Collapsing Shack, AZ—Most of us have our mental health ups and downs, or as I prefer to call them: 1. drinking or 2. working. Some people certainly have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I’m missing, besides talent and a life? Between dumpster diving and jamming out to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have discovered what these other Americans have going for them and where I may be lacking. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I don’t think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all of my hard work …or at least come to appreciate how you’re not as bad off as the old Bone Man.
The Ghost Dog Of Historic Brewing Company: Part 1
by Mr. Sherman •
Join team Search Truth Quest for one of their most controversial ghost hunts to date …but you shouldn’t date them.
Comprehensive Immigration Reform For Demies
by Pokey McDooris •
As our nation’s orthodox consciousness becomes corroded by Progressivism, words lose their meaning. Most Republicans are also falling into this senselessness. One perfect example is immigration reform. Democrats tell us that our immigration is “broken,” and therefore we need “comprehensive immigration reform.” On the surface, there’s some truth in that. Look Zano, I don’t disagree with your view of the state of our politics, my concern is in our ability to meaningfully engage on issues of concern. You are to “meaningful political discourse” as The Ghetto Shaman is to spiritual enlightenment. Bloghisattva?
This Day In Discord History
by Pierce Winslow •
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Alternate Street Parking
by Mick Zano •
Syria—The leader of ISIS, who wished to remain locationless, is claiming responsibility for what many in urban areas are calling “a major pain in the ass.” Alternate Street Parking remains a huge inconvenience for urban drivers, who risk fines or towing if they mistakenly park their car on the wrong side of the street overnight. Whereas Jihadists groups are claiming responsibility for this urban-fine-accruing-tactic (UFAT), many radicals groups are falling short of supporting downtown two-hour parking mandates and other meter-maid activities. “We may be jihadists, but we’re not complete assholes,” said local radical, Jihadi Jackson.
An Open Letter to Senator Pat Toomey: The Constitution… You’re Doing It Wrong
by Pierce Winslow •
Dear Mr. Toomey:
Can I call you Pat? Hey Pat, please stop that ad campaign during which you attempt to justify and seek approval for your abandonment of the U. S. Constitution. I’m tired of you telling me how it’s my choice as to who fills in the vacant Supreme Court seat. Personally, I would pick Brian Griffin from Family Guy. That’s why it’s not my, nor the American peoples’ choice. It is the choice of the guy the majority of the country duly elected to the Oval Office (twice). It is the sole decision of the Presidents Of The United States of America. I’m talking about Obama, not that band from the 90s. Millions of ImPeaches?
Hadron Collider Finds Evidence Of Benghazite: A Fictional Particle That Comprises Right Wing Scandals
by Mick Zano •
Newark, NJ—Scientists believe they have discovered evidence of the delusional particle responsible for a long list of misunderstood political scandals. Currently many false political narratives are only visible to republicans under the influence of AM radio or Fox News. Physicists at Newark’s Large Propaganda Taxsinkrotron collided a particle of feces with a particle of Newtrino. Physicist, Dr. Ramenoodledan, explains, “We obtained the feces from AM radio host Rush Limbaugh’s mouth and the Newtrino from one of Newt Gingrich’s x-wives. Upon smashing these two atoms together at near light speed, we believe we have discovered the building blocks of the Republican mythos.” The particle is being hailed as a major breakthrough in political low-energy physics. Jeb Bush was unavailable for comment.
Russia Decides To Pull Out Rather Than Risk Getting Syria Pregnant
by Mick Zano •
Discord Responds To Bill Maher’s Assertion: Better Ted Than Dead
by Mick Zano •
You Claim I Keep Ignoring Your Points, Pokey, Which Assumes You Have Some
by Mick Zano •
I’m not ignoring you, Pokey, you’re thinking of women. Booyah! Actually, I just don’t want to address the same issues more than an OCD stutterer with amnesia. I admit our society is growing a bit tone deaf these days, which is why I spend so much time discussing the cognitive distortions at play. In part, this is why I was forced to endorse Hillary Clinton. Despite some poll shifts, I still feel she’s more electable than Bernie. The main reason, you ask? The right wing’s attacks on her have become background noise. They exist a few frequencies higher than the sentient human ear can register. Although, I do admit I like to shout “Benghazi!” out my back window just to hear the inevitable barking.
Meanwhile, the “Bernie is a socialist” attacks will resonate with independents. These attacks won’t have any relevance, outside of the 1940s, but it’s not about merit anymore, is it? I am going to answer ALL of the questions from your last post, Pokey, line by punch-line. More importantly, it will read like Blazing Saddles meets The Pythonian Grail, because first and foremost this is a comedy site! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.
