Tweet Tower—Despite attacks from the press, President Trump remained focused on the positives today, mainly, how many negatives he has accumulated in such a short period of time. When asked specifically about his promise to have more scandals than Obama in his first 30 days, Trump maintained how his administration is still on an unprecedented scandal pace (USP). “Obama had too many scandals over his eight years to possibly beat in the first month,” said Trump, “Besides, Republicans are also counting all of those scandals that were more like invented controversies. I don’t know what a Benghazi is, do you? I think they have those at that kosher bakery over on 3rd and Main. Despite all of the bullshit, we were very close to topping Obama’s overall numbers. One more week and we should be golden. See, I even have a golden showers scandal already. I did my part. It’s not my fault a few of my appointees haven’t resigned in disgrace yet.”
February Downgraded to Monthatoid
by Mick Zano •
Trump To Pay For Military Budget Hike By Cutting Overtime Pay For Political Fact-Checkers
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Members of Politifact, FactCheck.org and Snopes are threatening to permanently log-off the job after President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cutting their overtime pay. These pay cuts are designed to help finance both fixing the nation’s infrastructure as well as military equipment designed to obliterate the nation’s infrastructure. “Or at least the infrastructure of our more liberal towns and cities,” clarified Kellyanne Conway. “We can make a seamless transition to much more affordable, alternative-fact checkers. Those folks can lie around the clock for a mere fraction of the cost to the tax payer.”
Donald Trump: Constitutional Scholar Or Return Of the Prodigal Dumb?
by Mick Zano •
Pokey is singlehandedly blowing up our comment threads again, which is actually a welcome change from the usual spam. As tradition dictates, most of his comments equate to the old rightwing bait-n-switch. Whether he realizes it or not, the right’s recent social media two-step is an effort to quell the increasing cognitive dissonance and avoid the whole, ‘Oops, we kind of elected a braindead fascist to run the free world.’ What’s the worst that could happen? I’m actually fine with a full collapse, anything to avoid having to binge watch the next season of Netflix’s Gotham. Just throw out your copy of the Constitution, Pokey, your president already has. Kidding, he never had one.
This Day In Future History: Cause Of Nuclear Armageddon Determined!
by Mick Zano •
Two Guns No Clue
by Mr. Sherman •
Yeah, this is an unscripted ghost investigation… and, boy, should we go with a script next time.
Post Election Disorder? How about Probably Irreversible Shit Show Election Disorder (PISSED!)
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Why was the fight-or-flight response triggered in so many of us in November? Some mental health professionals are calling it Post Election Stress Disorder, but I think it’s more of an Acute Trump Response. I admit I’m having a hard time adjusting to the grim realities of a republican super-majority. Once spooked, our sympathetic nervous system floods our body with hormones. And here I was blaming all the IPAs for my man boobs. Say you’re snorkeling and a large dark shape darts passed you. Your body might be on a heightened state of alert for some time, even long after security escorts you out of the aquarium. As for this shark named Trump, all the beer in Milwaukee doesn’t seem to be quelling this heightened state of unease (burp). So to pass the time until the collapse, why not invest in some stocks in the Bro or the Manziere?
Is Al Gore The Cause Of A Recent Antarctic Ice Sheet Fissure?
by Mick Zano •
Antarctica—Many believe this blurry, badly photoshopped image of former Vice President Al Gore is genuine. He appears to be digging along the edge of a giant fissure currently forming across an ice shelf in Antarctica. The picture, taken by military aircraft, has many asking: is Al Gore the cause of this fissure or is he simply trying to accelerate the impact of climate change for monetary gain? Mr. Gore is not returning our calls, which only lends credence to our theory that he’s way out on the eastern side of the Antarctic Peninsula where cell service is notoriously sketchy.
Before There Was The Most Interesting Man In The World
by Mick Zano •
Coal Dumping To Resume In Rivers Because New EPA Study Suggests “Real American Fish Love Coal”
by Mick Zano •
Allman Brothers Dedicate ‘Ramblin’ Man’ To President Trump’s Latest Press Conference
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos can do some in-house Sharpie corrections, or, in this case, outhouse. The rightwing brain trusts are somehow defending this new brand of regal gibberish. “Boy, he really showed them, didn’t he!” Yes. He showed them what a fucking idiot he is. It was like watching a kid with ADD trying to give a lecture on quadratic equations in a strip club. The hodgepodge of tangential falsehoods came at a such dizzying speed that Trump’s lucky he didn’t break the clown barrier. The heads of our poor fact-checkers must have been spinning faster than a pole dancer on an 8-ball. Fine, I’m writing this at a strip club. Sue me …Trump probably will.
Scientist To Clone Just Enough Dinosaur Meat To Put In Taco
by Mick Zano •
Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”
Moments After Trump States ‘Presidency Working Like Fine Tuned Machine’ This Image Leaked To Press
by Mick Zano •
Group Of Teenagers Admit To Summoning President Trump During Ouija Game
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—Sixteen-year-old Trent Drury admitted earlier today how he and two of his friends are responsible for summoning the current president from the nether realms. The boy told reporters, “Sorry everyone, we really didn’t think it would work. We thought Ouija was just a another game like Monopoly, Clue or that Evil Dead book made from human flesh. We want people to know what really happened, because the electoral college thing just isn’t a plausible explanation. We are hoping now Mr. Trump can be properly impeached, or at least exorcised.”
Voting For Trump Was Not A Protest Vote, Pokey, But More Of A 50 Shades Of Neville Chamberlain Kind Of Thing
by Mick Zano •
Fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had some thoughtful comments after my last feature—blatantly wrong, but thoughtful. At one point he implied how either a Trump or a Sanders vote signified a vote against the establishment. Whereas that is certainly true on some level, it’s like confusing apples to orangutans. Those two politicians represent either end of the political and evolutional spectrum. It’s like comparing the 21st century politics to the dark ages, or Usain Bolt to Slowpoke Rodriquez, or Bowie to Bieber (gasp). Whereas a Sanders wouldn’t dream of breaking the rule of law, Trump will break everything, including wind. Shart of the Deal?
Brooks: Humor Is Just Another Defense Against The Universe
by Mick Zano •
This Is The Way The World Ends, Not With A Bang But With A Trumpster
by Mick Zano •
Of course, the world may end with a bang and a Trumpster, which is as close to multitasking as these people get.
Airbnb To Begin Renting Space In Trump-Cabinet Empty Suits
by Mick Zano •
Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky told the Discord today that his company is in direct negotiations with the White House. The most successful peer-to-peer home rental company is now trying to partner with government for what they are describing as some prime unoccupied real estate. “When we think Trump appointees, we envision a lot of space,” said Chesky, “so why not start renting this shit out? When someone says empty spaces the first thought is Dr. Ben Carson, well, besides that Floyd song. As the head of the housing authority, renting out Dr. Carson’s empty suit might be a conflict of interest. Then I had that aha moment. Betsy DeVos’ paint suit represents cheap temporary lodging for all kinds of young adults who will no longer be in high school.
Four More Confirmation Hearings Set For Next Week: Pestilence, Famine, War and Death.
by Mick Zano •
Trump calling poorly decided court outcomes “fake verdicts” in an effort to keep doing the “right” thing.
