Pokey V Zano: Our Culture War for Dummies

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Cokie McGrath

I did very little actual moderating for this one, none actually, but I agreed to review a challenging email exchange between Pokey McDooris and Mick Zano. I cleaned it up a bit and took out all the more colorful metaphors, terroristic threats, as well as any and all references to midget porn. You owe me, Zano, big time.

Before we start you also owe me for last weekend’s Brewery ghost shoot. I am ready to kill all of you bozos! Grrrrrr. I am Cokie, hear me roar! ¯Let it Go! ¯ Let it GO! ¯ …now back to our regularly scheduled program. This debate focuses on those recent cases involving encounters between white officers and unarmed black men. I would like to add, it was nice to see Zano discuss a topic that he generally avoids. He has Avoidant Personality Disorder—among other things from the DSM-V.

Pokey: My problems with the recent police brutality news stories have to do with people highlighting scenarios wherein a white man kills a black man. Look, I know racism exists, and I’m sure racial motivations account for some black men’s death at the hands of white police officers. The problem is that President Obama consistently aligns himself with black racists who have time-and-time again pushed forth a narrative that corrupts the truth of what actually occurred. This had real consequences in Ferguson.

Zano: It’s true, twenty seven windows were broken and, had Obama delivered the Ferguson Address, several windows could have been saved that night (innuendo/in your window joke removed by the editor).

Pokey: Obama never acted as a leader during the Trayvon Martin or Michael Brown incidents. He said, “If I had a son he would look like Trayvon,” invoking race into a case that obviously had nothing to do with race. He said, “I understand your frustration” to people who were justifying their mob aggression by showing their “hands up, don’t’ shoot” theme, even after it had been clearly determined that Michael Brown never put his hands up in surrender and never said “don’t shoot.” President Obama also sent his emissary, Reverend Al Sharpton, who has made his living off exploiting ‘black murders by whitish men.’ Where exactly did Reverend Al attend seminary, Our Lady of the Black Panther?

Zano: I understand your frustration. Hah! Sorry. This is a serious subject, but as it turns out I’m a comedian. This is a media issue, it’s just like how Fox News is catching and covering all black on white violence that MSNBC “missed.” Funny how when MSNBC is misbehaving, it’s already Fox’s Modus O’Reiandi. I was not there for Martin or Brown incidents, but the Cleveland video raises an eyebrow and after the Garner video my eyebrows flew off my face and landed in my beer. I was shocked. I wanted to drink that beer.

Pokey: As for the Garner video, obviously the police officer used too much force. On the surface it seems like a case best taken to court, but I didn’t see everything involved. Maybe New York ought to rethink its prosecution of people who sell untaxed cigarettes. New York overtaxes the shit out of cigarettes and then, when a guy finds a better deal for the addicts, the SWAT team arrives. When a man resists arrest, it becomes a life and death situation for the police—I agree, I wish this case would have gone to court—although that didn’t help Trayvon, did it?

Zano: Surprise, surprise you’re using the Rand Paul, nanny state defense (Talking Point Alert). Blame liberal laws for a botched arrest. Taxing harmful products is another debate. The choice of technique used during the arrest is the problem. It’s hard to even see how he resisted arrest from the video. He threw up his hands, he was tackled, and he died. The video is damning. I don’t need to know any more about this particular case. We were all there—just some of us wore filters over their eyes and the frontal lobe regions of their brains.

Pokey: My point remains, this promotes a ‘racist policeman’ narrative. Garner case aside, the reason I give you a hard time about Benghazi, Fort Hood, Trayvon and this “hands up, don’t shoot” narrative in Ferguson, is that each involves politically motivated false narratives pushed by the media and the White House. This is the worst kind of lie. In order to ease the tensions in Ferguson, President Obama could have been a leader and said, “The evidence shows that the police officer in Ferguson acted justly in his handling of this tragedy.” Or in the case of Trayvon Martin, “The evidence shows that there were no racial motives involved with this tragedy.” Those words would have gone a long way to defuse both situations. 

Zano: Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Was all those shots necessary? I don’t know. I don’t think Obama was at the scene either, and he is taking into consideration the cultural trauma when he speaks to black communities. He has a perspective on this that you and I simply don’t. But I guess he’s instantly the Mob organizer-in-Chief since he’s not driving a tank alongside Joe Arpio and routing out those Un-Muricans. I don’t see this grand conspiracy. Benghazi!!!!!!

Pokey: “Hands up, don’t shoot” is being used as a rallying cry for mobs of people to protest, riot, destroy businesses and threaten people. The objective evidence shows clearly that Michael Brown never raised his hands in the air in surrender. Of course, the “hands up, don’t shoot” theme is just fine because the “up” is relative to Michael Brown’s tallness, since his hands were “up” in relationship to a shorter person. And, while Michael Brown was sprinting toward the officer in rage, his defiant body language would best be interpreted to imply the phrase “don’t shoot,” even though the words “don’t shoot” did not come out of his lips. So when people gesture “hands up, don’t shoot”, they’re expressing an honest and accurate picture of what occurred to poor helpless Michael Brown on the day of his lynching.

Zano: Tongue and cheek, I get it, but you’re putting scenarios in my mouth. This is how many people viewed these events through their own ideological filters. I have maintained all along that I wasn’t there, but could predict a given interpretation based on political affiliation. That’s the problem, a problem you see only one side of. You can’t extrapolate that to my own views. I’ve agreed with you on this one, but I just added better jokes, which might have thrown you.

