Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA

Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

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Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words

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Mick Zano

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld).  Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain.  So we need to act…   Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal?  Certainly not my blood pressure. 

What I saw of CNN’s coverage of Libya was responsible.  The questions ranged from: what role will we play to on whose authority have we taken action in the first place?  As of now, my understanding, which jives with CNN’s, is we are bombing some sites in Libya to enforce the UN resolution for a no fly zone…that’s it (at least as of 3/20).  Then I turn to my favorite source for misinformation, and this Justice Janine lady—kooky even by Fox standards—is discussing the situation with some neocon hawks (oh shock).  They’re talking about joining forces with the rebels and killing Kaddafi. Yes, Judge Judy, or whatever the hell her name is, was calling for the death of Kaddafi.   Now, I admit this thought crossed my mind as well, it sure crossed Reagan’s, but according to Fox News that’s what we are trying to do, already, today, as U.S. policy.  The mission—in their increasingly delusional world view—is to join forces with the rebels and kill Kaddafi.  Sure that might happen, but it’s not the mission today.  

And why are they all so gung ho to make foreign mistake blunder #3 anyway?   Are they crazier than I thought?  Oh, that’s right, wars don’t impact deficits. 

And the French are leading the attack!  Unacceptable!  We need to be doing all the world’s army stuff, dammit. We’re Americans (with an armed service paid for by China).  It’s our job to undo whatever Obama has done to quell WWIII.  We need to fire up all that anti-Arab sentiment again, or else we don’t feel safe. Let’s be clear, Obama did something arguably stupid, but that never stops the right from wanting to double down on that stupid.  They stick to the script.

To justify this action in Libya, without a congressional vote, Obama said he cannot stand by when a brutal dictator attacks his own people, or some such. 

OK, when you get done attacking, taking over, occupying, and reconstructing the other several dozen countries that also meet that criteria…um, what will our budget look like then? I had a similar question for Bush during Shock & Awe. If we do this alphabetically, by the time we get to Yemen, the United States will be Somalia.  Hey, wait a minute, I always wanted to be a pirate!  This is going to be awesome! 

Wait, I know how we’ll pay for this; Republicans are currently cutting a program that feeds homeless Veterans.  Yep, that oughtta do it.  As usual, they only see half the picture, but at this point their picture is an image of the world so distorted even Hunter S. Thompson can’t make heads or tails of it. 

Now, as soon as Obama took action, you could see all of the Foxeteers start back peddling. They call him a wuss, pressure him into action, and then start immediately questioning that action once he initiates it.  Patriots, not that different from pirates these days.

Wait, back to Fox…some sort of apology is in order.  Judge Justice just figured it all out.  Her guest, some McFarland lady, a National Security Analyst, is explaining our actual role in Libya.  She explained that we’re not trying to kill Kaddafi today.  Whew! Save, and a beauty, and just in the nick of time too; her show is nearly over.  I still blame those two military personnel for not setting her straight during that last segment.  Normally I only watch Fox in short shifts, like those Fukushima engineers on reactor duty, but today, feeling somewhat masochistic, I watched this whole frigging show.  Ask your doctor if Atenelol is right for you.

A Special Comment to King Obama:

When we are not being directly attacked, and you need to figure out the best course of action, dawdle away, pal.  Take as long as you need. Just because the right equates any pause to weakness doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think things through. Republicans are trying desperately to kill: people, our budget, and your credibility.  Oh, and they just love any excuse to increase our defense budget (you know, for when 50% of the world’s defense spending just isn’t enough).

Thanks to W, you have been given the ability—and apparently the right—to go to war however wherever and whenever you want, without anyone else’s approval.  That’s fine. I have already come to terms with this fact because I, unlike most of my fellow Americans, have been paying attention.  But you need to stop listening to the stupid.  I have much, much, much more confidence in Robert Gates than I do Hillary Clinton on matters of defense.  Defense is in his friggin’ title, Sunshine.  You needed to listen to him on this one. Oh, and if Rush Limbaugh and his Tard Army are on board, that’s a pretty big clue you’re barking up the wrong occupation.  To put it in perspective, it’s a Colonel-Mustard-in-the-dining-room-with-the-lead-pipe kind of clue.  On that note, besides budgetary issues, if you did the opposite of whatever the Limbaugh Nation is suggesting, you’re probably good.

