Ask The Ghetto Shaman

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 23, 2010

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your power animal? Just curious.

Devin P.

Richmond, VA

Dear Devin,

The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.

The Ghetto Shaman

by L. Wolfe • April 22, 2010

The Earth’s North Magnetic Pole has been guiding navigation for well over a thousand years. Some of the earliest known maps depicting the approximate location of the Earth’s northern pole placed it just off modern day Murmansk. Not to be confused with singer/actress Ethel Mermansk. The exact location of the pole was first discovered by James Clark Ross in 1831 at Cape Adelaide on the Boothia Peninsula in Northern Canada (while playing hockey naked).

Part of the Carta Marina of 1539 by Olaus Magnus, depicting the location of magnetic north vaguely conceived as "Insula Magnetu[m]" (Latin for "Island of Magnets") off modern day Murmansk. The man holding the rune staffs is the Norse hero Starkad. Source: Wikipedia.com.

Location of modern day Mermansk. Source: Wikipedia.com.

Magnetic North, as you probably know, has never been equivalent to the rotational North Pole. In 1539 magnetic north was located in Mermansk, which is in Northern Russia, and in 1831 it was located in Northern Canada. You may be asking, what the heck is going on here? Or just: “You idiots at The Daily Discord are geologically challenged!” Well, wait just a darn minute. It’s geography, not geology for starters…and since its discovery in 1831, there have been several expeditions to verify its location. The most recent continual measurements were conducted by the Canadian government, who may or may not have been playing hockey naked (hint: you should never combine ice skate blades with an unbridled Zamboni).

Those expeditions and measurements have found that the Earth’s North Magnetic Pole is moving, and fast. So fast, in fact, that in the 20^th Century alone it moved over 1,000 kilometers (~700 miles). That’s about as far as Kevin Smith can fly with Southwest Airline, before being booted off his connecting flight. Recent measurements confirm that our magnetic pole’s rate of movement is actually accelerating at an alarming rate. Does the Earth’s magnetism have anything to do with the engineers at Toyota? Such an absurd notion may be closer than you think…

In 1970, the rate of movement of the magnetic north pole was 9 km/yr (~5 miles/yr). Between 2001 and 2003, its average rate of movement was over 41 km/year (~25 miles/year)! No one seems to have any explanation for this anomaly….until now. No, I’m not talking about the Ghetto Shaman’s Mayan ancestors swooping in from the center of the galaxy. The skilled scientists here at The Daily Discord do have a viable explanation. It’s a historical fact that magnetic north, when initially discovered, was located in the Eastern Hemisphere within the Arctic Circle. Since that time, it has been slowly moving westward. Why? Simple: ferrous metal (not to be confused with hard rock playing weaselly rodents).

The highest concentrations of human society were located in the Eastern Hemisphere when magnetic north was first discovered. Subsequently, the Industrial Revolution in England and Europe from the 1600s through the 1900s resulted in large quantities of ferrous metal that ultimately skewed the location of magnetic North (this time, quite by coincidence, I am talking about hard rock playing weaselly rodents). Since magnetic North wasn’t exactly located until 1831, there was no hard data available to support that indication.

Source: Wikipedia.com

Fast forward into the early 1900s. Not too fast—I was drinking last night. In the 1900s development in the U.S. was growing at a rapid rate. By the mid 1900s, the large amount of ferrous metals, then concentrated in the U.S., had been “pulling” magnetic North into the Western Hemisphere.

In the past several decades, China has been growing out of control. The large and increasing concentration of ferrous metals in China are now rapidly “pulling” magnetic North further westward, beyond the influence of the U.S. and its corporate lobbyists.

What’s next, you ask? By the year 2030, all compasses on Earth will point to Beijing. You can bet on it. And my second prediction: all blogs will be pointing toward The Discord.

by Mick Zano • April 21, 2010

Reid’s Approval Rating 9%, Pelosi’s 11%

by Pierce Winslow • April 20, 2010

As journalists with more integrity than you can crush a puppy with, it is time, yet again, to right our wrongs, correct our errors, and apologize for the horrible consequences our shortcomings have had on various institutions, individuals, and society as a whole.