Pokey: The Grand Jury has presented their report, which appears to be thorough and objective. It shows strong evidence in support of the policeman’s perspective. I’m sure that President Obama has been made aware of the facts of this case.

Zano: Obama condemned the court’s decision in the Brown case, oh wait, he didn’t. Damn facts. Obama has said multiple times that if you break the law, you will be prosecuted. He’s called for calm. I guess that’s translated now by republicans as “Obama’s inciting violence.” This movement is being handled poorly, by the media, and I have been against such stuff since the Tawana Brawley days. Remember her? I’ve heard Obama’s speeches on this. He is nuanced and pluralistic at times, but he’s always careful. You extrapolate my views in the same way you extrapolate Obama’s misdeeds.

Did you hear about the torture report today? While Ferguson is a big deal from a cultural standpoint, this is a political firestorm.

Pokey: Oh, yeah perfect timing for the administration to distract us with the ‘torture report’ that tells us how over a decade ago U.S. agents simulated drowning and induced sleep deprivation. And just for the record, I see nothing wrong with releasing the detailed techniques of the torture, beheadings, rape, and forced indoctrination of Islamic extremist groups. Oh how libs love finding dirt on the U.S. military, the police, the Border Security Agents, the evil U.S. foreign policy, of course Israel’s violent occupation of Palestine, details of U.S.’s evil history of genocide, slavery, imperialism, but then lets ignores the actions of Islamic Jihadists, the drug cartel at the border, the anarchist and communist involvement in “Occupy Wall Street” and Ferguson protests, the strategies of Hamas, and the criminal attacks against police officers. I’ve heard a rumor that one time an aggressive black man did physically attack a white police officer.

Zano: The Torture Report is a distraction? Real stuff is such a distraction these days. It gets in the way of all the bullshit, doesn’t it? Liberals focus on cleaning up our own house first and rightly so. We torture and they torture…uh, but we shouldn’t. Plain and simple. Both sides slant, but only one side consistently lies. Oh, and let’s try comprehensive immigration reform and end the War on Drugs. Then you will solve this border problem. Granted, some things are ideologically driven on the left, but almost EVERYTHING is ideologically driven from the right. I think that’s my summary of today’s media. Is it possible MSNBC will sink further? Sadly, yes. The dip in MSNBC’s coverage has not gone unnoticed. See my last post, in fact, see our last debate. Oh, and our crazy liberal prez just wrote another blank check to Wall Street. So we do need to Occupy, and now.

Pokey: It’s not about sides and slants, it’s about people who are abusing power right now. Back to my point with the Benghazi wherein a “reprehensible video caused a spontaneous protest.” The people who pushed that purposely presented an unclear narrative. Similarly, the “hands up, don’t shoot” narrative was politically motivated and untrue. The people who called the Fort Hood attacks “workplace violence” knew as well…. and another thing, no members of the White House were sent to the funerals of victims of the Fort Hood. Members of the White House were sent to the funeral of Michael Brown.

Zano: Did Bush send members of the White House to the funeral of those he tortured to death? Sure propaganda has reached untenable levels and I agree liberals have their slant of events, but I remain focused on the biggest offenders. As it turns out in Benghazi, after catching the guy we know it was a little of both, the video and a planned attack. So the truth apparently has nothing do with a good false-false narrative. So the worst thing Obama did was start a false narrative that turned out to be true? They hang people for that, uh, back in the deep south.

Pokey: I was concerned with Obama’s Reverend Wright and Bill Ayer connections, and I was uneasy about him marketing himself as a spiritual savior and all of his clueless ‘true believers’ evangelizing his cause. Nevertheless, on inauguration day I felt proud to be an American. Two hundred years ago black people were enslaved in this nation with no hope of directing their future in any way; and now here we are with a black man elected President of the United States; and I did hope that he would truly lead us beyond race and political polarization so that people would truly be judged by the content of the character. But from the start, he exploited racial issues for his own political gain, oftentimes at the expense of truth and justice. President Obama and Eric Holder decided to give the New Black Panthers a pass after a video showed that they had deprived would-be white voters of their civil rights on Election Day. And then there is the ‘Al Sharpton’ business. Reverend Wright and Sharpton are blatant racists. “Oh, Barack Obama is different; he’s the post racial President.” But what’s the difference between Reverend Wright and Al Sharpton? More than anything else, President Obama will be judged by history for his failed opportunity to unite our nation.

Zano: Those two yahoos in Philadelphia again? Another perfect example of a singular/weird incident overshadowing a systemic attempt by republicans at voter suppression. Two verses two million votes, but who’s counting? Certainly not republicans. Math isn’t their core curriculum anymore. You’re always focusing on the lesser of two evils.

And, sure Obama didn’t vet his preacher, but McCain didn’t vet his VP candidate. I can avoid Reverend Wrong by avoiding church. Palin, meanwhile, could see the presidency from her house. And Obama ran as a uniter but the Minority Leader on the right, Bitch McConnell, made it his priority to obstruct from day one. Once atheism is more common, politicians won’t have to pretend to believe in God anymore. Problem solved.

