Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

The main premise: all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of parmesan cheese. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to wean off with an 8-ball shaker of parmesan cheese,” said Dr. William Lynn, CEO of Bristol-Myers-Kraft. “If you’re hooked on heroin, now you can snort all the cheese you like on the Feds! No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street value. What a deal for everyone, especially those folks at the Cheesecake Factory.”

Vincent Drake, owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals, was quick to adjust his company’s approach, “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of parmaceuticals.  Our mottos, Just Say Roman-No and Parmesan: the Other White Meth are being well received. We believe such parm reduction models will go a long way to winning the war on drugs.”

Field reporter Cokie McGrath added, “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze onto your pasta and voila’, you’re ready for dinner. Just sneeze for more cheese…I like that.”

Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain of this approach. “Maybe it’s just me, but besides the horrible burning sensation when you snort it, parmesan cheese just isn’t the same at all, man. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks? Otherwise I’m going to knock off a Dominos for their parm shots.”

After Zano, Ballz, and I tried some, Ballz got so sick and moved into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house. Zano just curled up into a ball and started rocking uncontrollably, which is not that dissimilar from most nights. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni first.

Time will tell if this will move our addictive hordes to less dangerous substances.  Critics question whether or not this is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. Is Obama’s plan to retire in Wisconsin just a coincidence? Is there a connection between this initiative and Big Parma? Or is this another insidious plot concocted by the makers of Lipitor?  

Flagstaff’s McMillan Pub: the Good, the Bad, and the Zano

Mick Zano

This is a review of a place I already love, but don’t get too excited—that usually means I ask for a set of keys, drink all your beer and then throw an endless house warming party for myself. This pub already evokes both a resounding Hear! Hear!, as well as a simultaneous what the hell were you people thinking! I am either off my bipolar meds again, or watching Colbert’s “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger.” Stay tuned for a glorious rant, done out of love.

McMillan Pub

The Good:

I already like this place, a lot, and I’m an east coaster so for most restaurant reviews I immediately turn into a bitchy kvetchie, hard to please New Yawker. I immediately liked the layout as well as their mixed drinks, particularly their rhubarb old fashioned, but complaints are inevitable because, let’s face it, they’re funnier.

The Pork Shank Redemption: It’s wonderful. It’s really just called the pork shank, but I was just listening to Morgan Freeman narrate something on YouTube so… 

The Chicken Avocado thingie: You don’t call it this, but I misplaced the menu I stole.  Great sandwich, but I agree with Cokie McGrath on this one, it could use some better buns (but, hey, so could Cokie…).

The Branding Iron: A steak, mashed potato thingie. I asked for medium, it was well, but otherwise tasty!

The Chicken and Gnocchi: I loved it, but somehow this made the bad list as well. Stay tuned.

The Hummus and Falafel salad: This is wonderful! But the hummus is sold separately…WTF?! I will leave this in the good column if you promise to merge them together into a package deal. Yes, I added the hummus part to the title, but remember:

“One is the loneliest falafel that you’ll ever do.”

—Three Dolma Night

 

[“I’ve never been to Spanakopita” joke omitted by the editor.]

 

The Bad:

 

The acoustics are lousy. It’s not a concert hall so it isn’t a big deal, but it’s worth mentioning. I don’t know how to fix the acoustics, try to invite more librarians or dining mimes. Just a thought.

The gnocchi of the chicken and gnocchi makes the bad list too. I loved the gnocchi, but five? Really? Five gnocchi? My grandmother told stories from the great depression where you could get six gnocchi, free! …with each purchase of a carrot. The gnocchi were delicious, but they’re not scallops for Christ’s sake, they’re little balls of fried dough…balls of fried fucking dough! …and not of the cash variety.

 

[“Let’s make Gnocchi” joke deemed inappropriate by the editor]

 

The Zano:

 

The beer selection…it’s sooo Scottsdale. If you’re not familiar with Scottsdale Arizona, it’s sooo Hamptons. If you’re not familiar with either of these, you should really get out more.  Let me ‘splain.  Flagstaff takes its beer seriously and we take our coffee seriously…and you have brought us neither!