Our recent headline Christ and Fabio’s Spandex Battle should have read Crist and Rubio’s Spending Battle.

Our headline Thai Prostitutes Tango with Army, should have read Thai Protestors Tangle with Army. Don’t know what the hell happened with that one, heh, heh.

Our headline Why is Breast Cancer Rate Drooping?, should have read: Why is Breast Cancer Rate Dropping? We really feel like boobs about that one.

And, whereas our article Human Remains Discovered in Local Cemetery may have been accurate, in retrospect, it isn’t particularly news worthy. We would also like to extend a heartfelt apology to the Paulson family for the unnecessary, and quite unauthorized, exhuming of their Beloved Dorothy.

In defense of our editing staff…er, we don’t really have an editing staff. We do have Microsoft Word’s grammar check, which puts annoying red and green lines under things. We believe Red means stop and Green means go. It’s worked so far. We do encourage the people at Microsoft Office to consider Yellow, meaning that this may be usable in small circles, but proceed with caution.

by Mick Zano • April 19, 2010

There’s a current bias toward moderates these days. It’s an essentially meaningless word, like the dollar. The Crank feels people are really in the middle of most issues and that the nuts portrayed in the media are nothing more than good entertainment. I don’t think if you take Spiral Dynamics seriously, which I do, you can so easily dismiss the different perspectives at work here. Nine states want to secede, and I happen to be living in one of them. I want to secede too, but not for the same reasons they do. Someone needs to do something about reality television and open container laws! See?

You can’t ignore that lines are being drawn, in some cases, battle lines. Folks are becoming more entrenched and polarized than ever. And if I secede after they secede…that is, if I secede too early, does the state’s secession void mine, or have I doubly seceded myself into something wholly other? Or, am I still an American trapped behind enemy lines? A series of secessions, or—dare I say it—a succession of secession might I succeed in seceding at all? People are choosing sides and, sadly, none of them are mine. Let me explain why you are all mind-numbingly bat shit.

People often mistake the moderate movement as wishy-washy and lacking any true principles. It’s a tough sell. I don’t know what Ken Wilber has in mind for his Integral Politics, but if it’s going to attach itself to an existing political party—which it won’t, but if it did—the party would ultimately be some variation of “moderate.” A moderate centrist tends to be more inclusive of other’s views, which is of paramount importance to any integral movement. The Constitution would also be championed, but the whole thing—not just the half of it the party in power is interested in defending at the moment to optimize their bank accounts.

Admittedly an integral moderate would look very different from any center point between wing nuts. But even your run-of-the-mill moderates understand that if we hand the keys to Rush Limbaughor to Michael Moore, we are simply going to crash this car called America into different trees. Currently, moderates in America are a joke (see: any Discord article). There is no strong, all-inclusive message (see: any Discord article). A moderate doesn’t stand for much, and rarely even leaves the recliner. What then is the angry middle? The angry middle is getting larger, which may have more to do with never leaving the recliner. I recommend Nexium and getting outside more.

But who are the raging moderates? How do you even define moderate in the first place, because the term is so blasted relative? Example, is a moderate Muslim one that condones lashing people caught kissing in public but will draw the line before decapitating them? In certain regions of the world that is sadly a ‘yes.’

Someone on NPR recently defined two main factions of U.S. moderates: 1.) Hamiltonian moderates (small but energetic governance, big banks, strong military), and 2.) Communitarian moderates (needs of the community as the theoretical model—a reaction to aspects of liberal devaluation of community). What? That sounds like anyone short of Ron Paul to anyone short of Barak Obama. It says nothing to me, like…(see: any Discord article). Ok, Ok…I’ll stop.

Is there anyone out there even close to an integral candidate? Hardly. Again, a moderate integral movement would not simply constitute some centrist, middle of the road vaguery. It would signify a Third Way or integral merger that transcends and includes the valid points of all perspectives (except maybe the Crank’s. I’m not a miracle worker).

