Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico

by Alex Bone • January 26, 2014

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, “All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States.”

When others questioned the move, the president replied, “The only good part of Arizona was Sedona, which ended up completely overrun by New Age extremists. And the rest of the place is just dust and cactus plants. Let those gun totting, ATV driving, crawdad loving red necks be someone else’s problem. One less red state isn’t going to hurt anybody.”

Vice President Joe Biden added, “Arizona has always been more trouble than its worth and it’s so damn hot. You can fry an egg on your forehead and that’s more dangerous than texting while driving. Let those retirees soak up someone else’s dime.

The White House in not talking about how much they sold the state for. But after I cornered an Obama intern, bought her a dozen drinks, and cleaned her apartment, she said the entire state went for three dozen beef and green chili tamales.

College students in the surrounding states are also excited about this change. One young man said “Woo, yeah yeah woo. Drinking age is now only eighteen and I’m still only a few hours from a Rocky Mountain high.”

Proponents of this idea include AZ resident and Tea Bagger, Max Blohotaire, “I admit it won’t change my neighborhood much, but what about my guns? And I sure as hell hope those Mexicans won’t be expecting me to pay any taxes to help with their education. Hating kids is one of the reasons I moved to Arizona in the first place.”

The southwestern branch of The Daily Discord might also be in jeopardy. “When Winslow needed to save money for his second jet, he forced us to move out here,” explained head writer, Mick Zano. “He also didn’t want us attending the staff Christmas party anymore, after ‘the incident’. He also wanted to keep Alex Bone from always breaking into his house, stealing all his food, and passing out in his bathtub wearing his wife’s clothing.”

“I believe Winslow moved us out here for the cheap rent. He got a sweet deal on a one room shack without air conditioning that overlooks a mining till. Oh, and he also wanted to keep Tony Ballz from chasing after his daughters.”

When I asked my colleague, Mick, how this Mexico thing might impact the Discord, he replied, “Well, we’ll probably have more stories about beans, I suppose.”

Some of the major cities in Arizona are already receiving more Mexican sounding names. Tombstone will now be called “Place where gun happy gringos shoot each other,” and Yuma is now, “It’s way too hot to live in this shithole.” Phoenix is “El Loco Diablo” and Flagstaff will be hence forth known as “What’s this white stuff? I thought Arizona was a desert?” Granted, Flagstaff has a long name but we’ll keep working on a shorter designation.

President Obama added, “This is a pilot project. We hope to sell the rest of the southwest to Mexico, shortly. There’s no more water there anymore anyway. Due to global warming the area can no longer sustain life, so I want to make these sales before these states completely depreciate.”

by Mick Zano • January 26, 2014

ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments

Washington, DC—With Obamacare out of extensions, yet far below enrollment goals, the President announced his strategy to close the gap. Eligibility for full enrollments for the Affordable Care Act ends on March 31^st, but until then all those seeking insurance can also sign up for Obama’s new “fun size” coverage.

Those who sign up in January, will receive an autographed Obama picture and 10% off the penalties associated with the individual mandate. “And if you act now,” said Obama, “The NSA will stop listening in on your conversations for the rest of 2014!”

When cornered, Obama admitted the enrollment is symbolical and is not truly redeemable for any medical or behavioral health coverage, per se, but he urged Americans to have a heart, because the program offers some good piece of mind. “But, remember, the heart and mind aren’t really covered,” said Obama.

by Mick Zano • January 24, 2014

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to “do it her (mother blanking) self.” After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, “The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time.”

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. “As for neglect and abuse,” said Brewer, “tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!“

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.

by Mick Zano • January 24, 2014

Discord scraps “Hey Joe Biden” image

by Mr. Sherman • January 22, 2014

by Mick Zano • January 20, 2014

by Mick Zano • January 20, 2014

Rio de Janeiro, BZ—As Thor raised his giant war hammer, Zeus said, “Hold on, my Norse brother, I have a better idea.” A few seconds later the air over Rio de Janeiro was ionized with dancing streams of electricity. The discharge blew Christ’s fingertips off and reduced them to a spray of soapstone shards that rained down onto the city below like brimstone.

Jesus minced no parables, “I’m shocked. For the first time ever I used my own name in vain. I had lighting rods installed to prevent this sort of thing. And, let me tell you, that procedure made me long for a good crucifixion.”

