SpaceX Successfully Lands Rocket On Trump’s Ego

by Mick Zano • January 17, 2017

Wow! And this is just the pre-inauguration festivities! For the big day The Donald is also planning to have a number of liberal journalists shot out of cannons in sync to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

by Mick Zano • January 16, 2017

CIA Headquarters—CIA director John Brennan took offense to Trump’s recent comment comparing the U.S. intelligence community to Nazi Germany. He warned the President-elect, “The CIA is not going to put up with your bullshit, mister. Someone had the same little chat with JFK.” He then called the recent disparaging remarks aimed at the intelligence community as “bigly dumb” and “wanktankerous”. The CIA Director then later admitted he made up the last word at a bar, during happy hour, at his favorite pub. Once sober, Brennan told the press his comments were still appropriate and later added, “Even the wanktankerous part.”

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by Mick Zano • January 15, 2017

Oz—After much ado about show biz, the oldest and most famous circus of all time will end all performances in May of 2017. Chairman and CEO Kenneth Feld explains, “I made the difficult business decision that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus cannot continue under a Trump Administration. We have elephants, they are elephants. We have clowns, they are clowns. We can’t balance our budget anymore, and they never could, yada yada. Granted Republicans are a little more akin to a theater of the bizarre, but this industry has become like mass-producing those hobo-clown collectibles, sad and redundant.”

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by Mick Zano • January 15, 2017

We just did! Fake News Central wants a full blown investigation! Or at least a TSA-style pat down.

by Mick Zano • January 14, 2017

This goes for the Democratic Congress as well! Big Discord is watching.

by Mick Zano • January 13, 2017

Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”

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by Mick Zano • January 12, 2017

The incoming administration will thrust our nation into one of the darker corners of The TwiRight Zone. The historical two punch resembles bookends: on one side we have 9/11, or more accurately our piss poor reaction to it, and on the other we have President Donald J. Trump. This election hit me harder than 9/11 as The Donald personifies our nation’s ideological, educational and developmental deficiencies. The Underachievables? Post 9/11, we watched W. gut our foreign policy safeguards, suspend habeas corpus, torture some folks, and then created the Orwellianesque NSA and drone program we enjoy today. Thoughtful discretion ruled for the last eight years, but now we are handing these expanded powers to a man child with an even more expanded ego. The Donald aims to finish what Incurious George started, so check please! And balances please! Kidding, those will become harder to find than a water filter in Flint, Michigan under Trump’s new EPA pick. David Frum and others believe our Constitutional firewalls will hold. They are wrong. Trump will rule like a strong man, well, a strong man with a brain-eating bacteria. Trumptofuccus? Somewhere President Samuel Adams is rolling over in his brewery.

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by Mick Zano • January 11, 2017

Plymouth, MA—Much to the relief of our Founding Fathers, the ghost of King George III has graciously accepted their spirits back into the bosom of mother England. The group hopes to reach the Cardiff shipyards before the inauguration of Donald J. Trump on January 19th. The group’s initial request for soul citizenship in 2004 was denied, but now the ghost of King George has had a change of heart. The King released a statement today. “Having those sniveling upstarts come crawling back kind of eases the blow of the whole Brexit thing. We’re going to make them haunt the Duchess of York, and that British wanker in charge of the Deepwater Horizon.”

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by Mick Zano • January 10, 2017

The agenda for day two involves peasant skeet shooting.

by Mick Zano • January 8, 2017

It Always Takes A Batman To Take Out A Joker

by Mick Zano • January 7, 2017

This is the Discord staff’s choice for the top 10 funniest movies of all time:

1. Zoolander

2. Zoolander

3. Zoolander 2

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by Mick Zano • January 6, 2017

America is hooked on a feeling. A recent poll suggests more than 60% of our country is optimistic about a future under Trump. How do this many people get dropped on their head as children? I’m talking to you Child Protective Services. Wait, I’m being told they’ve disbanded in lieu of supportive Republican legislation. Stand Your Playground laws? Seriously, how long can this methane-based reality endure? Oh, that’s right, they’re gutting the EPA. Hmmm. What is it going to take to bring these people back from Narnia? The Lying Bitch In The War Room? Somewhere I can hear Bob Marley singing: don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is going to be alt-right. Am I the only one worried about the coming Trumpocalypse? Whereas it’s true no one is actually pissing in my Cheerios, it’s only because I’m stocking up on the Malt-O-Meal equivalent, Shitty Os or something.

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by Mick Zano • January 5, 2017

Was the Trumpadon attacked by the Putinasaurus?

by Mick Zano • January 4, 2017

Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”

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by Mick Zano • January 2, 2017

Flagstaff,AZ—Spacebar,thefinalfrontier.OurspacebarhasbeenpermanentlydisabledbyRussianorTrumpianhackers.FYI:theyarethesamethingnow.Granted,itwillbedifficulttofunctionwithoutaspacebar,butwethediscordfeeltheshowmustgoon.CEOofTheDiscord,PierceWinslow,isinnegotiationswiththeincomingTrumpAdminsitrationtoresolvethecurrentfrictionbetweenthetwoentities.Mr.Winslowexplains,”Ifwecan’tgetanywherewiththesepeoplewemightstartusingcommasinsteadofspacesorthewordspace,bolded.(space)see?(space).It(space)could(space)work(space)in(space)a(space)pinch.(space).Thebig?is:willanyonehitreadmoretoday?

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by Mick Zano • January 1, 2017

There’s still no shortage of election blame, not to mention tons of players, factors and conspiracy theories abound. Who’s fault is it? We have fake news, real news, voter turnout, voter suppression, Comey, Putin, Bernie, Weiner, and even Weiner’s weiner played its part. The perfect reality show. In the end, what matters is this: a Trump presidency is unacceptable to those of us with a Clue. Colonel Mustard in the Pentagon with the Dementia? OK, how about Putin in the Observatory with the computer hacker? You say you want a revolution? Occupy virtual space? Our Constitution and our way of life are taking a shit, so why are we so preoccupied with civility? Let’s all stay calm, cool and collective until the next Civil War? Sounds reasonable. Let’s be clear, staying reasonable is the problem. Step one, the Civility War.