Besides, this torture thing is happening right now. Check out this old Bush video here. Everything our former president said about enhanced interrogation techniques was a lie. This isn’t some nuanced slant or some grand conspiracy to bring down whitey. Our president tortured, then lied about it. I really think the stuff I identify ends up being epic and directly involves politicians and you are all too happy to entertain right-wing conspiracy theories.

Granted, there’s something to what you say about media coverage. Guilt by omission has become their M.O. and I also agree that sending al Sharpton to Ferguson was a mistake, but I don’t see this laundry list of missteps that you and your ilk are busy inventing. MSNBC’s coverage on all these subjects, at the end of the day, is still called journalism. The other side’s antics are simply not. Sorry, but torture trumps Obama’s fairly sensible handling of Ferguson.

Pokey: You’re changing the subject again, oh shock. Obama is not a stupid man. He chose his soldiers wisely, aka: “I can no more denounce Reverend Wright than I can denounce the black community.”

…well, until Reverend Wright said, “He ain’t no savior; he’s just another politician.” That day he became Reverend who? What happened in Fort Hood and Benghazi is what George Orwell described in 1984.

Zano: 1984 is an excellent album, except for Panama. I will not stand here idly and watch you bad mouth one of the greatest rock bands of all time!

Pokey: You don’t even like Van Halen.

Zano: I concede that point, but Orwellian? Geesh. You’re thinking of republicans. Libs are pointing out systemic problems while republicans are too busy creating them. The vast majority of liberals are trying to make this country better, not tear it apart. And I think when you have a cop not even indicted for strangling a guy on the street—for the lamest resisting arrest moment ever, or, a country that throws the Geneva conventions out the window—uh, I think this liberal slant may have a point. Liberals will continue to focus on racism, some historical mistakes, and some cultural trauma. It doesn’t make them un-American. These are real toxins that need to be hashed out, and I encourage peaceful protest of these systemic issues.

Pokey: This is about the priority to which stories and policies gain attention. Is there racism is this country? Of course, but hasn’t our nation made phenomenal progress in the area of race? Why is “American racism” the number one subject on our culture’s mind right now, when vowed enemies of our nation blatantly (and I’m not talkin’ accidental death during law enforcement confrontations; I’m talking premeditated, announced to the world, and with pride) murder and publically execute people on the basis of their race and religion right now as we speak?

Any concluding arguments will have to wait as I need to fly my Learjet to both the post office and the bank today. Sorry…well, not really.
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GOP Turns Focus of Benghazi Investigation to Giant Rock Near Spain

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GOP Turns Focus of Benghazi Investigation to Giant Rock Near Spain

Gibraltar, Rock of—Since all 265 previous Benghazi hearings found no evidence of wrongdoing, Darrell ISSL (R-CA), previously Darryl ISIS, is shifting focus of the investigation to what he is terming the post-Benghazi phase. The GOP is encouraging everyone to “buckle up” as this round of witch hunts are bound to be as obnoxiously wrong as the rest of the Benghazi hearings—not to mention the pre-Benghazi and the pre-post Benghazi lines of questioning. 

Issa told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, “Now that we have asked all those questions we knew were untrue and meaningless, in a sense we’ve gotten them completely out of the way. So this shit is about to get real…and by real I mean even more fecal in nature.”

The GOP is cheering the ongoing efforts of Issa on his quest for something relevant to come from the countless hours of investigative regurgitants. Issa said, “We will move this rock called Gibraltar and we find the evidence Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are hiding from the world. We will leave no stone unturned, uh, including the aforementioned Rock of Gibraltar.”

During a press conference earlier today, President Obama said, “Where there’s smoke there’s not necessarily a burning embassy, but in this case there was a burning embassy. I am about to throttle my teleprompter right now. Anyway, the fire is out. We stomped that shit out long ago. These hearings were a ruse. I allowed them to occur for one purpose, so I could focus my own efforts on burning down our borders, passing secret gun legislation, and installing death panels across our great nation. I could not have done this without the efforts of Darrell Issa and the rest of the not-ready-for-prime-time politicians known as republicans.”

The Daily Discord stands by the use of the word regurgitants in this context. “We’ve used a similar word before, and it just kind of came up out of my throat again,” said Mick Zano.
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Polarization Nation Watch

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Mick Zano

I want all eleven members of the Zano Nation to pull out your pens, your Microsoft Word programs, and your inhalant-ready-markers (IRMs). There’s going to be a test. We are now officially a divided country and for those coming late to the party, fear not, I already have a solution. Gin! But we must garnish this batch of fermented junipery goodness with the pimento-filled olives of Freedom! Shaken not slurred. Yes, the Discordian Zanofesto has arrived, just in time for Christmas.

First, let us delegate the appropriate blame for our divided country:

“Republicans have moved further away from the center than Democrats. The graph below shows a histogram of the House and Senate distributions in the current 113th Congress…There is a clear hump on the right that is comprised of mostly new members of Congress like Senators Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Rand Paul (R-KY).”

congressional Polarization Histogram
Quote and graph from Voteview blog.

The real reason republicans are to blame for our polarization involves the last three thousand news cycles. And, yes, the Congress that proved far lazier than any do-nothing-congress in history just won the midterms, seriously. This is the alternate universe in which we must all now reside. I admit the mainstream media is sliding down to Fox levels. I can’t even watch MSNBC anymore as they shift further ideologyward. They are a reaction to Fox News, but simply the wrong kind. I predicted, long ago, creating a Fox-left would be an abysmal failure. The likes of MSNBC doesn’t somehow vindicate the right, it just means the left is starting to catch up on the suck-o-meter.