The right prefers to rush to Limbaugh…sorry, I mean rush to war, invade the wrong country, and generally fuck things up. It’s their way.  Bush was decisively wrong on just about everything he ever did.  A real American.  And the same idiots who backed him are now pressuring you into making the same poor decisions.   Unlike some, I do not think this is the worst decision you have ever made in office—brown and taupe for the oval office!  Really? But your level of engagement on this little project is crucial.  It may become your worst decision if we get mired in Middle Eastern country number three,  so take a deep breath…and then change those damn curtains.

Listen to Robert Gates, Mr. Community Organizer.  As a community organizer myself, I would listen to him on defense issues.  Sure, I too can raise money for mental health awareness during a bake sale like no one’s business, but I think I’d leave the whole war plan thingie to the military guy.  Gates is, perhaps, the best decision you ever made…but taupe? Dude!  It’s so close to beige you can smell it.

Oh, and always listen to what Christopher Hitchens has to say; he should be an adviser, or if nothing else a regular read.  He’s like Fox News minus the stupid.  With Hitchens, you will get the best case for action on any hawkish foreign policy decision.  When I read a Hitch article over on Slate Magazine, I’m ready the nuke the fucking Amish. 

As for the rest on the right wing, drown them out. Anyone on Fox or any Republican candidate has been cognitively compromised long ago.

They have the right to be uninformed, but, as president, you don’t have to listen to them.  If left to the Foxeteers, Congress wouldn’t have to vote for war either…it would be a popularity contest.   By a show of hands, who would like to bomb Syria?  And the answer would invariably be “let’s bomb anyone we deem scary” or the Juan Williams Effect (JWE).  JWE…an acronym bordering on anti-Semitism.  Kidding, Juan!  It’s anti-Semitic.

Listen to the right if you must, but don’t let them cloud your judgment.  Do what you think is right…er, unless it’s war, in which case Congress is supposed to have a say (you know, back in the days when we had a Constitution). 

And please, nothing else in the beige family.

A Special Comment to the Patriotards:

We could not lead the action in Libya primarily because we still have little to no credibility on the world stage—mostly due to YOUR  voting records!  Second, it’s debatable whether we should have acted at ALL.  Not to mention the fact, we’re all still recovering from our last imperial president’s actions.  If you remain this uninformed on foreign policy, stop voicing your opinion all together.  Keep it to yourself! Think about it like this, it’s not your opinion anyway, so what are you really losing?
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Plume with a View: The Best Place to View Radioactive Cloud is Southwestern U.S.

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Plume with a View: The Best Place to View Radioactive Cloud is Southwestern U.S.

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid?  Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California.  The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway.  You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit.  The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another.  Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water.  It’s probably not safe.  In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn.  So you just have to stay alive until then. 

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show! 

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA.  Giant crickets!!

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U.S. Cooling Japanese Reactors with Help from Snow Miser?

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U.S. Cooling Japanese Reactors with Help from Snow Miser?

North Pole—The White House is downplaying the possibility the notorious weather sprite, the Snow Miser, might be employed to help prevent three or more nuclear meltdowns in Japan.  The little remaining water is no longer keeping the nuclear rods in the cores contained at this time, so Obama believes a being with super cooling abilities could stave off a complete and utter disaster. 

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, embarked to the Snow Miser’s ice castle yesterday to formally request aid from the Christmas marionette and Clause antagonist.

“We came at it from the angle, my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s…er, we won’t get fooled again!” exclaimed Clinton, who went on to explain how several meltdowns would embolden the Snow Miser’s brother and arch nemesis, the Heat Miser.  “If any meltdown would occur, the Heat Miser could reclaim some of the winter months in areas of northern Japan for tens of thousands of years,” explained Clinton.

The Obama Administration remains uncertain as to whether or not the Snow Miser took the bait and neither Clinton nor her entourage have been seen or heard from since.  Obama remains unconcerned at this time.

