Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore

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Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore

Baltimore, MD—Some savvy Baltimore entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the angry gangs roaming freely through their streets. Debris Stands, as they have come to be called, are now on almost every corner from Rosemont to Westport.

One business owner, Ed Stanko, is selling bricks to rioters from his own burned-out storefront. “I feel like a real American today. I’m helping the police bring the people who torched my business to justice, while also making money by arming the mob to fight the police. Now I know how Dick Cheney must feel.”

When asked if people really stop to pay for projectiles amidst clashes with police, Stanko said, “Some do and some don’t, but so what? I can walk over and pick the stuff back up and resell it. I’m even thinking of expanding to riot gear for police. You know, sometimes when the police are cracking-in skulls the baton gets stuck in the brain bits and, boom, I’m right there making the sale.”

Many Debris Stand owners are concerned that the market is already reaching saturation. “If enough places are reduced to rubble, the depreciation of my own rubble could force me out of business. Until then, I’m doing twofers today on pointy rocks. Hurl one hurl one free. But I might even diversify into T-shirts, you know, like Don’t Shoot the T-shirt’s White or something. I’m still working on that.”
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All Your Marijuana Predictions Are Going to Pot

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Mick Zano

The War on Drugs is ending but not fast enough. Why does it take so long to end republican policies? …uh, maybe because we keep voting for these jokers. Sorry Matt Drudge, but highlighting every pot-related incident from Legalandia will not change the overall trends, namely that the economies of those states are improving as overall crime levels and use-rates plateau. On a related note, why is the half-life of all of our right-wing bullshit greater than Plutonium? AM Radio Isodopes?

Here’s another issue wherein logic seems to elude our conservative friends. Former drug czar Bill Bennett is certainly one of the reasons for these Lingering Drug Misnomers (LDMs). I listened to his whole horrible interview the other day. Oh, and with both LSD and LDMs give yourself about 12 hours to recover. And ask your doctor if living in an alternate reality without hallucinogens is right for you.

Promoting decriminalization doesn’t necessarily mean you condone use; it means you’re simply not as clueless as our republican friends. Many progressives understand the basic premise that education, prevention and treatment are much more effective than this whole knocking-down-doors-fascist approach. Four dead by Ar-pai-o. How many more! Sorry.

What shocked me is how this supposed expert talked for nearly an hour without even accidentally making a valid point. Bennett got his name right, but he really should have stopped there. It was a shocking interview for anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of addiction. And this guy was a drug czar for nearly a decade! What next, Ted Cruz heading NASA? Oh…

Bennett was basically going on about how under his draconian policies in the 80s drug use decreased. And how we can have ongoing success with the War on Drugs, one home invasion at a time. I think the estimated cost of breaking into every house with a pot seed would likely surpass the price tag on Ted Cruz’s ‘Space Fence’, here. Yeah, I don’t remember anyone using drugs in the 80s. Strong work, Elliot Mess.

During the interview his major points were A. Everything must remain illegal or all children will become hooked, B. Pot is very dangerous, and C. Pot is a gateway drug. Who still believes these fairytales? The Brothers Dim? Here’s what happened after the decriminalization of pot in California in 2010:

“Since the law passed in 2010, the rate of both high school dropouts and youth drug overdoses are down by 20 percent, according to a new research report from the Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice. Non–marijuana drug arrests for California youth, meanwhile, are also down 23 percent – fully debunking the gateway theory.”

—Tim Dickinson, Rolling Stone

It harkens back to one of my major themes on The Discord, whatever republicans think will happen, you can bank on the opposite. It works every time. Bennett also talked about pot-related IQ loss, which is also totally unsubstantiated. The last thing someone on the right should be even discussing is IQ loss as Fox News probably does far more damage to the brain than any illicit substance.

Bennett perseverated on the dangerousness of marijuana and avoided the only accurate fact that it may well be harmful to children. He then talked about the potency being so much stronger these days, which for me evokes a hardy so what? Grain alcohol exists, I prefer beer. We are growing better marijuana, but people will use what they need to get the desired effect. Duh. The biggest bout of denial came in the form of this paraphrased bit:

“How could anyone want this dangerous substance more available in our communities and more of it in the hands of our children!”

