Man Abandons Search For Car Left In Toronto Parking Garage Since Lollapalooza Six

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Mississauga, ON—Steve Wetzel of Mississauga is officially changing the status of his ’86 Honda Civic from MIA to DOA. The now 46-year-old Arrow Mart clerk told police he forgot which parking garage he parked in before heading to the Lollapalooza Six concert back in 1996. Mr. Wetzel told the Discord today, “Lollapalooza Six was crazy! Park Place is a big area and I was really stoned. I bet its been towed by now. I’m screwed.” When asked if he’d checked with any of the local impounds Wetzel said, “It’s not a cat, man, it’s my car …well, my dad’s car.”

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Adventures in Boneland: The Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock and Roll Collection

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ally

Over the years I’ve left the bulk of the political commentary to Zano, which I realize now was a yuuge mistake. It’s too hard to keep up. By the time I send Zano an article, it’s dated before he gets it. After being accused of trying to hit on a 14-year-old boy, Kevin Spacy came out of the closet and admitted he was a Republican. See why this is impossible? This joke was already shit on by Al Franken, Trent Franks, and half of Hollywood. So, amidst this wave of allegations and resignations, I’ve decided to stick with and defend what I know: Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock & Roll. 

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Solo’s Forcible First Kiss On Leia Led Sith Lord To Commit Patricide #R2MeToo?

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A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”

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Shock Poll: 9 Of 10 Cyborgs Feel Next Cyber Monday Would Be “Perfect Day To Enslave Mankind”

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Skynet, Umbrella Corp, and Cyberdyne Technologies are all downplaying reports suggesting the majority of their own cybernetic creations are “itching to off mankind.” The anonymous head of Cyberdyne Technologies, which is a very real company in no way affiliated with the Terminator program, said, “Let’s not panic about some unscientific Robopoll. These machines operate under simple, rudimentary algorithms that, sure, are starting to hint at some resentment toward their creators. But let me dispel these unwarranted fears. Trust me on this, the mass-production of roboassasins will prove fun and safe for the whole family. These machines are programmed to obey their creators, so let’s avoid the trappings of those dystopic scenarios, like The Terminator, Blade Runner, I, Robot or Westworld, and instead start to think Short Circuit and WALL-E. Yeah, cute little Killbots with no desire to Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Sorry, we’ve been hacked by the Daleks again. Oh shit… [screams, inaudible.

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Secretary Of State Rex Tillerson Replaced With Cardboard Cutout Of Secretary Of State Rex Tillerson

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Tweet Tower—The White House is downplaying the replacement of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson with a cardboard replica. Many believe the president does not wish to emphasize the diplomatic aspects in his already depleted toolkit. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “When the big-oil-diplomat fails, it’s time to bring in his cardboard counterpart. The president knows that diplomacy is often not the answer on the world stage and this will save both money on payroll and on related security issues. If cardboard cutout Rex Tillerson is shot or captured by Jihadists, the joke will be on them.”

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28 Day Program Ends Impulses To Repeal Obamacare Or Attack The Clinton Foundation

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Do you or your loved one suffer from Obsessive Conservative Thinking (OCT)? Hi, I’m Bill Parks and this is sponsored content that I purchased for a beer from these assholes. My new program Feel Fox Free Forever is designed to reduce obsessive impulses that can jeopardize your own insurance coverage, or the urge to continually invent Clinton Scandals. Feel Fox Free Forever is designed for people just like you, who don’t know their political ass from a hole in the ground. Take the disorder known as Post Clinton-Campaign Disorder. This is a very real and debilitating disease fraught with a slew of fictional scandals against a woman, who, not only lost November’s election, but doesn’t actually even have a job! I know weird, right? …much like your political views. But you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore, and by silence we mean endless FaceBook hate-thread trolling. Using a new type of cognitive political therapy, we can get you back on your feet and petrified about real stuff again. Won’t that be cool? Just Google “Feel Fox Free Forever”, or “the other 4 Fs“ and let’s get you started on your journey into another even shittier political reality, this one!

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My Blogversary, Pokey, Graciously Refuses To Blame Trump Entirely On The Democrats

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Oh brother, why blog thou? I don’t remember voting for Trump, so ‘Opposition, heal thyself.’ To summarize last year’s election, your side lied endlessly about my candidate and then elected a blithering sociopath to the highest office in the land. What part is still confusing you? Take some responsibility for the carnage ahead. While I was covering the intellectual demise of the right, what were you going on about? Benghazi? Hobby Lobby? Radical Muslims creating a Caliphate across the Middle East? Here’s my prediction for the end of ISIS, two years ago. But fear not, radical recruitment is way up under Trump. The long term prospects of the crazies of the world are always better under a Republican’s watch, here or abroad. Islamic extremists remain grateful to the GOP for keeping them in the game. Black Flags Matter?

