Zano You Ignorant Slut
(Remember SNL, Kids?)

by The Crank • November 19, 2009

Did your fambly have the flu? Yes. (Funny, they don’t look fluish J). Free FAMBLA! Did you sit in front of the TV for a couple of days? Probably. Did you watch Fox? I seriously doubt it. Were you “lit” drinking cheap wine from a beer mug and inhaling massive quantities of second hand smoke? Most definitely. Your mind couldn’t take that much ‘anti-matter’ news in one sitting without blood trickling down your ears and your eyes glazing over as they rolled back into that cynical skull of yours. Remember the movie Scanners? Remember the scene where that guy’s head ‘splodes? That would have been you on 24hrs of Fox. Bullshit. Like Jack Nicholson said, “You can’t handle the truth.” You were probably switching back to the Contraindicated News Network when you were left alone, like a 12 year old kid switching back to “Girls Gone Wild” when mommy leaves the room.

You always seem to go back to your narrow minded little comfort zone. You could turn the fucking annihilation of mankind by Bastachuts from the planet Sfinktor into a “blame it on Bush” diatribe that would last till the last light went out in your fuzzy little gourd.

In the immortal woids of one Donald Henley, “Get Over It.”

You see, I rate current administrations by four questions: Do I feel safe? Do I have any money? Is it worth anything? And, how many pills am I forced by my doctor to take each morning to stay alive?

With the Bushmaster/Darth Cheney I was: Yes-Yes-Yes-and 4

I am now: No – hardly any – my corpulent derriere – and 7

Now this might be a little simplistic….OK, it’s a LOT simplistic, but then again, so am I.

Fox LIES. I wish just one of you “smarter than thou” lefterners would give me an example. And no, I don’t mean shit like death panels. I mean facts that they stated that proved false—not opinions, for there are enough idiot opinions to go around on both sides. If you do some fact checking, you will see that they don’t.

There is some scary shit in the Healthcare bill from Pelosula. Talk about lies, Obama said that if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That is a lie. The bill states that your plan will have 5 years to match the “government approved coverage,” or it will cease to exist. So even one’s “custom plan” is no more. It’s in there. That’s LESS choice, not more.

Can you imagine telling people that if they don’t purchase GOVERNMENT APPROVED healthcare, you will either pay a fine in the form of a 2% TAX, or, better yet, GO TO JAIL. This is totally unconstitutional! But it’s in there. I don’t know ‘bout you hoomans, but beige Gorillas don’t last long in jail. While you were ‘watching Fox’ during Girls Gone Wild commercials, I was trying desperately to read the fucking thing—something I know you and your elected Demonocrats haven’t bothered to do.

If their Czars were so innocent, why pray tell do they keep on throwing them under the Obamabus? And now, their Pay Czar says he is worried about losing qualified people to run these companies?

GOVERNMENT BY OBAMA = READY, FIRE, AIM.

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

THE CRANK

by Sean Kelsey • November 18, 2009

Looks like he’s blowing to the right again

by Mick Zano • November 17, 2009

Nov. 7, 2009

Nov. 12, 2009

Philadelphia, PA – The CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious over what looks to be more hijacked material. While viewing Fox’s Hannity on the November 12^th episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart snapped in an eerily similar manner to Mick Zano in the Discord’s November 7^th piece Super Fox Me.

“Zano isn’t even that funny,” said Winslow. “Why do people keep stealing his shit? And Stewart wasn’t just mocking Sean Hannity, he was making fun of a real incident…an incident with staggering mental health implications! Did you see that Teddy bear hanging in Stewart’s version? That’s our Mick. How is that funny?”

Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Massage Parlor, reported Mr. Zano had only become lucid moments before asking to watch Comedy Central.

“The Daily Show always used to make him laugh,” said Hogbien, stifling a tear.

The good doctor isn’t sure if Mr. Zano became incensed by the next round of blatantly stolen material, or if the piece was too similar to his recent ill-fated Fox blogathon.

“Either way, he’s back in a catatonic state,” said Hogbien. “We can’t rule out a complete PTSD breakdown, or menopause. If Mr. Zano should regain consciousness, I suggest no one mention the Daily Show, American Digest, or the fact that his Parah Salin bit was snagged by maniacworld.com. Shit…I think he heard that.”

