Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi

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Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Here’s what an extensive New York Times investigation turned up on the embassy attack at Benghazi:

“No evidence that Al Qaeda or other international terrorist groups had any role in the assault. The attack was led, instead, by fighters who had benefited directly from NATO’s extensive air power and logistics support during the uprising against Colonel Qaddafi. And contrary to claims by some members of Congress, it was fueled in large part by anger at an American-made video denigrating Islam.”

—David Kirkpatrick

Yep, back to day one…but hasn’t it been a fun imaginary ride? Half the gasoline for this “scandal” involves republicans believing the attack had nothing to do with that anti-Muslim YouTube video that sparked a rash of attacks all across the Muslim world on that same day. Yeah, I can’t make this up. If they can’t connect those dots—A YEAR AND A HALF LATER—we’re going to need bigger dots.

Summary Alert:

“The Middle East is complicated and republicans simply aren’t.”

—Mick Zano

Over at Fox News, as this NYT story broke, they all lost what little was left of their collective minds. Here’s the Fox headlines that day:

Truth Infuriates Batshit Base!

Is the Truth About Benghazi Misleading?

I still like my take the week this shit happened:

“This ‘scandal’ is about how we referred to the attackers after the fact and why. Hey, let’s call them Smurf Tacklers. Our embassy was once again assailed by those fucking, towel-headed Smurf Tacklers. Is that going to bring back the dead? Was it ‘extremists’ or ‘terrorists?’ Whaa? I would hate to be killed by terrorists, but extremists will be extremists…forgive and forget, right?”

—Mick Zano

This is why Hillary said, “It doesn’t matter.” She wasn’t talking about four American deaths, she was talking about the right’s incessant and quite mindless stream of irrelevant questions.

Dear GOP,

There has been only one valid point regarding the Benghazi incident. The place was under secured.

That’s it.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Oh, and sorry you couldn’t pursue that very real shortcoming because you’re the jokers who decided not to fund the thing.

And, even though it’s utterly meaningless whether they were al-Qaeda or al-Qaeda-like or al-Qaeda bold, you still got it wrong! They weren’t al-Qaeda! I still think they were Smurf Tacklers. Yes, a year and a half later and my important theory, involving radicalized Smurfs, has as much validity as all 178 of your related headlines.

“It’s important to understand exactly what Kirkpatrick is saying: not just that Al Qaeda had essentially nothing to do with the attack in Benghazi, but that our preoccupation with al-Qaeda actively crippled our understanding of what was happening in Libya.”

—Kevin Drum

So idiocy on the right made finding the truth even harder. Again, please extrapolate that to any other given topic. Meanwhile, The GOP is salivating that Christie is tied with Hillary in the polls. This is a snapshot in time. The lowest point in recent Dem history matched up against someone the GOP will never have the wisdom to nominate. Good luck with that. Someone who disagrees with me on this point recently said, “You’d be surprised what happens when people want to win an election.”

Umm, sorry, I’m almost never surprised. Have you read my posts? Republicans, who invariably never agree with me, must therefore almost always be surprised. Christie won’t be the nominee. Sorry, the inmates are running the asylum. Sorry known of you are even capable of identifying this fact. Hey, but don’t fret Foxeteers, Nurse Ratched’s coming around with the Jello again.

So yet another scandal dies. Kidding! Fox News will never let the truth interfere with a good bullshit narrative.

Political Summary Alert:

Granted we’re a short attention span society, but the list of GOP atrocities over the last twenty years is too long and the list of Obama atrocities pretty much starts and ends with the Affordable Care Act. So when it’s working a year from now, sorry, you’ll be back to zero. Don’t worry, you have never actually been much higher than that. Maybe you should all flock to Colorado…er, to get a little higher than that.
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Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster

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Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

“I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well.”

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

“No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it.” The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, “You don’t want to know.”
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Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested for Crimes Against Secularism

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Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested For Crimes Against Secularism

San Francisco, CA—Chaos erupted Christmas Day amidst a live nativity scene as a number of people and animals alike were arrested by liberal activists. All of the participants in the reenactment of Jesus’s birth in Golden Gate Park were charged and detained for crimes against secularism. One wise man received a black eye during his arrest and a camel later asked The Discord, “Can you post this on Wednesday? I’ll explain later.”

