Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”
Washington, DC—Vice President Mike Pence is doing his best today to sell a less than popular healthcare bill. Republicans took all the usual steps, including lying and relabeling, but to no avail. They are saying that the increased number of uninsured Americans, Pioneer Health Recipients and Obama death panels, which didn’t actually exist under the ACA, will be created and called Obama Death Panels. After these maneuvers did little to sweeten the pot for the naysayers, Pence suddenly yelled, “Hey, Kool Aid!”
Damascus, SY—War ravaged Syria is trying to make an economic comeback in 2017. Part of this daring rebound involves exporting gravel to countries in need of gravel. In a recent speech Syrian President Bashar al-Assad told the world he was “growing more confident by the day that my country’s economic prospects are looking up.” President al-Assad added, “You should always look up when visiting Syria as debris is constantly falling from the roof tops. Besides that, I am very pleased with recent economic indicators. Long before Trump I promised to make Syria Gravel Again. Oh, and to celebrate Ramadan this year I personally sent tons of Ramen noodles to all of our major cities. I’m calling it Ramendan. Get it? Ha! And, boy, do we have a shit-load of gravel! And it’s all 100% authentic Syrian gravel, chock full of history nuggets.”
Miami, FL—President Donald Trump announced his intention to improve business at his Doral Miami golf resort by annexing the nearby Biltmore golf resort at Coral Gables. Donald Trump told the press today, “This is legal, totally legal. As president of the United States I can seize land through the use of executive orders. Obama seized millions of acres, the greedy bastard, and I’m just taking a few hundred acres of a pesky golf course that’s been cutting into my operations. You should stay at my Trump Doral golf resort! It’s amazing and now it will have even less competition. So I will be hiking rates accordingly. Check for it online on Trumpvago. Yeah, I annexed Trivago as well. Hey, I’m the first in virtual annexation. Not bad, eh?”
Kauai, HI—This trip proved the most challenging for team Search Truth Quest, at least financially. We would make both cryptozoological history as well as history of our flex funds. For this journey STQ was on the hunt for two Hawaiian heavyweights: a tribe of hobbits known as the Menehune as well as a 12-foot guardian lizard known as the Mo’o. Our CEO and primary funder, Pierce Winslow, figured it would be cheaper if we pulled a mythological twofer. He paid for our flights, our accommodations, and all the Ramen we could stuff into our carry-ons. We needed to recover from our last disastrous trek to the Dominican Republic. There was a lot on the line for this one, because the search for the truth in quest form must continue.
Outer Portlandia—Missing November’s election has had clear consequences for young people and humans in general. In response, millennials across the country are banding together like never before, just to complain about shit. The majority feel gipped as they want their chance to end our republic. Thousands of angry Portlandians shouted obscenities and held signs today that read, “Please leave stuff for us to wreck!” and “I’m almost angry enough to vote!” A recent polls shows 75% of people under the age of 25 are still not planning to vote in the 2018 midterms, but more than 80% of this demographic intend to either continue protesting and/or join relevant FacbookWhineGroups.
I recently had the honor and privilege of interviewing my jerk face friend, Mick Zano. We met over a beer in downtown Flagstaff to discuss fake news, satire, and what Zano calls the State of the Onion. We had our fair share of battles in the lead up to the election, as he was a little more Bernie and I was totally with her. Post the election, we both fear for our country’s future at the hands of this mad man. Though it pains me to admit it, the Zanster has made some good points over the beers. Whether you call it fake, satire, spoof, or per the website ‘pseudo journalistic’, the Discord continues to be a fun and informative read. But he’s still a jerk face and he made me say that under duress!
Seattle, WA—Amazon announced plans to acquire the Whole Foods grocery chain for a cost of nearly 14-billion dollars. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is already on the defensive about the move and is attempting to quell mounting fears. “Amazon is not going to dispense of shoplifters in Robocop fashion and we are certainly not going to replace workers with hipster dronebots,” said Bezos. “I admit our initial wave of food deliveries have not worked with our existing system, because it was designed for non-perishables. And, although our drone fleet will likely increase breakage slightly, it is projected to significantly reduce instances of E. coli and botulism. I realize there is also concerns our employees will lose benefits, but I can assure you our workers will enjoy constant software upgrades and periodic lubrication breaks. I would also like to dispel the rumor that we will be shifting to a virtual shopping system by the fall. Oh, and we are not changing the name the chain to CyberFoodsConsolidated.com …just yet.”
Washington, DC—Special Prosecutor, Robert Mueller, the man assigned to investigate President Trump’s possible obstruction of justice, was last seen reluctantly entering a limousine outside of the downtown DC Hooters on 7th Street. Eye-witnesses claim several of Trump’s security detail surrounded Mueller, while mindlessly chanting “make a America great again” over and over again. One passerby claims Mr. Mueller was shoved into the backseat before the car sped off toward the Hooters in nearby Mantua.
Tweet Tower—In a series of poignant presidential tweets, the leader of the free world called for calm today in the grim wake of his own mounting incompetence. President Ass-Clown Hitler is now demanding unity and warned his people he will have unity “one way or the other!” President Trump told the press today, “If we don’t all rally behind my agenda, which is the best agenda, the bad guys win. That’s right. The Rosie O’Donnell, tree hugging libtards will get their way. Then they will say Trump was wrong. I’m not wrong. Everyone just needs to let my agenda work for them, and by the them I mean their boss’s boss’s boss. All those who continue to oppose me and who refuse to focus on my agenda will be sent to a place that will teach them why they’re wrong. I will call these new places ‘lack of concentration camps’.”
Faber College, PA—Skip “Skeeter” Mcyentire of Beta Alpha Lambda (BAL) is ready to take hazing to a more humiliating level with the addition of some built-in safeguards designed to protect his fraternity from any litigation. “All our activities come complete with waivers now, drawn up by our pre-law adviser and regular keg signer, Ted “Blotto” Freihoffer. “He’s been in pre-law for almost twelve semesters and is arrested almost every weekend, so he has definitely learned a lot about the ins and outs of our legal system.”
Phoenix, AZ—President Trump was all smiles today upon hearing the news our veterans will no longer be forced to wait around VA centers for days, weeks or even months only to find out no services are available. Biff Lang of the Phoenix Regional Veterans No-Benefits Office said, “It’s really simple now. There’s no funding, so there’s no sense hanging around the lobby or outside the building anymore. In fact, now it comes with a loitering charge, which is helpful for our thriving local private prison industry. More importantly it’s win-win for our veterans, who have earned a nice introduction to our penal system and three square meals a day …well, uh, two meals now that they are private facilities. They’re calling it a BYO3, bring your own third meal.”
