On this date in 2016 EU Makes Last Ditch Effort For A Third Obama Term.
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller Spotted In Sam’s Club Buying Indictments In Bulk
by Mick Zano •
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”
Can This Latest Intervention Save This Administration From Intellectual And Moral Ruin?
by Mick Zano •
Lego Releases New Mar-a-Lego Trump Box Set
by Mick Zano •
Lego Tower—President Trump and LEGO have joined forces to make American childhoods great again. Building enthusiasts of all ages will enjoy this new posh LEGO construction set. Rebuild what Trump built and feel the power and prestige of owning your own resort at Mar-a-Lego. Throw wild parties, drink a lot, gamble, play golf, grab female minifigures by the pussy (pussy accessory element sold separately). The Mar-a-Lego Resort is just the first of a series of Lego-Trump building sets. In 2018 LEGO plans to release the Trump Tower box set as well as the Trump Impeachment Hearings building set.
Three Men & A Baby: Does This Military Trio Grande Mark A New Beginning Or Bedtime For Bozo?
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—With the addition of General Kelly as Chief of Staff there is now an established adult faction in the White House, but will it be enough to reign in President Ass-Clown Hitler? If these three Generals band together, they will have a considerable voice in this administration, but will it be enough to drown out the voices in the president’s head? This advice comes with a military skew, which is not ideal, but this trifecta clearly represents a new and final hope for the Trump Administration. Can this president’s inherent stupidity be controlled for any length of time? Will it even matter if the Mueller investigation bears any fruit? Speaking of which, this left/right scandal thing is never fair. When a rightwing scandal surfaces, liberals can never ask what did they know and when did they know it? because Republicans never know anything. Sad. Bigly.
EPA To Change Name To Environmental Rejection Agency: Oh Black Water Keep On Rolling
by Mick Zano •
Putin No Longer Russian To Trump’s Defense?
by Mick Zano •
Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”
Moment General Kelly Enters Grounds As New Chief Of Staff Captured
by Mick Zano •
Hospital Where Senator McCain Received Cancer Treatment Admits To Implanting Healthcare Info Chip
by Mick Zano •
Phoenix, AZ—After Republicans failed again to pass their coveted Freedom from Healthcare Act, new revelations have surfaced suggesting liberal health-hackers have hijacked Senator John McCain’s brain. Several credible sources are claiming an implanted chip was discovered underneath the Senator’s recent surgery scar. The data on this chip is believed to have been uploaded directly into the Senator’s brain. The NYTs believes the content of the chip includes several Affordable Care Act infomercials as well as all six seasons of Glee. The recipient of this insidious technology would hear these messages playing out in an endless loop, subliminally and/or in Blu-Ray.
The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time
by Mick Zano •
The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.
[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]
Trump’s Startling DNA Results Leave Out Neanderthal And Sewer Rat
by Mick Zano •
Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—At the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”
Joe The Plumber Called In To Fix White House Leaks
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump brought on Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci last week to be the White House Communications Director. The Mooch immediately called his good friend, Joe the Plumber, to address all the leaks in the White House. President Trump told the Discord today, “Mooch is brilliant! The best Mooch! Not only is Joe already hard at work fixing those leaks, he’s also given me some good referrals for my broken cabinet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Scaramucci is yelling profanities at some people on the lawn. I keep telling him it’s just another tour group. Relax Anthony!”
Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”
Ghost Of Barry Goldwater Speaks Exclusively With Discord Ouija Board
by Mick Zano •
Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com
by Mick Zano •
Middle-Jersey—President Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”
Trump Mulls Lowering The Voting Age After “Crushing It” During Boy Scout Speech
by Mick Zano •
“I want to see every one of you at my next inauguration in 2020. No, really, we have your names now.”
Down The Ratings Hole: Trump’s Adventures in Blunderland Or Fox’s Omissions Through The Not-Looking Glass
by Mick Zano •
Guilt by omission is a favorite tactic of both sides of the media these days, but Hannity spent an entire hour neglecting to even acknowledge a leak suggesting our president is exploring options to fire special prosecutor Robert Mueller and pardon himself. On the night of this breaking news, Hannity and the rest of the Fox & Frauds hid safely in OJparoleville. After all, one dangerous black man in your community trumps a collapsing White House, right? The impeach-o-meter jumped a bit with the revelation that The Donald may well be muellering his choices here. Fox can get away with this selective-amnesia, because essentially Republican politicians are the checks and balances for this shit (aka, we have no checks and balances for this shit). They can push the boundaries of their alternative world to new dimensions. On this potentially historic news night the rift between Maddow/O’Donnell vs. Hannity/Carlson was astounding. My fear? With a super majority, Republicans will not address any of Trump’s shenanigans until it’s too late. If the republic does start to crumble in the days and weeks to come, we must, as the Doobie’s dictate, take it to the streets. Jesus is just alt-right with me?