—Bill Bennett

Nobody wants that, Bill. It doesn’t change the fact that if we shift our efforts to prevention and treatment there would be less use in the long run. But why wait until that happens? One legalized state is seeing a drop in teen use already, here.

Republicans like Bennett always act as if the War on Drugs has been effective, which is a belief that rivals, well, any of their other false beliefs.

 “The ‘war on drugs’ has been an abject failure and a shameful and scandalous waste of public money. Indeed it is well known, and not disputed, that the very societies that attempt most vigorously to suppress illegal drugs, and in which users are subject to the most stringent penalties, have seen a vast and continuous increase in the per capita consumption of these drugs.”

—Graham Hancock

How do they avoid all of the facts, every flippin’ time, on every flippin’ issue?! If increasing use and availability were the goals of the War on Drugs, then it was a resounding success. I am not advocating for pot use, nor am I a user, but nothing the right preaches about drug addiction has any relevance to this dimensional plane of existence. How long will this bigotry and ignorance rule the day? Sadly, I believe these lingering falsehoods will continue to cloud this topic for years to come. Cough.
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Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production

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Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Daily Discord film crew was forced to push back the start date of their soon to be Oscar nominated epic “Belch of the Mogollon Monster.” The latest S.T.Q. blockbuster was slated to be filmed on location in scenic Picture Canyon, conveniently located just outside of Flagstaff, but less than a week before the shoot the site was closed due to an infestation of plague-bearing fleas.

The Discord’s writer, editor, actor, producer, stage hand, prop boy, bar back, driver, and animal trainer, Zano, had this to say: “This is obviously a government plot, which means we are getting close to the truth. What is in Picture Canyon that they don’t want us to see? What secrets are they worried that we will uncover? Oh, and what time is it? Cokie asked me to pick up her dry cleaning.”

Alex Bone, the Discord’s Senior Camping Correspondent, towel boy, and Yig advocate added, “This isn’t going to help us either professionally or personally. Most of us are homeless and needed to camp in the Canyon just to make sure we were there on time. Zano didn’t even want to tell us about the plague and we only found out about the shutdown while we were on a beer run. He wants to start the filming again tomorrow, but I can’t get out of my wet sleeping bag and my body is now covered with purple growths the size of goose eggs. This time they aren’t hickies, honey, honest!”

Cameraman Greg was heard saying. “I wish I had known too. I parked my ride there and the plague infested prairie dogs must have mutated somehow, because they drove away with my car. I found it trashed downtown and the cops told me they had what the kids are calling a Plague Party, which is where the young prairie dogs have fleas bite them until they catch the ‘Black Buzz.’ Then they vomit and crap everywhere, just like Bone. They shit all over my Karman Ghia. Looks like I’ll be sleeping on the broken folding chair in Ballz’ basement again.”

Zano tried to plead with Winslow for more funding for the project, but was told that if he already spent the fifteen dollars allocated for the three month project on beer then he was shit out of luck. After sending photos of our plague infested bodies, Winslow suggested we shoot a zombie movie instead, adding, “Think of the money we’ll save on makeup, Zano!”

We also learned too late that passing around joints and bottles of tequila when some of the people in the room have the Black Plague is a bad idea as well. As we all laid on the floor of the Man Cave counting our black plague boils we were informed by Ballz’ mother that it was time to leave. Stricken and homeless and losing limbs, we hit the streets.

What do you call a punk rocker without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a punker rocker without a girlfriend who has the plague?

Gutter Goo.

The show must go on so Belch of the Mogollon Monster will be filmed later this month near Sunset Crater. It will star all of the survivors. It doesn’t help that Winslow pulled our health insurance this year, the bastard.

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The GOP: Insight Out

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Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their “points”, it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.

Their constant barrage of unhinged Told Ya Sos bear further scrutiny as do most of the false assumptions that conservatives built an entire political party on:

GOP Assumption #1: Obamacare will destroy America!

Fact: It’s doing better than expected on all major indicators, here. And yet latest polls show only 8% of Americans understand how the ACA’s price tag is currently under estimated costs, here. Fox News must have eaten its Wheaties this morning. Over-deceiving?

Keeping premiums down will be an ongoing challenge, however, especially when half our politicians and judges are actively trying to derail the thing.  Loco-Motive Breath?

GOP Assumption #2: Obama is the worst president ever!

