Ask The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • October 15, 2010

Dearest Ghetto Shaman,

My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony’s Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.

A regretful goodbye, your “little flower”.

Laurel Canyon

Dear Laurel,

Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive. Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby. You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads

by Mick Zano • October 14, 2010

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

The problem is that we seek out the least common denominator when choosing our news and information sources. We never want things explained to us by someone who studied a particular topic their whole life. Because “elitism” is now deemed suspect, we’d rather listen to some guy—who desperately needs to get back on his medications—rant about something he knows little about. (Er, I know what you’re thinking, but keep reading this post, anyway.)

I think this is at the heart of why I despise Fox News. Yes, it’s true that shit is really going wrong these days. But why would I take these shameless morons’ word for anything at this point? Even the Crank has valid points, but where does corporate interest end and reality begin? Fox has been discredited to the point of absurdity (or, in this case, Discordity). The interesting thing is that few of us have noticed. Example, just because I have some liberal views, it doesn’t mean I want Michael Moore championing them.

As bad as our commander and communist gets, the story of our time remains, “Wow, people believed some really stupid shit in 2010.” And then the history teacher is going to remind the class, “The funny thing is, kids, this all happened right before the legalization of marijuana. Now everyone take a hit from your bowl and turn to page 227.”

No matter how long the Tea Party movement steeps in this steaming cauldron of freedom, it’s still mostly bullshit. But I have always given Glenn Beck some credit for at least acknowledging the fact that government is officially broken (even when he was back on CNN). I have been able to decipher little else since, however. I can easily spot when the chalkboard dust gets to him—that point when logic quietly slips out of the studio, climbs into a limo, and high-tails it out of there. But sometimes, just sometimes, there are kernels of truth mixed in with his popcorn bucket of paranoid prognostication (PBPP).

Last week on Hannity, SNL comedian Jim Brewer said, “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

The only thing he left out was, “And Sean, you are a big part of the problem.”

Once again, a comedian shows more insight than our pundits, politicians, and journalists. The problem of our time is that information—truth itself—has been hijacked. This is why I was surprised to hear fellow Discordian Pokey “I-only-listen-to-AM-radio” McDooris say how clearly he is seeing things politically, nowadays. Ahhh, Pokey, this is a time of great ambiguity. Sorry you didn’t get the memo. (Hint: You need a mailbox first.)

Last week, Beck asked viewers to commit to his latest hair-brained scheme—the “40/40” challenge—which is designed to restore, faith, hope, and charity over the course of 40 days and 40 nights. I guess he chose this time frame because it only took God 40 days to completely wreck the place. Beck is betting he can top that shit.

One of the points of high comedy in last week’s episode eluded Mr. Beck completely. Someone sent him a Moses-style staff that he was fawning over for the entire episode.

He actually remarked, “I tell my staff all the time…blah, blah, blah.”

He meant his coworkers, but he said this while stroking his wooden staff (which Christine O’Donnell would not approve of).

So after the show, I dutifully went to GlennBeck.com to find out where I can stroke my own staff (hint: there are better sites for that). Once there, I decided that I was going to take this challenge of his in earnest. Of course, I should have read this crap before I committed myself, but hindsight is always 40/40.

From the Beck files:

Step 1: If you want to have a firm reliance on divine providence, the first question you have to ask yourself is, “Does God exist, and do I know him?” (The question mark and quotation marks are mine; Glenn was apparently out. I think I added an “is” in there somewhere too. I know, I know; we’re the last group that should be making fun of grammatical errors—but I’m willing to bet Fox’s editing staff is slightly better financed than our team. And when I say team, I mean me and a six-pack.)

Step 1: Done. Here is my answer:

Step 2: This involves understanding who I am to him (God). “The reason you have to answer this question is because it will empower you. It will also humble you at the same time. It’s a very interesting relationship when you recognize who you are. You are his literal son or daughter. He is your dad.”

