I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment…oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

Sorry I’ve been bogarting the feature column lately but I have a lot to say amidst our nation’s impending demise. First off, what the chart below shows is the ideological drift within the House of Reprehensibles.

It shows a relatively flat line regarding liberal ideology since 1879 (that’s not a typo, 1879). Since 1981, however, the GOP has plotted a course directly to a land where you never have to grow up. It’s called Never Ever Right…

I don’t agree with fairies, I don’t, I don’t!

That chart, courtesy of voteviewblog, is astounding. This is precisely why I have been calling this trend the story within the story of our time. Of course the GOP has a similar chart to disprove my claims, but I can’t read crayon. Republicans believe that in recent years liberals have gone completely Oprah the Rain-View. This chart, and just about every political blog I have ever posted, suggests otherwise. Umm, you’re first hint was when I started that sentence with ‘republicans believe’. Works every time. 

My main thesis remains:

We don’t have a spending problem, an immigration problem, a nuclear proliferation problem, a climate change problem, we have a republican problem. I make this over-the-top statement only because through the GOP’s mile-thick ideological filter (MTIF) none of these other issues are solvable, or even debatable.  Climate change? Not happening. Immigration? Let’s build a giant wall. Government? Shut it all down, etc. It would be comical if it weren’t true. The punch line of all of this, if there is one, is that Muslim’s will likely never implement Sharia Law in the U.S., but, on their current trajectory, the GOP eventually just might.

Here’s the Washington Post’s take away:

“Republicans in Congress continued to grow more ideological over the first eight months of 2013 while Democrats’ partisanship remained relatively steady. That’s in keeping with a long-term polarization trend in the House that began in the early 1980s. Since that time, both parties have grown increasingly more polarized in their votes, but Republicans’ polarization numbers have moved up further — and faster — than Democrats.”

—Chris Cillizza

It’s not just the move to the right that’s so troubling, it’s the move to the wrong. Some evil geniuses may be behind this trend, but their foot soldiers make pro-football players on crack seem stable. And who exactly is guiding a huge swath of our society toward disaster? Who benefits from a global economic collapse? Or have the monkeys taken over the zoo? Are they beyond anyone’s control now? You get the sense those in charge of nearly half our country’s political views are sitting around somewhere going…

Liberal version:

Let’s try this shit.

Are you nuts, man?!

Think of the loot we stand to rake in! Besides, what hasn’t worked?

Good point, dude. You rock!

GOP/evil genius version:

This is totally implementable.

With all due respect (adjusts glasses), it’s outrageous hyperbole.

We own AM radio, Fox News, and Drudge. Think about every other news cycle we’ve run, EVER. If nothing else think of our stock options.

You are diabolical beyond your assets, sir.

Never forget that, Smithers.

And certainly some of the increase in the liberal ideology is a reaction to this nonsense, count me for one. Has there been any measurable advantage to the recent extremism of the GOP? I can’t think of anything. Meanwhile, here is the damage report:

1. The GOP’s aversion to all green energies and an undying devotion to coal, nuclear and oil

…you know, the people who subsidize their political views.

2. Less unions.

Thanks.

3. Right to Work States.

This is a great incentive for a business to move into your state…er, until all fifty states are Right to Work. Didn’t think that far ahead, did ya?

4. The Patriot Act (2001).

This legislation is a directly linked to every real Obama scandal as well as the gross expansion of executive power from which we may never recover, aka the stuff Bush did that you want to impeach Obama for.

5. The invasion and occupation of the wrong country (2003).

Did I mention Iraq is descending into a civil war now and are an obstacle to cutting a deal with Syria? Strong work.

6. The global economic collapse (2008).

Thanks W.

7. The decrease in the U.S.’s credit rating (Aug 2011).

Thanks Tea Party! I say this only because those who downgraded us said why they did. Imagine that.

8. Stopping the Fed from reducing the amount of U.S. bonds they purchase each month (Aug 2013).

Again, this time the Fed cited, “government dysfunction.” Without the GOP the spigot would be slowed.

9. The government shutdown and subsequent economic collapse (Oct. 2013).

Fallout pending.

These actually happened or are happening. They’re in the history books. Hasn’t fiscal conservatism cost us enough? Oh, and here’s a similar list of atrocities on the Left:

1. Chicago sucks

…and Obama’s from Chicago.

2. Kenya sucks

…and Obama’s from Kenya.

3. Benghazi

Four Americans Still Dead in Libya (FASLD^*)

*Sorry, republicans haven’t mastered acronyms yet.

