Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution

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Mick Zano

The Constitution of the Divided States of ‘Murica is akin to The Bible, in that republicans worship it despite a nearly complete inability to understand any of the meaningful bits. Thou shalt not Teabag? I believe, post 9/11, the Constitution died. Rest In Parchment? My message then, to anyone who would listen, was this: the 2008 presidential election signaled a shift from an inauguration to a coronation, so forgive me if constitutional indiscretions seem passé. Post 9/11 our checks and balances collapsed at the feet of an imperial presidency and, yes Pokey, I make no apologies for showing some relief in the fact our current monarch has an IQ above that of a turnip. I realize this is an affront to those citizens of Turnipsylvania.

The collapse of our Constitutional rights came, not at the hands of the Dems but at the hands of those constitution-lovin’-dipshits among us (CLDs), although I will admit expansions and the institutionalization of executive powers have occurred under Obama, here. There are inherent costs in having the likes of the Tea Party and Sean Hannity champion this important document, aka, I’m starting to miss it already.

Despite his modus propagandi, Hannity and his ilk would have fared much better in 1930s Germany than colonial America. Founding Faterland? I know this doesn’t register with you, Pokey, but the GOP remains the major stumbling block of our time. This phenomenon I keep covering will also be a key focus of history and will likely play heavily into our pending collapse. Future bloggers will marvel at this profound shit-show amidst the so-called Age of Information, thus my endless Comical Cyclical Redundancies (CCRs). Bad Meme rising?

I remember what my father said after 9/11, “Don’t ever bring your girlfriend back to this house! She stole all of your mother’s pain medication again!”

Wait, uh, that other thing he said after 9/11:

 “As bad a day as this was, the problem will be our response.”

—Papa Zano, September 12th, 2001 (or thereabouts)

I shared my father’s concern at the time—that chick really was bad news. But remember, Glenn Beck had some important thoughts on 9/12 as well, after he sniffed some glue. These days the difference between prophetic or pathetic comes down to your political affiliation. This is why nothing you predict will likely come to pass, Pokey. You live in an alternate political reality.

It’s funny to hear Pokey defending the Constitution when circa 2003 to 2006 he had a hard time wrapping his head around what was happening. Essentially post 9/11 Bush looked at the Bill of Rights and said, naaah. But, hey, those are only the first ten amendments of that Constitution thingie, right?

“Amendments? Who needs amendments to the Constitution? Why mess with perfection?”

—John Q. Republican

I don’t want to rehash this shit, suffice to say essentially at some point post 9/11 Bush politicized the Justice Department and soon after big bro could read your mail, your email, and listen to your phone conversations (all without a warrant). They could then pick you up, detain you without due process, torture you (abroad and then eventually here) all for the low low price of just declaring you an “enemy combatant”. No trial necessary, but on the bright side Bush eventually did learn how to say and spell “combatant” properly which does make it constitutional—ish. If that weren’t disturbing enough, there’s even evidence Cheney had secret prisons, here, and was working on a secret police.

I also remember arguing with you one night many year ago—one of our most heated arguments ever, in fact—at Ye Old College Diner in State College, PA. It happened just after Zeno’s Pub closed for the night… Fine, they threw us out. But this conversation has been pokeyphrased and the names have been changed to protect the delinquent:

Pokey: They’re not picking Americans up off the street without a warrant and torturing them.

Zano: Yes they are.

Pokey: Name one person. One person!

Zano: Jose Padilla! JOSE PADILLA!!

(A guy from Brooklyn who we now know was tortured to the point of irreversible mental illness.)

Obama: Zano’s right, we tortured some folks.

Zano: Hey, while you’re here, Mr. President, can you pick up the tab?

Obama: I think we should all share the burden equally.

Pokey: There he goes again.

Forgive me, Pokey, if I’m not as concerned about a guy elected twice on the issue of expanding healthcare coverage to more Americans and then…uh, he expands healthcare coverage to more Americans. Wrong, maybe, but comparatively?

As I’ve said before I wish the republicans had focused on the individual mandate instead of all those senseless appeals. Opportunity lost. In the 21st century there is no opportunity the Republican Party hasn’t squandered, thus the Dems lingering shot in the midterms. This should be a blow out—at least historically—but control of the Senate remains a tossup because one group remains dangerously incompetent.

Oh, and the Supremes have ruled your biggest beef with Obamacare Constitutional. I agree with you, though, it’s a stretch. Most people who own shit have to pay for garbage, or property tax or a slew of other things, but I agree asking the terminally disenfranchised to pay for their emergency room visits—well, there are plenty of alternatives. How about instead of allowing insurance companies to make one thousand percent profit, let’s knock that down a point or two? That should more than cover this relatively small tab for those poor peeps just out of the Medicaid Expansion range. Meanwhile, you say healthcare coverage is not an inalienable right, so pay the fine or sign the Zano waiver and forgo any emergency room visits. Your choice.

