OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time

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Mick Zano

Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

I will ask this again…and again I won’t get an answer.  Besides pro-Mr. Burnses, short-term economic gains, what exactly have the Republicans both stood for and accomplished in the last few decades?  As I have said, ad nauseum, there is validity to aspects of their wish list.  They just seem the least likely people to accomplish any of them—at least historically speaking.

Why are people like BP CEOs, Mr. Burns over in Springfield, and the Foxeteers all on the same side of most issues?  Coincidence, or propaganda?  The last four Republican presidents increased the deficit 3x times more than the last four dems?  I know, I know, facts suck.  Funny, each of those “fiscally conservative” dudes went with that cutting taxes thing as the only plan.  For the last 8 presidents, we had to minus Obama, of course (because he came into power post-capitalism amidst a freefall).

It’s quite delusional to think that cutting spending alone is the only way to get out of gazillions in deficits.  England is an experiment starting right now.  They are doing it by cutting spending 80% and by raising taxes 20%.  Of course these days, U.S. Republicans would say cutting spending 100% is the way to go, because when you have Jesus, who needs math?  I kid the fundamentalists.  

We need to raise taxes 40 and cut spending 60, or some such, which drives the yes/no bunch crazy, but they’re already crazy.  Dems are against cuts and Republicans are against raising taxes. When you ask a Tea Partier what they would cut, they don’t know, because what they really want is all their current services without the taxes, which is even more delusional than the raise-taxes Dems. Another case of dumb and dumber. 

Also, my last post was actually about the media, Crank.  I never said this Black Panther thing is a non-scandal.  In fact, I made a point to say, “I really don’t have a clue what’s going on for this Black Panther scandal.” Of course, neither do you—you just don’t know it. But, Fox is never having to read the content.  This was the point: if this Black Panther thing is a scandal, since the media and the rule of law have tanked, good luck proving it.  I also said, with their current track record, Fox is likely to be proven wrong.  It’s another math thing.  We can’t call for the unplugging of Fox News, because there’s that pesky first amendment.  And surely there is a desperate need for a viable conservative news source.  Hey, let’s just shift Fox News over to Comedy Central!  Then it will be in the right category, and Jon Stewart can go over to where Fox is now.  A recent poll finds him more credible anyway.

But isn’t there any room in the mainstream media world for an intelligent version of republicana?  After all, it would shut me up (just think about that…).  Are they pandering to their bat shit base?  Mostly, Fox does what it does because it’s mind numblingly lucrative.  What’s striking is that Fox News is actually making fun of their audience, but the audience is the only bunch not in on the joke.  

And, yes, call me another lib nut but lying us into war is worse than supporting or not supporting a community organization gone awry (ACORN), and, YES, the politicization and destruction of the Justice Dept under Bush trumps some asshole having a misdemeanor dropped back in 2008 (under mysterious circumstances).  That’s all we really know right now about the Black Panther scandal to date. The only thing that really gets going during a Crank rant is the facts.   

Nowhere in my posts have I called the Tea Party racists, Mr. Crank.  Some racists reside within that group, of course, because of Spiral Dynamics.  Rep. Boehner (OH) actually had a great quote about this recently and I give him rare kudos for it. On the Dem side, Al-Qaeda and other tribal consciousness types are attracted to the Democratic Party.  Short version, Keith Olbermann can call the Tea Party ‘racist’ and Fox News can call liberals ‘terrorists’ with a hint of truth in each.  When you split a country into two main camps, all the levels of consciousness are divvied up rather poorly, which is why Ken Wilber and yours truly have advocated for more parties to be represented (examples: fundamental, entrepreneurial/scientific, progressive, and transcosmetic parties, etc.) It’s a developmental psych thing.  But is Fox too quick to jump in on the racial push back stories?

Someone on Fox said, “The big winner this week was Bill O’Rielly, who admitted he was wrong.”

No really, someone said that.  I’ll give you one hint which fair and balanced news network said it…

“There have been three big conservative outrages that have choked the airwaves over the past couple of weeks. #1 was about a bunch of scary black men, the New Black Panther Party. #2 was about a bunch of scary Muslims who want to build a triumphal mosque on the sacred soil of Ground Zero. #3 was about a vindictive black woman who works for the government and screws the white people she deals with. The running theme here is not just a coincidence.”