Fact: The jury isn’t out yet, but Obama will likely rank somewhere around Lord Reagan. I have some criticism myself, but as for the worst you’re thinking of Bush. Kidding! The worst will be the next idiot you elect. That’s a prediction you can bank on. Wait, I’m being told those will collapse (much like my ratings after using that joke again).

GOP Assumption #3: Obama failed our economy! We could be doing much better!

Fact: Since 2008 the U.S. has had the strongest recovery in the West and, per Forbes, Obama surpassed Reagan on every major economic indicator known to man. So maybe he should be ranked higher, eh? I mean, Reagan did sell arms to Iran illegally and now our generals believe Shiite groups are our biggest long term problem, here. Benedict Ronald?

Fun Fact: The folks primarily responsible for those lost wars, those economic collapses, and our environmental woes have all the guns and the bunkers. Maybe there is a method to their ineptness.

GOP Assumption #4: Obama lost the Middle East!

Fact: It’s been a shit-show for a 1,000 plus years and it will likely be a shit-show for another 1,000—much like The GOP. Where are the viable solutions, save bombing and proselytizing? We’ve tried those for a long time, Pokey. How about we just arm Bibles with nuclear warheads? The Gospel of Nuke: Chapter Boom? Blessed are the mutants.

GOP Assumption #5: No bargaining with Iran!

Fact: Could Netanyahu’s warning be accurate? Any course we choose is fraught with risk and danger. It’s simply not insightful to say that bad things might happen and not offer any viable alternatives. The blithering obvious is not insightful. If the international community can ensure that no enriched uranium can be smuggled out and no bombs can be made, this could yet be an historic agreement—as opposed to republican interventions which are historically catastrophic. My solution to Iran’s nuclear program is awesome, here.

That’s all I can fit today. I can’t fit Trickle Down economics or a flat tax—like total particle reversal, those sound pretty cool until implemented. I see little to no insight on the right side of the aisle.

Or:

Meanwhile, of the ten major concerns our country and our species face, republicans are only permitted to discuss these two:

1. Our Staggeringly High Deficit:

The largest long term bill from the collapse of 2008 was not the housing market, it was putting two wars on the credit card while cutting taxes to the rich. Essentially we borrowed 6-trillion from China to create ISIS. Winning!

2. Muslim Terrorism:

Republicans fomented extremism through losing two wars …cutting taxes, well, you get the idea. Oh wait, you don’t. Anyone want to start a war with Iran for the low low price of 8-trillion? Hey, maybe by destabilizing Iran we can create another Shiite radical group to fight ISIS. Operation Christ Hammer?

Sure it will be bloody awful, Pokey, but I’m hoping this Muslim Spring will eventually lead to a Muslim Reformation. You are banking on a Holy War that will eventually lead to a nuclear winter.

It’s shocking what passes for conservative insight these days:

Black people sometimes commit crimes!

White guys are reverse-discriminated against too…albeit occasionally!

Radical Muslims are prone to blow shit up!

Government programs can be overly bureaucratic and costly!

Impressive list. Sure we have problems, but stop hastening them in the name of your profit and your prophet, and try to understand your part in our collective demise. What the hell has Jesus got to do with the Republican Party anyway? Good Black Friday? Like it or not, as resources become scarcer on this planet a society solely driven by consumerism will become increasingly absurd. That doesn’t mean I hate capitalism, it means I like to breathe. I don’t have it out for entrepreneurs, I just don’t have your aversion to facts.

Republicans don’t understand the vast majority of the issues of our time and the two they do acknowledge they either caused or exacerbated.
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U.S. Convinces Iran to Turn Nuke Program Into Brewery

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U.S. Convinces Iran to Turn Nuke Program into Brewery

Tehran, IR—The State Department is hailing the recent development of Iran’s decision to convert their uranium enrichment facilities into breweries as a “major achievement”. Iran won’t have any power but they will have porters. The United Nations supports Iran’s decision to brew beer and approved the distribution of cans, bottles, and growlers. They have yet to give Tehran the go-ahead to produce 22 oz. bombers as there remains a lingering fear that this could be a gateway size.

Iran Brewery will feature several flagship beers including a dry-hopped Infidel IPA, a Sharia Sour, a peach-flavored Genocider, and a Death to American Pale Ale. The Mohammed Malt Liquor was pulled from the racks, however, after an artist died on the rack for what Iran officials are calling “a label design mishap.”

Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I am very pleased with Iran’s decision to take a page from the Great Satan and have a great time! I stayed an extra few days on the tax payer’s dime just to attend their Fatwa Firkin Friday. Wow, those Mullahs can party like it’s nine hundred and ninety nine.”

President Obama said, “I’m looking forward to trying their first seasonal beer, a Behead Imperial Red. Yum! I’ll tell you what, those Iranian brewers Ji-had me from hello!”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is condemning the opening of the brewery in the strongest possible terms. “This brewery pales in comparison to our own HeBrew Pale Ale, but I am more concerned that once Iran has such a facility this could trigger an ales race across the Middle East.”
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Cosby’s Giving Me a Woody

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Tony Ballz

With all the hoo-ha surrounding the Bill Cosby’s recent allegations, this seems like a good time to talk about Woody Allen. Whenever the media needs an easy punchline for a child molestation joke (always in good taste), they inevitably turn to Woody Allen. Countless blogs and entertainment outlets love to dribble on about the “sick” relationship between the film director and the much younger Soon-Yi Previn, his ex-lover’s adopted daughter, aka “that poor girl.”

What poor girl? You mean his WIFE, the woman he’s dated for 24 years and been married to for 18? The woman he has two adopted children with? THAT poor girl? The one who’s 45 years old?

Time for some background. In 1966, soap opera actress Mia Farrow (age 21) married singer Frank Sinatra (age 50). Farrow quit acting to be Sinatra’s hausfrau, on his insistence. The next year, after a bored Farrow accepted the lead in Rosemary’s Baby, Sinatra filed for divorce. The movie made her a star.

In 1970, Mia Farrow (age 25) became pregnant by conductor Andre Previn (age 41), who left his wife to marry her. Before their divorce in 1979, the couple had three children and adopted two more, including Soon-Yi, a Korean orphan whose birthdate was estimated to be around 1970.

In 1980, Mia Farrow began a relationship with Woody Allen, who put her in twelve of his films. The couple never married or lived together. They had one child and adopted two. Farrow has admitted there is a good chance the father of their “biological” son is actually Frank Sinatra, whom Farrow had sporadic affairs with in the years following their divorce. If this is true, it places Farrow at age 42 and Sinatra at 71 at the time of conception.

In 1991, Mia Farrow discovered that Woody Allen (age 56) was having an affair with Soon-Yi, then 21 and living by herself. And the shit-slinging began. Woody Allen says that he never had amorous feelings toward Soon-Yi until she initiated their relationship by sending him nude photos in 1991.

FACT: Soon-Yi Previn is not Woody Allen’s adopted daughter. Soon-Yi has stated that her “Dad” is Andre Previn and that Woody was never a father figure to her, just Mom’s boyfriend.

FACT: Before 1992, Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn did not live under the same roof at any time. After her parents’ divorce, Soon-Yi stayed with her Dad. Allen and Farrow never co-habitated.

These two facts blow all the “Creepy Stepfather Molesting His Adopted Daughter” or “Old Pervert Selects His Child Bride” (“yeah, her over there, the cute one”) nonsense out the window.

Here’s a question no one can seem to answer: If Woody and Soon-Yi’s relationship is so sick … Why are they still together? Why hasn’t she wised up and left him yet? She isn’t stupid; she was taking college courses in her early teens and speaks better English than you or I do. She’s not in an Ike-and-Tina or Phil-and-Ronnie situation where Woody keeps her imprisoned in a tower like Rapunzel.

Have you seen pictures of them? Soon-Yi Previn is a big robust Korean woman in her 40s and Woody Allen is a 79 year old Jewish man around 4’1 who looks like he weighs about as much as her shoes. She could easily push him over and run away. Hell, she could sneeze in his direction and the force would probably kill him.

Does he have her permanently hypnotized? Maybe a voodoo curse? Some sort of mesmerism? Funny, I don’t see any armed thugs surrounding her in any of those pictures.

I mean, just LOOK at them! What possible attraction could there be? Why is she even with him?

I don’t know, maybe because he’s WOODY ALLEN? Maybe because he’s rich and famous and respected all over the world and charming and funny and intelligent and stable and plays the clarinet and works with top Hollywood stars and doesn’t drink and doesn’t take drugs and doesn’t cheat on her and doesn’t mentally or physically abuse her or their children? Ya think?