“Our lawyer, Mr. Cohen, is certainly going to be busy,” warned Winslow. “The Crank has already drafted a less than politically correct letter to Comedy Central. It’s downright offensive actually.”

by Pokey McDooris • November 16, 2009

Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.

This is often a lonely road, upon which we sometimes catch a flash glimpse of the perfect sanctuary. The oasis…the archetypal hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life (which is a nice way of saying, I get tanked and puke in the alley with the Ghetto Shaman).

It’s not the place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state of mind.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner should be assessed primarily by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to turn parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The social etiquette should encourage a free flow through any and all social circles. Within the established hangout a person will feel comfortable to move about freely amongst different social circles. We are encouraged to follow our intuition. We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead a naked conga line with the Wal-Mart midgets.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment should play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. They should also provide quality goods and services, and they should expel anything that inhibits our goals of dynamic cultural experiences (such as the, aforementioned, alley vomiting).

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions. They have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. I once sat at a bar where two people on either side of me were both talking on their cell phones. I think they might have even been talking to each other!

Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party. Take the television for example. There is no possibility to mingle amongst different social circles or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. Regarding televisions, I have two pieces of advice for all bars: 1.) unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t allow any televisions onto your premises, and 2.) don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life. Along with this choice, I have simultaneously taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Even my pacemaker is on borrowed time. The Ghetto Shaman has offered to rip it out of my chest and offer it to the Owl People (very tempting).

Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational—like Zano’s—and will lead to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but at what cost? Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival (hoot, hoot). So now, with no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given those up yet…).

What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, social inhibitors to dynamic cultural experiences.

Spatial limitation can also strangle the life out of festivities. Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has proved to be a real bummer. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.

by Mick Zano • November 15, 2009

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It worked so well in the staff lounge we thought, why not?

by Mick Zano • November 14, 2009

Apocalypse Now: The Daily Discord Secretly Enriching Uranium?

Philadelphia, PA – The Bible warns of a powerful leader and a false prophet who would one day rise to power under the direction of ‘Our Lord’ Satan. It is prophesized that this unholy trio would ultimately bring about both the destruction of the world, as well as alternate street parking (not necessarily in that order). The Daily Discord’s own CEO, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that he and his trusty sidekick, the Ghetto Shaman, have been covertly enriching weapons grade uranium in the back of Winslow’s 1985 Ford Granada.

“That’s just crazy,” said Winslow, while laughing in a fake, unconvincing kind of way. “Besides, I own a 1986 Ford Granada.”

If the Discord is successful in obtaining a nuclear device, experts warn it could trigger an unprecedented virtual arms race that would quickly spread across the blogosphere. The above picture is believed to be the actual Discord weapons facility, or a close replica, or possibly a Neolithic bird sanctuary.

“If the Daily Discord were to obtain such a device,” said Winslow, “we would do what any good ezine would—nuke Facebook!“

by The Ghetto Shaman • November 13, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012? It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH

What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes? It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • November 12, 2009

We left our hero trying to live-blog Fox News 24 hours straight without going on a killing spree. Fox was talking about czars, the H1N1 twins were still sick, and I was running out of Deschute’s Porter. I would have gotten them both the vaccine, if the government wasn’t using it to track all of our activities. Besides, under Obama, any shot would inject socialized medicine directly into my veins.

Back to Fox, the 24 hour czars network. Apparently, it’s only American to have fascist czars. We don need no steenking socialist czars. Why can’t fascism and socialism both be bad for America? Everyone defends one or the other. If forced to choose, I would take a socialist czar every time. Let’s see, one will divvy shit up (Obama) while the other will drag you out of your house at night and torture you to death (Cheney). It’s a tough choice. I can see why the patriotards are so confused. Marx said crazy shit like capitalism would cause tensions that would ultimately tear it apart and other unhinged stuff like that. Being right is something waaaay beyond the Fox-eteers. Of course, this bit will drive any good patriotard insane, because this is in total conflict with the ‘Fox Transmission.’ Patriotards only equate socialism with the Soviet Union (which wasn’t remotely what Marx had in mind). For these folks, nothing computes beyond good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us, so by merely saying one is a higher perspective than the other equates to Zano = commie.

