Star Spangled Bummer? Flag Finally Speaks Out About The President’s Unwanted Touching

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Tweet Tower—The American flag is recounting its harrowing tale of assault and abuse today at the hands of the president of the United States. In an exclusive Discord interview, the flag describes a series of disturbing situations while in the presence of Donald Trump. “These events made me want to self-drone myself to the dry-cleaner,” said the flag. “Amazon Prime would help with the logistics, but I had mixed feeling because I hate Jeff Bezos. That bastard is going to replace all flags with robot flags!” According to allegations the president repeatedly hugged and even “dry humped” the American flag without consent, an act many liberal flagtivists are calling unseamly. See what I did there?                              

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While I’m Playing Chess, Pokey, You’re Playing Rock, Paper, Other Rock

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My friend and blogvesary is at it again, blasting out of my comment section like a sirocco, blazing across the land, into your home, slamming into your website like a supercharged nano-particle of unobtainium! Fine, that’s George Knapp, but my friend probably inspired his opening. Today on Discord Crossfire, Pokey is accusing me of not answering any of his fictional questions. I don’t feel I need to justify my actions, articles, voting record, predictions, or criminal background *cough* …but maybe, just maybe, he should. My friend is still touting the merits of Spygate over Russiagate, aka Obama/Lynch = Guilty and Trump/Cohorts = Innocent. Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and amidst this 2019 political landscape, I think anything espoused by a rightwinger now requires a Atlantis-is-ruled-by-sasquatches level of proof. The onus is on you and your ilk to prove your non-stop, nonsensical non-sequiturs. [Retraction: you’re probably right, keep digging and maybe you’ll emerge on the other side of these scandals]. Hollow Birther theory? The Repubtilian agenda?

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First Ever Black Hole Photograph Raises Some Hair Raising Questions

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The Universe—The recent picture of a black hole, the first of its kind, has many scratching their heads today. Is there a connection between time/space and the Trump/race continuum? Is this truly an image of a black hole, or a White Nationalist Dwarf? Whereas some theorize this is proof the universe is deplorable, others suggest it’s evidence the universe is hollow & graphic in nature. Science has been grappling with these two related cosmic questions for decades: what is the true nature of both the universe and the president’s hair-dome? At least one scientist believes the two areas of inquiry can be connected in one Grand Polarized Theory, or what he is privately calling the Bigly Bang Theory.

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We Have Chosen The Form Of Our Destructor

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Tweet Tower—It’s hard to grasp the full descent of American politics in 2019, a time when watching certain news sources makes you less informed and listening to a SOTU address will make you a little less aware of our actual State of our Union. As for Russiagate, I knew annulment was a longshot and the last best hope for a course correction has apparently fizzled. Now this country and this planet will bear the brunt of the rest of this populist shit show. Just as it’s hard to tell a Republican president with Dementia from the usual variety. It’s similarly difficult to distinguish legal business dealings from blatantly criminal ones. These lines are becoming forever blurred as we shift deeper into this late stage democracy. Our political scheissgeist reminds me of when Gozer the Gozerian demanded that the Ghostbusters, “Choose the form of the Destructor!” And then a moment later said, “The choice is made.” Venkman is like, “Whoa, wait a minute! Liberals, did you choose anything?” No. “Independents, did you choose anything?” No. “Republicans?” …It just popped into our head. That guy from The Apprentice, a selfmade businessman, a real Atlas Shrugged guy, a man who couldn’t possibly mean capitalism any harm.

“The Grifter has come.”

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Pence Vows U.S Will Return To Hollywood Set Of Original Moon Landing Shoot

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Tweet Tower—In what many are calling a major gaffe, Vice President Mike Pence has all but confirmed that the original moon landing in 1969 never actually happened. Pence announced that NASA would return to the set of the original moon landing, which he said, “Occurred in a back lot of Paramount Studios, just east of the commissary.” The Vice President went on to say, “This mission is exciting because it’s in line with our own budget projections for research & development, aka we don’t have one so we can just use petty cash.”

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Post Mega-Merger Disney Announces New Fox Themed Rollercoaster: Bullshit Mountain

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Anaheim, CA—The Walt Disney Company has merged with 20th Century Fox, finally laying to rest the debate as to whether or not Fox News is a Mickey Mouse organization. Yes, Rupert Murdoch, a previous hold out on the deal, is agreeable to join the fun provided he can keep making the ghost of Joseph Goebbles proud of his ‘news’ channel. Disney now owns most cartoons, superheroes, super villains, cartoon superheroes, Jedis, and super-villain Jedis—not to mention, Troy McClure, who you may know from such films as *cough* all of them. If you listen really closely you can hear Universal Studios taking a dump, which hopefully they can work into their own amusement park ride someday soon. Does this represent a giant Disney upgrade? Does a bear shit in the woods? Apparently not if it’s animated, CGI, blue screen, green screen or Chroma key, as all of those FX techniques now come with copyright infringements and steep fines.

