ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

by Sarah Angelfire • April 14, 2011

Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover. No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time. This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell. On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors).

I need to do a little exposition here to bring you up to speed. I’m not sure what your “divine” belief system is, whether you believe in a God of any kind or not but most religions, across the board, will tell you that God is in everything and everyone and that is true (God even in exists within the Ghetto Shaman column, if you can believe that). But, for the record, God is NOT judgy, punishy guy sitting on a throne somewhere writing down a list of things you’ve done wrong. That’s Santa Claus and, sure, they’re friends and all, but they’re in no other way affiliated.

God IS unconditional love, and that’s it. A big huge ocean of sentient and aware unconditional love that is in love with you. No one person is the totality of the divine but each person contains their own spark of the divine that can be expanded to the extent that total awareness and God realization is remembered—and, if we keep expanding and illuminating, our very bodies can dissolve into this super high vibrational particular golden light (don’t insert another lousy acronym joke, guys, I’m trying to be serious here). So again, that divinity is in everyone—that spark of love and gratitude. We can allow that part to expand and become the predominant experience of our lives… the thing that takes the wheel so to speak.

Our little human brand of God also includes the ability to create. So here’s where we get back to the alien stuff. You knew it was coming, right? Apparently, however, there are “good guy” aliens and “bad guy” aliens, just like there are “good guy” people and “bad guy” people (really there is no good or bad, it all just is—but that’s another post).

I truly believe many species of aliens have visited our planet throughout history and some are actually living among us (see any Crank feature). Many species who visit our beautiful little Earth have these little devices that can read other life forms’ energy fields. Often times, when aliens visit our world and their little gizmo shows them what our energy field contains—which senses our ability to create—some freak out and take a headlong run to the galactic hills…for their lives. White man came across the sea, he brought us pain and…sorry, miles away.

Some of the bad guy aliens have figured out a way to deactivate that spectacular ability that we have to create so they aren’t so readily destroyed. What is there deactivation device, you ask? Fear. The more humankind stays in a state of fear, the less empowered they are, the less likely they are going to be “in the flow” and fully experiencing the creativity that flows through them and live a fully engaged life where fear, sadness, anger and such are recognized, honored, loved, accepted and integrated as much as the happy joy emotions so that they don’t build up inside; they become distorted and end up being what rules our experience. Yep, aliens love Karl Rove and those fear mongering Fox and Friends, who knows, maybe they’re even funding them!

There is nothing wrong with any of these emotions. It’s our denial of them that gets things all wacked out. They serve a purpose, and it’s a good one and there’s actually as much joy in those emotions as the joyful ones. It’s all about enjoying the illusion of separateness and without anger, sadness, shame, guilt, fear, envy, jealousy, etc., we couldn’t have this little party of the divine—a divine interacting with itself in any and every way it can think of and loving every minute of it.

So we’ve got the bad guy aliens scaring us into submission. Why are they doing this? Well, one brand of the aliens apparently evolved so much into their mind that they literally lost or greatly reduced their heart center and of course, without love, there’s nothing, because that’s all there is, and so they’re going extinct. So yes, there have been abductions and all kinds of attempts at inter-breeding so they could get their heart back, but of course, that didn’t work and then The X-Files was cancelled. So where are the good guy aliens? I’m glad you asked!

Right now, astronomically, our beloved Earth is moving into alignment with the center of our galaxy. As we have been getting closer, an energetically noticeable shift began long, about 1988. It has continued to intensify since and will continue to do so, exponentially, as we move into direct alignment long about 12/2012. Then the Earth will take its time moving away again and the intensity will diminish until things “even out” about 2035. From what I understand, there is a butt load of pretty awesome, divine energy that emanates from the center of our galaxy. So as we line up with it, higher vibrations are showering our Earth, essentially rooting out all of the denser, lower vibrational energies. (love/gratitude=highest vibrational emotions, fear/sadness=lowest vibrational emotions [anger is simply empowered sadness].) So that’s why we see the all of the revolution taking place on smaller and larger scales, why one minute we’re flying high and the next minute we’re totally freaking out and have no idea why. This is the result of the higher vibrational energies working their way into the densest places and allowing what’s there to be finally expressed and dissolved. The Earth is doing the same thing. She’s been beat up on for so long now and it has hurt her in every way. So now she too is releasing wha