The best example of integral moderate policy would be Bill Clinton’s approach toward social welfare programs,Opportunity with Responsibility. Clinton’s approach was designed to help only the truly disabled and those who deserved the help. His program fell decidedly short of liberal enabling. He said, sure Uncle Sam will help, if you do this, this and this. In other words, no free lunch. If you’re willing to become a productive member of society, some help may be necessary and warranted, but multi-generational welfare families…er, it’s time to get a job. Clinton, following Wilber’s lead, put forth the best idea in recent social service history and he managed to piss everybody in the country off in doing so. That’s the problem. You are all wing nuts. Two percent of the population has valuable answers and the other 98% won’t listen. 98% of the country is living in all-or-none thinking land. They are way too close to either the Limbaugh’s or the Moore’s of the world to effect positive change. So any honest to goodness good idea in this country doesn’t stand a chance (see: any Discord article).

The Crank told me this verbally once: the Democrat gets up to the mic and says, “we want this, this, and this program paid for by the government,” and then the Republican stands up and says, “I’m not paying for your bleeping this, this, and this.” He has just very accurately described the legislative branch of our government for the last several decades…and never the twain shall meet. If more people understood integral thought, this middle way could be achieved. Even Jesus, kind hearted as he was, clearly avoided enabling. Liberal green peeps are masters of enabling. They will—being too generous to the point of recklessness—tank any economy with the best of intentions. Right now, Vermont is spending $150,000 for a tunnel so that salamanders can cross one particular country street. They’re not even endangered salamanders and it’s not even a particularly busy street. Salamanders may not even like tunnels for all I know, but that’s our liberal stimulus money at work. I actually agree that we need to protect frogs and bees, because their demise will hasten our own, but we also can’t lose sight of the fact that we are broke. Besides, several salamanders owe me money.

The Tea Partiers of the world are way too selfish. They will not do the minimum for the most at risk among us. We need to limit taxes, but we can’t eliminate them. They are also completely programmed what to fear by those with their own agendas…agendas very different from their own. I hope they figure this out some day. The true test for the Tea Party will come soon enough. If Republicans sweep the midterms and win in 2012 and their movement collapses, they were and are a fraud. I don’t want to categorize everyone in this movement. It is, after all, an amalgamation of different disgruntled factions, but until they become something other than completely clueless, you can count me out.

We need to pack the best from each perspective and leave the rest. Watching Sean Hannity, Michelle Bachman, and Sarah Palin discussing the soul of conservatism on Fox News this week made me throw up a little in my throat. I recommend Nexium and getting outside more. That was the all important topic these ‘great thinkers’ were wrestling with. They ignored Andrew Sullivan’s attempt and probably never read his book The Conservative Soul: How We Lost It, How to Get It Back. He wrote this book in 2006. You know, when those three were too busy cheering-on the policies that would destroy us.

Dear Tea Party,

Don’t pick the stupidest kid in the class to write your book report. There’s value in conservatism, it just doesn’t have anything to do with Michelle Bachman.

Sincerely,

Reality

If you want true independent thought, you actually have to think things through, er…independently. Each shift up the spectrum of consciousness has inherently more independent thought. Tribal and feudal has little or none (follow me or suffer the consequences), fundamentalism has very little independent thought (follow the tenets of the contradictory holy book or suffer the consequences), orange (entrepreneurialism) has considerably more (follow the rules of the market and we’ll all get rich). Green (liberalism designed to cherish all perspectives and seek harmony) has a lot more independent thought, but it’s also like herding god-damned cats. Because they’ve truly reached this brand new, post-centric thinking, you’re just never going to get these folks on the same page anytime soon. The obscenely popular and gifted Transcosmetic Party is, of course, the answer. I implore Ken Wilber to use the massive numbers of registered voters amassed by this cutting edge integral movement, fueled by the Discord Nation. We even have a new mission statement. We have given up on: To Rate Every Brew Pub in the Galaxy. Our new mission statement is: To Boldly Purchase Ken Wilber’s Integral Politics and Let Someone Smart Deal with this Societal Shit Storm (SSS).

Damn. I almost made it an entire article without a lousy acronym joke (LAJ). Damn, I did it again…

by Mick Zano • April 18, 2010

In an Effort to Elude Authorities the Pope Ducks Behind this Holy Prop

by Mick Zano • April 17, 2010

Black Box Reveals Polish President’s Desire to Restore the Polish Joke

Warsaw, PL—The Polish Government released the following transcript from last week’s doomed flight to Smolensk:

President Kaczynski: When is the last time you heard a really good Polish joke?

