Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the discovery of a very suspicious tin can with a string attached to it in the White House. The can, which the president believes is some type of listening device, was found on his desk in the Oval Office. Perhaps even more disturbing, a string connected to the can disappears into a nearby wall. Those closest to the president believe this incident has only stoked his paranoia. Many in the White House theorize there’s another cup at the end of that string, a cup that many believe rests at the very heart of the deep state.

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Washington—The curator of the National Archives notified The White House today that the 25^th Constitutional Amendment has been removed from the museum. Today the amendments go from the 24^th directly to the 26^th. According to the curator of the National Archives, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, the document was wiped from the records and the amendment itself, signed by the 89^th Congress in 1967, is missing. Dr. Hogbein said, “The document disappeared sometime over the weekend, and all references to the amendment itself were removed from the Library of Congress via a search/replace Word feature. The document must have been smuggled out, so someone please check Sandy Berger’s pants.” The missing 25^th Amendment allows for a sitting president to be impeached if deemed an “ass-clown”. Many are calling the timing of this incident ‘suspicious’. 

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San Jaun, PR—The liberal fascist group known as ANTIFA is claiming responsibility for the vast majority of deaths contributed to Maria, a category four hurricane that struck President Trump’s twitter feed last September. In an effort to inflate the number of deaths, which stands at nearly 3,000, an ANTIFA sleeper cell woke up and started unhooking old people’s oxygen and raiding the last of their supplies. The head of ANTIFA’s operation in Puerto Rico, who is also named Antifa, said, “If they had some soup left, we ate the soup. If they were taking meds, we sold the meds. During the clean up we even dragged some of the trees back onto the roadways. Oh, and, when we were tallying those killed by the storm, we counted by 12s. It got hard eventually, because 12s are hard to count by. We estimate that the storm itself was only responsible for a couple of dozen deaths, aka two, but we were able to inflate that number in a big way through some good old fashioned liberal nastiness.”

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Kidding, he’s probably going to see this and want to share.

The Ocean—Florence, a category-four hurricane with sustainable winds up to 130mph, is bearing down on the nation’s southeastern coast at this hour. The unwanted visitor is clearly in violation of new Maritime Meteorological laws. The Department of Justice is considering charging the storm with speeding, disorderly conduct, and aiding & abetting oceanic mischief. If the storm chooses to make landfall in the U.S. illegally, additional charges are being floated involving stuff floating, misappropriation of water, and conspiracy to commit tidal surges. In a rare tweet of solidarity with his own Attorney General, President Trump said, “Turnaround at once, Florence, and go back to whatever Shit Hole Country You came from!! Otherwise Cyclone meet ICE #AnyDeportationInAStorm “

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Do you have a confused friend perseverating on Fox News-esque distractions instead of the news? Since I do, let’s call this an intervention post. I’m trying to help my friend and blogvesary shift his focus from the actions of the Feds, who rightly identified a brewing executive constitutional crisis, toward those who are perpetuating this pending disaster. My friend remains fixated on some perceived intelligence community wrongdoing in an effort to avoid this slow moving republic ending/coup/con/circus/collapse. We’re not going to do this with facts, as Republicans are immune, so let’s try some handy dandy comparisons to drive this important point home:

10. If this were middle-Earth you’d be ignoring the presence of the dark riders in the Shire only to focus on the lousy dinner special at the Green Dragon. In my friend’s defense, it’s true, the dinner special—something called ‘low tide chicken’—is tanking on middle-Yelp.

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Concern for our Republican friend’s ability to process information is growing throughout the scientific community. This is especially true when it comes to ones ability to identify dangers. Thanks to recent studies using MRI and brain scanning technology, science is getting ever closer to understanding the conservative brain. Too much Fox News viewing can result in an overly-worked and oversized amygdala. This important brain structure helps us identify dangers and is the part of the brain associated with survival instincts. Our perception of danger can become skewed with long term 24/7 news propaganda. A nonstop fear response results in excessive blood flow to this region that over time causes a form of political PTSD. Certain themes can trigger the amygdala shifting our perception from the mundane to the monstrous. This is why Fox-watching is now the fifth F of primal human behavior. Once the reptilian brain is activated many of the higher functions of the frontal lobes are overridden. Sound familiar? This can even happen in a polling booth. Take this simple test to see if your amygdala suffers from Fox Fatigue Syndrome (FFS). These questions get progressively harder and progressively more progressive. If at any point this test becomes too intense, turn on Fox News or your favorite AM radio station and bitch about border security, minorities or millennials before completing this important assessment tool.

Take this test today. You have the right to know!

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