The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II.  Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will.  In other words, why wait for the next world war?  There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990).  Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class.  He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic.  Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening.  Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know). 

First, here’s what we are certain about certainty.  Cognitive dissonance is that quirky tendency to continue to cling to a belief despite overwhelming conflicting evidence.  My favorite example involves an exit poll during the 2006 election, wherein 70 percent of Republicans polled in Kansas felt Bush was doing a good job (2006, this millennium, the U.S.A., Earth.  Seventy percent approval rating); roll that around in your mouth for a while.

Delusional disorder is fascinating from the standpoint of psychotherapy.  Many people with delusional disorder are seemingly “normal”, until you mention the Mafia or the CIA and suddenly you’re talking to a combination of James Bond and Fox Mulder.  The symptoms of delusional disorder are cross-cultural but the themes are culture-specific.  There is a new American-made theme emerging that I would like to designate “The Illuminati Disorder:.  They are already among us! 

The basic psychological pitfalls we learn about in those Ivory Towers of Academia are the common cognitive distortions.  Briefly, here’s a few put into recent historical context (limited to one example per distortion, which proved challenging):

• Groupthink: Everyone thought there were WMDs (Reality: it was only one source, British Intelligence).
• Conservatism Bias (Ignoring any new evidence.): Stay the course.
• Focusing Effect: After 9/11, the world post 9/11 has had a dramatic 9/11ish impact on post 9/11 strategy and 9/11 thinking.  Oh, and by the way, 9/11.
• Irrational Escalation: Someone knocked down our buildings.  We cannot find the perpetrator, so let’s do something with these bombs.  Where is Iraq again? 
• Illusion of Control: I will spread Democracy throughout the Middle East (one naked pyramid at a time). 
• Omission Bias: The United States does not torture (unless taunted).
• Outcome Bias: Like Truman I will eventually be appreciated for liberating the Iraqi corpses…er, people.
• Planning Fallacy (aka, underestimating task-completion): The war will last six days, six weeks, I doubt six months.
• Base Rate Fallacy, Framing, and Confirmation Bias (cherry picking statistics.): Fill in your favorite Bush statistical distortion here ___________ .
• Post-Purchase Rationalization: Yes it’s about the oil and, of course, the value of my Halliburton stock.
• Wishful thinking: See any and all Bush and Cheney related statements made between 2003 and 2008.

The best example of Bush mental lapses is called the Dunning-Kruger Effect.  This is a double-your-trouble thought distortion, wherein you screw something up so badly at the onset that you compound the problem by never realizing you goofed.  Example: do I have to say it? These can be overcome through the application of cognitive/behavioral therapy and/or daiquiris.  President Bush, completely abstinent and having no access to a therapist, well, you get the picture. 

Another perhaps less known phenomenon is something called temporal illusions.  Essentially our brain makes believe it knows things it can’t possibly know.  Such distortions of reality occur not only on a cognitive level, but also on a perceptual one. Our brain, in essence, fills in the gaps.  This happens as we perceive things and then again, even more so, when we recall those fond memories, like those days in the sewers of Gotham battling back the Shit Goblin hordes.  Can you hear the CHUDS, Fernando?  Essentially those who believe we create our own reality may be onto something, even from a neurological perspective (Pokey is convinced the Shit Goblins have already infested our culture, but how does he know this?). In another slightly less delusional example, I felt Bush was wrong at every turn and on every policy since early 2002, and, as it turns out, I was wrong once. 

Our unreliable memories and interpretations of events are rather stunning. There are at least eight major memory pitfalls to which we are all susceptible. Psychology has come at it from a variety of angles with only one result: we’re facockda.  Studies have created false memories in otherwise psychologically healthy individuals (quite easily).  Even knowing the experimental design, participants still refused to believe the memories were false.  Back in Faber College, circa 1987, L. Wolfe, Dave, Pokey, Bald Tony, Oscar, Pierce and I rarely agreed on the events of the night before.  In my version, I always got the girl, won the pool game, outsmarted the TKEs, and ended the night singing a riveting rendition of “Freebird” to thunderous applause (bad example, I really do sing a mean “Freebird”.)  The point is, the police account on the back of my crumpled citation always painted a very different picture.