Pokey: What’s that I hear?

Zano: That Pokey is the sweet sound of freedom, aka, you bleeding out in the ER lobby.

Good luck with that.  What I want to see rolled back is Bush’s expansion of executive power, in particular surveillance of Americans, arrests of Americans without due process, torture, and the ability of the president to wage war without congressional approval. These are very important points. We do have a similar understanding of the Constitution, we don’t have a similar idea on the fix. You want Mr. Smith to go to Washington, only your Mr. Smith is Ted Cruz and he can’t find Washington, or his own ass with both hands. The Tea People voted for Bush, twice, and are so detached from reality that even W himself has reservations about their obstructionism, their partisanship and their approach.  Republican thought is already at the edge of the solar system so the Tea Party’s ideology is beyond our current technology’s ability to even map, or:

Oort Cloud Map
I think this is an accurate ideological map.

I know your brand’s complete descent into madness is “besides the point” but I couldn’t disagree more…well, I could but I might strain something. I don’t know how you propose to restore shit. We shredded the Constitution and the Bill Of Rights almost unanimously during a nebulous, forever War on Error. I understood even then how future leaders would likely expand, not roll back these powers. Meanwhile, your views are inherently contradictory, Pokey. You want freedom, the freedom to follow a set of specific religious tenants.

“Like religion, conservatives demand strict obedience from all members of society making it incompatible with democracy or a free society. For the past four-and-a-half years, Americans have been besieged by an axis of fundamentalist groups who exemplify anti-democratic ideology and between corporatists, evangelical fundamentalists, and conservatives, the nation risks drifting toward fascism and if not thwarted spells the end of American democracy.”

—Politicus, USA

I know I’ve said this before, but I attended an official Tea Party Express rally…uh, only because I thought the bus said Tea/Espresso. Sad but true, full story here. This group is wholly incapable of getting elected and, your God help us if they do. These people have no understanding of the Constitution or recent history.

We currently have only two choices in this country, dumb and dumber, and at the moment I’ll take dumb.  I don’t think I’m giving dumb a free pass, I simply have a host of other criticisms based on reality. Sadly, these so-called libertarians on your side of the aisle are totally under the control of the super-rich. Makes sense. But that’s okay, because they think libertarians are people who like to read in that place with all the books. They’re terminally misinformed at this point and their prognosis is poor.  This is continually driven home for me after each and every news cycle.

The Constitution is a great framework, but it’s open to interpretation. It was designed to be a living document that grows with the times. That’s why our judicial system can reverse-engineer it through legalese to forever come up with a ruling that’s exactly in tune with their personal ideology. It’s not some infallible document handed down in tablet from to Noah at the top of Mount Rushmore. See? And you said I never read the Bible.

I think you missed the point when it mattered, over a decade ago. But we do need a group that emerges who can champion the restoration of the rule of law. Dems are not up for the task and our other two choices are unconscionable.

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A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick up Hockey Game

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A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick Up Hockey Game

Montreal, CA—In response to the recent terrorist act, Prime Minister of the Canadian Parliament Stephen Harper, is less than pleased with his Skype session with Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, the head of the Islamic State. Their on-line meeting was plagued with translation difficulties, explosions, and streaming issues that tragically spilled over into the first period of Sunday’s Blackhawk/Senators game. 

Prime Minister Harper suggested the two factions settle their differences by “meeting over a Molson and maybe playing some hockey, eh?” To the dismay of the Canadian Parliament this request was met by calls to “behead the Canadian infidels!”

Harper told The Discord today, “I know we already called this recent veteran car attack an ‘act of terror’, but this is Canada. Before we make our ultimate decision we must defer any final judgment to our goal judges in Toronto, eh? You know, after we review the instant replay.”

Harper continued, “The great Canadian Empire has a strong history of conquering all those who stand in our way, although we admit we’ve had some trouble with parts of the Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles lately. Whereas we stand by our allies in this fight, we are getting a late start to this whole Islamofascism-thing but remember, we have mounted police. That doesn’t mean their shagging anything. Au contraire, it means they’re on horses. I know what you’re thinking, and NO. They don’t do that either. That’s just sick.”

When asked what Harper plans to do about ISIS, should the hockey pickup game plan not occur, the Prime Minister responded, “Make no mistake, we are not afraid to deploy our Mounties into the more heavily-wooded areas of the Middle East for the purpose of keeping the peace.”

He later emailed the Discord requesting all the ‘ehs’ from his previous statements be removed and, “If I happened to say back bacon, ditto.” To which the CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, responded, “No problem, eh.”
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Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

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Mick Zano

It’s astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. Before I go on this epic Pokey rant, as you noted in an email exchange, our views are ultimately not that dissimilar and yet there remains this ocean of difference in the delivery, the solutions, the priorities, the context, and the bigger picture. Why? You need more real fake news in your diet, my friend, and lay off that red meat.  Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for reality.

