Is Anyone Outside of Fox Surprised “The Pause” and “Climategate” Are Both Bullshit?

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Mick Zano

Is anyone else getting a little sick of the actions of rightwing climate denialists? I haven’t seen a group so doggedly wrong about something since whatever the hell was on Fox News yesterday. Sure you’re always wrong, but this is the issue you will be damned for. Mark my words, history will eventually take all those single quotes Matt Drudge keeps putting around the words ‘climate change’ and stuff them up his fat [bleep].

Remember last year when Republicans were harping on this “pause” in climate change? We had the hottest fifteen years on record, but it held pace for a time which was immediately translated by our friends on the right as “not happening.” Well, surprise surprise the ocean temps have started tracking upward again, here. Whatever the Earth was doing to compensate for global warming has failed so this “pause” is officially over. My 2013 comment on this phenomenon:

“I’m afraid this warming trend is likely to resume soon, but the GOP’s inability to process data will likely go on until the bitter end.”

—Mick Zano, wise ass and insufferable told-ya-so artist

See, I get to link back to my stuff, but it’s best to forget about what they said. They certainly have… Linking back to their thoughts—that way lies madness. Now the latest attacks from the right wing’s nonsense-machine are just as ridiculous. This next round of crapola is drifting toward us in the form of expanding sea ice.

“Ocean sea ice is growing when all models predicted a decrease!”

—John Q. Republican

This is actually true, which is a small victory in-and-of itself for conservatives. But sea ice ranges from a few inches to a few meters in thickness and can grow or disappear in a matter of days, weeks, or months. Glaciers, however, take thousands of years to either form or dissolve—that is, until the 21st century. So it’s just another false comparison, which is one of the bullshit-tools-of-choice for our conservative friends. We have an entire political party built on misinformation and this is just the latest example. Why can’t any of them get a handle on something over a mile thick?  …Yes, I’m talking about their skulls.

Compare Sea Ice to Glaciers

The below quote comes from a unique perspective. It’s courtesy of a climate scientist and evangelical Christian. No shit. When asked why people don’t want to believe in climate science, she said:

“It’s easier to deny the reality of the problem altogether than acknowledge that it is real but we don’t want to do anything about it because it’s against our politics. Not only that, but in the interests of presenting a fair balance, we are also being fed false information through the media. A recent study reviewing news coverage in 2013 showed that 30 percent of the climate change information on CNN contained misleading statements. That number increases to 72 percent on Fox News. So it’s hard for people to know what’s right and what’s wrong.”

—Katherine Hayhoe

Dr. Hayhoe doesn’t cite the 72% Fox falsehood claim anywhere, to which I call bullshit. The percentage is probably much higher. As part of her solution, she urges the scientific community to take the time to reach out to churches and help them understand science.

What?!

Your first statement says it all: 72% of what Fox News says on this—or any other subject—is bullshit, and almost all republicans believe Fox News is a legitimate news organization. So you think a scant 177,000 lectures at each of the estimated churches across our country will somehow quell Fox Noise? Really? Good luck with that noble endeavor, Sisyphus.

Wouldn’t it be more advantageous to convince people that Fox News is full of shit? This is my strategy and, whereas it too is a waste of time, it does have the benefit of the occasional midget porn joke.  What we really need to do is simple—never elect another republican president. At least not until their party returns to reality …and even then, probably not.

And remember Climategate? I would like to take the time to add this to the republican loss column as well. I am being warned about rehashing the republican’s full list of blunders as it would tax our new server’s capacity. Climategate only showed us one thing:  Sean Hannity should really consider getting his GED.  Now extrapolate that sentiment to the majority of his viewers. Evening classes are available. On a side note, could you imaging having Hannity in your GED class?

“What? Everyone knows Paul Revere was warning the British! Heck, Sarah Palin said that right on my show…Is it an ice age or global warming? When will scientists make up their minds?”

—Sean Hannity, Village Idiot

According to Republicans, the source of Climategate was this email wherein a scientist discussed “fixing the data.” The email is referred to as ‘Mike’s Nature trick…to hide the decline.’ But, as it turns out, this decline mentioned in the email had nothing to do with global temperatures.  

“That’s just incorrect, as you would have known if you were part of the community of scientists doing the research. The ‘decline’ being referred to wasn’t even about global temperatures at all, but rather, a decline in the growth of certain trees whose rings were being used to infer past temperatures.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

By the way, “fixing the data” refers to cleaning up the outliers and making the data presentable, but this  immediately became part of the Climategate mystique. Hey, how about a series of investigations? Benghazi! Better yet, how about someone on Fox News takes a statistics class.

“Climategate didn’t undermine the case for human-caused global warming at all. Rather, it demonstrated why it is so hard for ordinary citizens to understand what is going on inside the scientific community—much less to snipe and criticize it from the outside. They simply don’t grasp how researchers work on a day-to-day basis, or what kind of shared knowledge exists within the group.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

In the same Mother Jones article, Dr. Collins maintains that when a given scientist presents any data that suggests a warming trend is occurring, they are immediately labeled an “elitist”.  I realize this political pressure occurs in both directions, but such shenanigans are probably less prominent on the left and when it does happen it’s primarily driven by a fear that “we’re all going to die.” I’m not excusing this behavior, in fact, it’s gone a long way to validating republican’s otherwise ridiculous opinion on this matter.

So let’s put the future of mankind in the hands of non-experts whose current track record makes Lindsay Lohan seem like Bruce Jenner. Breakfast of Chumpions? Whereas the scientific community is trying to get to the truth of the matter, the GOP is forever trying to hide the truth. Fox News remains the bane of our existence and they are only getting better at their obfuscations. Okay, not really, but they’ve just come to the conclusion that no one on their side of the aisle even cares about the truth anymore. Oh, you have actual data? ELITIST!