Step 2: Done. Here is my answer:

Step 3: I could not tease out step #3 from the mountains of madness. I really tried, but the guy’s kind of bonkers—in other words, his civics class doesn’t quite make it to the final.

So, I’m asking all of you to take the Zano Challenge. Go to GlennBeck.com, click “Take the Challenge” and try to find the third step. It’s not there. I looked. I can’t find it. I guess I have to have faith that on a good day, Glenn Beck can count to 4. I think if I clicked on “Make the Pledge 40/40” I would get Step 3, but if I stay on this site any longer I could lose my lunch.

Back in the “Take the Challenge” section, well, there are these two paragraphs between Step 1 and Step 3. I’m not really recommending you read this. But if you happen to be mind-numblingly bored one day and you’re into the sheer masochistic fundamentalism (SMF) of it all, give it a whirl. (Note: SMF affects 1 in 5 Americans. The condition is treatable with meditation.)

Back to the elusive Step 3. Go for it, if you feel lucky. Well, do ya’? If not, skip the Beck part and resume with your regular program already in progressive:

“You know, somebody said to me the other day, I was with I was actually with a rabbi the other day, and I had dinner with him and we were talking about things and he said you know what, Glenn, you know what people forget sometimes? He said, and I think you’ve forgotten it in your case with your health. He said, I’ve heard you say several times that you know it will all be fine and whatever God’s will is it will teach you and lead you to a better place, and I said yes. And he said, what is the one thing that you like to hear from your kids and it makes you it’s just something that they say that you know that you’ve done a good job. And I said, I don’t I mean, besides the obvious ones, I don’t know. And he said, Daddy, come here; I need your help. Remember, God needs to hear that.

The very next day I’m talking to another person who is very spiritual in their life and we were talking about something entirely different. She said, you know, I just heard a talk yesterday. She said, I just have to tell you, Glenn. She said, she said it was this lady who was talking about herself. And she said, you know, I can’t do it, I can’t make it. You know, I’m just stupid, or whatever it was. And she said, the other woman who is a spiritual giant said, tell me about your daughter. And the woman started to glow. And she said, what would you say if your daughter said those things? And she said, oh, well, she wouldn’t say those things because she’s not that way. And she said, she’s just so smart and she’s just so great, and she would be wrong and I would tell her that. She said, at your desk do you have a picture of your daughter? And she said, no, but I keep a picture of my daughter on my dresser at home. And in sage advice the woman said back to her, just remember that God has a picture of you, his daughter, on his dresser. And he thinks the same way about you that you feel about your daughter. Who am I to him? It’s humbling and empowering at the same time. And it also helps you have firm reliance on divine on the protection of divine providence because dad loves his children, dad protects his children. Know that the kind of protection he offers is eternal in nature, and it’s the best kind.”

The third step is in there somewhere. If you find it, please contact me by hitting the Contact Us button and making contact. You must find it in these two paragraphs, hitting the “Make the Pledge 40/40” doesn’t count. If you can’t find it within 40 days, don’t bother—my obligation to Mr. Beck will be over by then. At that time, all of our coastal cities will have flooded, or I will be parked outside of Mr. Beck’s home with an AK-47. I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Step 3: Done. Here is my answer:

Since I had no guidance, I decided Step 3 was to pray to Cthulhu.

Step 4: And the last step on that first part of the 40-day and 40-night challenge is pray on your knees once a day. Done. Now simply rinse, lather, and repeat for 39 more days. But if you act now, we’ll throw in four more steps at no additional charge!

I kid Mr. Beck, but I have more respect for him than most of the Foxeteers (which still isn’t saying much.) But there is an honesty and a sincerity in Beck that is often lacking in his colleagues. There’s a genuine desire to help somewhere in that delusional head of his. It’s not all a shtick; he’s really that goofy. At least he’s trying to get people to do their own research. He thinks information is being tampered with, so he shares some views with yours truly. He even questions himself sometimes, and wonders if what he is doing is even helping. Wow, for a Foxeteer, that’s astounding. I am pleased to see a hint of authenticity under all of those blubbering extrapolations.

