Bride of “Another Discord Apology”

by Pierce Winslow • December 29, 2009

The Daily Discord would like to set the record straight on several recent errors:

“Obama to Undress Gay Community” was simply an unfortunate typo, honest.

“Michael J. Fox’s War on Parkinsons off to Shaky Start” shows a distinct lack of journalistic integrity and/or class.

Our headline “Plot Thickens Over Drunken MILFs Mysterious Knee Bruises” was found to be offensive to drunken slutty MILFs everywhere.

In our defense, our editing staff is underpaid and almost completely disinterested at this point. They work in oppressive conditions under the constant fear and scrutiny of a mean and despicable man. Did you happen to catch A Christmas Carol this year? What Winslow would have done to those three ghosts…it makes me shudder.

by The Crank • December 28, 2009

Looking for a new CEO? GM has been run by its bean counters for more than a decade now. See how well that’s worked out. Putting Henderson out to pasture was a smart move. Don’t blow it now! Finance guys can’t run car companies; former telephone exec can’t run it; so who can? He is already on your staff, you autotard. He knows more about CARS than anyone out there. Bob Lutz is sacred to us car people. He is master of all that uses liquid dinosaurs and makes “The Good Noise”. They say, if you prick him, he bleeds 20w50. They say, he sleeps in a bed that is a full sized replica of a Testarossa, sans top. They say, his children are named Hurst & Shelby. They say, the head of his member has a shift pattern tattooed on it…

GM Vice President Robert “Maximum Bob” Lutz has recently stated to the press something that really says it all about governmental intrusion into the auto business:

“We are in the Automobile business, not the societal improvement business.”

Ooooooowe. There’s that “feeling going up and down my leg” that Chris Matthews must have been talking about.

If you don’t build CARS everyone wants to BUY, everyone loses. You are a fucking CAR company. Please re-read that last two sentences as many times as it takes for you to sink into that F-ing brain of yours. When the “Old GM” wanted its free money from our resident fascist in power, it was obvious that our very own “Il Duce” wanted something in return. He wanted the door to hit Rick Waggoner and Bob Lutz in their collective asses on the “way out.” Waggoner was a dipshit, so who cared, but Bob?

“Maximum Bob” is in his mid-seventies. He has more money than God, and he loves making and selling cars. He knows more about the business than anyone all the idiots on the “Auto Advisory Board” combined. That’s why he had to go. The last thing they wanted was someone who actually knew more than they did…someone who would argue with them, someone who couldn’t be bought, someone who wouldn’t kowtow to their wishes, someone with ‘God forbid’ standards.

Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, said in May that his livability initiative “is a way to coerce people out of their cars”. When asked if this was just more government intrusion into people’s lives, he responded “About everything we do around here is government intrusion in people’s lives.”

A government report says reliance on electric cars will do very little to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. It will just shift our dependence from one set of problems to another. The GAO report says that a plug-in car, if recharged at an outlet drawing its power from coal, provides a carbon dioxide savings of only 4% to 5%. If the feeling of saving the environment from driving an electric car causes people to drive more that small amount of savings vanishes. Bob knew this all along. It was all useless bullshit spread around by certain fat ex-Vice Presidents and GE. Many CEO’s stood to make a fortune on Crap-N-Turd.

I cried tears of joy when I heard the news that Bob decided to “un-retire.” It wasn’t all over, after all. There was still a chance I could hear the sweet, sweet tones of a well tuned Hemi V8 pass me like I was standing still. I could still smell the burning rubber at stoplights. I could still have the chance to rest my gaze upon fat tires, chrome wheels and bright paint—knowing full well there was, in fact, a large powerful engine under that hood.