Sooooo, good guy aliens. Since Earth is already moving into alignment with the highest influx of cosmic, divine energy that it’s experienced in tens of thousands of years, and since, for some reason, the evolution of our planet seems to be pretty important inter-galactically lots and lots of good guy aliens, along with angels, light beings, etc., are working on our behalf to help us take this much-needed leap forward in our evolution as a species. That’s why more and more people are seeing triangles, spirals and such over different cities around the world, governments are releasing their formally top secret alien information, and there has been talk that the UN is considering appointing a First Contact Person for Earth-Alien Relations. John Bolton? The trick, however, is we must be a part of it. Our evolution out of a lower vibrational experience, ruled by hatred, violence, fear, sadness, anger, guilt, envy, shame and the illusion of separation into a higher vibrational experience of love, gratitude, joy, bliss, creativity, inspiration, celebration and oneness— is happening through us, not to us. We must consciously make the choice when we find ourselves in stressful and upsetting situations to take a moment and look inside and discover why we’re upset in order to facilitate our highest expression possible and to prevent more pain and suffering that will eventually need to be dissolved and integrated.

When someone upsets us, it really has nothing to do with them, even if they say the most awful or inappropriate thing (see any Discord article). When someone says something critical of us about something we have confidence in then we don’t really care. It’s when someone says something about what we’re insecure about or that we have a sensitivity to…that’s when we get defensive or hurt—like when Zano first gave me feedback on this post, the rotten backstabbing…breathe.

They are not really hurting you, they are merely giving you the gift of awareness—awareness that there is something unresolved within you. They are not giving you pain, they are giving you a pointer to where you already have lots of pain stored up and a heads up that it needs your attention. So go into the pain that’s triggered, fully experience it, let the mind assist only to the degree that it helps you to figure out why you feel how you feel by asking questions like, “When did I feel this before?”, ” What does this remind me of?”, “Why am I thinking of my Dad all of a sudden?” It’s not even important sometimes to know why you feel bad. It’s through fully experiencing the feeling that the truth can be discovered. It’s by fully allowing the pain of that past experience to be fully expressed, through crying, shouting at an empty chair where you imagine the source of your pain to be sitting, journaling, expressing the emotion through our creative outlets, our artistic expressions, that it can finally dissolve and stop being our ruling experience. We are all made of joy–joy of God, joy of that divine essence which, again, is only unconditional love and gratitude. For most of us, it’s just got a lot of shit piled on top of it that needs to be accepted, experienced, loved for exactly what it is and then integrated.

So that’s your alien Update –along with your human evolution update. So if the news starts sharing breaking stories of alien contact, rest assured it shall not be of the “V” or “Battle LA” variety, it will be more like the “Whassup? We’re here to help fo’ real, yo” variety. Aaaannd now you know how we get to help ourselves and the Earth. The good guy aliens, angels, light beings and the divine move us into the highest expression of ourselves and finally have nothing but a good time all the time! It can be done. It is happening now. It starts within each and every one of us. Connect with your divine and receive all the love you can. Fill up and let it spill out into all of the people around you and you will be a part of making this world a better place! Thank you!! …and I love you! ♥

Oh, and you might want to start this little project by limiting the time you spend reading the Daily Discord. Kidding! Well, sort of…

by Mick Zano • April 13, 2011

You just need a shovel

by Mick Zano • April 12, 2011

Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010. After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

“The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance,” stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman. The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has “since been fired,” added Winslow.

“We are happy to have won the foam finger,” said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. “I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing jerks for the last two years.”

The Crank told reporters, “I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!” Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences.

“This is an amazing accomplishment,” said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony. “I am just surprised this is the first year we won.”

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

“It’s about going to Tahoe,” added Tony. “I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?”

by Mick Zano • April 11, 2011

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from. My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick). Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever… I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap! My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?! I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, “Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!”