What Beck is also doing right is an attempt to clean up his own level of consciousness. He wants the best version of fundamentalism. Community, ethnocentricity, shared values, and nationalism are all very important to move the realms of developmental psychology forward. The problem remains that it often becomes too rigid and closed-off, and has the tendency to embrace an “us-versus-them” mentality.

Now, I don’t want too many of my faithful readers (both of you) losing any sleep over this 40/40 thing, but some of Beck’s other shows are worth at least a critique. We need someone to decipher what he is saying and translate the goofi-nese into English. He is accusing Obama of being the New World Order progressive anti-Christ (NWOPAC). This stuff needs to be addressed! Part of it, albeit a small part, seems to ring true. There are some flavor crystals of truthiness sprinkled into his Kool-Aid from hell.

So here’s my solution: I want my own Great American Panel to address some of Beck’s historic claims. I want Andrew Sullivan, Fareed Zakaria, Christopher Hitchens, and Ken Wilber to study the string of nonsensical statements espoused by Beck, and then tell me where he actually makes a point and where he errs. I know, I know; my panel is composed of smart people and independent thinkers, but that’s OK. Let’s just hear what they have to say before we tar and Foxer them. If necessary, we can always filter their findings through the “more-than-two-syllables” machine. The point is, there’s a point in there, somewhere. And unless I can get a hold of some of the Ghetto Shaman’s Amazonian roots, I can’t make heads or tails of this shit.

by Mick Zano • October 13, 2010

Bending the truth to meet delusion

by Mick Zano • October 12, 2010

Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits. This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences. Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a “bigot” and for claiming “Jews are hardly a repressed minority.” Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin’ 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

“This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message,” said Obama. “And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy.”

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, “Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew.”

Stewart responded, “Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?”

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones. As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding. Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

“It was terrible to see,” said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath. “I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor.”

by L. Wolfe • October 11, 2010

As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time. But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking? This post is a must-read if you are a parent. Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before? That was a rhetorical question.

Granted, when I was a kid, we had Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, among others. These anvil-dropping rejects certainly exposed us to our fair share of violence, but I think they were at least grounded in some moral purity. Most of the violence was driven by hunger, which makes sense as most of those early cartoonists weren’t completely over the Great Depression. They used to have to hold up signs that read: “will draw coyote dropping anvil on something for money” and the like. It’s amazing any of them made it. So they had an excuse. What’s today’s cartoonists excuse? Did they grow up with an Atari but no Nintendo? Whatever the reason, I don’t want these people anywhere near my children.

Here are just a few examples of the types of things we teach kids these days, either blatantly or subliminally. Mere coincidence? Take a look and decide for yourself.

From The Lady with the Alligator Purse book:

Why are we teaching kids that Miss Lucy had a baby? She also seems to have a bondage fetish.
From the Caillou Babysitter book:

I’ll bet he wants to show her his new pajamas. But why would toddler girls be wearing a teddy in the first place?
From the Caillou Daddy book:

What in Hell is this guy doing? I’m calling Child Protective Services right now. I am mandated reporter!
From the Sesame Street Farm toy barn:

Is it me, or does this look a little suspicious? I’m having Ned Beatty flashbacks and I don’t even own a canoe.
Also from the Sesame Street Farm toy barn:

There’s nothing sheepish about this scene. What, exactly, is this sheep sucking on? Whatever it is, Elmo really seems to enjoy it.
From the Pat the Bunny book:

I mean, come on, are you serious? This book is for 2 year olds! I wasn’t into show and tell until I was at least 5. And sure she was underage, duh!
From the Little Princesses; Dreams Come True book by Walt Disney:

I don’t think our kids should be introduced to bestiality until well into middle school. Oh, and Aladdin takes Jasmine for a very suggestive Magic Carpet Ride. I suppose his dream comes true as well. Oh, and is the location of the magic lamp a coincidence? Isn’t Jasmine supposed to rub it to make the Genie come out? Which reminds me, I Dream of Barbara Eden. Am I showing my age?
From the Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends show on Noggin and Nick Jr:

First off, it’s Miss Spider, and she has eight kids (another Octomom scenario?). Eight more fanged chelicerae the government will ultimately have to feed? My spidey sense tells me she should have eaten her young! And keep in mind, she’s a spider. Her significant other is a spider, and only three of the kids are spiders. The other five are all different, every one of them. Seems to me Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch gets a lot of visitors. And all of them were probably eaten by the damn SOB.

In conclusion…well, I don’t really have one, but Winslow insists. He’s like everybody’s dreaded English teacher, the bastard! OK, and they all lived happily ever after …therapy.

by Mick Zano • October 10, 2010

God Told Me to Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Ads

Remember who to pull your lever for this November!

PAID FOR BY PEOPLE WHO MASTURBATE TO CHRISTINE O’DONNELL ADS

by Mick Zano • October 9, 2010

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul. The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent “I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit” rally. The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did. It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

“It’s preposterous!” yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. “Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know.”

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

“It’s a reflecting pond!” shouted Winslow. “It’s what reflecting ponds do! I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way. We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software.”

“How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret,” said Discord contributor, Mick Zano. “Too many people would need to know. Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!”

by The Ghetto Shaman • October 8, 2010

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama’s a plant and we’re all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything’s getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone’s eating bugs! I don’t understand the world anymore!

Mark

Seattle, WA

Dear Mark,

Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don’t worry, he’ll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration

by Alex Bone • October 7, 2010

Collapsing Shack, AZ—So yeah, I’m sure this will come as a big surprise to everyone, but I’m an idiot. A big one, in fact, and not just because I’m a nearly seven-foot Viking type. I’m not going to get into the ‘why’ of it now, because I’m already hated enough but, um, I’m stuck taking a bucket-load of court-mandated classes (again), so I have to shell out a lot of cash for the thrill of being permitted to participate in this happiness (hint: never go drinking with Zano and/or a guy named Wog).

This awe inspiring article doesn’t cover those classes, mostly because they’ve just begun. What I am going to discuss is my assessment interview. Perhaps I should mention that I paid $75 for the privilege of having my wretched underbelly exposed to strangers. First off, I had to fill out a self evaluation that who knows how many people will get to see. Please rate your feelings from 1 to 5. So 5 means strongly agree, 4 means agree… blah blah, eat my shit, blah blah. Impatience 5, Judgmental 5, Self Hatred 5, etc.

After shelling out enough loot to get me drunk all week—with a few cheese steaks and chicken wings thrown in—and then filling out my ‘please describe what type of asshole you are’ survey, I got called back to speak to the Intake Worker. This started off great. I kid you not, she started the interview with, “Oh, you work for the Such & Such Clinic? I just applied for a job there, but some jerk named Mick Zano turned me down. Right then, I knew we were off to a rocking start. Leave it to Zano to kick a nearly seven-foot Viking type when he’s down. I’m going to break his legs… “So, it says here you hate yourself, um…a lot. How could you be helped with that?”

“Not by you… but if you’d like I could put a good word in with Zano and maybe help YOU get a better job.”

“Really? Wow, thanks. That would be very nice of you.”

Flash to the outside, where I see another Intake worker. This one is a former, OCD, proofreading Nazi, who was fired from the Such & Such Clinic for saying, and I quote, “Everyone with a penis, get your ass back into the damn classroom.” So after shoveling as much dirt as I can to Intake Specialist 1 about her deranged co-worker (well, she did point out my typos when I was teaching a class) we got back to business.

She started asking me more questions like “What do you do for fun?”