Over the last twenty years the only time someone in my family—or anyone I know for that matter—actually lost money, or rights, or jobs, or freedoms was due to a republican decision, law, or stunt so WTFU (wake the F-up!).  On the other hand, Kenya does suck. That’s the last time I shop at that mall.

Oh wait, never mind, I did receive a 250 dollar check from Bush once…you know, during his let’s-lower-taxes-during-two-unnecessary-land-wars-maneuver (LLTDTULWM). I would like to send that money back to him with a limerick or two. There once was a douche from West Crawford? Do you have any idea how much that pittance cost us in the long term? Of course you don’t, you’re republicans.

In the grand scheme of things, we know very little about our complex world, our economy, our climate, or any of the other mind numbing issues facing our country. But usually there’s one thing we have figured out; there’s one course of action that history strongly suggests we avoid, so invariably that’s what the GOP advocates.

In my recent Syria feature I said I don’t know what’s going to come from talks with Iran or Syria, but I know what doesn’t work, namely, a land war in a nearby unrelated country, aka the Republican Model.

So, again, I would like to take the time to thank them. If I’m not sure which policy is clearly wrong, they have been like a bright star in the night sky. While perusing the net and pondering this or that, I will often look up at said star and then turn that F-ing ship around.

Foxeteers seem the least capable of comprehending any given problem, yet they remain the most certain of the solution. They all parrot the same ridiculous premise as transmitted though their echo chamber of the absurd and, voila, a government shutdown. The Onion nailed it this week:

Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5%.

That captures the essence of this entire healthcare debate. Obamacare is an unknown. The results of a republican caused government shutdown is known. It could be catastrophic. Obamacare might be bureaucratic. Oh the horror! Let’s destroy the world instead, quickly! Republicans will always choose the greater of two evils. Hey, let’s project all of our imaginary fears onto this healthcare expansion that we don’t quite understand. Or, my spoof here.

Dear Mr. Obama,

No negotiating with Teabaggerists!  If this country ends, let it go down as a democracy.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. That’s not anthrax on the letter, sir, I baked you a sugar cake. Don’t tell Michelle.

Delusional folks need to be treated as such, with anti-psychotic medications. Perhaps we can start by adding Risperdal to the square states’ water systems. Kidding! Fixed delusions can’t be treated with medications, let’s just build that wall.

“That one in the spotlight, he don’t look right to me! Get him up against the Wall.”

—Pink Floyd

Would a global collapse be worth it if it permanently takes down the batshit base of Republican Party? No, and reforming these dolts seems impossible. These people aren’t going anywhere.  It’s too late. This country is F-d. No matter what havoc the GOP causes, it’s not like they’re ever going to understand the consequences of their actions.

“Sure we didn’t follow the laws of the land, but why didn’t Obama listen?”

—John Q. Republican

Take, for instance, when republicans recently gutted our food stamp program. Many of the impoverished will simply increase their drug sales, or theft, or find some other illegal activity to stay afloat. They don’t just starve and die quietly, aka the republican model. This is the same thing. What would republican reform look like? More Ted Cruz’s. More Michele Bachmann’s? These folks completely broke from reality a long time ago and they’re not coming back. If you haven’t escaped yet, I’m afraid you will remain in this propaganda-created-bubble-of-non-reality for the rest of your political lives. Hundreds of millions of republicans are not going just wake up tomorrow and say:

“Wow, blocking Obamacare blew up our economy again. Holy shit! Was that really worth it? I don’t really even understand Obamacare. Let’s just take a deep breath and think about what we did.”

—said no republican ever

Our only hope is to keep pounding them on every issue, every dumb policy, every delusional congressman’s rant. Sadly, I don’t have much hope at this point. We need to teach these stories in our classrooms so that the next generation needn’t step into this land called Never Ever Right.

“Every time you say you don’t believe in Obamacare, a fairy dies.”

—Peter Progressive

And he was just trying to get his HIV medication, jerks!

Just remember where you heard all this shit first…yeah, a spoof news site.  If that isn’t an indication of how screwed we are, I don’t know what is. Just before I sent this editorward, I came across this must read Mathew Yglesias Slate post. The article is on a famous Yale political scientist, who predicts:

“The current atmosphere of political crisis isn’t a passing fad and it isn’t going to get better. In fact, it’s very likely to get worse. Much worse. And lead to a complete breakdown of constitutional government and the democratic order.”

—Juan Linz

Yeah, this guy must read Zano. I didn’t go to Yale but I’m so close to my GED I can smell it. Sometimes I feel like Woody Harrelson in that camper in that poncho in that movie…you know, when he accurately predicted the events of 2012—except this is 2013 and the super volcano is really a bunch of brain dead republicans who are all ready to blow up the world simply because they no longer understand it.

