My Shitty Kids

by  • 

Tony Ballz

Raising children is tough. It’s a pretty thankless job. Do my kids ever thank me for all the stuff I’ve done for them over the years? Heck no. I mean, I change their diapers, buy them food and clothes, lose hours of sleep while they cry all night, help them with their stupid school projects … it’s wasted YEARS of my life. But I’m not bitter.

The other day, my daughter Dorinda made a peanut butter sandwich for her brother Elmo and, good gravy, you would have thought Cuban revolutionaries had been through my kitchen. I mean, she didn’t put the lid back on the jar, she left the knife dirty, there was a big old smudge on the table … it was crazy. I said: “Hey Che Guevara, the next time your troops want a snack, tell ’em to wipe their boots off when they’re done!” I thought it was kind of clever, but they just ignored me. What a couple of spoiled little twerps.

My children’s names are Dorinda and Elmo. Ain’t that a hoot? Oh sure, my husband and I could have chosen something nice for our daughter like Jessica or Katherine, or something cool for our son like Clark or Steven, but that’s boring. We went through those baby name books until we found the ones that made us laugh the hardest. They’re definitely the only Dorinda and Elmo in their school. Probably in the whole state! Dorinda and Elmo. That just cracks me up. I’m a good mother.

My children are lucky. They really are. I bet they don’t know ANYONE that has a mother who writes a column describing every single embarrassing detail of their childhood, especially the ones that tick me off, and publishes it in a free weekly newspaper for all their classmates (and everyone in town) to read! And I use their REAL NAMES too! Why they aren’t the most popular kids in school, I’ll never know.

One time I was snooping around that pig trough my son calls his bedroom and under his mattress I found the Sears ads from the Sunday paper with the photos of ladies in their underwear, all carefully folded up. That night, when he was studying with the pretty little blonde-haired girl from down the block, I yelled: “Hey Willie Wanker! Why don’t you tell your girlfriend how much you enjoy reading the SUNDAY PAPER? Especially the SEARS ADS!” He turned seven shades of red and looked like he wanted to die. It was so cute! My husband and I laughed and laughed. I could scarcely wait to write about it.

Last month, Dorinda started her period. She tried to hide it from me, but nothing my kids do escapes mother’s all-seeing eye. She used up almost half a roll of toilet paper! I said: “Hey, Bleeding Betty! Now that you’re a woman, why don’t you get a job in the alley behind the pool hall so you can help pay for some of this?” I thought it was hysterical, but she just locked the door to her room and started crying. What a pampered little bitch.

Our family doctor and several members of the PTA have told me that giving my kids strange names and parading their childhood mishaps in a public forum such as my column may be damaging to their mental health and make them outcasts among their peers. And that using my idiot offspring as fodder for my mediocre writing smacks of self-absorption. I say: So what? What the hell do they know? I was never popular in school and my mother was a relentless harridan whom I despise to this day … and look at me! I turned out OK.

Next week: the funny stains on Elmo’s bed sheets and Dorinda’s poopy undies! Bye-bye!
Share

The AM Radio Circus: Fire-Breathing Clowns Juggling Elephant Poo

by  • 

Mick Zano

I do occasionally get trapped somewhere in the southwest without adequate music, or company, or radio stations. I have therefore occasionally dabbled in the AM radio arts. For about an hour between Phoenix and Casa Grande I was double-teamed by Rush Limbaugh and Dennis Prager. I was really shocked by their level of revisionist history. I have no expectations for Republicans, particularly of the AM-radio variety, so how did they manage slip below my nil expectations? Just schmucky, I guess.

I usually don’t pick on this ilk, because they’re no better than the comment section at Breitbart.com. Dennis Prager is the real motivation behind my article, but first a bullshit moment from Rush Limbaugh.  Rush spent most of our time together talking about how Obama created ISIS through a combination of hating America and a liberal-funded Syrian food stamp program. But what I really enjoyed was his financial piece. Staples is apparently cutting employee hours and blaming Obamacare. Rush railed on the President for this line: “These places that make billions of dollars should not be using the Affordable Care Act as an excuse to cut basic healthcare for their employees.”

Limbaugh perseverated on the word billions like a stuttering Carl Sagan. “Billions! All the companies Obama is talking about make billions of dollars?! He thinks everyone’s a billionaire!” He then explains how poor little Staples actually only makes a couple of bucks for each hundred sold in office supplies. He painted the picture of a company taxed to death and forced to sell their wares on the corner with cardboard signs stolen from UPS. Actually, some of it seemed to make sense.

Or so I thought.

Rush used Yahoo Finance to recount Staples’ horrible plight. I realized as his minions returned with the red meat that he started dancing around his original “billions and billions” attack. His whole premise was how Staples, a small mom & pop office supply store, was being raped by socialistic vultures.  How could Obama be so out-of-touch to think all of these places make billions of dollars? But, after reading the page of stats handed to him, Rush never said another word about Staples actual earnings. As it turns out, Staples profits in 2014 hit 6.22 billon, which can be construed by the liberal elite as billion(s), if you remember to carry the one and the other 5.22 BILLION! Leave off the last S for ashole. Okay that doesn’t make sense, but neither does any of Rush’s arguments, is my point.

Onward to dis Parage guy:

AM radio host, Dennis Prager, gave a truly sickening speech on 2/12/2015 for all those across America whose CD player and FM band were somehow disabled. This is the first time in my life I switched off Rush Limbaugh and things actually got worse.  Here’s the Prager speech, in all its inglory (totally paraphrased):

“I don’t often say this, but I have such a strong personal reaction to those who supported our withdrawal from Iraq. If you supported the decision to withdraw troops from Iraq you have to own the fact that you created ISIS and that you created this problem. You need to own the consequences of your decisions. If you cannot reach this conclusion, you do not have the same moral compass as I do.”

