Bellagio Fire Promptly Doused By Quick-Thinking Fountain Manager

by Mick Zano • April 18, 2017

Las Vegas, NV—If it were not for the speedy response of the fountain manager, Ty Miller, the Bellagio Resort & Casino may have been fried like a Seattle hipster at 420. The cause of the Las Vegas strip fire is not immediately known, but the blaze broke out in the Voldemort Suite due to what some are speculating as an unauthorized use of magic. It took only 19 minutes for the fire to be contained after Mr. Taylor angled the fountains 75° toward the front of the building. No one was injured and, as an extra added bonus, the streams of water sparked an impromptu wet t-shirt contest on the 7th floor.

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by Mick Zano • April 17, 2017

Are we moving toward fascism? My designated term of endearment for our president, Ass-Clown Hitler, was chosen for a reason as the only thing standing between our nation and some extra-strength Nazinol is Trump’s three-ring stupidity. What many of us despise about Trump, his terminal buffoonery, may actually be our saving grace. There’s certainly a down side to having an ass-clown leading the free world, but what if he were Dick Cheney? Cheney was smart and evil, which is a much more potent force. Come on, Dick, if the jackboot fits… Granted, conservatives are generally not the sharpest political tools in the shed, but if we keep re-electing them one of these days they’re going to get it alt-right.

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by Mick Zano • April 15, 2017

In related news, Osiris wanted in connection with an ancient pyramid scheme.

by Mick Zano • April 13, 2017

Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit, so that he can gain some insight into how he might address such an absurd allegation.

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by Mick Zano • April 11, 2017

Chicago, IL—In response to a viral video showing a passenger being dragged off of a plane, CEO of United Airlines, Oscar Munoz, staged an identical scenario. Airport security bodily dragged Mr. Munoz down the aisle of an Airbus A420 before ejecting him face first onto the tarmac. Whether or not the Board of Directors ordered this stunt or it was the CEO’s own brain child remains unknown at this hour. United Airlines is hoping this will make things even, or at least even out their company’s stocks. As compensation for the incident, the passenger who was originally mistreated has been offered an extra packet of peanuts and an additional packet of peanuts. He has since been rushed back to the hospital for what looks to be a peanut allergy.

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by Mick Zano • April 9, 2017

San Diego, CA—After the incident this weekend that claimed the life of eight year old Bobby Turner, the petting zoo management of WolverDreams Inc. announced it will be closing its doors forever. Little Bobby’s visit, which was originally arranged in conjunction with the Make A Wish Foundation, ended the life of a young man a few weeks prematurely. Bobby was given only a few weeks to live due to inoperable nose cancer. Bobby’s parents told the press his bucket list still included: giving Sally Phillips a wedgie, attending a cock fight, and punching a senior citizen in the face.

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by Mick Zano • April 7, 2017

We’re pulling a Dylan on this one and not showing up for the award ceremony.

We may tweet later that we’re honored and shit #Honored&Shit.

by Mick Zano • April 6, 2017

There is certainly liberal amounts of blood in our political waters, but I’m afraid it’s not actually type-D. This Susan Rice “scandal” has Benghazi written all over it. Hey, at least they’re reading. No matter where this next batch of rightwing dimquires lead, our republican friends will likely be covering this Rice dish right up until the impeachment proceedings. Focus on the Susan Rice “scandal” and you’ll miss the main course, peeps. Stuffed pig? Why are you still harping on Obama and Hillary? Can’t you people just take five minutes to focus on your inability to lead? If you recall, Obama let Bush and Cheney off the hook and they should have hung, well, if you believe international law. At this point I don’t even have a horse in this race. Sorry, folks, the last nationalistic bone in my body is riddled with Foxsteoporises. Speaking of which, does Rice have any calcium?

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by Mick Zano • April 5, 2017

Dinglebury, ENG—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and gift shop, is back in the news again today and pushing another controversial theory. In 2012 he proposed an alternative theory to explain the many megalithic structures dotting the English landscape. This important archeofictionologist now believes he has irrefutable evidence to support his earlier claim that they were, indeed, formed by erosion. Dr. Hogbein told the Discord today, “The mystery of Stonehenge is solved! And, sadly, it has nothing to do with the Loch Ness monster. All those years wasted. However, most of these ancient so-called ‘structures’ were actually formed through natural erosionary processes, such as wind and water. This makes particular sense after a few pints.”

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by Mick Zano • April 4, 2017

In related news: ER visits due to priapism still the leading cause of giggling among nursing students.

by Mick Zano • April 3, 2017

We have successfully made the transition from ‘know hope’ to ‘no hope’. In today’s political circus, the Freedom Caucus is now all the rage. Are you kidding me? The only thing standing between El Trumpedente and everything he wants for Christmas is a pack of hyenas? Through the magic of redistricting, we must support the minority of the minority? Who wants to cheer on the frickin’ Freedom Caucus? Then again, they did save Obamacare. The enemy of my enemy is my friend’s enema? I don’t even follow that one. People are concerned about republican in-fighting. Don’t be. When it counts, conservative-types are always united in their wrongness. Republicans do impress me in one sense as they’ve discovered so many distinct, yet shitty factions, views and philosophies. Multinefarious? Diversdefecation? Fine, I’ll work on that one.

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by Mick Zano • April 2, 2017

Kidding, Trump only speaks pig, not Pig Latin.

by Mick Zano • April 1, 2017

And now the ‘You Had One Job’ meme, Vice Presidential style.

by Mick Zano • March 31, 2017

Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion between President Trump and the Kremlin.

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by Dr. Kwela Juluka • March 30, 2017

In his book, “The Origin of Consciousness”, the late author Julian Jaynes detailed a compelling case for how and why leadership became the driving force in the development of civilization. Our governments, institutions, clergy, and corporations demonstrate and depend on Jaynes’ basic premise that, in essence, “top-down organizational charts” direct the masses toward behaviors and thinking consistent with the advancement and security of humanity. Under n…ormal circumstances, history shows that those who have become good leaders have been bestowed with the intelligence and insight necessary to advance the condition of those who depend on their judgment. Do you see where I’m going with this?

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by Mick Zano • March 29, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is asking Congress for an additional 200 million “just to keep all those crazy half-animal things from eating my son-in-law.” This trip, which the White House is hailing as a fact-finding mission, is shaping up to be the most expensive diplomatic excursion since Nixon’s trip to the 9th circle of Dante’s hell. Critics are calling this trip “a fantasy” and “not worth a red cent-aur.” Others are asking, “Will that big lion even budge on trade?” and, “Is that the place with the Hobbits?”

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by Mick Zano • March 28, 2017

Muppets vow if Grover is sent to Guantanamo, they will “unleash the furry.”

Full Grover coverage here. Tell your Congressman, “Let my Muppets go!”

by Mick Zano • March 27, 2017

Tweet Heaven—According to several reliable archangel sources, God’s patience and enthusiasm for the new U.S. administration is waning. Evangelical poster-child Pat Robertson spoke with the supreme being this morning for over an hour on the phone. Since that discussion, Robertson is preparing to either make a retraction of his earlier statement, namely how ‘Trump is God’s candidate’, or he will be announcing his new career in the food service industry. Fingers crossed, heathens!

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