That is a small example of how the right is killing the debate. They may or may not be crazy enough to elect a Palin or a Bachmann, but the damage is done. I really should have read that other article, maybe I would understand them a little more. It’s like setting off a political dirty nuke when many of us are just starting to get our bearings. And how is distracting the last few real journalists helping? Just because you don’t have any left on your side doesn’t mean they don’t perform an important function.

In a post Bush we-can-barely-keep-the-dollar-solvent world, they have derailed the political discourse, yet again. How is any reasonably sane person supposed to believe cable news? I want the media questioning Obama, I agree with Fox on that much, but how can you watch it long enough to discern anything meaningful and hold down your lunch? Especially with, as Andrew Sullivan calls it, this 24/7 Breitbart style circus of ACORNs, and mosques, and birthers, oh my. I’m much more concerned about Michele Bachmann as president in 2012 than I am about anything else, domestic, global, or Mayan (sorry Ghetto man). Yes, that’s including my dwindling iodine supply. But, on that front, if Mothra, Rodan, and Godzilla join forces they can beat Fukushima! I just know it!

From a level of consciousness perspective, many of our fundamental Foxeteer friends (FFF) are only functioning slightly higher than that Koran-burning bozo from Florida. Shit is going wrong, right now. I want to stay focused on Libya, on the economy, on the frigging ball! I just want those someones covering this shit to have their GEDs! Or, at least the GE part. Hey, don’t they own MSNBC? Hell, I’m part of the problem…my biggest complaint is not our failing financial system, it’s Fox friggin’ News. All of my negative energy could be diffused, immediately, if they would simply turn the debate over to those with some insight and some understanding—OK, if they found people with those qualities on the right. If and when that happens we would be in much better shape.

The camps are so divided now that neither wants to give the other any ammunition. Someone goes, “Nice job on that gotcha moment with Obama, dude!” And then you pass the next cubicle and hear, “Great, you supported a talking point for our ‘special’ journalists over on Fox.”

Granted, it’s no excuse not to do your job, but these days it’s sadly an O’Reilly factor.

The ridiculously dumbed-down debate (RDDD) has poisoned the entire system, as if destroying the global economy in their spare time weren’t enough. The left leaning media doesn’t ask the hard questions and the right can’t figure out how to hit record on their recorders (which doesn’t matter; they were only going to ask about his birth certificate again, anyway).

Palin or Bachmann may never come close to the oval office, but there’s that butt…and Palin’s isn’t bad. Just…er, please stop trying to fit a square peg into an Oval Office. Instead of covering our fearless leaders’ antics, even Andrew Sullivan spends waaaaaay too much time bashing Palin over on The Daily Dish. But I get it. Sentient creatures are frightened of what the right is capable of. Doubling down on the stupid has been fun and all, but we’re getting near the end game now.

How do you think keeping intelligent people focused on the freak show is helping? Which begs the question, if Democrats can’t fix this shit, who will? As I have said before, the only group I have less confidence in than the Democrats are the Republicans. Can we afford someone dumber than Bush as leader of the free world from 2012 to 2020? Really? Sorry, but this is what 40% of our programmed populace is prepared to support. They will all feel much better when things are collapsing again—at least they’re consistent. No matter what is happening on the world or domestic stage, a Bachmann or a Palin Administration would compound the problem tenfold. With all the predictions I’ve made thus far that’s the safest bet.

This week the right asked why Bill Maher is allowed to make insensitive comments about women. Hey, I have an idea…why don’t you police your nominees and then we’ll take away that whole freedom of speech thing for everyone else. Your myopic view of the Constitution is sickening. I’m not a witch, I’m your wife… I mean, I’m you, if you were lobotomized. Vote for me, witch is you… Yeah, let’s get her back.

Besides…the left’s comedians are much more insightful and intelligent than your flipping candidates! That’s not hyperbole, that is a fact! Bring out the IQ testers. Safe bet part deux.