Let me get this straight. If a president is elected twice on a premise, let’s say to insure more Americans, and his or her party holds the senate and the White House—oh, and the Supreme Court gives its blessings—the minority can still defund and block said legislation because they feel strongly about it? Okay…wait, what?!

I feel strongly that Republican brains should be studied in laboratories to see what the hell went wrong, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Besides, just finding enough samples alone could take years (Abby Normal joke omitted by the Mel Brooks Foundation).

During the Bush epoch I never said, “Well, I know I’m not technically elected but damnit I’m going filibuster.” Mr. Mick goes to Washington? You can’t just make shit up. Oh wait, that’s all these people do. Never mind.  

Conventional wisdom suggests we will avoid a shut down next week—that the republicans are bluffing. I don’t share that sentiment. Yes, some republicans have distanced themselves from Cruz and the Tea Partiers, but, as we have already seen, waiting until the last minute can wreak its own havoc on our system.  I think far right extremists will continue to deal blow after blow to our stock market and to our credit rating, all in name of fiscal conservatism. I am not convinced we will skate unscathed through every tea bag we face. If we don’t get our asses handed to us next week, debt ceiling day (DCD) looks even worse. This is a gauntlet of completely unnecessary crises, similar to the last Daily Discord barcrawl. Okay, our excuse for last weekend’s antics involves Irish car bombs; what’s the republican’s excuse?

Then, when our economic world falls apart, they will attempt to shift the blame back to Obama, all for the purpose of allowing me to recycle this old joke:

Wow, thanks! I had nothing today.

Then we can discuss how Obama ruined everything on a nice soup line somewhere. Remember when I said the Tea Party would have grave consequences for our recovery and our collective future? Shit is looming—in the form of a Cruz missile aimed at our assets. I will never understand how these people think. In 2009 I was stunned to see a group form who actually thought: “You know, as far as stupidity goes, I don’t think Bush went far enough.” If that was their take away message, can’t we take them away? I know a good inpatient program.

The Tea Party is the only major faction whose majority supports a government shutdown. If this occurs it could deal a serious blow to these fanatics, but at what cost? Some on the right are actually trying to argue that it’s now up to Obama to avoid a government shutdown. WHAT?! No it isn’t. Pinning a government shutdown on Obama is kind of like blaming the tree that “jumped out” in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car. I’m sorry, I in no way wanted to imply that The GOP is more stable than Miss Lohan.

Obama is not going to give up his legacy achievement when the GOP doesn’t have the votes.  Oh, I can see a conservative president falling for that one:

“Yeah, the Dems don’t have enough votes, but we’re going to raise taxes on the rich anyway because they’re acting out, really bad. I’m scared. I’m going to pee myself, right here in the Rose Garden.”

—President John Q. Republican

The consensus on the left is that Boehner will not ride his party’s sick ideology over the cliff. I don’t know. I fear the psych patients are already running the ward. You see, you need sixty votes in the Senate to defund Obamacare, also known as:

Dear Republicans,

You need sixty votes in the Senate to defund Obamacare. Try starting this quest by finding a republican who can count that high.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. When you find one then I will explain step 2.

So we either:

Insure more people via a healthcare alternative originally conceived by republicans as a cost containment system.

Or:

We have a global economic collapse…on principle!

Yes, as we have learned from the Bush years…um…er…republicans haven’t learned anything from the Bush years. They don’t like to just screw up the U.S. economy; they like to trigger collapses of the global variety. Think big, vote republican. They’re such an industrious bunch. Remember when I asked the GOP way back when, “So what do you do for your next trick?” Well, I think we have an answer.

If we do shutdown, which I think is more likely than conventional wisdom suggests, then Obama will be forced to pull some executive stunt to keep things going that will piss everyone off further.  Maybe not next week, but in near the future I think the damage the Tea Party brand will inflict is likely to be significant, if not catastrophic. When you misinform a group this badly, this completely, these are the results, aka thanx Fox News! I didn’t need any money for my retirement anyway.

Republicans: we don’t just cause the economic downturns, we sabotage any chance at a viable recovery.

These guys are great multi-shafters. I thought we would be okay as long as the republicans never reassumed command but, if they’re impervious to even the basic rules of our system, all bets are off. I don’t want to be right again. If I am, we’re screwed. The GOP truly believe that if they derail all things Obama somehow they will return to power; that they will be greeted as liberal liberators. But what will they inherit?

