Okay, who’s the wise ass with the brown gun?!
GOP Determined To Win in 2016: Minus Women, Minorities, Gays, or Valid Points
by Mick Zano •
The GOP is a political party like Spinal Tap is a rock band. Hey, and now their crazies really do go to 11. But how about that feisty Fiorina performance, eh? I have to give her some credit but, amidst that Reagan love-fest, frankly anyone could have done that to her hair. But was that supposed to be a debate? Frodo got the One Ring to Mount Doom faster than that monstrosity. Yikes. Why do you need three hours to discuss nothing? …Seinfeld managed that in a half an hour each week. Still, I am sure this will go down in the annals of history next to Hitchens V Galloway, Socrates V Glaucon, or even Palin V Cleese during the Argument sketch. No it won’t. Yes it will. Quiet you!
Fasten Your Seatbelts For Tonight’s Republican “Debate”
by Mick Zano •
Houston we Have A Politician: Cruz Outed As Alien Operative!
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—After chugging a warm pitcher of Pabst, Buzz Aldrin burped the national anthem and Senator Ted Cruz took the podium at the 3rd annual NASA bake-sale. “Since 2009 there continues to be a disproportionate increase in NASA’s funding for the earth sciences,” said Cruz. “This makes no sense as Earth is the opposite of space. Duh. And do you have any idea how much tax payer money is wasted each year keeping those four little Alpha Centurians alive over in Area 51? Oh, wait, that’s classified. Can you bleep that part out? I don’t want those MIBs on my ass again. They’re worse than socialists.”
EARTH: Rupert Murdoch’s Billion Dollar Whore
by Mr. Sherman •
EARTH: Rupert Murdoch’s Billion Dollar Whore
“This month’s edition is very Geo Graphic, isn’t it? I hope he doesn’t get his penis stuck in the Marianas Trench again.”
—Mick Zano
Post-Bush Republicans: The PBRs Of Today’s Politics
by Mick Zano •
How do republicans remain so oblivious of their own demise? As far as I can figure, they’re so mad at the establishment they plan to suck even more. W’s IQ was among the lowest of any president and Trump is estimated to be even lower, here. I predicted a deterioration, but even I can’t believe how far south of Bush these people have come, the political taint, if you will. Under a republican president we were never going to have healthcare cost containment, we were never going to have an Iran deal, and we were never going to have a recovery in the first place. At minimum we’d be at war with Iran and at maximum our planet would be a radioactive ball of dust. Your candidates belong in a circus, not in the Oval Office. Kidding, circus people are talented.
Powerful You Have Become, Sanders, The Dark Meat I Sense In You
by Mick Zano •
Rogue Elf Dentist Kills Popular Bumble
by Mick Zano •
Santa’s Workshop, NP—A Bumble, best known for his tree-trimming prowess in the children’s classic Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer, is dead at 93. The loveable white monster was a favorite among visitors to the frozen north. Kris Kringle is reportedly “furious” and plans to banish the elf to the land of Misfit Toys. When a reporter pointed out how the elf is not actually a toy, Claus said, “He’ll look like Pinocchio after a Saw when I’m done with the little bastard. I knew when he stopped making toys to pursue a career in dentistry, something was amiss. Who does that? Especially with malpractice insurance these days?”
Trump Implements Immigration Reform on Capitol Hill
by Pierce Winslow •
Muppet Marriage Mayhem! Mrs Bigoty V Miss Piggity?
by Mick Zano •
Elizabethtown, KY—The Muppets are up in arms over controversial comments made by Kentucky clerk, Kim Davis. Not only is she refusing to marry gays, but she is now refusing to marry Muppets. Ms. Davis told The Discord, “I think if a Muppet marries another Muppet we are some how condoning a form of bestiality. I am not marrying Ernie and Bert and I am certainly not allowing a marriage between Grover and Gonzo, when I don’t even know exactly what the F they are.”
Ernie and Bert plan to file a lawsuit on the Kentucky court in question. “We shouldn’t have to put up with this shit,” said Bert. “I put up with enough shit from Ernie—always making me wear a French maid’s outfit. I’m sick of it!”
Senator John Q. Republican added, “You can’t give these Muppets an inch or they’ll take a mile. Remember when they took Manhattan? Yeah, well I do. Screw those fuzzy little bastards.”
This Week’s Dumb Text Of The Week Goes To…
by Mick Zano •
Discord Server Endorses Hillary Siri Ticket 2016
by Mick Zano •
Putin Responds To Photographs Depicting Scarecrow Guarding Chinese Border
by Mr. Sherman •
More scare tactics, or is this the beginning of another Crow War?
Trumping The Establishment: Kiss The Ring, Bitches
by Mick Zano •
The emergence of a Trump, or someone like him, was predictable. I know I’ve been a little hard on my republican friends over the last 10K posts but, to the Discord’s credit, Pokey and I tried a “bridging gaps” approach to politics long ago. We’ve both been keenly aware of our media’s demise and our polarizing trajectory. Despite our best efforts, here we aren’t. Pokey is now a AM radio-listening Limbaughite and I’m now entertaining the idea of endorsing Bernie “Socialist” Sanders. No polarization going on here… It’s sad really, when you stop to blog about it.
“I am rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say about me, it sucks to be you.”
—Donald Trump
I’m Loving It
by Mr. Sherman •
The Discord Celebrates 11 Weeks Of The Trump Candidacy
by Mr. Sherman •
Wes Craven, Best Known For His Role In Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Is Dead At 76
by Mr. Sherman •
Low-Truth High-Fibber Diet Taking Its Toll On Party Poopers
by Mr. Sherman •
Discord Gets Exclusive Photo At Biden/Warren Secret Meeting
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Elizabeth Warren admitted to the press today that when Vice President Joe Biden asked her to be his running mate, “Shit got a little weird.” Biden is considering Warren as a potential running mate, but he chose to pop the question to her amidst his own raucous Hawaiian-themed nudist pot party.
The released photo, above, has many believing this ticket is already dead on arrival. When Elizabeth Warren was questioned about her fashion faux pa, a hand shaped bra, she said, “Look, I either get a bra with Biden’s hands already fondling me, or I have to contend with the genuine article. I was choosing the lesser of two evils. For the next party I just need to CYA, if you follow.”