You must understand, Flagstaff has one fatal flaw: places that serve good food generally don’t serve good beer and vice versa.  We have a myriad of wonderful beer bars, wine bars, and coffee shops, but they’re all strangely devoid of sustenance. Aside from the occasional muffin, I could starve at most of my favorite haunts. To sit down with a nice steak and a kick ass ale is not easy to do, unless you employ the Zano sneak the shit in method (STSIM).

One year before this place opened I prayed each night to the porcelain gods, hoping beyond hope that an establishment would open that serves BOTH fine food and ale. Then I walked over to the tap system and I wept a little. The only IPA on tap was Lagunitas, which is not up to Flagstaff standards. It’s the Budweiser of IPAs, the King of Blahs. Seriously? Lagunitas? If this shit showed up in India via camel, the British troops would have sent it the hell back complete with a rude hump-day joke. They also went with two styles from Borderlands in Tucson, a place I tried to hit during my latest Tucson beer review here. The brewery choice isn’t the problem, it’s the styles: a honey kolsch, a citrusy pilsner, and a sweet porter? That’s fine if you have twenty taps, but six?

Oh, and your service is already in need of an intervention. I’ve notified Mr. Ramsay by posing as your manager…uh, and I called him dick, so batten down the hatches. To put bad service into perspective, Flagstaff is where several pioneers are still waiting somewhere for their sliders. Actually they just opened so I’m just giving them a hard time. I’m sure it’ll all work out and I’ve never personally had a problem. But, then again, I take off an article of clothing every five minutes that I have to wait, so I get prompt service everywhere I go. It’s like magic…because the alternative is anything butt.

The 2nd A-Menument:

 

I ate here again before posting, and they have already implemented a lot of my suggestions! Okay, probably a coincidence, but cool nevertheless.  They’ve already stolen James from Cuvee, one of the best chefs in town, and the falafel salad now comes with hummus! No shit. I didn’t even post this yet… that’s the kind of Zen, Dr. Who-like fictional prowess that I wield! And I spoke with Tyler, the beer manager, and they already have a better IPA on tap, Deschutes Fresh Squeezed IPA. The Brits could have colonized the whole world with this shit…uh, okay, maybe not. The McMillian is also starting to get reserve Belgian bottles of gloriousness in stock and there’s already talk of expanding the tap system and a tap takeover. So far I’ve spoken to Tyler, AJ, Bobby, and James and these guys rock and this place is going to be a fixture in Flagstaff. So now I can fully endorse this place…uh, if you could just lift the whole ‘I’m banned thing’. Look, the waitress incident was not my fault and the men’s room faucet was like that when I found it. And I’m very sorry about the missing painting, but on the plus side it looks great over my mantel.

McMillan Thief, I’m looking right at the camera, but does that stop me? Never!
I’m looking right at the camera, but does that stop me? Never!

Malaysia Unveils Plans for New Global Rail System

Malaysia Unveils Plans for new Global Rail System

Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated “Bus Off the Island” initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

The Malaysian government held out the most hope for their first plan, which consisted of a giant pneumatic tube system. When the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Najib Razak, was asked about the lost funding for this particular project, he said, “One large person is still wedged in the prototype. Did you ever see Willy Wonka? Remember that Augustus Gloop scene? Yeah, well this was much worse.”

The ski lift transport system lost funding almost immediately after calculations suggested the first tower would need to be twice the size of the Empire State Building for it to allow passengers to be ‘ski lifted’ safely to the closest point on Asia’s mainland.

The Malaysian government is asking for international help for this new rail system. “We really need some global cooperation on this one,” said Prime Minister Razak. “Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board, which for us means an actual drawing board, bales of pot, and endless Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner cartoons. Oh, and we should probably change the name of our capital, because it sounds a bit too much like Oompa Loompa, which could trigger too many bad memories. I can’t even watch YouTube anymore without evoking some disturbing imagery.”