First, per an email exchange, I admit we’re all brainwashed to some degree, here, but there’s Brainwashed Lite and there’s Brainwashed Double Imperial Stout Reserve. I stand by my five-calorie assessment of myself. Your brainwashed ABV % suggests you shouldn’t legislate for another six election cycles. And please don’t gerrymander and drive.

You still support the Tea Party? My suggestions for this group were ignored, here.  I warned them to stay away from establishment republicans, yet they immediately aligned themselves with corporate America and the worst aspects of the Foxeteers. Now, as John Boehner recently put it, “They have lost all credibility.” Thus by standing by them, so have you. If you remember I had some sympathy for their Founding Fodder, Ron Paul, but no longer. Invoking the Palin-plan and turning politics into a reality show not based on reality isn’t helping—well, unless you can fit Congress into the back room of Hogs & Heifers.

[Lipstick on a pig joke removed by the editor]

Summary Alert:

Republicans greatly expanded executive power under Bush and then through an obstructionist only agenda (OOA) during the Obama presidency have essentially broken our system.

As per your last post, I agree parts of the ACA remain unconstitutional, which is why I initially had reservations about supporting this legislation. I said as much on this site here. 

But stay tuned, kids, for an important Zano-action-plan after this important rant:

Look Pokey, most folks now agree that going into Iraq, the way we did, was a huge mistake. Then eventually people said, wow, the Patriot Act was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Now in a recent email you are changing your mind on Climate Change (so did Ken Wilber, by the way, here). Fast forward and eventually you’ll agree how Citizens United wasn’t quite as cool as the packaging. Then we’ll hear, wow, why didn’t we switch to green energies sooner? Why did we support coal for so long? Breathing turned out to be as important as jobs. Who knew?  Yeah, well I don’t care at this point, we simply don’t have enough time left to babysit republicans.

As for your little Tea Party, Kansas went the most austerity route post Bush, cuts only, and it crippled them. Europe is recovering in the order of who went the least austerity-heavy forward, which was my prediction here. Why do you still ascribe to supply-side economics amidst the greatest disparity of wealth in a century? And your “sensible solution” is a flat tax which would only widen this disparity, here. One study suggests trickledown/supply side economics has never really worked anywhere on Earth ever, here. And yet here we all are, still trickling down all over the place. Yes, there are temporary monetary gains when you break unions and create ‘right to work’ states, until that day ends when we’re all working in the same sweatshop. When red states do well it’s predominately about the pools of oil and natural resources under their feet. Republicans aren’t the Rockefellers, they’re the fucking Clampetts.

GOP Hillbillies

And someday it will become evident that there’s no military-only solution in the Middle East. Last night I heard Bill O’Reilly say he wants General Patton to rise from the grave and wipe them all out. We battled for over a decade—your way, Bill—and what do we have to show for it? ISIS? The day General McChrystal said we have a presence in 1 out of 10 valleys in Afghanistan, 6 years in, I knew this whole thing was a fool’s errand. This is whack a mole.  Obama is correct to portray these conflicts in such terms. So you’re not brave, Bill, you’re a fool. There’s nothing else to call someone who ignores, not the lessons of history, but the lessons of last week.

These tribal types are not going to hold up their hands and surrender to Zombie Patton and then we all meet in Geneva to discuss the terms of their surrender. They will hide until we are broke. Get it? I don’t know what your suggestion is either, Pokey, but if you align yourself with Bill O‘ the Clown….

There are dozens of collapsing states across the globe and we’ve gotten nowhere trying to fix only two of them through large military campaigns. If there was a viable military solution I would back it, but it’s nothing more than a farce like everything else republican’s espouse. And the only thing—the only thing these dangerously incompetent boobs have noticed in the 21st century is the unconstitutional expansion of executive power that THEY made possible. Yes the Constitution is in jeopardy, Pokey, but you cannot have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzalez and, yes, they’re both wrong which is why I have been very critical of them both. We disagree not on the problem, but on the solution. If there’s any chance of restoring the Constitution it will come post The GOP. Republicans will only support the Atlas Buggered types and your little Tea Party will bankrupt us in the name of Freedom. Both of these groups are incapable of competently championing any of these causes. Republicans have proven to be dangerously delusional, which is fine if you’re downtown arguing with a fire hydrant, but not so much if you’re running the largest economy and the largest military in the world.

Here’s the plan, Pokey.

Step 1: Through the Discord’s Get Out the Spoof efforts let’s ensure there’s a steady decrease in republican elected politicians (SDREP). I want the Zano Nation—all eleven of you—to vote D in the midterms. Remember, only one person in the country thought the Dems had even a chance to hang onto the Senate.

