Sessions Changes Story On Never Having Changed His Story, Or “I’m Not Back Peddling On All My Earlier Back Peddling”

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Washington, DC—Attorney General Jeff Sessions back-peddled so long today in front of the House Judiciary Committee that the Guinness World Record people have been notified by this publication, but have yet to comment. Today Mr. Sessions delegated all blame for his own conduct in all directions. In one particularly heated exchange, he told the committee, “Look, where I come from shit rolls down hill. Granted, not well. It depends on the hardness of the shit and the steepness of the hill. It’s like a mathematical defecquation or something. But, at the end of the day, shit does, in fact, roll down hill—even if it’s a Capitol Hill, which is like a dome, which is curved, so again it depends on the shit in question. Don’t worry, Trump has his best people working on this defecquation. Not me, of course, because he’s firing my ass tomorrow, because, uh, I believe we have established that shit rolls down hill.”

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Senator Paul Amends Police Report After Recent Altercation: “Cooter And I Were Just Messin'”

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Bowling Green, KY—Senator Rand Paul was assaulted by a friend and neighbor last week during an incident many are calling ‘typical’ for this particular rural setting. Kentucky State Police have since taken the senator’s 59-year-old assailant and buddy into custody, so Mr. Paul has since moved to have all charges dropped. “Cooter and I get into these little spats now and again,” said the senator. “You know, like when he tries to steal my moonshine, or I try to steal his healthcare. He’s also mad at me because I’m always trying to hit on his sister, well, when he’s not. You gotta be fast around old Cooter, ha! Oh, and his sister has a preexisting lung condition that we call Kentucky Fried Lungs. We order our lungs extra crispy around here, which is also not covered anymore.”

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The Sean Hannity Cardio Workout Is Here! Sweating To The Scandals

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My daughter got me this step-counter thingie for my birthday, which has since inspired me to walk to bars, coffee shops and roadhouses further out on the edge of town. Upon reviewing this new fitness data a disturbing pattern arose. Short spurts of cardio kept showing up each and every evening at the same time and, truth be told, I’m not a huge fan. Then I looked closer and realized it was when I was trying to tolerate an episode of Hannity …you know, so you don’t have to. The first day (the baseline) I didn’t watch Hannity’s ‘Murica and the other three days I apparently did.

Those little red tips each evening indicate a cardio-level heart rate, but can this really qualify as cardio? The implications are both intriguing and frightening. Can Fox News actually be a force for good in the world? Taking that illogic one step-counter-thing further, could I get an equal workout from a large plate of truck stop gravy fries? Ask your doctor if the Zano Bacon Grease workout is right for you.

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Danang Confusion? Trump & Putin Deny Wardrobe Collusion!

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Danang, VT—Although President Vladimir Putin admitted to loving the Ivan the Spy episodes from the old television show Gilligan’s Island, he told the world press today, “As a former member of the KGB, I have never been, nor will I ever be someone’s ‘little buddy’. And I certainly did not call President Trump’s fashion designer to coordinate outfits.” Donald Trump has a similar tale to tell. The president claims he just wanted to wear a Skipper’s hat “as a goof.” Despite the world leader’s statements, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller is already following the money and has scheduled interviews with millionaire Thurston Howell III as well as an actress implicated in the wardrobe decision, Ginger Grant.

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White House Denies President Met With Any Russians During Formal Trump-Putin Meeting

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The Kremlin—President Donald Trump is denying allegations he met with any Russians on his trip to Moscow this week. The official word from the White House is that no meeting occurred and there’s nothing for Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller to investigate. They then added Mr. Mueller should probably just stop his investigating all together and find something more productive to do with his free time, like quilting or something. This does not match a leaked staffer’s account of the trip. The unknown staffer alleges President Trump did meet with President Putin during his formal meeting with him yesterday in Moscow, and the two did work in some light colluding over dinner, between courses.

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The High Elves Of Rivendell Will Stand With Trump And Men Against NK, Iran, Nambia, And The Clinton Foundation

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Tweet Tower—Two members of the White Council descended from the Misty Mountains of Rivendell today to bestow unto President Trump the coveted Sword of Tweétit-nuiân. The High Elves complained of boredom since the conclusion of the whole “ring thing” and felt ready to “stir some shit up again.” They stand ready to come to the aid of the armies of men once more. Rivendell has very limited cable; they apparently only get Fox News, which has made them very wary of the actions of both Kim Jong Un and the Whitewater Witch, Hillary Clinton.

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Saudi Prince Deported To Sweden: Claims He’s Not From There

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Agrabah—On Saturday night, after saying ‘Live from Dubai, it’s Saturday night!’, Saudi Arabian officials announced the arrest of 11 of their own Princes. They later added, “because our Princes go to 11.”  King Salman’s number one, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, informed the Saudi press today, “I am the King’s number one and some of my friends really stepped in number two.” The Crown Prince is denying this is an attempt to consolidate power, “We have arrested 11 of our own. This is truly a sad day …for them. It’s really an even dozen Princes if you count Abdul bin Drinkin’, the jerk formerly known as Prince. He adopted some kind of symbol for his name. Crazy. I deported him too, but he can’t get on the plane because of the whole symbol thing. In the immortal words of the Beatles, We Can Work It Out. They are still family, so I chose to deport them to a country with both universal healthcare and an Olive Garden. I mean, I’m not a heartless Shiite for Allah’s sake.”