And maybe because he made Annie Hall and Manhattan and The Purple Rose Of Cairo and Sleeper and Crimes And Misdemeanors and Radio Days and Zelig and Broadway Danny Rose and Hannah And Her Sisters and Bananas and Love and Death and Play It Again Sam and Shadows and Fog and Stardust Memories? Ya think?

Maybe she LOVES him? A lady who finds a man with the above resume can easily overlook any shortcomings (pun) he may have in the looks department. Shit, I almost want to schtup the little guy now.

Recently, one of Allen’s and Farrow’s adopted children claimed that Woody had sexually abused her. The case was thrown out after a court-appointed psychiatrist testified that she was either delusional or coerced.

If Woody Allen is a pedophile, why the hell is he happily married to a 45 year old woman?
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Cheney Yells “This Is Torture!” Before Strangling Kitten

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Cheney Yells "This is Torture!" before Strangling Kitten

Mclean, VA—During an interview with the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Dick Cheney became highly agitated today. Initially, the former Vice President presented as calm and answered questions ranging from the consequences of the Iraq War, to the irony of a homophobe having a lesbian daughter, to the economic collapse caused by his own arrogance. When McGrath mentioned the Torture Report, however, Cheney grabbed the PhotoShopped image of a kitten and began strangling it. “I like torture but I don’t like reports! This!! This is torture, you little bitch! Not that mambi-pambi shit we we’re doing to those war criminal, towelheads!”

When McGrath asked if similar acts ever occurred at Guantanamo Bay, the former Vice President released his vice-like grip on the kitten. “Not nearly as much as I would have liked. The Red Cross kept wanting to inspect the bodies. Bloody do-gooders, always checking on the bloody detainees. And here I thought this was America.”

While Cheney uttered several quotes from Senator Palpatine and Lord Voldemort, McGrath switched a nearby flat-screen to Rachel Maddow and used the distraction to climb down a lattice to safety. When asked to describe the scene, Cokie said, “It grew noticeably colder when Cheney entered the room and his eyes seemed to stare right through you. When we started he actually stood transfixed at the door of his own library and asked permission before entering. Weird, right? Thankfully I was able to save the PhotoShopped kitten. What really bothered me, though, was how at the end of each sentence I could swear I heard the name, Clarice. I have not been able to even look at a fava bean since.”
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Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?

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Mick Zano

Doesn’t cognitive dissonance eventually reach some saturation level? If fed enough conflicting data doesn’t the frontal lobe eventually deflate or something? Neuralflacidity? I know conservatives get an unhealthy dose of spin, but eventually the dust settles and we discover what actually happened. And it’s never what they thought.  For some reason I was reading the Weekly Standard the other day and it struck me, the Standard is the brain-trust of the right, right? Yet who in their right mind would trust their brainlessness? Sorry, it’s the neuralflacidity talking.

Bill never-right Krystol is calling for the dismantling of the Iran deal and he thinks he has the plan and the prowess to help republicans accomplish this important patriotic feat. And by patriotic, of course, I mean treasonous.

“The best chance is to prevent a final deal from being signed on June 30. And the best way to do that is to spend the next 80 days pulling on the loose threads and poking at the fraying parts of the framework announced last week in Lausanne. We can heighten the contradictions, exacerbate the tensions, make unacceptable the ambiguities, and thus tempt the Iranians to decide to walk away.”

—William Krystol

If Iran chooses not to play ball with the international community it may result in increased sanctions and or bombings. Granted the Ayatollah is a nut, but he alone has the power to make or break this deal. This has always been a long shot, but it should not be purposefully undone—especially by a republican pundit with a track record that makes Greece’s economic minister seem insightful. I have a lot of doubts and questions about this deal myself, but I commend the attempt. To resort directly to military strikes is insane, even by republican ‘weakly standards’. I am a spoof news guy and if I had Krystol’s record I would break said record over my knee and throw it out the nearest window. The Vinyl Solution?

Right now our own Congress is undermining the entire foreign policy of a sitting president. It’s not as if they have some viable solution they’re chomping at the bit to implement. Juan Cole has our grim Iran war prospects, here. They have nothing, or:

“Same as it ever was.”