Ultimately they will have a hard time explaining their position to future generations. Of course, they won’t notice this worldwide condemnation because of the riveting 229th Climategate hearing.  What did they do with the outliers and when did Obama know about them?

Last year, the U.N.’s panel on climate science raised the probability that human activity is contributing to climate change from 90% to 95%, here. That’s not to say science always gets everything right, in fact, Greenland’s glaciers are melting faster than predicted, here. 

So at this point of the game I gotta ask, are republicans really this wrong about everything or is this more about how much loot they can bank before the shit hits the giant wind farm that they refused to fund? Which is it? For the one percenters it’s probably the latter, but for the other 99% of the Fox Nation well, you’ve sold out your planet for the hope of one day being as rich and as shortsighted as your sociopathic CEO friends—which is even worse.

When we see Glacier National Park renamed Valley-Created-by-Glaciers National Park, and when we see the fabled Northwest Passage drop the “fabled” part, and when we can no longer have expeditions to the North Pole without wetsuits, uh, what aren’t you people getting? Oh, that’s right, anything.

“Science doesn’t know everything, but republicans don’t know anything.”

—Mick Zano

And, as for those one percenters, I hope those champagne ice sculptures were worth it. Hey, but on a good note ice sculptures may slightly increase land ice. I can’t wait for the related Baier Report segment on this one, or, as I like to call it, The Bayer Report.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP’s frontal lobes are toast, people. It’s that pervasive.
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What President John Q. Republican Would Do “from Day One” in 2016

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Mick Zano

I don’t think we have to worry about a republican president anytime soon, but let’s contemplate an elephant in the White House.  Let’s watch this scenario play out and see what he or she would do from day one. But let’s take this sneak peak from the relative safety of a nearby parallel dimension —preferably the far end of said parallel dimension.

First, let’s look at the riveting platform our new Commander in Chief, who would no doubt be using his “mandate” on steroids (mandate = losing the popular vote while squeaking out the Electoral College):

1. I will continue to stand behind the most tested and failed economic strategy on earth (Hint: it rhymes with Pickled Clown Economics).

2. I will run on creating a slew of committees to investigate a host of invented scandals (Hint: the most popular one sort of rhymes with Svengoolie).

3. I will run on an imaginary republican record, based entirely on a form of revisionist history that would make even Don Quixote wince (Hint: this is part of my “when the manure hits the windmill” theory).

From day one:

A republican president would start to revoke Obamacare and Medicaid expansion to the cheers of millions of the now uninsured masses. Kentuckians, many of whom are among our sickest and poorest, won’t really notice as they probably haven’t gotten too attached to their new doctors yet. NYT story here.

“Don’t think of it as losing more teeth, think of it as protection from roving death panels.”

—John Q. Republican

Then church bake sales would increase across the nation in an effort to compensate through a nationally unfunded: Don’t have Healthcare? Have a brownie Instead initiative. This would compel Michelle Obama to dash around the country trying to knock the tasty treat out of people’s hands.

[Heck of job, Brownie joke omitted by the editor]

Eventually the Affordable Care Act would be replaced with a Hannity America’s “Get a Life” Survival Kit, which comes with a free year’s subscription to The Weekly Standard. Should any condition become too painful, the gun included in Hannity’s We Don’t Care Package can be used to stop any dental or medical emergency, before it starts.

“From my old, bleeding gums!”

—Charlton Denture Heston

[Stand your ground under it law joke omitted by the editor]

The second term for John Q. will start with the creation of his initiative: Stand Your Ground From Six-Feet Under It.

From day one:

A republican president would initiate the War on Math by firing the current director of the Congressional Budget Office and then immediately spare no expense finding a qualified mathmafictionalist. You see, a person with the right math-deficient-personality-disorder (MDPD) must run the CBO, a person that has the ability to present the “right” kind of numbers each month. Of course, you might as well ask the CBO to find a unicorn, because conservative economic theories reside wholly in the fairy realms—wait, I’m being told they banished all fairies. FAGS DOOM NATIONS!

“Few economic theories have been as thoroughly tested in the real world as supply-side economics, and so notoriously failed.”

—Robert Reich

Reich’s take here.

[“Reich’s third joke” joke omitted by the editor]

From day one:

The anti-apology tour would begin in earnest. The president would dash from country to country in an effort to remind leaders how:

“We’re really not sorry for anything—that was just the black guy talking—and those U.N. rules and global standards are really for other countries—those not deemed number one and who act like number two.”

—John Q. Republican

Meetings with other world leaders would become surreal as other parts of the globe aren’t really privy to the whole Fox News alternate universe thing (FNAUT). This will likely come as a great surprise to President John Q., who doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t thank America, regardless of its actions, or recent policies, or inability to adhere to international law. In response, our new president would start saber rattling at all of the petty dictators all around the globe, from Putin to Borat.

For Phase Two they would initiate Operation: Enduring Erection by proceeding to blow the shit out of lots of stuff, fairly randomly at first, until some annoyed factions initiate a coordinated response, thus forming actual targets. All this military action would occur while taxes magically go down. It’s a secret strategy republicans like to call, Fuck the Global Economy. Soon, the Defense Secretary would be fired and then so would his replacement, as these unnecessary wars just “don’t seem to be accomplishing the desired results.”

“I had to start these wars without congressional approval as Post-Obama the world no longer takes America seriously. For proof, see related Breitbart.com link, here.”