It really begs the question, are they really that ridiculous or are they placating to the Joe the Dumbers out there? I think Newt is pandering. At the end of the day, he is a lot smarter than your average elephant. He’s a bright, but souless man. We need someone on the right with a functional brain and a functional conscience. So far none, in any position of prominence, exist. They’ve all been chased off. I’m only saying this because “you assholes have a shot in 2012 and I still have to live here.”

The fact remains, 40% of the population will support these nutjobs, even if their entire candidacy is tied to some shady Koch Brothers’ business deal. Yes, that’s how dangerous Fox is. They could get 40% of America to believe Canadians are all socialist, hockey luvin’, pansies who must be occupied for their massive oil shale deposits. It may sound extreme, but an unchecked media can “prove” any connection and make the case for any invasion (see Iraq 2003). Sure, we should invade Canada, but only for their beer and hockey. Sure it sounds crazy, but Fox could make a strong case…and by strong I mean, repeating a falsehood ad nauseam until the feeble minded believe it.

Obama’s picker’s broken? Please. Have you read the top ten list of popular people on the right? It makes Arkham’s Home for the Criminally Insane look like A Very Brady Christmas. Am I showing my age? No Greg, don’t surf with the amulet!!!

Bottom line, many credible folks are disgusted with today’s right, therefore they dismiss all of their arguments, which is certainly part of the reason Obama can ignore a bazillion dollar deficit. When nine out of ten things you say are untrue and/or uninteresting, you can apparently hide a gazillion dollars in there, somewhere.

The left needs to start focusing on the deficit. They need to accept the fact they’ll be adding some fuel to the fire over on Fox, but how can they ignore the greatest issue of our time? Our defaulting economy is the problem now. The right is closer to the truth on this score than the left. Of course, who do they get to state their case? …Michele off-my-Prozac Bachmann. Nice…real nice. Sure the right is politicizing the deficit and attacking and defunding things they hate, like old people, but how is ignoring the deficit any better? Obama needed to lead on this. For the first two years of his presidency he gets a pass. The first gazillion dollars bypassed a depression—most of us get that—but the free pass is now over. We need a long term solution to the debt, a comprehensive strategy that cuts responsibly from every quadrant and sector of our society. If we ignore the problem any longer we will default…then we will no longer be a country of any prominence in the world. But, if we gut all social programs and further expand our defense budget to occupy some other oil rich land, this country is going to be unrecognizable in a few years.

The Crank has a great point, a flat tax NOW!! See, just mentioning the Crank leads to BOLD, CAPITALIZED SENTENCES AND EXCLAMTION POINTS!! If you want to purchase something, everyone needs to start figuring in the interest, whether you’re Donald Trump or our own street wandering, Ghetto Shaman—with the exception of malt liquor products, of course. We have to throw the Shaman at least one Bone (if he hasn’t already been eaten by crawdads).

Join the Transcosmetic Party today and say “no” to dumb and dumber, no matter which side of the aisle they inhabit.

by Mick Zano • April 10, 2011

Will he be tried as an adult?

by Mick Zano • April 9, 2011

Flames/Oilers Hockey Check Causes Deadly Explosion

Edmonton, Alberta—”The Great One” has a new meaning today for hockey fans, as many are calling this Canadian tragedy the “fart heard ‘round the world”. Survivors claim there was a grunt, a ptththt, and a massive explosion after Adam Pardy of the Calgary Flames slammed into Zack Stortini of the Edmonton Oilers during the second period of last night’s game. The explosion left 57 dead and hundreds more unable to make it to the concession stand for the remainder of the game.

Canadian newspapers have not commented on the civilian deaths but are worried about the three Oilers and four Flames who may not return for the final two games of the season.

“It’s a travesty,” said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman. “Calgary had a shot at the playoffs.”

The dead players are not expected to return, but the ones who only lost limbs are expected to play if their respective team makes the playoffs.

“Hockey checks, flames, oil, and farts are a volatile mixture. It’s worse than Bone, Zano, and the Shaman at an open bar,” commented Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop. “This incident was just a matter of time. It’s like playing with fire…and oil…and farts.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 8, 2011

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke. If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there. It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the “BLOW” IN “BLOW JOB” IS AN EXPRESSION! This evil machine hammers home that point, literally.