I’m Not Joining the Discord, Zano, so Kindly Fuck Off!

Dan Sutton

My thought for today is this:

It’s a message to some of my Facebook friends, particularly those whose posts are various self-identified Republicans…all of whom have exactly the same opinion…their party’s opinion…

Indeed, these social site wizards all have the identical position on:

God, immigration, climate change, the economy, the death penalty, the healthcare system, the education system, home ownership, taxation, big business, the legal system, NASA, the military, Iraq, Iran, 9/11, Islam, Israel, ethnic minorities, homosexuality, drugs, political campaign funding, gun laws, alternative energy, social programs, welfare, abortion and marriage.

There are simply no different positions among them and we’re talking about nearly half of the United States of fucking America. The incongruity of this can be emphasized by noting that most of the positions they take are based upon logic so twisted and faulty as to be indefensible. 

This is not dissimilar to anyone who would submit an article to the Daily Discord for publication, which this is certainly is not. Meanwhile, observing these ongoing posts in Facebook-land, I’ve formed the following conclusion:

Republicans have no opinion or individualism at all—they appear to be so in need of belonging to something that they’ve abrogated any self-awareness they might ever have had—and have instead reduced themselves to reiterating the same crap over and over again, becoming indistinguishable from one another: effectively, they’ve turned into spambots, complete caricatures of one another.

I suggest, therefore, that they create a Facebook page on which they get together and post all this nonsense, so that the rest of us can unfollow it. Foxbook? Pindisinterest?  I’m not a huge liberal fan either, but at least occasionally there’s some glimmer of insight from those Prius driving, do-gooders.

Take for instance, the republican argument on anthropogenic climate change. It’s not dissimilar to the religious right’s “pro life” stance, implying that those supporting the right to have abortions is “pro death”. I think you’ll find that most non-republicans, when talking about climate change, will say that there are many factors contributing to it, not all of which are understood, and that it’s entirely possible, or even probable, that it’s anthropogenic.  Oh, and don’t link to that article where you say something similar to this Zano! Don’t do it!

Zano Climate Change link here.

He did it, didn’t he? BASTARD!

But to sit there and deny that man might be influencing climate change, beyond all reason, because it suits a political agenda if it isn’t, is just so pathetically idiotic…

Frankly, neither “side” is capable of realizing that reality doesn’t care what they believe: it does what it does without giving a fuck about the Republicans or the Democrats… but the idea of solving any given problem, purely on its own merits, without recourse to mind-numbing dogma has apparently eluded them all.

And don’t post one of your cartoons at the end of this either.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP’s frontal lobes are toast, people. It’s that pervasive.

He did it again, didn’t he?

Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble

Mick Zano

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.

Yes…I keep covering The GOP’s nosedive into a delusional personality disorder, because it’s a big deal. This is a condition with a very poor prognosis, both for those afflicted and their nursing home roommates. I have always felt President Clinton’s impeachment marked the moment when this extremist movement first reared its ugly talking head—a moment in time when one party turned on that fateful Batshit signal, a beacon of wrongness that has shone brightly ever since. The Issa’s of that time, not only doggedly pursued the Lewinsky scandal, but they even tried to implicate the Clintons in the death of Vince Foster. Remember that? Twenty years later and this is their norm. Coincidentally, this is also when Matt Drudge entered the scene:

“Since Matt Drudge launched his website (1997) thousands of news sites have appeared to challenge the official globalist dominated political orthodoxy, its censorship and omissions, and offer humanity a truly more balanced and less bias examination of the world.”

Infowars.com, 7/14

Yes, Infowars, who would put their actual name next to that pile of shit? My assessment of Matt is a tad different:

“Matt Drudge birthed and fomented a sociopathic alternate political reality, the likes of which this country has never seen, and the benefits of which remain as elusive as its contribution to our political discourse.”