A new piece of this neurological puzzle leads us back to Dr. Burton’s research on the neural underpinnings of knowing.  The good doctor concludes that we do not decide things on a conscious level. Didn’t you ever wonder why all of those ‘aha moments’ seem to happen when we finally stop thinking about the problem?  Burton asserts that all of our decisions are fundamentally unconscious.  Well, it does explain my dating choices in college.

This is why a nuanced perspective is a considerably higher perspective than fundamentalism.  “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”  This is why there is not nearly as much space between Pat Robertson and Osama Bin Laden as there should be. 

Artists and mystics have always attributed knowing to something beyond themselves.  The choices behind inspiration then become: (1) individual hidden unconscious thought, (2) the collective unconscious, or (3) God.  We know our brains continue to work on problems after we stop thinking about them, and even during sleep.  For example, my unresolved problems with Jessica Alba often involve a late night trip to the hamper. 

Burton also discovered the area of the brain linked to certainty is not the cerebral cortex, but rather a much more primitive section, the limbic system (the same part of the brain associated with addiction).  Not only are our final decisions unconscious in nature, but Burton asserts that once these connections are established, they are difficult to override (similar to the addiction pathways).  This creates a “pattern of expectations” that has a life of its own.  In addicts, once these superhighways between the amygdala (emotion) and the hippocampus (memory) are forged, we are forever more susceptible to Pavlovian-like triggers, such as passing that bar or hearing that Floyd song on the radio (Robinson, Berridge and some other guy).  This isalso the case when we start getting down on ourselves; negative thought patterns become a broken record of sorts. 

Unless we can really make truly independent thoughts, we shouldn’t trust them.  But how can we trust anything these days?  Personally, I wanted to go Afghanistan and kick some Al-Qaeda ass in 2001, but now, a few short years later, I trust nothing but my own conclusions (even those are shaky).  Case in point: sorry about ordering that last round of car bombs, Vicky, I’m not usually like that.

Don’t forget to add a collapsing Constitution and a failing global market, which is priming us for some major fictitious neural nitpicking (MFNN). Bush and Roveian tactics have amalgamated the paranoia in our society to a fevered pitch, which will further interfere with our ability to make rational decisions.  You see, stress further impairs thinking., as if our own brains weren’t screwed up enough.  Neocons remain convinced that to protect ourselves we must embrace a slew of antisocial policies that do not have a prayer of bringing about the desired results.  Even faced with the last eight years of catastrophic leadership, they are more afraid of democratic bleeding hearts than of their own sociopathic policies. Not to be out done, liberals will bring ideology to absurd levels.  Nancy Pelosi will not allow the harnessing of wind and solar energy in the Mojave Desert, because she can not see that alternative fuel alternatives are more important than the view along route 40 (Let’s not forget how solar energy could disrupt the indigenous desert sand gorgons).

I believe, along with others, that each ideology can be matched to a specific level of consciousness.  This thought is revolting to liberals, who again suffer from flat perspective thinking.  Sand has as much right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as our children.  Both left and right agendas are somewhat delusional if you ask my clinical self (don’t ask my non-clinical self; he likes to kill young women for sport). 

In the Journal of Neuroscience, Dr Tali Sharot recently discovered that we tend to choose things that ‘light up’ a particular area of the brain.  Activity in this brain region, namely the caudate nucleus, actually predicts choice.  Depressing isn’t it? 

So where does this leave us?  We decide things with an unreliable, easily impressionable, rigid, blinky brain that makes its decisions unconsciously, wonderful.  Add an inherent stubbornness to change established viewpoints, and we, as a species, start to suck at this whole rational-thought thing.  Free will, becomes Free Willy, becomes Will Farrell.  I don’t know what that means; I guess Will Farrell just lights up my caudate nucleus.

It sounds like our species has some work to do if it ever hopes to move toward anything resembling informed independent choice.  The government, the media, the Democrats and the Republicans are not to be trusted.  Only your own judgments, free of bias, can reach anything resembling the truth.   Maybe this is why my predictions have come to pass over the course of the last decade, or, then again, maybe I just suffer from Hindsight Bias.  I think I will sleep on that, drink some daiquiris, and dream of Will Farrell.