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. For the record, a friend told me this…

by Mick Zano • April 7, 2011

Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack

Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest. He is currently deemed “still too disoriented” to help authorities.

A search party was organized…well, just as soon as the campers had eaten breakfast, played a few rounds of horseshoes and found their underwear. But, to date, all attempts to locate Mr. Bone have been unsuccessful. Authorities did find a half-finished pale ale near an area south of Parks Arizona known as the Lilly Ponds. Since Bone was a fan of Bukowski and would never not finish a beer, his friends and family have concluded: the crawdads had their revenge at last.

Over the past several beers, Mr. Bone has become a well known spokesperson against crawdad rights. Here is a quote from his last ‘Crawdad Go Home Rally’ held in Wheeler Park in down town Flagstaff—which Fox News didn’t cover, on purpose, because they’re crawdad loving sympathizers(CLS):

“We all know that Crawdads are an evil invasive species, most likely sent to Earth to destroy all life by those brain sucking cowards the Migo. We’ll just suck their brains right back and cook up their tails too! I’m the last one to let some so-called intelligent Fungi boss me around. And don’t even get me started on Nyarlathotep. I got stung by a yellow jacket last week and I’m sure that that crawling chaos bastard was behind the whole sting!”

—Alex Bone

As far as anyone can tell, Bone lives in a dark Lovecraftian world, which exists on the very edge of our reality…or he’s on meth; we’re sure it’s one of the two.

So far all local authorities have refused to help in the search for Bone.

The Flagstaff PD stated, “We still remember when that so called anarchist used to put on punk rock shows for the kids too young to get into bars. As a result of his influence, my son votes Democratic now and my daughter married a hippy. If only they’d stayed home and watched Fox News 24/7.”

The Park and Game Commission have also declined to be involved with anything to do with, “That damned liar, Zano.”

So the surviving members of M.A.M.A scoured the woods for their founder.

He-Who-Should-Not-be-Named, er…another words, someone who participated in the search but would like to remain anonymous, said “Sacrifices were made, like calling in sick, withdrawing money from their children’s college funds to help with more beer and munchy runs, smoking all of Uno’s weed (he shouldn’t have left it out), and burning all of Bone’s conspiracy theory books to keep warm…it got really cold that week and we were just too drunk to gather more firewood…”

The statement actually goes on for seventeen more paragraphs, but that was the only comprehensible part. Some of us here at the Discord can’t help but see the irony in his being dragged to his death and devoured by crawdads. What a way to go for such a well known hero. After fighting his dark nemesis, the Xemmoni, or maybe his sanity, in the end it was those little bastards that took him down. The sad thing is, witnesses noticed several sticks of butter missing that morning.

One camper commented, “Unless Devo was making some new friends, it must have been a horrible way for poor Alex to go.”

Mick Zano claims a crawdad hunt & bake is being held at the Lilly Ponds next weekend in Bone’s honor, “This way a little piece of Alex will be with us always…in a creepy cannibalistic kind of way.”

by Pierce Winslow • April 6, 2011

Time to call in “The Captain”

by Mick Zano • April 5, 2011

Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man

Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns. There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other. Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box.

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners. Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations. The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret. Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday.

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

“He has experiences in this area like no other,” said Akira Endo of TEPCO. “He may hold the key.”

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted “OVER!” before releasing said button. Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, “Did you try shredded newspapers?”

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting. While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: “Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button.” American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means.

by The Crank • April 4, 2011

As we near the deadline for our children in Congress to play nice and pass a friggin’ budget, we hear repeated threats of a complete government shutdown (CGS). Oooh! Noooh! Mr. Bill, stuck on Capitol Hill! We can’t have that, now can we? For the world will surely fold up and die, the sky will fall, plagues, locusts, and the elderly will have to eat the locusts! And the Seventh Seal will start barking or something…

Now hold on a Capitol pickin’ minute. Yes, some entitlement checks won’t go out, and that’s going to be a problem, for sure. Oh wait, but I’m not “entitled” to a fucking thing. I am broke…of my own doing, so I live off of the good graces and compassion of the world’s best wife (who knocks off liquor stores on weekends). The ones with the guns still get paid, so we’re somewhat safe. I’m good there. Stores will still be open, so I can eat. That’s always good for me. Hospitals will still be open so if I do something stupid (alright, stupider), I can get put back together. No mail? Well, that means no bills! I’m good there. DirecTV still on, Suns still losing, Coyotes still winning, mostly. Hemi still starts. I’m good to go!