—Dennis Prager

During his diatribe, I think I burned through a twenty mile stretch fog line with an incessant stream of vomit. That poor lizard. Mr. Parage then touted the success of “The Surge” and the stability of Iraq when Bush left office as examples of how he’s not just some guy sniffing glue all day at a radio station. Actually, that’s Tony Ballz.

Really, Tony, you need to stop doing that.
Really, Tony, you need to stop doing that.

See? We never should have cut funding for our No AM Radio Host Left Behind program. Please insert your moral compass into your brain, sir, which at the moment appears to be located [censored]. So you kind of skipped a couple of points from something I like to call history. Let’s get you up to speed, shall we? Speaking of speed, a lobotomized person amidst a meth-induced psychosis would make more sense.

A brief review:

  1. You obviously supported the invasion of Iraq, which created this vacuum of power in the first place.
  2. The Bush Administration disbanded the Iraqi Army, many of whom have since become the generals for ISIS.
  3. Obama was following Bush’s own withdrawal time lines from the 2008 Status of Iraqi Forces Agreement.
  4. At one time or another the U.S. armed and trained many of these assholes. Oh, and we are being shot at by them with some of our own weapons.
  5. The Iraq War did nothing to quell radicals, unless making more is somehow less.
  6. You don’t even remotely understand Obama’s approach to the Middle East, which includes pressuring more involvement from regional players and tamping down radical recruitment. My take here.

So it’s my fault that I didn’t see this imaginary connection between Saddam Hussein and 9/11? So it’s my fault for agreeing with Colin Powell’s ‘pottery barn’ analogy? It’s my fault for protesting this war from the onset? It’s my fault for predicting sectarian violence would resume as soon as our troops left, be it 2014 or 2040? While I call that insight, I think you should be inpatient. I’ll have the five, two and two readied (Haldol, Ativan, and Cogentin). In fact, let’s make it a ten, two and two.

“Just a little pin prick. They’ll be no more Aaahahhh ahh! But you may feel a little sick.”

—Pink Floyd

I don’t have Dem-mentia, Mr. Prager, but you certainly suffer from Roger Ailezheimers. Oh, but you’re right about one thing. Let’s talk about the motivation behind The Surge. (I want to take a moment to apologize beforehand to all the brave men and women who fought in Iraq, family included.) I have never voiced my opinion on this blog, quite this strongly, because I’m sensitive to those who fought and died.

‘The Surge’ did do what it was designed to do. You are right about that. It was a human shield that allowed George W. Bush to slither out of office with his remaining dignity. I hope that was worth it, you $*&%ing  #^*er Fucker!

(Can you go back and censor that one, Winslow? I think I missed it.)

So essentially if you blame everyone who wanted to leave Iraq …well, who the hell wanted to stay indefinitely? Let’s see:

  1. The Bush Administration and the Obama Administration wanted troops out of Iraq by 2015.
  2. The Iraqi Parliament demanded a full withdrawal, which was supported by the Iraqi people.
  3. Almost every Dem in the U.S. wanted to withdraw troops. In fact, Gallup showed 3 in 4 Americans supporting the withdrawal our troops in 2011.

So you’re disappointed with a lot of people, Mr. Disparage. In fact, by your own limited understanding of math and war there’s only one person who you shouldn’t be mad at.

John McCain

Why don’t you two get a room? It might make Lindsey Graham a little jealous, but I’m sure bombing the shit out of something randomly will put a smile back on all your faces. In fact, you sound insightful enough to be Senator McCain’s next vice presidential running mate. Winning!

Share

Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’

by  • 

Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’

Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, “You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words.”

When asked, “Why?” the Governor explained, “I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches.”

When asked if there would be any associated fines or consequences for saying the words C****** C****, the Governor said, “Look, if you have to use those words together, like some liberal teacher gives a homework assignment, firstly, I would report that. But, in the interest of a grade for a particular class, at least use quotes around the words. This implies it’s bullshit. I am not planning fines or jail time for anyone who mentions these forbidden terms, but no options are off the table. We want folks to just exercise common sense, while avoiding said common sense.”

Currently the Department of Environmental Protection is planning to follow this mandate, but some former DEP workers are speaking out. “As a climatologist, I like to say those words together to explain large weather patterns and changing systems.”

Governor Scott said, “See? You did that without mentioning those words. Strong work! Some think I’m way off base but, hell, so is my base. Besides, if we lose the expected 30% of our beaches in the coming decades there will no longer be enough sand for republicans to bury their heads in. Not on my watch.”
Share

Music Is Still Free!

by  • 

Tony Ballz

Anyone remember how CDs are indestructible? How about the scene in Back to the Future 2 where Marty’s in an alley and there’s the huge stacks of old CDs waiting to be junked? Anyone remember portable turntables? Not the kiddie close-n-play kind, the name-brand ones that cost $200. Listen to your LPs in the car! On the beach! Take ’em to the office! (“Did you bring ‘Master of Reality’? Biiitchin’, crank it.”) Absurd, right?

Anyone remember those 8-track players shaped like a big apple? Or the TNT detonator ones with the handle you could push down on? KABOOM! Anyone remember Quad? I don’t, but my stepdad’s 1975 Fisher Quadrophonic receiver is one of the finest pieces of stereo equipment I’ve ever seen and yes, it still works. That thing freakin’ rocks, it weighs like 35 pounds.

Anyone remember how DAT was going to be the greatest development ever and then it just sort of disappeared?

A while back, I wrote a semi-satirical article on the joys of downloading and the invisible ethics of the music industry, which the fine semi-subversive website you are now eyeballing saw fit to print. Since then, I’ve received some feedback on the subject from sources as diverse as: fellow high school music nerds I haven’t seen in over 20 years (“…why do you want to rip off Rush? Those guys are cool!”), vague acquaintances drunkenly slinging a viselike arm around my shoulders at various downtown drinking establishments, as well as random obscenities hollered on the street by total strangers. So, I’ve decided to follow up on several points, as well as touch upon some peripheral subjects, in a fun Q & A format. Whee. Here goes:

Q: Isn’t file-sharing just like theft? Don’t you WANT to give Rush money to show your gratitude for the awesome music they make?