When the “interim” GM CEO Fritz “I’z just a bean counter” Henderson was asked if the “late” Pontiac G8 rear drive V8 was going to be moved to another brand when Pontiac was put in its own little closet of doom, he said “No.” He wasn’t a fan of re-badging, and a large V8 powered rear drive passenger car was not in the future for GM. “Maximum Bob” was asked the same question in an interview right after his not-going-away announcement. He said that it was going to be a Chevy, probably called Caprice, because “it was just too good a car to waste.” Oh my, a real “Screw You, Barack” model, if I ever heard one. It is now acknowledged as being the basis of GM’s new cop car, slated to recoup some losses of fleet sales from Ford and the pre-historic Crown Vic, soon to be Caprice SS?? We’ll see…

For the people that dismiss being a “car guy” as infantile, and that a car is just a way to get from point A to point B, I remember a “Home Improvement” episode where Tim’s wife was dissing his Hot Rod. I remember him saying his car was a part of him, an extension of his personality, of who he is, and to dismiss it was to dismiss him.

I couldn’t agree more….

You are dismissed.

You have tried the rest, now try the best

MAXIMUM BOB LUTZ FOR CEO

NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

The Crank

by Mick Zano • December 27, 2009

Only 1 in 7 Americans forced to eat their young

by Mick Zano • December 26, 2009

Taos, NM — Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, is asking his fellow Americans to destroy all forms of bacon brownies.

“This highly unstable compound must be deleted from your hard drives and removed from your recipe folders,” said Hogbein.

Remember in the movie The Princess Bride that ‘Pit of Despair’ machine that could take years off your life? Hogbein posits the Man in Black was actually being force-fed bacon brownies intravenously.

“This singularly fatal dessert could be the tipping point that destroys healthcare,” warned Hogbein. “Our emergency rooms will be overrun if this nefarious concoction is unleashed on the masses!”

Military personnel believe it shouldn’t be too hard to track pork shipments in the Middle East. And the government is boasting at least one successful predator drone attack on a known Al-Qaeda Baking Camp in North Waziristan.

Dr. Hogbein believes bacon brownies might have led to the disappearance of the Mayans, the Atlantians, and parts of Fat Bastard.

“Besides, I had to take an extra Lipitor just to read the ingredient list.” Hogbein insists these pastries constitute an act of war. “Now that their recipe has been downloaded into Americana, all the terrorists would need to do now is bomb Pfizer, the makers of Lipitor, and we would be completely defenseless.”

Did I just say that out loud?

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 25, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism! For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY

Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock.

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • December 24, 2009

For my last trip to Vegas, I decided to look beyond the flashing and blinking lights of Sin City and really rate this town. Sorry, the blinking lights of Vegas are about as close to Christmas as you’re going to get here at the Discord. The biggest hurdle to my destination came in the form of a brewpub, the Boiler Room, in Laughlin, Nevada. This pub, constructed like the bowels of a giant ship, had a sign out front that read: Thirsty Thursdays: All Drafts 1 Dollar. It happened to be Thursday and I was, in fact, thirsty. Hmmmm. I opened my wallet and implemented an old college equation. A dollar a beer, so if I have eighty-dollars in my wallet…then that means I have…er, carry the one…a shit load of beer!

Wow. This place is so much more inviting than the other sign that says: Crab Cakes and Karaoke. The stout at the Boiler Room was very good, and did I mention it was only a dollar? Shortly into my trip, my plan to stop at three (and only three) places and partake in three (and only three) pints had already been completely blown out of the water (but only off by 77). In fact, the beer was so good and so cheap, I considered staying there until Happy Thursday slipped painfully back into F-ing $3.75 a Pint Friday. The dark time period known to the locals as Crappy Hour.

The back of this ship-shaped pub offered a nice view of the wrinkled mountains to the east. The rocks around Laughlin are more interesting than the landscape around Vegas (as far as rocks go). It was hard to leave. What helped my decision was the bartender’s suggestion, “Get the hell out, asshole.”

Actually, that was the first bar. So, with a heavy heart and bloated liver, I drove the forty-five minutes northward to Boulder City. The old town area had a nice wine bar and specialty beer shop with indoor and outdoor seating, a coffee shop/bar combo, a brewpub, and several other interesting joints. At the brewpub, the Black Canyon Shitty Stout was somehow masterfully brewed back into something resembling dark H₂0. The outdoor seating and the service brought the place up a notch (thankfully). But I did not try any of the other beers out of a healthy fear.

