Why don’t you go recuse yourself …sideways.
China: 130-Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Eggs Sold As 130-Million-Year-Old Egg Dish
by Mick Zano •
Dim Sum restaurant owner Li Sun not only helped discover a clatch of old dinosaur eggs at a construction site near his home, but he’s serving them as a million-year-old egg special that includes shredded pork and rice congee. The #12 on his menu is a favorite among the culinary adventurous. Sun admits the eggs are “a little hard”, but otherwise they are a popular novelty item. Sun admits some of his customers have chipped their teeth during the ingestion process, but overall the feedback has been positive. “There is a dentist right next door,” said Sun. “That’s a small price to pay to say you ate a dinosaur. So the only thing to fear is, well, you should also avoid the #14. It’s a little chewy and we’re not really sure why.”
Disparity, What’s Your Policy? E Deplorable Unum: Out Of The Tax Plan Rides The One Percent
by Mick Zano •
The U.S. just received one of the worst disparity of wealth scores among developed countries by the World Economic Forum, and this dismal achievement occurred before the pending carnage of Trump’s new tax plan. Luckily Republicans can’t discern if any country, or if any thing is even developed [Roy Moore joke removed by the editor]. Today our nation’s disparity trails even Russia’s …you know, the country at least partly responsible for our current State of the Union. From Russia with Lube? St. Petersbugger? Katherine the Make America Great Again? [Roy Moore’s horse joke removed by the editor].
Sorry, it’s a condition, please continue…
Cryptosubologist Posits Giant Submarine Once Dominated Our Oceans
by Mick Zano •
Oceans 11 (because our oceans go to 11)—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Casino, has put forth a controversial new theory of our ancient oceans. Dr. Hogbein believes the early Ordovician period, traditionally believed to have been dominated by giant nautiloids and hemorrhoids, was actually ruled by a giant extinct submarine known as megalasub. “These were truly giants of the deep,” said Hogbein, “Nothing could have stood a chance against a submarine that could grow to the length of 375 meters. Could you imagine if Subway served a 375 meter long sub? I can’t, thankfully.”
Top 10 Daily Discord New Year’s Resolutions
by Mick Zano •
1. One out of ten Discord posts will be non-Trump related (or your money back!)
2. No more *cough* …limit use of words: moronjority, ass-clown Hitler, and incurables
3. Only trim weed in states that have already legalized pot
4. No more *cough* …limit drunk Facebooking
Judge Roy Moore Calls “Foul” As Horse “Sassy” Denied Vote
by Mick Zano •
Sweet Home Alabama—Judge Roy Moore is claiming the recent special senatorial election was clearly rigged against horses. The former judge and presumed pedophile is pointing to widespread equine voter suppression as the culprit behind his recent loss to known liberal and Hillary-sympathizer, Doug Jones. Moore told the press today, “Sassy gets even sassier when her vote is being systematically suppressed by liberals. Not on my watch, not in my country, and not on the horse I rode in on. There is enough evidence today that horses did not get to vote to trigger a recount, particularly if Trigger didn’t get a vote.”
The Discord’s Decade In Review: The Fine Line Between Questioning Authority And Questioning Reality
by Mick Zano •
Perusing the Discord files was an enlightening trip down memory-impaired lane. It was a great reminder of the staggering consistency of Republican ignorance. The Ingraham-style Angle is always a distraction and it’s an astoundingly cyclic and repetitive one. An event happens, Republicans draw the opposite conclusion, then they’re proven wrong, then they’re too busy being wrong about something else to notice, and then Reince, Priebus, Repeat. So what were they going on about six months ago? According to our archives here. How about this time last year? Pizzagate! Remember that slice of cheesy crapolla? How about two years ago? In 2015 Pokey was Caliphate fear-mongering for Christmas. Holy Crusades Batman! How about this time in 2013? Oh, yeah, Travelgate. Wow! Check out that overblown pile of Traveloshitty, here. It’s harder to go back in the archives further from our old server, but dammit, let’s do this! Yep, it gets worse as you go back …for them. Over the years my predictions seem to be spot on, so there’s must be spot off …which is fine if you’re a carpet cleaner.