A: 70-80% of what I download is music I already own or have owned, either in LP, cassette, or CD form. I bought all of Rush’s albums years ago, and several again on CD. That music’s been paid for, some of it twice. How many times does the record industry want me to cough up more dollars for stuff I have already? (Answer: How many new formats can they think up?)

Q: Don’t bands benefit from signing with major labels due to promotion, distribution, etc.?

A: It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want your band/self to be a household name, recognizable to Main Street U.S.A. like John Mayer or Vanilla Ice, majors are probably the way to go, if you can play the game. They will deposit your music in Wal-Marts from Idaho to Nebraska (once all your filthy potty-mouth language and heretical ideas have been neutralized) and get your ugly mug on Jimmy Kimmel’s show as well. Some indie labels can do this stuff too, just not as often.

Maybe you can even play on one of those MTV spring break shows (do they still exist?) in front of a giant Coors banner. Remember at the end of the day, all the promo posters, free CDs, record release parties, crazy Vegas coke binges with expensive hookers, new gear and automobiles, manufacturing and shipping costs etc. is being charged to YOU. It all comes out of your sales, thanks to the magic little word “recoupable”. The label just fronts you the cash, they expect to get repaid for all this junk. And if the record stiffs, guess where the money comes from? That’s right, your ass.

Q: Your comment about record labels taking a cut of bands’ touring profits, is that for real?

A: Yes. Back in the day, labels were only concerned with record sales, any money made on tour was gravy for the bands. It usually wasn’t much, but a new industry sprung up surrounding the manufacture and sale of t-shirts, posters, bumper stickers, etc. with bands’ logos and/or faces on them. For the most part, this was money the labels couldn’t touch, since none of the products infringed upon the actual copyrighted music contained on the albums.

This is how a band like Wilco, within five years of their existence, could be pulling down a million dollars a year on tour while their records weren’t selling jack diddley and you never heard them on the radio. They built their fan base through live shows and word of mouth. Problem was, the band was making all the money, not their label, and they were soon dropped.

With the advent of downloading, record sales fell sharply and the music industry started sniffing around for other ways to make a profit off of those it had under contract. In the last five years, the tour percentage clause has become standard in most deals struck with new acts, who accept it as another stepping stone to stardom.

One article I read centered on the group Paramore, a young nondescript band with a female singer, who would still be playing nightclubs and campuses for peanuts, had it not been for the major label push. Paramore was one of the first acts signed with the new clause in place, and the band couldn’t be happier. Right now, they’re too stoked over hearing their songs on the radio and seeing themselves on TV to worry about money they aren’t making. Till the hits dry up, of course. Then it’s too late.

Q: Doesn’t downloading sound the death knell for record stores?

A: Yes and no. The big chain stores have market analysts who spotted the trend years ago and advised them to pull out before they started losing too much money. Even I was shocked when Tower Records closed its doors. I never shopped there, but I kind of thought it was one of those places that would always be around, like McDonald’s.

So, having the big boys out of the way is beneficial for independent mom-and-pop stores, who are free to mark up their stock as high as they want, now that most of their competition is gone. And people still like to go shopping, that hasn’t changed.

Oddly enough, digitizing music has caused a resurgence in popularity of the format it was meant to replace, the 12″ long-playing disc. You can download thousands upon thousands of CDs, both legal and non-, but you can’t download a record album, you need the actual artifact, and this requires buying it from somewhere.

Raising the sticker price of LPs above that of CDs was a masterstroke. Whatever corporate toady thought up that one deserves a fat raise. He’s got vision. The industry is happy you’re still buying what they’re selling. They don’t care what shape it comes in, as long as they can keep jacking the price up every five years or so.

Q: You still listen to cassettes? What’s the point in that?

A: Why not, I’ve got HUNDREDS of ’em! They still sound fine, and I’m not going to get rid of them just because a bunch of fat cats decided it was a dead format. I have a suspicion that the very public “Death of the LP” malarkey from 20 years ago was a smokescreen for what the industry really wanted killed: recordable cassette tapes. Small, portable, decent sound, you can fit close to two hours on ’em … and if they break, there’s a pretty simple mechanism inside that’s easy to fix. How the hell do you fix a CD? Answer: You don’t. You just throw it away and buy another. And another. And another.

Keep in mind why CDs were forced into being the industry standard over LPs: at that point in time, YOU COULDN’T DUPLICATE THEM. You had to understand digital encoding, and the only manufacturing plants were in Germany and Japan. Nowadays it takes less than a minute to make a perfect digital copy of a compact disc, and the music business sees this as lost revenue.

But the problem has gone beyond that: more and more consumers are storing their fave jams on hard drives and portable MP3 players. The music itself is just data, it’s invisible. There’s no longer any need for a delivery agent, a thing you can hold in your hand like a CD or tape that costs money.

The industry’s PRODUCT has been eliminated; it’s a marketer’s worst nightmare. They’re trying to sell you something intangible, something only your ears can pick up. Sure, they still want you to pay for music through iTunes and such, but why bother when you can go to any number of websites (or a friend) and get it for free?

You can bet that right now, someone somewhere is trying to figure out a way to charge you every time you LISTEN to a song they own, whether or not you’ve legally paid for it. The next time your neighbors or roommates complain about the volume of your stereo, tell ’em you’re saving them hundreds of dollars.

The entertainment industry has traditionally dragged its feet and tried to block any technological developments that have been beneficial to consumers, usually by virtue of affordability. Cassettes. DAT. Burnable CDs. I-Pods (Read up on the VHS vs. BETA wars for more tales of the customer getting screwed). All they have to do is lay on the guilt by calling it theft and people will roll over. I’m an American, I don’t steal. I do what my daddy did: pay for everything through the nose.

