GOP Establishment Insists Trump “Step Aside For Even Bigger Asshole”

by Mick Zano • October 8, 2016

“Does Sarah Palin have a family member out humping a sheep somewhere who can stand in?”

—John Q. Republican

by Mick Zano • October 7, 2016

Dear David Frum, start a new party, sincerely Reality. To take a page from Trump, how about some 2nd Amendment options? I think your party needs to be taken out back and shot. There used to be a counterpart to liberal excesses. Back in the day, I would even talk about the sane Republicans like George Will, Andrew Sullivan, David Frum and Damon Linker. Today, it’s kind of a last man standing thing. All but Frum left the GOP (with prejudice). Mr. Frum understands why George Will recently called it quits and yet he remains bent on reforming this seemingly hopeless party. After watching the VP debate, your alternate reality is complete. You have a megalomaniacal ass-clown as your nominee and an evangelical reality-denier VP, who “won” the debate by denying everything his boss said. Nothing to see here. When it came to foreign policy questions, Pence’s views are beyond historical revisionism; it’s historical negationism. Your party is like watching the Aytollaha at the Holocaust Museum or Senator James “Snowball” Inhofe at Glacier National Park. Can I make a citizens arrest on an entire political party? Pull over to the curb, hands where I can see them (bang). Oops, I thought your Bible was loaded. Sorry, no indictment. The NRA bumper sticker was probable cause.

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by Mick Zano • October 6, 2016

by Mick Zano • October 4, 2016

“This might really bring the show Jackass up a notch next season.” —Jeremy Clarkson

by Mick Zano • October 3, 2016

Deep Face—Scientists originally believed repeated radio bursts from space could be explained by colliding pulsars or giant rocks humping each other somewhere in the asteroid belt. This all changed recently when a scientist was able to match radio waves with a Rush Limbaugh segment on why Obama hates America. Dean Steller, head of the Chipotle Observatory over on Milton, explains, “I don’t want to Rush to conclusions. Get it? Anyway, fat radio bursts (FRBs) remained an unexplained phenomenon until one of our interns happened to be listening to Rush Limbaugh at work. He noted how several of these radio bursts appeared on our sensors at precisely those moments when Limbaugh was on a ranty roll. They matched up perfectly during particularly heated exchanges. Oh, and yes we fired the intern for political reasons.”

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by Mick Zano • October 2, 2016

As it turns out, there’s only three Hispanics voting for Trump and they prefer the word Latino.

by Mick Zano • September 29, 2016

Anxiety is on the rise in this country and all this extra cortisol in the air is starting to stress me out. After reading a recent New York Times article I realized someone who knows about politics and anxiety should cover this topic ….with jokes! This NYT piece, which used Google-search trends as evidence, suggests our country’s recent stress-spike is not due to either Trump, Hillary or ISIS. As it turns out, poverty may be the biggest determinate of anxiety. This is no surprise when one considers Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We all know what happens during a zombie apocalypse, and in parts of the Middle East such an event would go unnoticed. The Walking Daesh? My colleague Pokey thinks this Mess-o-patamia is due entirely to ideology. He is neglecting our own involvement, oil revenues, The UN, despots, rampant poverty, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. So why are 99.99% of American Muslims behaving, Poke? Did I mention Maslow? It’s much harder to radicalize someone with a full belly and a roof over their head. In fact, American Muslims are behaving even amidst this heightened redneck retaliations (RNR). Hey New York Times, I found a correlation of my own between ‘free tequila’ and instances of drunken mosque vandalism. In related Google-search trend news, Midget Porn has finally surpassed Hot Asian Sluts! Why not take a fiver NYT guy, and let the spoof newser take it from here?

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by Mick Zano • September 28, 2016

by Mick Zano • September 27, 2016

Babbling incoherently really resonated with American voters.

by Mick Zano • September 26, 2016

Syriaously! Just sit back and watch the fun begin! Results may vary.

by Mick Zano • September 25, 2016

CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the debate, CNN’s Lester Holt, explains, “Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar this complicates our job tremendously. Sure most politicians lie, but if everything coming out of one of the debater’s mouths is utter nonsense, we’re going to need a lot more time to fact-check in real time. Otherwise Trump could win the debate without even mistakenly saying something accurate.”

Bill Maher is on record as stating, “Leave Real Time out of this, please.”

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by Mick Zano • September 24, 2016

Springfield, OH—Fourth grade teacher at Roosevelt Elementary School, Janice Mackenzie, invited Hillary Clinton to a scheduled class debate. Mrs. Mackenzie told the Discord today, “This is the perfect year. The kids are really obnoxious and seem almost feral. I think it’s the perfect environment to prepare Secretary Clinton for Monday night’s debate. I asked my class to study Donald Trump’s debate-style, or lack thereof, and I even promised extra points for any relevant disparaging remarks regarding Rosie O’Donnell.”

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by Mick Zano • September 22, 2016

by Mick Zano • September 21, 2016

by Mick Zano • September 19, 2016

Kidding, I want a competency evaluation for the entire Republican establishment. Kidding, there is no longer a Republican establishment. Kidding, it’s established but need not be. Let me start again: our VP candidate, Mike Pence, is apparently a huge Dick ….Cheney fan. Some of you may remember Cheney as the guy touting a 13% approval rating at the end of his tenor. The man who is still giving Obama foreign policy advice despite a scathing intelligence report released this friggin’ week. Essentially this latest report identifies the invasion of Iraq as the event that ultimately threw a lifeline to jihadism and helped spread terrorism globally. It was the single worst foreign policy decision since Nam, but it will have much longer global ramifications. The world has still not recovered from Cheney’s recklessness and may never. He should not be venerated. In fact, if you still believe in the rule of law he should be hung. Maybe Pence is also hung and, if frequently aroused, this could impact blood flow to the brain. [Dick Brainy joke removed by the editor.]

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by Mick Zano • September 17, 2016

Romanticism is an oft-neglected aspect of the delusional Republican landscape that I call the TwiRight Zone. Our conservative friends are desperately trying to salvage their legacy. Social media is awash with folks evoking Lincoln for some scant validation. Could you imagine Lincoln on Hannity? “Excuse me, young man, but I am late for a play …I know, son, but unlike you I can choose the lesser of two evils. Now if you’ll excuse me.” See? I have much more in common with Lincoln! We would both rather be shot in the head than sit through Hannity. It gets worse. Republicans can’t seem to acknowledge how our political platforms switched around the time of the Civil War. Do you really think you were the progressive types at the end of the 19th century? Really? Were you the folks creating the underground railroad, or is it more likely you were cutting holes in some sheets? Yeah, I can see the carriage bumper sticker now: KKK is OKKK with Emancipation! So you don’t fall victim to similar blunders in the future, here’s an easy trick: if it’s something that history judged meaningful or good, you voted against it.

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by Mick Zano • September 16, 2016

And now for my shocked face.

by Mick Zano • September 13, 2016

The latest Discord poll indicates Donald Trump has jumped to a 12 point lead with lab chimps and other primates. Republicans may not believe in evolution, but Trump plans to ride this wave of primate support all the way to the White House. Zoologist Dian Fossey is disturbed by these numbers, “I lived with a family of gorillas in the mist and I really thought I understood them. Now I feel it was all a lie and maybe we should go with my first idea to just process them for their ivory.” When explained she is likely thinking of elephants and rhinos, she said, “I thought Rinos were Republican In Name Only? Very little ivory in those.”

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