—Mick (not my real name) Zano

Chris Mooney over on Slate reviewed a recent John Hibbing et al (University of Nebraska) study on the link between negative bias and conservatism. Essentially this study suggests republicans can hone in on any negative tidbit and incorporate it into their worldview faster than the Flash after a case of Jolt Cola.

So where was this ‘advanced super fear’ (ASF) during the administration that brought us to the brink of ruin? ….you know, when it might have been helpful.

“The conservative ideology, and especially one of its major facets—centered on a strong military, tough law enforcement, resistance to immigration, widespread availability of guns—would seem well tailored for an underlying, threat-oriented biology.”

Chris Mooney on Hibbing et al.

So even though everything collapsed under W, conservative types felt safer with the actions of that administration, however wrong or ill-conceived, because it was more in tune with their faulty wiring (see: Netanyahu’s actions 2014 Gaza). Hibbing’s study suggests republicans have a heightened awareness for only certain types of bad news. They have the ability to immediately hone in on that one tidbit of any given report, poll, trend, policy that supports their ideology, or can easily be twisted into such.  Rightwing media coverage also panders to their fear-based mentality and their need to lash out at anything deemed foreign.

Fox News (FP4F)
Fox News (FP4F) Fear Porn 4 Scared Fucks
Fear Porn 4 Scared Fucks

These traits worked wonderfully in the Pleistocene Era when republicans could deport saber-tooth tigers from their tribal regions with impunity (panther-way to amnesty?).  Sorry.

Make no mistake, 2014 is chock full of concerning shit, but none of the real problems are even covered on Fox News. I also believe liberal bloggers are at least capable of discussing an entire concept. They report a number of facts, pro and con, on any given topic. Sure they highlight the parts that put their views and beliefs in a good light, we all do, but good liberal blogs tend to be data heavy. Take Andrew Sullivan, Jonathon Chait, Paul Waldman, Juan Cole, Kevin Drum, CNN’s Fareed Zakaria and dozens more. The republicans have nothing like them, nothing…well, they had Sullivan (why he moved left, here).

“Paris Hilton has more depth after huffing paint thinner than today’s republicans.”

—Mick Zano (today)

Their ability to shift everything into their worldview (see: Coulterian Flip) is an important part of their confirmation bias, luckily you can reuse such distortions or they would have broken them all by now.  There is some good news, with the GOP’s recent mastery of confirmation bias, normalcy bias, media bias and now negativity bias, they’re well on their way to earning a 10th cognitive distortion free!

This is a hell of a time to check out of the dialogue—or, worse yet, invent a parallel one—when so much is riding on the choices our country now faces. These windows wherein we can effect real change are closing. Who am I kidding? We’ve missed more fucking windows than Stevie Wonder in Amsterdam’s red light district.

On that note, I asked Dr. Kwela to weigh in:

Timothy Leary, long recognized as an LSD guru, was previous to that honor known for his work in Interpersonal Psychology (IP).  In IP, a relationship does not exist within either of any of the parties involved, but rather exists as a separate entity, in essence hovering in the space, or interpersonal circumplex, between the dyad or within the group.  In other words, it takes two to Tango, and if you change partners, you may find yourself shifting instantaneously and unconsciously from the Tango into doing the Rhumba, possibly Break-dancing, participating in a threesome, or even mud wrestling.  The circumplex is mapped on bipolar axes:  A) power, control, status; and 2) warmth, friendliness, solidarity.  If two people find themselves at the junction of the axes, the dance is likely to move to the bedroom (metaphorically speaking); however, if the positions of the parties move significantly away from one another, and especially toward the opposing far corners of the graph paper, bullets may fly (literally).

My take on this, when applied to politics – and particularly conservative politics – is that the right wing has carved out its niche at (or better yet, painted itself into) a corner of the circumplex that we might generously describe as faux dominant truculence.  A dog trainer with such a disposition would have no work and no dog.  A cashier, no cash.  A poll dancer, no grasp.  Those on the right have ignored Kant’s suggestion that we should act as if the principle of our action should be made universal law.  They have scorned Schopenhauer’s observation that compassion is the basis of morality.  They have forgotten (or never learned) the important concepts from the Enlightenment, from which the motivation to write the Declaration of Independence blossomed.  Rather, they have adopted the most primitive linguistic structure imaginable built on a bizarre collection of frothy arcane blips issued by Ronald Reagan, Ayn Rand, and the Taliban.

