Hundreds Of Syrian Immigrants Succumb To Harsh Canadian Winter
by Mick Zano •
Ottawa—Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudaeu announced today as many as 40% of the recently relocated Syrian refugees have already frozen to death. The challenge of transitioning individuals from a desert region to the great white north has proven too great for many. The Prime Minister was saddened, yet confused by the news: “We gave every one of them free season tickets to the nearest ice rink as well as all the Canadian Ice beer they could drink,” said Trudeau, “I don’t know why so many died of exposure, between periods, right by the snack bar. The real tragedy is how most of them missed what turned out to be a fantastic overtime.”
The Farce Awakens: Discord Offers Star Wars Conspiracy Theory
by Mick Zano •
Dog Whistle Politics
by Dr. Kwela Juluka •
Dog-whistle politics is a term that describes statements made by political candidates and people in elected positions phrased in ways intended to galvanize support from like-mined voters. At the same time such political revenuers try to avoid repulsing voters who are on the fence. “Family values” might be an example of a dog-whistle. Lately a less subtle form of political speech has entered the arena. It reminds me of a historic National Lampoon magazine cover from the 1970s showing a frightened dog with a gun pointed to its head. Of course, that was satire, but today’s GOP’s message is often as overt and offensive. For other examples of dog-whistle politics see anything on The Daily Discord.
Pelosi’s Efforts Nets “Huge Gains” For War On Christmas
by Mick Zano •
“This may be the most significant blow to X-Mas since Seal Team Soros took out FAO Schwartz.”
—General B. Humbug
Discord Becomes ‘War On Christmas’ Headquarters
by Mick Zano •
Heat Miser Presents Climate Change Counterargument To World Leaders
by Mick Zano •
Le Bourget, FR—World leaders reconvened in France today at the request of the Heat Miser. November’s meeting at the same venue was a multinational effort hailed as “the planet’s last, best hope to stave off the impact of climate change before the Force Awakens opens.” After a thorough Palinesque vetting process, The GOP chose The Heat Miser to present the republican counterargument. The controversial marionette demanded an immediate audience with the United Nations, so over 30,000 diplomats and delegates quickly assembled.
As part of his opening remarks, The Heat Miser insisted, “This has nothing to do with the ginormous check I recently received from the Koch Brothers.” During his 17-hour filibuster-style heated rant, The Miser presented a powerpoint presentation designed to repudiate global warming. The slides included an image of a person shivering after getting out of the shower, another person defrosting a very icy freezer, and Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) holding a fully intact snowball on the floor of Congress.
The Arnold V The Donald
by Mr. Sherman •
“Come with me if you want to leave. I’ll be wetback. AstalaVisa please.”
—Arnold Schwarzenegger
Kwik-E Mart Owner Notices Muslim Bias Up, Squishee Sales Down
by Mick Zano •
Springfield, ??—Kwik-E Mart owner, Apu Nahasapeemapetilo, has experienced an increase in Muslim bias in recent weeks. The business owner points directly to several sermons by one Reverend Timothy Lovejoy of The First Church of Springfield. The store owner claims the Reverend is intentionally inciting violence against Muslims through controversial Sunday scripture quotes, such as: ‘Blessed are the camel humping, towelheads’ and ‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And then for some reason he filled the shittier parts with sand, oil and Arabs’.
As War On Christmas Intensifies Santa Releases ‘No-Sleigh-Zones’
by Mick Zano •
Let’s Start With Something I Appreciated About Your Last Post, Pokey: The Length
by Mick Zano •
Over the years I have been hard on all forms of fundamentalism, regardless of the particular brand. So, Mr. McDooris, I see your “the Qur’an was revealed to Muhammad” myth and raise you a “burning Bush” one (which, incidentally, should have happened due to his war crimes). Whereas I expect more from our own, you expect less and less. I guess that’s one way to never be disappointed. Blessed are the oblique? Your reasons for Trump’s ascendance are absurd. You have failed to acknowledge the fact your party is a clown car. Can’t we at least agree on that? Oh, but I did enjoy the length of your last submission. Being wrong, yet concise is a rare gift.
$180K Dodge Charger Daytona Found In Barn: Remains Of Daisy Duke Still In Trunk!
by Mick Zano •
Why is The Donald Trump-Towering Over All His Opponents?
by Pokey McDooris •
If you know so much, Mr. Zano, then why is Trump remaining so popular? It seems all of your little cartoons haven’t made a dent in old Orange Helmet. I have not been a fan of Trump. In fact, I have not spoken a word in support of his run for the Presidency. I see Trump as simply a more efficient version of President Barack Obama and, if our president were any more efficient, he’d be a dictator. Amen, for those ‘liberal’ portions of incompetence and inefficiency.
The Year Without A Sanders Claus? Bernie Sanders Releases Holiday Campaign Promise
by Mick Zano •
Why Are Republicans So Angry? Ignorance Is Supposed To Be Bliss
by Mick Zano •
Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country into delusion? Bill Maher recently asked, “did this crazy base always exist or have their numbers swelled through Fixed News and the like?” I think it’s a little of both. We all know someone who still says: had we only used bigger bombs in ‘Nam, or if we’d only kept those “gains” from The Surge in Iraq, or if we’d only ignored Watergate and left Nixon alone …so he could focus on Benghazi.
At 90th Birthday Party Dick Van Dyke Finally Admits Name “Controversial”
by Mick Zano •
Virtual Gunmen Storm Online University
by Mick Zano •
Virtual Space—Earlier today at SyntheTech University four computers were hacked to death and ten comment-sections were interrupted. A virtual assailant systematically stormed from room-to-virtual room unleashing malware and hate-thread speech. This incident, that many are calling an act of anti-liberalism, caused Syntax and Registry errors from C# to C++. The barrage of politically incorrect language left hundreds of coddled liberal students, virtually T-mobile. The attacker also wielded a 3D-printed Adobe firearm that blew pixilated holes into several forums, syllabi, and homework portals. Incidentally, the homework portal-part of this event was the only aspect of this tragedy The Daily Discord received no complaints. Many are left questioning, are our online universities safe for our young people, or will instances of Post Traumatic Software Disorder increase?
Republicans were quick to comment, “The only answer for a bad guy with a 3D printed Adobe firearm is a good guy with a 3D-printed Adobe firearm.”
Canada Forces Syrian Immigrants Into Hockey Internment Camps
by Mick Zano •
Herr Trump: The Democratic Anti-Candidate
by Pierce Winslow •
Philadelphia, PA—When I post stuff I usually just make fun of stupid people, like Zano. But here’s a unique opportunity to get all political and make fun of stupid people in one post. In case you‘ve been living on Mars, Donald Trump is leading the GOP polls by a near-record margin. The man is obviously pandering. I’m talking about Trump, not Zano…this time. He will say anything and everything just to appeal to “real Americans”. What kills me is that so many people actually believe him. Notice how he always speaks in generalities? “Oh, you don’t want to know what I would do to the terrorists.” Really? I think I do. That’s why I asked the question. Come on Don, what are ya gonna do? Are you going to shift to the middle?