Congressional Polarization

I’ve already posted this graph. It suggests republicans have been shifting further and further batshitward since the Rutherford B. Hayes Administration:

Historical Slogan Flashback (1887): a kettle in every kitchen.

Why this ongoing rightward drift? Where’s the positive reinforcement that tells people, “yeah we want more of that magic”? In part, it’s certainly the fear of becoming a browner nation, here, but that’s not the whole picture. Are there any graphable advantages to conservative policies?

“I’m not a graphamatician, but bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.”

—John Q. Republican

Republicans are good at taking trends that they’re responsible for, like the growing disparity of wealth, and flipping the script and re-designate the blame. “It got only worse under Obama!” Riiiight. The stimulus went mostly to the rich, but it did narrowly avoid utter disaster. And at least Dems try to create policies that address our nation’s problems. The GOP hides these problems under endless layers of crapola. Or sometimes conservatives simply focus on one element of our economy, taken out of context. It’s a sad but effective approach. I think I do understand their dilemma. I wouldn’t want to remember things accurately if I were them either, but, to be clear, this nation will not survive a republican resurgence. Hell, we may not survive under a Dem—as I’ve said all along, our entire financial system is on borrowed time post Bush. More Zano hyperbole?

economic Recovery

 “Much more than a series of descending lines can really convey. If it’s right, it means that the Great Recession has made us permanently poorer. That the economy will never get back to its pre-crisis trend. Instead, it will stay stuck in a “new normal” of slow growth that feels like a slump—forever.”

—Larry Summers

The new norm is something I have been talking about for over a decade. So a Cliff may well be the new Norm. Sorry, that’s a Cheers’ joke. The GOP will say they have the answers, but history says otherwise. I still maintain general elections will elude these whacko-doodles. In the end this extremism will ultimately hurt them, in fact, I’m counting on it.

“The more the party is rewarded for extremism, the more extremist the party will be. GOP primary voters didn’t nominate pragmatic centrists to run in Senate races this year; they nominated very conservative candidates who are arguably to the right of the median in the current Republican Senate conference.”

—Steve Benen

Any shift toward republican moderation in recent elections has been greatly exaggerated. There is a faction of our society becoming radicalized, here, and this is a trend that will likely continue in this polarized environment. Sure it hasn’t reached ethnic cleansing levels but liberals and conservatives prefer to associate with and live near their fellow partisans.

“They would be unhappy if their children married someone with a different political viewpoint. The result isn’t just polarized politics, but a divided society where liberals and conservatives increasingly keep apart.”

—Nate Cohn, NYT

There are some who still believe most people remain in some moderate middlesylvania:

“We can argue about the size of the political center in the United States since the answer depends on various ways of measuring it, but whichever measure one chooses, the conclusion is the same: the country as a whole is no more polarized than it was a generation ago.”

—Morris Fiorina

Two words, Morris, D-Nial. Sure there’s still a disenfranchised middle, but how long will that last? It’s time to choose sides, in fact, it’s long overdue. I am optimistic that eventually even republicans will not be able to successfully bend reality to their will. Their truth is already twisted into a pretzel that would make Plastic Man wince. Eventually society will demand to see the man behind the curtain, aka, Ted Cruz jerking off to Atlas Buggered.

I want to remind folks, I’m not against basic conservative causes and values. I grew up in a conservative household. I just want a healthy republican party that’s still linked to reality. We have nothing of the sort today, which is not good for our country. Andrew Sullivan championed this cause long ago with his book The Conservative Soul.  He gave up on this premise and is essentially a liberal now. It’s really hard to see where the GOP has helped. In many ways Reagan was a terrible president. He birthed a lot of the stuff that’s blowing up in our faces today, but, yes, I agree he was their best. Their best just sucks real bad.

Can republicans regain their ability to reason? Will things settle down? I gave up on that premise, long ago. If they could absorb things they would understand how voting against their own self-interests is just that.  They could point to a whole host of liberal policies that helped them at one time or another: from bankruptcy laws, to food stamps, to expanded healthcare, to protection for the mentally ill, to wage equality. But I maintain it’s very difficult to find a conservative policy that has ever helped anyone except the Mr. Burnses of the world. Their policies are all designed to keep the super-rich, super richier. I know that’s sounds like all-or-none thinking, but is there an example I’m missing? There must be one, right? Hit the contact button and let me know what I’ve missed.

Is every republican governor or legislator useless and dangerous? No. But their underlying ideology is disturbing and their next generation of candidates seem even less insightful. So I am creating a new Transcosmetic Party to counter the Dem supermajority to come, which is all part of my Zanofesto! Okay, I haven’t really written it yet, but I do have a good start:

Pee The Weople…

Fine, I’ll work on that.

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Republicans Accuse God of Being “Weak on Terror”

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Republicans Accuse God of being "Weak on Terror"

Rome, IT—Earlier today, his Holiness the Pope called for all Muslim spiritual leaders to condemn terrorism. Republican leaders from all over the heartland voiced their extreme displeasure with the Pope’s radical approach to extremism. They are calling it “un-American” and “ungodlike” and “unnatural.” Many in the GOP feel the Pope is acting a lot more like Barack Obama lately and a lot less like he should be, aka uneducated.