I must go belch now. 

Dr. Kwela juluka

I suffered from a bout of faux dominant truculence myself, but a gastroenterologist really helped. Actually, I think Sullivan refers to this as Chicken Hawk conservatism a phenomenon only deepening with the unchecked support of Israel’s actions in Gaza. And I immediately thought of the border crisis when you mentioned Schopenhauer’s compassion.  What are the deaths of children on our border if such deaths can be turned to political advantage? Republicans believe some Machiavellian return to power would be its own reward, but what are they basing this on? Certainly not recent history.

Oh, and I thought the term integral psychology was coined by Ken Wilber. Shows what I know. An overview of some other GOP thought distortions, here, and my diagnosing of the Grand Old Party here.

With so few successes, why is the Fox Nation still relevant?

Good question. There remains a strong, albeit misguided, tenacity on the right.  Republicans are united in their hatred for liberal causes, which gives them strength. However, their inability at course corrections is a huge detriment and is, at least in part, why I don’t think the GOP will win the senate in the midterms, even though the odds are currently greatly stacked in their favor. 

Cognitive dissonance used to be limited to their inability to accurately predict outcomes, but now there’s mounting dissonance within their own party.  How do they absorb all of this? The GOP’s candidates are all over the map, yet somehow they remain one Fox Nation. There’s a marked difference between establishment RINOs v. Tea Partiers on economic issues and a monster disparity between neocons v. isolationists on foreign policy, yet, even when republicans are more splintered than Pinocchio’s call-girl, they still manage to hold onto a stronger base than liberals.  See, you lazy hipsters! This is why we can’t have nice things! The only thing you Pabst drinking Portlandians can Occupy is, well, this said it best:

We are Discord!
We are Discord! We Occupy Space
We occupy space

The right’s successful use of cognitive distortions are clearly part of their ‘strategery’. I would back a Rand Paul over a neocon any day, but it’s a moot point; he won’t be their nominee. He doesn’t fit into either the wrong or wronger part of The GOP. He’s a bit of an anomaly.

“One part Rand, one part fiction, they’re a voting contradiction.”

—Aynrandonmous

If Paul somehow does win the nomination in 2016, the republicans will have made a seamless 180˚ transition from Hannibal to Neville Chamberlain, without missing a single victorious news cycle. It’s all part of my Zen Wrongness theory (post soon). But a Rand Paul nomination would signal a huge rebuke to the neocon wing of the party, but it would be a quiet coup, devoid of any recognition of past ills.  Fox is never having to say you’re Stossel. Sorry.

As I’ve mentioned before, you can run a story every day for a decade highlighting every person displeased with their Obamacare coverage, but it doesn’t change the fact twice as many people are happier with their coverage, here, and ten million more are covered, here, and it’s bringing down overall healthcare costs, here and here.  You know, the polar opposite of everything republican’s predicted. This can be broken down similarly for every issue. For instance, a judge just recently ruled that, outside of human error, there’s no widespread voter fraud in the U.S., here, but that won’t stop the GOP from covering each of our estimated .01 instances of voter fraud. It won’t change the final number, but it will dupe some dopes.

I will not deny Fox News is having a real impact on reality. Winning! The Sean Hannitys and the Matt Drudges of the world have successfully wrestled the microphones away from the Cronkites and—

[Megaphony joke omitted by the editor]

You can’t omit my last joke, Winslow!

Dear Mick Zano,

Yes, yes I can.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

P.S. And the word ‘joke’ is a bit of a stretch.