When asked if Jesus holds any grudges, Jesus said, “Christ the Redeemer or not, Mount Olympus is going down. My father usually works with volcanos or floods, which won’t work on a sky city, but…hey…you know what would be great? I’m just thinking out loud here, have Olympus fall right onto Putin’s Olympics. Kill em’ all and let dad sort em’ out. Let the games begin!”

by Mick Zano • January 18, 2014

Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet

Wichita, KS—Koch Industries is downplaying the hostile takeovers of two major organizations. The deal to purchase Skynet, known for its ill-fated Terminator program, became a reality last week and the merger with Umbrella Corporation, known for the deadly t-Virus outbreak of 1998 and 2002, was only finalized yesterday.

Spokesperson, Cly “Mitt” Friendly, said, “Koch Industries is eager to take genetic engineering, cyborg technologies, and biological weapons to a whole new level. What could possibly go wrong?” Mr. Friendly told reporters that one of the Koch’s top priorities is to keep Skynet safe from “that meddling Connor family!”

“We plan to resume many of the important projects abandoned by the Umbrella Corporation,” said Mr. Friendly, “…er, after we mop up all the unpleasantness from Resident Evil: Retribution (2012).”

CEO of Koch Industries, Charles Koch, added, “A wise fictional man from those Robocop movies once said, ‘Good business is where you find it.’ And sometime we find business in clandestine laboratories under paramilitary-style security many levels below the Earth. Besides, we already have Fox News explaining how we contained the infection.”

by Mick Zano • January 17, 2014

Today’s GOP is only accepting applications from this man.

by Mick Zano • January 15, 2014

Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

“This is win win,” said Obama. “Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st.”

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. “Iran is not America,” said Ted Cruz (R-TX). “I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, “There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three….”

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

by Mick Zano • January 14, 2014

Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials

by Mick Zano • January 13, 2014

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter…as “fairy” dust is generally frowned upon.

The right is going nuts that the real media is covering this very real Christie scandal. Brent Bozell is raging, “The liberal media has already spent 17 times as much time on Christie’s problem as Obama’s scandals!”

Dear GOP,

Christie’s problem rates a 6 out of 10. If it’s linked to him directly it’s a game ending 10.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. All of Obama’s scandals combined don’t quite reach a 6, but thank you for playing.

It’s not that the real media is protecting Obama, they just don’t understand your scandals. Hint: your chief ingredient is always bullshit.

As for the IRS, let’s play the devil’s auditor for a moment. If you run the IRS and you have a series of tools—annoying, yet legal tools—designed to find out whether or not a group is deserving of some tax free status and, said group is bent on ending your agency’s very existence, wouldn’t you bring all of these tools to bear?

Dear GOP,

Yes…yes you would.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. In fact, you would employ obstructionist and often counterproductive measures beyond your legal tools. You know, the kind that actually F-shit up more (See: Congress).

As for my review of the existing facts, I don’t think the audit filters the IRS used to check the tax exempt status for those Tea Party groups is surprising or illegal. Of course, any intentional delays to offering this tax exempt status to certain groups is harder to defend.

Here’s a wonderful Fox News article: Five Reasons the IRS Scandal Won’t Go Away. I would love to read that…and, by love, I mean forced to watch all The Twilight movies for eternity. What I did glean from The Google was this: the main problem regarding political non-profits is that the law itself is not clearly defined. So the latest 501 (C) (that passed last week) makes changes designed to tighten this law to prevent such targeting:

“In an aggressive move designed to crack down on free-spending outside political groups, the Obama administration is proposing strict new rules curtailing nonprofits like Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS and the pro-Obama Priorities USA.”

—Byron Tau, Politico

So there’s a cracking down on all non-profits linked to political candidate related activity. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. Oh wait, here’s my post a few weeks after this “scandal” broke.

“Here’s my prediction for how the IRS will ‘fix’ their problem. They will increase scrutiny on progressive groups seeking tax exempt status as well. That’s it. Wow. Thanks!”

—Mick Zano

I predicted some increased, and quite legal, scrutiny for all. Deep stuff. …uh…Impeach!

Here’s a good anti-IRS rant on the matter from Executive Branch Review. They feel the IRS should just stay out of the political endorsement business entirely. I am not in disagreement. This is a cluster, yet a non-Obama-related-cluster (NORC).

Fun Fact: in Middle Earth hordes of NORCs often lay siege to castles.

So to summarize:

The current 501 (C) ruling = increased scrutiny for all politically affiliated non-profits.

The rational conservative position = no political groups get these tax exempt statuses, period.