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Dems Team Up With Those Futurama People To Head Jar-Technology Research For Ginsberg Immortality Project

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Portlandia, WA—Liberals are scrambling to find an answer for the steadily right-shifting SCROTUM (Supreme Court: Republican Old-white Trumpian Ultra Morons). Liberals can’t stand having their SCROTUMs shift in that direction, so a team of top liberal researchers contacted the Simpsons/Futurama people with a plan. Together they have assembled the best team of medical, cryogenic and animational-engineers in an attempt to keep liberal Supreme Court judges on the payroll until a proper president can be installed in the Oval Office.

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Kentucky Congressman Swims In Coal To “Prove It’s Safe And Fun”

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Pikeville, KY—Earlier today Congressman Jeff Stilton (R-KY) was involved in what many are calling a mindless PR stunt. The two term politician swam in a pile of coal outside of the Blankenship Coal Hole to prove to the American people once and for all that coal is safe for any and all activities. Representative Stilton said, “I swam in coal, my daddy swam in coal, and my daddy’s daddy owns Kohl’s. Right now a company is trying to turn an important, historic Kentucky coal mine into a wind-powered eye sore. We coal people do all of our stuff deep underground, so you don’t have to be burdened with giant freaky fans and the like. Besides, do you know how many hot sexbots had to die so they could make those wind farm monstrosities? A lot #SaveTheSexBots.”

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To Avoid WWIII Massive Methamphetamine Shipment Sent To Mueller’s Investigative Team

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Washington, DC—Earlier today a shipment of methampethamine with an estimated 26K street value arrived at the headquarters of Special Prosecutor Rober Mueller. The stimulants were sent to his 17-lawyer team presumably in an effort to speed things up a bit. Mueller told the press today that he is very grateful for the gesture, but when he finds some time he vows to get to the bottom of who sent the illicit substances and prosecuting them to the fullest extent of the law.

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After Ancestry.com Results White Supremacist Self-Deports

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Tucson, AZ—Philippe Gonzales received his results from Ancestry.com and he was “shocked” to discover he’s 80% Mexican. Despite being born in Mexico in a Mexican family, Mr. Gonzales has identified as a white Aryan supremacist for most of his life. He spends much of his time traveling between Walmart home and garden centers and white supremacist rallies. Yesterday, after much self-debate, he vowed to take matters into his own hands. Without a word to his family Mr. Gonzales wrestled himself into his Ford Bronco at gunpoint and drove himself to the Mexican border at gunpoint. Once there he forced himself over the wall and into Mexico with strict self-instructions never to return.

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Great Again! Comet Totally Not Crashing Into Earth “Under These Political Conditions”

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Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.

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Trump Express Mailing Pre-Pardons To Dozens Of Family And Cabinet Members

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Tweet Tower—Just ahead of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s first wave of pending indictments, President Trump scrambled to set up a deal with FedEx to get some serious overnight shipping accomplished. The president told the press today, “By Monday morning, ahead of Mr. Mueller’s fake indictments, which should be sent to Hillary anyway, I have delivered a number of pre-pardons to my peeps all across this great nation. Pre-pardons will work like other pardons, except they arrive before any wrongdoing. If you hold a pre-pardon next to an indictment it will nullify the indictment. I’m even trying to have it so the pre-pardon will cause the indictment to burst into flames. I have the best people working on that.”

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Trump Awards Contract To Domino’s: Food And Drinks Anywhere In Puerto Rico In 30 Minutes Or Your Money Back!

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Tweet Tower—As the criticism of the federal response to hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico continues, El Presidente has hatched a plot to save the people of that fair territory. President Trump intends to award a 400-million dollar contract to Dominos pizza. In short order, the franchise is expected to set up a chain of pizza shops designed to sustain the people of Puerto Rico indefinitely.

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A Review Of Ken Wilber’s ‘Trump And A Post-Truth World’: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And Learned To Love The Trump

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Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.

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Plane Dropping Flame Retardant On CA Pot Farm Totally Clogs Drive Thru Window

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Sacramento, CA—A plane dropping flame retardant over a California pot farm today suddenly swung off to the east and disappeared over the horizon. The plane and its two pilots, who were battling the Now-That’s-A-Fire! fire over in Hurley, were later found permanently wedged in a KFC drive thru. Sacramento Police report when the two were arrested for FWI, they were downing an original recipe family bucket meal with all the trimmings. The copilot told the press, “We tried to stop at the Circle-K in Esparto, but I was like circle! And Mike was like, ‘K’, and I was like no, man, Circle-K! And he was like, ‘OK, stop yelling!’ So we circled the convenient store for nearly an hour before heading further southeast for some munchies.”

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Trump Floats Idea To Have Military Personnel Ambushed For Condolence-Call Redo

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Tweet Tower—President Trump is rolling back his earlier statements to Defense Secretary General James Mattis. A White House staffer suggests the president ‘floated the idea’ of purposely botching a mission, so he could write a better condolence speech for the families of the fallen. President Trump said, “I know how to make the best condolence speech, and I just want to try it out so people will just shut up and let me start another war. Do you have any idea the bump in polls I’d get if I get us into another war? Me neither, but it’s worth a shot, lots of shots. Brings new meaning to the words you’re fired!”

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Another Mix Up? Trump Releases KFC Assassination Files

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Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump told the press today that he will get to the bottom of his administration’s latest mix-up. Soon after the president made the announcement he would be releasing the CIA’s secret JFK files, a staffer accessed the National Archives and released the as yet undisclosed assassination files of Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. Not only did they release this controversial footage without the franchise’s permission, but the information also included all 11 herbs and spices, as well as the top secret preparation tips for the Colonel’s famous chicken recipe.

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Trump Compromise: Open To Green-Powered Nuclear Holocaust

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Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”

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