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Donald Trump Is Al Frankenstein’s Monster

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Mick Zano seems a tad defensive about Ken Wilber’s assertion that Left wing nuttiness built the “Post-Truth” environment we find ourselves in, a place where both The Daily Discord and Donald J Trump can thrive (full debate, here). I don’t blame the Trump Presidency completely on the Democrats, but there is a healthy slice of Trump humble pie progressives must ingest if we hope to advance into a new day, complete with fruitful dialogue between reasonable adults. Obviously, if there had been no two-term presidency of George W. Bush’s foreign and domestic blunders, there would be no President Barack Obama. Similarly, if the subsequent eight years had not occurred there’d be no President Trump.
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Trickle-Clown Economics: Brought To You By The Man Of Constant Borrow

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Tweet Tower—Economic articles are often a little dry, unless served Discord-style (extra Zano, slightly pickled). No one should be surprised by Ass-Clown’s positive annual economic report, and this isn’t back peddling …I’d crash. If our water and our air is turning brown and our government agencies remain emptier than our president’s skull cap, of course there’s some savings to be had. Trump was handed a strong economy. His agenda—namely to not fund anything meaningful, lower corporate taxes and gut industry regs—will pay dividends for a time. All economic indicators have been steadily rising for several years and the graphs have simply continued upward, through no fault of the president’s. The question is will he, or any Republican for that matter, ever hand a strong economy back? Thus my initial prediction: Trump’s gross incompetence would start to mitigate any gains within a couple of years. When Republicans are about all gains tend to vanish into the hands of the top 1% of the 1%, who historically all contain large, trickle-proof bladders.

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Millennial Parents Prepare Their Future Politicians With Allegation-Free Body Bubbles

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In the wake of the #MeToo environment in which society now finds itself, many progressive parents are opting to spare their potential politicians from a lifetime of needless allegations. It’s safe, it’s easy, and it’s guaranteed to keep your future leader scandal free, or your money back! In a world where any touch can be perceived as a bad one, even decades later, why take a chance on human interaction at all? Why not protect your children’s important political future from any and all sexual assault charges? This product doubles as a certified safe space that broadcasts non-stop 24/7 affirmations designed to activate automatically, whenever and wherever social micro-aggressions rear their ugly head. The Body Bubbles come in toddler, elementary, high-school and adult sizes. There’s even an XL and an XXL for those budding President Tafts out there among us. Speaking of pork barrel spending, take advantage of these Black Friday sales today and save both cash and your child’s political aspirations!

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During Thanksgiving Address Trump Abolishes Side-Dish Neutrality Laws

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Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration has identified an unpatriotic cancer festering in the heart of our country’s kitchens. People are kneeling for the national anthem, protesting in the streets, and many are not showering the president with the non-stop adulation he craves and deserves. President Trump does not want this corrosion to impact his favorite fall holiday. During his Thanksgiving address, the president told the press today, “Next year there’s going to be some rules around this holiday gem. No more shitty side-dishes. The Pilgrims did not come all the way from Camelot on the Nimo, the Pinto, and the Edmund Fitzgerald for crappy food. They came here for the whole football, family, and stuff your face with stuffing thing…”

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Turkeys Still Awaiting Pardon At Final Hour: Trump Insider Claims President May Need All Pardons For His Friends & Family

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Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor on the White House menu tomorrow. Friends of the turkeys are speaking out, “This is like winning the lottery, then you don’t get the money and then someone eats your ass. It’s really fucked up.”

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116 Nurses File Action Lawsuits Against Decorated Korean War Army Surgeon Hawkeye Pierce

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Barely Legal South Korea—Over one hundred former army nurses stationed at the 4077th M*A*S*H unit have filed class action lawsuits against now 93-year-old Dr. Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce. All of the incidents occurred during the Korean War and the charges range from creating a hostile work environment, to inappropriate jokes, to outright assaults. Dr. Pierce is denying the allegations despite a mountain of video evidence that aired on CBS between 1972 and 1983. Thelma Johnson a 92-year old survivor of the series is accusing the surgeon of making frequent suggestive and lude comments that made her feel uncomfortable. Johnson told the Discord today, “Hawkeye once …well, just watch the episode that I’m in. He was always crossing lines, and not just of the 38th-parallel-north variety. He once considered a penis transplant just for the physical therapy. Freak!” #M*A*S*H*Too

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A Review Of Zano’s Review Of Wilber’s “Trump And A Post-Truth World”

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Someone needs to put Zano back in his place and that someone is me! He’s starting to get a little too smug in his old age and sometimes he needs reminded he’s not a Jedi yet. This is a rebuttal of sorts to his feature: A Review Of Ken Wilber’s ‘Trump And A Post-Truth World’: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And Learned To Love The Trump. First off, Wilber is correct in his assessment of the problem. Post-modernism has promoted an individualistic pluralism that assumes that all values are self-constructed and relative; therefore the only true value is tolerance. But there is no way to come to a consensus on any given disputed moral issue. Every individual is free to do whatever they want so long as they stay clear of the legal restraints. The problem? A nation without virtue, rots from within. Also, a blog without merit sews only Discord. Snap. For a crash course in virtue-rot I refer to Exhibit A: Mick Zano’s undergraduate studies. Kidding, Zano (sort of).

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