“I happen to know Hillary and the Snow Miser intimately, and I would be more concerned about the Miser.”

Obama denies that, should Clinton fail, he plans to send Joe Biden to enlist the aid of Mr. Freeze of Batman fame.  Although Obama admits the prospect of permanently freezing Biden’s mouth shut has a certain appeal. 

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.
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I’m Waving the Cranky White Towel of Disgust

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The Crank

We’re all toast. I can’t argue anymore, Mikko. To paraphrase the Grateful Dead, we’re all goin’ to hell in a hand basket, but where I beg to differ with Mr. Garcia is this: I am NOT enjoyin’ da ride.  The 28 days of February saw the U.S. borrow a record 266 billion dollars. That’s more than most presidents’ YEARLY deficit!   In fact, that’s more than most of the Discord contributor’s combined bar tabs…or pretty darn close.

And, yes Mikko, that’s why I said MOST presidents.  Notice I also said MOST Discord contributors (you and the Shaman might skew that score).  But, what is Washington all fired up about? They replaced the paper cups with Styrofoam?  Oh the horror.  Then the Dems threaten to sue the Republicans if they get cancer from them? We need to reduce the deficit by gazillions of frigging dollars. I don’t care if you assholes have to eat off plutonium plates at this point.

Here’s the great budget debate of 2011, summarized for your enjoyment:

Step 1: The GOP decides they want to cut $61 billion

Step 2: Obama downgrades that to $6 billion (which, according to math whiz Geithner, really only entails dropping the one).

Step 3: Then Democrats in the Senate double down on the stupid, “Hows ’bout $4.7 billion?”

Step 4: Then this pill on Capitol Hill goes to Congress, where a handful of newbies are flitting around yelling how the shit is hitting the fan.  And, with pieces of shit actually hitting their faces, everyone else in Congress “poo-poos” the idea (I do apologize for that one.  Just be thankful the faces-feces one was omitted).

I think they finally settled on cutting 6 dollars and 87 cents (probably from my paycheck).

Look up the words “Don’t Get It” in the dictionary and you will find a picture of our current Congress.

Uhhhh, we have a 14 trillion dollar shortfall, folks.  Really, that’s all you could muster?  And Harry ‘kill the prostitutes’ Reid argued on the Senate floor on how unbelievable it was that the meanies at the GOP want to defund the North Nevada Cowboy Poetry Festival (NNCPF).  No shit. I can’t make this stuff up—well, I could but in this case I didn’t have to.

Gas is up near four dollars a gallon. The Mideast is all F-d up. Donald ‘It Ain’t Not A Hairpiece’ Trump had it right.

As his hair waved hello to us in the wind, he recently stated in an interview: “Just when we are starting to dig our way out of a recession by ourselves, the powers that be will figure out a way to screw it up.”

Boy, was he right.

No permits issued for drilling, even though they found a crap load of oil in North Dakota. Have you ever been to North Dakota?

The six people that live there said, “Sure, go ahead & drill.  Just leave the cash by the trailer door.”

Oh, and not one permit issued for a nuke plant since the movie China Syndrome aired in the seventies (a slight exaggeration, but amusing nevertheless). We have a nuke here on the surface of the sun (Arizona), and it works just peachy. No fumes, no glow in the dark creatures, nutin’, just power, cheap power. I have been there many times, and have never seen anything resembling a Homer Simpson working there. A bunch of them do look like Willie Nelson, though, which is almost as bad.

Natural Gas (ppffft). The U.S. has enough Natural Gas to fart-power whole star systems but there is one problem (besides the smell). No permits issued for new drilling. Safe for the environment, clean, efficient? Nah, we don’t want any of that now, do we?  Too easy.

Not one new oil refinery built in twenty years. Even if we did get more oil, we can’t refine it. Have you ever seen the ones we have? Go to southern Louisiana. Sadly, I have. Looks like Mad Fucking Max was filmed there. (They should have let Lake Ponchartraine reclaim Orleans, but that’s another rant.)