This, of course, prompted me to pull out a copy of my Chronicles of Jack Primus. You know any chance to make a pitch for my book, even when it’s not remotely appropriate…especially when it’s not remotely appropriate. Hey, maybe that should be my goal for these classes. Yes, I’m here to take these classes in an attempt to sell as many books as possible. I feel better now. Maybe, when they let me the hell out of here, I’m only going to break one of Zano’s legs.

I could hear the trees screaming vengeance as more reams of paper were wasted and I had to sign my name more often than Sarah Palin at a Moron Empowerment Conference (MEC). Looking around, I wondered just how long it took them to dumpster-dive enough chairs to be able to start this business?

“So, Mr. Bone, do you think you’re interested in stopping your drinking?”

“Well, I’m Swedish.”

A lowered gaze met mine.

“Drinking ale is a natural thing going back thousands of beers, I mean years.” And I shit you not, I went on to say. “Curtailing my drinking consumption would be an insult to by ancestors. I rarely rape and pillage anymore, so what’s left besides some ale? Besides, it cuts into my power lounging.”

OK, I didn’t say that last part, but I thought it.

“Well then,” she said, looking over, “Ah, so you’ll be drinking again?”

“Yeah, and I’ll swim when I’m in water and eat when I’m hungry too.”

I received another drained stare. “So do you really think you could put in a good word for me with Zano? This job really sucks.”

I smiled. Maybe instead of breaking his legs, I’ll buy him a beer.

by Mick Zano • October 6, 2010

This is How the Discord’s Pizza Arrived

by Mick Zano • October 5, 2010

Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before. The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

“The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!”

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, “Where is everyone? We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!”

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

“I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!”

This had the desired effect. Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones. This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event.

“We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “But many were with us in spirit—just not in person. We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either. It’s just impossible to know for sure.”

“This is a grass & roots movement like no other,” said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca or Ibogaine.

“This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days,” said the Shaman. “We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

by Mick Zano • October 4, 2010

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew. But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed. So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

42%!! Was it not Douglas Adams who told us 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? I, for one, don’t believe in Synchronicity, which is why I have now called for the burning of all Police albums. They will feel the wrath of this 42-year old Discord staffer’s Sting. Or, as the Ghetto Shaman tells us don’t blog so close to me, bitches! Sorry.

I had the distinction of talking to fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris the other night.

He said, and I quote, “I only listen to AM radio now and I have never seen things more clearly.”

Er, and he wonders why we haven’t featured his posts lately.

I have a sneaking suspicion this “clear vision” of his is paid for by some billionaire in Texas. We use to argue, circa five or six years ago, about the end of America. He had his version and I had mine. I talked about torture, secret prisons, the unprecedented growth of the executive branch, and the coming economic collapse. He talked about guns and his own freedom of speech. Thankfully, I shot the bastard while cursing him out (hint: still legal in my state).

Sorry, but I think the movement that should’ve been started in America five or six years ago was hijacked by morons. Look, just because my tent is rather small at .00000000001 of the population, doesn’t mean I don’t think there’s room in my Grinchy little heart for up to .0000000002 of the population. Now accepting applications.

And I don’t think the Tea Party is racist. Sure, racism represents about 10%, but so what? 10% of liberals think Nancy Pelosi is doing swell. The Crank is right to expose this misuse of the race card. Meanwhile, Pokey thinks the main Tea Party mantra involves immigration reform. I actually agree with Pokey and the Crank on aspects of immigration reform (hint: there’s more to it).

Here’s why I think 18% of America (the Tea Party) stands for the least insightful bunch. Does that mean they’re all dumb? Hell No! As I have said, many times, if they grow up, I will join them—or, I’ll even join the Christine O’Donnell version, otherwise known as wank it and they will cum.

The Tea Party has figured out, finally, that there is something very, very wrong with this Norman Rockwell painting we call America. So they are ahead of those factions still in the dark. But here’s where they lose most of their legitimacy, credibility, and just about anyone with blood flowing freely into their frontal lobes.