John Q. Republican said, “How do you account for these Biblical discrepancies? I mean these, not the ones in the actual Bible. Is the Pope mixing up his political messages with God or is God weak on terror? There has always been a close link between conservative thought and the smiting-shit parts of The Bible. Was it not Jesus who turned the tables on the money changers? He was the first Galilee Partier. Heh, heh, get it?”

The Pope responded to allegations by pointing out several quotes from the New Testament and several quotes from President Obama’s similar attempts to reach out to the moderate Muslim community leaders.

John Q. Republican was outraged, “I never made it passed the Old Testament, so I’m lost on this hippy juice shit. Honestly, I never even made it through the first part, you know when God said ‘let there be whites’…or something.”

AM radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, added, “The Pope is getting it all wrong. He’s asking for a global condemnation on all terrorist acts, which essentially calls for Muslims to condemn other Muslims. It makes no sense. He needs a global condemnation of Barack Hussein Obama and his policies. I have managed to repeat the dangerous stuff Obama’s doing on this show, over and over again. Isn’t the Pope listening to the stuff I spend hours making up? It’s a sad day when Christianity moves away from hatred. What next, you can’t get into heaven if you’re F-ing rich?”
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Dems Distance Themselves Further From Strengthening Economy

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Dems Distance Themselves Further from Strengthening Economy

Washington, DC—The last two quarters marked the strongest six months of economic growth in over a decade. The news could not have come at a worse time as Democrats are already struggling with a new wave of Obamacare enrollments as well as an unemployment rate plummeting below 6%.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Democratic Strategist Hilary Rosen. “Don’t you read the narrative?”

The President dodged questions today about the wave of positive economic indicators that continue to plague his administration and his policies. “Sure there is plenty of positive economic news, but I would rather talk about Ferguson, or ISIS or that salute I did with that coffee in my hand. Remember that?”

The press demanded answers. The President told reporters, “I would like to remind everyone that the president has little to do with soaring stock markets and falling gas prices. That could happen to anyone, and has…uh, just not to Republicans much. Sure we have the strongest recovery in the west, but what about the south, or the frozen north. What about Greenland, Antarctica, or that place where they filmed Arctic Blue? They could all be doing better for all we know.”

Senator Al Franken of SNL said, “Look, strong economic news cannot be totally laid at the feet of Democrats. The inaction of Republicans, who, I remind you, did absolutely nothing in the last six years, may have actually contributed to this successful period through a prophetic brand of tactical inaction. Although, at first glance, it’s tough to see how.”

Republicans continued to bludgeon the President on issues of increased oil production and historically low interest rates. Overwhelmed, Obama stormed out of the press conference, visibly shaken. A close aid to Obama admitted the President hopes that “by invading Bucharest for no reason and then gutting Medicare, he may yet save his legacy.”
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Cranky Crank’s Damage Repair

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Cranky Crank’s Damage Repair
The Crank

At this point in my life I have been instructed by my orthopedist that I will not fare as good as my Mom did with the arthritis. In my case, if nothing is done it will kill me, and sooner rather than later. The scoliosis in my lower back is bad but not terminal. My neck is another story. Over the years I have graduated from one big chin to many big chins. Of course I realized this is partly because of Pasta and Twinkies, but also because for some reason I was losing height in my neck area.

Remembering Mom’s issues, I thought it was time I had it looked at. Besides, now if I coughed my arms went straight out like they were electrified. If I looked up I would lose feeling in both arms and part of my chest and face. I also had almost constant debilitating headaches. Not good. I have already had two full knee replacements already in an attempt to head off the kind of debilitating arthritis my Mom had.

After having the obligatory MRI after warning them I already had two metal knees (I really didn’t want my knees ripped from my body) my wife and I returned to the doctor. It was a life changing visit. He brought the scan up on a big monitor and pointed to the area from vertebrae C-2 to C-7. The spinal cord canal had narrowed to the point it was closing off at midpoint C-4 and one good fall or abrupt movement could, and probably would, end in quadriplegia or death. While I have tons of respect for Professor Hawking, I didn’t want to fully emulate him. He said my working days were over, and warned me I had better not drive or even be a passenger in a car for even a minor accident could be disastrous. At 59 I was to go home and watch TV, have restless leg, and eat, for the rest of my life. Tripping over the cats was not an option at this point, an activity I normally participated in regularly.

I went through the whole thing: first inconsolable sadness. I had said to myself that unlike my Dad, I was going to enjoy my retirement, not die just before it. I then had lots of anger at my Mom for inflicting this on me. I would scream at her picture when I was alone. My brother, my sister and I now have so much metal in side of us that airplane travel is all but ruled out without someone from TSA calling out a swat team. I then remembered my Aunt Pauline, my uncle Tony, and all the rest of Mom’s lineage with all their arthritis based issues, and now it’s popping its little bastard head in some of my nieces and nephews.

I then got to a point that I started to look for a fix. Most doctors I read of on line said they were not comfortable with fusing six neck vertebrae and wouldn’t advise surgery. I did some more internet searches for a fix and came upon a name. A man who was the head of Orthopedics for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN had recently tired of cold and wet and moved to the Surface of the Sun. He was also ‘in my plan’!!