Step 2: Foster the emergence of a new viable conservative political party with principles NOT based on a delicate blend of false assumptions and bullshit. Tea Party need not apply. This is going to be the hard part as post the GOP collapse to come will further radicalize them, here. It will be important to support moderate republican voices during this transition.

Step 3: Finally, address the shit from your last post. These are valid concerns. I voiced similar concerns pre the ACA and also pre the War on Error. First, we must create a political atmosphere wherein reforms can actually take hold. For example, a healthy Republican Party could have focused on the individual mandate of the ACA instead of 427 meaningless attempts to repeal the entire law. They could have focused on the ratio of tax cuts to revenue instead of tax cuts only. Depressions suck and so do Republicans. They can and should be ignored. But until we have a viable 2nd party this places our rights and our future in jeopardy.

The rule of law will never be restored if we keep electing those biggest offenders, those who broke said rules in the first place, in power. Hell, I was never a super majority kind of guy, as it will likely bring with it a host of its own problems, but having seen the damage one political party has wrought in the 21st century, can we survive a temporary super majority? Yes We Can!

Dear Pokey,

Your constitutionalists only focus on the 2nd Amendment, yet they still manage to misinterpret it. Your economists believe in “voodoo” and you’re still fighting conventional wars against stateless fundamentalists for the benefit of Halliburton, not America.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Keep on torturing for Jesus and good luck with that next Benghazi hearing.

Or:

Meanwhile, close Guantanamo, the courts system works, Congress doesn’t. Back green energies, fuck coal. Keynesian economics works (sadly), trickle down doesn’t. I want a balanced budget too, let’s start with everything the republicans refuse to cut.  Science works, republican ideology doesn’t. Gerrymandering is a real problem, voter fraud is not. Investigate Bush’s War, not Benghazi.

Arguably the reddest state, Kansas, invariably votes for the Monsantos of the world—the ones who destroyed farming as we know it. Brilliant.  And Governor Brownback, the most austerity heavy republican of them all, busted the state’s economy so badly you can see the aftermath from flippin’ Oz.

I have suggested many things over the years and yet all my warnings have gone unheeded. What the hell have republicans warned us about? Ever? Any republican in America would immediately answer with something fundamentally false. How do we have a system of checks and balances with the perpetually unbalanced? I commend your attention to constitutional detail, Mr. McDooris but it will never be heard through The GOP’s current Scheissgeist. That remains my main point. Zano Nation unite, form of blog rant.

Transcosmetic Party anyone? Perhaps we need to create mission statement. You in, Poke?
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Is the Constitution Obsolete in This Zano Nation?

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Pokey McDooris

You and I have a different idea of the nature of the constitution. The purpose of the constitution is to ensure the defense the individual against the government. Our forefathers broke away from the King of England to create a republic that recognized that all individuals were endowed by their creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All powers not granted specifically to the federal gov’t fall to the state. All powers not granted specifically to the Fed or State fall to the local gov’t and all powers not granted specifically to any gov’t fall to The Daily Discord.

The Obama administration began in 2008 in an economic crisis—I’m sure you agree so far—when a bipartisan agreement granted the federal gov’t the power to spend trillions of dollars to stimulate the economy. This action was constitutionally controversial, but because both major political parties agreed and convinced the vast majority of citizens of the crisis, it was passed without serious constitutional challenge. I couldn’t and can’t argue with it. Then came Universal Healthcare, the largest gov’t legislation in the history of our nation.  I think, if I’m wrong, name something bigger. [Winslow’s note: Um, federal income tax?] (Wait, I retract that question to avoid another feeble attempt at humor.) But the size and scope of universal healthcare is monstrous and the real problem came when the administration and Congressional Democrats rushed the 2,000 page legislation through Congress with no bipartisan support. The law made people, like yours truly, legally mandated to purchase healthcare.

Where in the constitution is there any suggestion that the federal government has such power to force an individual to purchase health insurance? Thus the Tea Party was founded, with my support, to put a stop to this obvious constitutional violation called Obamacare. The Tea Party, with the rallying cry of constitutional limitations on the federal gov’t, made a strong showing in the 2010 election. Then the Obama administration, rather than declaring war against radical Islam, turned a blind eye allowing Jihadists to rape and impregnate Christians with future Jihadists. This has been instituted as any person with a Muslim dad is not permitted to leave Islam. Wait, didn’t President Obama have a Muslim dad? Hold on… I think Donald Trump is calling. So the Obama Administration decided instead to attack “his real enemies” the Tea Party and limited government groups.

Since Obamacare has become the law of the land, the executive branch has changed the law without going to Congress at least twenty times, including:

1.) A one year delay of the requirement that employers must report to their employees on their W-2 forms the full cost of their employer-provided healthcare (Jan. 1 2012).