Good luck with that. Now back to my plan to deport Republicans. I don’t think we can even talk about a coordinated deportation effort until we first build giant walls around predominately republican districts…  Zanomandering? No?

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

So you’re not sure what happened in Syria? Just apply my handy dandy opposite-of-what-the-GOP-thinks formula and voila! Obama’s intervention was amazing! See how easy that was?

Republicans: Our Resident Authorities on All Things Complicated

Just for a moment, can’t republicans stop being partisan hacks and say, “Wow! Nice! Not sure why that worked but, groovy baby!” At the onset of this Syrian decision the Foxeteers were predicting World War III and the outcome is likely to be: we will share the cost of destroying Assad’s chemical weapons. Here’s what I posted shortly before the deal was struck:

“Obama tends to waffle and waiver and then does something for about nine dollars that gets all of our goals met without breaking an F-ing fingernail, so by all means waffle away, sir.”

—Mick Zano

Here’s what Obama said a couple of days later:

“Had we rolled out something that was very smooth and disciplined and linear, they would have graded it well, even if it was a disastrous policy. We know that, because that’s exactly how they graded the Iraq war.”

– Barack Obama

If only Bush had had the wherewithal to pull off Iraq in a similarly befuddled manner:

1. 4,000 Americans would still be alive.
2. Upwards of a million Iraqis would still be alive.
3. The U.S. would still have something called credibility [kred-uh-bil-i-tee].
4. Iraq would not be descending into civil war a decade after the famous “Surge”.
5. We would have likely avoided a global recession that nearly ended the financial world as we know it.

But lest we forget four dead in Libya. No zeros after that…it’s just a four…er, and it occurred in Libya. This is apparently still news to some people. Oh, but Iraq didn’t have WMDs like Syria, so I guess. Wait? What?

Summary Alert:

You’re criticism of Obama during his Syrian intervention is, wait…what the F is wrong with you people?

If we hadn’t learned what not to do during the Bush years the right’s belief system would not be so offensive to me, but WTF?!  WMD WTF? This goes far beyond a coordinated defunding of education. Jesus. Well, never mind, Jesus wanted Obama to nuke Syria. That guy is such a neocon (weapons of Messiah destruction?). I think I already used my Sarin on the Mount joke. Damn it! How about blessed are the mustard gas? No? I’ll work on that one.

“It’s been awesome to watch today as all the jerking knees quieted a little and all the instant judgments of the past month ceded to a deeper acknowledgment of what had actually been substantively achieved: something that, if it pans out, might be truly called a breakthrough – not just in terms of Syria, but also in terms of a better international system, and in terms of Iran.”

—Andrew “knee jerking” Sullivan

Also known as:

“Here’s to you, Mick Zano, for consistently showing a keen political insight and for your endless stream of Affleck/Batman jokes.”

—Said no one ever

Yeah, it’s a thankless blog. Meanwhile, Sullivan was shitting a brick. I have always been impressed with Obama’s ability to navigate these foreign minefields. Republicans, on the other hand, tend to just kick every rock…with their dicks (Cheney joke omitted by editor). Thankfully our president can reassess, change in the moment and weigh options in real time…w/ Bill Maher.

Both the lead up to Syria and Iraq exemplify the very reason I won’t support a republican in the White House for the foreseeable future. Their coverage leading up to Iraq was unbelievable, yet somehow their coverage of Syria was worse. See my dismantling of Hannity here. Could you imagine if the GOP was in charge? I can… it’s why I blog.

Republicans think Syria was handled worse than Iraq and they think Benghazi was a bigger intelligence failure than the real 9/11. Republicans make that guy in my town—the one who talks to lamp posts—seem well grounded.

Summary Alert:

The estimated end cost of the Afghanistan War: 3.5 trillion dollars

The estimated cost of the Iraq War: 2.5 trillion dollars

Knocking off al-Qaida’s leadership, virus bombing Iran’s nuclear facilities, and winning Libya and Syria for about the price of Obama’s combined vacations?

Priceless

Or, as Andrew Sullivan recently put it:

“Meep Meep Mother Fuckers”

I don’t know how the Syria or the Iran thing is going to go down, but amen we have someone with a brain pursuing all the alternatives. I have a feeling we’re going to be okay. You know the difference between the GOP and Wile E. Coyote? Wile E. knows when he missed the bird, but I will continue to enjoy watching our Commander-in-Meep as he collectively flips you one. In the context of what he came into and what he has managed to accomplish despite this endless sea of patriotic anarchists remains nothing short of remarkable.

*War estimates based on the high end of Harvard University’s Kennedy School recent study.