Coal Lobbyist Pegged To Head EPA Envisions A New ‘Screwtopia’ For America

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Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”

Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:

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Top Ten Slogans Rejected By X-Box

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Gathering the Top Ten Slogans Rejected by X-Box was a long and difficult process. It’s a thankless job, and payless. But when some of my pale-faced interviewees couldn’t figure out how to light their firewall because they’d never gone camping before, we were able to surround ourselves with all of the women in attendance. Social phobia seems to go hand-in-hand with video addiction. Despite this perk, camping with a bunch of avid gamers is not recommended. They did eventually give up the goods and I uncovered the top ten X-Box slogans that were ultimately rejected:

 

1.     Doing our part to lower teen pregnancy.

2.   Making it even easier to ignore your children since 2001.

3.     Objectifying virtual women in an effort to decrease the objectifying of actual women.

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I Can’t Talk About Politics Rationally Anymore, But At Least There Was A Time I Could

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This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?

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Trump Annexes The 4th Of July From Rest Of Planet!

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Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.

*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).

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Trump’s Interview Questions To Supreme Court Nominees Leaked!

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Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?

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Pope-style Bubble Mobiles Issued To Key Trump Officials Over Safety Concerns

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Tweet Tower—In order to protect members of the Trump Administration from PBR cans, Starbucks lids, and spitballs, key members of the Trump Administration have been issued a Safe Space of their own. At least a dozen Trumpsters are being issued Secret Service protection as well as cool bubble cars. Many are calling this a natural progression as  republicans already live in a political bubble, so an actual physical bubble represents the next next logical step in their devolution. Eventually these vehicles will double as swamp fan boats so, once indicted, they can simply return to their primordial ooze.

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UnPresidented? Trump To Use Temp Agency To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy

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Tweet Tower—Only hours after the announcement of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s pending retirement, President Trump tweeted his intention to fill the Supreme Court vacancy in a timely manner. He later announced that he’d be using his friends at Speedy Temp to hire a competent and professional Supreme Court Justice “minus all of the usual red tape.” Moments ago the president signed an executive order that skips the whole “nomination/congressional approval thing,” which he hopes will make the transition for Supreme Court Justice Larry faster and smoother.

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Trump Spotted at Sam’s Club Purchasing Pardons in Bulk

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Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”

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Let’s Play, Did Any Fox-Spawned Political Scandal Prove Relevant?

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If President Trump wants us all to be a little more like North Koreans, here’s my Daily Despot decree. Hear ye, hear ye, all Republicans! Authoritarianism is the opposite of freedom  …oh, and it doesn’t involve supporting your local authors either. Here’s a handy dandy scandal overview that lists the findings of our special counsels and judicial experts over the years. The conclusions of these investigations show how our right-wing types always get their day in court, but probably shouldn’t. How many thousands of news hours are wasted each year by Fox and Frauds? Hasn’t it gone on long enough? If our Republican friends devolve any further, grasping for straws will become much harder (what with the lack of opposable thumbs and all).

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Liberal Restaurants To Only Serve Trump Supporters Gay Wedding Cakes

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San Francisco, CA—If you enter an establishment with a certain red hat or other Trump-Related-Insensitive-Paraphernalia (aka, Bad TRIPs), you may not be able to order everything from the menu. Fear not brave populists, many restaurant owners are starting to store a few gay wedding cakes in the back, which they will gladly sell to their rightwing patrons at an inflated price. These cake toppings are often a little racy, with either bent over grooms or icing dildos for the ladies, but they are tasty. A 29% kitchen-to-table tariff will also be included in your bill and saliva can and might be added for no extra charge. It’s not that Republicans are not welcome in liberal districts anymore, they just have to order a la shart.

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Chico Chica Compromise? Trump To Reunite Detained Border Crossers With ‘A’ Child

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Tweet Tower—Several hundred children remain missing at this hour since the DOJ’s controversial border policy went into effect in May that separates children from those individuals attempting to cross into the U.S. illegally. Reuniting the children with their families since Trump’s recent policy reversal has proven difficult, however, as record keeping is “no longer a thing” in the Age of Trump. The White House has announced a proposed plan promising those detained at the border will receive a voucher allowing them to be reunited with the same number of children that they arrived with. The U.S. Customs and Border Agency will explain to each parent that the child may well be their own, but it is statistically unlikely. 