Pilot: It’s been years, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski: Exactly. So land the plane.

Pilot: We can’t. The fog…the control tower said—

President Kaczynski: We must restore the Polish joke to its original glory. Just think of it! We need to be known for more than just kielbasa.

Pilot: Actually, the origin of the kielbasa is unknown, but it is commonly credited to all of Eastern Europe.

President Kaczynski: Exactly my point. Now…are all of our top military and political leaders on board?

Pilot: Yes, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski: Good, then land the plane.

Pilot: Should I hit the control tower?

President Kaczynski: Naaah, that’s a little over the top.

Pilot: Not the way I fly (laughter)…so what’s the joke going to be?

President Kaczynski: I was thinking, how many Pollock leaders does it take to land a—

(inaudible)

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 16, 2010

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, “in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild”???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA

Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004. It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible. I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration.

P.S. I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Art Fenski • April 15, 2010

Leviticus, TX – In an effort to deal with budget woes plaguing one of the nation’s largest public school systems, the Texas Board of Education has decided to combine the Department of History and the Department of Phonics to form the new Texas public schools’ Department of Histrionics. The decision will be formally announced during the board’s annual retreat (this year held at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, NV) by Col. Barney Bob Crossburner, Chairman of the School Board.

Before rolling it out completely, the new combined curriculum will undergo a one year test at Merton T. Hangumm High School in Leviticus. The decision to test the new system at Hangumm was based on the school’s reputation as a “cultsurely, die verse, insty too shun.”

“It had not one damned ting tuh do with dem scant-ly-clad Hangumm High cheerleaders urging me to pick their school!” added Crossburner.

When asked to elaborate on the school’s diversity policies, he explained, “That foreign lookin’ kid who goes there, you know who I’m talkin’ about. Plus, lots of our janitors and lawn cutters are rumored to be less than pure and probly illegal…um, that’s off the record, of course.”

When a reporter at the press conference pointed out that the combination of history and phonics would actually produce history-onics, not histrionics, Col. Crossburner countered, “Most Texans pernounces it “his’ tree” so they decided to go with a funetical interpretation.”

This decision will affect virtually every student across the United States, because most high school textbooks are written to Texas standards due to the state’s ranking as the largest purchaser of them.

In response to the announcement, Shaniqua Marxenstein, Spokeswoman for California’s board of education announced, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!”

She then ran into the nearest bathroom, cut her forearms with a razor, and took all of her Prozac.

by Dave Atsals • April 14, 2010

For Lizzie Board’ems jihad punks

Each received a hundred dunks

Abusing every Muslim waif

Her torture fest to keep us safe.

by Mick Zano • April 13, 2010

U.S. Military to Weaponize Biden’s Mouth

Washington, DC – To win the Global War on Terror, which the Obama Administration refers to as the Mild Mideast Squabble, Secretary of Defense Gates is requesting a radical approach.

“If the mouth of the Vice President could be weaponized, it might stop being a hindrance and become a key weapon in our fight against global jihadists.”

When questioned about unleashing Joe Biden’s mouth on an entire region, and if the collateral damage could be contained, Gates backed off.

“Someday, hopefully soon, there will come a time when we’ll never have to hear Biden’s mouth at all—and, of course, we pray that we’ll never have to use his mouth in such an insidious capacity.”

Officially, President Obama is refusing to comment, aside from these comments, “Having heard Joe’s mouth up close, it’s an intriguing idea.”

Obama did assure the public that, “We would only use the Vice President’s mouth as a deterrent, on par with nuclear weapons or old Baywatch reruns.”

Obama perked up when Gates explained how, if Biden’s mouth became weaponized, he would need to be moved to an undisclosed location and eventually stored within the bowels of Yucca Mountain.

