“Woe to the inhabitants of the Earth for the devil is come down to you, having big hands, because he knows that he has but a short time before his impeachment.” —Abacab tour
Linguists Abandon ‘Shitshow’ In Quest For Better Word To Describe 21st Century GOP: Miraculousy? Shartaclysmic?
by Mick Zano •
Taos, NM—Wordsmith and linguistics guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, unveiled his latest endeavor to search for a word that epitomizes today’s conservative party. Dr. Hogbein told reporters today, “I was having some Ramen noodles the other day when, on a whim, I added a dash of Emeril’s spice, Essence. I then proceeded to spill the entire steaming bowl onto my groin. That’s when I thought, the word ‘shitshow’ no longer captures the essence of today’s conservatism! We need a new word! Then I called 911 and promptly sued Emeril Lagasse.”
Is A Trump ‘Special’ Tweet At Heart Of Botched Yemen Special Ops Raid?
by Mick Zano •
Seven Nation Harmy? Seattle Judge Who Halted Trump’s Muslim Ban Mysteriously Assassinated In Drone Strike
by Mick Zano •
Seattle, WA—The White House is denying any involvement in the drone strike assassination of a Seattle Federal Judge. The judge in question, and now in pieces, Judge James “Rowdy” Robart, entered an order on Friday forbidding federal agents to enforce Trump’s seven-country immigration ban on the grounds it’s “really fucking stupid.” Less than 24 hours later Judge Rowdy was blasted apart in an incident that was initially reported as a radical meteor, spontaneous judicial combustion, or a fart-lighting incident gone horribly astray.
The Discord Doesn’t Always Do The Wonka Meme, But When We Do…
by Mick Zano •
A Sociopathic President With An Abby Normal Brain? Buy Stock In Pitchforks & Torches
by Mick Zano •
When I refer to President Trump as a sociopath that gives us some idea how he may govern and, eventually, un-govern. A narcissist like Trump will not handle defeat lightly, bigly unlightly. Trump’s response to his own immanent failure will likely be catastrophic. Some key psych peeps out there disagree with me on this one. What?! This farcissistic spoofy-o-path won’t tolerate dissent! George W. Bush was just incompetent, but Trump represents a diagnostical and diabolical downgrade (DDD). I didn’t think even our right-leaning friends could miss all the clues associated with this guy’s unhingedness. Kidding, each news cycle they miss more clues than Inspector Clouseau on a fentanyl drip. If you remain a 21st century Republican, you have to ask yourself the age old Zano question: do I just come to the wrong conclusion about every issue on Earth on my own, or have I had help? You need to understand, your party has become an anti-intellectual, delusional movement that mimics a form of mental illness. As a collective you are only slighly healthier than your president. I’ve been discussing the personality disorder aspect inherent in the modern GOP for well over a decade now. From an emotional perspective you’re only slightly healthier than those Kool-Aid drinking Jim Jonesers, or those folks who tried to board that passing comet in the 90s. Hale-GOPP? Kidding, those peeps were at least savvy enough to leave Earth, pre-Donald.
One Image Overview Of The Economic Past, Present and Future For The Reality Impaired
by Mick Zano •
Trump Signs Law Officially Severing Last Ties Between His Political Party And Reality
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Donald J Trump has signed a bill officially separating the GOP from any and all connection to this reality. Many on the right are calling this move Earthxit. Republicans argue this will not change how they govern as they maintain they’ve been successfully ignoring reality since early 2002. Kellyanne Conway explains, “An alternate reality is the same place where alternate facts reside, so now everything will match perfectly. I think that’s why the rest of the world rose up against President Trump last Saturday, because they just don’t understand the important alternate reality we’ve created through incessant bullshit. Even data can be manipulated to express this new reality, mostly just by turning any graphs upside down. And for no additional cost to the tax payer, I might add.”
Trump, Pence, Ryan First Politicians To Successfully Attempt The Triple Reacharound!
by Mick Zano •
New Evidence Confirms Trump’s Inauguration Crowd Larger Than Obama’s
by Mick Zano •
Good to see our new President finally vindicated for at least one of his babbling, incoherent statements.
Trump Requires All EPA Publications To First Pass A ‘Putz-Review’ Prior To Release
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—After a media blackout at the Environmental Protection Agency the lights are finally back on today, for now. After an intense meeting, the Trump administration has ordered the EPA to clear all future studies with a designated appointee before disseminating the information to the public. They are calling the newly vetted information: politically-modified-science (PMS). Kellyanne Conway explains, “Look, we have a Trump Transition team designed to transition this important information into something more useful to your average American. Call them ‘fun size’ facts. It’s just an extra check that we call putz-reviewed, oh, and we improved the EPA’s logo for no extra charge to the tax payer.”
It’s Going To Take A Certain Skillset To Survive This Shit: Gandalf/Dumbledore 2020!
by Mick Zano •
Truck Filled With Alternative Facts Crashes En Route To White House
by Mick Zano •
Indianapolis, IN—A semi-truck loaded with alternative facts slid off of Route I-465 earlier today as a result of some slippery political conditions. The truck toppled and the trailer ripped open scattering endless conservative crapola all over the interstate. The incident caused two lane closures and may have triggered several nonsensical executive orders. The shipment of Alt-Facts was set to arrive at the White House on Wednesday. The Trump Administration admitted some of the material was slated for use during an upcoming Trump press conference. Amongst the hodgepodge of circus-like wreckage included tens of thousands of marbles, but Republicans remain adamant that they clearly lost their marbles long ago.
Now We Get A Better Image Of The Face On Mars?! Thanks A Lot NASA!
by Mick Zano •
More is being revealed about the end of the Martian civilization (sigh).
Maybe that rover can mosey over and piss on it.
Trump Vows To Drone Strike “Jerk” In Back Of Press Conference
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—During a press conference earlier today, President Ass-Clown Hitler made it very clear that he would consider an executive order to eliminate a journalist who asked particularly pointed questions. When a second reporter questioned the president’s ability to assassinate an American citizen on American soil without due process, Trump responded, “It’s easy enough to make it a two for Tuesday thing, which is tomorrow, so watch your ass! That being the case, there wouldn’t be enough time to get ‘permission’ from the judge, who I paid off already, by the way. So next softball question.”
The Next Four Years Will Be Like Dealing With The Borg With A Traumatic Brain Injury
by Mick Zano •
Trump Promises Change And Unity During Plagiarized, Divisive Inauguration Speech
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Donald J-dog Trump was sworn in Friday as the 45th president of the United States. During an inauguration speech that many are calling batty, shitty and even batshitty, Trump promised to always put America first. The newly sworn in president minced no words, except maybe the ones that came out of his mouth (cough). President Trump made it very clear, in garbled form, that he intends to place the United States over all other countries, over the planet itself, and even over the wishes of our Galacian warlords (the aliens who actually run our planet from the Orion nebula).
Obama Spends Last Day In Office Just Driving Around Throwing Pardons And Medals Out Of Car Window
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—President Barack Obama spent his final hours in office … well, just look at the headline again. Many are calling Mr. Obama’s actions beneath the dignity of his office, but Obama had a short and poignant response to critics that involved his middle finger. He littered the streets with armfuls of farewell gifts. Amongst the endless glitter, cash, ribbons, medals, and parchments, Mr. Obama hurled copies of his birth certificate and handfuls of Get Out Of Trump Free cards. This was obviously not a planned excursion as the Secret Service spent several hours chasing the president’s vehicle before finally apprehending him and returning him to the inauguration festivities.
The Obamas Set To Lose Their Security Deposit Upon Vacating The White House
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”