—Kevin Drum (blogger and columnist)

Oh goodness, one of these trumped up scandals hasn’t been debunked yet!  Ahhhhhhh!  The beauty of the Foxeteers is this: by the time the story is debunked, the ADD generation have already shifted this shell game to something else anyway.  It’s like that Zone episode, or was it an Outer Limits, where those people just keep building the sets of reality ahead of the main character.  The other two recent scandals are pretty much bullshit, or certainly not interesting: the Mosque is three blocks away from Ground Zero (that’s pretty damn far in Manhattan) and has actually been there in one form or another for decades, and we all know how the Sherrod thing ended.  Two reverse racist scandals down, one to go.  But that third one is an outrage!  Until that one goes tits-up as well, of course.  

So, let me get this straight, Mr. Crank, if this one Black Panther doesn’t feel the full weight of the law, all is apparently lost for Americana?  I know a Discordian who got two misdemeanors dropped this week and the world hasn’t fallen off its axis. Proven Republican scandals that will directly contribute to our collective demise = no biggie.  Mights, coulds, and maybes on the Dems side = an outrage, I say, an outrage.

You gotta love Hannity’s America.  No, you really do.  They’ll be back in power soon and they’re watching.  It’s amazing how the fighting 40% will go off half-cocked at any moment on the flimsiest of stories, but will ignore much more factual and impactual scandals.  Impactual is a word—one that even Sarah Palin would not refudiate.  

We currently have the vast majority of scientists in the world in agreement about global warming, but where else could you find nearly half a modern civilization unaware of this fact?  Or, more accurately, ignoring it entirely in the hopes it will not impact cheap energy and the American dream.  Sorry, Sean, the American dream is dead anyway, but why are you so insistent on taking the Earth with it?   As long as there’s one scientist left who will back your bullshit, let’s just roll those biosphereic dice one more time.

Conservative blogger Dennis Sanders asked on 7/26/10, why are moderates ditching the conservatives?

“The impulse here in the States among those on the right who are dissatisfied with the state of things, is to simply walk away. Whether its Brink Lindsey now touting a “libertarian centrism” or Tim Lee flirting with the left, the usual result of frustrated folks on the right is not to change things, but to leave and look for greener pastures. Why is that? Why is there no impulse to change the right?”

Doesn’t that bozo read Zano?

Oh, and let’s not forget David Frum in The Week 7/21 (conservative and former Bush speechwriter)

“When people talk of the ‘closing of the conservative mind’ this is what they mean: not that conservatives are more narrow-minded than other people — everybody can be narrow minded — but that conservatives have a unique capacity to ignore unwelcome facts.”

This inability to have any contact with the complete picture, as it relates to Earth and its inhabitants, makes 40% of our country dangerously goofy.  I’m not saying we should have a psychological assessment of some sort outside of every polling station.  That would be a terribly unconstitutional thing to do, but I’ve created one just in case.  It’s scratch and sniff, has proven measurable outcomes, and monkeys can be deployed to help administer the test.  Come on, it will be fun and informative. We can give the monkeys batons, which will piss off the right on so many levels.  

Bottom line, when a former Bush speech writer and a crazy-lib-Discordian such as myself are on the same page, you might want to at least climb into the same book.

OK, just one more time, I promise:

“It’s one other legacy [the deficit] of the Bush-Cheney years: by both bankrupting the country and grinding the US military into the barren dust of Iraq and Afghanistan, those two fools did more to weaken America internationally than any administration in modern times.”

—Andrew Sullivan The Daily Dish 7/23/10

That just slipped, I couldn’t help it.  OK, OK.   Deep breath….wait.  I can do this.

“Bush and Cheney defiantly should have definitely been indicted (For actions at Guantanamo Bay).”

—Andrew Napolitano (Fox New contributors 7/12/10)

OK, I need help.  I’ll admit it.  They say I got to go to blog-hab, but I said, “no, no, no.” But, look, most of these quotes are from this week and all of them are from conservatives!  Granted, respectable ones.  As more of the truth comes out, anger will only increase toward the architects of our downfall.   The nail on the chalk board you are hearing Crank is A.) pulling that lever for Bush (twice) and B.) the high likelihood you’ll pull that lever again for someone equally as destructive next time. Of course, you feel Obama is the main culprit. You’ve been programmed to feel that way. He is ranked somewhere in the middle, presidency-wise, while Dr. Two-terms is about last.  This won’t change much; they both may slip a little, but luckily for Bush, he can’t slip far.