Biden responded by saying the plan for his mouth is “A big fucking deal.”

by Bald Tony • April 12, 2010

The Heart Attack Grill Charged with Assisted Suicide: No Charge Cash Only

With the spring breakers getting on my nerves, and the International Meeting of Procrastinators (IMP) postponed yet again, late March seemed as good a time as any to take a break from transporting strangers around in a Las Vegas taxi. So, I drove two of my friends to Phoenix for WrestleMania 26, or WrestleMania XXVI as it was known in Roman times. Even though I’m a much bigger fan of old school pro-wrestling than today’s version, WM is still a damn fun event. Besides, I’ve lived in Las Vegas almost 14 years and had yet to make it to Phoenix. It only seems fair I should spend some money there, since so many Phoenicians tip me on a daily basis.

I also thought it would be kind of fun seeing one of my favorite lady wrestlers, Beth Phoenix, actually wrestle in Phoenix. Technically WM was in Glendale, AZ, and I have a strong suspicion Phoenix is not Beth’s real last name. She’s actually a Buffalo native with the last name Schmurgeldorfer or some such.

As an added bonus, Phoenix is just a couple hours away from Zano’s place, and he has family in Phoenix, so I can see him without actually having him stay with me (always a plus). I still have some fear when Zano visits that he won’t ever leave. His “Couch Trip” in the mid-nineties still gives me and several other Discordians considerable angst. WM is a huge event and is planned well in advance. I am talking about booking the venue…did you think I meant something else? Know this…life is an illusion, but professional wrestling is real.

I gave Zano 13 months notice, yet he still never made it. I would like to point out I met fans from Australia, Egypt, and Japan over WM weekend, and Zano couldn’t make the 90 mile journey. I turn 50 in November 2016. I think if I tell Zano now, send monthly reminders for the next six and a half years and have the party at his place, there’s a better than 50% chance he will make it.

I have watched pro-wrestling for nearly 30 years now, and have heard tons of wrestlers announced as “hailing from parts unknown.” I never really gave it much thought, but now I believe ‘parts unknown’ pertains to somewhere south of the Hoover Dam and west of the Phoenix suburbs.

One of the joys of road trips is eating at new and unusual places. On the menu tonight was The Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, AZ. Written in big red letters on the front door are the words: THIS PLACE IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. On the sneeze guard above the bottomless Flatliner Fries is written: DEEP FRIED IN PURE LARD. No doubt, for your arterial-clogging enjoyment. One of the first things you will see when you pull into the parking lot is an ambulance parked near the front door. Upon arrival, you are pleasantly greeted by hot female waitresses wearing short tight nurses’ outfits. A hospital-like wristband that reads “I had a bypass at the Heart Attack Grill” is strapped to your wrist, and a hospital gown is lovingly tied on by your nurse/server. Refusal to participate will result in no service. Maybe this is part of their disclaimer? My friends and I sat at a table, which later proved a mistake. Famous paintings adorn the walls such as American Gothic, The Creation of Adam, etc, with cheeseburgers and fries strategically injected into the pieces.

The menu is pretty basic: burgers and fries, cooked in a decidedly unhealthy manner. The cooks do wear surgical garb though, which made me feel somewhat better. The only semi-healthy thing I saw there was when one of the line cooks messed up. As punishment, she was sent around to the dining room to do ten pushups as a penalty (counted off aloud and bilingually by the patrons). There are four burger sizes: single, double, triple, and quadruple bypass. The quadruple is two pounds. If you finish it, you are given a wheelchair ride to your car. They have a limited selection of drinks: bottled water (by law, not choice), Budweiser, Corona, margaritas, and 20 ounce bottled Coke. Ordering the water gets you dirty looks and is not advisable. Why they do not sell milkshakes or deserts is beyond me. There is no light or diet anything, and no tea or juice. Even though you cannot smoke in AZ restaurants, they do sell unfiltered cigarettes to go, or to enjoy on their side patio.

My friends and I all got the double bypass cheeseburger (1 lb), fries, and Cokes. We were cared for by the lovely Nurse, Elysha, who took our order on a hospital chart and put it in a computer with a red cross as a screen saver. The burgers come greasy with just meat and cheese. There is a topping bar where you can have all the fixings and condiments you want. Do I really have to tell you the food is good? How could it not be? It makes Fuddruckers look like a vegan delight.