Fine with me. Let’s have that debate. But, there’s always this third group and their third way approach to any given topic. As for the impeach Obama/scandal group, who cares what they think? They can never seem to actually grasp the nature of the problem, let alone offer any valid solutions.

So, basically, it was always legal and now with 501(C) it’s more clearly legal. If it wasn’t legal, explain to me why? Oh, you can’t. If it’s linked to Obama, explain how? Oh you can’t. Oh…you just want to keep this going anyway. Okay.

Here’s another Fox News gem:

Is the end near for the IRS?

Let me think, No.

Is the end near for the Republican Party?

Let me think, Yes.

Okay, okay, I’ll read that first Fox IRS article, again here.

[scene missing, Complete with fear, loathing, and micro brews]

Oh god, I can’t even make it through Mr. Seklow’s first line:

“Let’s be honest. It’s hard to concentrate on more than one scandal at a time.”

This should read: Let’s be honest, it’s hard to keep all of our bullshit talking points straight.

Lest we forget the rest of that first sentence:

“…and the ObamaCare meltdown could be the most consequential government policy failure in modern American history.”

[another scene missing as I threw up in my mouth a little bit]

So here is my summary of Sucklow’s five reasons we need to keep talking about this shit, or The World According to GOP:

1. It is ongoing!

Conservative groups are still not getting their tax exempt status! It’s still happening! The IRS still sucks and stuff! Meanwhile, this was apparently The IRS under Bush:

2. It goes right to the top!

We were told these actions were implemented by low level IRS employees, but it goes right to the top! Except Sekulow fails to mention any facts, details, sources, information, quotes, links…er, but it goes to the top! Yes, to the top of the talking point memo sent to all Fox News anchors and hosts. What republicans are trying desperately to do is build a bridge to the top of the IRS and then over to the White House. What they often end up with is a Senator Steven’s style bridge to nowhere.

“If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP.”

—Mick Zano, 5/20/13

3. Post investigations, the IRS has been shown to be corrupt, incompetent, and mean-spirited. This is news? …well, to people who have lived underground for the last several generations.

Hey, I want to invite the IRS to my cave party

4. This was not low level, it goes straight to the top!

Sadly, yes, it’s kind of just like number two (on so many levels). I guess his editor insisted on five fictional reasons and he only birthed four. This “point” led to a 2^ndSekulow article, Obama’s Fingerprints are All Over the IRS Scandal.

So I read that turd as well. Sekulow’s only source in this second article is himself! His whole argument stems from Obama saying, “The Tea Party is a threat to democracy,” which was apparently a wink to have the IRS “do the deed.”

Nudge, Nudge, Wink Wink

I agree with the President here. For some recent Tea Party atrocities see: the government shutdown, the sequester, America’s lowered bond status rating, or my favorite summary: The Tea Party is America’s Taliban.

Hint: this may come as a shock to Fox viewers, but telling the truth is not an impeachable offense.

5. The IRS targeting scandal is directly relevant to the mother of all policy disasters, ObamaCare.

This one sounds like it was faxed in from Glenn Beck’s headquarters after he snorted all the chalk in the room and sniffed all his Sharpies. Apparently government healthcare is related to taxing, which is related to the IRS, which is related to Beelzebub, which is related to sex with animals, which could lead to sweater vests.

Reality Check: ObamaCare is originally a republican cost containment approach designed to contain some cost. I know, scary stuff for the fiscally and factually impaired.

So, much like Benghazi, we have learned next to nothing since the day this shit broke. So here’s the real five reasons this scandal won’t go away:

1. Fox News

2. Fox News

3. Fox News

4. Bullshit

5. Matt Drudge

Rinse, blather, repeat.

Here’s a simple trick to deal with republican bullshit, just put some variation of: because it’s not illegal after every headline. Watch:

FBI has contacted few Tea Party groups eight months since IRS scandal broke

…because it’s not illegal

CNN All But Ignores IRS Scandal

…because it’s not illegal.

Is the IRS the Worst Scandal in U.S History?

No…because it’s not illegal.

See? And if that doesn’t work try No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Will the Tea Party IRS Scandal Get Obama Impeached?

No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Will the IRS scandal bring down Obama?

No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Wow, that was arduous, a traveling with Frodo to Mordor kind of arduous, although I do enjoy 2^nd breakfast as much as the next guy. So what have we learned? Nothing I didn’t already know about the IRS or the gullibility of your average Foxeteer. And, if Bush was the Decider, I’m the Prognosticator so let me offer one more prediction before I bail.

