Republicans Are From Mars, Liberals Are From Salinas

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My blogvesary recently asked me, why can’t we just discuss the issues? He then implied that I’m not really good at it. There’s a good reason we can’t just do that. In fact, I’ve been trying to convey what’s happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media sources, or competent journalists, or pertinent facts, why bother? One side is simply not up to the task. Never confuse the warrior class with the thinking class. Some California liberals may have a far left worldview, but at least they’re discussing issues relevant to this planet. The answers to all of our problems lie somewhere between our most conservative Democratic politicians to the wildest left-leaning hair on Bernie Sander’s head. You show me an idea right of Clair McCaskill (D-MO) and I will show you a delusion. Everything right of her is garbage, and you know what we do with garbage today, right? We dump it in the river behind the factory.

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Paul Ryan’s Departure Tribute At Sistine Chapel Questioned

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Rome, IT—Many are voicing their concern with the decision to “upgrade” Michelangelo’s work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryan’s pending retirement. Those in Italy who really strive for a balanced budget seem happy with the move, but others are claiming the priceless work has been irreparable defaced.

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Jobs Report: 70% Of Jobs Created Under Trump Are “Crisis Actor” Related

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Tweet Tower—With crisis comes opportunity and with Trump comes enough crises to employee an estimated 1.1 million crisis acting Americans (CAA). The White House is downplaying the negative implications of this aspect of the jobs report and instead remains focused on the overall low unemployment figures. Critics are pointing to the fact that endless acute situations, which only create temporary employment for young liberals, are less than helpful. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “How does this help the average American? I am depressed. We need a troupe of professional liberal whiners and protestors about as much as we need another six weeks of this damnable winter #KillPhil.”

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Witnesses Place Hillary Clinton At Trump Tower Moments Before Deadly Blaze

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New York, NY—Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted moments before a fire erupted on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower high-rise, killing one tenant and injuring five Russian spies. The NYC Fire Department said, “The fire was under control about 9:00 PM, which is more than I can say for our President, who spent the night tweeting through the hallways and insisting that no one turn on the building’s five sprinklers to avoid further water damage. The cause of the fire has been ruled ‘Benghazi-like’ and may have been caused by lasers mounted to the end of our former Secretary of State’s fingers.”

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What I Learned About The Holiday Political Conversation: The Don’ts And Don’ts

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Amidst the Age of Ignorance, family gatherings are really starting to suck, but here’s what I’ve learned from the latest holiday gauntlet. Many of us are now facing this uncomfortable reunion reality: Hey, let’s get a lot of people who don’t agree on anything and serve them a shit-ton of holiday cheer! The demise of the political conversation has been a long time coming, but how do we protect the next generation from Republican thought? Thoughts in-and-of themselves are generally a good thing, but when it comes to the rightwing, ‘thought’ has nothing do with it. Healthy debates and exchanges of ideas are certainly the hallmark of a functional and vibrant democracy, but, umm, we don’t have one of those. Have you met President Ass-Clown Hitler?

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller Spotted On Actual Fishing Expedition

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Key West, FL—Saturday afternoon a picture of Special Counsel Robert Mueller surfaced on Facebook. The picture depicts Mueller kicking back on a fishing boat with a check-in pin that suggests the image was taken in Key West, Florida. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “Come on! I don’t care how much he likes fishing, he had to know how bad the optics would look! So who took the picture, Comey or McCabe? Did he tag them on FB? When did he fish, and what did he fish for? Let’s call this one Saltwater-gate.”

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Students Beat See Through Backpack Rule With 3D-Printed See Through Guns

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Kissimmee, FL—Armed teachers, armed security guards and see-through backpacks are all on the menu for the state of Florida as administrators wrestle with the challenges of keeping children safe at school. Students are fighting back as they are concerned the balance of power has been unnecessarily stacked against them. Head of the Student Council, Brad Perkins, said, “History is fraught with imbalances of power that trigger a justifiable response. Sorry about the use of the word ‘trigger’; it was a cheap shot. Anyway, we want to be ready for any and all contingencies: crazy guards, strict teachers, radicals, lone gunman, bullies, alt-right types or Methodists.”

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After Body Discovered At Cherry Blossom Festival Trump Fires Vinny And Knuckles

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Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the firing of Vincent “Vinny” Gagootz and Frankie “Knuckles” Marinelli shorty after the Washington Examiner broke the story of the discovery of a body in the Tidal Basin of the nation’s capital. President Trump is calling any connection between the pugnacious pair and the body that washed ashore during the Cherry Blossom Festival early Saturday as “Fake News.” The president told the press today, “These are not the guys who hide the bodies…obviously. We are going to miss Vinny and Knuckles around here. They’re good thugs, the best thugs. I don’t think this face *cough* I mean, this place is going to be the same without them.”

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NK Defector Admits: “All Of Our Microphones Lead To Same Karaoke Machine”

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Pyongyang, NK—A recent North Korean defector, Ji Sung, suggested all of his country’s microphones are hooked up to “the same crappy-assed karaoke machine.” The defector was able to successfully cross the DMZ between North and South Koreas last month and met yesterday with a prominent Seoul journalist. During the interview Sung said, “After each press conference Kim Jong Un dimmed the lights and then sung either Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline or Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. And, wow, our glorious leader is a lousy singer. But we all had to clap and raise our lighters, under pain of death. I won’t miss that shit.”