Personally, I don’t want any ideology driving my country into the shitter, but if forced to choose, Karl and I would have a great conversation over a brewski. As for that other German with the short mustache, not so much. An integralist would not support any uber ideology. Winslow and Atsals want a public option which could well result in a government takeover of healthcare (when we’re broke). The Crank and Pernick, not be outdone, will defend a broken system, as well as insurance companies, lawyers, bankers, and every other super-capitalistic CEO vulture circling for the kill. They haven’t gotten the memo—they’re now on the menu. Most people fall into these two camps, those attacking the people trying to save us, albeit badly (Republicans), or those attacking the people trying to screw us (Democrats). Sorry, but it’s like that sixties song, “nobody’s right, if everybody’s wrong.”

Wait, something else stupid is happening on Fox:

Oliver North just said, “We can declare victory today in Iraq.”

This statement is contra-indicated (sorry about that). How can someone be that stupid? Oh, that’s right, he’s a Fox Contributor (comes with the badge). Hey, Ollie, let’s dust off the Mission Accomplished banner again. Where is that banner these days? I’ll tell you where…hanging across a cave somewhere in Waziristan. Sorry, Ollie, but we haven’t passed the test until we leave. We can’t stay indefinitely. Oh, that’s right, you’re a neocon. Let’s occupy all Islamic countries indefinitely—they love that. Only one in four humans are Muslim, so that deductive gem couldn’t possibly lead to problems, right?

Great strides have been made in Iraq, no doubt, but if they unravel when we leave—which is my guess—then we’ve broken our piggy bank for what? Non-existent weapons? Oil? Halliburton stock? A family grudge? I keep forgetting their final rationalization.

This brings us to Glenn Beck’s show: The New Republic: America’s Future. Glenn Beck would have more credibility if he wasn’t on Fox and if he took his Zyprexa as prescribed. When Glenn was on CNN, he was still crazy, granted, but at least the nutball rightly identified the brick wall in our collective future. I was listening to Beck’s rants with some sympathy a few years ago, when the Teabaggers were cheering on the end of the Bill of Rights and stuff. Now they’re suddenly interested in our forefather’s vision. If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, sure he’d slap Obama, but he’d shoot Bush in the nads. But, wait, George would have an advantage in a duel. He would turn and fire after losing count—likely waaaay before 10.

Today Mr. Beck squandered his time trying to mobilize the Teabaggers through his ‘9/12 Project’ (or, as I call it, Juliani + 1). What the hell are they so mad about?

I believe I have the answer…

Many of us figured out a long time ago that Old Glory was going tits up. So we’ve had time to absorb that reality and plan our future accordingly (banana red Mad Dog, baby!). For patriotards, however, the last few months have resulted in some major sensory overload. Nothing is more poignant than Beck’s rants being unleashed on Fox the moment of Obama’s coronation.

Under Bush, the Fox-eteers were happily tooling through the Lollypop Woods toward the Molasses Swamp. Then the ‘Fox Transmission’ suddenly switched from ‘there’s nothing to see here’ and ‘ignore the man behind the curtain’(December, 2008) to ‘OH, MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!’ (January, 2009). That’s where the Crank gets all of his capitalized sentences. The ‘Transmission’ is now allowing their peeps to see the heaping pile of fecal matter they themselves helped to create. Millions of Keanues have just pulled off their cords and climbed out of that neoconic tub.

These Fox spawned dissonance groups, like the 9/12 Project and the Teabaggers, can be summed up thusly: they are, predominately, people who passed gas and then demand, “Who farted?!”

The only good news is at least they’ve finally identified the mess. Now, they just need to connect the dots as to how we got here. Sorry, but Barney Frank did not single-handedly end capitalism. We had a president during the sub-prime mortgage crash—a president who was warned, but decided his friends were making far too much money to start regulating stuff. What was his name again? Besides, half the amount lost in the sub prime mortgage fiasco was spent in Iraq, for some reason or another. Oh, and Incurious George also gave 700 billion dollars to a few of his banker buddies on the way out of office (and we still don’t know where any of that money went). Obama’s bailouts staved off a depression, at least temporarily, while Bush’s bailout helped several CEOs parachute safely to international commodities land. And Bush got away with that shit? I leave the Circle K with a Snicker bar and I’m toast.

I never did make it as late as Hannity, but I have to mention him now because he is, after all, the dingleberry atop the Fox News Shit Sunday. Who needs to watch him? I’m sure he covered Barney Frank (certainly some culpability), Acorn (who cares), czars (fine only under Bush), birth certificate (who cares), Obama’s socialist grade school teacher (who cares), healthcare (you know, death panels), and autoerotic asphyxiation (Hannity desperately needs therapy).