Remember, you wouldn’t have to actually drill for anything. Just say you are, and the day traders will drop the price of oil like a DUI trying to ditch his Thunderbird bottle as the trooper approaches the vehicle.

And another thing, everyone in Washington wants to know the secret to job production. Just what is it we need to do? The answer? NOTHING!

No really, don’t DO shit. When they DO shit, it costs us money. They take in three dollars for every one they “invest” (their new code word for spend). The top earning 49% of the people in the U.S. pay nearly 90% of the taxes. The top 5% pay over 25%. A FULL 51% pay NO taxes at all! Can you say “Flat Tax?” I knew ya could.  Even Mikko agrees with this one. Even it all up. If you earn a buck, you pay tax. Period. We all pay the same %, and we all (meaning those of us that actually PAY taxes) will pay much less. Now THIS is MY kind of REDISTRIBUTION of wealth.

As for Madison, WI, unions are a victim of their own greed and stu-fucking-pidity. They took a good thing and ruined it. They will never recover, because the feline has not only jumped out of the eco-friendly shopping sack, it’s working in a sweat shop in China. To review the union phenomenon, we all pay taxes so they can have benefits we will never have (Oops. heh heh, sorry), while adding a hefty pay grade that sends all of our manufacturing to various Pacific Rim environs.

I was a union member for 25 years. At that time, in that business, they were a necessity. I am angry at today’s union leaders. The old Jewish guys that ran mine would eat these newbies for lunch.

To top off everything that’s wrong with this country, they got Julianne Moore to play Sarah Palin in an upcoming pic on the ’08 election. Geeh, Hollywood will surely be non-partisan, right? They better pad her up some. Old Sarah “the other white meat” Palin has some front to go with that back.

By the way, this last item was the straw that broke the Crankster’s back.  I could have lived with everything else, but bad casting?  It’s over. 

The Crank
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Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

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Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to “knee cap shots only, from here on out.”

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

“He’s a Democrat,” barked Governor Justice, “which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow.”

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is “extreme” and “unjustified.”

“Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one,” said Justice.

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Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie

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Mick Zano

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

For his latest exploits, Charlie started Sheen’s Korner, a new online extravaganza, complete with fart noises and endless “duhs.”

“No wonder the Discord doesn’t have his kind of audience. It’s Brilliant!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We need to make better use of the whole fart noise genre. There’s a whole bowel of untapped potential in that area.”

Sheen told his audience, “Check it, you’ve been warned . . . a violent torpedo of truth—love or hate—do the math!”

Never truer words were spoken, which is of course a fabrication. Everyone from the journalist, to the talk show host, to the resident expert is predicting his demise—which would normally be a safe bet.

“This is like all my other clients; his story is their story,” I heard someone say.

Ahhh, none of your clients probably have millions of dollars to fall back on and over a million Twitter followers. Besides, none of them are quite as entertaining as this larger-than-life spiral into the abyss. Sure we find delusions of grandeur and manic narcissism, but there are porn stars in his house…with him…right now. Half the country thinks that’s wicked cool (I’m talking about the male part, of course), even if some of them won’t admit it.

The Ghetto Shaman has commented on this Envious Sheen Phenomenon (ESP) and he believes Charlie needs to switch to hallucinogens (and has apparently already mailed him some). The Shaman believes Charlie needs to focus on his inner crazy and join him on his next Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.

What the Shaman and the Zano do agree on is this: Sheen is opting for a third way. He’s channeling those thoughts in his head into some epic yes!, some eternal embrace of not only life, but something infinitely more important: sex, drugs, and transgender prostitutes. Oh, wait, that’s Murphy.

I am not a party goer, he is saying I am party. He’s talking about Plato’s party, like he’s some archetypal avant-garde astronaut (AAGA). You can use that one Charlie. You’re welcome.

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

This is exactly what many geniuses and spiritual gurus might claim as they raise the frequency of their soul to harness those higher realms or spiritual energies. After all, there is a thin line between madness and genius—and Charlie Sheen has obviously tripped over that line in a drunken stupor. There’s a raw naked truth in what’s happening to him. There’s a message there and the message may seem garbled, but he represents us, right now, in the USA, 2011—as Frodo tells us, “Here, at the end of all things.”