How to fix the Tea Party in 10 easy steps:

No more developmentally disabled keynote speakers. Any future party leaders must have his or her GED (minimum). OK, OK, in the interest of compromise, they must at least be able to spell GED.
Your ‘movement’ can’t vote for Bush twice (you know you did) and then claim twelve hours into the Obama administration that America’s broken (hint: it happened before then).
You can’t say ‘pox on both your houses’ and vote in the next dangerous dimwit with a Pledge to America that should make even Cheney wince.
You can’t say you’re for the economy and support all the Bush tax cuts. Especially when, each and every economist not paid for by Fox will tell you they are the single greatest deficit creators EVER.
On that note: you can’t vote for Republicans to restore fiscal conservatism when they grew the deficits over the last 40 years more than twice as much as the Dems (Sorry, but Obama doesn’t count. Capitalism ended in 2008).
You also can’t vote in the next Republican under the delusion of wanting a smaller government when no one in history EVER grew the U.S. Government more than George W. Bush. Sorry…facts again, terrible stuff.
You can’t have Fox News champion your movement, period, because they represent journalism’s emotional support class. Sorry…reality again.
Finally, your mantra can’t be this: bad economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes. Oh, and good economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes. That philosophy has worked wonders on helping me pay off my personal credit card debt.

I know, I said ten easy steps, not eight, but since most of you aren’t into the whole math-thing, that was an attempt at solidarity—which, as Colbert tells us, brings us to Tonight’s Word:

MORONS.

I’m kidding! I love you guys and the barely-literate bumpkins you vote-in on. Ultimately you must distance yourselves from Fox and distance yourselves from the Republicans, or you’re just a bunch of dupes for the biggest dopes.

Look, I don’t like the Dems either. I was the original ‘pox on both your houses’ guy, remember? But trust me on this one, the Tea Party will only hasten our demise. But, hey, I’ve been wrong before—probably that Crank being right part. Talk about going out on a limb.

by Pierce Winslow • October 3, 2010

Ghetto Shaman Makes "Surprise" Appearance on To Catch a Predator

by Mick Zano • October 2, 2010

West Yorkshire, ENG-To the delight of spoof news enthusiasts everywhere, the owner of the Segway Co. died in an accident involving a souped-up version of a Segway scooter. On 9/26 an English bobby spotted the 62-year old exec, James Heselden, heading for a makeshift ramp along the River Wharfe.

“I did the whole stop or I’ll say stop again number,” said Police Constable, Nigel Higgins. “but the man seemed intent on jumping the river.”

After the body was pulled from the water, the police found Heselden clad in a skin-tight, spandex body suit sporting the colors of the Union Jack.

“The modifications to the scooter were extensive,” said Higgins. “He added some fuzzy dice, flaming decals, and even an 8-track player.”

Sources indicate Heselden was distraught because of his company’s inability to live up to its mission statement “a scooter in every pot.” A number of locals have since reported strange occurrences in and around the area. A young couple witnessed a similarly clad gentleman making obscene gestures by the river’s edge. Another man claims a phantom scooter “lurking in the shadows” followed him home. And nearly a dozen others have reported hearing the haunting sound of a 50cc two stroke scooter engine puttering into the mists.

“Sometimes in their darkest hour people see what they most want to see,” said Higgins. “Other times it’s just the usual PRAs (Pub Related Anomalies).”

Dear fans,

I am sorry the Daily Discord was unable to use the Segway piece as a proper segue into something funnier. It would have done Mr. Heselden’s memory a great service. Unfortunately, my staff is becoming increasingly incompetent. No easy trick when one considers where they started.

Sincerely,

Pierce Xavier Winslow, CEO

by Mick Zano • October 1, 2010

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any speaking engagements coming up? You rock!