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Calling A Muellerigan? Barr To Release Special Counsel Report In April But Won’t Specify Year

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In a legal loophole wrapped in a statutorial technicality, Attorney General William Barr is only compelled to name the month he intends to release the full Mueller Report, not the year. The year will remain redacted until *cough*, the year. This wouldn’t surprise me as he’s probably already in some reputational hot water after his recent summary, non-summary snap judgment, aka, an obvious effort to exonerate a sitting ass-clown. When I first heard about William It’s-not-illegal-if-a-president-does-it Barr, aka the Iran-Contra coverup guy, I immediately returned to the gangster analogy. He’s the ‘cleaner’, the guy the mob calls in to bleach the crime scene and burn all the evidence. I called Mueller honorable, but does this corporate lawyer’s lawyer deserve the same treatment? If key parts of this document remain hidden from view for “reputational reasons”, not ongoing investigational ones, we still have a problem. So a guy who believes presidents can’t commit crimes, who auditioned for Trump by defending his decision to fire Comey, has exonerated Trump of any and all crimes? Talk about stacking the deck, oh wait, Trump can’t open a casino on the Las Vegas strip either. Hmmm. We need to know who is making these decisions in redaction-land or: Who Watches the Redactmen?

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Mueller Report Released In Its Entirety! But It’s Still Either Redacted Or In Klingon

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Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord has received a copy of the full Mueller Report from an unreal source. Unfortunately the original document is still mostly redacted. Attorney General William Barr explained how Mueller used large black blocks to actually type stuff into his report. “Intelligence agencies often use a Fed font, or Arial MIBlack,” said Barr. “It’s not uncommon to start with permanent redactions, which can save a lot of embarrassment later. You can also whiz through stuff when you’re in a hurry. I think Mueller actually started this thing last Monday.” The Discord released the full text, so we are asking our 11 fans to please check their spam folders. The report raises many questions, such as: why are the only non-redacted parts in Klingon? How can the only released English words, ‘beer pong’ possibly relate to Mueller’s original mandate? Do Klingons even play beer pong? Conclusions have fallen into two distinctly different camps. Whereas the Republicans remain convinced the leaked document fully vindicates the president, Democrats believe it opens a new line of inquiry into possible collusion between the Trump Administration and Q’ONOS, the Klingon home-world.

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Now We Need To Investigate The New Investigation Into The Investigation Of The Initial Russia Investigation

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No matter what it says or means, the Mueller report is an unmitigated disaster. At the very least it will improve Trump’s chances of winning a second term and our fascist in chief is already starting his own brand of revenge porn, aka prying healthcare from millions more Americans between tweets #Winning! Republicans are saying the liberal media should apologize for an investigation into Russian interference into the 2016 election that netted 27 indictments and proved the Russians interfered in the 2016 election. Nice. These folks can spin anything and this is their Pizzagate de resistance. Where is your apology for the seven investigations into Benghazi that led to no indictments, related or otherwise? Where is the apology for Spygate and this ‘insurance policy’ that apparently we never should have been paying those premiums on? Sorry, passing this one hurdle does not exonerate the village idiots in the room; it simply allows them to do more damage before the truth becomes apparent.

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Is The Ocasionist Manifesto Too Far Left?

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My blogvesary’s recent comment-bombing campaign reached new levels of absurdity this week. Pokey said, “Your statement, Zano, how ‘fascism is here already’ is a baseless claim. It’s a claim that is repeated, without evidence, by the democrats in a stream of propaganda that rivals the soviets.” Wow. My friend is not mincing words, just concepts. Of course, we need to move left amidst this populist assault on reason. Whereas this new Duck Soup will include a little Bernie, will it contain some Marx and Mao?  And how far left is too far? I don’t think we need to worry about that, probably ever. Big Pharma, big Aetna, and the Big Kahuna in office aren’t going down anytime soon. You can lead Gumby’s horse to Watergate, but ya can’t make him think? Again, we have a sociopathic authoritarian-wannabe in office; a man so legally cornered and mentally unfit that, if and when his high crimes and misdemeanors are exposed as high crimes and misdemeanors, he’s currently hedging his bets by stoking a violent uprising. But I know why you’re giving him a pass, Poke, you want some of that luke-warm victory fast food! McWinning! This is going to be the good kind of violence! The best violence!! #AskNotWhatUCanDo4McDonalds. Despite hangin’ at this crucial crossroads, my friend refuses to even acknowledge our arrival in Robert Johnson country—after making that fateful deal with the devil.

