Driving Miss Crazy: Will Trump Trigger GOP Reform Or Is This An Extinction Level Event?

by Mick Zano • August 14, 2016

Sorry Republicans, but the DNC was a fairly impressive display. It delivered what the RNC never could, complete sentences. It was a shame how Putin and friends stole the libs mojo right before Act 1. Cossack Thunder? Oh, and I saw my first Hillary bumper sticker the other day! It was on the back of a limo, followed by a fleet of other limos …in Philadelphia …during the convention. Well, at least Hillary is ready for Hillary. One down, 57 million to go! I’d say she has two votes in the bag, but Bill always cheats when you leave him alone for five minutes. Proposition 69? If The GOP continues to get worse at math, maybe she can win the presidency with fewer electoral college votes. We’ll just tell Donald it’s like golf, the lowest score wins. No matter what happens in November, I remain proud of our current President. I know a lot of folks will be glad to see the Obamas go, but eventually you will come to realize how the highest office in the land demands a thoughtful/intelligent person. Kidding, Republicans are to realization as Cthulhu is to mindfulness.

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by Dr. Kwela Juluka • August 13, 2016

Contrary to considerable negative public opinion, I must assert that Donald J. Trump is perhaps the best thing to happen to America in its entire history. His peculiar qualifications, non-conventional psychological constitution, and remarkable absence of self-control make him a distinctly influential political player. He has single-handedly ripped the shrouds of ambiguity and obfuscation off the face of the Republican Party, revealing in stark clarity the fundamental beliefs of his party.

“Donald is to politics what the Corvair was to automobiles, what lead was to house paint, what unsealed Tylenol was to the pharmaceutical bottle industry.”

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by Mick Zano • August 11, 2016

Laguna Beach, CA—The republican party became stranded in shallow waters earlier today and was quickly surrounded by sharks and devoured. Witnesses claim the political party became confused and seemed disoriented. One witnesses states, “The GOP was babbling to itself and then blundered into the water, while shouting obscenities directed at a flock of seagulls.” The 80s band Flock of Seagulls, best known for the song I ran, was unavailable for comment.

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by Mick Zano • August 10, 2016

It seemed like only yesterday Trump was on point, because, well, it was only yesterday. The day before this gaffe-free-anomaly he was attacking babies and doubling-down on his criticism of the father of a fallen soldier. Today, back on course, Trump called for the assassination of his political opponent. No wonder he’s so fond of Putin. If they ever got married how would they pull off a reception with both KGB and KKK in attendance? Luckily Putin is staunchly homophobic and probably has his male lovers killed. Hey, but maybe if this doesn’t work out they can still be poison pen pals?

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by Mick Zano • August 9, 2016

Really heartland? I would expect this kind of electoral shenanigans from the Bronx.

by Mick Zano • August 8, 2016

Would Donald Trump make a more or less effective president with microcephaly?

by Mick Zano • August 7, 2016

The Toxic Avenger is an early favorite in the debris slalom.

by Mick Zano • August 6, 2016

Let’s downgrade all Republican cognitive thought distortions to simply distortions as cognition has little to do with it. Today’s GOP is so far from the truth even Fox Mulder is like, “Damn, that’s some crazy conspiracy shit.” The closest they ever get to reality is the coveted half-truth. The half-truth is out there? The nonsense espoused at the recent RNC is proof that logic no longer has a place amidst this Angry Mob of Misinformed ‘Muricans. AMMM radio?

Sure the GOP would argue its relevance, but if you are still processing information accurately then how come you’re always wrong? ….or, more accurately, wronger? Vote for the tyrant for freedom! End taxes to pay down the deficit! No safety net for wellbeing! No unions for the worker! Unnecessary wars to victory! No regs for the rapture! With this approach to reality, how are we ever going to pay for Herr Trump’s annexation of Canada? Wait… I think what the GOP is doing might actually be a form of thought, just the opposite. Noruens? How about contra-cognitions? …no? Reverse politistalsis?