—John Q. Republican

This will all go over very well and make the world safer for Democracy…at least in a hundred years or so when radiation levels subside.

From day one:

John Q. would put tremendous pressures on the Mayor of New York City to jack rents so high that the United Nations would be forced to move to New Jersey, where Chris Christie could then close all the bridges, forever trapping the entire building in East Orange, all during Operation: Bolton Lightening.

From day one:

The president will cosign all techniques utilized by our police and military, even the parts that strangle unarmed people in the streets—especially those. They will then continue to strip anyone deemed wrong of their rights and will then strip them of their clothing.

“Then we will commence with the torturing for Jesus.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Habeas corpus? That’s Latin, which is all Greek to me.

The police state will jump back into gear as every sneeze from across the pond will be translated as an imminent threat. Then, the most incarceration happy country in the world will open even more private prisons to house all the different-looking-folks (DLFs) because:

“The incarcerated market works! Uh, for those few left outside.”

—John Q. Republican

President John Q. would then further expand NSA and the CIA while pulling back any and all oversight. All in the name of Freedom!

All in the name of Freedom

From day one:

The president would initiate a slew of Real Benghazi investigations—you know, now that we’ve gotten all that preliminary nonsensical stuff out of the way. This round our republican friend would start asking the right questions about those who died tragically on the real 9/11 because Obama hates America.

From day one:

Our republican president would fix the educational system. No Child Left Behind would then be expanded to rocks and other inanimate objects so we can all wait for Johnny and his pet rock to overcome his fetal meth addiction. (Actually I blame liberals for this one too). I say we gut our educational system like a fish and start from scratch.

“Once the new republican budget is passed, children from sea to shining sea will have the choice to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, or be beaten with them. Oh, and I’m being told the shining sea part is due to rising mercury levels.”

—John Q. Republican, Education Czar

So what’s the worst that could happen with a republican president in 2016? Best case scenario, another global economic collapse and the worst case scenario, WWIII. None of our savvy Foxeteers really remember how the Bush Administration came very close to coordinating with Israel to bomb Iranian nuclear facilities. Hell, the lessons from the last news cycle seem beyond them. Oh, wait, those are called talking points and they do seem to remember all of those.

President John Q. Republican would likely be even more delusional than our last president, as that’s the current GOP trend.  Armed with a fixed belief that America can do no wrong and how, despite not winning any wars since WWII, we can’t possibly lose any. And how gutting all taxes will somehow spur growth, or as I like to call it “a depression.” Frankly, I think avoiding the next collapse will be difficult enough for a Dem. In short, a republican president operating from a delusional ideology will be a complete fiasco. You can bank on that—wait, I’m being told those will collapse too.
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Obama Flip Flops on The Interview Decision

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Obama Flip Flops on The Interview Decision

Washington, D.C.—President Barack Obama changed his mind today on Sony’s decision to air The Interview in theaters across America. Upon watching the Rogen/Franco production, Obama announced, “I think Sony initially had it right and I am denouncing this movie in the strongest possible terms.”

Republicans immediately accused the President of flip-flopping and of being “weak on humor”. John Q. Republican said, “This is a slippery slope. What about Chaplin’s Great Dictator or Borat’s not-so-great one? What about Sausage Party? If they all go, then you can say goodbye to Zoolander, and I refuse to let that happen, not while I am an American Senator who ran on family values and equality while banging most of the help.”

Obama promptly responded to critics, “After watching this turkey of a film, I threw up a little in my mouth, and then I called Kim Jong Un and personally apologized for America’s actions, certain South Park episodes, that internet thing, as well as for most of reality television.”

When asked about Mick Zano’s proposal, urging Rogen to “add at least ten more jokes”, Obama remained nonplussed. “Ten more jokes or ten thousand, the acid reflux would be the same. Heck, that turkey I just pardoned on Thanksgiving has nothing on this thing. Look, humor can incite violence.  Crime spiked in Fargo after the movie Fargo and Ambien sales rose dramatically in Washington state after the premiere of Sleepless in Seattle. Furthermore, Raising Arizona only encouraged kidnapping in the Grand Canyon State and it’s not Always Sunny in Philadelphia, in fact, it rains there a lot. It also rains a lot in Seattle.  Coincidence? I don’t know. My teleprompter crapped out two minutes ago, so I’m just making shit up.”

Republicans question whether the teleprompter “crapped out” sometime in 2010.
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Al Gore Stokes Anti Heat Miser Rhetoric

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Al Gore Stokes anti Heat Miser Rhetoric

The Frozen North—Al Gore is at it again. Our favorite former Vice President is back in the news today after taking on the Heat Miser head on. Gore claims the Heat Miser’s little heat demons are working overtime to warm parts of the Arctic and Antarctic. “The Miser’s in clear violation of basic Labor & Industry Standards and his actions are undeniably contributing to global warming,” said Gore.

The Heat Miser is refusing to release important HR files and replied to the request by sending a series of fire balls hurling toward Al Gore’s mansion.  “Nice try,” said Gore, “but most of your energy was captured by my impressive array of solar panels. It will keep me in cognac hot totties for months!”

Republicans, meanwhile, are accusing the Snow Miser of employing undocumented marionettes, some originally from Canada. John Q. Republican told the press today, “Gore attacked the Heat Miser, an act of war, without Congressional approval. He’s the hothead, the Miser is just doing his job. If Al Gore is going to start an unprovoked war, maybe he should turn over that Nobel Pizza thingie. Besides, ‘warming’ is a hoax. There’s still ice in my freezer, in fact, I have been forced to defrost it at periodical intervals. I think the Earth is a lot like my freezer, sometimes shit just needs to thaw so we can find cool glacier stuff floating around, or in the case of my freezer, fish sticks.”