Sean Hannity’s greatest achievement to date is convincing the masses that smart people are really dumb and dumb people are really smart. Not an easy trick. But night after night, this is his mantra. As soon as you pay your tuition, some Bill Ayers type pulls you aside and hands you the liberal Kool Aid. Did they really get to all of us? Are all smart people really dumb? You really think that? Or, if all things being equal, is the simplest solution correct? Hannity wants us to believe everyone above 110 IQ = dumb and Sean Hannity and his ilk = smart. If that’s true, Occam’s Razor desperately needs one of those Save-A-Blades. Of course, in his defense, Hannity’s viewing audience thinks Occam is the city where Batman’s from.

I don’t EVER remember liberal views being pushed at me in college….er, I don’t remember much from college, period. But if I did drink any Kool Aid, I can assure you it was only spiked with alcohol. In reality, using your brain regularly makes you more prone to move up the consciousness ladder or, in my college scenario, the unconsciousness ladder.

If 95% percent of the time you believe the ‘Fox Transmission’ then you’re only right about five percent of the time. I’m not saying the other side is a whole lot better. The liberal media is now emulating Fox News. Thanks to Murdoch and Ailes, ideologically driven drivel (IDD) has proven to be lucrative. MSNBC just surpassed CNN, so here’s the media score card: ‘being really bad’ gets you to number 1, ‘getting really bad’ gets you to number 2, and having some objectivity gets you ‘Wolf Blitzered.’

Either way, MSNBC and Fox News make great book ends. No real books between them of any substance, of course, but pretty to look at on the bookshelf. It is funny to hear Sean Hannity say, “MSNBC is an extension of the White House.” HAH! He has to know how stupid he sounds. He does something for eight years, helps tank the country and all, and then he is astonished when someone else reaches into his bag of tricks. He has to know! Right? Tell me it’s a shtick. Please…

Fox polls indicate no one in America wants a public option and MSNBC polls suggest the country predominately wants a public option. If you defend either camp of these spin loons, I’m afraid you’ve drank the Kool Aid (the tragically unalcoholic kind).

I am still maddest at Bush for breaking a super power over his knee, but the media is a close second. The Obama Administration is only a distant third. Rarely in American history has anyone walked into a shittier position.

If Republicans hadn’t gone and fucked up capitalism so bad and, in your spare time, the rule of law, King Obama wouldn’t be revisiting other ideological models. Obama does seem to be whittling away at our first and second amendment rights…er, what I predicted. There is some real scary shit happening these days, but we should demand something other than a developmentally disabled news outlet to cover it. I will never believe the nonsense on Fox News, but unless we get a conservative outlet grounded in reality, they’re only going to continue to misinform. This will succeed in only motivating their bat shit base.

Now, if you will excuse me, it’s time to light the Bat Shit signal and once more defend Occam City from the patriotard menace.

by Mick Zano • November 11, 2009

Michelle Obama Scrutinizes the Collective Spine of the Democrats

by Mick Zano • November 10, 2009

Ghetto Shaman Implicated in Sedona Death Lodge Incident

Sedona, AZ – The murder investigation of a sweat lodge ceremony responsible for the deaths of three people on October 8th is currently shifting focus. Self-help guru, James Arthur Ray, is now pointing to the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman as the designer of the faulty sweat lodge. The Ghetto Shaman, known for his cutting edge new age sex crimes, is believed to have sold Ray the Acme sweat lodge construction kit that directly led to the fiasco in Sedona.

The Ghetto Shaman is still at large but has sent a message to the media via the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow: “Could you send me money, dude? Need to lay low for a while. I’m on the lamb. I am humping the lamb right now. Oh, oh, oh, yeah….oh baby. Send money, bitch!”

Pierce Winslow has replied to his wayward employee: “Turn yourself in. Do the right thing.”

But the post script is what has peeked the authorities’ curiosity. “P.S. – The check-ski is in the mail-ski. Oh, and your column-ski is now due-ski, bitch-ski.”