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know:

1. Swine flu does not cause violent testicular eruptions, except in lab mice.
2. Surgical masks are a freaking JOKE.  If you really think a paper surgical mask with leaking gaps all around the interface between it and your face are going to prevent you from being exposed to a sub-micron sized virus, I have a bridge to nowhere to sell you in Alaska. Surgical masks are designed to keep particulate-sized droplets of spit from spraying out of a surgeon’s mouth and into your gaping chest when doctors are performing that bypass surgery you needed after your ill conceived Big Mac eating contest. They cannot and do not stop you from inhaling airborne bacteria or viruses (or inhaling Big Macs for that matter). If you wear a surgical mask it does a far better job at protecting me from you than it does protecting you from me. And I own an Uzi, which further complicates things.  On the other hand, surgical masks may make women think you’re a doctor, which should moderately improve your chances of getting laid tonight.
3. Don’t eat pork.  Pigs are cloven-hoofed animals anyway, and everyone knows eating the meat will give you swine flu.  Really?  Have we all porked our educations that badly?
4. Don’t eat horse meat. You’ll catch Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis (VEE).  Really.
5. The 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic killed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million people.  There are over six billion people on the planet now.  Therefore, even if the Swine flu kills as many people as the 1918 flu, that is only 0.3% of the world’s population. Just trimming the fat from a historical perspective. That equates to approximately 1 person per 300.  McDooris can kill more than that with one malt-liquor-enhanced beer-fart and, no, the mask won’t help (I tried it my sophomore year). And don’t talk to me about percentages of the 1918 population and percentages of the current population, you’re either on my side or you’re on the side of the virus.  Stay the horse.
6. This is not The Stand.
7. Every year in the U.S., over 20,000 people die from the flu. This number can be as high as 50,000 deaths each year, depending upon how you link flu-related deaths and you’re ability to effectively use an abacus.  That’s the “normal” flu we are all used to.  It’s irresponsible for mainstream media sources to be blowing this swine flu thing so far out of proportion.  Yes, WHO is tracking a potentially serious flu outbreak; yes, some precautions are necessary; yes, some people will die, but, no, it is not necessary to scare the crap out of everyone.  That will happen naturally, after you contract the flu. On the Brightside, think of the money you will save on colon cleansing products.  Besides, hyping nonsensical news items is our job. You mainstream media people keep to biased reporting and quit encroaching on our turf!  After all, we have, in true alpha male fashion, pissed in every virtual corner of this website.   This is another reason Winslow should stop paying the Ghetto Shaman in malt liquor products.
8. The best thing anyone can do is wash their hands.  Wash them often.  People are freaking disgusting in my opinion. I have sat in the public crapper many times, in my traditional Senator Craig-like wide stance, and heard some gross bastard drop a juicy loosie, wipe insufficiently, and walk right out without so much as turning on the faucet. (He’s probably the same guy making your Big Macs, by the way).  Wash your goddam’ hands you gross, degenerate! And not just after the bathroom; wash them often.  Remember, that gross bastard has to open doors with the same door handles you do. (Another disgusting side note: your olfactory sense functions by detecting small particles that create a sensation of smell. So, if you smell that disgusting bastard in the crapper, well, I’m sure your surgical mask blocks that little particle. It’s certainly bigger than a virus, and therefore you can’t smell it; or can you?).  
9. Lastly, don’t freak out.  Don’t go all Pierce Winslow on us.  Do be sensible: wash your hands; keep your kids informed but not hysterical; and by all means keep spending money to stimulate the economy.  This isn’t the Black Death. Flogging yourself won’t beat out the demons, and the death carts won’t be rolling through your streets anytime soon.  Unless, of course, my itchy Uzi trigger finger says otherwise.  Look at it this way: when it’s all said and done the human race will be a little stronger for it and we may lose some of those gross, never-washing-their-hands degenerates.  Peter Sellers had it right when he said, “this is a swine flu, but this too shall pass.”

Al Gore and the environmental stewards of the world have been pushing us to stop burning fossil fuels before we all shrivel under Venus-like greenhouse effects into tiny crispy-critter char-balls (CCCBs).  OK, Alfonso, we all agree something needs to be done.  We all want to reduce our carbon footprint, although maybe in the U.S. “carbon ass-print” is more like it. One option, which I have written about previously here at the Discord, is wind energy.  Certainly breaking wind makes us all feel better.  But, solar energy is another option recently championed by the green meanies.