Al Gore plans to respond to the barrage of fireballs that rained down on him with a scathing documentary of the Heat Miser’s questionable business practices.  “I understand the Heat Miser’s plight,” said Gore, “Sometimes I still want to see Florida underwater too, but not this way…not this way.”
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Why Don’t Folks Like the ACA? It’s Bullshit, Stupid

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Mick Zano

Someone recently asked me, “Why do you have such a visceral response toward people who simply have a different view than yours?” I responded, “Visceral response?” and then proceeded to throw up on her shoes. It’s not the views, it’s not even the disturbingly low levels of consciousness involved, it’s how fear and propaganda are being used in a coordinated way to warp reality itself. There’s no better example than the Affordable Care Act, which is known to conservatives as Obama’s End of Freedom Initiative.

I admit I initially had my own concerns about another large beauoracracy as well as the constitutionality of the individual mandate. In a new spirit of bi-partisanship Waldman has a novel solution:

“What if Republicans agree to pass a technical fix to address what it essentially a typo in the ACA, one that threatens to take insurance from millions of middle-class Americans, and in exchange, Democrats agree to repeal the ACA’s employer mandate? Everybody would win.”

—Paul Waldman

So the Dems get forgiveness on an obvious typo within the law itself and republicans would remove their most hated feature. They really hate the individual mandate. Personal responsibility is suddenly very unpopular with the personal responsibility party. Makes sense. Pokey McDooris and I both had reservations since the beginning about this part of the gig, but how much lost revenue are we talking about if we ax the mandate? Waldman says it varies widely from $46 billion over ten years (The Urban Institute) to $149 billion (The Rand Corporation).

I don’t think we need to worry too much about how to keep the ACA viable minus the mandate, after all, this is fantasy. Republicans aren’t going to compromise, lest we forget they’re batshit. They want to rip the Affordable Care Act up by its roots, even though it’s working fine and people generally approve of all of its individual components.

Republicans are all-or-none thinkers, minus any actual thinking. For them, Obamacare remains the end of freedom because Fox said so. Congress has always had the chance to fix the law and they have been encouraged to do so, but this is no longer a functional party—a point I may have mentioned before.

Meanwhile, the law is exceeding expectations on every indicator. The Urban Institute just found how the number of uninsured have dropped by an astounding 30 percent. The law has lowered the overall cost of healthcare significantly, here, and hospital errors are way down, here.

And:

“Obamacare is based on an old Republican plan, developed by the Heritage Foundation and first tried by Mitt Romney, whose central feature was market competition. This dynamic has worked better than expected.”

Who knew the Heritage Foundation could be right about something? All four of these indicators as well as the quote were snagged from a Chait article over at The Daily Intelligencer, here. All of this good news is prompting some to ask, Obamacare: great law or greatest law?

It’s worth noting how astoundingly wrong republicans were on this topic. Okay, no it’s isn’t (See: any issue in the 21st century). So the “deeply flawed” Affordable Care Act is exceeding all expectations in all areas. Amidst the botched rollout of 2013, the law’s darkest hour, here’s a certain spoof news guy’s take:

“My reasons for going out on a limb again (predicting the ACA will eventually work):

1. The GOP thinks Obamacare is doomed, but their uncanny ability to always get things wrong should not be underestimated.

2. None of these larger social programs were ever rolled out smoothly, but they tend to get fixed, at least historically speaking.

3. Frankly, it has to work. There’s too much riding on it. I would not use the word frankly otherwise. Frankly, I hate that word.”

—Mick Zano

Pokey McDooris recently admonished me for giving Obama a free a pass, especially on Obama’s “you can keep your plan” comment, but this is what I said at the time:

“When Obama said people could keep their existing policies…umm, there’s no defense for that statement. He lied. I can’t defend the indefensible. That’s a Foxeteer’s job.”

—Mick Zano, Obama defender

And this was one of my jokes about the botched rollout:

Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?

This somehow equates to a free pass. But despite the ACA’s long list of successes, why do so many people still despise the thing? It’s bullshit, stupid. A Stanford Study suggests those who understand the law better like it better. Imagine that. Knowing stuff apparently matters.

“Democrats understood the most and liked the law the most, independents less, and Republicans understood still less and liked the law the least. However, attitudes were not just tribal. Within each party, the more accurate your knowledge of the law, the more you liked it.”

—A bunch of Stanford people

On a related note: the more you know, the less likely you’re a republican. Let’s face it, republicans don’t know dick.

[Cheney joke omitted by the editor]

In a recent breakdown of the truthiness in the media, Fox News rated the worst, here, with an astounding 50% of their comments rating as false or mostly false.  This same author commented on a Fairleigh Dickenson survey that suggests Fox News viewers have less knowledge of this planet than people living in caves:

“How do Fox News viewers know less than people who literally don’t know anything about current events? If you would allow me to hazard a guess, it could be because unlike people who didn’t bother to watch any news programs, Fox viewers thought they were watching informational content – instead they were being lied to under a carefully constructed veneer of responsible journalism.”

—Jameson Parker

I call bullshit! “A carefully constructed veneer of responsible journalism?” Have you watched Fox News, sir? Yes, a number of studies are suggesting Fox will shave off IQ points, but that’s not news…in fact, neither are they. Yet the Fox Effect has convinced a ton of people—many who actually like the ACA—that they really don’t. This is how each individual component of the ACA polls very highly and yet half the country still rails against the overall law. Strong work.