They have famous mouthpieces like Metallica’s Lars Ulrich or Gene Simmons of KISS, who said in a recent interview that anyone who downloads music should go to jail because he needs that money to take care of his wife and kids. Never mind the fact that his wife spends $40,000 to have her hair and nails done and his kids get Hummers for birthday presents. And they have their own TV show.

The music business dug its own grave. If they had just kept prices low … but no, they’ve been at it too long, no one’s about to take a salary cut even if this ship is sinking faster than the Titanic. All that shameless greed is finally catching up with them. They’ve never been a friend to the consumer and we don’t care if they lose their cushy jobs.

Ha ha. Kiss my lily-white ass, you fuckwads. This aint 1979, but twenty bucks is still a lot of money for some of us.
Share

A Couple of Quick Points

by  • 

Pierce Winslow

I hate to get sucked into these debate things between Zano and McDooris, but there are a couple of things that need to be said.

First:

Pseudo-quote the Constitution: “The constitutionality of any given issue is to be determined by the Supreme Court of the US.” Given that, and that said Supreme Court ruled that the Healthcare Mandate is constitutional, it is constitutional. Debate over. If you expect the hospitals to fix your sorry ass after an accident, regardless of your ability to pay (your right to Life), you have an obligation to help fund that. Just because your rights include being so irresponsible as to not cover your own ass (your right to Liberty), that doesn’t not give you the right to have me to pay for saving said ass, like it or not. The mandate ensures my right to have reasonable healthcare costs despite your irresponsibility (my right to Happiness).

Second:

ISIS is about as Muslim as the KKK is Christian. The argument has been made that since the Koran contains talk of Jihad, and all Muslims must believe in the Koran, that any Muslim not blowing up a mall is not really a Muslim. Lettuce examine the Bible. Here is a list of offenses from the Bible that carry the death penalty:

Murder
Adultery
Bestiality
Rape
Sodomy
Picking up sticks on the Sabbath
A betrothed woman who does not cry out while being raped
A woman who is found not to have been a virgin on the night of her wedding
Worshiping other gods
Witchcraft
Taking the Lord’s name in vain or cursing his name
Cursing a parent
Kidnapping

Of course, in typical Republican fashion you can buy your way out of any of those except pre-meditated murder, but I digress… So, anyone not whipping out the stoning squad for saying “God Damn it!” or building a campfire on Saturday isn’t really a Christian. Then I guess we should have a lot of vacant fancy buildings around town, huh? Islam has evolved as has Christianity. Yes, there are those that live still live in the Bronze Age on both sides. There are also those that site those ancient, now anecdotal excerpts as rallying cries to incite radicalism, but they are the vast minority. To suggest that we as a nation need to launch a military campaign through the Middle East based upon that is medieval thinking; very crusade-like you might say (and historically a disaster). I prefer the age of enlightenment myself. Except for that part where if my brother croaks then I have to bang his wife (another death penalty thing). That rocks.

So, Zano and McDooris, I have resolved your arguments. Enough already. Can we get on with the discussions of midget porn and squirrel water skiing? Jesus Christ…oh, Mohammed…Apollo?
Share

Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages

by  • 

Mick Zano

Calling them radicals won’t help, Pokey. Sure they’re a dangerously brainwashed, apocalyptic death-cult but why anger them or, worse, draw more zealots to their banner? They could still win the presidency in 2016. Oh… who did you think I was talking about? Suffice to say, Obama is insisting on a sensible narrative to address this brewing clash of civilizations. I realize republicana banned ‘sensible’ long ago, but thankfully Obama is not taking his working orders from our own fundamentalists. Charge of the Right Brigade? Foxward Christian Soldier? The Ted Cruzades? I’m being told to stop.

[Winslow: These two need to just get a room. The original post for this…uh, debate here.]

A Slate article by William Saletan points out how Obama is focusing on defeating Islamic terrorism, which can be summarized as: Rule #1: don’t feed into their bullshit:

“If extremists are peddling the notion that Western countries are hostile to Muslims, then we need to show that we welcome people of all faiths. We need to reject the terrorist narrative that the West and Islam are in conflict.”

Identifying bullshit narratives is not a republican strong suit. Hint of the Day: Republicans should reeeally consider getting a strong suit. If our Christian conservatives ever do figure out how to identify a false narrative they would no longer have a political party.  Sad face.

“That’s why Obama doesn’t use the word Muslim to describe the attacks in Paris or Copenhagen. He’s depriving the enemy of rhetorical fuel.”

—William Saletan

The Huffington Post follows up with an article with a quote from the deputy chief of the LAPD’s Counterterrorism, here: “The president was exactly right in this issue of the terminology.” Framing this conflict in terms that benefit radical recruitment efforts is madness. Speaking of madness, here’s the republican approach:

1. Saber rattle in true chicken hawk fashion

2. Invade the wrong country

3. Grossly mishandle the occupation

4. Get your friends all the rebuilding contracts

5. Sell more arms to all the resulting splinter groups you’ve now created

6. Use inflammatory ‘holy war’ language to increase radical recruitment

7. Arm everyone in the region, radical or otherwise, to make a quick buck, the way our Founding Fathers envisioned

While we were busy breaking our economy with two land wars, radical Islam flourished. Of course, some on the right are profiting from these misstep while others are propheting:

“When I hear the president of the United States and his chief spokesperson failing to admit that we’re in a religious war, it really bothers me.”

—Lindsey Graham

When republicans speak it really bothers me but, don’t worry, we will still protect your freedom of speech. Ear plugs sold separately. This week Paul Waldman posted this presidential quote:

“All Americans must recognize that the face of terror is not the true faith—face of Islam. Islam is a faith that brings comfort to a billion people around the world. It’s a faith that has made brothers and sisters of every race. It’s a faith based upon love, not hate.”