I sense this post is ending.

Nailed it again!

by Mick Zano • January 12, 2014

by Mick Zano • January 11, 2014

Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country…um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

For a real scandal See: Chris Christie. His scandal rates a 6 on the scandal scale of 1 to 10. To put that in perspective, all of Obama’s combined wouldn’t reach that high See: U.S. History. Obama’s biggest problem thus far, The Affordable Care Act, is a policy blunder not a scandal.

So to learn about real scandals, kids, read about republicans!

Meanwhile, Foxeteers are absolutely glib about the ACA debacle. I think in celebration they even closed their fake scandal factory in Honduras for the whole holiday week. I can’t believe they outsourced that shit. Story here. Never mind the fact The GOP is partly responsible for the ACA’s current woes, but let’s give them some credit. Let’s let them have their moment in the sun.

Oh…over 2-million have now signed up? Okay…enrollments are almost back on their original projected pace?…okay. Another 6 million covered under Medicaid expansion?

Moment over.

Did you enjoy it? That’s nice. Now, can you please go back to imploding as a political party? Thanks. Could you imagine if Bush’s largest problem was the horrendous rollout of his Medicare-D program?

Perspective…

What’s that?

Bush’s website took about as long to fix but I admit this is a MUCH bigger deal. Obama deserves scrutiny for his legacy achievement’s botched rollout and his related misstatements, but 90% of the rest of his criticism resides high on the soft steamy peaks of Stewart’s Bullshit Mountain.

As for reality, I’ve been covering our narley insurance deductibles and premiums as long as I’ve been blogging. Out of control Insurance rates pose one of the biggest business and middle class killing challenges. As I’ve mentioned before, my last two CEOs named rising employee insurance rates among their biggest financial concerns. The republican’s solution to this major problem remains quantum. Check out Chait’s post on The Heritage Uncertainty Principle. You can extrapolate this to nearly every other issue of our time. Under all the bloviating ignorance, reality slips away for The GOP like Christie’s presidential aspirations.

Now, for the first time in decades, insurance rates have at least slowed. Hopefully the ACA will keep the pressure on our more vulturistic insurance companies and truly hold them to a minimum standard. I love the way Fox covers every insurance that’s better than Obamacare. Policies above the minimum…er, imagine that. Of course, there’s no shortage of Fox News watching doctors (FNWDs) already complaining about Obamacare.

Dear doctors,

Your bosses, you know the people who actually run the hospitals, well, as it turns out, 9 out of 10 of them think the ACA will eventually reign in healthcare cost and will be ultimately good for the industry.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Full story here.

Oh and:

“Obamacare’s Medicaid Expansion is working in those states who wanted it to work.”

—Ezra Klein

Remember, you heard it here first. And the same will eventually be true for the medical component of this schitznik. So despite Obama’s lowest approval ratings, I still predict republicans are finished and our President, as well as ObamaCare for that matter, is simply not. But don’t fret Foxeteers, you won’t even be reading my post when I link back to this years from now, because you’ll be fixated on:

Is President Clinton Colluding with Our Alien Oppressors?

Will Senator Chelsea End the Last of Our Freedoms?

When Bill Smoked Pot was Hillary the Lone Inhaler?

Was Hillary Playing Golf with Obama during Benghazi?

Will We Keep Asking Questions Minus Any Facts?

Dear Fox News,

Question marks are not a replacement for facts.

Sincerely

Reality?

P.S. I know they’re all you’ve got, but please mix it up, maybe with some nice exclamation points.

Yeah, they’re a political parody. Here’s someone who shares my this too shall pass philosophy:

“Numerous moments have been declared to be disasters for Obama, going back to Jeremiah Wright. This hyperventilating approach always turns out to be wrong and overheated.”

—Michael Tomasky

Here are my two anecdotal examples. I have one very poor friend who may have to pay more under ObamaCare or face fines. He’s pissed. I have another friend thrilled he might be able to insure his family on an exchange and finally dive fully into his private business. Insurance has always stopped many people from doing what they want in life. If this ultimately works and we can all hit some exchange, compare rates, and then escape our boss’s thumb, aka THAT is freedom. Funny how republicans only defend the freedoms associated with unlimited working hours, union busting, and wage stagnation (see: Sweatshops for Freedom!).