The problem is not just that conservatives watch opinion-based programming in the guise of news, it’s that they are always on the wrong side of any given issue. It’s uncanny. Is anyone counting how many things they get wrong? Oh, right, I am.

1. Invading Iraq was a good idea. No it wasn’t.

2. We don’t torture.  Yes we do.

3. The stimulus didn’t work. Yes it did.

4. Trickledown economics works. Actually, nowhere on Earth (throughout history).

5. Obamacare will end the world. No, and it’s exceeding all expectations.

6. Climate change isn’t happening. Yes, it is, and man is influencing it (or 0 for 2).

7. Obama botched Syria. All WMDs handed over by Assad (no deaths)

8. Putin’s Crimean move was a good one. No it wasn’t (see: Russian collapse of 2015).

9. Obama has a series of major scandals. Zero, actually.

10. Obama is the worst president in history. Uh, you’re thinking of Bush.

11. Sanjaya won American Idol in 2007. No he didn’t.

Okay, to be fair, I got one of these wrong, but I STILL BELIEVE SANJAYA!

I predicted everything on that list (screw the linking today). Most of these are closed cases, yet Republicans will still argue many of these points. Someone once said, “What does it say about a movement whose brightest ‘stars’ are the dimmest bulbs?”  This is key. Your important movement just can’t seem to find the right person to articulate your views, huh? Republicana is just lacking that champion who can turn every issue over to the win column, eh? What exactly is in your win column anyway? When I ask this question I never seem to get an actual answer. This list of atrocities doesn’t start here, it starts with republicans being against the revolution and their keen insights continue when they voted against Medicare, Social Security, women’s suffrage, civil rights, abolition, etc, etc and so forth. It’s an astounding record, one worth breaking over one’s knee.

With the economy finally firing on all cylinders and the ACA kicking some ass and then healing said ass, it’s no wonder so many Dems are now jobless. Makes sense…well, if you are forced to live in this alternate universe with the rest of the Foxlodytes.
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Rogen and Franco Sent to N. Korea to Explain “Misunderstanding”

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Rogen and Franco Sent to N. Korea to Explain "Misunderstanding"

Ryongsong, KP—The Sony debacle involving the latest Rogen production and North Korea, The Interview, has left many scratching their heads. Upon further consideration, Sony is now deciding to play the film as not to cave to terroristic threats. In light of the news, President Obama has resolved to send Seth Rogen and James Franco to North Korea to apologize and to explain the situation to Kim Jong Un, personally.

When it was pointed out how sending the two comedians parallels the plot line of the actual movie, President Obama said, “I never noticed that. But, no, this is a friendly trip. These are comedians, not assassins. We want to start talks with North Korea and, remember, the word “ass” is in “ambassador” and the word “dip” is in “diplomacy”. So we’re just sending a couple of ass dips on a diplomatic mission. Hey, it’s no worse than my latest pick for Ambassador to Hungary.”

Obama continued, “The leader of North Korea needs to know this is a just low-brow comedy. The Un-ster needs to Un-sterstand—God I’m going to kill my teleprompter again—anyway, Kim Jong Un needs to realize that parody is the greatest form of flattery and who better to explain this to the Supreme Leader than Seth and James themselves?”

When the President was asked about his recent statement, “We will respond proportionally in the time and place of our choosing,” Obama said, “Yeah, responding in a good way, like sending a Christmas card or something.”

Rogen and Franco are downplaying their series of meetings with CIA operatives as well as former Vice President Dick Cheney himself. Rogen explained, “The CIA was just telling us the dos and don’ts while visiting with his supremeness, like I shouldn’t smoke pot in his presence. But if I do, I definitely shouldn’t blow the smoke in his face. Stuff like that.”

When asked about their meeting with Dick Cheney, James Franco said, “That was just to get us used to visiting with a truly evil person. He didn’t give us any advice about how to shake the hand of the Kim Jong Un. The CIA explained that…no, wait, they didn’t! Mulligan!”
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Final Thoughts on Ferguson, Torture, and Beyond

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Mick Zano

If you missed the first part of the deboc…er, the debate, check it out here.

Here are my closing arguments on the Ferguson phenomenon, as well as the media’s constant ideologically-driven themes. I agreed with Pokey’s assessment of Al Sharpton and I condemned MSNBC for its recent ideological spike on the Fox shit-o-meter. But not all wrongdoing across our nation can, nor should be pinned on our president. We also disagree on the basic premise of which political party will lead to our demise. To me, Benghazi and Ferguson are still feeble attempts by conservatives to pin the fail on the donkey.

I listened to many of Obama’s reactions to allegations of police brutality and his speeches have struck the right chord between police and black communities, who are not exactly feeling the love right now.

“I think most of the people protesting out there are doing it peacefully and most cops are just out there doing their jobs.”

—Barack Obama, mob inciter

…IMPEACH!

You claim to be a truth seeker, Pokey, yet you back a political party so denial-driven they couldn’t identify reality if it wrestled them to the ground in a chokehold. We live in a white privilege world, which has consequences for those subjected to trauma—cultural, socioeconomic, racial, or otherwise. Does that mean we should ignore the details of any case? I’ve never condoned that, thus your inability to find any real examples in my posts. And whereas I agree with you in some of your assessments of the media’s handling of these incidents, you continually ignore the massive failures on the right. Sorry, Fox News drew first flub. I’m not giving MSNBC a free pass, in fact, I’ve turned it off.