I can hear our friends on the right yelling, “Yeah! WTF? How can this Kenyan, Islam-appeasing pussy fight terror!” Then Waldman explains:

“These words were spoken by George W. Bush. I was not exactly a fan of Bush’s when he was president, but in the immediate aftermath of September 11 and for years afterward, he took pains to emphasize that America was not at war with a religion. And I don’t recall too many Republicans complaining at the time.”

Let’s link back to Pokey’s outrage of Bush’s audacity to placate extrem—

[Winslow: Nope nothin’.]

Oh, you missed that part? That’s right, W gets a free pass because he prayed before he invaded Iraq, which turned out badly. Maybe God was experiencing a high volume of traffic that day. Verizon Friarless? Can you bomb me now? As sad as that man was—Bush not God, God’s a woman—the damage the next Republican president will inflict on this world will Palin in comparison. Sorry, P U is two thirds of a pun.

My position hasn’t changed. I get what Obama is doing and I approve. I would rather tamp down this clash of civilization by using our words and deeds to mitigate radical recruitment. I’m not opposed to using drones, special ops, and our military judiciously, but with greater support from regional players. The Obama Doctrine.

Should the U.S. step up our own military response to Hezbollah, Boko Haram, Al-Qaeda, ISIS and the like? There’s a strong case for that, but this has to be a group effort. Winning the war of ideas and getting less people to don the suicide vest in the first place is the trick—a trick that Obama understands and you don’t. This article explains the need for a true coalition, here. My criticism of Obama’s approach here and my old Clash of Civilizations post here.

Prophet Not Appearing

At the end of the day, fundamentalism is fundamentalism. Yes, if you take the Bible literally you’ll stone gays and, yes, if you take the Koran literally you’ll convert people by the sword. Most people thankfully move beyond this literal stage, Muslims and Christians alike. I’m not saying Christian or Islamic fundamentalists are the same, they’re just not as different as one would hope:

Fundamentalist Strong Communities

Admittedly, too much of the Islamic world is functioning at a lower level of consciousness. This may not be politically correct, but it’s true nevertheless. That doesn’t mean I want our Christian friends to stoop to their level. I don’t want to fight this your way, Pokey, because 1.) You’re too close to the problem, and 2.) I would rather win. I don’t want to see President Huckabee as Commander-in-Priest, leading us into some unholy war.

What do you hope to accomplish by identifying greater Islam as the threat? What would that do to the millions of peacefully integrated Muslims already in this country? Internment camps anyone? Spare me your incendiary sermon, Preacher Poke, I would rather continue to enlist the aid of moderate Muslims than needlessly shift more radicalward. When such moderate does appear on Fox they’re attacked. Check out the appalling Reza Aslan interview, here, after which Brent Bozell noted, “He’s not a very good Muslim.”

Is radical Islam on the march? Yes. Are there way too many radicalized Muslims in the world? Yes. Duh. Thinking that Obama is oblivious to this fact is ridiculous. Do you have any solution save making the enemy stronger through a series of missteps? Of course not, you’re a republican (See: history). Obama’s not ignoring the problem, but thankfully he’s ignoring you. It’s not a self-Foxfilling prophecy—it’s a caliphate, not a califate.

[Caliphornication joke removed by the editor]

As for your Glenn Beck comment, I remember watching that segment live on Fox. I wasn’t in disagreement that factions of radical Muslims are attempting this Caliphate, precisely as Beck asserted. I also remember MSNBC wrongly scoffing at his claims. Does MSNBC sometimes represent the head-in-the-sand far left faction of liberalism? Yes, it’s why they piss me off.

The best argument for stepping up our attacks on these radicals came from the late great Christopher Hitchens. He made a much more compelling and coherent argument to bring the fight to Islam (minus all the crayons and glue sniffing so prominent on the right). I appreciated Hitch’s argument back in the day, here. The real problem is this: he was banned from Fox News because of his intellect. That’s the problem, anyone who can articulate their thoughts—into coherent groups of words that I like to call sentences—no longer has a place in The GOP. Conservatism cannot survive as an anti-intellectual movement. If you chase everyone with the IQ above a turnip out of your tent, you’re left with….CPAC run.

“Yeah, but the truth is still the truth!” I can hear Pokey shouting.

Sorry, if your best argument comes courtesy of Glenny the Chalk-Sniffer and Bozell the Clown, you will never be heard, nor should you be. In fact, I think Beck spent the rest of that segment talking about how Groucho Marxists will align themselves with the Green Meanies to drive real America out of the Land of Submarines. I realize you don’t care about the relative mental health of your political party, but maybe you should. It’s like those old milk commercials: Got Adults?

I want to believe Glenn Beck

Understanding the Islamic radical agenda is not news and it’s not insightful, but how we respond is. Radicalizing the rest of the planet through stupidity is not my idea of strong approach. In fact, it’s more Charlie Sheen style Winning. Two and a Half Glenn? 

Meanwhile, recruitment for radicals flourished during the Bush years. They stuck billboard-sized posters of Abu Ghraib atrocities all over downtown Tehran. Sorry if I continue to insist this issue be handled competently as nearly a third of the world identify as Muslim. We wrecked our economy invading and attempting to occupy just 6% of the problem…you know, your way. Republicans aren’t good at math, so let me spell it out for you: if we see a republican president in the near future, I would brush up on my Farsi if I were you, Pokey, and don’t forget to bow to Mecca for those ablutions.  

Holy Wars: you’re doing it wrong.