What we won’t have is sponges and meddlers. Sponges are the people whose only income is derived by stealing it from the taxpayers. Meddlers are convinced they have to protect their phony baloney jobs by appearing to “enact” shit. Shit they have no real business “enactin” in the first place. Isn’t that commercial? Tough actin enactin, or something. Back east they would be more likely to say “enact dis.” A comment traditionally accompanied by an inappropriate cupping gesture.

So, as I ponder this here catastrophe, and ponderin’ ain’t my best suit, I can think of no actual downside. Actually, it’s a win-win (and yes, even I am tired of that little ditty, Herr Zano). What I am feeling is, well, for lack of a better word, uh actually uh…free? Yes, I feel that the shutdown is freedom at its core. This should not be looked upon as frightening. Oh contraire, it’s the very foundation of FREEDOM.

So, I say when the day comes and they actually do a shutdown, lets all take to the streets! To protest? No. To revel in the feeling. I’ll be standing in front of my local Post Office with my hands in the air, a big smile on my face, and the glazed look of a born-again capitalist.

I will be shouting, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE’RE ALL FREE AT LAST!

CRANK THAT.

by Mick Zano • April 3, 2011

NASA Discovers Planet Where Republican Views Make Sense

by Mick Zano • April 2, 2011

God Angry with Obama for Supporting Republican Energy Views?

Heaven—Isn’t the timing more than a little suspicious? Think about it; Obama backs deep sea drilling and, boom, a few weeks later gazillions of gallons of crude oil spews into the Gulf of Mexico. Obama then backs nuclear energy and boom, splash, Japan’s nuclear incident occurs at Fukushima.

God told our own Cokie McGrath, “If Obama start promoting ‘clean’ coal, I already have that covered as well.”

God plans to burn the entire state of Kentucky by setting all its coal mines ablaze at once in something he is calling his ‘Shock and Ore’ campaign.

“In 2011, if you’re still talking only about the big three: nuclear, coal, and oil, it’s go time, bitches,” said God.

God also admitted to McGrath, global warming doesn’t pose a threat to human life anytime soon.

“But plans have changed,” added God. “Climate change wouldn’t have become deadly for another thousand years or so, but it’s time to turn this cosmic crockpot up notch.”

God then entered his 2010 Prius, with venti mocha macchiato frappe in hand, and may have either waved goodbye out of the car window or flipped the press the bird.

“We’re sure it was one of the two,” said McGrath

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 1, 2011

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books? Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA

Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth! I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop. For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck. He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you’re only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

by Mick Zano • March 31, 2011

The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona

I have been living in northern Arizona for almost a few years now and I have both loved and loathed nearby Sedona. It’s such wonderful place, a place sacred to both the Hopi and hobo alike, and yet there’s always something missing. One thing that comes to mind is the lack of a well poured Guinness—actually, any Guinness for that matter.

Oak Creek Brewing Company has two locations and I love them both, but otherwise Sedona is seriously lacking good beer. I know, hard to believe. Even Oak Creek Brewing rarely has a stout on tap. God loves making beautiful canyons but I’ll bet he wants to admire his work over a good stout. He is hopnipotent, after all. Sedona is angering the Brew Gods and has brought the wrath of the Great ‘Sudsy’ Spirit down on this unsuspecting red rock community.

My stout seeking ended last week at Mooney’s Irish Pub, a place open about six months now. How did I find this place, you ask? Well, the other day I was perusing the fine art and sculptors over at the Exposure Gallery and decided to check out the place next door. OK, I only ended up in the Exposure Gallery after turning into the wrong parking lot—I had already Googled Mooney’s the night before. Oh, and with a name like the Exposure Gallery, I thought they’d have a better sense of humor about practical jokes. Admittedly, my joke would have been more apropos at Mooney’s.

