Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty

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Mick Zano

Say bye bye to those science guys. A recent poll showed a whopping 94% of all active scientists do not identify themselves as republican. What I want to know is: who is this other 6%? Should we hunt them down and confiscate their Bunsen burners? Step away from that particle accelerator slowly, sir.

Can you be a scientist and live in an alternate anti-science reality?  I guess you can be a quantum libertarian. Wait, I’m being told they broke from republicans too—and then atomized for freedom. Juan Cole found this science poll, here. Juan Poll?

Sure 6% is low, but it still begs the question, how can any remotely scientific-minded individual relate to today’s conservatism? The cognitive dissonance alone would be like sticking Mitch McConnell and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in a G-Force rotational machine.

…but we should still do that. Please sign the related petition below.

Maybe those few holdouts are just being oppositionally defiant? Or how many just checked the wrong box because they were sexting their hot lab assistants? She texted me with science? Sadly, there are still some smart folks trapped in Fox holes, albeit not many. Once in this alternate reality, we see patterns where none exist, here. It’s like seeing the sailboat in those autostereograms. Stare at Megan Kelly’s legs long enough and you see the sailboat.

Hint of the day: when staring at Megan you will sense the main mast first.

Their propaganda doesn’t seem very convincing to me, but what if you’re only semi-engaged in politics because you’re desperately trying to find an abby normal brain over on the Island of Dr. Moreau? Sometimes scientists are busy people. Maybe they only have Fox News on in the background while they’re reanimating dead flesh.

The new GOP meme has become “I’m not a scientist”, which should be followed by, “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

“The beauty of the line is that it implicitly concedes that scientists possess real expertise, while simultaneously allowing you to ignore that expertise altogether.”

—Jonathon Chait

It’s a wonderful tactic, not that they really need tactics anymore. Fox News has proven people will believe anything and, what’s even more disturbing, those most delusional wrong in the 21st century feel retractions are passé.

 

“I’m not a scientist. In fact, none of them will even vote for me.”

—John Q. Republican

When you do corner a republican with things called facts, they will inevitably employ one of these tactics: the reversal, e.g.: why are you anti-Sematic? Or, they will cite that one data point, the outlier, that supports their indefensible position. Or, my favorite, fuzzy logic: e.g., what do we really know about anything these days?

This last one is true. Our media sucks, left and right. In 2014 it’s very hard to glean the truth through these ever-thickening agendas, lobbyists and ideologies. But when those scant tidbits of knowledge do sift down to us, how does the GOP utterly misinterpret them every flippin’ time?! Those few shreds of wisdom that emerge through the 21st century cacophony—what few things we can glean—republicans can’t seem to glean!

[Glean Joe Glean joke omitted by the editor]

YES, we know next to nothing about anything, so how is it possible to know even less than that? Hey, this is a hazy crazy time period so let’s abandon history, science, facts, and statistics in favor of something Fox calls: Whatever the hell the Koch Brothers want me to think.

Great idea! And let’s employ this belief system amidst a time of climate change, mass extinctions, and an ever-looming threat of WWIII. Brilliant! How helpful of you. Yeah, all smart people are dumb and having a high IQ is another vast left wing conspiracy. Makes sense. Have you heard of Occam’s Razor? Of course not!

To ignore the perils of our planet in 2014 for a drill-baby-drill mentality is sociopathic and suicidal. Our super capitalists don’t believe in green energies or global warming and our fundamental religious factions don’t believe in evolution. In fact, they recently attacked the host of Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson, because science keeps contradicting The Bible.  They couldn’t attack the theories themselves, so personal attacks would have to suffice. The usual. When Sagan hosted the first Cosmos series, a generation ago, I don’t remember this fundamental backlash. This is another sign of the GOP’s de-evolution.

Evolution…you’re doing it wrong!

“Those creatures who find everyday experience a muddled jumble of events with no predictability, no regularity, are in grave peril. The Universe belongs to those who, at least to some degree, have figured it out.”

—Carl Sagan

So I guess the universe is mine. BOW DOWN BEFORE, ZANO! Meanwhile, with republicans figuring out so little, I guess we should be thankful they’re not beheading us liberals at our town hall meetings.