We saw him, and after he studied my MRI, he turned to my wife and I said the four words I wanted to hear: “I CAN help you”. He explained he had done many and instructed me on what I would be left with as far as movement (not very much). He also said my headaches would in all probability go away. He was going to remove permanently the backs of each vertebrae in something called a Laminectomy. Just the word gives me the frightened turtle. He would then wire the vertebrae together with 2 long steel posts and 12 large screws. (Hello, Home Depot?) He would even attempt to reshape the neck into something remotely resembling what it was “supposed to” look like. Mary and I had a conversation, and agreed to go ahead.

The surgery went great but the recovery, not so much. The doctor said that when he finally freed up the cord, it sprang out of my spine like a jack-in-the-box, spring. He had never seen one so compacted. After two days in the hospital, I was released. I was weak as a kitten and could barely move my arms. I had to be fed. Now I know exactly what being a Tyrannosaurus felt like. Big head, big mouth, big ass, tiny useless little flappy arms. More fun was finding out I was allergic to large amounts of opiate-based painkillers. Something the Discord crew used as a food group at company parties. I found out my own allergies while in a hospital bed with my wife and niece at my side.

You see, I started to hallucinate, bigtime. Look people, I lived through the fucking seventies and that was nothing. My dining room table became a picnic table filled with itinerant field workers from the turn of the century, in black and white. At the foot of my bed a flower arrangement in a vase became the head of a man poking through the floor, with headphones on, in front of some kind of equipment. He had 70s style aviator glasses and hairstyle. He was in full color. The obligatory women in white gown floated around by the front door. And all these people were staring at me, while talking amongst themselves.

Now, this frightened me, and more so my wife. When I pointed out the guy with the headphones, who she couldn’t see, I naturally accused her of being part of some vast conspiracy. She then figured it was time to call for an ambulance and had me re-admitted. I was put in another MRI to see if I had had a stroke. When I came out I was flipping out. Some story I had seen on TV became real and I was convinced I was integrally involved. The MRI became a helicopter I was being removed from and I was also convinced I was no longer in a hospital, but in some fake hospital set up in a warehouse somewhere a la Blacklist. Crawling under the bed to get the spiders was also helpful to the staff.  Yeah, fun times. I will at this point have to take the space to thank Mick Zano for his help with texting answers to questions we had while watching the doctors argue about my meds in the middle of the night. That really gave me the warm fuzzies. He may be politically incoherent, but in his forte he has my full respect.

It wasn’t all horrific, though. There were the ants. I saw very big, pink ants, coming out of the corners of the rooms. They were dressed in full 70s disco regalia with afros, leisure suits, aviator glasses and platform shoes. And they danced. It started as I stared into the corner of a room. I would first hear the beginning of the song Love Rollercoaster (Ohio Players 1975)  and then the ants would slowly appear along the ceiling, as if they were squeezing out from behind the wall. They would wave at me as they entered. Then they started to dance as they made their way around the room. I implore the readers to go to YouTube and hear this song

While you’re watching, picture what I was seeing. It was wonderful. I would stare at them for hours, they kept me sane while we all waited for the drugs to wear off. To this day from time to time I gaze up at the corners of the room, hoping maybe I would see them again. I really miss the pink dancing disco ants.

It all went better after that. I have very little up or down movement and only about 20 degrees side to side. More importantly I am headache free, except when I read Zano. And that’s easy, I just don’t read Zano. I have built my strength back up and retaught myself to drive with the help of big-assed mirrors. So it’s all good. I just have a block of concrete for a head, but that’s nothing new.

I had an amazing support group. My wife is a nurse, my niece and nephew helped a lot, and my stepson came out for a week to be of great assistance. I could not have done it without all of them.

Oh yea, and ….Thanks Mom.
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Interview With the Zanblogger

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Cokie McGrath

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow asked me to hunt down Mick Zano to conduct an important interview. The boss-man is based out of Philly and he wants to get to the bottom of some recent disturbing trends occurring here in the southwest. He’s worried about some of Zano’s cryptic emails, his strange business receipts, the lack of viable material and his increased bail requests. It begs the question, has Zano completely lost his mind after the midterms? So I agreed to track him down and get some answers, for a small fee.

CM: Thanks for meeting with me today, Mr. Zano.

MZ: We’re usually here on Tues—

CM: (Ahem…) Let’s start with current events. They’re saying Obama’s executive order on immigration is the biggest power grab ever.

MZ: It was a bold move but Bush and Reagan did similar solo immigration things. Socialists! Jonathon Chait summarizes things wonderfully, here.  lf you recall, these other changes occured minus the whole End of Freedom rhetoric. I didn’t support Obama’s decision to act alone, precisely because of the focus on executive orders, the Constitution, and all this imperial presidency stuff. Post Bush the president did gain some clear leeway to act unilaterally, on anything, but this needs to be reined in.

CM: So you’re a Tea Partier now?

MZ: Hardly. In fact, if more people like them try to defend the Constitution we might as well burn that shit right now. Although, I must admit to being conflicted. Lately I’m all too willing to support any move on Obama’s part that further weakens Republicans. They remain our biggest challenge.

CM: Even if it means violating the Constitution?