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Famed Producer Christof Admits Trump Campaign Really Truman Show Sequel

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Seahaven—Today the famed television mega-producer, Christof, of The Truman Show fame, admitted that the last three years of Donald Trump’s life have been the next of his epic reality TV series. In an interview with The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Christof stated, “My last foray involved keeping an individual, Truman Burbank, isolated in a bubble and making him believe that the environment around him was reality. This time I have taken an inside-out approach to that premise. We’ve targeted an individual from reality TV and created a fake reality out of him. The Truman Show started with the birth of the protagonist. This time I didn’t think that the back-story would be that compelling, although there is a niche market for those fascinated by the causes of sociopathic behavior. Maybe I’ll create a spin-off. Anyway, I didn’t have that kind of time to cultivate the requisite fame required to create the setting.”

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Hannibal Lecter Claims Tito’s Handmade Vodka “Not Made From Real Hands”

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Earth’s Crust—Evil genius Hannibal Lecter is suing Tito’s, a popular Austin-based vodka company and makers of Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The 78-year-old convict is coordinating the lawsuit from his maximum security prison deep within the Earth’s crust. After testing a sample of the product at an undisclosed location, the known cannibal found no human DNA whatsoever in the liquor. This prompted the master criminal to initiate legal action against the company for false advertisement. Lecter told the Discord, “I couldn’t find any sign of human remains, hands or otherwise, in this product. It’s corn-based, not a hand-based, which is not going to sit well with me, literally. Furthermore, if I wanted a screwdriver it would only be to bury in the neck of one of the guards.”

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Socialism Isn’t Evil, You’re Thinking Of Republicanism

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My friend and blogvesary continues to ignore the very parallel dimension in which he resides. He refuses to acknowledge how liberals are thwarted, time and time again, when they attempt to push anti-corruption legislation. Today’s example is ‘dark money’. Both parties use lobbyist-laden dark money, aka untraceable donations that propel their agendas, but per Mother Jones reporting over the last decade the totals vary greatly: R = $763.2 and D = $235.8. This week the Resisters tried to pass HR 1, an anti-corruption bill that would make all money traceable, but Mitch McConnell called it a “socialist power grab” …boogey, boogey, boogey! Uh, read the title of this article again, Mr. McConnell. You’re showing your horns and Mitchfork again.

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During President’s Absence ‘The Brothers Dim’ Redecorate The Oval Office

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Tweet Tower—Eric Trump and Don Junior wanted to surprise their father this week so, as the president approved the spring dessert menu at Camp Donald, the Brothers Dim set to work ‘improving’ their father’s office. The Secret Service allegedly participated in the effort and pictures of everyone using the water-bong prompted Vladimir Putin to call the Oval Office to warn the boys that if they didn’t start acting their age he’d forward the photos to the president.

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The Left’s Gatekeepers Vs The Right’s Pizzagaters

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The alternate reality that is the rightwing media echo chamber came into focus after 9/11. There was always concern that our response to 9/11, not the event itself, would be our undoing. Osama bin Laden knew this even if Dubya, for all his stratgery, didn’t. Today we’ve reached the promised land, kids, a place where nothing in the Fox-Trump continuum even matches the findings of our own intelligence community. Yay, team ‘Murica! We are officially two separate countries and both of them are going tits up. Post Trump’s inauguration I predicted Fox & Friends would attempt to drive this whopping pile of Foxal matter through The White House by—

[‘F*** the Face of the Nation’ joke removed by the editor. Geesh, Zano, get back on those meds!]

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WildernessPunk Solves The Immigration Issue

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Since immigration reform is such a hot issue today I figured I’d go ahead and offer a quick and inexpensive solution. You might not agree with it, but you can’t argue with the profound logic. So please accept this tongue in both cheeks approach to using facts and  problem solving prowess in a manner both brilliant and controversial. But if you don’t at least consider this, you can’t blame me when there’s no wall and our immigration system remains broken. My idea is as simple as it is effective.

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A Bond-Villain View Of The Trump Campaign

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Wow, look how big my hands are

This diatribe is largely in response to Pokey McDooris’ recent spew about the righteous Republican takeover of the presidency after the heinous rule of Barack Hussein Obama. Poke, for someone that’s all bunged up about the manipulation of the government and usurpation of rights by Democratic big money interests, you are really riding the wrong hobby horse.

Per a post-article Zano-McDooris debate, you stated that the Democrats “framed Trump for conspiring with the Russians.” Dude, they didn’t frame him for shit. In the months following the start of the Mueller Investigation*, Trump and his posse have admitted to tons of questionable activity as it pertains to Moscow. Just from his public statements Trump has confessed to fostering conflicts of interest as well as obstructing justice. If it makes you feel better, I’m not convinced that the Trump Campaign did wittingly collude with the Russians to throw the election (although I’m reasonably sure that Mueller will make it so).

*Note the name “Mueller Investigation” as opposed to the “Russia Investigation” monicre thrown around by seemingly everyone. It is not an investigation into Russian collusion, despite what Trump says, although he’s probably saying it out of a feeling of guilt. The mandate is an investigation into interference in the 2016 election, potential involvement of the Russians, possibly in collusion with the Trump campaign, plus anything derived therefrom (the “Gotcha bitch!” clause).

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