“I am the doom that came to the doom that came to Sarnath.” —Alex Bone
Calm Down, America! Much Like Anthony Weiner On Social Media These Caravans Tend To Peter Out
by Mick Zano •
South of the Border—My friend and blogvesary has unknowingly been encouraged to weaponize the topic of immigration reform right before the midterms. He really thinks he’s coming up with this latest brainfart all by his lonesome, which is adorable. Yeah, let’s ignore the whole tyrant-minus-any-checks-&-balances thing so we may bring you the latest rightwing distraction, in caravan form. This issue is near and dear to their hateful hearts, isn’t it?
Military Positions Giant Barbed Slinky Along Border To Get Caravan As They’re Coming Up The Stairs
by Mick Zano •
Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”
Hannity’s List Of Trumpcomplishments Makes Don Quiote’s Paint-Huffing Cousin Seem Grounded
by Mick Zano •
This annoying thing happened online last week. Before I could even answer someone in comment-thread-land, this fella was labeled a troll and banned from the group. Now this was a Facebook group for folks who want to vent about Republicans, so I get it, but let’s never be afraid to counter Republican ignorance with facts wherever and whenever their bullshit surfaces. I realize we will never win hearts and minds, because having them is a prerequisite, but we can’t always retreat to our safe space and our hate spaces. GAB.com’s relationship to the synagogue shooter is the latest example of a weaponized social media forum. I realize there are no easy answers here, because who wants to keep debating delusion (see: my lifework)? So this man/troll/banished fella countered one of my Discord articles with a long list of Trump’s “accomplishments” (not the one above with the added poop emojis). He pasted a much larger pile of Foxal-matter onto that comment thread. Let’s take a look at these gems.
The Top Ten Reasons Vampires Won’t Turn Trump Into The Undead
by Alex Bone •
1. Because he wants them to (vampires suffer from Oppositional Undeadfiance Disorder).
2. You need at least a 100 IQ to be turned, no exceptions (well, except Tom Cruise and Robert Pattinson). Vampires, as a rule, won’t turn children (so Trump’s 0 for 2).
3. No creature preternatural or otherwise would want to listen to Trump for multiple lifespans. Talk about term limits…
Supporting Fascism In The Name Of Freedom
by Mick Zano •
Yeah, uh, stop doing that. Republicans claim to be the great protectors of the constitution, and they’ll impose martial law to prove it. Thankfully the right-wing’s authoritarian skillset is still in its infancy stage, much like their elected officials. After reading my recent review of Albright’s book on fascism, my Republican friend recently added Jonah Goldberg’s book Liberal Fascism to my suggested reading list. Sure the liberal version of fascism exists, but is it really the problem today? There’s an alt-right ideology in the oval office, so let’s focus instead on some ANTIFA-type wandering the ghetto with a ‘safe space’ sign? Really? To summarize our debates over the years, it’s my list of ‘ongoing Republican atrocities’ vs. my friend’s list of ‘perceived liberal insults’. Whereas liberal led investigations tend to end in indictments, theirs end only with more ‘questions’. Quibbling over the details while missing every sign of the Trumpocalypse is crazy making. Pokey, Pokey, if this were the movie Jaws, and those first ominous ‘dah-dums’ started playing in the background, you’d be too focused on your Jelly Fish Menace op-ed piece to notice …which you’re writing from a floatie …after you cut your leg shaving. Sorry, but you can’t put ads in the newspaper for a presidential strongman and then talk to me about the importance of being a constitutionalist.
[Retraction: I guess you can.]
Suspected Pipe Bomber Allowed To Drop Off Early Ballot On Way To Police Station
by Mick Zano •
Miami, FL—56-year-old Cesar Sayoc was arrested yesterday in connection with the string of suspicious packages mailed to prominent democrats across the country. Details of the man’s trip to the 5th precinct are now emerging and it appears he was allowed to stop by the post office to cast his vote before being processed. An unnamed law enforcement official claims the man was also allowed to contact his lawyer, Vladmir Putin, Julian Assange, National Security Adviser John Bolton, as well as the fictional Bond villian Ernst Blowfeld.
Pelosi-Schumer Skyway Designed To Bring Illegal Caravan Directly To Polling Stations
by Mick Zano •
Sierra Vista, AZ—A large caravan of immigration hopefuls is indeed tearing through Mexico in a direct line to the U.S.’s southern border at this hour. In an effort to turn Arizona blue, democrats in congress are proposing a plan to harness this untapped voting demographic. They hope to have taxpayer money earmarked for a makeshift bridge-tunnel system that will funnel this large group of soon-to-be illegal immigrants directly into key swing districts.
Distribution Of Alternative Facts To Key Districts Ramps Up Ahead Of Midterms
by Mick Zano •
Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Saudis: Consulate Dismemberment Ruled Death By Natural Causes
by Mick Zano •
Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.
Awkward Moment As Saudis Dispatch Pompeo Back To Turkey With Bleach And Gloves
by Mick Zano •
Riyadh, SAU—Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked the world to give Saudi Arabia “just a little more time to hide the body *cough* I mean, find the missing Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Look, I don’t want to talk about any of the facts. They didn’t want to either, because wow that would be awkward.” During the visit, after all the niceties and finger foods (pardon the pun), shit got real. Prince Mohammed bin Salman allegedly handed gloves and bleach to a stunned Pompeo. The above picture is believed to be the last one taken, before our Secretary of State was dispatched to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul for some “light housework and dusting.”