The town itself did seem to have a chip on its shoulder, as the main reason for the town’s existence, Boulder Dam, was no longer called Boulder—thanks to one of our worst presidents ever. The Bite Me Hoover Diner kind of spelled it out for me.

My last stop brought me to Barley’s Casino and Brewpub in Henderson—so close to Vegas you can smell it. In the same way ‘In Bed’ can be added to any fortune cookie fortune, Nevada has discovered anything can be paired with ‘And Casino.’ Apparently, even at rest stops, massage parlors, and laundromats. Smog Busters and Casino should be coming soon. Vegas is like a 50’s horror movie: It Came with Blinking Lights. At Barley’s I ordered a double bock and, I have to say, it was the best double bock I’ve had in some time. Somehow I managed to procure an outlet and a table, blissfully free of any blinking gaming thingies. This is a scarcity in Vegas and, for my trouble, the security people immediately started profiling me.

Ah, he’s sitting at the table without any games…yeah, pretty seedy-looking. Doesn’t seem to be eyeing the scantily clad women or any of the flashing lights. Should I apprehend?

Who works on their laptop in Vegas? It’s a red flag the size of the Stratosphere.

Sorry folks, but I have a laptop and I’m not afraid to use it. Of course, I couldn’t get online. The state of Nevada, or as I have come to call it ‘connection problem’, has serious Wi-Fi issues. Apparently, Nevada is an old Pauite Indian term meaning “connectivity issues.” You see, way back when, Vegas had cheap everything just to lure you in to gamble—like a sequin-covered spider web. Now, it’s top dollar for even Wi-Fi. Bastards!

Hey, a cigar shop! Why not?

I pulled into the store that said SMOKES/CIGARS. Walking across the parking lot, I realized this was not the best neighborhood. Hey, this joint is more about joints than cigars. They had glass blown bongs of all shapes and sizes. Their store facade should have said Reefer and Smokes. For a necessary visual aid, the Ghetto Shaman should have been passed out in the doorway. Then I would have gotten the message sooner. Next to no cigars adorned their skull-bong filled cases. In this store, under the big red sign that read CIGARS, I had about four choices. If I wanted a Swisher Sweet, dude, I’d have gone to the Circle K!

This misunderstanding tonight is the single most poignant argument for the legalization of marijuana. With proper legislation, next time I won’t stop at the Garcia Palace when I am really looking for Humidor Heaven.

I looked around and immediately saw another cigar shop about a block away. Cool. This town is gaining some points. I decided to walk it. As I approached the sign in question a sinking feeling crept upon me. Bald Tony rarely has running water. Then came a second, perhaps even more disturbing, thought, the sign over yonder was for the same cigar shop that I had just left.

SMOKES/CIGARS…you know, Reefer and Smokes.

As I walked back—the walk of shame—several groups of thuggy types were heading toward me when the startling realization crept upon me that: 1) I had more money in my wallet than usual (>5); 2) I should have drank more at the Boiler Room; and 3) if I were to die here on the way back to my car while walking toward the sign of the place that I had just left…well, it was then I realized:

I do not have nearly the insight one would expect for a person my age.

I survived. The thugs were probably intimidated by my Batman T. I was early, so I decided to hit one more place right by Bald Tony’s. After making it back to my Impala, I pulled out my trusty Tom Tom and proceeded to make a nearly fatal mistake. Never-ever search ‘Nightlife’ in Las Vegas on any GPS device. Really. Don’t. The bitch actually started smoking.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to hit one more place before the Great Bald One gets off his shift. So far Vegas rates an 8. The scale, however, has yet to be determined…

by Mick Zano • December 23, 2009

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by Sarah Angelfire • December 21, 2009

Are the members of the band Rush aliens? A week or two ago, a guy I work with gave me a copy of the Rush compilation CDs. As I was unlocking my car, my head started to thrash involuntarily, to and fro, as “Red Barchetta” burst from the speakers as he started his truck. I had always loved Rush and had sung ” Closer to the Heart ” with my beloved LHU Havoc “Free Beer & Peanuts” band. And though the only Rush album I had ever owned was ” Moving Pictures “, I knew every word to every song on that album as if it were downloaded directly into my brain via some alien transmission.