—David Byrne

In their defense, it must be difficult to navigate their own self-created Shitlandia. That’s near Barf Harbor, right? The best hope for this incredibly daunting Iran deal is the fact that Krystol and his ilk say it won’t work. That alone should be enough reason to give diplomacy a chance. It’s like that Lennon line, all we are saying is…is give me money, that’s what I want!

I admit what Iranian zealots are saying to their base is disturbing, but is it true? I mean, it’s kind of like the Republican Primaries, all ginned up nationalism and fecal matter. Besides, nearly two thirds of our country would prefer if Congress stayed out of the negotiations, here. Majority polling is usually not my shtick, but republicans are going against the president and the people on this one. Oh, and did I mention their historical track record?! They have balls. No brains, of course, but balls of Adamantium. Speaking of X-Men—

[Chelsea Manning joke removed by the editor]

On a related note, Paul Waldman yanked out an old J.J. Goldberg article. Right before the Iraq War Bush received two visitors from Israel, Ariel Sharon and Benjamin Netanyahu.

Ariel Sharon basically said an Iraq invasion would have three results:

1. Iraq will implode into warring tribes of Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds.

2. You’ll be stuck in an Iraqi quagmire for a decade (boy, was he wrong!).

3. Iran, a far more dangerous player, will be rid of its principal enemy and free to pursue its ambitions of regional hegemony.

*Courtesy of that J.J. Goldberg article

George W. Bush, of course, thought hegemony meant a fund that whether the market went up or down would protect his capital. So he invested—I mean, invaded. But wait, a mere couple of months after Sharon’s visit Benjamin Netanyahu gave Bush the exact opposite advice. “If you take out Saddam’s regime, I guarantee that it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region.”

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular with republicans. All you need to do is always be wrong and you’re the next Fox Prom King (FPK). Oh, and I made the mistake of reading Pokey’s last feature. I’ve already addressed this stuff. Republicans tend to seek out quotes from an ultra-liberal professor, extrapolate said quotes, and then mold them into some widespread conspiracy theory. Rinse, blather, repeat. Again, the trick is not in finding some crazy liberal, it’s finding a sane republican, anywhere.

Hint of the day: You’ll have better luck finding a Yiddish theatre group in Damascus. Pirates of Shvantz?

So where are the republicans who are saying, “Let’s just see what the diplomats come up with?” That’s because, Polls suggest there aren’t any! Why? Because Foxeteers aren’t permitted to stray a micron from any Fox News talking point, or:

Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action
Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action

Groupstink?

Meanwhile, Pokey, your ilk wants to sabotage the Iran deal before it’s finalized and then end any chance of a Muslim Reformation before it begins via a holy war, wonderful. Essentially your two step solution is 1. Start WWIII and 2. Awaken the Beast from Revelations. How about just swimming around Fukushima for a while until you’re a nice glowy green, and then you can do the Godzilla summoning chant (GSC). My friend Larry can probably show you how, if you buy him a beer.
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Cruz to Redirect NASA Funds to “Global Space Fence”

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Cruz to Redirect NASA funds to "Global Space Fence"

Washington, DC—The chief scientist of NASA, Ellen Stofan, recently announced, during a panel discussion, her firm belief that “we are on the verge of finding alien life” and that “this discovery will happen within a decade.” This stunning announcement sent Ted Cruz, the chair of the Space, Science, and Competitiveness committee, into immediate inaction.

Senator Ted Cruz told the press today, “I have no reason to doubt NASA’s claims—except the whole aliens are never mentioned in either The Bible or Atlas Buggered—but if we only have a decade before these little green welfare recipients invade our sovereign planet, we need to start building a global border fence now.”

Many believe Alien life capable of traveling on interstellar missions would have technologies that far exceed our own. When someone confronted Cruz with this fact, he responded, “NASA can work on the fence, because I’m in charge of NASA, but the Defense Department is going to have to work with me here and start making phasers, light sabers and those X-Men mutant people.”

When questioned about the 927-trillion dollar price tag associated with the space wall, Cruz said, “Fiscal conservatism has a long rich history of out-of-control deficits. I intend to continue with that time honored tradition. It will keep America safe from the grey menace and will decrease unemployment. And if these little googly-eyed bastards try to take my ray gun, let’s just say, from my cold dead Iron Man-style hand blaster.”
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