MZ: No, but I do get Marshall Law flashbacks. We do forgo some rights during times of great crisis and an argument can be made that the Republican Party’s current Scheissgeist constitutes such a crisis. Their unwillingness to do anything except bring down our president is disturbing. But I’m still going to resist any moves that further expand executive power. I fear if a Republican becomes president in the near future, whatever the hell we quilled on parchment back in the day will be moot. That’s my declaration of an independent.

CM: The border situation is a humanitarian crisis. Doesn’t that matter?

MZ: I am pro-immigration reform, but we just got our asses handed to us in the midterms. Hey, I have an idea, maybe more than four Hispanics should have voted last week. Besides this is a Band-Aid. We need real reform. I’m not happy about the prospect of ignoring this crisis either, but we need to win elections.

CM: So why didn’t Congress act on immigration?

MZ: That’s like saying, why didn’t they let the Discord-gang stay longer on trivia night.

CM: Trivia night didn’t end well.

MZ: Yeah, and they asked us to stay.

CM: They won’t do that again, but back to the lack of action in Congress.

MZ: I guess it’s because the family-first people want to tear families apart, uh, in the name of Jesus. Don’t ask me to get inside their heads. They’re batshit. Obama went to Boehner asking for a bill and he failed, yet again. But we still have a system of checks and balances in place, as infuriating as that might seem when Republicans are involved. We need to beat them at the ballot box, until then the misery will continue, in all directions as far as the eye can see. But wasn’t it Jesus who said blessed are the shit kickers?

CM: I always found your stuff entertaining, until this interview, but you did get the midterms wrong. The GOP is on the march and yet here you are still focusing your energy on their epitaph.

MZ: Longer term trends look bad for Republicans. They’re deeply divided—not on anything meaningful, mind you—but they’re just further fragmenting into ever more extreme versions of themselves. I think the Republicans will eventually become so batshit that even the not-fully-engaged average voter will be forced to take notice. Trust me on this one. I just worry it’s going to take too long. A growing societal insight may be wishful thinking on my part but the long term voter demographic trends alone will spell doom for the Republicans. They will spell it wrong of—

CM: You’ve done that one before.

MZ: Right.

CM: Let’s say I don’t agree with you on this one. The GOP isn’t going anywhere.

MZ: Well, those brainwashed aren’t, that’s for sure. But they won’t return to power, at least on a presidential level until some major reforms. The alternative is…well, that’s the stuff of nightmare.

CM: You remain a staunch supporter of the president and yet Obama remains deeply unpopular. How are you right and everyone else is wrong?

MZ: Therein hangs the tale.  But why do you think the Obama presidency is such a failure?

CM: Congress.

MZ: Okay, let’s pretend you never studied.  Why does your average citizen think Obama is such a failure?

CM: Obamacare?

MZ: That’s part of it and yet every element of the ACA is popular when polled separately. It’s surpassing all expectations for enrollments, it’s linked to decreasing overall healthcare costs, hospital administrators love it, pre-existing conditions, blah blah, blah, so why is Obama’s signature achievement suddenly the kiss of death panels?

CM: I’m supposed to ask the questions. 

MZ: Well, why else is he demonized?

CM: Fine. He’s had all these supposed scandals.

MZ: Let’s forget you said ‘supposed’ for a moment. This week we just concluded our 457th Benghazi hearing and learned nothing more than we already knew from day one, aka the place needed better security (committee’s lack of findings here). This won’t stop the witch hunts, nothing will. I guess all of the dozens of embassy attacks under Bush had sufficient security…right before they exploded. Feigned outrage, like Benghazi, has successfully painted a picture of both scandal and incompetence. Oh, and did I mention Republicans cut embassy security two years before Benghazi? When there’s a real problem, look to a Republican policy. I think a special Benghazi tax should be paid by all registered Republicans. You want to start being fiscally conservative? Why not start there? Let’s start tracking every time a Fox lie costs the tax payer money.

CM: I do remember you always saying this was a sham.

MZ: And now where are those Republican voices saying “we’re really sorry we led you on this two year journey of meaningless bullshit”? They are almost never right and yet they’re the ones who don’t bother with retractions. Hell, I do more than they do and I’m a spoof guy. I guess if you purge the bullshit from the GOP there’ll be nothing left. But let’s give them credit, their false reality had real consequences for seats. Ebola! ISIS! Amnesty! Fear!

CM: How could this incompetent bunch pull something like this off?

MZ: They’re well-funded and their using propaganda 101 to a tee. Fear motivates. There are also some educational problems in this country that they’re capitalizing on. Why it’s working is really the interesting part, at least from a psychological standpoint. On Obama’s inauguration day I predicted The GOP would try to create a Bush-Left.  That’s exactly what they’ve done. In the context of Obama’s arrival, which I always like to remind everyone involved a global economic collapse and two wars, why didn’t they try to help? The fact they had nothing better to do from day one than obstructionism makes them…um, for lack of a better term, assholes.

CM: You did kind of admit that Obama is as bad as Bush.

MZ: What? When? History won’t agree and yet somehow this is common “wisdom” today. But we forgot one, the economy. Everything is going fairly well right now but Republicans have this delusion that we could be doing much, much better.

CM: Okay, you’re going back to the demonization of Obama. So couldn’t we be doing much better?

MZ: Hell no. As our global economic system continues to split at the seams, I would love to hear some viable plans. Republicans are kind of forgetting how, post Bush, this world market of ours is continuing to flounder, as predicted—kind of like Iraq was lost the day we invaded, as predicted.