The sound on the chalkboard that I am hearing is not pre-conventional and conventional thinking—those are inevitable in 2010.  The problem is those levels done badly.  As, I have said before, we need to pack the best and leave the rest.  There’s very little salvageable over at Fox News.  Oh, and Shep, if you’re listening, get out of the building when no one is looking.  I’ll have a car waiting in the alley.

Furthermore, I have always said things like the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and the Justice Department, once bypassed, marginalized, or destroyed aren’t coming back.  This is where even Glenn Beck has a point.  These things died some time ago.  And you can try to revise history all you want, Foxeteers, but these things died on your watch…or, more accurately, when you were watching the swift boaters or some other shiny bouncing ball over on Fox News.

Deep breath…OK.  No more.  Never again…

Oh, Oh, wait! We just found out that Dick Cheney was totally responsible for…

This is CEO Pierce Winslow with a public service announcement: 

Mr. Zano’s Bush bashing continued for, uhh…I really don’t know how long, exactly, but I refused to increase the monthly bandwidth of this site to accommodate his ramblings.  The man has problems, and we should support him in this.  Though, I agree with the Crank that Mr. Zano should take a long break from politics, preferably indefinitely, I am refraining from out-and-out firing him, because each time I do he tends to submit even more material.  If anyone has any suggestions, please email us through our Contact Us Page.  And please don’t Ask the Ghetto Shaman.  He supports Zano, but only because he buys him beer.

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BP Photoshopper Vows to Make the Gulf Spill Look Better, One Pixel at a Time

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BP Photoshopper Vows to Make the Gulf Spill Look Better, One Pixel at a Time

Hi, I’m Bernie Fredrickson. I’ve lived along the Gulf Coast my whole life and I’ve been hired by BP recently to doctor photos from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. We at BP have vowed to make the Gulf waters a little bluer, the sea fowl a little whiter, and the oil gusher a little less gusherier. Gusherier is a word, we checked with Sarah Palin. See? We spared no expense and now it’s in our mission statement, bitches.

We’re committed to help the worst oil spill in U.S. history look better and better, one pixel at a time. Bottom line, we’re going to make things right, albeit only virtually. I feel that if I can help people stop all the worrying, I’ve done my job. You’d be surprised how many times PhotoShopping living eye balls onto a dead pelican can make all the difference. Besides, think of all the seafood you can fry up without ever having to add any oil? In a recession, I call that win win! Like my CEO always says, money saved is money earned. We PhotoShopping wizards at BP are working around the clock for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Houdini out a gazillion tar balls strewn across the beach pics of Pensacola.
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Dear Mick Zano: You’re fired

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You’re fired
The Crank

As a duely appointed representative of the Coalition of Daily Discord Contributors (CDDC), it is my unfort…er, slightly unhapp…er, giddily merry duty to inform you that your services are no longer required.  I have sent armed escorts to assist you from your seat by the window at the coffee shop where you get free wi-fi /coffee/sex/whatever. Your laptop’s on-line capabilities will be removed and news shows will be blocked by your cable company. You will not get a final check because, well, you don’t get one now.

We, as a species, can not move forward until you leave. You are like a cancer that acts retro-actively on all our descendants. You must realize by now that every time you go with the “Well, it was just as bad under Bush and you di-int say nothin then!” rant , that all we humans here is so much fingernails on a blackboard. Do you even remember our little mock interview? Granted, I was staring at Megyn Kelly’s thighs the whole time, but I still remember everything you said.

So let’s get this straight, you are basing you opinions on Acorn on Rachel Madwoman from MSNBC? You must be one of the six people left that watch MSNBC. Mikko, Acorn/S.E.I.U. are the ones that wrote the omnibus spending bill, as well as the first stimulus bill. They need to be watched. That was followed immediately by a “Bush was worse than the Philly Election thing?” We all think you have sunk to a new level, you’re lookin…ah-say-say, you’re lookin’ UP at the Titanic, boy! 