So, on my way home from work, I’m jamming out to my new CD with “Tom Sawyer ” and “Red Barchetta” —and then “Limelight” comes on. And, as I’m singing along, I suddenly realized how truly alien the lyrics are—like Geddy Lee is singing to his outer space brethren…

“Limelight” (Lime – green – like aliens)

Living on a lighted stage (on earth in sunlight)

Approaches the unreal (cuz we’re aliens)

For those who think and feel (humans)

In touch with some reality (earth)

Beyond the gilded cage (odd, scary faraway planet)

Cast in this unlikely role (human)

Ill-equipped to act (cuz we’re aliens)

With insufficient tact (cuz we’re aliens)

One must put up barriers (energy shields?)

To keep oneself intact (cuz we’re aliens)

[Chorus:]

Living in the limelight

The universal dream

For those who wish to seem

Those who wish to be

Must put aside the alienation( Alien Nation has just been redone on the sci-fi channel. Coincidence? I don’t think so)

Get on with the fascination (Spock used to say “fascinating” all the time)

The real relation (between humans and aliens)

The underlying theme (that we’re aliens)

Living in a fish eye lens (interpretive note: I thought aliens were more lizard-like)

Caught in the camera eye

I have no heart to lie (definitely alien)

I can’t pretend a stranger (human)

Is a long-awaited friend (alien)

All the world’s indeed a stage

And we are merely players ( Shakespeare was definitely an alien)

Performers and portrayers (acting human)

Each another’s audience

Outside the gilded cage (cuz we’re aliens)

What if Geddy Lee was an alien? I mean, between his nose and his chin, he doesn’t even have to use his hands to use the microphone. It just fits up in there…like it was designed for that function—like he was genetically engineered to be a rock and roll singer! The band’s drummer, Neil Pert is the dead give away; he drums just a little too fast to be human and why didn’t he die like all the rest of those rock-n-roll drummers? And Alex Lifeson —don’t get me started!

Seriously, the band Rush has already scoped out the planet and phoned home. So be prepared for a highly rhythmic, intricately melodic, and somewhat androgynous invasion. It’s just a matter of time.

Today’s Tom Sawyer

He gets high on you

And the space he invades

He gets by on you…

by Mick Zano • December 20, 2009

by Mick Zano • December 19, 2009

Iran Insists their 'Death to America Jihad-9' Nuclear Warheads are for Peaceful Purposes Only

Tehran, Iran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

“Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter,” explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, “I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend. Next they’ll be saying our weaponized microbial ‘Death to the Great Satan Martyr’ project is for some nefarious purpose.”

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

“Frankly, I’m sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics,” said Ahmadinejad. “I meant critics, really.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 18, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings. I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place.

Karla

Soho, NY

Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla. In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew! Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room. Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • December 17, 2009

Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.

What in God’s name is this thing called Facebook? I find myself in this virtual wasteland a couple of times a week now, but only out of some inexplicable compulsion akin to rubbernecking at an accident scene. Maybe I don’t want to be in a chat group with my dealer, my bookie, my ex-girlfriends, and my children. Call me crazy! (They often do…)

Recently, the top of my Yahoo email page has been afflicted with a series of chat windows that have been popping up like social viruses. They’re also appearing on the side of my Yahoo email page, and, of course, the other side of my Yahoo email page. The only one I actually want to talk to is the really hot one on the right, who apparently lives right next door and is waiting to talk to me (I remain suspicious). In addition, I can also get ongoing updates from any number of people who I don’t care to chat with. No doubt they’re writing to share their FarmVille scores or send me a virtual cow. It is so heart warming to have so many ways to ignore all of you people!

I also get the same three dweebs that I don’t want as friends popping up all the time.

Facebook keeps going, “You have 72 mutual friends with such-and-such. Why the fuck aren’t you friends yet?!”

Of course, Facebook doesn’t drop the F-bomb, but it’s implied.