2.) Administration ordered an advance draw on funds from a Medicare bonus program in order to provide extra payments to Medicare Advance plans, in an effort to temporarily forestall cuts in benefits and therefore delay early exodus on MA plans from the program (April 19, 2012).

3.) Federal exchanges for small businesses that will not be ready by the 2014 statutory deadline, delayed to 2015.

4.) Employer mandate delay (July 2, 2013) 5) Congressional opt-out offer employer contributions to members of Congress and their staff when they purchase insurance on the exchange created by the ACA a subsidy the law does not permit. (Sept. 30, 2013) 6) delay of individual mandate.

Where does the Constitution give the President the executive authority to ignore the separation of powers by revising laws? President Obama’s answer, “In a normal environment it would have been easier to call up the speaker and say, you know what, this is a tweak that doesn’t change the essence of the law, but we’re not in a normal atmosphere around here when it comes to Obamacare so I’ll just rewrite the law myself.” That’s obviously unconstitutional. You know it is, Zano. Obama’s stance is yours, “Republicans don’t understand. They’re dangerously ignorant. Meanwhile, the President has to violate the constitution in order to do what he knows is best.”

It’s not a matter of the Democrats are better than the Republicans. It’s a matter of principle–constitutional principles that I know and directly ‘feel’ being violated right now as we speak. You give him a pass, because, “He’s better than the alternative.”

How am I’m wrong?

“Anyone who would choose a little security in exchange for a little liberty deserves neither and will lose both.”

—Benjamin Franklin
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Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

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Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors.  The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather “a cycle of violence”, or in this case a cyclone of violence. “We lost electricity in my town,” said a local fisherman Richa Gavde.  “That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!”

The protestors who gathered on the beach shortly prior to the storm’s arrival all shared the same contempt for meteorological patterns. It is believed they maintained this same contempt as they were swept out to sea by a raging storm surge.

“The weather is always fucking with us,” said Jatin Gupta. “Do you know how many times I have rebuilt my home in the Bangladeshian lowlands? This time I’m holding my ground. Fuck the ocean.”

One holdout from the British Empire, Nigel Chapman, held a sign that read: down with this sort of thing, “I think the ocean needs to stop this senseless aggression against land masses. We did away with this sort of thing in England ages ago. I would go back to mother England but I just added a deck and a sun roof to my mud hut. So I’ll be damned if some weather system is going to march in here and tell me what’s what.”

One of the organizers of the protest, Nitin I’m-fresh-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta, regrets nothing, “This is only the beginning of our fight against oceanic aggression and the like. I believe the God Head is purposely stirring up powerful storms as part of the politicization of global warming. These sociopathic storms kill indiscriminately and they must be stopped. China is seeding clouds and changing their weather patterns, so I think it’s our turn. And I’m not just talking about ending the reign of cyclones, I want to see an end to their cousin, the monsoon, and their little sister the tropical depression. This is 2014 not the superheated Archaeozoic Epoch is my point.”

Nitin I’m-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta later told the Discord he would like to add the phrase “for fuck sake” to his early statement. After careful consideration, CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow has since declined this request.
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Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush

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Mick Zano

Whereas history tends to repeat itself, one necessary element in this process is the time required to forget shit. Typically there are decades or even centuries between identical historical blunders (IHBs) as that’s how the whole eventually-shit-is-cyclical thing is supposed to work. But Republicans are like that guy who gets three DUIs in a 24hr period and then decides to drive to a bar. They’re insisting on F-ing everything up again, not in 2050, but by the end of their next news cycle. Quantdumb?

As we approach the midterms, the GOP’s warp-speed idiocy maximization project (WSIMP) is percolating nicely. Regardless of what you think of Barack Obama, it does not somehow vindicate the W shit-show. According to our local alternate universe, all this country needs is a return to a Bush-style economic plan and a Bush-style foreign policy. I’m not making this up…What’s the worst that could happen? And the far right is somehow becoming the authority on issues again, which is disturbing if you’re forced to live on Earth.

                               

“So the party that was primarily responsible for the years of grinding, bankrupting war, a descent into torture, and an evisceration of many core liberties is now regarded as superior to the man originally tasked with trying to recover from that experience?”

—Andrew Sullivan

This week the Wall Street Journal brings us this gem:

“Real median household income rebounded smartly in the middle of the last decade. That rebound occurred after the Bush tax cuts on capital income and marginal income-tax rates became law in 2003. What’s needed now is a return to policies that put growth as the country’s highest economic priority.”

Smartly? A Bush policy ended smartly? Is this supposed to be followed by canned laughter? If this guy worked for The Discord I’d fire him. Hey, that’s it! Maybe Fox News had a canned laughter machine but they cut funding for it…that would make their segments make more sense—ish.