Or:

LET'S HOPE THE 6th EXTINCTION HAS ROOM FOR ONE MORE SPECIES

This will happen, but unfortunately so will the Rise of Radical Republicanism. Coming soon to a blog post near you.
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Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway

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Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States via Metro-ground Railway

“This is more evidence of the War on Easter,” said Obama.  “We should not be limited to worshipping anthropomorphic egg-bearing rabbits on only one day each year. Let’s not forget the true meaning of Easter, which, again, involves this rabbitoid thing and the distribution of decorated hardboiled chicken eggs.”

The First Lady added, “What Barack is trying to say is, it doesn’t in any way have to do with amnesty for all illegals and then lowering the voting age so Democrats can win more elections.”

The President made a dismissive gesture toward his wife, before saying, “Now, if you will excuse us, we need to make sure the kids aren’t trying to release the flying monkeys again.”

On their way inside, the same reporter asked why all the children appeared to be totting milk shakes and large sacks of candy, Michelle said, “Uh, yeah, there’s a War on Halloween too. Besides, we had to do something with all the booty in those school candy machines that I confiscated.”

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Rhyolite Nevada: a Place That Makes Other Ghost Towns Seem Bustling

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Bald Tony

For several months Mick and I were planning a trip to Great Basin National Park.  Alex Bone thought this was kind of funny.  You see, Alex is a true outdoorsman, a throwback to another century, a man’s man who makes Grizzly Adams look like Martha Stewart.  Alex’s advice was to stay on the marked trails while wearing bright clothing and warned us about entering the back country.  Fine with me.  While I actually like spending time outdoors, my idea of roughing it is staying at Bellagio when the Aria is booked.

Two days before we were scheduled to drive to GBNP I checked the weather.  I shook my head in confusion, cleared the screen, and this time carefully input the correct destination.  The forecast was still the same.  High of 36, low of 22 with a steady snowfall throughout the day. It might be germane to inform everyone at this point we’re talking about the third week in May.  All those YouTube videos of the park were apparently filmed between July 10th and August 10th.  

As much as I love Las Vegas, I really wanted to get away on my vacation. So we headed to Tonopah for a ghost investigation, here, and then Mick suggested Yosemite. As we started to climb the road toward Mono Lake, however, it started snowing.  Mick asked, “Where the hell can we warm up in the desert?” Freezing to death in the Nevada desert during the third week of May seemed a tad ludicrous to both us.  I said Death Valley National Park sounded like a good place to warm our feet. Heck, it had to be warmer than 22 or even 36.  While consulting a map—yes, a real paper map of the AAA variety can never be refolded properly by even the most adept origami guru. Anyway, we noticed the ghost town of Rhyolite, NV is adjacent to the eastern edge of DVNP.  We had never been there, but being a Nevadan for 18 years I am familiar with the lore of this long abandoned municipality.

Rhyolite Nevada: A Place that Makes Other Ghost Towns Seem Bustling

Rhyolite is a true ghost town.  Not a small town with a low population, not a touristy, manmade-to-look-old-and-abandoned town, but an actual bonafide, no-living-soul-has-resided-there-in-a-century, ghost town. There are no services or businesses of any kind.  Rhyolite had a short life span, 1904-1920, and its decline quickly accelerated in 1911. So, essentially, it only had seven good years, which Zano reminded me is six more than he’s had. That could be why there’s a feeling of, if not anger, at least frustration, in them there Bullfrog Hills.

So Mick and I are somewhat adventurous being in a real ghost town, yet safely within a ten minute drive of gas, food, and lodging in the small town of Beatty, NV.  Bone probably would have walked to Rhyolite after setting up a base camp in DVNP.  Mick and I drove there with the air conditioning on, stopping for snacks and bottled water along the way.  But once the car was parked, we walked more of the site than we drove, which is pretty badass…uh, for us.