Psychology and the realms of substance abuse treatment are of a single voice on this score:

You’re wrong again, Zano.

Sincerely,

The American Psychological Association

P.S. Oh, and please stop sending us your bar napkin, drunken thesis!

See? Don’t worry, they always send me that—it’s a form letter. Here’s why many argue madness is a very different thing from genius:

“Even acknowledged creative geniuses find that endurance must follow intuition. Einstein’s ideas were not worked out in a day. It takes a great deal of discipline, and often many bouts of trial and error, to work out an idea. Follow-through is critical to the realization of an idea. Discipline is not a hallmark of minds in the throes of emotional distress.”

—Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Yeah, but you’re forgetting the fart noise…it’s such an untapped medium. And I’m sure Sheen gets discipline, probably with leather involved. What about Vincent “Ear Today Gone Tomorrow” Van Gogh? What about Jack “Bleeding Ulcers” Kerouac? What about the Discord’s own Mad-Dog mystic the Ghetto Shaman?

There’s supposedly a gene DARRP-32 that proves a link between madness and genius—a gene that actually enhances thought processing and creativity. This gene is even supposedly linked to schizophrenia, but I’m confused…schizophrenics typically have less activity in their frontal lobes, and an over activation in the dopamingeric system. Isn’t it cool that I know that? Not nearly as f-ing cool as fart noises. Damn you, Sheen, and your trend-setting flatulence!

Sheen seems to be channeling his manic madness and I’ve sheen this done effectively before in both my personal and my professional life. Of course, he clearly has some things working against him. Sure, prolonged sleep deprivation and enough speed to give King Kong the jitters can negatively impact the human brain—eventually irreparably—but what if this channeled madness taps into something profound? I say he’s effectively riding this mongo mojo, baby, or put more righteously:

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

How can you argue with that? No really, what does it mean? As for the drugs, if he has stopped, as he claims, we would expect some post acute withdrawal. Typically flavored with some depression, anxiety, maybe some insomnia as his brain adapts to life without whatever substances his brain has grown accustomed to. Such a cleanup period is not likely to be filled with excited Twitter feeds—unless someone finds bedridden, suicidal jags hilarious. Think of it as a prolonged hangover, or what I call my “undergraduate studies.” Now, if he keeps up his Life in the Fast Lane ways, we would expect to see a real decline in his mental health to the point of more CPS and police involvement.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a rock star from Mars.”

The Ghetto Shaman may be suing him for plagiarism on that one, but clearly some “madmen” are tapping into the something other and can no longer translate what’s happening to the sorry Muggles they’ve left behind. He’s excited about something, but he is, as yet, unable to accurately convey his message to the rest of mankind. He’s like the Buddha…on meth.

All farting aside, there are many regressive themes in Sheen’s current predicament. The common drug addict de-evolves overtime, but much of the negative behaviors associated with drug use involve activities to support the habit. Sheen has no need to mug you in an alley, so his descent is quite different than most…for the moment.

Typically addicts, like schizophrenics, tend to have less prefrontal activity, as the mesolimbic system, or the reptilian brain (as Bone calls it “the Yig brain”) takes charge. But there are those who feel substances can be harnessed for more divine purposes. Right, Pokey? Not saying I entirely agree, but let’s at least hear what he has to say.

Pththththt

OK, besides that. The worst that can happen is we witness the dangers inherent with extreme drug use and the best that can happen Sheen teaches us something about ourselves, our culture, and our future.

Ptthttttht

Please, I’m trying to be serious here.

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Pope Tells Altar Boys to “Get the Flock Out of Here”

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Pope Tells Altar Boys to "Get the Flock Out of Here"

Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism.  From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.

“Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice,” said the Pope. “A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God.”

Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.

 “You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right?  Heh, heh.  But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all.”

Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, “Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time.”

Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor’s imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don’t know where he is and that’s, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the “Ask Your Question, Bitch” button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday…ish.
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Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War

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Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
Alex Bone

Most understand how scorpions loathe their aquatic brothers, the viscous crawdad. Both have segmented bodies, pinching claws, and a burning desire to kill everything that crosses their path. These spineless bastards part ways, however, when it comes to protecting the environment. Whereas scorpions drive Priuses and recycle whenever possible, crawdads are a different story.

Scorpions will do everything in their power to rid the world of excess vermin, crawdads happen to be that vermin.  Those cray-beasts are hell-bent on destroying all other life forms leaving the planet a desolate void—like Mesa.  Scorpions would kick some serious crawdad ass, if only they inhabited the same ecosystem.  So I, Alex Bone, have finally figured out a way to put their natural animosity to good use (insert diabolical laughter here).  I have designed small diving helmets to fit over a scorpion’s head. Then, with a tiny oxygen line, these deadly scorpions are now able to enter the water and fight their evil brethren on their own turf. This pleases Yig.

The experiments are due to begin this spring, barring any altercations between Zano and his nemesis the Arizona Game and Fish Commission. The Discord staff will be armed to the gills (so to speak) as they set forth with bucket loads of poison-laden scorpions. These daring environmentalists will let nothing stand in their way, other than numerous beer runs, barbecue breaks, horse shoe matches, cold pond-water bong hits, forest nymphs, and the aforementioned Arizona Game and Fish Commission.

It will be dicey, of course, for we will be dozens of miles from the nearest liquor store, but the advantages clearly outweigh the risks. Others complain about war, genocide, nuclear weapons and the recent expansion of executive power, but we have survived those for generations, or at least some of us have. Crawdads on the other hand are a nearly unstoppable force that will feast on any living organism. If left unchecked, they could soon control the world…soon they will be on top of the food chain!

So, with the grace of Yig and a few dozen cases of micro brew, these Stalwart warriors will set off for adventure…just as soon as they can find Bone’s damned car keys.

Mick Zano has been quoted as saying, “Bring some other styles besides IPAs, bitch,” as well as other important contributions to the cause.

First it was the fish, then the frogs, but I drew the line when they ate my mother-in-law. Yep, drew it right after that and between the death of my dog and those little bastards chewing on the end of my new sandals.

As the self appointed head of Home Stream Security (HSS), I am moving the color coded warning system to Red Ale, so Zano doesn’t bitch about the beer selection.  Like it or not, this is humanity’s last stand. It’s us or them. I’m hoping these scorpions will give us enough of an edge to have a chance.  Our first attempt with cats went rather poorly.  I forgot how much they hate water.  You will be missed, Snowflake.  But this scorpion thing is going to rock and then I will earn my place as the Scorpion King!

Only time will tell who will be the last to end up in the boiling water and then buttered—but, if it’s me, I sure hope they pour a few bottles of ale into the caldron before I go.  Yeah, I’m talking about IPA, bitch.
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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the ‘architect’ from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

“We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled,” said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, “and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest.”

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

“Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople,” said Murdoch.  “They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2.”

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

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The Case for Obama’s Impeachment

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Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

Hey Newt, why don’t you conduct an investigation on yourself instead?  You’ll find paranoia, greed, selfishness, and a host of other real American values.  Sometimes I think Newt is at the heart of the Neococoon, yet other times and on other issues he seems almost reasonable.  He waivers between slightly wrong and Oh my god, this fucker’s nuts.  Either he is placating the bat-shit base, or he embraces the stupid himself; neither are forgivable positions.  I rarely resort to name calling but in this case, why not?  He’s a creep in both his personal and his political life. And he’s a creep with a good shot at the presidency, but only because the field is soooo lousy.

So what is the Republicans case for impeachment?  Republicans feel strongly Obama should be removed from office.  What are they basing this on?  Is avoiding a depression an impeachable offense? Even the Crank has mentioned impeachment, so let’s Google the bitch.  One website posts the three recent arguments for impeachment.  The first we already covered, Bert and Ernie’s forbidden love.  OK, not interested, not impeachable, so moveon.org.   

The second “argument” comes from radio talk show host Tammy Bruce.  I could only read the first sentence from this riveting story.  Sorry, I have acid reflux.

