McYesman’s experience with the FBI goes back to most of yesterday.
“We don’t need an independent prosecutor on the Russian collusion thing or a confirmation hearing.”
—Sean Spicer
Did Muppets RESIST Stunt Go Too Far? Statler Arrested, Waldorf In ICU
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—With the country still reeling from Animal and Crazy Harry’s attempt to blow up the White House, Muppet legends Statler and Waldorf attempted a grey-hair-brained scheme of their own. Taking advantage of the chaotic aftermath of Comey’s departure and what Statler referred to as “an obvious lapse in security”, the pair went all Dickens on Trump’s ass. The Muppets gained access to the White House under the false pretenses that they were actually Russian spies. Once inside the two allegedly ducked into a custodial closet, donned some chains and rags, and then entered the presidential bedroom, which Trump has since renamed the Mount Melanie Sweet. The President insists it’s a pun.
See The Photoshopped Image Donald Trump Does Not Want You To See!
by Mick Zano •
Calling Conservatives ‘Deplorables’ Is Deeply Unpopular, So How About ‘Unreachables’?
by Mick Zano •
Apparently the term ‘Deplorables’ is not wildly popular amongst those deplorable people among us, so how about the ‘Unreachables’ or the ‘Irredeemables’? Or maybe we should channel some Vizzini and go with the ‘Inconceivables’? Our president enjoys historically bad early approval ratings and he’s flip flopped on almost every major campaign promise, yet only an astounding 2% of Trump supporters show any buyer’s remorse whatsoever. It reminds me of when Dubya left office, still holding a 70% approval rating in Kansas. Bad Economies Matter? Today our economic growth is slowing, our healthcare system is exploding, and WWIII is looming large (all way ahead of Trump’s golf schedule). Keep your guns, peeps, but you may not be able to afford the bullets soon. Silencer of the Lames?
Trump Claims Millions Of Illegals Who Voted For Hillary Flew To France To Tip Scales For Macron
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In a presidential tweet many are calling ‘dumb’ and ‘stupid’, President Donald Trump conveyed his concerns that the same people who cost him the popular vote in the U.S. where recently flown abroad by George Soros to keep France from Frexiting. Donald Trump also tweeted why he is particularly sad, because “the word Frexit had a nice ring to it.”
Pope Summons Kandarian Demons From ‘Evil Dead’ To Combat Trump
by Mick Zano •
Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”
Muppet World Rocked By Crazy Harry and Animal’s Failed Attempt To Blow Up White House
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—The Muppets Resist movement entered an even darker chapter today after beloved characters, Crazy Harry and Animal, were arrested for hatching a Guy Fawksian-style plot to blow up the White House. Rockville police report the two were arrested without incident in a sock drawer outside of Glenn Hills, Maryland. Many in the intelligence community fear the pair were not working alone and may simply be “low-level Muppet operatives.” FBI director James Comey is refusing to comment, as the investigation is ongoing, but Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is asking what the rest of the world is already thinking, “What did Kermit know, and when did he know it?”
And The Worst Daily Discord Promo Goes To…
by Mick Zano •
Trump Turns The Tables On Psychotic Symptoms: Voices Trapped In Trump’s Head “Want Out!”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump has apparently taken charge of his own consciousness. The “voices” plaguing the president for many years have finally bowed to his will. Channeling Rorschach from the Watchmen, Trump told his voices, “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here WITH MEEEE! Bigly!” The voices are now reportedly “freaking out” and are requesting the president start some anti-psychotic medications to “give us a break from the incessant idiocy.” White House officials are denying claims that at least one of the voices in the president’s head is now on suicide watch.
NK Vows To Conduct More Failed Missile Launches Than Arkansas Can Botch Executions
by Mick Zano •
Pyongyang, NK—According to both Washington and Pyongyang “the race is on!” Earlier today Kim Jong Un contacted the Governor of Arkanasas, Asa Hutchinson, and challenged him to a contest. Just as a missile exploded across Un’s private launch pad on the south lawn of Un Manor, the God of North Korea told Hutchinson, “How about round two, Arkansas? You try to execute as many people as you can this week and I will fail to launch as many missiles as I can. How many people can you set on fire or leave gagging for hours on a gurney? I can watch missiles explode all day, Governor. All day! (maniacal laughter.) Oh, It’s on, bro! The winner gets to run through Trump Tower naked.”
Muppets RESIST Members Now Monitored By Homeland Insecurity
by Mick Zano •
Is Trump Diverting Taxpayer Money To Escape Through A Stargate?
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Scientists are questioning the large amounts of energy currently emanating from Trump Tower. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, told the discord today, “Profound amounts of energy are there and then gone again, as if a door is opening and then closing again. That’s when it hit me, he’s building a Stargate to avoid the pending impeachment proceedings!” When asked if there is any other evidence for a Trump Tower Stargate, Dr. Hogbein cited SG1 season 1: ep 3 and all of season 4. He also referenced the above Daily Discord image, depicting President Trump gazing into a time portal. The Daily Discord Photoshopper was unavailable for comment.
Military Assures The President All Options Are On The Table
by Mick Zano •
The military is insisting President Trump learn where a country is on the map before implementing the squirting tie.
The Collusion Delusion: From Russia With Lube?
by Mick Zano •
There are two conflicting themes within this Trump/Russia collusion scandal: 1. Liberals across the land are banking on this investigation ending the reign of President Ass-Clown Hitler, and 2. There’s a ton of smoke, yet no functional smoke detectors in the greater DC area. Check out Sam Harris’s podcast wherein Anne Applebaum equates both Putin and Trump’s tactics to “polluting the information space.” The turd is out there? The truth is becoming ever more subjective these days and, if you’re a Republican, this whole truthiness to murkiness shift is paying off. Nonstop lying apparently comes with a super majority. And if you act now you can get two Supreme Court Judges! It is very odd to me how so many Republican folks are disinterested in the whole Trump-should-probably-hang thing. They want us to stop harassing the president and just let Trump govern. What?! Are you crazy? Oh, right. I have an idea, how about the party of Nixon, Dubya and Trump refrain from commenting for a few election cycles? Dope springs eternal.
420 Happens So Slowly Herbologists Believe By 2020 It Will Occur On 421
by Mick Zano •
Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes 420 and the related spike in marijuana use is subtly altering the rotation of the Earth’s axis. Dr. Hogbein explains, “This is a form of time travel. It’s not just about all the weed and the resulting slow moving hipsters, there’s an additional factor thus far missed by science. What science ignores is all the associated convenience-store munchies. Remember how right before their own time travel adventures, Bill & Ted said there were strange things afoot at the Circle-K? It’s not tachyon particles, convenience store food is the key to time travel. Once Cheetos, Twinkies and chili dogs are combined with the existing cannabinoidic receptors of the brain, I believe a small Snack Gate can open within the neural snacknaptic clefts of the temporal lobe.”
Discord Live On Location For Science/Earth Day!
by Mick Zano •
Wherever People Are Being Refudiated You Will Find Us!
by Mick Zano •
FBI Obtains FISA Warrant To Eavesdrop On President Trump’s Internal Voices
by Mick Zano •
Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.