Mick and I are both amateur shutterbugs.  Neither of us will be hired by National Geographic, but we enjoy getting out there and seeing what develops as we take photos.  If you’ve read some of my other stories (and if you haven’t, why the hell not?) you know I am old school overall.  In fact the first digital camera I ever owned was purchased shortly before this trip and it’s still confusing me.  Maybe by my 2015 vacation I’ll have it figured out.  Anyway, Rhyolite is a photographer’s paradise.  The abandoned buildings, the rugged scenic backdrop, and while there will be other tourists when you visit, there aren’t so many as to get in your way, and they’re not the photo bombing type.  I was thoroughly enjoying traipsing around “town” taking photos, feeling the cool vibe of the place, and feeling safe and secure in our decision to forego the frigid, artic high Nevada desert.  High plains snow drifter?

Albert Szukalski’s 1984 version of Da Vinci’s Last Supper

Perhaps the coolest thing in Rhyolite is Albert Szukalski’s 1984 version of Da Vinci’s Last Supper…uh, on acid.  This brings the spooky factor of the place up a notch and, really, the town didn’t need any help in that department.

WARNING Rattlesnakes sign

Cue the WARNING Rattlesnakes sign which, conveniently, the Bureau of Land Management put the Porta Potty right next to. 

[Note: One eyed snake joke omitted by editor.]

While not a haunted ghost town, so far as we could tell, Rhyolite is definitely worth the stop. It brings your typical eccentric abandoned ghost town up to a whole new level. Just leave Zano in the car…with the window rolled down, of course.
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Is She No Better Than a Republican?

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Mick Zano

I hate to pile on the Clinton Administration before it even gets out of the Benghazi-gate, but Hillary is either as clueless as the rest of the chicken-hawk republicans or she’s pandering to a parallel universe in hopes of some votes.  Either way she’s losing me and ‘so goes the Zano so goes the election’. Okay, no one says that.

There’s a reason Hillary’s sinking in the polls. All she needed to do was shut up and assume command in 2016, but she’s showing a huge lack of insight by chiming in.  Anything can and will be used against you. I hoped to find out what an evil clueless hag you are after the election, the way our Founding Fathers intended. My frustration stems from her recent criticism of Obama’s foreign policy, here. You got Iraq wrong, lady. How is fomenting rightwing drivel going to help you or your party in the midterms? You’ve gotten everything wrong in this arena and your ‘solutions’ to the Middle East seem as misguided as the Fox News All Sharts. 

Sorry, but neoconism died. Cheney killed it. He shot it in the face when they were out hunting. Sorry you didn’t get the 17% approval-rating-memo.  Andrew Sullivan is also starting to Hillary bash over on The Dish. He begs the question, is Hillary really any different from McCain on foreign policy? I don’t see much distance either and just when I was starting to get over Managed Care.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Whitewater?

I think Hillary is actually basing her criticism of Obama on GOP inaccuracies. She’s saying we should have helped the Syrian rebels, many of whom are linked to a variety of terrorist groups. Give me a break. Don’t you get how clustered this whole situation is post Operation Enduring Femdom? Here’s why you’re all wrong.

Obama got the WMDs out of Syria without a land war. Of course, now he has to give them all back to Assad so he can fend off ISIS. Although, they have a weird kind of relationship right now as they both hate the Syrian rebels more than each other…for the moment. And, yes, ISIS is being led by the same people the Bushies sent away when they, in their infinite wisdom, disbanded the Iraqi army—in a county that we never should have invaded in the first place. So is it still Bush’s fault? No. Creating the army we are now fighting by destabilizing the region after you lied us into war is… uh….is not …umm. Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch to blame Bush (throat clear).

Lest we forget, a McCain or Romney Administration would have already bombed the shit out of Iran, which—if that hadn’t started WWIII—would have forced the U.S. to rebuild and rearm Iran to help keep ISIS in check. They would have called this some very patriotic name like Operation Get the Fuck Back Up, Bitch. Are you following?  Now how to get back the arms back from radicalized Syrian rebels, who the U.S. deemed a terrorist group in 2012? Well, McCain and Hillary would be retrieving these weapons during in Operation Repo Man.