Though I was unable to complete the first sentence in its entirety, I was captivated for the first six to ten words.  Here’s the first sentence as covered by Ben Johnson:

A nationally syndicated radio talk show host has called for Barack Obama to be impeached if he is secretly pushing Egypt to become an Islamist country ruled by the Muslim Brotherhood.

Listen, Tammy, I know behavioral health professionals who can diagnose and medicate your condition. 

Here’s the third and final “argument” from impeachObamaCampaign.com:

Since this third argument is so compelling, I covered the whole piece and added my own comments for fun:

Impeachment Dude: What if we elect a Republican House and Senate and they don’t challenge Barack Obama on every front?

Zano: So you’re challenging our recovery on every front…great.

Impeachment Dude: I see victory within reach…

Zano: …and hopefully Thorazine.

Impeachment Dude: I know the freshmen class of Republican House and Senate members in January will be freedom fighters!

Zano: Sounds a little Bert & Ernie to me.

Impeachment Dude: But what of the Republican leftovers?

Zano: Goulash?

Impeachment Dude: Will they stand in the way of a real revolution in Congress next year?

Zano:  Yes, a real revolution by real Americans, or as Mel Brooks calls them “the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.”

Impeachment Dude: (shortened for sanity’s sake) Dear Mr. Issa: This isn’t about “process.” It’s about the Constitution. It’s not just about Obama “misusing” authority. It’s about Obama exceeding his constitutional authority. Is there any doubt about that?

Zano: Examples would be swell.

Impeachment Dude: I heard this nonsense back during the Clinton administration, too. 

Zano: You mean, the guy who balanced the budget?

Impeachment Dude: But the abuse of power exercised by Obama makes the Clinton administration look like the George Washington administration by comparison.

Zano: In your deranged world view, sir, how did you manage to skip over Bush and Cheney’s expansion of executive power?  Two words: Fox News.

Impeachment Dude: The future of our nation is at stake. The survival of our nation is at stake.

Zano: Yep, now if only you knew why.

Impeachment Dude: This is no time for playing paddy-cake with Obama.

Zano: True, but is hopscotch out of the question?  All childhood games should be on the table!  Well, with the exception of hopscotch, which should be on the sidewalk.

Impeachment Dude: That’s not what the anticipated electoral revolution of 2010 is about.

Zano: Yeah, it’s about misinformation.

Impeachment Dude: It’s about time Republicans in Congress start thinking about the Constitution and returning the rule of law to America.

Zano: …an example is coming, I can feel it.

Impeachment Dude: We’re at a crossroads, and there is no margin for error.

Zano: No gun metaphor?  What’s wrong, little camper?  Besides, 2003 was the crossroads; we’re now more like in the traffic circle. Look, kids, Big Ben, Parliament!

Impeachment Dude: Obama must be challenged on every front – even if we don’t win every battle. It’s time to go on offense.

Zano: Battle, now that’s more like it.

Impeachment Dude: We won’t get a second chance this time.

Zano: Talk to your parole officer. I’m sure the community will embrace you if you pay your dues to society.

Impeachment Dude: Obama should be impeached!

Read the entire compelling argument without my commentary here.

Whew.  They build quite a case for impeachment.  Actually, as usual, they build quite a case for psychotropic medication.  Remember, these are the same people who support the Patriot Act because they’re so patriotic.   Much of this, I am guessing, is about the healthcare debate.  Oh, the horror.  How dare someone address the out of control healthcare costs for our 37th ranked system.  I have a rather lengthy list of actual impeachable offenses for our last president—ones based on something we independent thinkers like to call “reality.”

In their defense, I really do think there are huge abuses going on but let’s not forget, for the most part, these were created by the last administration.  Just a hint of understanding on how we got here would be swell.  To summarize, if your “revolution” involves electing anyone else named Bush, you’ve missed ALL of the main points of the last decade. 

You know what scares me more than Obama?  Forty-percent of our society suffering from a diagnosable collective delusional disorder.  There are real reasons for a revolution, but how can we sift through this nonsense and get to matters of substance when the current debate has been hijacked by morons?  At this point, we can’t. 

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