Winslow stated he will fully cooperate with authorities in bringing the controversial Shaman to justice-ski.

by Mick Zano • November 9, 2009

Nowhere, AZ – A few weeks ago the family had the flu, so I was stuck playing Florence Nightingale (any excuse to dress up like a nurse, really). Trapped with the sneezy twins, I decided to try watching Fox News all day, or at least as much as I could stomach. As the Crank asserts, the media needs to be critical and questioning of each administration—be the “thorn in their side”, as he put it, which is why I’ve gone from 20 to nearly 30 minutes of Fox News viewing per week (with frequent mental health breaks involving microbrews). As it turns out, Fox is fun and educational! Fine, it’s neither…but, I was trapped, and the only Netflix in the house were High School Musical and the second season of Sanctuary. Women…

From 2001 to 2008 there was no need for Fox News to be a ‘thorn in the side’ of anyone, because W. was so flawless and all. The blind spot of these folks would be laughable, had it not gone and wrecked the country. For all the Crank’s bitching about the liberal media, they’ve done nothing compared to Fox’s single-handedly reelecting Incurious George. But with the liberal media now borrowing from the Fox playbook, it becomes increasingly imperative a legitimate conservative news source emerges. Fact: Fox is just not going to improve. What would be their incentive? Hordes of patriotards are hanging on their every turd. The Fox-eteers are invariably wrong on a wide range of topics. Put another way: if I made 4,289 predictions in the last decade and only eight of them came to pass, well, I’ve just described Bill Krystol’s career. Fox News has discovered that they don’t need facts anymore, they can say or spin anything without fear of losing anyone from their bat shit base. (Hint: they cover the eight things they got right to death, and they spin the shit out of the other 4,281 issues.)

I don’t think it’s horribly patriotic to wish either side bottoms out completely. A healthy government means a healthy debate, but bad choice after bad choice after bad choice has brought the Republican’s to some dire straights. No longer can they get their money for nothing and their chicks for free.

The Crank brags how Fox is number one in cable news, but that’s not a badge of honor, it’s a symptom. I want to debate Christopher Hitchens, not Ann friggin’ Coulter. I protested on Shock and Awe day, but, after listening to Hitch for just a few minutes even I want to go bomb Baghdad again (just for fun). He eloquently defends the indefensible. He presents a logical rationale for the War on Terror. He is above the seventh grade, glass ceiling of the ‘Fox News All Stars’ (which is precisely why they have absolutely no use for him).

Here we go…now Fox is covering the scrapping of the F-22s. All morning they ‘forgot’ to point out that no one in the military was defending the continuation of the F-22 program. They never mentioned that the defense secretary himself (the same one under Bush) said they were obsolete. They just pandered to the defense contractors and the few congressmen who had job losses in their districts.

They concluded the segment with “We Are Now Wide Open for Attack.”

Sleep well America…

To keep with their ‘Obama sucks on defense’ theme, the next show talked about Obama’s scrapping of the missile defense system in Eastern Europe. Of course, they failed to mention that, 150 billion dollars and several decades later, we never did get a workable weapon (and the Crank makes fun of my college career?).

Throughout the segment the, supposedly left-leaning, host ended the interview by saying, “Oh, and with this program gone it leaves the east coast completely vulnerable to attack.” As if a dysfunctional weapons system in Poland would help us how?

Sleep well America…

[Fox News: brought to you buy Ambien CR]

In reality, the most significant Al-Qaeda threat since 911 was foiled under Obama. The Bush incidents were, for the most part, all fabricated Fox nonsense (FFN). A bunch of kids playing with matches with hardly any contact at all with any real terrorists. Two real terrorists with real attainable plans were busted lasted month by the FBI. Several key Al-Qaeda leaders in Afghanistan and Pakistan have recently been introduced to Allah via successful Predator Drone attacks. What Obama plans for Iran is up for grabs. Afghanistan would be fine if we could just go back in time eight years to when we had a real coalition, some cash, and some credibility. We took Kabul eight years ago and haven’t done a whole lot there since. Nothing is easy right about now. I think Afghanistan will be a failed state whether we dump another trillion into it or not. Biden has a point. Eight years ago we had a full deck of cards, but Bush has left us with one joker. In fact, I think he’s still our economic czar.

And finally someone has placed the U.S. in the position to mediate between Palestine and Israel. Obama hasn’t abandoned Israel; he’s simply shifted to the middle. You know, so he can mediate. Sorry, I realize we’re approaching High School level thought processes now.

Back to the blogathon:

Fox News has referenced ‘czars’ several dozen times during my hiatus from logical thinking.

After a gazillion czar references, some Fox commentator asked, “Is the media ignoring the czar controversy?”