As folks shuffle around for insurance we will have no shortage of angry people and corresponding Drudge headlines. Don’t worry, when that stops the right will cover every person who thought they had coverage but the website didn’t sign them up correctly. Then, when those run out, they will continue to blame every death in America on ObamaCare. When that gets stale and everything is pretty much functioning…Battle Beneath the Planet of Benghazi! Kidding, they will have invented another scandal by then.

Obama is shooting for 7 million enrollments by March, I think he’s lucky if he hits 5.5, but that should do the trick. We must remember a faction of Foxeteers think Ted Cruz successfully got ObamaCare repealed. Full story here, so some of the terminally misguided won’t sign up on principle.

So why then do you think the ACA may lead to our doom, Zano?

Funny you should ask that, imaginary reader. If the ACA does unravel, which is still possible, republicans could surge in the next two election cycles. And that would spell disaster for our country. Mark my words.

I still don’t think the republicans can rally—not if I have anything to blog about it. But, sadly, our elections are ultimately decided by the clueless; those people who vote based on the last gaffe, the last news cycle, the bad hair day before the election, or the candidate they would rather have a beer with. I really don’t know if The GOP is finished, but they are in deep, deep ideological schitznik. Hell, I wanted to give the GOP each a lump of coal in their stocking this Christmas, but I was afraid they’d all burn them increasing our overall carbon emissions.

by Mick Zano • January 10, 2014

Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?

by Mick Zano • January 8, 2014

Liz Cheney Unleahses Polar Vortex after Failed Senatorial Bid

Cheyenne, WY—Liz Cheney, daughter of Sith Lord Voldemort, has ended her campaign for a Wyoming senate seat. Upon conceding her senate aspirations, she cackled manically to the press, “If you will not give me political power I will turn this country into a frozen wasteland!”

Immediately following her statements a large swath of the country was plunged into subzero degree temperatures. Cheney admits her father authorized Operation Deep Freeze, but she is currently denying allegations she used her powers to trap those global warming researchers deep in Antarctic ice. “Wish I had thought of that but, sadly, no,” said Cheney.

She went on to explain how “pulling a Palin” would allow her to spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like tormenting her lesbian sister further on Facebook or waterboarding. “And enhanced interrogation techniques are so much funner with icicles,” said Cheney.

by The Crank • January 7, 2014

So there I was, on my way to Sin City the day after hearing the great news from my Orthopedist that the slightest fall or accident could leave me with more in common with Professor Stephen Hawking than I would like. “Doc, are were talking quadrophenia?”

“The Who? …er…yes, and that headache you’ve had for over a year? …well, that’s part of it too. No cure, just don’t fall or have any kind of accident. If it gets real bad, we can do surgery that probably won’t work.”

So having lost big-time at the Genetic Wheel of Fortune, I was on my way to Sin City to try my hand at another type of gambling. You see, my lovely wife was needing a little getaway so I found that midweek there are some great deals in Vegas—booked us a hotel center strip for $57 per night. What could go wrong? Famous Las…words.

The ride was great, complete with unbelievable scenery which my wife slept through for the entire 5 ½ hour trip. I marveled at the magnificent things to behold, all the while listening to the GPS lady telling me, well, even she nodded off:

“The next 200 miles, you will find zzzzzzzzzz…”

It’s amazing what passes for a town in northwestern Arizona. Wikiup , no really, Wikiup is a group of six small mobile homes with a gas station. Northwest of that? Nuffin. Nuffin until the Hoover Dam.

My wife’s Sonata is quite nice: 41 mpg and fat man comfort at 80 mph. Oh, and by the by, at 80 mph and up, out where the buses don’t run, Chrysler 300s and the like will pass you as if you were standing still.

As we neared Vegas, the GPS awoke and led me to the Mirage. As it turned out, we weren’t alone. Nascar, the Rodeo, and the entire population of Nashville were also in town…simul-fucking-taneously.

Do you know what a football field room, filled with machines all glowing and making wonderful noises does to a certified ADHD sufferer? As I sat on an unoccupied chair in the middle of the casino, it was as if the clouds parted and the choir began singing.

You talk about “oh look, a squirrel!?” This is that on steroids. I didn’t really have to play, I just sat there drinking it all in. They bring those to you too. Bells ringing, electronic noises, flashing lights, buzzers, tumbling wheels with colorful pictures on them. It was like my home away from….look an Elvis!

