Cruz’s “Trapped In Box” Performance Wows New Hampshire Voters

by Mick Zano • February 7, 2016

Nashua, NH—Just days before the New Hampshire Primaries, Senator Ted Cruz strayed from the usual stump speech and broke into a dazzling mime act. He thrilled scores of Republican primary voters with his performance of: “Invisible border wall, built by Mexicans.” He then swung into a rousing rendition of: “Man trapped under crushing federal deficits.” Cruz then took a break from the action, which consisted of drinking from a cup of imaginary water, before resuming with: “Man walking against wind of Islamic extremism” and “Shrinking government and then drowning it in bathtub.” Then for his grand finale he performed a masterful: “Man climbing out from under overwhelming government regulation.”

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by Mick Zano • February 6, 2016

I’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.

“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”

This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.

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by Pierce Winslow • February 5, 2016

“I shall call him #2.”

—George W. Bush

by Pokey McDooris • February 4, 2016

You have nerve ridiculing the Republican primary process, Zano. You want to sound like you’re backing Bernie Sanders until he might actually win and then you start back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong in a sharknado. “But I danno if Sanders is electable in the general election.” Boo hoo. This is code for Closeted Hillary Supporter (CHS). Last year, I thought the election would come down to a stale contest between ‘Clinton v Bush.’ The Republicans have at least rejected a return to the past, yet Hillary Clinton remains the Dem darling. How is that progressive? Speaking of Progressive, my dream ticket is Flo and that guy from those Sonic commercials. Now they could really bring back America…with Freedom fries.

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by Mick Zano • February 3, 2016

Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.

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by Mick Zano • February 2, 2016

Uh oh, looks like Samuel is off his meds again.

by Mick Zano • February 1, 2016

Hacked Image Endangers At Least Two Students Who Claimed To Be “Studying”

by Mick Zano • January 31, 2016

Bernie Sanders has a crowd in Iowa right now that looks like a Beatles concert with Led Zeppelin opening. On the eve of the Iowa Caucuses and this incredibly important election I can’t help but think, what the hell is a caucus? I could Wiki this shit, but the NHL All Star game is about to start. I really don’t understand Iowa either. I’ve driven through it a couple of times…you know, to get to more primary states (badum, bump). Right now, I have to admit I’m scared blogless. I never wanted Hillary to be the Democratic nominee, but Bernie may not have the necessary independent appeal to win a general election. If Bloomberg enters the race, we could be facing a Republican supermajority and then, promptly, a failed state. That’s fine if you’re into that kind of thing. Banana Republican? Many believe the mindset of our country is essentially, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” I think what best captures our current Scheissgeist is more like, “We’re all dumb as hell and…look, a squirrel!”

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by Mick Zano • January 30, 2016

Secret Moon Base—After much consideration, the notorious Dr. Evil is considering a run for the highest office in the land. He is mainly joining the race because he believes the current frontrunners are all “A-holes”. Price is apparently no object for the super villain as he told the press today he is prepared to spend “gazillions” of dollars on his presidential aspirations. Dr. Evil said, “I will fund my own campaign, because you don’t want to see an evil genius tied to a lobbyists. It’s not fricken’ pretty.” He then personally thanked the “little people” for passing Citizens United and added, “Who do I make the check out to?”

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by Mick Zano • January 29, 2016

Paris, FR—Shortly after Trump’s unveiling a team of experts deemed the portrait “a complete fraud.” They were immediately suspicious of Donald Trump’s claim this was a portrait painted by Picasso himself. During a press conference, The Donald made several statements that raised questions about the painting’s authenticity. “Many years ago I commissioned Picasso to complete a self-portrait of myself. He did it, because the artists love me! They love me.”

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by Mick Zano • January 28, 2016

And Salmonella still has nothing to do with salmon.

by Mick Zano • January 27, 2016

Flint, MI—Two years ago the city of Flint, Michigan shifted to a more fiscally sound and sustainable water supply. Unfortunately lead has now completely contaminated the water supply as well as the people themselves. The Governor of Michigan, Rick Snyder, is now scrambling to fix the situation and minimize the health toll. At a town hall meeting, Governor Snyder proposed the construction of a giant Brita Tower. He explained, “I have found a way to make this happen. By getting Mexicans to build this thing, we can create this important filtration unit, lower taxes, and then permanently deport the illegal workers to Lansing. It’s win win win!”

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by Mick Zano • January 26, 2016

Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.

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by Mick Zano • January 25, 2016

Peru—Many in the country of Peru are furious with the construction of a Del Taco in the Middle of what many believe is an important Mayan archeological site. The CEO of Del Taco, Paul Murphy, was quick to respond, “Look, the Mayans already ruined the place, right? The operative words here are ‘ruins’ and ‘abandoned’, so placement of our facility at this location should only increase property value.”

The Mayans all but disappeared around 900 AD and lost any legal rights to the land in the 70s. There are many theories surrounding their disappearance, from Ancient Aliens to ancient value menus. As captain of team Search Truth Quest, I am not convinced they’re truly gone. Sure we haven’t seen any Mayans around in well over a thousand years, but the Aztecs were spotted as recently as Scooby Do and the Aztec Tomb.

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by Mick Zano • January 24, 2016

When it’s really her little blonde friend they should be worried about.

by Tony Ballz • January 23, 2016

Everyone was waiting for that third shoe to drop and there it went. First Lemmy, then Bowie, then … GLENN FREY? In the immortal (scripted) words of John Travolta, “What a gyp!” How did I hate the music of Glenn Frey? Gosh, let me count the ways: “Peaceful Easy Feeling,” “Take It Easy,” “Tequila Sunrise,” “Already Gone,” “Heartache Tonight,” and the truly despicable “Lyin’ Eyes,” all stomach churning monuments of utter suckitude.

And let’s not forget Glenny’s auspicious solo career outside The Eagles. Just have a look at these winners: “The One You Love,” “Smuggler’s Blues,” “Sexy Girl,” “Partytown,” and the two-headed saxophone monstrosities “The Heat Is On” and “You Belong to the City.” HRRPP! There goes breakfast, lunch AND dinner, all over my Miami Vice jacket.

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by Mick Zano • January 22, 2016

BernieVTrumpML

This rather extreme scenario, Bernie V Trump, may actually playout on the political stage. Granted, it may not go down exactly like the picture, but probably something pretty close. Folks are so disgusted with the establishment, we’re all fringing out. I fear liberals are moving too far ahead of today’s cultural psyche. We are not ready for a Bernie Sanders. Republicans are also too advanced…uh, were this the era when our oceans were dominated by those shelled squid-like things. Its amazing to me what the republican party has become, but what’s more amazing is how so few of them have seemed to notice.

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