Trump Wall Mistakenly Built Around Mexican Hat, Utah

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Mexican Hat, UT—The 27 residence of Mexican Hat, Utah were shocked by the commotion early Monday morning. Many community members report being awoken to the work of hundreds of Mexicans, busily erecting a giant structure around their town. Mayor Bob was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. “I know those are both synonymous,” said Mayor Bob, “but it’s still true. We are 600 miles from the Mexican border. I don’t know how this will stop immigration. What this will do is negatively impact all five of our businesses here in town. He’s not even president yet, so what does that asshole think he’s doing? Mr. Trump tear down this wall!”

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Bannon: Unsure If He Can Hide The Hitler Mustache For Next Four Years

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neofascist-trump-appointee-banno-378x230mlTweet Tower—Donald Trump’s chief White House strategist, Stephen “Steve” Bannon is unsure if his finger will be enough to hide his small Hitler-style mustache throughout the entire Trump Administration. Mr. Bannon, best known for a slew of disreputable websites such as Breitbart.com, told The Discord, “I have been using several techniques to cover the stashe, such as the cough, sneezing fit, or, for long meetings, epic prayer stance. I was thinking about just buying the smallest spit mask I can find on eBay. It would hide the Hitler mustache and, let’s face it, a spit mask is Trumppropriate. That’s a word now, well, it will be when Trumpipedia replaces those Wiki fucks. In fact, I think he’s going to make his Secretary of State where steampunk goggles and a mohawk. This is going to be a badass administration, or just bad and ass.”

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America Has Transitioned From Deafcon-2 (Post-truth) to Trumpcon-1 (Post-political)

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the-godfather-1972-movie-poster-donald-trumpThis isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep at this point. Trumptophan? In 2017 why bother having a political opinion at all? Our political fortunes are akin to Sartre and Camus collaborating on a country western song during a Walking Dead episode. So let’s focus on what matters now, hoarding Ramen. If you’ve read some Zano, my political posts are essentially a funny, yet damning indictment of the party that will eventually be our undoing. Despite my 11 followers, the political right has grown into the strong, delusional force that we see today. It’s not histrionics to say we’re history. Them’s the facts. Now that the republicans have a super majority, let’s channel some Zevon as our ride is here. So I propose a toast, to being toast!

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Breaking: Castro Trampled In Miami Walmart!

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castrowalmartmlMiami, Fl—News is breaking that Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro did not die peacefully in his Havana Home as initial reports suggested. The Cuban leader was apparently trampled to death after a fight for the last pair of Bluetooth earbuds at a Walmart Supercenter in east Miami. Fidel Castro’s brother, Raul, made a statement to the press, explaining how his brother “hated his shitty earbuds” and wanted something he could “really jam to.” Raul warns his brother’s death has once again escalated tensions between the U.S. and Cuba. “We are calling this the Cuban Headphone Crisis, even though it didn’t happen in Cuba,” said Raul. “We are working on a better name.”

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Spewnami? Discord’s Zano Unleashes All The Beer He’s Been Chugging Since Election Day

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Flagstaff, AZ—The town of Flagstaff is still under several feet of foam at this hour after The Discord’s Mick Zano vomited in Biblical proportions. One hipster who witnessed the event described it as “retching some serious suddage.” Satellite imagery shows a foam flow not seen in the southwest since Zano attended Matt Mathewson’s Naked Hillbilly Party last spring. Just as Donald Trump became the projected winner, the Discord contributor began chugging massive quantities of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Zano explains, “I have to acclimate to shitty beer now, since the election of Ass-Clown Hitler. Drinking large amounts seemed justified in light of the economic carnage to come. Masochism is fine, I suppose, in the right club, in the right mood, wearing the right Wonder Woman costume. I Marvel how Republicans still think they’re right about stuff, and not in a cool Gotham-vigilante kind of way.”

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On Day One Trump To Pardon All Of His Campaign Promises

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Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump released his reversed agenda today in a series of presidential Tweets. Apparently, he is already reneging on his promise to throw Hillary Clinton in jail, which has angered several of his top aides as well as former President Bill Clinton, who shouted, “Donald! I thought we had a deal, you bastard!” Mr. Trump is also backing down on his immigration policy, marriage equality, and the war on drugs. There is even a rumor Trump plans to keep Obamacare, but just change the name to TrumpNOcare. The President-elect told The Discord today, “I’m going to keep all of the good stuff, like the death panels, enrollment complications, and even those soaring premiums everyone’s been talking about. And you can’t change your mind on something like climate change, because the word change is right in the title.”

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Man To Dedicate Next Four Years To Correcting Pro-Trump Racist Graffiti

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092f8c7e-d43f-49fd-b1eb-a9e673aad9e2-400Cleveland, OH—Trump supporter, Benjamin Meanie, is angry with the quality of the graffiti turning up on the buildings and vehicles in his city. He vows to roam the streets correcting the spelling, grammar, and even the content of any and all pro-Trump vandalism. “I support all the bigotry and hatred, but I still long for a day when our movement is not associated with ignorance. I will review all of the graffiti in my town and beyond, in the hope of eventually creating a single clear message of HATE. How can we ever get anywhere with: Hung All The Neggers! It implies our work is already done. And what exactly is a Negger anyway? We need to get our message honed and focused to laser sharp precision, before laser-targeting the chests of minorities.”

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Trump’s Chief Strategist Implicated As Man Behind Creepy Clown Phenomenon

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Trump Tower—A drunk Stephen Bannon reported for work today, having neglected to take off some of his costume from the previous night. Mr. Bannon’s unpredictable behavior as Trump’s new chief-strategist has sent shockwaves across the internet. Many are implicating Bannon as the force behind the creepy clown phenomenon. President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler told reporters, “Bannon is a creep and he is a clown, but that’s as far as it goes. He’s not, nor has he ever been, a creepy clown at the same time. Let’s get one thing straight, no one I am going to hire is going to be able to multitask. I get a lot of crap about not being inclusive. I like clowns. In fact, I plan to fill the White House with them. This is me being inclusive. There’s plenty of room in the GOP tent for clowns. Just as long as whatever is under all that face paint is white.”

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