Granted, Obama did cause all of these problems by pulling out of Iraq…er, I mean by following Bush’s Status Force Agreement, complete with a specific Iraq withdrawal date. W wanted this in effect so he could initiate Operate Clear Brush and Paint Shit.  Only by Dec 2011, the time of the withdrawal date, the Iraqi army wasn’t so much standing up as kneeling several times a day to pray to Allah. They would then practice dropping their guns and fleeing, a trick they mastered by the time ISIS, run by their old disenfranchised bosses, returned in 2014. Still with me? Why? I’m just making shit up at this point.

Now, Obama could have reneged and kept helping the Iraqi army for another ten years during Operation Please Stand the F-Up Already MFs! How does Al-Qaeda fit in, you ask? Well, Al-Qaeda in Iraq—who never existed until our invasion—morphed into ISIS with the help of Saddam Hussein’s army. This promoted the advent of a covert Area 51 program called Operation Reanimate Saddam Hussein, wherein it was hoped that Zombie Saddam can re-stabilize Iraq. The Walking Despot?

Or….instead of all that bullshit, you can actually understand that arming radical rebel groups with all of our latest toys, like Reagan did, like both Bushs did, and like Clinton did, is really, really stupid. And maybe, just maybe, the best thing to do is to start the Golf War by pulling out onto the green in your speedy little golf cart while flipping all of you opinionated no-nothings the presidential bird.

More importantly, where was Hillary Clinton the night four Americans died in Benghazi?!

Yeah, it’s complicated and republicans simply aren’t. To say they are delusional is an affront to delusional people. Obama’s approach is essentially correct. We can no longer successfully police the Middle East. If you don’t believe this, you might be a republican. We can’t protect them from themselves. I can’t even entirely blame Bush for that, although you can say he took something hovering around a seven and escalated the situation to an 11. Spinal Crap? Because our foreign policy goes to 11!

I like the idea of arming only the Kurds and if the crazies are bent on killing themselves, we can watch key cities, key resources, key genocides, but beyond that the Middle East is going to play for a while until they finally get it out of their system…or they’re all dead. Their call.  If the fantasy world called the Republican Party takes the helm, we will all look back fondly to the Bush years as everything he did will pale in comparison to their atrocities. The only ones who haven’t noticed how bad they’ve become are themselves. They will continue to base their decisions whether or not to go to war on a delicate blend of Breitbart.com and prejudice, and facts be damned.

So I am starting to think gambling a few percentage points to get an actual human being, like Elizabeth Warren, elected may be worth the risk.  Granted, Hillary did a great job as Secretary of State.

(Collective gasp.)

I realize this is news to our local parallel universe.  You know, the place where Hillary snuck into one of our embassies and, due to some workman’s comp issues, shot four defenseless Americans dead and then burned the place down to cover her tracks.

Benghazi: so many questions….

Lewinsky’s Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive

…so little relevance.

Actually, it’s been a long time since Hillary murdered Vince Foster so her urge to kill was simply becoming too great. Again, the concern is that a Warren candidacy puts the presidency back into play and there is nothing more important to our collective future than defeating the GOP in 2016. Success for the GOP will mean our swift demise, and I am kind of pulling for a lengthy hops-n-barley filled one. That’s from Reve-libations Ch 1:9.

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Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted Into Kazoo Hall of Fame

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Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted into Kazoo Hall of Fame

We are being told it’s actually Gazoo from The Flintstones.

I didn’t really write this part. Don’t turn me in. This can be our little secret. Okay, you shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s like that good post, bad post thing. But our CEO is paying me by the word these days and I really need some extra beer money this week.  You would need a beer too if you had to work day in and day out for our CE0 and resident one percenter, Pierce X. Winslow. He’s always acting like Lou Grant on ‘roid rage…well, on a good day.  Oh, and I got this bad histamine like reaction after taking Niacin, is that normal? Am I allergic?

Blah, blah blah. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy.

Really, I think it’s starting to form a rash.
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Who’s More Serious About Climate Change? ISIS IS!

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Pokey McDooris

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It’s time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it’s time to stop pussy footin’ around the subject. Let’s get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS’s five steps to Beat Climate Change.

I believe Obama’s plan to save the world will not be nearly as effective as what ISIS has in store for mankind. Let’s combat our warming world through the magic of Sharia Law!

1) Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraisers

Many may not realize the meaty market for young sex slaves. On a good day healthy young 12-year-olds can attract five digits, maybe even a six! And ISIS promises that 50% of all proceeds will be donated to the funding of green energy powered WMDs.

2) Reduction of Automobile Use by 51%

We hereby pass worldwide legislation that outlaws women from driving automobiles. By eliminating women drivers we will put a serious dent on the world’s carbon footprint. The legislation will further fight climate change by sentencing those found guilty of such an offense to community service in the Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraiser.  That’s not even counting the ones we’ll stone for adultery!

3) Slave Labor to replace carbon based energy

We propose Infidel powered windmills (IPWs) without the need of wind; scientific consensus agrees that infidels, horses and camels can power any Jihad, so Gitteeup!

4) Massive Population Reduction

Much of the global warming problem stems from the fact there’s just too many damn people. Birth control and abortion haven’t worked, so it’s time to get serious. We propose an exponential increase in beheadings. Let’s save the planet, one dismemberment at a time. I want our kids to get a behead.

5) Destroy Western Civilization

Who can deny that Western Civilization is the root cause of all global warming/climate change? Without Western Civilization there would be no such thing as a greenhouse gas problem. The Great Satan has the biggest carbon footprint ever. Talk about a Bigfoot sighting. We have you in our sights! And it’s time to take that hairy bastard down.

Makes perfect sense. You’re either with us or against us. Hey, let’s freeze some of those severed heads and make some ISISicles!
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Prescott’s Haunted Hotel St. Michael: Oops, Ghost Found

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Mick Zano

Once upon a check-in, I asked for my traditional room—which is always dead, and not in any kind of a supernatural way—but the desk lady decided to upgrade me to a queen. She must have noticed my high heels. This turned out to be my ghost investigating big break, or big mistake depending on your point of BOO!

I would have to go it alone for this one, because due to my age and incongruous maturity level, it’s becoming harder to find company. Shock poll: everyone who knows me agrees with this poll. Actually, I had other business…I was squatching. Fine, I had to train a class the next day, aka, I wasn’t going to a training to sleep, I had to stand up in front of people and present stuff. This proved difficult after the Amityville-F-king-Horror I experienced the night before. WTF? This is not even a particularly haunted hotel. Try Googling Hotel St. Michael in Prescott. I dare you. There’s next to nothing on this place, it’s a veritable taBoo rasa. Heck, I just came from the Mizpah, which is tier-one haunted, this place would be lucky to make pier-one imports. This was going to be a tip toe through the banshees, or so I thought.

Tell them about the Twinkie, Ray.

There was no Twinkie! Stop that. But I have even stayed here before and slept like a…

[Alex Bone joke omitted by the editor.]

In fact, I always sleep well in haunted places, see any of my other ghost misadventures…ever. Heck, I didn’t even bring my Viewmaster for this one. I usually have Bambi in the cue if anything weird happens. It doesn’t record anything evidence-wise, but it always makes me feel safe.

This should give you some idea of how prepared I was to encounter a real entity. What makes me crazy is that I had plans for after this training. I wanted to hit: The Raven, Granite Mtn Brewery, Prescott Brewing Co., Murphy’s, The Palace, The Gurley Street Grill, The Drunken Las, Celtic Crossing, Matt’s Saloon…

Kidding! I hate Matt’s Saloon. Point being, I had shit to do, but now thanks to some bored spook I’m exhausted. According to the front desk folks, The Ghost Hunters already declared 319 haunted, well, I spent two nights alone in room 318 and ditto. But I couldn’t find any reference to this online, but here’s my two cents…and two nights. Oh, and I will never spend another night in this hotel again! Mainly, because their liberal use of the words “room damage”.

The staff claims what action this hotel does get is generally limited to the third floor, but I got no action on the third floor, despite my kick ass stilettos and fishnets. On that note:

Night One:

When I arrived back at my room around 9PM on Thursday 6/26, I started with my usual 3rd floor walk about and captured this shot between the 2nd and 3rd floor.