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by Mick Zano • August 4, 2016

by Mick Zano • August 2, 2016

New York, NY—Donald J. Trump is once again defending his controversial comments today. During an interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace, Mr. Trump attempted to defend his earlier comments regarding the U.S.’s ongoing defense of our NATO allies. “Take Japan,” said Trump. “I used to be in the protection racquet and you pay for that. Everyone pays for that. Back in school you were protected in exchange for your lunch money, but for a whole country the price goes up. I admit we should help in the case of a Godzilla thing. That’s more of a humanitarian crisis. We do have to ask ourselves, though, why does Godzilla only attack Tokyo? It’s their capital. That overgrown GEICO spokesperson is trying to tell us something. What did the Japanese do to piss him off? Godzilla is not going to take any crap. There’s no crap with Godzilla, which is why there’s a place for him in my cabinet. It’s a big cabinet, gold-plated too. Maybe Japan needs to be a little more like Godzilla and a little less like those other monsters always getting their asses kicked. Japan is the loser monster and rules are rules. And the rules are the loser monster has to give me their lunch money.”

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by Mick Zano • August 1, 2016

There is a rumor he will be part of the torching of the bay ceremony.

by Mick Zano • July 31, 2016

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump arrives at a campaign event at Trump Doral golf course in Miami, Florida, U.S., July 27, 2016. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri Trump Tower—Presidential nominee Donald Trump is making disturbing claims about the origins of his presidential aspirations. When asked about his initial desire to seek the highest office in the land, Mr. Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer, “I started playing this game, Slenderman. Little by little I was playing it all the time. I barely had time to file for bankruptcy. Kidding! I have people for that. Eventually the character started talking to me. I mean, really talking to me, like directly into my soul.”

The Trump campaign is backing off this initial claim and released the statement, “It is highly unlikely The Donald even has a soul.”

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by Mick Zano • July 27, 2016

Washington, DC—The head of the Libertarian Party, Gary Johnson, is suggesting one more combined convention to kind of “clear the air a bit” and settle some important scores. “I think it’s really important to allow people to vent,” said Johnson. “When we had a disagreement back in the day, my father used to just let my brothers and I duke it out on the front lawn …with semi automatic weapons. It builds character.”

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by Mick Zano • July 26, 2016

The boys are back in town! Although in this one they play alien girls.

by Mick Zano • July 25, 2016

Holy crap! I tried to watch the Republican convention, operative word tried. It’s like that commercial, wherein no one wants to call the insurance guy, so they pretend to be doing chores. Oh, Christie’s speaking? I have to sharpen those pencils in the bottom drawer. I haven’t used a pencil since the Reagan years, but you never know. Oh, Ernst is on? I’m going to take out the garbage, or make some garbage so I can then take it out. I only made it ten seconds into Giuliani’s screech, before I was deciding which items in the freezer could be thrown out during McConnell. Who could forget Rudy Giuliani? …you know, the guy best known for wandering the streets on 9/11 (but only because he was stupid enough to put his command center in Tower Two). And when I say 9/11, I mean Benghazi. You may not be aware, but the country is still recovering from Benghazi. The GOP is like some Munchausen’s sufferer with a head injury. Stop dragging America into the emergency room, Republicans! I know it’s covered under Obamacare now, but it’s still a dick move. Every time I heard the word Benghazi, I went somewhere in my mind… to Benghazi actually, which seemed a much more stable place than the Republican National Convention.

Don’t worry, folks, I will cover the shit show on the left in my next article.

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by Mick Zano • July 24, 2016

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is “appalled”, but Bernie Sanders is “satisfied” with the decision.

by Mick Zano • July 22, 2016

If an election lasts more than four more months, seek immediate political assistance.

by Mick Zano • July 21, 2016

Sorry for the redo, but this one just captures the essence of the RNC.

by Mick Zano • July 20, 2016

Cleveland, OH—Melania Trump attempted to explain allegations that parts of her speech at the RNC convention was plagiarized from an earlier Michelle Obama speech. Mrs. Trump told the press, “I am willing to look at what happened, because the unexamined life is not worth living.” She then went on to say, “The only thing to fear about plagiarism is plagiarism itself. A speech by any other name would sound as sweet. One small speech for man, one giant leap for mankind,” and finally, “Ask not what my husband can do for you, but what you can do for my husband.”

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