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Border Tag Order? Children Of Illegals Tagged & Released Back Into The Wild

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Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling-down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.

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Facebook: They Say It’s Your Birthday!

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For my birthday this year—which usually involves someone buying me a beer, in May—I am asking for donations to The Daily Discord.com. Or at least enough money to fund a Donation Button, which involves thirty minutes of WordPress time that I’m not, as yet, willing to donate. It’s like a button that sends me cash so I can keep making fun of Republicans in a timely manner. I know in 2018 it’s pretty low hanging fruit, but I do it each week with a certain liberal pizazz. Oh, and I had to change my birthday on FB to make this joke happen and now Zuckerdick isn’t letting me change it back! Fascist Book? Maybe fighting the man should be a separate donation button, or something… Anyway, please send all proceeds to my PayPal account that I haven’t bothered to set up yet. I really should have thought this through better.

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Mueller’s Guinness Leak Of World Records? “Everyone On Trump’s Team Tried To Collude, But Completely Screwed The Pooch!”

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Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”

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The Deep State Versus The Shallow State

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My blogversary always demands answers each week to his nonsensical questions, despite their irrelevance. You can not deny that during the Frost/Nixon interview both men were wearing pants. True or False, Zano?! Both wore pants! For his latest lie-a-tribe, he’s trying to pin me down to either ‘true’ or ‘false’ statements on a series of Spygate inquiries. For those who stick to news relevant to this planet, the Hannity’s of the world have created an FBI counter-narrative designed to muddy the Russia-probe. True to form, Pokey is never interested in the past or the future, because conservatives live entirely in an ever-present news cycle of their own creation. My related zenwrongness theory points to a permanent Nirvana-like conservative political state for the terminally cheesy. Briepiphany? Dharmaesan? Presentism is a gift from our rightwing propagandists. Who knew Joseph Goebbles was so enrightened? 

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The Persistence Of The Resistance Despite Any Subsistence

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There Zano goes again, ranting about everything except the evidence. He never challenges a fact, context, or inference that I’ve made on any subject. Zano characterizes my perspective as another “fictional scandal” since Republican investigations never (not once ever) find anything of relevance. Of course, Zano’s definition of relevance precludes facts that counter his position. Zano changes the subject to Bush’s illegal War, and then, presenting no evidence, he accuse Trump of “rampant”, not merely ordinary run of the mill authoritarianism. Then Zano goes on to praise my timeline as proving his own point, if he actually has any.

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Trump Planning “Very Special G-7 Summit” At Mar-a-Lago On 9/11

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Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!

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G-7 Photo Op-Gate? A Cardboard Substitute Allegedly Attended Several Events For President Trump

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Quebec, CDN—President Trump apparently arrived much later to the G-7 summit than was originally reported. In fact, the U.S. representative did not attend the traditional world leader photo shoot. Instead a cardboard cutout was propped between Germany’s Angela Merkel and Canada’s Justin Trudeau at the last minute. When asked why none of the leaders leaked this information to the press, they all had a variation of the same response: “We greatly preferred the company of the cardboard cutout.” Justin Trudeau was particular incensed with the President of the United State’s behavior at the summit and wished the cardboard substitute could have “stayed the whole time.” Trudeau went on to say, “If he acts like that again, we will take certain measures. And I’m warning Mr. Trump that Canadian ‘time outs’ take place in the Yukon and involve being chained to a polar bear.”

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Astronomers Downgrade ‘Solo’ To Movietoid

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A long time ago, in a box office far, far away—Hailed as an American space western, Solo: A Star Wars Story follows the exploits of character Han Solo and his Wookie companion, Chewbacca. This time LucasFilm went with director Ron Howard, best known for playing Opie in the popular 60s situation comedy, The Andy Griffith Show. The film was named after the one person who went to see this space dud since it’s opening last week. Many are calling this a huge victory for the empire, who really don’t like how they are portrayed in most of the films.

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