Then I headed to my room and started clicking and clicking and clicking and nothing. Wait! Bambi’s mother died! Nothing…so I listen to some Coast to Coast AM and turn in around 11PM. I know what you’re thinking, but the episode wasn’t about ghosts. Then, I suddenly wake up swatting my shoulder as if something was there. I snap some pictures and start capturing some serious orbage. Then, like any good ghost investigator, I go back to bed.

About an hour later I have this horrible dream that I owe material for Mr. Winslow, but he can’t open any of the files I sent him. Okay, not that dream. I dreamt that I’m desperately trying to get out of this very hotel because it’s haunted and then, when I wake up, all hell breaks loose. I walk to the end of the bed and take some more pictures and there’s this cold spot. I have never experienced a cold spot. I have experienced a warm spot in a public pool, but I’m told that’s different.

Suddenly I feel wave after wave of chills and goose bumps. I don’t get goose bumps so I am wondering if this is a walk-in clinic thing or if there’s an ointment involved. I have never had such a weird feeling, so I start snapping and start getting orbs in almost every picture I take!

A montage of some of the room visitors.
A montage of some of the room visitors.

Then the weirdest thing happens. I see this flare through my camera. I didn’t catch this on film—because it went by in a fraction of a second—but as the flash is cueing up, something shoots through my viewer like a meteor. I’m like, holy shit! Where is my camera man when you need him! I am wide awake now so this isn’t some semiconscious state thing and it definitely wasn’t a bug.

I try to sleep again and I’m woken up again. Now, it’s 3AM and I have to be up a 7. So, I’m like, if you’re going to keep me up all night I want a full apparition, in the mirror, or I’m going back to sleep.

It’s a pretty weak attempt, no apparition, and it’s partially on the frame. What is the deal with ghosts?

I finally say, “Look, I have to present tomorrow, you know, conduct a training so play time is over. I need to sleep. Tomorrow night I’ve got nothing but time, so for now I please go back to room 319.”

Thankfully, I slept for the last couple of hours. This was not a frightening experience for me, to put things in perspective frightening is working for Pierce Winslow, but I would describe it as unsettling. I can look through my camera and see shit that isn’t there? Yes, I stopped taking my medications, but only because the pills were helping the government hear my thoughts.

The next morning I woke up, thanked the spirits for some sleep and snapped one picture. Yep, it had an orb in it. It’s a shame the walls are white because most of these really blend in, so for all of my sleepless trouble I got a couple of dozen meh-looking-orbs (MLOs).

Night 2:

I decided to retrace my steps and actions from last night, so before lockdown I took a round of pictures around the 3rd floor and…

Possibly the best dust particle I have ever captured on film.
Possibly the best dust particle I have ever captured on film.

The bottom one is the same orb, only enlarged. Below is what I captured in the room during night two.

So I go to bed, I tell the ghosts to do their worst and….I wake up eight hours later to my alarm. Really? Why couldn’t the ghosts stick to the script: 1. night one sleep for training, 2. night two lots of spooky haunting stuff (SHS). I send the itinerary out weeks ahead of time. Yeah, I’m talking to you, pestergeists! Keep me up and I got next to nothing to show for it, NOTHING!  And, whereas I am not prepared to say I believe in ghosts at this time, this was a weird night and now picture all this happening with me in fishnets and stilettos. OK, don’t picture that, I’m losing enough fans lately.
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Discord CEO Moves All Reporters Into a 1957 Winnebago

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Discord CEO Moves All Reporters into a 1957 Winnebago
Alex Bone

Rest Area outside of Bullhead City—In an effort to cut expenses and help fund his second home in Bermuda, CEO Pierce Winslow has moved the entire Discord reporting staff into the old Winnebago his grandmother left him. No less than a dozen reporters, six children, eight significant others, eleven cats, four dogs, twenty-six snakes, a full bar with keggerator, an eight-foot statue of Yig and seventeen cubic-feet of crawdad traps will be living and working from a space roughly the size of Winslow’s guest’s guest bathroom.

When we tried to reach Mr. Winslow for an interview, he wouldn’t allow us into his office. I did hear him bragging to his secretary’s assistant through the door. “They think this is bad, if that thing breaks down wait until they get a load of plan B. Besides, it’s all part of this team building exercise I read about, or at least a slightly more sadistic version.”