A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’
by Mick Zano •
In 2018 fascism is one of those terms thrust into the heart of the American scheissgeist and Albright’s book on the subject Fascism: A Warning offers a historical overview of when conditions turn toward such tyranny. She personalizes her own family’s account of fleeing Czechoslovakia to stay one step ahead of the Third Reich. Today, the Republicans want to flip the script and paint liberals as the fascists. This is not without precedent, as fascism can come from both sides, as Albright covers Chavez’s antics in Venezuela (take your own HOA for example, a truly bipartisan evil). Conservative’s attempt to cast liberals in the role of the villains today is laughable. Rightwing media keeps harping on recent collegiate instances of safe space speech suppression (SS²). The Republican’s fear of Antifa is overblown, and their own capabilities in this area are greatly minimized. But false equivalencies have always been the conservative’s bread and Buchenwald. Whereas progressives in this country don’t seem to vote for their worst common denominators, conservatives seem hell bent on the practice. Albright’s work equates Fascism to a soup, a soup that requires certain societal ingredients before it starts to simmer. Is it Nazi soup yet in America? There’s certainly a foul odor coming from the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. Whether or not our republic has the time to add something a little more Progresso to the mix leaves to be seen.
Did You Get That Presidential ‘Orange Alert’ Text This Week?
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Did anyone else get that Presidential Alert on your cellphone? I’ve gotten Amber Alerts when kids go missing, and Silver Alerts when the chronologically-challenged wander into the woods, but what the hell is an Orange Alert? Can we block our president from texting me? I blocked FEMA and Homeland Insecurity, but WTF? The actual message from our president was even more disturbing: This is just a text, had this been an actual social media emergency you would have been instructed to ‘like’ or ‘retweet’ the president’s latest psycobabble on twitter #RetweetEmergency. I’m actually not kidding about the Presidential Alert part, so what is this administration preparing for? Oh right, they don’t prepare for stuff. My bad.
Earliest Pumpkin Spice Latte Remains Discovered in Yakima Landfill
by Mick Zano •
Yakima, WA—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lounge, announced the unearthing of the oldest known remains of a pumpkin spice latte under the Terrace Heights Landfill in Yakima, Washington. The remains were excavated at the early Itunes level and carbon-dated to 2003 PB (Post Beyoncé). Dr. Hogbein said, “The original Starbucks recipe was tested in Vancouver, which, geographically speaking, is close enough to suggest we might be looking at a cup from the original batch, or pumpkotype.”
Right Abuse Matters
by Mick Zano •
The whole Kavanaugh debacle is a low point in U.S. politics, but, at this point, let’s acclimate. Sure it’s tough to watch our country’s principles, influence, and relevance wane amidst the lowlights from more of our lowlifes. But make no mistake, this post-truth world will give way to a post-American one. My prediction stands: during Trump’s first term we will have a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (2 out of 3 was the original gambit). A Trump second term will represent the proverbial ‘hat trick’, which would be great were this a hockey game. I can see it now, the ice littered with red hats, thousands of angry uneducated screaming fans, and the ‘beer bottles of freedom’ being hurled at the poor schmuck driving the Zamboni. I can relate to that poor schmuck on the Zamboni. Sorry you missed all this, Poke, while you were too busy earning your doctorate in comparative Benghazi studies.
To Kill A Mocking Slur: Resisting The Resistance
by Pokey McDooris •
Trump mocked the Dems as they hurled anything and everything at the supreme court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, dart board. No surprise, Zano is sticking by the liberal lies. If it wasn’t the Democratic Party, then who was it that lied to the public about Kavanaugh being a serial gang-rapist? I’m following the evidence, Zano. During prosecutor Rachel Mitchell’s closing segment, she asked, “I’ve been really impressed today because you’ve talked about norepinephrine and cortisol effects of trauma. Have you also educated yourself on the best way to get to memory and truth in terms of interviewing victims of trauma?” Dr. Ford answered, “No.” Mitchell said, “Would you believe me if I told you that there’s no study that says that this setting [the hearing] …is the best way to do that?”
[Laughter.]
Small Closed Casket Ceremony Held For Kavanaugh Confirmation
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?
Local News Station Broadcasting Yule Log 75 Days Early To Avoid Incessant Kavanaugh Coverage
by Mick Zano •
Springfield—Local news station KPRC of Springfield reports being “really done with the whole Kavanaugh thing.” In lieu of the ongoing and continuous coverage of the arduous Supreme Court nomination process, the Channel 2 news team has opted to spread some Christmas cheer a little early. The CEO of KPRC said, “No one wants to hear another word about Brett Kavanaugh’s past, but everyone loves Christmas. So I was like, just cut to that holiday fireplace thingie.”
Splitting Nobel Prize In Physics Triggers Massive Explosion
by Mick Zano •
Oslo, NO—The Nobel Committee’s announcement of two joint winners in physics this year triggered a huge explosion in Oslo today. The ‘winners’, a man from the U.S. and a woman from Canada, are still missing at this hour and presumed quantumly entangled. The explosion frightened many across a huge swath of the region. Along with some seismic aftershocks the event caused Maxwell’s Demon to shave Schrodinger’s Cat with Ockham’s Razor. “We really had our Bell Theorem rung today,” said Nobel Committee head Lars Slartibartfast. “We never should have thrown a woman into the mix; that’s always a volatile situation. Yeah, we blew some shit up. Live and learn. Next prize goes to a couple of immunologists, so I would take a step out of sneeze droplet-particle range if I were you.”