But don’t fret. The Koran is not all that different from the Old Testament. It’s still got all the Smite Stuff. You’ll adopt. I won’t, but c’est la vie, or as they say in Damascus…you know, I don’t want to know what they say in Damascus, ever. But there’s a war of ideas occurring so you should really consider getting some. There are ways to make it harder for radicals to recruit (D) or easier (R). I would rather frustrate and defeat ISIS, because the pen is mightier than the ignored—and ignoring the GOP is always wise. Lest we forget, Bush played into Bin Laden’s hands. My warning back in the day, here. Now radical Islamists are, once again, trying to trick our conservative friends into a more widespread conflict. Obama Won’t Be Fooled Again. I Can’t Explain but Who Are You to question My Generation because I Can See for Miles and Miles across this Teenage Wasteland? I know that hits home, Pokey. It was intended Who to. I have my own ax to grind with scientists, but someone once said that answers have a better chance of springing from scientists who meditate than Christians who pray. Amen. Oh, I mean Allahu Akbar.

*Sorry I couldn’t work in the actual title, Baba O’Reilly. It’s a Substitute, Happy Jack
Share

Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts

by  • 

Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts

Washington, DC—Obama sent his sincerest apologies to Benjamin Netanyhu after his speech to congress was plagued with explosions and endless drumming. The Rotunda room, the room located directly in front of where the Israeli Prime Minister gave his speech, had two simultaneous events. Someone had double-booked punk drummer tryouts and a 4th of July “practice” display.

Obama told the press, “We are looking into how this could have happened. Whoever double booked two such important events will be hearing from me personally, or at least a personalized text from me sent by my Secretary of Texting. I could barely hear the drummers over the firework display. This simply will not do. The buck stops here and, as a direct result, I have decided to relinquish command in 2016. Mostly.”

Explosions rocked Congress as Netanyahu pleaded with Congress over the sound of bombs and sifting dust. “This is what I’m talking about. If America chooses to sit on its hands idly and allow Iran to get their own fireworks display, you will have to get used to this kind of thing.”

The lead guitarist for the Armpit Salesman, Nigel Scourge, said, “Congress really needs to keep it down. Nuclear proliferation is important but so is finding this year’s drummer. Peace.”

The Armpit Salesman tend to go through drummers about once a year and have a clear goal of surpassing Spinal Tap’s total number of drummers by 2017. “Because our drummers go to 11,” added Scourge.

The President added, “I don’t want to be part of the reason The Armpit Salesman don’t reach their lofty goal. I don’t think anyone does.”
Share

That Which We Call a Radical by Any Other Name

by  • 

Pokey McDooris

Some random thoughts struck me this week, Zano, like squirrels on water skis, honey badger, and that hot barista over at Starbucks. Then some relevant thoughts struck me, but, since you have no answers, I thought I would list them all in an attempt to continue to annoy the crap out of you. First off, stop the placating! Start to join the voices condemning Islam as irrational, hateful, and just plain wrong. Quit encouraging these bullies and let’s start our own academic Jihad! Then more squirrels on water skis.

This week Rudy Giuliana said he didn’t believe that Barack Obama loved this country but, when challenged, Giuliana didn’t give a very strong defense of his statement and essentially backed down. Glenn Beck, however, did have a good response. Beck asked the question, “Is it possible for a person to want to ‘fundamentally change this country’ and still love this country?” I believe that to be a fair challenge. I know you have nothing but contempt for Mr. Beck, but back in 2013 Beck claimed that ISIS was forming a Caliphate. At this time our president was referring to ISIS as “the JV team.”

Then, this week, President Obama said, “Islam is woven into the fabric of the foundation of the United Sates” (paraphrased). This is totally false. Islam had absolutely nothing to do with the foundation of the United States, and it wasn’t until the 1890s that the 1st Islamic center was built in New York. In the 1700s, if there were such a person on this land who had even suggested Sharia law, they would have been rightly executed.

“We need to transform our history.”

—Barack Obama

President Obama said that ISIS is not Islamic, but rather a “hijacking of Islam.” This is also false. ISIS is not a deviation from Islam. ISIS has a coherent theology rooted in the Koran. ISIS is as Islamic as Muhammad; it might make us feel good to say otherwise, but if anything, ISIS is a ‘Reformation’ of the barbaric, yet theologically rooted, foundation of Islam.

The central message of the Koran is for the community of believers to spread its message through violence. Those people who truly believe that Muhamad is the last Prophet of Allah and that the Koran comes from God are at war with us, whether we like it, believe it, speak of it, or not.

By not addressing the reality of what is actually occurring in ISIS, Islam, and the Middle East, we are putting our heads in the sand as our enemy grows stronger and is emboldened by our feeble signs of weakness.

To say ISIS is not Islamic is like saying that the Nazis were not fascist. Let me start by contrasting the “racist slayings” in the U.S. with the real bigoted slayings going on around the globe like in Syria, France, Africa, etc. Our President and Al Sharpton and you too, Zano, ought to be rallying protests against the bigoted ideology—yes, “Islam.” Say it with me, kids. Isssslaaaaaam. What’s the capitol of Pakistan, kids? Islamisbad. I’m here til Friday. Is this thing on?

Those on the left have been tiptoeing around these bullies for too long. Call it what it is: Islam is a religion of intolerance—no, not just radical Islam, Islam itself. Read the Koran, look at the history. A Moderate Muslim is a person who doesn’t really believe that Muhammad is a prophet and doesn’t really believe that the Koran is from God.  Anybody who really believes that Muhammad is a prophet and that the Koran is really from God is a radical Muslim. 

We, that is reasonable Western thinking democracies, must expose Islam for what it is, no holds barred. Islam is a religion of intolerance. Oh, I know not all Islamic people are violent, but all true believing Islamists are tolerant of the violent worldwide jihad which is right not being waged against you and I.

Oh, and Zano, the only thing separating the Islamic State from you and me is conservative Christians. It sure isn’t the Democratic Party. Those same folks who work tirelessly to undermine, weaken and ridicule, Conservative Christians, kind of forget about Islam. Boo hoo, a reprehensible cartoon depiction of Muhammad, a reprehensible video, a reprehensible book, a reprehensible blog, blah, blah, blah. Yes, your blog is reprehensible but for decidedly different reasons.