Gwenn

Oswego, NY

Dear Gwenn,

I do have a retreat this weekend in the woods by the 7-11. Develop compassion for your whole self in my Baby Oil Purification Lodge. Read selected excerpts from my books Inner Paths to Pussy and The Tao of Skullfucking by Bic-light. Spend your days taking life-altering spiritual hikes, while I hit the bars. Learn the art of psycho-spiritual sexting, or why not attend one of my Hide the Sacred Sausage workshops? But don’t take my word for it. Here’s an actual testimonial:

It’s amazing what he does and stuff.

—Iam Boink’n’dababeage4cashbitches

See? What are you waiting for? Don’t let the extreme cost or your own intuition stop you from something you’ll never forget!

The Ghetto (well, not without therapy) Shaman

by The Crank • September 30, 2010

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two. Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

If I wuz a minority—which being the world’s only beige gorilla does, in fact, make me—I would be crazy mad at the left. They have made the term “racist” virtually meaningless, much like any given Zano feature. Having attended a high school in the late sixties/early seventies, which was about 30% minorities, I have seen REAL racism. Disliking the President’s liberal-progressive agenda is NOT racism.

My first meeting with a black senior on my first day as a freshman went something like that scene in Blazing Saddles where the wagon-trainers come upon some Indians. The natives end up letting the black family go.

“Schvartzes? They’re darker than us!” said Mel Brooks as the world’s only Jewish Indian Chief. Meanwhile, I was approached for money in the hall.

The “lead minoritite” as it were, said to me (in the lingo of the period) that I didn’t look at all like the Irish/Polish/German students that made up the majority. I was somehow darker, not Hispanic, yet not black. After telling him I was one of only six Sicilian/Italian descended students in this whole facility, he said I was a bigger minority than he was. He slapped me five (after all, it was the sixties) and left.

Soon, however, racism would rear its ugly head…real racism. It came to the point when I was forced to choose sides, and I went Black (and never went back). They welcomed me readily, while the “whites” never fully accepted me. And as a fat Sicilian in a school full of tall athletic western European-types, I was happy to be the Deputy Spade, as it were (sorry, Mel Brooks again).

“You don’t like Obama ‘cause you’re a racist.”

No, I don’t like him because he is liberal progressive, running a country mainly just right of center…

“You don’t like the Healthcare bill ‘cause your racist.”

No, it’s because it’s a miserable fucking bill that tried to placate everyone, and ended up being good for no one.

After hearing this shit for a year and a half now, the terms racist/racism have become the “white noise” of the new world order, and that, my fellow Discordians, is a very bad thing indeed (for an example of other bad things, see any Zano feature).

I knew that when they had little left to argue about and when they had used up all the personal insults, the Dems would pull the old race card…

(Speaking of personal insults, Mikko is not permitting me to reply to his reply of my reply to which I can no longer reply, or something like that. Just like Lord Mel said in a different movie, I guess it’s good ta be da King.)

Now, as the resident ‘piss boy,’ it’s time empty this happy bucket of steaming love. It still surprises me how far the Dems went with the race card. The aforementioned ghost white scholastic dweebs that are the left’s spin doctors, as well as the “faux minorities” in our media, have managed to cancel out just about all of the good done in the name of race equality. Remember, MLK got shot for this shit. They are effectively delegitimizing the deaths of many others in the minority, some who have died for this cause. And they did this not for some noble purpose, they did it for egos, politics, and money (which is also the little known sequel to that Warren Zevon song).

Shame on all of you!

(Er…except Warren Zevon).

by Mick Zano • September 29, 2010

Rahm Emanuel May Leave the White House This Week!

Don’t worry. They nailed the coffin shut.

by Mick Zano • September 28, 2010

Pope Delivers Henry VIII’s Annulment: Queen Anne Boleyn Resurrected in Wembley Stadium Revival

London, ENG—Pope Benedict XVI’s state visit to the UK began with the delivery of King Henry VIII’s annulment from Catherine of Aragon in a ceremony on the Gatwick Airport tarmac. As a former Hitler Youth come in the back door, there was no Heathrow for him. Citing the loss of the Church of England, rise of Lutheranism, bloodshed, butchery, gay bishops and the entire reign of Mary Tudor, the Vatican determined that granting the annulment was a better idea than not. Steven Hawking navigated any space-time issues confronting the Vicar of Christ’s plan, meanwhile Dr. Who (all of them) were pissed they were never consulted on the matter (or the anti-matter). The price of tea futures spiked as the colonization and pillage of India could well be annulled as a necessary side effect.