Ancestry.com Reveals The Truth! Heat Miser And Trump Related!
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—An unknown staffer has leaked Donald Trump’s Ancestry.com results to the press. A clear genetic link has been identified between the sitting president and the notorious Heat Miser, of The Year Without A Santa Clause fame. The staffer obviously released the information due to the recent level of coordination occuring between the two. The Heat Miser was the key adviser to encourage Trump to abandon the Paris Accords and is also at the center of the controversial joint venture into Trump Resort & Casino Iceland.
The Discord Had A Christmas Post Scheduled And Then …Yeah, This Guy
by Mick Zano •
UFO Scare Explained: Upon Surveying Local Leadership, Space Sperm Opts Not To Impregnate Earth
by Mick Zano •
Is Police Dog Color Blindness Impeding Our Justice Department’s Racist Brutality Efforts?
by Mick Zano •
In the wake of Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ effort to “take a bite out of crime”, the use of K9-assisted arrests has risen sharply in 2017. Many are blaming our nation’s increase in dogular related injuries on the Trump Administration’s appointment of McGruff the Crime Dog to head the Department of Dog-Bone Minority. The Department of Injustice is disturbed by recent arrest statistics, which seem to indicate very little incident-to-race bias whatsoever. Experts believe the inherent color blindness of our canine law enforcement officers may be the barrier to munching on more Mexicans.
Now The Anticlimactic Conclusion Of Town Survivor
by Mr. Sherman •
Shock Poll: Most Americans Unable To Distinguish President Trump From Large Pile Of Excrement
by Mick Zano •
Trump To Replace Words ‘Climate Change’ In Government Documents With ‘Robert Mueller’
by Mick Zano •
The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.
Mueller Team Replacements? SETI And NASA To Scour Galaxy For Any Sign Of Intelligent Life That Doesn’t Think Trump Is An Idiot
by Mick Zano •
The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this time, so pro-Trump factions are suggesting the search for unbiased life be expanded to include quadrants beyond the boundary of our known solar system.
Hour IV Or *Sigh*, As It Appears On The Video, Hour IIII Of A Five Hour Town Survival Situation
by Mr. Sherman •
Naked and Afraid’s Eva Rupert is not commenting on this episode and has asked us to stop calling.
Today’s Fox News Headlines Finally Inspired A Solution: Adding Laughtracks
by Mick Zano •
In this case levity is the mother of invention. Let’s give this experiment a shot with today’s important Fox headlines:
Sanders: ‘Your mind is in the gutter’ if you think Trump’s tweet at Gillibrand was sexual!
Executive Decree? Trump To Write Check To End Balances
by Mick Zano •
With infallible regularity, each and every news cycle the rightwing alchemists transmute the obscene and the aberrant into mainstream gold. We may well be on the verge of another Nixon-style Saturday Night Massacre Saturday, but instead of the resignation speech to follow we’ll probably see a pre-Iraq-invasion like ‘next logical step.’ Fox News Alert: Most Deem The Firing Of Mueller’s Team ‘Inevitable’. Did Mueller Even Give Trump A Choice? The success of such a profound fib will signify the mystical conversion of logic into illogic, truth into lies, freedom into tyranny. Despite all rhyme or reason, the ongoing transmutation of reality into Foxal matter continues. Even my supposed truth-seeking blogversary remains complicit in the death throes of our republic. Nice.
How long can a party continue to support an ideology that prefers pedophiles to progressives? On that note, stay tuned for my open letter to Republican ignorance…
Hour III Of A Two Man Epic Fight For Survival In Downtown Flagstaff
by Mr. Sherman •
Naked And Afraid’s Eva Rupert has awarded Alex Bone a PSI of 1, mainly for swindling Zano out of his beer $.