The place was filled with chain-smoking, cowboy-hatted, gap-toofed shit-kickers (send your letters to askMeIfIGiveAShit@DailyDiscord.com). And, for some reason what seemed like half the country of South Korea was also in attendance, acres and acres of them, all feeding various forms of sure loser machines. We grabbed a meal in the hotel at a Carnegie Deli—ridiculously large sandwich, but complete with real NY flavor—but soon realized that the air in the casinos was unbreathable with cigarette smoke.

We tried hitting a show, which was when I found out why it’s so cheap here on weekdays. No shows early in the week. Just Lounge Lizards and magicians—you know, people even The Discord would turn down.

As we awoke the next day, we planned our one full day in Vegas. Breakfast at the hotel buffet, then off to walk the strip and see some other hotels. It was then, when I put on the room’s TV, that I saw that it was 28 degrees outside. I was all warm and cozy in my unzippable spring jacket…NOT. I froze my fat ass off as we walked to the Caesars’ Palace.

The Palace appears to be the biggest hotel on the strip. Almost ridiculous in size, yet the casino was old, the chairs ripped, and the slot machines scratched up. Not impressed. They did have a real nice shopping mall attached to it, where the idea was to recreate a Roman era town, with arched streets with stone like pavers, where each store front was a different building complete with a curved roof painted as the sky. All of it lit as if it were dusk. Pretty cool.

Next was The Bellagio. Modern, beautiful, and very expensive, but very worth it to those who have the geld. We went to see the fountains out front, but they only work from 3:00 PM on so we played the slots a little. As we went through my mom’s stuff after she passed, I found a small jar with quarters in it that she was saving to take to ‘the Indians’ as she used to call The Mohegan Sun in Connecticut. I had saved that little jar for years and my wife had a dream where she won $23,000.00 with Mom’s quarters.

So we brought the jar, but I soon realized that Vegas was now a ‘paper-in, paper-out’ machine town, so we proceeded to try to have them converted to cash at the casino’s cashier. The Mirage casino cashier told us she couldn’t take them all, but she would take half (?), and then she came to tell us to say the coin counter was out, so she would have to hand count them. Buh-buy.

We took them the Bellagio where they converted them all for us. My wife and I each took half to a machine to bet in honor of Mom. My wife hit one for $230.00! No shit….only off a few zeroes.

After a trip through Harrah’s (not at all impressed), it was now so cold I could not walk anymore, so we took a taxi back to the Mirage to warm up, eat, and plan the evening. We decided to eat at the buffet we had breakfast at, and it was great. It had better be, at 36 bucks each. Real gourmet food. Except the shrimp’s cocktail sauce. Evil drek it was, ruined a whole pile of the little curly bastards that I had planned to devour. How do you screw up cocktail sauce Vegas? Really?

Anyway, a short taxi ride back to Bellagio, and there I was, standing in what was by now almost single digit temperatures (the lowest they have had in years). I watched the fountains dance to the theme from Titanic. Yup, that one. “Yes Honey, it was beautiful, and SO worth it!” I said as the snot froze in a solid stream straight out from my nose amidst 40 mph winds.

We then took a taxi to The Freemont Street Experience, what used to be main street Vegas before the strip, back in the mob days. Freemont Street is known for having a large blocks-long video screen above the street, which is now all pedestrian. They usually have things like running horses and such, all moving above your head. The casino hotels down there are the oldest ones in Vegas, and as such, have some of the best prices, and better odds, or so I am told. We get there to find that three Country Music concerts are being shown this very evening simul-fucking-taneously, so fully half the street is closed off for concert goers to honor the country music people. The overhead video spectacular was a video of an oak floor. That’s it, a fucking oak floor. A twenty dollar taxi ride, frozen solid, and I look up to show my wife, “hey honey, look up at the video I told you about!” A moving video of a stationary oak floor. Um, ok. So we went into some of the old casinos. They were, well old. The slots there seemed to me worse than the ones on the strip. My head is now hurting blazes, so we taxi back to Mirage, have a snack, and off to bed. The next AM we had breakfast, checked out and left.

We did stop at the Hoover Dam on the way back and took the tour. I highly recommend this to anyone going that way. Magnificent engineering feat.

Despite the bullshit, we actually enjoyed the ride and shall return again. This time I want to check out the Hard Rock and the Venetian.

“And Mr. Crank?”

“Yes Doc?”

“Above all, whatever you do, do not ever look up”.

“Uh…ok.”

So I did get to see the bottom half of the pole of the Stratosphere and the base of the Great Pyramid of Luxor.

Crank