—Foghorn Leghorn

Let’s see, Bush dismantles the Justice Department. But, when a racist thug with a nightstick scares white voters, and after WINNING the case, an Obama appointee has it reduced to a slap on the wrist, that’s OK? A racist member of the same organization that calls the Tea Party racist? The same guy that is on video saying they have to “kill crackers, kill their babies? That guy? That’s OK because Bush was bad? A hale and hearty ‘fuck you’ to you, sir. Our whole system of government depends on free elections. This is not a small thing. It IS, to quote our illustrious Vice Idiot, a “Big Fucking Deal.”

It’s all over, my dear friend. Go home Mick, go home. On your kitchen table you will see a bottle of pills and some Belgian beer that I have graciously placed there. Take one pill every four hours with the beer until the visions stop, and that bad Olbermann guy in your head stops talking to you.  Oh, and if you experience an erection lasting for more than four hours, consult your physician immediately. You are forbidden, though, from any internet surfing of any kind. I will stop by to check up on you soon. Oh, and by the way, all internet services now have your IP address banned as a terrorist site, so don’t even try.

Ooh, oooh…better yet, try, please try.

Don’t let de’ doe hit you in da’ ass.

The Crank
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Miley Cyrus Encouraged to Visit Virtual Rehab to Prepare for Real Thing

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Miley Cyrus Encouraged to Visit Virtual Rehab to Prepare for Real Thing

Prison pen pal, Lindsay Lohan, has encouraged Miley Cyrus to visit www.theySayIGottaGoToRehabISaidNoNoNo.org, which is a website designed to help with those crazy drunk, girls gone wild types acclimate to life on skid row. 

“It’s one heck of a transition going from the top to the bottom,” said Lohan.  “These things need to be carefully planned.”

When asked to elaborate, Lindsay stated, “Look, you don’t want to go all Brittany shave-my-head Spears, do you?!  There’s a good way to let your life publically slip into the abyss and a bad way to let your life publically slip into the abyss.” 

Lohan went on to say, “There are classes on being a proper Hollywood child star wash-up.  Most of my demise was staged well in advance.  I couldn’t imagine being this stupid on my own.”

Lindsay Lohan believes you can never start planning for these things too young.  She believes Miley has probably already waited “way too long.”  Miss Lohan went on to describe a Hollywood insider story, not too dissimilar to an Advanced Directive for bimbos.  Apparently, there are even online classes to help pick out your drug of choice, your mental health diagnosis, and a slew of virtual rehabs. There’s even an entire class on ugly divorces.

“You don’t think Tiger Woods was really involved in that wild night car crash, do you?  He has people for that.”

Lohan believes she has Miley’s best interest in mind, “I just don’t want her making the same mistakes I did.  Well, I do, but I want them better choreographed.”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your “advice,” perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked ” Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old Hopi Chief paused, “The one that you feed…” I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.

A True Shaman

Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)

Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN?  Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude.  An old Hopi Chief once said to me, “There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch.  Go back into town for that shit.” 

A Truer Shaman

P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends. 

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Hung, Beaten, Impaled Iranian Nuclear Scientist’s Death Deemed Suicide

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L. Wolfe

The Iranian State news organization Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) concluded that Iranian nuclear scientist Shahram Amiri committed suicide last month in Tehran by impaling himself on a light pole while handcuffed.

According to IRNA, Amiri had recently escaped U.S. CIA agents after being kidnapped in 2009 while on a religious pilgrimage.  IRNA reported that Amiri has been subjected to repeated mental and physical torture at the hands of the CIA over the past year, and was apparently “extremely pleased” to be back home. 

“Yes, yes, it is very unfortunate thing that has happened to Amiri,” noted Javad Jahangirzadeh, a member of Iranian parliament’s National Security and Foreign Policy Commission (NSFPXJ).

Amiri apologized to the Great Satan, American media, as Iran does not have the lousy acronym joke thing down yet.

Jahangirzadeh went on to say, “Amiri must have suffered much from CIA mental torture, and see what has come of it?  He has killed himself.  It is all the CIA and U.S.’s fault, like global warming and alternate street parking.”

Alternate street parking is apparently an affront to Allah.  It is a deep belief in the more radical Muslim regions that most parking customs in the U.S. are the work of the devil.

“We keep getting tickets for this mysterious street sweeper, yet we never see this beast of a thousand scrubbers.”