Hmmm, maybe because he owes me money and she’s a bitch! So why do I have to look at their faces every time I log onto this damn thing? Isn’t there a “Block Bitches and Pricks” button thingie? AHHHHhhhahhahhhhhahh!

Besides, I tried to become friends with Sarah Palin (really), and she denied me! Me! Mick Zano II. No one denies me! I’m bewildered at how 370,000 people are joining this thing every day. That’s way more than the Daily Discord! Leave it to the world to embrace suckage. Crap is king. Well, the Ghetto Shaman’s articles aren’t half bad.

Truth be told, I’m really not that angry – but Winslow says I need more “passion” in my work. He always liked The Crank best. OK, maybe not.

But, there certainly is some truth to my dismay with this strange forum on these internets, which I am told is a series of tubes. My college friends – including many of the Discordians – had this great chat forum where the witty nonsense flowed like cheap beer at a kegger. Now, it’s like going into an empty house. No one is there. Everyone lives in this silly place where endless deranged and mindless people comment on unimaginably huge swaths of mundane nonsense (UHSMN).

Here’s the kicker: when one of my friends actually says something profound, witty, or meaningful, no one comments. But if someone happens to post some inane status update like “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil,” a wave of interested parties will emerge from this “series of tubes.” On a good day, “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” will draw anywhere from 3 to 6 people chiming in that they Like This Comment. Only one person commented on our latest masterful Photoshop wizardry, that Gandalf Balrog Obamacare thingie. (Hat tip: Sean.) The one person who did comment was asked to do so, by me, for the low, low price of one beer.

I am going to put my theory to the test. This article will post long after my happy little experiment, so I am going to post “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” on Facebook and see who comments. I will resume this article in three days. Here goes; may fortune favor the Facebook…

[fear and loathing in some coffee shop]

I’m back early (premature e-chatulation). I just wanted to let you all know that on Sunday at 12:48PM, I posted, “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil.” That was truly distasteful; much like Dave Atsals’ work. I feel so dirty…

I would rather be actually putting lard on a cat’s boil than posting on Facebook, but my endless truth-seeking is a key characteristic of my fictitious persona. I will check back in three days and relay the results.

[fear and loathing in some coffee shop: revisited]

Before I left the coffee shop, I just had to check. Within one hour, I had a comment – from Winslow’s wife! No shit. So far one person Likes This.

[son of “fear and loathing in some coffee shop”]

Here are the results, in all of their glory: er, one comment. Now, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have posted this. I should have had one of my lamer friends post this—the ones who might actually post the fact that they are happily “putting lard on the cat’s boil” and feel compelled to share this tidbit of mundania with the masses. But, c’est la vie. No one believed I was actually doing this, and it’s almost funny – thus, it was rightfully ignored.

Now, let’s review: Sean Kelsey’s Photoshop masterpiece in the Daily Discord got one coerced vote that cost me a beer, while “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil” garnered 100% more unsolicited votes, and quicker to boot. But wait, there’s more! Whereas I only have a few friends (sad, but true), the Daily Discord has gazillions of Facebook fans. OK, half a gazillion if you carry the one. So to beat you over the head with this: I trounced the Discord’s finest Photoshop joke in recent weeks—by 100%—with “I’m putting lard on the cat’s boil.”

Facebook is the work of the devil!

I think John Bender had Facebook in mind when he said, “It’s demented and sad, but social.”

Don’t even get me started on Twitter…

My First Impression of Joining Facebook

You all look, er…great!

by Mick Zano • December 16, 2009

See enclosed decoder ring to decipher God’s message to Earth

by Mick Zano • December 15, 2009

HIV Infections Spread During World AIDS Day Debacle

Chicago, Ill—”Mistakes were made,” said Tab Majors, chief organizer of World Aids Day. “We certainly weren’t encouraging people to go out and contract AIDS on World AIDS day.”

Many believe the group’s slogans, such as ‘Join the Growing AIDS Coalition’, were too ambiguous, and critics insist a comma between ‘sex’ and ‘toy’ could have avoided a lot of embarrassment during their Safe Sex Toy Drive.