Dear Wall Street Journal dude, waaaay more jobs were created under Clinton and he approached this problem from the exact opposite direction. There’s no evidence Bush’s tactics created jobs, none. It did create a global economic recession; I do seem to remember something about that…or:

Bush miss MeYet

Meanwhile, now that all economic indicators are improving, our President is slipping even further in the polls. Obama-hate is at an all-time high, higher than even Bush or Clinton, here. Am I missing something? Fox News would say yes, but that’s your first clue I’m not. Obama is beating Reagan on private job growth, here, and overall unemployment is way down, here. All economic criteria are improving, final, so I guess it’s time to F shit up again. Why can’t we connect good news with approval ratings anymore?

Dear Foxeteers,

History will judge Obama’s predecessor much, much more harshly. Funny thing about scholars and historians, they tend to be scholarly and historical.  But luck on your next bullshit news cycle.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. And you’re supposed to wait a few decades before making the same mistakes. History is supposed to be cyclical, not news-cyclical. And some of you may now want to look up the word predecessor.

But now that we’re starting another trillion dollar campaign in the Middle East we can recreate the circumstances that existed just prior to the last economic collapse. Awesome! If that’s not cool enough, there are also calls to return to a more Bush-style foreign policy, and by that I mean Obama should invade Ebola.

How did we track from chicken hawk to war weary and then back again to chicken hawk in five minutes? In the republican universe, the Iraq War was essentially all but won until Obama managed to botch the withdrawal which sent the Middle East into a tailspin. And now the right feels somehow vindicated because of Panetta and a growing laundry list foreign affairs complainers.

Hint of the Day:

No one that discusses ISIS has the same idea how we should handle this situation. There are no two identical plans in or outside of Washington. Why? Because there are no good answers, unless you build a time machine and….hmmm, Bush or Bin Laden? 

Yes, Pokey, Obama should have gone to Congress for his little ISIS venture, but I understand the desire to keep the buffoons out of it, especially when the buffoons go, uh, we don’t want a vote, keep us out of it, here. Well, we elected them—okay, not really—they were gerrymandered into their positions by Constitution-loving voter suppressors (CLVS). That makes sense. Besides, it’s legal. Today on NPR General Wesley Clark reminded us how Bush’s requests to wage war on terror were too broad. Giving the executive branch the ability to unilaterally wage war was a mistake—one of many as it turns out.

“In retrospect, what the country needed was a radical break from the Bush/Cheney national security policies: A reestablishment of American moral integrity; a rejection of decision-making based on fear (of terrorism, or of political blowback); a reassertion of the international laws of war; and a national reckoning. Instead, the hopes for any change are slim.”

—Dan Froomkin

In the same article, Froomkin blames Obama for institutionalizing Bush-era atrocities. Pokey recently uttered a similar sentiment, but I don’t think it’s a fair estimation.

As I’ve already said Alert:

Obama was never going to restore the rule of law, in fact, it was naïve to think he would. When Cheney told Obama, “You need to use these new tools to combat terror” and, “You’ll thank me some day” (paraphrased). The implication was, Oh, and if we get hit again and you role this shit back, history will nail you to the fucking wall, bitch, which is probably the only relevant thing Dick Cheney ever said.

But there’s no defense for defending torturers, which is Obama’s true failing, here. Obama should be impeached for this and Bush should hang. But the truth has no place on Fox News, so the only real argument for impeachment will remain on a spoof news site…BENGHAZI!!

Besides the aforementioned torture part, if I were in Obama’s shoes I would have done most of the same things. Does it fly in the face of the Constitution? Sure. Should we be concerned? Yes…especially if we are ever shortsighted enough to hand these tools back over to republicans. They would then use them to torture walruses for colluding with Al Gore on Climate Change and then nuke Canada.

“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.”

—George Orwell (snagged from a Sean McElwee feature)

There is no event republicans can’t spin and there is no lesson from history too basic for them to misinterpret. We are currently losing this game called reality to a pack of crazy, no-nothing sociopaths. We cannot let this happen. The future you save may be your own.

“Rage, rage against the lying of the right!”

—Dylan Zano

Vintage musings on multiverse theory here.

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Applause Trailing Off Mid-Set for Local Coffee Shop Duo

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Applause Trailing off Mid-Set for Local Coffee Shop Duo

Flagstaff, AZ—By all accounts they were doing great. The local band, Flag Beat, started off the set with something Simon and Garfunkley and, when the applause finally subsided, they banged out the jazzy sounds of old Jelly Roll. Then somehow the applause died off suddenly during the band’s rendition of Spandau Ballet’s True.

“I told my partner in crime there is no good time to play Spandau Ballet,” said Bart Newell, the lead Saxophone of Flag Beat.

Guitar player Mark “rocket” Deluca disagreed, “It wasn’t the Spandau. When we played True at nearby Bushmaster Park, we crushed, we had them eating out of our hands.”

Newell pointed out, “That’s because of the homeless population there. They didn’t like the song, they were just literally eating out of our hands.”