Oh, and if you’re over 350 lbs, you eat for free. This offer is not just as a one-time gimmick, but all day every day. There is currently a lawsuit involving a rather large woman from Mesa who insists the The Heart Attack Grill is practicing some form of assisted suicide. Not sure about this, though, as Dr. Kevorkian only eats in nearby Tempe. Just know you will be weighed in front of the whole restaurant before you take your first bite. Visions of Homer Simpson’s attempt to become morbidly obese to work from home, danced through my head. Being single and kitchen illiterate, I can eat a lot of restaurant food, but this endeavor proved a challenge. Much like spending time with the Ghetto Shaman sober. With about three bites of my double bypass sitting there for awhile, Nurse Elysha checked on me.

“You are slowing down handsome, are you going to be able to finish?”

I informed her she was not the first woman to utter those words. I did finish though (the burger you pervs) and when the bill came I paid my portion all in singles. Elysha looked at me kind of funny, and I told her I get tipped a lot of singles in my line of work. I left it at that.

The Heart Attack Grill sells souvenir shirts up to 5XL, and they’re opening a second location soon in Orlando. Good luck Sarah Angelfire. But wouldn’t Las Vegas be a better fit? The only negative about the place is the men’s room, which I found to be woefully inadequate –only a single stall and a single urinal with a mural of women pointing down and laughing above it. It did little for my self esteem, much like hanging around the Ghetto Shaman sober.

On the way back from the men’s room I noticed mirrors behind the counter seats, strategically angled so you can admire the backside of other waitresses as you admire the front side of yours. The best time to dine is just before 3PM when there is a shift change, as you can see more nurses for the buck.

I am not a technologically friendly individual (TFI). I am one step away from Theodore Kaczynski, but that is an important step. I still tape my shows VHS style, listen to music on cassette (my 8 track finally gave out), and pay my bills through the mail. In fact, I sent this article to the Discord after typing it, and I do mean typing, it. Winslow’s plan for carrier pigeons seems a little high-tech for my taste. But I can tell you there’s more information on The Heart Attack Grill on the interweb, so check out Facespace and Mybook, and Videotube.

So let’s review what we have learned:

Do not invite Zano. This is actually blanket advice and should be applied to all situations.
Bring cash since debit and credit are not accepted (I forgot to mention that). There is a generic ATM next to the blood pressure machine.
Go during shift change and sit at counter for maximum viewing pleasure.
Bring plenty of film, or one of those fancy new magic cameras, since picture taking is encouraged.
While using the men’s room, repeat an affirmation such as “I am a well endowed male,” or some such as to avoid leaving the place with a complex.
Wear loose fitting clothing (for multiple reasons) and go hungry.

Hungry was the one thing we were not as we waddled our bloated bladders, clogged colons, and impacted intestines past the ambulance back to the car. I cannot in good conscience recommend eating here on a regular basis. Fortunately I do not have a good conscience, so go often, load up, and chow down!

by Dave Atsals • April 11, 2010

Euueewweeeuew

by Mick Zano • April 10, 2010

Philadelphia, PA – CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

“Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!” yelled Winslow. “I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine.”

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

“Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon.”

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, “Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!”

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

“Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all,” added Winslow. “The regular contributors are next,” warned Winslow. “It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 9, 2010

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her. I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be. Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ

Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders. My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk. Heck, they stack like cord wood. During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street). If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane.

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • April 8, 2010

Christopher Hitchens is a god among men. Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard. If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should. He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other. He recently called Alexander Haig a “Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power.” This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s “whole career has the stench of evil about it.” Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked. John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time. Kudos to him. The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust). Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken. God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: “I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat. Really…I was. I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such. No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard.”

I hate it when God takes Larry to task like that.

Live or dead, liberal or conservative, Christopher Hitchens is not afraid to kick people like Mother Teresa firmly in the balls. Hitchens is a hawkish capitalist, who, whether he likes it or not, shares many similar views with the neoconservatives of the world. Perhaps more importantly, he is the quintessential curmudgeon. Let’s be clear here, Hitchens shares more views with the Crank than the Crank himself, he just does it with such unforgiving panache that it gives me considerable wood at times. There, I said it… (Winslow, please edit that part out; I don’t want to give people the wrong idea.)

In an effort to help out Mr. Hitchens, I am going to address a few more political personalities for a good old fashioned Hitch-slapping:

Rahm Emanuel is a narcissistic thug with delusions of blandeur.