Well, let’s see…Maddow and Olbermann over on MSNBC discuss it every night and you guys, number one and all, mention it every other sentence, so I’m guessing one could make the argument NO, the topic has NOT been ignored by the media.

OK, honestly, I only watched Fox for about an hour and half that day, and quite intermittently (did I mention I had rented High School Musical?). But stay tuned for the exciting sequel…

Wait, Winslow wants more of a cliffhanger ending:

Mick Zano, upon hearing some Foxite call this mess “the Bush Recovery,” went on a bloody killing spree through downtown Phoenix. Upon discharging round after round, eyewitnesses claim to have heard Zano saying, “Grog is great!”

(Stay tuned)

by Sean Kelsey • November 8, 2009

Did Darwin's Family Influence His Theory?

by Mick Zano • November 7, 2009

Super Fox Me: Discord Staffer Snaps During 24 Hour Fox News Blogathon

Nowhere, AZ – Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period. The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, “Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline. When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

“We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become” said Hogbien.

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, “Certainly not. In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol. But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • November 6, 2009

Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title? I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA

Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive! If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Alex Bone • November 5, 2009

Has this ever happened to you? You are trying to get in touch with a friend, which, these days, doesn’t involve a phone call or a letter. Maybe you are going to go old school and send an email, instead of a text.

“Hey man, we are heading out to 151 for a few nights—the usual place. We will be BBQin, playing horseshoes, the whole bit. Do you think you can make it?”

They reply, “cool.”

As Chuck Noise recently pointed out, our communication window is quickly shrinking. We all know this, but that is not what I am here to discuss. What I am wondering is how far will the spill off from this cultural shift towards brevity go? In particular, how might it affect music in its various forms?

But in most respects it was merely a mobile stereo, other than the fact that I was now isolating myself from the rest of the world. But, then again, it did help “the voices.”

In recent times, our options have increased. Music videos in some respects mixed our stereos with live performances. Now online services, such as U-tube, put a myriad of options at our fingertips 24/7, and as Tony Ballz is so happy to point out, it’s free! Still, this begs the question as to how, or if, this current trend of ADD-driven sound bites will effect music. How many times has someone posted a music video link in your email or Facebook page? Do you look at it, and if you do, do you bother to watch the whole thing?

“Come on man, that video was almost three minutes long, I don’t have time for that.”

Thanks to the punk movement, the eighties saw the invention of the incredibly shrinking song. Where the rock dinosaurs thought bigger was better, punkers could get a whole song belted out before Keith Moon could dig his drumsticks out of the woofer. In 1983 Poison Idea put out the album, Pick Your King. It has thirteen songs and is less than sixteen minutes long. Now, it seems the current trend in punk is for longer dirge songs, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Will some of the newer modern bands, which have members that grew up on text messages and My Space, create a new style of mini-music? Five years from now, will we be hearing mega short sound bite songs? Just like the little twenty second diddies that I can check out on my cell phone or blast from my Face Book page and then quickly move on.org. In an age where no one has the attention span to even bother to call a friend, when text messages will do, will music also tread down this Twittered path? On a related example, this post was originally the length of War and Peace, until Winslow got a hold of it.

I could be way off on this, but if you are listening to your middle school daughter hum some half minute tune, a few years from now, remember you heard it hear first.

Problems on the double,
Try to burst my bubble
Chaos all around
Feet never touch the ground
(4 second guitar solo)
I don’t know why
Fingers to the sky
I might as well try
Before I flippin die.

“Sorry Mr. Bone, but that song is a little longer than what we are looking for. If you can trim it down to half that size, maybe we could work out a deal.”

by Mick Zano • November 4, 2009

What…??

by Mick Zano • November 3, 2009

Additional Stimulus Funds Target Obama’s Sinking Poll Numbers

Washington, DC – President Obama injected yet another massive bundle of imaginary cash into the U.S. economy this week. These funds, now nearly as potent as the Canadian what-ever-the-hell-they-use, are slated to help the President’s own sinking poll numbers. The Obama Administration is hoping the proposed two-hundred billion dollars will help propel our ailing commander-and-chief back above a fifty-percent approval rating.

“I’m a narcissist who could become highly unstable if I’m not well-received,” said Obama.

He then reminded everyone of his access to a certain big red button that just “might get pressed if anyone gives me any shit about this.”