When those oppressed try to reach for some justice, it may not always be pretty, or precise. See: Woodstock. But sometimes we must embrace the naked, muddy hippies of freedom! You continue to conflate my views with that of Al Sharpton’s. Initially, I stayed out of Ferguson and trusted in the system, until the Cleveland and the Garner videos surfaced. If the black community got the Michael Brown premise wrong—which I’ve always felt—it changes nothing when the default of our system remains:

Guilty or Not Guilty  =  The Police Officer is Exonerated

The system is failing to protect its citizens. How many police officers get indicted for such wrong doing? That’s the issue. Meanwhile, your criticism of Obama in this matter is overinflated. When Obama said, “He (Trayvon Martin) could have been my son,” our president was a expressing a genuine human emotion, in real time (before the facts were even in).

“Showing feelings of an almost human nature. This will not do.”

—Pink Floyd

Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall!!

Meanwhile, Republicans forever wax nostalgic for a world tilted clearly in their favor. They are hopeless romantics, who harken back to the ‘50s so they can beat their wives and their children and command so many servants that Mexican landscapers are superfluous.

We have made progress on race and inequality, but there’s much more to be done. Cultural or incident-specific-trauma has a real impact on the brain’s development as well as a given individual’s economic opportunities. Those traumatized, societal or individual, don’t always recall the facts perfectly—just as Jackie over at U of V can attest. This may not be the prettiest of movements, but one day it will yield justice.

Wanna hear a crazy conspiracy theory that actually makes sense?

“Bush’s answer to our educational failings was No Child Left Behind, which was all part of a plan to make us all so ill-informed we would one day elect his brother.”

—Mick Zano

Now that’s a valid conspiracy theory, at least comparatively. Shit isn’t fair and, within the growing disparity of super capitalism, even those in the middle class are finding fewer doors to prosperity. This is all part of the Republican’s plan to shift all of our country’s assets into the hands of a few well-deserving white folks (WDWF).

The juxtaposition:

On the VERY DAY of our email exchange we find out the CIA brutality tortured and lied about it and you harp on this—and on the wrong side of this. You even defend the CIA Torture Report as a “distraction.” I chose no sides on this rash of police incidents until the Garner video surfaced and, yet, in light of this you still deny any systemic issues?  The only charges pressed in Garner’s death was the guy holding the camera. If that doesn’t piss you off, I don’t know what—oh, who am I kidding, BENGHAZI!! Speaking of distractions.

As for torture, many on the right (present debater excluded), don’t even understand why “drowning the towel heads” is an issue. Just as more folks on the right support “torturing for Jesus.” Yes, condoning such abuses is on the upswing, here. This moral decay on the right is the issue, not the left’s rally cry for equality. Torture is a trend even more disturbing when one considers 26 of those (some American citizens) were detained wrongly and yet we gained no actionable intelligence. Cheney keeps mentioning this L.A. threat as his only defense, which is another lie, here. This is not nuance, this is HUGE. But, again, sorry for that shop window Obama is partially responsible for in Ferguson. And a thousand pardons for that court testimony of Michael Brown’s friend, who had direct coaching from the Obama Administration, per the IRS’s missing emails smuggled over the border during Fast & Furious ….BENGHAZI!!!

I guess if you can’t find anything, dig deeper. Where there’s no smoke, there’s an embassy fire. When Bush stepped down and said history would likely equate him to Truman, I thought, what an astoundingly delusional statement. Similarly I know history will not judge Obama as harshly as you and your friend’s on the right would like, because hatred toward our president is primarily ideologically driven.  When I see a guy who both avoided WWIII and saved the global economy during the onset of his tenor, I can still muster some scant gratitude.

Some of your points are valid—trivial and sad—but valid. Sorry, but not everyone who acts poorly in the face of inequality can be linked to Obama. Cheney will walk for his secret prisons, his torture, and his lying us into war but please indict that person who testified for Michael Brown as she was not, “Tell’n dat twooth to whitey.” It wasn’t Buckwheat, it was Spanky in the Observatory with Officer Mustard gas, aka cop a Clue, Alfalfa.

We officially live in two realities. Both sides paint two different pictures of any given event, issue, or policy. We are polarized, perhaps beyond repair. I predominantly blame Republicans for this reality and I assign this blame based on something I like to call facts. Obama isn’t fomenting this; he’s shown tremendous restraint in the face of ignorance. Liberal paintings, at least for the moment, still borrow some aspects from realism, while Republicans primarily draw their inspiration directly from some avant-garde, sniffing glue branch of surrealism.

Racial injustice needs to be addressed, I just encourage black communities and leaders to pick the right battles and the right champion for their cause—which is the heart of your argument. If you want to see real spin, turn on Fox News. There you will see how truth is being beaten, each and every news cycle, into submission. You have found a couple of narratives you don’t fully endorse while I maintain the entirety of Republicana is a farce.

More juxtaposition:

As Pokey paints this picture of a president intentionally seeding racial tensions—to which there is little proof—today my Senators in Arizona said, “We don’t need any more clean water. You want clean water buy a Brita” (paraphrased). Senator John McCain (R) and Senator Jeff Flake (R), TODAY, voted against the Clean Water Act, saying,

“There’s no peer-reviewed research to support this unwanted piece of government over-regulation.”

—Jeff Flake (R)

By none, of course, he means there’s over a thousand peer-reviewed studies (per NPR). That is an example of a lie, and a potentially consequential one at that.  We are destroying our water supplies and our planet. Climate change is real and is impacted by man. Republicans are lying about this and get a free pass, but God forbid liberals address racial inequality in an imperfect manner. But Obama should fix that window in Ferguson. I could self-harm with those pointy shards.

These types of lies go on every day on the right and—the Torture Report and this clean water thingie are happening right now. The connection to these and Republican legislation is direct and damning, not hazy and conspiratorial. Obama’s atrocities are, for the most part, hyperbole and delusion wrapped in propaganda, per those IRS emails we never saw during that Benghazi testimony.