“Solar energy, the ultimate sustainable energy source!” they say.  “Free energy!” they say.  “A hybrid in every pot!” they say.   “Free sustainable hydroponic pot energy!” they say.   Sorry.

But whoa, cowboy, there are problems with solar, too.  Al Gore and his one million in Nobel Prize money won’t say it, though.  First, there is a significant carbon ass-print associated with the manufacturing of solar panels.  Second, there are all those batteries that are needed to store the energy for all those times when and where the sun don’t shine.  Batteries have a HUGE carbon ass-print, and beyond that, they have all those nasty heavy (and very toxic) metals in them, like Algorite.  But there is another more troubling problem with solar power in this age of fossil fuelism, a phenomenon known as Global Dimming. 

You’ve never heard of Global Dimming?  No.  Sorry.  We are not talking about that child left behind.

Didn’t you watch An Inconvenient Truth?  Oh, that’s right, good ‘ol Al ‘forgot’ to mention it.  Perhaps it ended up on the cutting room floor in favor of the segment on the long history of the Gore family farm, or the segment on the sister who died of lung cancer.  Or, more likely, it wasn’t discussed because Global Dimming is sort of an inconvenient truth for An Inconvenient Truth.  It would damper some of the green crowd’s enthusiasm if people actually understood this phenomenon.

So what is Global Dimming, you ask?  Well, surprisingly, it is one of the primary factors that have proven that global warming (oops, sorry, that’s not PC) global climate change is occurring and is directly related to human activity.  Here is the 30-second overview (or the 30-minute, if you’re that child left behind):

• In the 1950s, an Israeli scientist conducted detailed measurements of the Sun’s energy in order to improve evaporation calculations and design better irrigation systems in Israel.  The study was very thorough and included dozens of locations throughout Israel.
• In the 1980s, that same scientist conducted the same studies again at the same locations in Israel.  He found that the Sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface had been REDUCED by over 4% from the levels measured in the 1950s. “Holy Milk and Honey, Batman!”  So, he went back and checked everything about the 1950 and 1980s experiments and found that he had done everything right.  Indeed, the Sun’s energy reaching the Earth was definitely 4% less than in the 1950s.
• Why is this reverse trend happening?  Increased volcanic activity?  Cyclical changes in the suns output?  Zamboni Gypsies?  Shit goblins? No…but those are all good answers.  How about particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels?  Huh?  This is the correct answer. All we are saying is give smog a chance.
• After publishing his findings, this scientist was ridiculed by many and berated as a crackpot.  A decade later, however, substantial lines of evidence from all over the world were vindicating his study and providing additional lines of evidence.
• In the 1990s, an intensive multinational effort was conducted that proved, beyond a shadow of a shit goblin, that particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels has indeed led to the 4% reduction in the sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface over much of the globe.

So what are the consequences of this global dimming?

One truly frightening revelation is this: without global dimming, the effects of global warming (er, climate change) would be significantly more obvious to us than it is today.  In fact, global dimming, and its associated cooling effect on the Earth, has actually tempered the heating effect of greenhouse gases.  One obvious problem becomes this: the moment we actually start reducing fossil fuel pollution, there is likely going to be a significant spike in the heating effect of the current levels of greenhouse gas as the amount of our sun’s energy reaching the Earth’s surface increases dramatically. 

How is that for irony?  And that’s real irony, not the Alanis Morissette kind of irony, which really isn’t irony at all; isn’t that ironic?  Don’t ya think?

Second, global dimming actually significantly decreases the effectiveness of solar energy sources.  Be it photovoltaic cells or reflective heating technologies, global dimming decreases the effectiveness of these alternative energy solutions and makes them much less cost effective, which, in turn, means you need more batteries, more plastics, more this, more that, and next thing you know we are all sitting in Cabana chairs sipping boat drinks by some shriveled up Lake in Saskatchewan looking at a stuffed Polar Bear and thinking to ourselves, wow, they must have lived with those Mastodon thingies back in the day.

Pass me another boat drink, will ya’?  Whew, it’s hot.  Oh, we’re out of water and ice…all right, straight-up then.