CM: Show off.

MZ: Bottom line is, many Americans sense our whole system is in trouble, and they’re right. They just aren’t very good at assigning blame. Republicans have capitalized on their mistakes. I don’t think our economy will ever be the same, post Bush, but since we’ve managed the strongest recovery in the West, Obama deserves some credit. All economic indicators improved drastically under Obama during a very difficult period.

CM: You always talk about the historical context.

MZ: Yes, this stuff is lost on Republicans. Most facts are.

CM: So you’re pessimistic?

MZ: Not necessarily, I have a lot of hope—not for super capitalism, or Republicanism, or our current culture, but for those people willing to embrace the next steps. There’s stuff we can still do to make a better future for future generations.

CM: Like what?

MZ: That’s a loaded question, but I don’t see how blind consumerism survives much longer. I would like to shift to sustainable energies and then to sustainable communities.  This is our moon shot, but we can’t even address this because half our country is not allowed to see the perils we face.

CM: Why do you think that is? Okay, I think I know.

MZ: You do, because Exxon and the Kochs and the like have successfully purchased the brains and votes of nearly half our country.

CM: Others would say you are blinded by the benefits of big government.

MZ: I disagree. I don’t go into anything, including the ACA, blindly. But it’s much harder to see where a Dem-created policy has hurt us in the 21st century, unless you’re lying. The creation of Homeland Security, the NSA, the CIA, these are rogue agencies and, whereas both parties are responsible. It’s hard to see how Dems are more to blame for them.

CM: Obama expanded NSA wiretapping.

MZ: Yes, because we voted for this shit. As it turns out, we’re not horribly bright. Obama’s only scandal is how he is covering for these rogue agencies as well as the last administration’s torture. This doesn’t really resonate in the Fox-lands because on some level even they understand their own culpability.

CM: So Benghazi.

MZ: Right, Republicans are not permitted to discuss real issues and they somehow seem fine with this new reality.

CM: So what are they missing? What are your concerns for 2015?

MZ: Trivia night, I don’t think we’ll ever be—

CM: It’s true, I talked to Sharon. We should skip that for a month or two. I’m talking about national concerns.

MZ: I guess one of my main points remains how Republicans aren’t even “permitted” to see the real problems of our time. They are snowed on an impressive level.

CM: And if it snows, then there’s no global warming?

MZ: Good one! Exactly, and let’s not forget overpopulation, limited resources, mass extinctions, Monsanto, the disparity of wealth, poor education; these are the real problems of our time. And all this is happening while The GOP attempts to dismantle the EPA and the FDA. It’s insane, and history will damn them for it.

CM: They would say radical Islam is the biggest issue. Doesn’t that make the list?

MZ: Sure it does. Liberals are a bit too blind in this area, but their leaders aren’t. Hillary is way to hawkish for my tastes and even Obama, try as he may, is being sucked into this chaos too.

CM: You didn’t support action on ISIS?

MZ: I did, but degrade from the air. Screw putting our folks in harm’s way. The Middle East needs to start giving a shit about its own messes and that won’t happen if we keep trying to contain their own crazies for them. Besides, we have our own crazies to deal with in this country.

CM: Republicans? But you’re not conflating Christianity with radical Islam, are you?

MZ: No, Christians are generally at the upper end of the fundamentalism spectrum but too many Muslims are at the low end and are very tribal. It’s a problem, for sure. The recent interview with Sam Harris and Ben Affleck on Bill Maher captures the essence of both party’s blind spots.

CM: The right thinks all Muslims are jihadists and liberals defend all Muslims to a fault.

MZ: Bingo! Maher couldn’t even read a poll about Muslim beliefs without a massive liberal backlash. On the other hand, I think everything Republicans have done to quell this jihad tide has made things much worse. Besides, some of these other problems I mentioned will get you long before some ISIS-type, well unless we go broke amidst another avoidable war (See: alternate universe McCain Administration).

CM: One last thing, I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned the Keystone Pipeline. Isn’t this an important issue?

MZ: Not really, like our crowd on trivia night, it’s a mixed bag. Republicans are lying about it being a job creator—sure it will create some temp work, but why not just get a job at Best Buy for Christmas? But Dems are ignoring the fact other modes of oil transportation are far more dangerous to the environment. This shit-oil, that probably should have stayed put, may now have to travel further on a tanker. Lovely. Ultimately we need that moon shot away from fossil fuels which the Keystone only exacerbates. Eventually questionable extractions of fossil fuels will be globally illegal, but we’re not there yet. This makes little sense to a Republican, which is your first clue it’s true.

CM: Republicans would say eventually the free market will get us to sustainable energies.

MZ: Yeah, that’s the same thing the Republicans on Mars once said. We don’t have the time to get every greedy asshole on board. In fact, they are actually actively fuzzing the subject so they can keep raping the planet. I remain amazed that some relatively smart people on the right are fooled by these tactics.

CM: Okay, I’m really here because Winslow wants to know what happened in Vegas last week. No material, yet he received, and I quote, “A slew of suspicious business receipts.”

MZ: Ahhhhh, I think you’re only really here, Cokie, because this is your favorite brewpub. Oh, and you can tell Winslow to—
You know I read this stuff before posting, right Zano?
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