Chaos ensued during their event designed to promote needle exchange programs.

“We certainly didn’t want people banging hub right there in the middle of the parking lot and then passing the used needles around,” said Majors. “Who knew our fifteen-foot hypodermic needle float would be such a trigger?”

The chief organizer is also denying allegations his recent journal Study Suggests Promiscuity Decreases Masturbation has led to a marked increase in high-risk behaviors amongst scholarly teens. Perhaps the worst misstep came when Mr. Majors announced over a loudspeaker that it was Condom Free Day instead of Free Condom Day. The mistake was complicated by the timing—the gaffe occurred during the naked candlelight vigil directly after the Viagra snorting contest.

“We will certainly rethink our decision to invite hordes of heroin using Haitian Hookers next year,” said Majors, “Or at least not as many.”

by Alex Bone • December 14, 2009

In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger). And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).

I could not hope to replicate all the profound wisdom this educational program inspired, but I will do my best to give justice to their highlights:

1. Homosexuality isn’t natural.

Sure, a few hundred animal species are known to engage in homosexual behavior, but I have still never seen hot male-on-male koala action. After all, life can not be created without a male and female component (aside from all asexual creatures and that one Schwarzenegger movie). One can look at our Christian male God for instance. Yes, he created life without a female, and we all know he is obviously male. So a male can create life without a female, but he didn’t need another male, until he created his male companions. Sure he could have created female companions first, but God liked hanging out with dudes. Yeah, it was a big sausage fest up in heaven, that’s for sure, but he didn’t need their help to create more males and then a few more males. You follow?

Review time: God is male; he liked hanging out with other males; he only created males at first, and he didn’t need a woman to create more and more males.

2. Homosexuality destroys the family unit.

Families should have two parents; we all know this. And just because the parents love each other and their children, doesn’t make things right. Children need to be raised by parents of each gender, unless, of course, one parent has died, or the couple has become divorced, or the children have been taken away from abusive parents. So besides the above (which constitutes about two thirds of American families), we would not want to compromise our children with other types of loving parents.

3. Homosexuality is a cult that recruits our children.

We all know that no one would want to be a homosexual voluntarily, therefore our young must somehow be brainwashed by older homosexuals who wish to take advantage of their young fit bodies (code name: NAMBLA). Of course most children know they are different long before they are ever contacted by other homosexuals, but if we could just conceal the fact that homosexuality even exists, then these children might not know why they are different and would just remain uncertain, confused, alienated, and at higher risk of substance abuse and suicide for the rest of their lives. You know, the way God intended. Saying that our youth can only become homosexual through converting them by others also brings up the point that there must be some first homosexual somewhere, perhaps one of those male angels getting bored in Heaven so long ago.

4. Homosexuality sets a bad example.

This is undeniable, aside from the deniable parts. In this modern world of pollution, war, lack of resources, and overpopulation, we all know that the job of a good Christian is to have as many babies as possible so we can continue the wars that help us steal resources from the infidels. More homosexuals mean less children for our holy wars. Also, this would end up using less resources and that is just plain Un-American.

5. Homosexuality is decadent and wrong.

For many people this is the strongest argument. First off Lesbians spoil women. All women will soon be expecting to have an organism each time they have sex and that is a lot of extra work for most of Fox’s uninventive viewers. As far as gay men go, well that is just gross, am I right? And there are more of them than lesbians too. Some experts believe that 5% of all males are homosexual! Now, we all know that it is okay for 50% of the world’s population to have sex with men, but it is certainly not okay for 52.5% of the world’s population to be doing so.

It is our hope that we here at Fox have finally laid this matter to rest so we can move forward with our lives free of the fear associated with having our fellow alternative-lifestyles Americans (FALA) taking the Land of the Free to mean that they are free to do what they like with other consenting adults.

by Mick Zano • December 13, 2009

“People forget, Kiyosaki is nothing without my stunning failures!”

by Mick Zano • December 12, 2009

Beijing, China—A second look at Obama’s China visit reveals an obvious swipe at Fox News. President Obama claims the attack on Fox was designed to show how, “I can be cheap, petty, and vindictive too.”