According to those who discovered the body, Amiri had managed to climb to the top of a light pole in an open park in downtown Iran and impaled himself.

“Amazing to see how CIA agents drove him to this extreme act,” said Jahangirzadeh. “Amiri handcuffed his hands behind his back, beat himself over the head with a crowbar, then climbed all the way to the top of that light pole and eventually impaled himself.  There was no ladder, no way to get up there other than to climb while handcuffed. What determination!  We are calling him Hamidini in honor of your devil-worshipping magician Houdini: may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his rotting armpits.”

To date, the body of Amiri has not been removed from the light pole.

Jahangirzadeh was quoted as saying, “We will leave him there.  This way, the American CIA agents in this country can see what they have done to our Islamic brother and that will teach them.  Allah be with you, my brother.  May your 72 virgins keep that smile upon your face and that noose from your neck.  American bastards!  Oh, and beware of the beast of a thousand scrubbers.  And in the immortal words of your folk singer, Bob ‘Death to America’ Dylan, ‘watch the parking meters.’”
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A Big Thank You to N/A and Other Inane Website Statistics

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Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word “bestiality” (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?
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Funny Thing, but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for, er…Justice

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Mick Zano

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

And where exactly was your outrage under the steadfast leadership of Alberto (on good days I can spell my own name) Gonzales?   Oh, that’s right.  You are only outraged by mostly fictional events as choreographed by Fox News.  When things are actually happening you’re asleep at the switch.  Well, at least you’re consistent.  You see, I’m always trying to put things into perspective for the terminally wrong.   Sadly, perspective is something I’m convinced a certain forty-percent of our country will never have.  I’m only saying this because every place I go in AZ people repeat the nonsense espoused on Fox News as if it were the gospel.

I really don’t have a clue what’s going on for this Black Panther scandal.  That’s usually the case.  This scandal may be real or it may be Memorex (wow, I’m showing my age). Let’s say there really is something besides hot air to this voter intimidation story. The Crank has a very compelling argument for why this is a grand conspiracy (totally verbal, not in post form yet, and NO, that wasn’t a real interview with the Zanpire in that last post. Geesh.  Give me some credit). 

Fox News usually does have a compelling argument, until you research it.  Obviously something stupid was happening at a certain PA polling station in 2008 by a person I have concluded is, in fact, an asshole.  Is the Justice Dept ignoring something due to lack of interest?  Or is this some deep-seeded reverse racist tale of woe and deceit?  Well, Fox has been crying wolf for so long now, I don’t know what to think. Most of their outrage is tailored to their less than stellar audience and their facts are usually trumped-up or bald faced lies.  So how are any of us to know anything these days?  AKA, when some real presidency-ending  scandal emerges (PESE), who’s going to believe it? The “lame stream media” really isn’t covering the negative Obama stories with near as much vigor as Fox News, and Fox is 50% bullshit.  So, with a Dem in power, we are totally relying on morons for our news (which apparently only bothers me). 

We may actually be on the same side on this scandal, but I’m just not that interested in the developmentally disabled version.  Their reporting sucks and their conclusions are generally wrong.  This has been my clarion call all along.  It’s precisely why Republicans need to clean their own house first.  I started getting on Keith Olbermann day three of the Obama administration.  I would get on him more if reality started resonating with the other side.  But why try to fix the sink when the kitchen is on fire? Thus far attacking the Dems (dumb) will only net us Republican representatives (dumber).  You’re not exactly incentivizing me here.

For some historical context, the Justice Dept was bought and sold under Bush.  It was completely politicized and damaged beyond recognition to the point where even John Ashcroft thought they were nuts (Hint: he was about as stable at the Wyrd Sisters on Crystal Meth).   So is it possible that Obama bent this already defunct department to do his own bidding?  Sure, but please let someone with credibility cover the story.

How did we reach this terrible journalistic morass?  Here’s the recap kids: Walter Cronkite was a great journalist way back when.   And then Dan Rather and his ilk really started wearing their philosophy on their shirt sleeve, which inadvertently opened the doors for Fox News to come in and save us from reason. They tried to balance the “so called” liberal media with 24 news cycles of completely skewed nonsense.  I say, “so called,” because back then they actually covered the news (aka, it was hard to tell they were liberal). 