Second up on the day’s itinerary, Anne Boleyn, convicted in legal proceedings that would embarrass even a Texan, was resurrected by the Pontiff. The event occurred between the beatification of John Henry Cardinal Newman and the Pope’s arrest and transfer to The Hague. The Pope is currently facing charges for crimes against humanity, including the serial rape of thousands of children, as well as one episode of urinating in public. The pope, using a decidedly pagan defense, is claiming “nature called.” As for the other charges, the Pope stated he is only continuing Bush’s No Child’s Behind Left policy. The joke resulted in a class action lawsuit from Christopher Hitchens, who claims the joke was originally his.

by L. Wolfe • September 27, 2010

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum). The museum’s curator, Lloyd “Bubba” Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only.

Once the proposal for such a museum hit the blogosphere by, yours screwly, museum donations came trickling in! At least three supporters donated to the cause. Donations included a King James Bible (stamped Best Western), a rare copy of A Ted Haggard X-mas (rated-X), and a semi-melted rubber chicken (it’s the thought that counts).

“We have a nice alley stoop, upwind of the dumpster,” said Hickenson, “on which we prop our soapbox and discuss our poster presentations (a poster presentation based on an actual Power Point presentation). We also have lunch-bag puppet shows for the kiddies! Our lunch specials run twice a day, generally coinciding with the floor sweepings at Ed’s Wok. Or, why not indulge in one of José’s kitchen scrap specials? (José’s real name is being withheld at Ed’s request for fear of pending immigration actions.) And don’t forget to bring your rubber gloves, folks, for our dumpster diving bonuses! Who needs Teppanyaki, when you can have much more affordable Teppanyucky?

Our attractions include:

Our Flattening Earth: A compelling, interactive display that clearly demonstrates the impossibility of a spherical world. Try your hand at balancing a green plastic army man on a) a flat model of the earth, b) the top of a basketball, and c) the bottom of a basketball. Kid friendly!
The Receding Horizon Paradox: Here, through the innovative use of smoke and mirrors, we demonstrate how the spherical earth theory is false. The horizon continually receding from view at exactly the same rate at which you approach is actually quite false. Understand how such a theory necessitates an intelligent horizon, and how the flat earth reality eliminates such a paradox.
Handstands and Headaches: Can You Live Upside-Down? You be the judge of this simple, yet powerful, demonstration of the impossibility of “living upside down” as would be required on a spherical earth. Try your hand at drinking a glass of milk while hanging upside down. See how long you can last inverted before you develop a pounding headache (or milk comes out your nose). Try simple tasks like tossing a ball between two people, or try your swing on our own, lawyer friendly, Wiffle ball course. You’ll see with your own eyes how ridiculous the spherical earth theory is after you experience this exhibit. What are those scientists smoking? Kid injury friendly!
The Three Dimensional Delusion: See how scientific facts necessitate that all visible objects in the solar system are flat, just like the earth. See how a flat moon is the only way to accurately explain the lunar cycles. Understand how the logical incongruity of a spherical earth in a flat solar system simply cannot be true.
Ride a Dinosaur Exhibit: This attraction is only offered when the guy over at The Creation Museum is taking a dump (usually around 2:00 PM). Void when not voiding.
Earth is Flat Slogan Contest: We’re looking for a new slogan for the Earth is Flat Museum! This new slogan will replace the current “Flat is PHAT!” slogan. It seems that our visitors don’t know what PHAT means. Submit your entry to The DailyDiscord.com today. Just don’t send it to the Ghetto Shaman by accident or risk eternal damnation.