The President added, “The fact they [Fox] are making such a big deal over our obvious servitude is appalling.”

Team Obama nixed Hillary Clinton’s idea to curtsy and then flip the bird toward the cameras. “We didn’t want the Chinese government to get the wrong idea,” said Obama. “I also felt Vice President Biden’s plan to have me drop to my knees and emulate oral sex with our Chinese Overlord was a bit over the top.”

Obama hoped this middle ground would be perceived both as the appropriate poke in the eye to Fox News without causing a third world war.

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 11, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women. It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA

Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War. Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.

by Rick Right Pernick • December 10, 2009

If you think this sounds like political satire, think again. If you think most Discord articles sound like political satire, think again. As reported on FoxNews.com, the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence ,founded by former White House press secretary James Brady—shot and permanently paralyzed during a 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan—is seeking to confiscate our guns. I am still not sure why, because they rarely hit anything. Women refer to this phenomenon as “shooting blanks.”

In a statement issued Thursday, the group’s president, Paul Helmke, said “America has seen an epidemic of horrific gun violence at churches, synagogues, workplaces, health clubs, high schools, universities, police stations, and now Army bases. This latest tragedy, at a heavily fortified army base, ought to convince more Americans to reject the argument that the solution to gun violence is to arm more people with more guns in more places. Enough is enough.”

I do believe this would cause one major problem with the effectiveness of our armed forces. Could you imagine the shock and awe of our enemies when U.S. forces charge across the battlefields with lawn darts, wiffle ball bats, and fuzzy handcuffs? You wouldn’t want to hurt the wrist of the enemy as you drag them into a courtroom, would you? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, right? I’ve been waiting for Jennifer Aniston to do unto me what I would like to do unto her. The stalking charges were eventually dropped, but I never did get my fuzzy handcuffs back.

Brady’s Campaign is lobbying to take guns out of the hands of, not school children, but all military personnel past and present, and future. Now If Ebenezer Scrooge had been packing some heat, those three ghosts would have been singing a different Christmas Carol. For the life of me I can’t figure Jim Brady out. It’s like he was shot in the head or something.

Republican Sen. Richard Burr of North Carolina seeks to protect veterans’ rights to gun ownership and is lashing out against the anti-gun lobby. He is accusing the group of exploiting the deadly rampage to oppose his bill and plans to challenge Helmke to a dual (must run in the family). He also plans to accentuate his point by going on a shooting spree (maybe for Christmas).

The anti-gun group is using the shooting rampage at Fort Hood as an example in its campaign against pending gun rights legislation.

“In light of what happened yesterday—a violent attack by an emotionally unstable (the first one ever?) soldier—it is even clearer that the proposal being pushed by Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina should be rejected,” said Helmke, in what has come to be known as the Helmke maneuver (which is strangely apropos, because it makes me want to choke).

Burr was quick to blast (pardon the pun) Helmke’s remark:

“In this time of personal and national tragedy when most people’s prayers and thoughts are rightfully with the families and friends affected by the tragedy at Fort Hood, one can only be amazed that Mr. Helmke would use such an event to try to advance his personal agenda. It is a shame that this process has gotten to a point where some feel that they can exploit the senseless murder of American soldiers in the quest to secure personal triumph,” Burr said, as he stepped behind a fellow American, cupped his hands and compressed forcefully, expelling a small grisly piece of meat, possibly pork.

Apparently Mr. Helmke’s personal triumph includes disarming Army personnel of guns (probably in a war zone). Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a peace loving Muslim (well, at least until recently), who killed 13 fellow soldiers and injured another 31, was an active duty officer soon to be deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan. Helmke apparently believes this horrific act of terrorism could have been averted if only the military had been disarmed of the gazillion some odd guns in the country before hand. But maybe not having a Peace-loving Muslim (PLM) in the Army may have been a better start; most just change their name and move to Canada.

“Now, if you will excuse me, I am just going to climb this tower near the square…Top of the world, mom!”