Deluca again protested, “I don’t know what happened. Maybe it’s Ebola, maybe it’s the whole ISIS thing, or it may simply have not been the right time for people to clap. Or maybe they all clapped too much in the beginning. Your hands can start to hurt after you clap too much and we get a lot of that.  Look at the word itself, clap, it’s also an STD. Besides, clapping may be offensive to some groups or fly in the face of cultural sensibilities and that’s the last thing I want to be a part of. I stand by our performance and our song list. We are not changing a thing. Or some might find clapping a violent act; many feel it’s a gateway gesture. I don’t clap myself so I can’t judge others for not clapping.”

Newell added, “He’s got a problem (pointing to Deluca). I should have known when he tried to get me to watch Xanadu. This guy is turning into Yoko Ono on steroids. We’ve been through more bass players than Queen and more drummers than Spinal Tap and it all comes back to two words: Spandau Ballet.”

Flag Beat will be performing next week at Bushmaster Park in an attempt to regroup and return to “their people.” Sandwiches are available upon request.  They are encouraging their homeless friends to stay as long as they want but clap as long as you stay, unless clapping is culturally offensive to you. Lead guitarist Bart Newell is making no promises about attending this performance as he is considering returning to his former band, The Armpit Salesman.  “Those guys may all have the Clap, but at least they get applause,” said Newell.

The Armpit Salesman were unavailable for comment.

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Once More Unto the Embassy Breach, Dear Friends

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Mick Zano

So Pokey, I’m brainwashed? I understand Obama’s Muslim strategy and I commend it. In fact, I suggested it years ago…to you. Our more savvy administrations will forever attempt to separate radical Muslims from those moderates as conflating the two would prove catastrophic. This is some of the Benghazi nuance you are calling a scandal. I call it don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball (SNL 1991). Obama will strike what needs striking but will, more importantly, support and foster any and all moderate Muslim voices that might emerge from this Middle East shit-show. He may well back some to a fault. [Sheikh Abdallah Bin Bayyah joke beheaded by the editor.]

There are two paths:

1. Containment of radical groups through drone, airstrikes, and special ops while supporting the rise of Muslim moderates, or:

2. Wider military campaigns that will prove ineffective and will ultimately bankrupt our country.

Obama understands these two choices but will President Clinton? See, I talk about stuff that’s going to happen and try to give recommendations in real time. Solutions are strangely missing from Foxeteer country, aside from the occasional Nuke the Towelheads! comment and other such deductive gems. Not only do Republicans have nothing relevant to add in the moment, they have mastered a form of advanced revisionist-history via glue-sniffing (ARHvGS). You should take note of this and put down the glue, Pokey.

Onward to BEN-GAZZARA! Yes, I made this joke two months after the attack, here, and Maher just used it, like, last week (Real Time with two year old Zano jokes?)

Benghazi Summary Alert (please skip this paragraph, for f*&^’s sake):

Obama called the Benghazi attack an act of terrorism the next day in the Rose Garden.  And, if you think the attack on Benghazi spontaneously happened the same day along with dozens of other attacks across the Muslim world, Obama’s bullshit makes more sense than your “truth”. The mastermind behind the attack, in captivity, allegedly moved up the date because of the video protests. I notice you have no comment on this. Perhaps you should explain to the attacker, why his motivations were wrong.  If there were no wide-spread video protests the same day and no connection to the attack, then Obama lied. And, yes, these radicals were planning this attack, but not on the anniversary of 9/11, because they moved up the date to take advantage of ensuing video chaos, or like this guy said:

“So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames?”

—Mick Zano, Nov 2012

After catching the mastermind and interrogating him, my theory is all but confirmed, which means I’m wrong. So I’m protecting Obama from relaying a valid point. Keep in mind, the real story is this: if Pokey’s narrative proved true, I still wouldn’t understand his point.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:

One third of the world identifies as Muslim, so if we declare war on them all, the way our Christian soldiers insist, then we’ve played right into Bin Laden’s hands. And, if we go broke through a series of ill-fated Bush-style military campaigns, ditto. If we employ either of these approaches, we should probably start brushing up on our Farsi. I am already quite adept at Farcey, but I’m being told that’s different. The ultimate answer lies with Muslims themselves. If they further radicalize and too many remain at this dangerously sick level of consciousness, in the immortal words of Bill Paxton from Aliens, Game over, man! Obama understands this, so he’s opting for containment strategies while encouraging and supporting the rise of moderate Muslim voices. He is also trying to get the rest of the world on the same page, which is very hard post Bush. Obama’s is the best approach, even if you and your ilk can’t seem to wrap your [edited]  around it. (Damn…beheaded again.)

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?”

—Captain Jack Sparrow

On the flip side, Republicans assume all liberals can’t seem to wrap their heads around extremism. This is true as they tend to side with republicans on military interventions waaaaaay too much. See any vote on war ever. This is what worries me about Hillary 2016.