Jimmy Carter is a sniveling peanut-humping boob.

Michael Moore is…um, see Carter, but change humping to something decidedly less vigorous.

Well? Did it give you a little wood? It’s OK to talk about it. In fact, I am starting a group, I’m not gay, but Hitchens gives me wood, on Facebook. The fact remains, Hitchens should be a champion of the right. Admittedly, he’s not your cookie cutter conservative, but he does champion capitalism, defense, and many libertarian causes. So why is he so at odds with the Hannnity’s of the world? Well, religion comes to mind. The faith-based right would string him up, for sure. Besides, I don’t think he likes to associate with conservatives, because most aren’t horribly bright these days. He does have some socialist bones in his body, but I’m sure he can have them removed before he is crowned the RepbuliKing.

He should be what Rush Limbaugh is today. Now that would be entertainment. But he is far too cerebral for the bat-shit right, who tend to throw him off their show, or overboard, or under the bus, or to the Winslows of the world. They tend to do this relatively quickly, because he calls people out on their stupidity, regardless of their political affiliation. And, unless you shut off his microphone, he will eat you alive. To this day he makes the strongest case for the invasion of Iraq; in short, by not limiting himself to the echo-chamber of baseless talking points that is Fox News.

Today, Rush Limbaugh is the unofficial leader of the GOP. Really people? I want Andrew Sullivan, David Frum, and George Will to wrestle the microphone away from the bastard and then crown Hitchens the AM radio king. But why stop at Rush’s job? Hitchens actually comes up with a far savvier 10 Commandments than even You Know Who (Voldemort was unavailable for comment):

The Hitch Commandments

Do not condemn people on the basis of their ethnicity or color.
Do not ever use people as private property.
Despise those who use violence or the threat of it in sexual relations.
Hide your face and weep if you dare to harm a child.
Do not condemn people for their inborn nature—why would God create so many homosexuals only in order to torture and destroy them?
Be aware that you too are an animal and dependent on the web of nature, and think and act accordingly.
Do not imagine that you can escape judgment if you rob people with a false prospectus rather than with a knife.
Turn off that fucking cell phone—you have no idea how unimportant your call is to us.
Denounce all jihadists and crusaders for what they are: psychopathic criminals with ugly delusions.
Be willing to renounce any god or any religion if any holy commandments should contradict any of the above

So forget King, maybe Hitch should be God. He makes more sense than the Christian equivalent. Besides, I think he would rule benevolently over the people of Earth. After all, his first name is Christopher…Christ! He’s the second coming of himself?! Wow. It all makes sense now…except David Lynch films.

Sadly, I am going to see Wrestlemania in Phoenix next week with the Great Bald One, but my dream matchup would really be Rush Limbaugh vs. Christopher Hitchens. Give Rush some oxys and Hitch some scotch and let’s do this thing…

by Mick Zano • April 7, 2010

kids taught difference between good sacrament, bad sacrament

by Mick Zano • April 6, 2010

Putin Blames Russia’s Poor Olympic Performance on Global Warming

Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.

“Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics,” said Putin.

The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.

“Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect,” clarified Putin. “Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling,” added Putin.

While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.

“How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!” yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)

Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, “If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow.”

by Art Fenski • April 5, 2010

I didn’t realize at first that I would be cooking for naked people. The job ad simply referred to an upscale resort in the desert west of Tucson without any specifics regarding the type of establishment. I emailed a response to the ad and received a call later that day from the resort’s manager. After thirty-minutes of telephone conversation, mostly about my vast skills, the manager asked if I would like to come in for an interview.

“And, oh…I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but this is a clothing-optional resort,” he said.

This was an unexpected twist. Like the moment between slamming on the brakes and the collision impact itself—a slideshow of images played in my mind. Mainly, visions of naked supermodels salivating over my food. An explanation to my wife immediately came to mind:

“Really, honey, I’ll be too busy concentrating on my work to notice any naked supermodels,” and, “Naaww honey, accidents involving a dangling appendage and a meat cleaver are surprisingly rare,” and the like.

“Uh…I would be wearing clothes, right?” I asked.