“This isn’t the stone age,” said one eye witness. “The messiah needs to be born in a proper hospital with the mother under general anesthesia. Besides, the whole thing was set up less than a block from a government building, which clearly blurs the line of church state.”

Republican types believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas. Senator Nancy Pelosi (D) was quick to counter. “Due to sequester cuts the nativity scene was grossly under secured, so don’t go there.”

Barack Obama is denying allegations that the nativity participants were water boarded at Guantanamo Bay. “Nonsense,” said Obama. “We did the deed over at the nearby naval base in Alameda. It is hoped our actions will allow countless atheists to sleep-in this Sunday, and we also knocked some frankincense into that one fella’. Wise man? More like wise ass.”
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Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time

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Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

Such remarks usually ignite a national debate, though this one was more of a political food fight. First of all, why does this surprise anyone? Look at who you’re dealing with: lily white boys from the deep-south swamps of Louisiana, aka the poster-children for intolerance and bigotry. You know, real Americans, good Christian bible-beaters all. I’d be shocked and alarmed if they didn’t feel that way. This is like being surprised when W invades the wrong country or Bloomberg knocks a Big Gulp out of someone’s hand. It’s to be expected.

Why does anyone care what this guy says anyway? We shouldn’t give Phil Robertson any more credence than we give Pat Robertson. And at least Pat doesn’t look like ZZ Top gone Sasquatch. Just because they make a Chia Pet in someone’s likeness doesn’t mean we should take them seriously. Doing so just makes them feel important.

Lest we forget their rural and geographic handicap. Until this TV thing came along Jed and the rest of the Clampetts made their fortune making little devices to lure innocent ducks to their demise. And in order to pull off this major feat, they have high-tech camouflage and weaponry to blast these creatures out of the sky. Wow, blasting Donald and Daffy to oblivion; I’m impressed. How about you go toe-to-toe with an Orangutan, hand-to-hand? Granted you have the height and weight advantage but that’s set off by the Orangutan’s higher intelligence. I’d pay money to see that ape rip your arm out of its socket and beat you over the head with it.

And that leads me into the next question: how do the antics of these morons warrant a TV show? A&E no less. Really? This drivel constitutes Arts & Entertainment? Wouldn’t this be more appropriate for Animal Planet, the Military Channel, or maybe Country Music Television? Or how about Fox News? There’s a channel already filled with shit you can’t believe. What’s worse is this circus is one of the highest rated TV shows on the planet…Animal Planet. And people say our society isn’t falling apart. Oh, wait, they do say that. But if society is falling apart, these prejudiced moralists aren’t helping.

So, for Robertson’s efforts, the so called patriarch of this brood has been suspended from their show. On that note I have to say that I fully support his right to say his piece. That’s the very cornerstone of American democracy. As such, I am also allowed to say:

“F-off, you donkey raping shit eater,” or “blow me you testicle-shitting rectal wart”.

In fact, I can use any other South Park quote I see fit to plagiarize. This should not be an issue, just as with the 100 times it has happened in the last couple of years. As everyone is so adamant about pointing out, we do have the right to say what we want, except for the profanity and the decency censorship on broadcast television…

SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happily, this is the internet.

I can do what I waunt, biotch.

The real backlash came when A&E suspended Robertson from the show. Everyone is in an uproar. The right crying “fowl”…sorry…for suspending him; the left crying “foul” because they didn’t cancel the show outright. Look, A&E is funding his show. The reason he was in that interview in the first place was because of that program. A&E has the right to do whatever they want with their show. Robertson may have the right to say whatever he wants, but he also has to be prepared to accept the consequences of doing so.

Will it be a full Paula Deen, or a mere Alec Baldwin? In the end, the final outcome will not be driven by political correctness, or free speech, or a moral basis of any kind. What it all comes down to is money. Which demographic does Arts & Entertainment value most, the mass of yokels that watch that one show, or the entire LGBTQ community who happen to watch the rest of their schedule?