I’m tired of these guys making everybody tip toe around them. Oh, be careful not to offend Abdul, kids. No really, he’s wearing a suicide vest.

Oh yeah, and the President will encourage the showing of the ‘Interview’ as a sign of patriotism? Well, let’s paste those cartoons on every newspaper and news station across the world. Oh no, that would be incendiary. What is more reprehensible to joke about the killing of present day world leader, or the satirical depiction of a false prophet who’s been dead for 1400 years?

Next installment: rethinking the virtues of the Holy Crusades…

Share

Scott Walker Has “No Idea Where All This Blood Came From”

by  • 

Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All this Blood Came From"

Milwaukee, WI—The Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, is trying to explain why he stumbled into a press conference covered in blood earlier today. Initial reports suggest the Governor entered the room clutching the still-beating heart of a known political enemy.

“I’m not sure what happened, but I do take Ambien,” said Governor Walker. “So it might be a sleep walker side effect thing. One thing I can say for sure, this is not a zombie thing. That’s a different kind of walker. I’ve watched that show. It’s gross. Screw those dead beats anyway, always looking for a handout, or just a hand. No, I kill for sport…no wait, I kill for other reasons more in line with The Bible and this great nation. Oh, and I still want to be President. Hey, but I did use a gun…initially.”

Walker is denying allegations that before entering the room he took a bite out of a heart that he allegedly tore from an unnamed political adversary’s chest. “That’s a lie! It was a kidney. I believe in the sanctity of cannibalism, I mean…I’m against the sanctity of cannibalism. When I am President I will have a teleprompter so this shit won’t happen, bitches. And, with the aid of a teleprompter, I won’t even be able say bitches, bitches. Wait, am I on The Daily Discord again? Those guys…I tell ya…look, I’m not excusing my unquenchable craving for human flesh but have you people seen the vending machine in this fucking building?”

Walker is also denying allegations that he’s passing incremental legislation to one day turn Wisconsin into a right-to-kill state. “That’s just ridiculous. If I governed from a border state then maybe I would snack on the occasional illegal, but I am way too far north for that. Besides, Canadians taste a little too back-bacony for my tastes. Is that word? I don’t know. To have a Canadian on the menu you have to be in the mood for that shit, eh? Again, I need a fucking a teleprompter.”
Share

Manmade Vs God-Given Rights

by  • 

Mick Zano

To me the ‘unalienable rights’ part of the Declaration of Independence means absolute rights that cannot be tampered with. Whereas the origin of these rights remain open to debate, the rights themselves are not. Pokey worries that without defining the origin-part, liberals will try to change shit. On that note, there’s as much Athens as Jerusalem in our founding documents so let’s begin by replacing ‘God-given’ with ‘Zeus-given’. Then let’s draw a really cool lightning bolt over the entire next paragraph and change the name of this thing to the Bill of Smites.

[Winslow: This is a continuation of a debate that has sadly been allowed to continue.]

To benefit from the spirit of our Constitution we needn’t define the God-part. Our Founding Fathers (FFs) had a healthy dose of atheism, so they avoided naming the particular deity in question. The WHO who bestowed these rights is moot, and with good reason. The Age of Reason comes to mind, or the flip side Sharia Law. Of course, our FFs were more worried about the Church of England at the time. Damn Protestants. They understood God could be any God, Gods, or higher power. But please avoid cartoon Gods where prohibited.

Some believe these rights are bestowed by a bearded guy in the clouds while others do not. But one day YOU WILL ALL KNOW the glory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! To me the key is that these rights are inherent and irrefutable. Sure the FFs stated the “right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” comes from God, but then these same folks spent no small amount of time ensuring a clear separation of church and state.

To me unalienable means—

[Zano’s 17 page Ancient Alien rant rejected by the editor]

Whereas you, Pokey, are looking at colonial times from solely a Christian standpoint, I realize our founding documents were an amalgam. Sure it’s an amalgam with clear ties to The Bible but, taking a page from Ken Wilber, I believe our FFs were operating at a much higher level of consciousness than the norm for that time period.  The idea of starting with some basic tenants that could not be overruled by anyone from a lower, or even a higher perspective was brilliant (no matter how you slice it). They were certainly light years ahead of either party today. They only used this fundamental origin-myth to protect the essence of their vision, not the least of which is that all men are Created Splenda. (Sorry, but I already changed that part, because Equal causes cancer.)  

After all, they started this schitznik with We The People, not We The Children of God. The people had the sovereignty here, not the all-mighty, or the all-mighty dollar. That came later. The whole tug-o-war between a Christian Nation vs the Wall of Separation between church and state remains ongoing, then and now. I’m not an all-or-none thinker and the answer, as usual, lies somewhere in between:

“The founders were not as Christian as those people would like them to be, though they weren’t as secularist as Christopher Hitchens would like them to be.”

—Richard Berkhiser

Let’s look at the rest of that phrase “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Life

To me life means breathing and stuff.  The GOP seems to only find life in the womb sacred. Discuss any post-natal rights and they get all snotty. Post-natal drips?  I believe The GOP has become a cult of death. Climate change? Nah. Dying oceans? Nah. Overpopulation? Nah. The need to shift to alternative energies? No thank you. We prefer a better life, through death.

Republicans love children and they show this profound Christian love by gutting education, child protective services, and all regulation of food and water. They always just want to turn their heads …and cough.

So in this nirvana of yours the church is supposed to take care of the mentally ill with prayer and with cookies? You don’t need to be insured, you don’t need medical care, you don’t need basic sick leave or any basic wage to function in our current society. You don’t need workers’ rights, you don’t need vaccinations from deadly illnesses…you know, the ones once eradicated through said vaccinations. You have the freedom to either die in the lobby without coverage or die in your designated sweatshop. That’s a wonderful interpretation of our Founding Fathers’ vision. You have the right to life…until our policies kill you. Mass extinction sold separately.