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

The disappearing shopper was last seen purchasing a Gucci handbag on Fifth Avenue, before shopping quietly into oblivion. The role-playing video game manufacturers of the same name are protesting any association. A retailer at Gucci remembers the woman, “She had about a dozen bags slung over every appendage. She could barely carry them all. I distinctly remember the smell of burning plastic about her. It was an unpleasant smell that made me a little queasy. I didn’t think anything of it at the time as that happens here a lot.”

When asked if any hope remained for the woman’s safe return, Dr. Hogbein said, “I’m afraid she’s gone platinum. At the point of her last purchase, economic pressures literally crushed her in a process known as Citi-fication. Yes, I just made that up.”

The Discord’s Search Truth Quest team sent field reporter Cokie McGrath into the heart of the phenomenon with a pile of CEO Pierce Winslow’s credit cards. The plan was never authorized so this will be the last day Mick Zano will be working for The Discord. McGrath was last seen leaving Saks Fifth Avenue in a hazy cloud of burning plastic.

Just before she disappeared someone reported hearing McGrath say, “Hi ho, Silver, away!” …which is odd, because she was using a gold card.

Artificial Self-Esteem Bolstering for Dummies

Pokey McDooris

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals…well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.

Let’s consider a case study of our own Little Johnny, a normal all-American child with an idyllic upbringing. Johnny’s parents taught him that he was a very special child. Under the guidance of social workers, his parents made their whole world revolve around Johnny. He was very well provided for–whatever Johnny wanted, Johnny got.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s psychologist told his parents and teachers that Johnny’s anxiety and anger were triggered by unusually harsh demands being placed on him and by being told “no”, the other “n” word as Johnny’s parents now refer to it. Johnny’s school stopped imposing consequences on Johnny for his aggressive outbursts; instead his teachers now give him stickers, prizes, and toys, whenever Johnny goes an hour without assaulting anyone.

Good job, Johnny.

The school no longer uses the word ‘teacher’ when describing their relationship with Johnny. You see, the word ‘teacher’ implies that this person is hierarchically ‘better’ than Johnny. This phrasing could hurt Johnny’s feelings by making him feel inferior. In order to best bolster Johnny’s self-esteem, whenever we document or discuss our interactions with Johnny we will now be replacing the phrase ‘Johnny refused to follow his teacher’s directions’ with ‘Johnny chose to reconsider his associate’s suggestions.’

Good job, Johnny.

Other refined words and phrases:

Old School New School
Johnny broke the rules Johnny chose to explore alternative options
Johnny lied Johnny spoke words inconsistent with reality
Johnny punched a peer Johnny coordinated his motions in such a way as to interfere with another’s comfort
Johnny threatened a peer Johnny spoke words foreshadowing an ill-fated future for another
Johnny told the teacher “fuck you” Johnny expressed a desire to develop a deeper intimacy with his associate

Johnny’s school doesn’t believe in failure, or the “f” word as his teachers now refer to it, so Johnny will be graduating high school with honors even though he can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence or add without using a calculator.

Good job, Johnny.

And Johnny’s a great athlete. He sits on his bean bag chair for hours playing football, boxing, baseball, and hockey. He’s destined for greatness. Johnny’s also a Navy Seal, a Ninja, a Supreme Allied Commander, and sometimes even a grand auto thief.

Good job, Johnny.

On Facebook Johnny is the producer, director, and star of his very own personal reality TV show called ‘Everybody Loves Johnny.’ He’s very popular. He has thousands of friends.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s extraordinary talents don’t translate well into the normal workforce. A person of Johnny’s caliber doesn’t perform well when other people tell him what to do. Good thing that Johnny can make more money by not working. Johnny’s caseworker is helping him obtain social service benefits, medical assistance, behavioral health coverage and welfare. Johnny might even find a scholarship for college. I think that Johnny will be very successful.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s story should inspire us all. No longer do we need to be burdened over stressful standards of achievement and personal responsibility. Just like Johnny, we’re entitled to access all the glories of greatness without ever having to leave the comforts of our government subsidized home.

Good job, society.

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles.   After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top. 

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.