“I can’t do this again, Pokey. The only real deficit is your understanding of history. How about a comprise on this one? Let’s shrink Rush Limbaugh to a size we can drown him in a bathtub?”
Dear Zano: You Make An Over-Caffeinated Squirrel With ADHD Seem Attentive
by Pokey McDooris •
I must say, Zano, ninety percent of what you write has nothing to do with my articles and the other ten percent seems to involve midget porn. Back in the day, when we’d watch the McLaughlin Group, I don’t remember that being such a prominent issue in world affairs. We need to find a way to agree on the basics! On this rag, you always seem like you’re debating some fundamentalist caricature of myself. You did recently make one very important point. You identified the third reason for Trump’s appeal as the dissatisfaction of both Republicans and Democrats. At least we can agree on that. I have my own list of key problems our country faces and, no surprise, it differs from yours.
I Just Ate An Entire Can of Hormel Chili: Should I Call 911 Or Poison Control?
by Mick Zano •
Voter Suppression 101: Arizona Anecdotal? My Ass
by Mick Zano •
Yes, The Discord guy didn’t get to vote in the AZ Primaries. Voting was a shit show in my state last week, even by normal Arizona “standards”. Here was the excuse:
When you changed your address, maybe you failed to fill out the voter demographic part properly.
Uh, I haven’t moved, unless you’re talking about moving from the sofa to the fridge, which is still bullshit because I have people for that. I registered as a Dem in 2008 to vote for Obama, so those claiming user-error are mistaken. They always pull this crap. This is the GOP’s Modus Operandi, who I refuse to denigrate in this post. For our Republican friends, “Modus Operandi” means “standard operating procedure.” Republicans are Constitutionalists in the same way that ISIS is a team of archeologists. Rapers of the Lost Ark? Raiders of the Lost AARP? No, seriously, this is a question… I’m trying to slam both ISIS and Republicans in the same joke. ISIS Shrugged? There you go, Zano. I knew you could do it. Let the suppression begin!
Pending Trump Nomination Spurs Bipartisan Effort To Contact Alien Life
by Mick Zano •
In Related News:
The folks over at SETI are transmitting a massive farting sound into deep space.
Liberal Calls For The Creation of Wild-Vote Preserves To Protect Last Conservatives
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—Despite their inherent voter suppression, gerrymandering, and white privilege, one liberal is defending the actions of conservatives. Sandra Smith of Burlington is insisting we protect the ideologically-impaired among us. “Although they still wield considerable power,” said Ms. Smith, “the long term prospects for the Grand Old Party is dim. As their habitat dwindles, they will likely become even more desperate. We can not allow them to radicalize. They are already relegated to our shittiest states and our shittiest cities, where they will likely continue to frack things up.” Ms. Smith fears citizens only capable of regurgitating Fox News talking points will grow increasingly isolated and disenfranchised. Despite their confusion and questionable tactics, Smith believes the reality-impaired among us should not be discriminated against for their bigotry, religiosity, or anti-intellectual orientation.
Trump Vineyards Releases A Very White Winfandel
by Mr. Sherman •
Man In Gorilla Suit Eaten By Sasquatch
by Mick Zano •
Bend, OR—A man attempting to hoax some hikers in the Pacific Northwest was attacked and devoured by an angry sasquatch earlier today. One witness claims, “It was the most horrifyingly hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. You shit your pants, then you giggle, then you shit your pants some more, and then you giggle again. It was total side-sharting laughter.” Another witness added, “I’m glad my whole family was there to see this. I think some day we’ll all look back on this incident and say it was worth the therapy.”
Count Chocula Dead Of Diabetes At 387
by Mick Zano •
Mick Zano Felt “The Bern” At The Sanders’ Rally: Ointment Sold Separately
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—The above image caused me some Facebook controversy. Not because The Discord already endorsed Hillary, which would make sense, but because I was seen fraternizing in Flagstaff with a flaming fanatical. Oh, the horror! Sorry if amidst the waning days of our democracy I want to hear a presidential candidate speak. I would love to hear a Republican candidate speak, when they learn how. Your party is nominating a fascist, so forgive me if I don’t give a flying %^&$ if America slides dangerously close to Toronto-style policies. Check please! No really, hockey’s much better than football. [Winslow: Other sports are for people that can’t play hockey] I am in no way comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was smart. If you liked capitalism so much, maybe you shouldn’t have broken it. This is why we don’t have nice things. Anyway, I have more important things to discuss today, like why The Discord’s anchor Bradly Bradfordson made the front page of The Daily Sun? Why was my image relegated to some Bernie Meetup group? Damn you, Bradford!