This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger Murders Roommate With Conan Sword. Seeing headlines like these should inspire me, but they only compel me to attack random diners in some Waffle House with a Conan sword, preferably naked.
Trump Ups His Attack On Cruz
by Mick Zano •
“I’m going to send Cruz’s head to the Prime Minister of Canada, and I’m drop-kicking Rubio’s toward Cuba.”
—Donald Trump
The Top10 Questions Discord Staff Asked SIRI In 2015
by Mick Zano •
SIRI has become an important part of The Daily Discord and Team Search Truth Quest. She even helped lead an EVP session during a cemetery ghost investigation, here. The stats are in and we have the Top 10 questions asked by Discord contributors in 2015. SIRI does have an active restraining order against Discord member, Tony Ballz, so none of his questions will be featured in this year’s list. We even have SIRI’s responses to these important questions (SIRIously…at least when they were funny):
Iran Deal: For “Team Building Exercise” Kerry Suggests Dismantling Live Thermonuclear Device
by Mick Zano •
Tehran, IR—Secretary of State John Kerry suggested a team building activity designed to either build ties between Iranian and U.S. Diplomats or atomize them. The two teams split into mixed groups tasked with disarming a live nuclear warhead within the allotted time frame. Secretary Kerry told The Discord, “Most such meetings require an ice breaking exercise, but this situation required an advanced course, something that would break much more than just ice. Oh, and when I suggested we ‘split’ into two atom bomb dismantling groups, I emphasized ‘split’, get it? Get it? But no one got it. I blame the translators. My other jokes didn’t land either, but the rest of the exercise far exceeding expectations, or you would have read about it in the paper.”
How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? None, They Don’t Believe In Change
by Mick Zano •
I’m furious with the mainstream media, but probably not for the same reasons you are. How dare they let republicans rewrite history? How do you let these blatant falsehoods go unchallenged on your “news” shows? Even our debate moderators seem asleep at the switch. During the last undercard round, Carly Fiorina implied Obama “fired all the good generals, like David Petraeus.” Everyone who follows politics knows why General Petraeus left the military. Everyone. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Lewinski.
Alan Rickman, Best Known As The Voice For Marvin The Depressed Robot, Is Dead At 69
by Mick Zano •
New GOP Up & Comer Joins Growing List Of Down & Outers
by Mick Zano •
Crying Baby In Fourth Row Derails State Of The Union Address
by Mick Zano •
Washington—A child, who apparently wanted “walkies”, became a key distraction last night during President Obama’s 8th and final State of the Union Address. Initially the President tried to make light of the situation, but the growing disruption caused him to lose his train of thought several times and eventually his patience. The President initially tried to make several jokes, some which garnered laughs like, “That kid is more mouthy than my VP” to other more offensive comments, such as “This is why I’m pro-choice, people.”
Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina shouted, “You cry!” in what many are calling an encore performance for his “You lie!” moment during Obama’s 2009 SOTU address.
Mango Chipotle-gate? Bernie’s Beer Choice Brings Into Question His Entire Position Picking Prowess
by Mick Zano •
Screw Benghazi, this is the real scandal of our age. I haven’t written much about the Bernie Sanders’ phenomenon on this blog, but his imbibing a brew from one of my main hangouts demands a response. Historic Brewing, Bernie?! You’re on my turf now. There are reasons I would love to endorse the Bernster, but I also have some serious reservations. His questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival has only increased my concerns about his candidacy. Not the commandeering of the Downtown Dawg vendor truck—that was The Discord gang—the other questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival.
David Bowie, Best Known For His Cameo In Zoolander, Is Dead At 69
by Mick Zano •
Discord NOT Endorsing The Martian For The Golden Globes
by Mick Zano •
And The Worst Discord Force Awakens Joke Goes To…
by Mick Zano •
A Look At The Republican Brain: Why The GOP Is So Adept At Being Inept
by Mick Zano •
Cognitive distortions are prominent on both sides of today’s political aisles, but one side is accelerating in this area like a tachyon particle in a meth lab. This is today’s scheissgiest, as I like to call it. From a psychiatric standpoint, Republicans represent the full diagnostic spectrum. I’d suggest they drop their elephant symbol for the rainbow were it not already taken. GOP Pride? Yeah, they shouldn’t have any of that. The last of their pride should have already trickled-down Reagan’s economy. Trump’s popularity exposes more of the sickness on the right, but dare we hope he represents the final gacking up of that more stubborn mucus…you know, like at the end of some bad cold? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my first analogy.
This Week’s Dumb Text Goes To …Zima
by Mick Zano •
North Korean Atomic Plume Linked To Un’s Introduction To Mexican Food
by Mick Zano •
Pyongyang, DPRK—The supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced today the successful detonation of an H-Bomb, the first such thermonuclear detonation in the country’s history. The U.S. Air Force immediately deployed a WC-135 Constant Phoenix aircraft as a radiation “sniffer” plane to test the properties of the radiation cloud created by the blast. The sniffer plane returned 90 minutes later holding its radar dome. Results of the analysis of the plume concluded it was comprised primarily of methane and Tapatio Salsa Picante, a popular Mexican hot sauce.
Obama Vows To Spend Last Days In Office Collecting Guns & Bibles
by Mick Zano •
Washington—President Obama announced today he is not going to have a typical lame duck last term. For his final year in office, the President plans to acquire as many guns and Holy Bibles for his “personal collection” as possible. Obama told reporters, “I want to do something good while I’m still in office because, let’s face it, nothing good has happened so far. Heh, heh. I’m calling it: Operation 2nd Testament.”
Senator John Q. Republican was quick to condemn the move. “This is a clear attack on religion as well as our 2nd Amendment rights. If that Muslim son-of-a-burka comes anywhere near my gun or my Bible, I am going all Old Testament on his black ass. ”
Obama Calls For Calm As Portlandia Dispatches Troops To Counter Militia
by Mick Zano •
Kidding….they’re just heading to Colorado on a road trip.Developing: Town Of Helmand May Fall To Taliban
by Mick Zano •
On a more positive note: Helmand is kind of a shit hole anyway.
* The above image may not actually be the Afghani town of Helmand.
The Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial TV Shows Of All Time
by Mick Zano •
1. Despot Housewives
2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus
3. Arrested Dismemberment
4. Breaking Vlad
5. My So Called Rights