Perspective: Wouldn’t It Be Nice If the GOP Had Some?
Perspective: Wouldn’t it be nice if the GOP had some?

Oh, and did I mention any investigations should be focused on that big circle of cluster fuckage called Why-the-F- We-Invaded-Iraq-in-the-1st-Place? The fact we’ve had 426 Benghazi investigations and no investigations on the lead up to the Iraq War is a testament to our collective ignorance. I stand by all my important spoof news Benghazi coverage here, here and here.

Although I guess I should warn everyone, the Discord was just added to the internet Hoax of Fame list here. I call bullshit! I AM A REAL JOURNALIST (cough)…well I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Pokey, my friend, your entire argument revolves around a ratio of the impetus behind the attack and whether or not we called them bad men or bad religious men. Benghazi was caused by extremists who will kill Americans whenever they get the chance and whether the impetus for the attack was more video, more 9/11, or more of a protest on Fox’s decision to cancel Glee—

“What does it matter at this point?”

—Hillary Clinton

One of Hillary’s biggest election challenges will be to overcome this quote. Of course, it’s true, but truth has no place on Bullshit Mountain. Obama never denied these were bad peeps, he just never called them the right kind of bad peeps. Impeach! I don’t want Sharia Law in America either, I just want our leaders to employ an approach that decreases the likelihood of this eventuality. Going broke through a series of military blunders is the opposite of helping.

Benghazi Hint of the Day:

As for the lead up to the attack, the handling of the attack, and the spin the next day, no wrong doing has been found by any of these investigative committees.

This latest committee promises to look at security issues, which was suggested by a Dem, here. Let me save you some time and money—this one is true.  Dems tend to investigate things related to reality, which is why at the moment they have my support. This committee will find security issues and preventing the next Benghazi is the only relevant part of this Foxudrama. And the blame for security will ultimately rest with those who defunded embassy security. Hint: it rhymes with re-goblin-kings. Yes, the committee will find everything I already mentioned in my first article, two years ago, for the low, low price of 147-million tax dollars. One spoof news blogger beats every republican, every time. Three cheers for fiscal conservatism! Three cheers—wait, I’m being told Congress cut funding, so we’re down to two cheers. Bastards!

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Battle Beneath the Planet of Benghazi

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Pokey McDooris

On September 12th 2012, I said, “A terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11.” I spoke these words to anybody who would listen.  You wouldn’t, Zano. I realize the coffee, the beer, and all the coffee-flavored beer is at this point a great distraction to you. So let’s just blame the hops, the barley and the coffee beans for your ignorance on this matter.

The words that came from our nation’s executive leadership the day after the attack were very different from mine: “A reprehensible and offensive video caused a spontaneous protest that led to an unfortunate tragedy involving the death of four Americans” (paraphrased for your enjoyment). Neither statement is factually false, but there is a clear difference. One statement clarifies the essential significance of the historical event, so that the listener (or reader) would understand the relevance of the event. The other statement obscures understanding and leads to a distortion as to the essential truth of what actually occurred.  For similar examples read ANY Zano post.

It appeared to me then, as it does now, the President’s administration had orchestrated a PR campaign to purposefully deceive the American public by conveying a false impression as to what actually occurred on 9/11/2012. That would be called “lying.” A lie as defined by Webster’s dictionary as “to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly with intent to deceive; to express what is false or convey a false impression.” Yep, that pretty much sums up what the Obama Administration did, and is still doing.

Why did the Obama administration propagate such a false narrative? I will say that if every American understood clearly that “a terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11” at the time of the Presidential election, it very well may have turned out differently. And Zano’s voter suppression efforts “Streaking for Drone Striking” also did not go unnoticed, by the Flagstaff Police Department.

Remember that President Obama was peddling his “we’ve killed Bin Laden” narrative so “we’ve greatly weakened terrorists.” This didn’t fit in with his PR campaign blitz.

There have been many conspiracy theories proposed as to the full story behind the President’s false narrative—and Zano has focused his attention on exposing the conspiracy speculations as “lies,” but Zano still refuses to acknowledge that the Obama administration “lied” from the get go and continues to lie on this issue. Zano would have us believe that Susan Rice was heroically presenting the truth of the offensive video that caused the attacks while under persecution from the evil right wing conspiracy that threatened to suppress such truth about the reprehensible video. This is what it means to be brainwashed. I ask you–am I lying to say that “a terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11?” Because if that statement is true, then any watered-down version presented by our “leadership” deceptively conveyed a false impression. And Zano, I’ve watched as you call everybody a “liar” who speaks against the Obama Administration on this issue, everybody, that is, except the ones who uttered the primary “lie” upon which all the speculation was based.  So, Mr. Zano, the coffee-flavored, imperial boozy stout is in your corner.
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