Addendum: Just this morning A&E announced that the homophobe was reinstated and that the shooting (pun intended) will resume in the spring. Chalk one up for the real Americans, and one down for the betterment of society.
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Eternal Damnation, Probably

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Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, “No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave.” This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

Act 1:  Alter Falter (which is also Charley Manson’s Next Album)

Place:  My friend Steve’s wedding, Hackensack, NJ

Year:  1994

Circumstance:  They had alter girls at the wedding and after settling in at the table to enjoy the reception festivities, we began discussing this fact.  I soon offered my opinion, “The Church probably felt more comfortable with the little girls around the priests than the little boys.”  I knew I had a problem as I watched Mick Zano’s cringing facial expression.  He motioned over my shoulder and, when I turned around, the priest who presided over the wedding ceremony was in the chair directly behind me.

This conversation then commenced:

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  probably.

Act II:  And The Lord Said Let There Be…Crap

Place:  The Genetti Hotel, Williamsport, Pa.

Year:  1998.

Circumstance:  The maintenance department was checking the fuses because they where not labeled.  They were shutting off all the power in the hotel and then turning the fuses back on, one by one, so they could label the newly installed panel box.  I was working at the time and figured this would be a great time to hit the can.  While using the urinal, in the dark, a man walked in next to me and shined a light on his crotch. Figuring it was the other maintenance man, I said, “Hugh, I didn’t need a light to find mine in the dark.”

Just as I said this the lights came on. Not only could I see the man next to me using the urinal, I could see his white collar of priesthood. 

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Act III:  Use Jugs Not Drugs

Place:  The First Church of Christ

Year:  2000

Circumstance:  I was a bartender at the time period and got to bartend at the big Mardi Gras Celebration.  The Mardi Gras Celebration in Williamsport is known for topless women who often love to pose with their bartenders.  I got to be in several of these, my favorite of which was with a woman aptly named Jugs.  She posed by laying one of each of her…um, you know, on each of my shoulders.  I was in heaven at the time.  So there go 15 of the disposable camera’s 24 pictures. The last nine of which I took at my son’s first Holy Communion.

I guess you can see where this is going… 

My wife developed the pictures not knowing that I did not take them all at church.  She even shared them unknowingly with Father Pete.  As I saw her doing this I made a mad dash towards them just in time to hear the priest say, “Look at those…um, you know.”

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Father Pete:  Probably.

Act IV:  Blessed Are The Steelers

[Winslow: IIII is not a Roman numeral, Dave]

Place:  Annunciation Church

Year:  not sure.

Circumstance:  At his first holy confessional my son told the priest he had sinned because, “My father told me I did.”  He explained that when he had recently tried to watch cartoons on Thanksgiving I had told him it was in the Bible that you had to watch football on Thanksgiving. His grandfather later confirmed this important nugget of wisdom and even claimed it was from the book of Genesis.  While being stopped by the priest on the way out and lectured about this misguided information the conversation went like this:

Dave:  Am going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Well, there you have it folks, four strike…four strikes and you’re bound for hell. Well, probably.
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Liminal Post Only Meant As Quantum Space Saver Thingie

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Here’s an imaginary post link, space-saver kind of thing I created to link back to when I haven’t gotten around to actually writing something yet. This link gives the illusion there’s a link. It’s sort of like a virtual mirage. For those who have arrived here now it’s actually 2019 and Donald Trump is president, so Boo! The need for this quasi-link first occurred during my article, Physicist: Trump Currently Exists In A Quasi State Of Impeachment And Non-Impeachment Duality. I can’t actually add that link just yet because I haven’t finished it, and may or may not. This is exactly what Schrodinger was on about! His name also exists in a quasi-non-umlaut state until I do or do not bother to add an umlaut above the ‘o’ in his name, or maybe just one dot, preferably an entangled one. This is ironic, don’t you think? You could also try that link back to that partial article, because there’s two links that I cannot create right now, because I have not as yet posted the original article, or this bit, so clicking that link could create something totally and/or partially quantum, so you probably shouldn’t do that.

If you see the link in this post than it exists, so it be safe to—AHHHrrrrrrrhgg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I wouldn’t hit this button either.

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NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion Since Newtown

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NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion since Newtown

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding “significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments.” While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, “No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well.”

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase “regrettable but acceptable.”

“We want firearms to simply be a deterrent,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages.”
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