Obama hopes the sorely needed cash can repair the damage to his currently waning ‘stupid police’ vote, his limping ‘Jerry’s Kids’ vote, and his ever slipping ‘guns and religion clinging hickwad’ vote.

“Repairing my public relations missteps won’t come cheap,” said Obama. “But my plan to place Joe ‘Gaffey’ Biden on damage control should turn this ship around.”

Economists across the country warn that damage control to reverse Vice President Biden’s attempt at damage control could more than double our deficit. The Obama Administration’s economic team is downplaying this claim, but admits the next stimulus package to undo Biden’s impact will be “gi-fucking-normous.”

by The Crank • November 2, 2009

When I worried Obama was going to be the new Jiminy Carter, it never occurred to me that it could be worse. With the help from—as Mikko calls him, Sith Lord Rahm—Obama is quickly morphing into Richard Millhouse Nixon II. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the White House. Dad um, Dad um, Dadumdadumdadum. Our Prez and his Chief of Staff are control freaks that make Nixon look like Gandhi. Obama seized control of the American auto industry in the guise of “a much needed bailout to help working families.” We should have, let them ‘go Elvis’. That is very hard for me to admit, because I am a fan of both companies, not to mention Elvis. If Obama had let them die naturally, he couldn’t force them to “go green” and build cars that nobody F-ing wants. Although, never leaving the driveway is probably good for the environment. Detroit’s little dark secret, besides Ted Nugent, is that the government listed the top sellers during the Cash For Clunkers in such a way to make the small cars come out as best sellers. But, if you don’t divide trucks and SUVs into 4 classes (2wd trucks, 4wd trucks, 2wd SUVs and 4wd SUVs), the leading sellers were all …wait for it…..wait for it….TRUCKS!

Prius’s? We dun need no steengkeen Prius’s. Robert “Maximum Bob” Lutz (Lord of all that makes noise, uses liquid dinosaurs, and is all manly) said it best: “We are NOT in the societal improvement business, we are in the automobile business.” At least someone in Autoland still has some testicular fortitude.

Obama appoints a person to oversee the FCC that has publicly come out in favor of Governmental control of the airwaves (Franken-1, Imus-0). He then puts a person in control of “school safety” that wants to force elementary school teachers to teach about homosexuality and trans-genderism. (Mommy, what’s sodomy?). His “regulatory Czar” feels that the Fairness Doctrine doesn’t go far enough controlling the media (Franken-2, Imus -0). His Climate Czar thinks that Cap & Trade is the bee’s fucking knees and will save us from ourselves. I am sick and tired of being saved. Do you believe? Ah, I believe! Do you believe? Ah, I believe! Do you want to be saved? HELL NO. Sure I may have been, as Jerry Garcia tells us, going to hell in a hand basket, but at least, until the Obama Administration, I was enjoying the frigging ride. His Environment Czar was held in Contempt in 2003 for destroying documents a Judge had ordered forwarded to Landmark Legal Foundation when she was head of the EPA for Clinton. Afterward, her shredder looked more like a Dali clock.

Now, Obama seems to think that as far as his detractors go, if ya can’t convert ‘em, destroy ‘em. The National Chamber Of Commerce is now on his ever-growing Messiah shit list (MSL). They don’t like his Healthcare bill, or the Crap & Turd thing either. He is now doing an end run around the Chamber by contacting the listed companies directly so as to marginalize it. If ya can’t beat-em, ignore-em.

Fox News is his next listee. Trying to force the other networks to not cover certain stories, and pressuring Fox News coverage, is the Obama Administration’s most “Nixonian” thing yet. His two main henchmen appeared on all the Sunday morning news shows to tell the world that Fox wasn’t a “real news channel” (like MSN ‘BS’ is a real news channel?). Nixon revisited.

Doing just this type of thing came back and bit a crater in ol’ Millhouses ass. Rahm is now known to be emailing MSNBC commentators during stories to critique them. There is also a report today that Obama has held clandestine meetings with MSNBC commentators. Enters NBC: the New Barrack Channel. He now has “Move-on.org” people emailing all the Democratic Senators and Congressmen to tell them not to appear under any circumstances on Fox. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. It’s like telling your child, “Now honey, see that plate of chocolate chip cookies on the table? Don’t go near it.” Well, he could always get his “school safety Czar” to start up his next project, Bendover.org.

I think I know the reason for all this hoopla. I think that Obama’s presence in the White House has awakened the ghost of Nixon Past.