Fox sank the media to a level not ever seen before (not since 1930s Germany anyway).  In the last few years, MSNBC is sinking to Fox’s level. They feel justified in this descent as they are trying to be a counterweight to Fox’s rightwingedness (that’s a real word Microsoft word grammar check people).  MSNBC hasn’t reached Fox’s level, not by any stretch, but they do tend to ignore stories that don’t jive with their ideology.  End result, we have slipped into a media abyss.  Now Jon Stewart is the most trusted name in news.  Doesn’t that say something?   Everyone has chosen sides, so no one is fact checking things anymore and, as I have said a thousand times, if the only one “looking out for you” is Bill O’Reilly, jump off a bridge already.  Who’s the unbiased authority in the media nowadays?  Except Mick Zano, of course, truly a god among men.

You don’t have to look any further than the Daily Discord to see what’s happening.  Someone has to balance the Pernicks and the Cranks of the world, so I find myself covering the same stomping ground with the not-so-dynamic duo.  So I now fell victim to one of the world’s greatest blunders (what movie?). 

It was AWESOME to see Art Fenski’s recent post Breaking with the tea party and all things Lipton.   Here’s a guy who decided I will only reach a certain level of libertarianism and refused to take that last step toward the bonkers brigade on the right.  Know hope. 

Back to the, er…scandal.  Not sure what this scandal is exactly.  It may be something huge, and it may be more bullshit.  In the immortal words of that Tootsie Pop owl, “the world may never know.” (man, I’m showing my age again). But the last twenty Fox scandals didn’t amount to much.  Actually Bush scandals tend to get worse over time and the right’s scandals, as embellished on Fox News, tend to go all Acorn on us.  The investigations that actually matter don’t seem to occur anymore, on both sides, which should bother us all. 

I’m going to put reality into perspective one more time for the Gipper (someday this argument is going to resonate with someone):

  1. Bombing wrong country (OK)
  2. Overturning the Bill of Rights (whatever)
  3. Death squads, torture, and secret prisons (well, that’s for the bad guys)
  4. Black asshole at polling station back in 2008 (ahhhhhhhhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhh!   AHHHHHhhHHhhHhhHhhHHhHh!)

You may be asking, how did you turn another story into a Bush bashing extravaganza, Zano?  Well, it’s an innate talent.  But really, I can’t find the truth anymore and that’s actually been the real story of our time and I seem to be the only one covering it.   You can’t find the truth anywhere.  You can certainly find facts to justify your position, any position.  And the people most sure of the truth these days  are typically the most wrong.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so. 

The problem is, anything that jives with your own ideology, left or right, gets a free pass from the sniff test.  We’ve all lost anything resembling objectivity.  Most of what we see on TV is lies.  Except America’s Home Videos. Many of those clips are real.  Who would willingly get hit in the nuts that hard?  OK, some of those bits are contrived, but it’s a better truth-to-lies ratio than cable news. 

Look at the Acorn scandal: that organization is now closed and I never really cared either way, but remember that undercover videotape that took them down?  It seems all of it was complete and utter bullshit.  The video was refuted by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, point for point, in a well thought out manner.  Now, I am smart enough not to believe everything as seen on MSNBC and I’m also smart enough not to believe about anything on Fox News.  So how are we supposed to have a revolution with no facts? Most of you should be picking up your guns, but not many of you have figured out why, exactly.  That’s a tad problematic.  The Tea Party should consider this before their next Facebook meeting.  Of course, they won’t because they’ve already made up their mind.   That’s not a typo…”their mind” is one with a certain cable news network.  It’s like a retarded Borg or something. 

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Gibson Admits His Portrayal on South Park is “Eerily Accurate”

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Gibson Admits His Portrayal on South Park is "Eerily Accurate"

Malibu, CA—Actor and director Mel Gibson has finally admitted to the press that his depiction on the popular comedy show South Park is “dead on.”  Gibson went on to explain that he really is the “crazy, ranty, racist nut job as seen on TV.”  He admits he does wear Braveheart war paint around the house and he does, in fact, shit all over cartoon characters in an “eerily similar manner to those South Park episodes.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gun Shop, released this statement, “Gibson’s defecation depiction as seen on South Park may be something decidedly Freudian.” 