Undaunted, the Discord team has tried to make the best of their situation. “We’ll be like pirates,” said Alex Bone, while strapping a six foot statue of Yig to the hood. “Only dumb ones.”

“Yeah, look on the bright side,” added Zano, “with the Ghetto Shaman in jail, at least we won’t have to deal with all of his chickens.”

The women appeared less enthusiastic. After pulling out enough hair to allow Bald Tony to join an eighties hair band, Cokie McGrath shouted, “All the women are relegated to, big surprise, the kitchen! I’ve already heard enough of, ‘well, since you’re there, Cokie, how about twenty sandwiches and a few pizzas?’ And that’s just Bone’s order. I would call them misogynists if I thought they’d know what it meant.”

I spoke with Mr. Tony Ballz, who sat with three cats on his lap between two adults and two small children on a couch. “I’ve had worse,” he said, before turning away to place an order with Cokie in the kitchen.

Since everyone is now housed in the same location, Winslow cut staff expense accounts even further. He rationalized this by sending the gang a Sam’s Club card with a note that read: BUY IN BULK. Alex Bone Is trying to subsidize the food supply by laying out his crawdad traps each night, but when he got arrested for stealing butter, morale fell to an all-time low.

“But at least we have some space,” said Zano. “That tall freak took up as much room as all the pets put together.”

What does the future hold for the Discord crew? Only time will tell. But as long as they can sponge enough money to keep gas in the tank, there’s no limit to where they could be reporting from next week…as long as you let them park in your front yard…and, maybe, use your shower occasionally. Yeah, that would be really cool. Tony’s starting to smell. Oh yeah, and do you have Wifi? This article needs to be sent to Winslow A.S.A.P. or we won’t get our next food allowance.

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This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

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This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel “unfortunate collateral damage.” President Perry went on to say, “There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan “Israeli genocide”—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3…. ah …umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking.”

When further questioned about the QMT collapse, Perry said, “NYPD tapped on the tunnel five minutes before the explosion. They all received the ‘Netanyahu Knock’. Those who chose to remain in the tunnel after that time, during bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic, were in violation of the law. So the fact they were all crushed and/or drowned is on them.”

In related news, The Perry Administration has dropped all investigations on NSA spying and CIA torture in favor of a 57th special committee on Benghazi.  “57 has always been my lucky number,” chuckled Perry. “There are just too many unanswered questions in 2023, questions I’m sure Vice President Cruz will come up with before the hearings.”

Perry shrugged off criticism that the combined cost of these committees have now topped the combined economies of the poorest 32 nations of the world. “Nonsense,” said Perry. “Poor countries would love to have all these special investigative hearings. They’re just jealous. Four Americans died in Benghazi and we don’t even know if Hillary ordered the attack. I don’t even think we’ve asked that one yet. Someone write that down.”

When a reporter attempted to ask a question about Global Warming, he was shot in the face by Secret Service. “Yes, we are losing coastal areas to what I am calling oceanic aggression. I’m not a scientist, but many on my side of the aisle feel tidal extremism is caused by socialism. We’re losing sand, Bernie Sanders, there’s a connection in there somewhere. We can only win the War on Water via increased fracking and the construction of the Keystone Pipeline VII. We can’t let the oceans dictate our energy choices. That’s not freedom. Besides, coal plants are now doing their part by offering free gas masks for children and our senior citizens.”

When questions turned to our nation’s economic woes, Perry said, “Obama’s global economic collapse of 2008 remains an important lesson, but with a very healthy .2%, and republicans back at the helm, shit should start trickling down any minute now.” The President then gazed toward the sky, held out his hand, and repeated, “…any minute.”

He then touted his signature legislative achievement, Trump-Limbaugh, which helped deport Obama and his family back to Kenya. He then concluded, “I don’t want people to keep complaining that since the closing of the FDA one in ten food products contain either salmonella or botulism. Think about the nine food products that don’t! Nine out of the ten is an A in Texas. And, remember, today is a great day to be an American, but today is also almost over, so please adhere to all curfew restrictions and Cruz Laws. In the name of freedom, go home and stay there. Those homeless among you should report to your nearest Reagan Shelter for processing.”
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