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Falling Chinese Space Station Set To Obliterate Mar-a-Lago!

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Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump is reportedly “furious” with the news of the current trajectory of the Chinese space station, the Tiangong-1. Current data from both the China National Space Administration and NASA estimates the decaying orbit of the doomed space lab will end on April 1st directly over Trump’s prized resort, Mar-a-Lago. The Chinese government is maintaining their story that this is an “uncontrolled re-entry” and later added the word, “Oopsies”.

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Ignoring Advisers Again, Trump Congratulates Putin On Recent Mall Fire

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Kemerovo, RU—Despite instructions written clearly on an index card in ALL CAPS, President Donald Trump congratulated President Putin today for the Winter Cherry Mall fire that claimed 64 Russian lives. The mall fire, which equates to a series of errors including the disabling of the public announcement system and a number of blocked emergency exit, is currently a national disgrace. Present and former diplomats alike were aghast at Trump’s comments and are calling them “insensitive” and “really dumb.”

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A Confused National Security Adviser Found Wandering From Nursing Home

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Rusty Acres—Shortly before medication time, National Security Adviser John Bolton was found outside of his nursing home, walking in circles and babbling to himself incoherently. The manager of the group home said, “This isn’t uncommon for John. He sometimes says he’s just trying to get the United Nations to ‘stir some shit up’. We usually just direct him back to his room where he can get back to sticking pins in his ‘towel head’ doll collection.”

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John Bolton’s Checks And Imbalances, Or Down The Rabid Hole

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Today’s GOP is defined by a powerful presentism. Its members are locked in a 24-hour news cycle of their own creation, which allows them the freedom to ignore their own shortsightedness. Talk about the elephant in the room. My blogvesary is a freedom guy, who just happens to blindly back a populist-tyrant. How the hell does that happen? How do you ignore our own country’s descent into a rogue state? Hell, Nazism rose as a direct result of the botched Treaty of Versailles, so what’s your excuse, my friend? Did someone try to provide you with healthcare? Awwwe, poor fella’. Republicans are like a Monkee with a gun. Last Train To Auschwitz? Zenwrongness in today’s rightwing politics marks their almost Bodhisattva-like ability to remain fixated on the wrong thing. It’s like meditating backwards, so your mind becomes noisier, more cluttered, and less disciplined. Blindfulness training? Let’s all go into the Rose Garden and focus on the sound of one of Hillary’s emails being deleted.

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Robotic Dog Causes Driverless Car To Hit Unmanned Drone Carrying Handless Headsets

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Seattle, WA—Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos left his robotic dog off its leash during its morning walk to do its bushiness, which he claims involves balancing the Amazon budget, when suddenly the mutt darted into traffic. The act caused a driverless Uber to hit one of his Amazon’s delivery drones carrying a shipment of handless handsets. You can’t make this shit up, folks, well I did, but you probably can’t is my point.

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In Historic Tweet Reversal, Trump Vetoes Own Budget Veto #Tweeto

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Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump just signed the largest spending bill in the History of the World: Part 1. Yes, the entire $1.3 trillion budget is going directly to the Mel Brooks Institute and Grille. The president is hoping some of the money can go to removing the E from Grill. “There should be no E in Grill,” said Trump. “There is a hooker in my grill, again, but there’s still no E. Oh, and that bitch had it coming. If I just spent 1.3 zillion dollars, someone should be able to clean the hooker parts from my friggin’ grille. Someone said the E is silent, but I shouldn’t have to pay for that or for any carnage on the hood, or even planned parenthood. At least take the Es out. Speaking of not even there, can someone do something about the grill gore, for god’s sake.”

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Outgoing Sec. Of State Claims There’s Oil Deposits Forming Under White House Swamp

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Tweet Tower—The outgoing Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, is insisting there are untapped fossil fuels in the swamps of the White House’s south lawn. Mr. Tillerson told reporters, “What happens when you bury a ton of journalists and a bunch of staffers who knew too much under the same plot of land? Oil, that’s what happens. Its production is accelerated when its compressed under so much bullshit. I intend to harness those untapped reservoirs through conventional, fracking, and off-swamp drilling procedures. Oil, it’s what’s for breakfast.”

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Palm Before The Stormy? Upon Growing Tired Of “Tugging The Little Tyrant” Trump Dialed Daniels

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Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

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Putin Ekes Out Reelection Victory With Mere 137% Of Vote

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Moscow—Vladimir Putin has thwarted defeat yet again in the 2018 Russian presidential race. In the end he received 137% of the votes, making this election his third best showing of all time. Election day polls suggested the incumbent was slipping to 115% of the vote and some polls even showed Putin with an anemic 102% approval rating. Many blame this electoral ebb on his decision to poison a father & daughter in the UK, “So close to election day.” In a gracious acceptance speech that occurred to the backdrop of the execution of his political rivals, Putin promised to vanquish Russia’s enemies and poison its frenemies. Despite the well received message many Russian citizens are still questioning his choice of campaign slogan: Nerve Agents Take Noive!

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