Meanwhile, the Rant Warrior went on to say, “You’d better not print that, Winslow, or I’ll burn your fucking house down!”

God responded by saying, “Too late, asshole.”

In God’s defense please see God Responds to Daily Discord’s “Draw Muhammad Day”.

Local animated character, Eric Cartman said several things unfit for print and then blamed his inappropriateness on a scorching case of childhood Tourette’s syndrome.

His friend Kyle Broflovski had this to say, “Oh my god, they killed Kenny!” He then added, “you bastards,” for good measure.

Kenny was unavailable for comment.  This may have been due to the fact his spine was protruding from his orange trench coat.  For the record, Mel Gibson denies killing Kenny and also denies being one of “those bastards.”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote “Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit.”

Jill Y.

Ely, NV

Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: “[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory.”  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

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Top 10 Reasons I Hate Top 10 Lists

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Mick Zano

This hateful post was inspired by Newsweek.  They had this article involving the top movies about high school.  Out of the 15 listings, which included Clueless, Heathers, and clueless women named Heather, there was no mention of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Nothing.  I can’t make this up.  Well, I could, but I didn’t this time. 

Of course, Grease and High School Musical made the cut.  Angered, I directed my web searches toward other top 10 listings.  I would also like to make it clear that I did not view hundreds of sites and pick on some.  I am covering each and every debacle as it happens.  It’s as close to Tweeting as I get on the first date.

Speaking of shitty top tens, I decided to check out Humor Links.  The Daily Discord recently switched categories from political satire to spoof news.  On our old list, we remained well under the Yeetle Box—a site diligently not updated for your enjoyment since the Reagan Administration.  At least they’re consistent.  What a joke, and not in a funny way usually associated with a humor site.  We are barely in the top 10 now!  Us?  The funny people?  Now we’ve moved over to the “spoof news” category with our friend’s over at The Daily Rash, a funny site.  But most of the other stuff sucks!  We often have much higher ratings than people who remain ahead of us on the list.  Yeah, that’s fair…  Oh, and we’re the only ones who never get a picture by our site.  Bastards!  Mr. Cohen will be in touch with the Humor Links people soon.  When you can’t send in the clowns, send in the lawyers. 

Then I decided to direct my top-ten fury toward other comedy sites.  I found a “top 100 stand-up comedians of all time” site that truly made me want to retch.

Rodney Dangerfield is already down by Larry the friggin’ Cable Guy?  Already?  Doesn’t Rodney get any respect?  Oh…rrrright.   And on The Simpsons he never got any regard either.  This was a sad sad day for comedy.  Like the inception of the Discord.  And who the hell is Dylan Moran?   Geesh.

Speaking of the Simpsons…that gives me an idea.  OK, I just searched top ten Simpsons characters, and this is what came up.  Again, I always go with the first site as delivered by the Google Gods (this time, one called Top Tens).

  1. Homer Simpson
  2. Bart Simpson
  3. Ralph Wiggum
  4. Groundskeeper Willie
  5. Lisa Simpson
  6. Mr. Burns
  7. Moe
  8. Chief Clancy Wiggum
  9. Sideshow Bob
  10. Marge Simpson

A year and a half ago, The Daily Discord had its own battle about the Simpsons characters.  Just to give you an idea how seriously we take such things, this was the result from the Discord peanut gallery.

  1. Homer Simpson
  2. Montgomery Burns
  3. Groundskeeper Willie
  4. Ned Flanders
  5. Chief Clancy Wiggum
  6. Apu
  7. Moe
  8. Grandpa Simpson
  9. Sideshow Bob
  10. Otto Man

If you stop to think about it, many of the main family members should not be in the top ten.  Bart comes close and may actually be #11, but as for that other “list,” HAH!  I’m surprised Maggie isn’t there (slurp, slurp).  The bottom line is this: if you put some thought into these things, they can be done right. If not, you have wrought much discord on our fair nation…almost Daily Discord, as it were.

One more search. What the hell, it’s fifty cent refills for coffee here and the barista looks like Jennifer Aniston.   The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) popped up first.  Well, something else popped up first, but I don’t like to talk about it. IMDB had the top 50 horror movies of all time.  Rosemary’s Baby is number 7?? And something called Ugetsu monogatari is ranked 8th?  That sounds like something I ate a sushi bar once and became deathly ill. After some thought, I believe Ugetsu was that the flying turtle that assailed Tokyo.

Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein came in at 9 and 14 respectively, while the original Dracula was 48th?  Really?  48th!  And Saw is 49th!  Alien beat Aliens and Evil Dead II beat Evil Dead I and Shaun of the Dead was right behind Dawn of the Dead at 19 and 20.  This is what happens when you let people vote.  I’m beginning to think Dick Cheney is right.  Speaking of which, where was Oliver Stone’s W.?  Now that was a scary movie.  And what about The Crying Game?  I didn’t sleep for weeks after that flick.  It was like a Twilight Zone ending from hell.  Old Serling had a Rod.  Yikes.

These online top ten lists are terrible and should be banned.  I will start by petitioning Mr. Winslow to nix all of our old top ten lists here at the Daily Discord.  Although, our Top 10 Worst Bar Names list was pretty funny.  I still want to own an English pub called The Scrotum and Mallet.  Sounds like a place that dwarf from Lord of the Rings would hang out.

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Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement

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Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast “The Decision,” Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled “The Indiscretion.”  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to “take his talents to some bitch.”  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, “I’m taking my talents to South Beach.”

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it “a tit for a tat.”  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

“It’s win-win,” said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

“This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal,” said Bloomberg.  “Only minus the proposal part.”
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Interview with the Zanpire

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The Crank

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

Crank: Hello Mikko

Mick: Huh?

Crank: I want to ask you some questions about your real feelings.

Mick: I don’t have ‘real feelings.’ I live vicariously though my pet hamster.

[awkward silence]

Crank: Well, I have suffered through the Discord almost daily since its inception.  I can honestly say that I have real misgivings about your ability to oversee such an important news destination.

Mick: I don’t oversee shit, blame Winslow.

Crank: You seem to excel at blaming.  First off, with your constant bloviating about how bad the right is, do you have concrete ideas that would change things for the better?

Mick: oh, yes………..

Crank: well?

Mick: Uh, wut? Oh, well Bush was very bad…evil, in fact.

Crank: Sure, but what do you think we as a country should do to improve our current situation?

Mick: First, we must all acknowledge the fact that Bush was bad, very bad, and let’s not forget Cheney.  He was bad too. If we all do this, together, perhaps in the form of a collective sonnet or epic poem, things will undoubtedly change for the better.

Crank: Look, the Tea Party people believe that we should as a nation spend less, tax less, and concentrate on our basic beliefs of smaller government, family values and thrift. What would you say would be better?

Mick: Tea Baggers are bad, stupid, racist and, did I mention, bad?

Crank: Do you think Obama is on the right track?

Mick: No, Obama is getting pretty bad too…

Crank: Who would you think would do a better job?

Mick: Someone that was…well…much better. We are on the track for total annihilation of America as we know it, which, more importantly may impact my personal ability to acquire specialty coffees and Belgian beers.

Crank: Do you believe we can be saved?

Mick: In a word, no.  In two words, no way.

Crank: That’s it?

Mick: Yes. I don’t know what is right; I am just an expert on what is wrong. It is my life’s burden to know when something is wrong—identify it, pointed out, and add witty dialogue for the amusement of others.

Crank: Well, what exactly IS wrong?

Mick:  Everything.  It’s all wrong, all of it.

Crank: Mikko, you always state in your columns that you feel the right has “wrapped themselves in the flag,” and that they are wrong to claim that they are patriotic.

Mick: Oh yes, they all think that they are the only ones that are patriotic.

Crank: Did you attend any Fourth of July festivities this year?

Mick: Fireworks were outlawed in my town. Too dry.  And, besides, you can blow off an appendage.  There’s only one appendage I want blown.  I do see fireworks then.  That’s arguably patriotic.

Crank: Do you own a flag?

Mick: Well, no, too difficult to assemble…and the folding—God, the folding.

Crank: Have you ever worn anything red white and blue?

Mick: No, I am more of a grey person.

Crank: Do you love your country?

Mick:  It’s more of a platonic thing. I get a place to live and, of course, it has helped me reach this stunning level of intellect. 

Crank: Thank you for this revealing interview. Can I switch back to Fox News now? Megyn Kelly is wearing a mini…OhOhhh, say can you see?

Crank
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