Is life longer and fuller without healthcare coverage? Do you really believe that?

“Just live a little. No really, just a little. That’s all we’re funding.”

—John Q. Republican

Liberty

Let’s take liberty…no really, take it. James Madison extended the Constitution to include the Bill of Rights to protect said liberty. The Bush Administration essentially junked the thing indefinitely post 9/11.

And what about the War on Drugs? That shit-show cost us dearly. Ever heard of the Rico law? Your house car or cash can be confiscated by the police if they even suspect anything you or your family member might have done related to a drug offense. And you’re trying to tell me that having a well-funded emergency room in your town trumps all of these affronts? Isn’t it more likely you’re being duped? I think NSA is all we agree on this topic.

Suffice to say, once you can by picked up off the street by your government without due process, held indefinitely, and then tortured, uh, I think that might infringe on your liberties ….a tad.

 “Never ever get a writ of Habeas Corpus.”

—Groucho Jefferson

The Pursuit of Happiness

Let’s ignore my hedonistic view of happiness for a moment. Sex, drugs, and rock & roll sold separately. Christian “values” keep people from dying with dignity and it keeps them from having access to pornography while in hospice care—which is no small point when your last request is spiritual midget porn. If given a chance Christians would impose their version of happiness on us all. The FFs understood this part, even if you don’t. On a related note, I come from a long line of Impuritans.

One nonstarter is how a Christian Nation invariably tries to remove temptation. They would block even any chance of sin, which is a ridiculous approach to helping someone move toward spiritual growth. Try interviewing some altar boys to see how well that’s working out. This is also why the decriminalization of all drugs must occur. Did God remove the Tree of Knowledge from the Garden of Eden? Hell, he didn’t even block porn in that liberal Portlandia. Eve? Is that you burning frankincense again, you naked hippy chick?

I think there’s a big difference if you call something like healthcare an inherent right, but universal healthcare does seem to work in everywhere it has been tried. Sorry, but freedom didn’t die anywhere it’s been tried. The taxes associated with healthcare costs polled well in all 18 countries. Again, I think there’s a middle ground at play here, well, should our republican friends outgrow their middle school playgrounds. Pursuing happiness from poverty is possible but not always preferable. I don’t want to belittle the efforts of our churches, but they are not the whole picture—they’re not even the previews.

Rick Santorum, a guy cut from your cloth, would like to see the church prominent and powerful again. He feels the separation of Church and State only goes one way. He feels the government itself must be separated from any church, but churches can petition the government as much as they want.

“WHAT?!”

—Our Founding Fathers amidst a collective face palm

And that was just their reaction to his latest sweater vest. If you recall the context back in 1776, our FFs obviously wanted a very clear separation of Church and State. Hey, why not shift the whole wall on our southern border back to where our Founding Fathers intended? …between Church and State.  Lest we forget the church had full control of the West for many centuries. It was called the Dark Ages.

Back to the Other Main Point: The Constitutionality of Obamacare

I never said the individual mandate was a clear violation of the Constitution. I said I had concerns about that one aspect of that 1,000+ page law. I am not a constitutional scholar, nor am I an all-or-none thinker, so I am forced to leave that important task to our partisan Supremes. Any ruling that arises from your infallible document—the one handed to us from God himself—is deemed constitutional or not depending on the ratio of D to R appointed judges during said ruling.  Funny how that works.

Meanwhile, Senator Orin Hatch (R) and Senator Fred Upton (R) have just proposed an alternative health plan, which is suspiciously similar to the ACA, minus the individual mandate. They want to give tax credits to compensate for this emergency room penalty. In their version you can keep coverage for your existing condition as well. But unless you counter the high risk pool with lots of other people that approach makes no sense (See: any other proposal by republican in the 21st century).

Things may go down as Starsky and Hatch are proposing, but essentially it will be Obamacare under a new name and without any viable way to pay for it. Of course, if we elect a republican president what we call the ACA will be the least of our problems.

Others have already come up with some individual mandate work-arounds, as previously mentioned here. I won’t strip millions of Americans from their healthcare coverage for a piece of this law that is not remotely fatal, for a piece of this law that is currently deemed constitutional by the Supreme Court, for a piece of this law that may well be correctible. If you change ‘unalienable’ rights to unconscionable then I think you have a point.

How is having access to an emergency room destroying your freedom, Pokey? Could we afford the fire department needed if every household in the U.S. burst into flames? The government takes a lot of your paycheck and it always will, so why is this bit so hard to digest? How much of our check goes to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, fire, garbage, infrastructure, schools etc? If you don’t have a kid, you still pay a school tax. If you don’t have a fire you still pay for that fire department. And now, if you don’t have a medical emergency there still an emergency room down the street should you need it.  You peeps always complain about the money associated with a basic functional society, yet you ignore the fact you can’t unionize, get a raise, get time off, or get a life. Freedom…you’re doing it wrong.

Excuse me if I don’t want to pay for your ‘personal responsibility’ from my pay check. It’s a shared burden…like Fox News. If you don’t like it, live off the grid, nature boy. You’re making much ado about healthcare. And what are you complaining about? You and your ilk are winning. We don’t invest in infrastructure, we don’t take care of our most vulnerable, as we devolve into a third world nation. How do you folks twist reality into such a pretzel? Don’t ask me to get inside the head of a republican; I have weak constitutions. See? I just threw up on my amendments again. Oh and sorry, Pokey, but I changed some of the first part too:

We the Spoof Bloggers , in order to form a more perfect Onion.

What da ya think? Oh, and I already changed the Zeus part again. I’m kind of partial to Dionysius, but I’m still keeping the lightning bolt. It doesn’t have to make sense. Hell, republicans don’t.
Share