Laughing, “Yes, the staff is always in uniform.”

“OK, then,” I said.

And so began my brief career as a cook for this wardrobe challenged community (WCC). I’d never seriously thought about working in such a place, but I had heard of these communities and formed some preconceptions of what life in a “nudy camp” would be like. Most of these assumptions had been formed during my adolescence, so of course the nudists were all amazingly proportioned nymphomaniacs. Sort of like living in a Robert Palmer Addicted to Love video gone wild.

My first visit to the resort immediately dispelled the notion of the Playboy Mansion transplanted in Tucson. I was glad I ditched the idea of donning a bathrobe and a pipe. And the Robert Palmer video disappeared into the realms of Weird Al’s version, Addicted to Spuds. If you yourself have such a misconception of the scenery at a clothing optional resort, replace that image with this one: take a stroll through your local Wal-Mart or State Fair midway. Scan the groups of people, deleting the ten most attractive. Close your eyes and mentally undress the remainder. Now you’re getting warm.

Several other assumptions also proved to be false. Sanitation and hygiene are topics that immediately spring to mind while thinking about a nudist resort. It seemed to me that the lack of clothing would present challenges to the sanitary environment one expects in a dining room. One of the useful functions of clothing is to keep the microscopic flora and fauna we all carry relatively confined to our own bodies. Usually if we are amongst a group of naked people, it is in an environment made up of easy to clean surfaces such as shower tiles or sauna benches. This was not the case in the common areas of this resort. The dining room and indoor gathering areas were furnished with plush, overstuffed, microbial friendly upholstered chairs (MFUC). The furniture was cleaned about as frequently as furniture in other venues, which is to say, rarely. Placing a towel or other covering on the furniture before sitting would draw disapproving looks from other nudists. Apparently, it violated the spirit of sharing.

I mentioned earlier that the resort was located in the Sonora Desert. Nudists are an invasive species in the desert. Rattlesnakes are not. These two species in fact seem to have a profound dislike for one another. I’m not sure why rattlesnakes are irritated by human nudists, the snakes being naked themselves, but they frequently showed up to hiss and rattle their displeasure. Several times a day the maintenance staff would get a frantic call to remove a rattlesnake from a casita or common area. Most people react with justifiable alarm to the presence of rattlesnakes—nudists react with mortal terror. Perhaps the thought of a bite to the exposed genitalia is more horrifying than a bite to the ankle.

I began working on a prank where I would mechanically imitate the sound of a rattlesnake during a busy dinner service but never figured out the logistics to my satisfaction. Probably better for all concerned. Another aspect of the subject of one’s exposed genitalia at the resort was the unwritten rule, such exposure was mandatory at all times even if other body parts were covered. I was surprised to learn that nudists “dress” for dinner. The garments, available for purchase at the gift shop, consisted of a bare minimum of fabric, such as a bowtie.

Although I eventually got used to working around naked people, I never got used to having discussions with them. I never mastered the art of not looking at someone’s privates without being uncomfortably conspicuous. I, therefore, became known to some as “The Weatherman” for my constant attention to atmospheric conditions. Avoiding looking was especially difficult during business meetings with the owners who were themselves nudists. Meet the nude boss, same as the old boss. I have a habit of looking at the other person’s hand before shaking it. This is difficult to do if you are trying desperately to look the person in the eye. A missed handshake is always a faux pas, but even more so when you consider what you might shake if you miss here. I became master of the shoulder height handshake.

It’s easy to forget while recollecting this experience that my primary function there was cooking. In this area, my preconceptions included spa cuisine, miniscule portions of sprouts and baby vegetables, and a total absence of fried foods, desserts or anything else that might compromise the integrity of the beautifully tanned, perfectly proportioned bodies milling around. Did I mention my preconceptions suck? The menu was actually not dissimilar to that of a Burger King or the bar and grill of your local bowling alley. I was assured that this was mine to modify as I pleased and that there was great interest in going to a more imaginative offering. This turned out not to be the case. So my tenor at Nudy Acres was brief, like my uniform. My resignation had nothing to do with the lack of naked supermodels wandering through the kitchen.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. Not stickin’ as bad as the clients to those microbial friendly upholstered chairs, thankfully.