Even more juxtaposition:

Let’s revisit McDooris’s main beefs with Obama over his six year tenor, which he believes will eventually encroach on our freedoms:

Obamacare:

Pokey: “You can keep your doctor.”

Zano: Admittedly, this was Obama’s worst blunder to date, yet it still rang true for an estimated 96% of Americans, most of which we never tortured. Of course, the argument now is Obamacare a good law or a great one, here. Yea, accomplishing everything it set out to do is tragic.

Immigration Reform

Pokey: “It’s just for the hardworking immigrants who have been here for five years.”

 Zano:  …which it is (See: Law).

Clean Coal:

Pokey: “We’ll just regulate coal.”

Zano: True! Get honest, Obama! Coal needs to go NOW! Stop placating these bastards!

The 2nd Amendment

Pokey: “It will start as sensible background checks.”

Zano: Our 2nd Amendment rights will always exist in America, perhaps to a fault (See: Obama’s lack of balls in this area). Meanwhile, 90% of those polled agree with the idea of sensible background checks, but thankfully this is an aristocracy.

This is Pokey’s list of Obama’s worst deeds and yet the CIA Torture Report was released this week. As I attempted to review Bush’s actual atrocities during this rebuttal, Mr. Winslow warned me about the lack of available server space. Ultimately this torture logic is the best example. So the shit I was shouting about in pubs and coffee shops with you over a decade ago turned out to be true and, likewise, the radical decent of one of our political parties will also eventually be common knowledge. Yes, the blame will land on Republicans—where it belongs. As for the “common knowledge” you are endorsing: it may be common, but knowledge has nothing to do with it.

I shouted for investigations from the beginning on torture and we find out yesterday it was widespread, egregious, and yielded no actionable intelligence. Yet you got every investigatory committee you wanted for Christmas on Benghazi and…I want my friggin’ money back!

“Some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right and when I say Republican driven, I’m thinking Captain Ahab with ‘roid rage.”

—Mick Zano

When all is said done, Bush should hang and, sadly, when the next Republican president is elected we will look back to that asshole fondly. That is a prediction you can bank on. Oh, wait I’m being told those will collapse. Everything else you’re harping about seems to pale in comparison to the real issues of our time. We both agree on the danger of the expansion of executive power but there will always be these quantum executive power leaps under Republicans—well, if history is any judge. And, as violent crime stats plummet, we decided to turn our police stations into paramilitary operations, after the fact. This has only increased instances of police brutality and racial tension. Al Sharpton may not be the solution, but either is Ted Cruz. Maybe the whole system is to blame, but the origins of most wrongdoing always seem Republican in nature. They end up trashing the law that allows the abuse to occur in the first place. Then, on a rare occasion when a Dem tries to create a law to fix an existing abuse, Congress won’t even vote on it!

If you continue to drink the Republican Kool-Aid, you will always find yourself barking up the wrong scandal. Sorry, but our Republicans’ place in history is already reserved. Hint of the Day:

“History will forever place a crescent moon on the door of that shit-shack called The Grand Old Party.”

—Mick Zano

Sorry, I did not mean to offend. Please edit out Christmas and replace with Festivus. Thank you.
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Zano Hacks Rogen!

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Zano Hacks Rogen!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mick Zano of The Daily Discord.com has hacked into Seth Rogen’s personal email. He is now threatening to release sensitive personal information unless Rogen adds at least ten funny jokes to his movie, The Interview, or he will “not even watch it on Netflix.” To show he means business, Zano stated he has firm evidence from the acquired emails that Rogen “smokes pot while working.”

Mr. Zano’s list of demands are as follows:

Seriously, Seth, I have enough information on you to write an autobiography but, upon reading all of your emails, I don’t want to. Here are my demands, in no particular order:

1. You need to read the script I sent you entitled Search Truth Quest: Schlock Ness Monster.

2. You need to accept the above manuscript instead of another #$%^ing rejection letter!

3. Make the fuzzed-out part over your groin larger in your recent Naked and Afraid episode.

4. I want one interview for TheDailyDiscord.com. Skype is fine, but you can’t phone this one in Seth! Not this time!

5. I want some of that pot.

6. I would have more demands but I’m already smoking pot.

P.S. This doesn’t work, Seth! It’s not funny! Oh, and chips. I want some chips…your choice.

Respectfully Blogged,

Mick Zano

Oh, and I know what you and Franco did last summer and what you did at the Christmas party. Feel naked and afraid, Rogen, naked and afraid.
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Final Thoughts on the Culture War Zano Debate

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Pokey McDooris

If you missed the first part of the deboc…er, the debate, check it out here.

When all is said and done, history will suggest how the Fort Hood tragedy was the result of a reprehensible video pertaining to workplace violence. The real tragedy is how our general population has succumbed to this disingenuous narrating of events that so easily sacrifices truth and integrity for the whims of political ideology. The peaceful protestors in Ferguson and throughout this nation don’t show any concern for what actually occurred. Their leaders haven’t given them any role models or much incentive to even care. It’s like Mr. Winslow’s Christmas gifts.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Islamic State and the American Communist Party were funding the Ferguson protests. There are forces in this nation and abroad who gain political leverage by keeping Americans divided on the basis of race, sex, class, citizenship, and sexual orientation, and these enemies of our nation push those issues to the forefront so that we won’t focus on the real racism in the world, the real oppression of women in the world, real state-induced poverty, and the real persecution of gays.

