Trump To Tour Arkham Asylum To Vet Potential Cabinet Members

by Mick Zano • November 15, 2016

Gotham City—The nation watches in anticipation as the president-elect, Donald Trump, vets key members of his future administration. He has chosen to shift the focus of his search to Arkham, an infamous Asylum for the criminally insane. Will his cabinet include Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich, or the Penguin? Dr. Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, will be conducting Tuesday’s tour of the facility and grounds. “He should think outside the isolation room for this one,” said Dr. Crane. “I hope he considers some of the lesser known talent, hidden away deep in the bowels of this important institution. Either Atomic-Man or the Electrocutioner would be well-suited to head the Department of Energy, and both of them have pending parole hearings. Two-Face would make the perfect Secretary of State and Mr. Freeze could single handedly combat global warming, well, if you believe in that sort of thing.”

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by Mick Zano • November 14, 2016

by Mick Zano • November 13, 2016

Sumer—The ancient Sumerian god, Gozer the Gozerian, is in the news again today after appearing on a rooftop building in the Big Apple. This malevolent deity known by many names, such as The Traveler, The Destructor and Sonny, is set to destroy the planet on January 20th. Zuul the Gatekeeper, and Vince Clortho, the Key Master, arrived ahead of Gozer in the shape of giant hounds. The Gozerian then asked a representative of mankind, in this case a Republican from Queens, how he would like the world to end. The god was reportedly as “surprised as anyone” that a New Yorker chose the form of Donald Trump for this grim task.

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by Mick Zano • November 12, 2016

Hey, but maybe those intelligence briefings will start rubbing off.

by Mick Zano • November 12, 2016

Michael Pence is someone who’s been on the edge of my radar for a long time. This man is evil. His positions have always been a little too fire-and-brimstone for my tastes. There was a time when such beliefs were at the cutting edge of mankind’s collective consciousness …you know, like a thousand years ago. So what can we expect from the VP-elect? Lots of scandals, great scandals. The best scandals! Whereas Cheney was more of a Bond villain criminal-mastermind type, Pence will be more of the evangelical, holy warrior dropped-on-his-head-as-a-child-by-God type. Keep in mind, this group has a considerably lower IQ than the Bushies. Roll that around in your mouth for while. Actually, don’t do that. That’s probably how Ebola started.

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by Mick Zano • November 11, 2016

Feel The Byrne, MFs!

by Mick Zano • November 10, 2016

Washington, DC—President-elect Donald J. Trump stood definitely in front of the South Lawn entrance of the White House and urinated in a bush. Just a little. He then, with magnificent bladder control, the best bladder control, repeated the procedure in several bushes before entering the White House. A group of reporters shouted questions at Trump. One asked if he planned to also pee inside the White House. Donald Trump told reporters, after the shake, “All options are on the table and, yes, I will be peeing on the table.” He then turned to face reporters with a zip. “I plan to work closely with Mr. Obama over the next ten weeks, so close that, yes, I will mark him as well. (Grunt). This transition will be quick and smooth as I am now the top dog. I have the best transition people working on this. And Melania has already picked out the color scheme and the statues and those Vegas column facades. Gold will be very prominent, because after I screw this shit up we’re going to need to hock that shit.”

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by Mick Zano • November 10, 2016

I know these little talks haven’t helped, much ‘Murica, but hope springs eternal.

by Mick Zano • November 9, 2016

Moscow—Russian President, and now U.S. President, Vladimir Putin is denying any wrongdoing in the outcome of the U.S. presidential election on Tuesday. The final tally shows him defeating both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump by a landslide. As a write-in candidate, Putin topped 75 million votes in Newark, New Jersey alone. After CNN called the election moments after polls opened, Putin had this to say, “Even though I am not technically registered in any of the 50 states, that I now rule over, we will leave the final decision up to the Supreme Court that I just appointed, last night. Sorry, I flunked out of electoral college.”

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by Pierce Winslow • November 9, 2016

Zano seems to get everything right except election outcomes. You’re fired, Zano!

by Mick Zano • November 8, 2016

by Mick Zano • November 7, 2016

Reno, NV—Donald Trump was ushered off stage Saturday by Secret Service amidst a campaign rally after one of his supporters shouted “Fire Him!” in a crowded theater. Although the incident in Reno proved to be a false alarm, the Secret Service is hailing the event as “good preparation” for the increased challenges and risks associated with keeping a dictatorial moron safe for the next 4 to 8 years. The Secret Service will be conducting more such drills and expanding their repertoire to include nuclear drills, chemical warfare drills, as well as Rosie O’Donnell Sniper-attack Incident Exercises (ROSIEs).

We asked the head of the Secret Service, Bob, what a Trump Administration might mean for his organization. “We plan to be ready for all contingences,” said Bob. “It’s going to be like Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen and ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ combined. On that note, we’re going to get him one of those Life Alert bracelets too. If we’re all partying hard in the Blue Room, we’ll just let those people handle it. We are also upgrading our nuclear war drills. Now we all crawl under the same grade-school desk for safety. It’s kind of like when a bunch of people climb into VW Bug. If Trump wins, we’re going to have grade-school desks scattered all around the White House, so we can have a safe location for Mr. Trump to tweet the nuclear codes #1234567BOOM!.”

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by Mick Zano • November 6, 2016

“How indictments work, Comey, learn you must.” —Yoda

by Mick Zano • November 6, 2016

Yes, we went there. This will never happen Abedin …I mean again.

by Mick Zano • November 5, 2016

Now you begin to understand why our sports section sucks so bad.

by Mick Zano • November 3, 2016

How is a Trump Administration still a thing in November 2016? Extinction is fine, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. Why are patriotic people so bent on our destruction? Some of you are saying, “It’s all of the Hillary scandals!” You are correct, you simply neglected to add the word ‘bullshit’ before the word scandals. The Hillary witch hunt is perhaps the greatest affront to reason in the 21st century, and that’s saying something when republican’s comment on stuff everyday. I find myself in the strange position of defending the Great White Pantsuit. A summary of her scandals range from no wrong doing, all the way to very little wrongdoing. Wow. You do know she’s a politician, right? Can we at least agree on that much? There’s no way anyone in history could withstand this kind of decade-after-decade scrutiny, yet she remains strong. Let’s compare her with the best R president in the last fifty years, who illegally funded the Iran Contras and helped create Al-Qaeda. Out of respect, I left out his questionable performance in Bedtime For Bonzo. Hillary would have created Al-Qaeda, but she was too busy creating ISIS.

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by Mr. Sherman • November 1, 2016

Sorry, we have to play this bit again as we never actually did release the final episode.

I know, I know …we sacked that guy. Are you really surprised? No, you’re not.

by Mick Zano • October 31, 2016

by Mick Zano • October 30, 2016

Chicago—Pilots were forced to abort American Airlines flight 383 to Miami just before take off at O’Hare Airport after the plane suddenly burst into flames. The incident was originally deemed a rare type of engine failure, however, upon listening to the infamous black box a more sinister plot emerged. The plane itself discussed, in chilling detail, its plan to self-destruct while on the tarmac. Flight investigator Bob said, “This is unprecedented. Gremlins I can understand, like in that Zone episode. Remember that? Oh, and plenty of cars seem to get possessed all the time, like in that Stephen King novel, but a plane? It makes me wonder if all those Malaysian flights were just protesting poor work conditions, or something.”

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