Yes, I believe in Truth, something actually occurred in Ferguson and I believe with some effort and honesty we can get to the bottom of many of these incidents. Some people say that a white racist cop shot and murdered a defenseless black boy who surrendered with his hands in the air. When reading through the Grand Jury transcripts, the truth becomes apparent. But there are people who don’t care about the truth; they simply wish to use the Ferguson tragedy to promote their political ideology, so they orchestrate a narrative that involves powerful racist white people killing poor defenseless black boys.

Eyewitness Piaget Crenshaw said, after it was publically confirmed that Brown was inside the police car, “Well, from my point of view, I could not tell exactly what was goin’ on, but it just looked as if, um, he was tryna’ to pull ‘im into the car.”

Or:

“It just looked like he was tryna’ do such a, you know, um Brown bein’ a bigger folk, he, that didn’t seem to have been workin’ (sob) so he got away and it just seemed to have upset the officer.”

From my point of view, I can tell that Piaget is, well, tryna’ to lie to the Grand Jury and deserves, um, jail time.

It all comes back to our religion debate, Zano. If there is no such thing as absolute truth, what does it really mean to lie? The above eyewitness is presenting a testimony that encourages much needed attention to the plight of black people in this country, so her “inconsistencies with reality” should be commended for advancing progressive policies.

Other witnesses acknowledged changing their stories to fit published details about the autopsy (see Zano’s critique of the individual mandate and executive directed immigration reform) or witnesses who admitted that they did not see the shooting at all (see vanishing IRS emails).

Many witnesses to the shooting of Michael Brown made statements inconsistent with other statements. Let’s put that in what Zano likes to call the “historical context”:

Obama’s “sacred union between one man and one woman,” which often conflict with the physical evidence “you can keep your health care plan.”  Some accounts were completely refuted by the physical evidence.

“I take the constitution very seriously but the biggest problems we’re facing right now have to do with George Bush trying to bring more and more power to the executive branch and not go through Congress at all.”

Then, the most reliable witness turned out to be the “white racist killer cop.” The cop who lost his job at the threat of an orchestrated mob.

Here are my predictions:

1) President Obama will further expand his executive power beyond its constitutional limits, including the bypassing of Congress to establish “reasonable” gun regulations, and there will be increased vocal and visible protests against such expansion.

2) There will be increased visible and vocal protests against: racism (stop the police brutality), sexism (equal pay for women), classism (raise the minimum wage), and citizenism (amnesty for illegals).

3) The Obama administration, with the help of major media sources, will create a narrative that shows one group as freedom-and-fairness-loving patriots speaking their mind against an imperialistic tyranny; and the Obama administration will create a narrative that shows the other group as racist/sexist/homophobic/gun-crazed terrorists spewing hate-speech.

4) This little culture war will begin looking more-and-more like a civil war that will threaten to tear the very fabric of this nation apart.

5) Mick Zano will blame it all on George Bush.

Yes, I do blame the President, and you Zano, for promoting an attitude that sacrifices truth and integrity for ideological advancement. That’s what all these witnesses share in common. The movement that you have aligned yourself with has justified doing and saying anything to promote the means of progressive policies of single payer universal healthcare, gay marriage, amnesty to illegal immigrants, climate change regulations, gun control or whatever whim awaits the future (mandated surgically implanted Access Cards with medical records.)

It all starts the same, as small little lies:

“You can keep your doctor.”

“It’s just for the hardworking undocumented immigrants who have been here for five years”

“We’ll just regulate coal.”

“Sensible background checks.”

But you don’t even deny it anymore, once your side gets its foot inside Pandora’s Box, you keep pryin’ that box open like a roofied Cosby playboy model, until there’s only one payer, all gayers, No habla Ingles sayers, total business regulators, bow and arrow Hunger Gamers, and Access Implant indoctrinators. 

“Look out kid, you’re gonna get hit, by losers, cheaters, six-time users, hang around the theaters. Girl by the whirlpool, lookin’ for a new fool, don’t follow leaders and watch the parkin’ meters.”

—Bob Dylan
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Big Government Is Bad but Big Government Torture Is Glug, Glug, Great!

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Big Government is Bad but Big Government Torture is Glug, Glug, Great!

The Heartland—According to a recent poll, Dick Cheney and the rest of our not-ready-for-prime-time citizens now condone torture. Cheney defended his use of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying he would “do it again in a minute.” This turned out to be another lie as new allegations suggest he has never actually stopped. “As it turns out, they never did revoke my retinal scan access over on Black Pod 3,” explained Cheney.

Senator John Q. Republican told the press today, “As my record will attest, I do not trust the government, but I would allow them the discretion to pick me or anyone else up off the street, without due process, and send me to a secret prison indefinitely, with no trial, to be subjected to walling, sleep deprivation, waterboarding and rectal feeding, because I’m an American, damn it…but affordable health care for all? Are you kidding me? Those are death panels.”

When confronted with the fact that 25% of those incarcerated during the War on Terror were detained wrongly, Cheney said, “If there was even a one percent chance we could stop a terrorist attack I would stick a rectal feeding tube in the ass of every American. It never gets old, really. Besides, don’t you read polls, son? The majority of those polled are okay with me sticking them the pole. Get it? It’s a play on words, son. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

The rest of the interview was later pulled and Warner Brothers is now suing the former Vice President for what they are calling, “The raunchiest and most perverse Foghorn Leghorn impersonation ever.”

Jesus of Nazareth told reporters today, “Blessed are the torturers. I’m glad Americans are finally taking a stand and doing the whole eye-for-an-eye thing, which is such a key lesson from the New Testa…shit.”

Jesus later recanted his statement claiming, “Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s from the Old Testashit.”
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