The Guinness is great! A very nice pour. It doesn’t beat out Celtic Crossing over in Prescott but it’s a close second. The place is small and otherwise doesn’t have much going for it, atmosphere wise. There is a little area set in the rocks for outdoor seating. Those tables have a nice view, looking northwest over Sedona. I saw an awning off the side of the building and thought there was another outside area but, as it turned out it was just an area for the air conditioners.

What are the owners thinking? Here’s your party place, peeps. Do I have to do everything? You could even have stairs from the above area to the tables below. Heavy drinking and steep stairs go together like peanut butter and jelly…for those allergic to peanuts. Get to work on that project now. I don’t care if you have to push the business upstairs out. Don’t bother me with the details, just make it so.

When the fish and chips arrived that’s when this place lost serious points. The fish was uninspired, of course it was dead, which might account for that. The chips were not chips, they were fries and soggy ones at that. The whole “entrée” was served in a plastic Chinese food take out container. It came with a $12.50 price tag. That’s actually not bad for Sedona; some places charge you more than that for the pickle. The “meal” came with two lemons, no ketchup, no tartar sauce, and I got the feeling if I asked for malt vinegar I would get a blank stare. So, of course, I asked, “Do you have any malt vinegar?” See above for response.

Actually, they had some, but only for the purpose of wrecking that last joke. Bastards! You don’t need malt vinegar for soggy fries, but now I must go through the ritual of making these sad little potato strips even soggier—while smiling blankly at the waitress who brought me the malt vinegar. Yum. Maybe I’ve invented something, Slush Puppies.

I still rate this place highly for the sole fact they have a good Guinness on tap, making them an Irish oasis in an otherwise stoutless desert.

At right is a hiking trail I found in Sedona. It leads from the Irish pub all the way to the Elote Café next door. I have made the journey myself down the flat, nearly 20 yard arduous schlep through an arid and unforgiving land. That’s my kind of hiking trail! Oh, and to the left of Mooney’s there’s the Javelina Cantina, a place with decent—and by Sedona standards, affordable—Mexican food. It has an outdoor area and a cool bar inside.

At left is the view from inside the cantina. Unfortunately, there’s only Oak Creek Amber and Dos Equis worth drinking on tap. They could clearly use a tap line upgrade, but overall a nice joint. Wait, no WI-FI! Forget everything I said; the place sucks.

Mooney’s makes this little pocket of shops worth the stop. I have driven past this complex on a number of occasions and if not for the new Guinness umbrella, I’d have kept right on driving. Well, my Guinness is kicked and it’s time to check out the nearby Elote Café. I have a long journey ahead. Almost 20 yards of dusty desert terrain lies between me and my next pint. If necessary, I will set up a base camp at the edge of the Elote parking lot. Looks like I might have time to drop my pants in front of the Exposure Gallery one last time. Wish me luck.

by Mick Zano • March 29, 2011

Neocons to Defund NPR to Raise Funds to Bomb Syria

Washington, DC—With the funds saved from no longer supporting National Public Radio, Republicans plan to bomb a number of, as yet to be determined, middle eastern countries.

“This is both doable and advisable,” said Fox News contributor Charles Krauthammer.

The right wing of the right wing is suggesting President Obama pay for U.S. involvement in Libya by ending funding for a program that feeds and houses homeless veterans. For phase two of the project, Republicans hope to slash funds from NPR and bomb Syria, or some such Muslim country deemed a nuisance.

“He needs to start listening to the voice of fiscal reason,” said GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich.

When it was pointed out how defunding NPR and homeless veterans’ benefits would only account for less than 1% of the current war effort, still only in its second week, Gingrich countered with, “We have different graphs based on non-Euclidian geometry.”

When asked to explain what that meant, Gingrich, a graduate of the Michele Bachmann School of Spurious Statistics, invited America to see for themselves how wars don’t increase deficits. This is accomplished through a powerful republican spawned pseudo-math (PRSPM).

Many on the right are enthusiastic about a return to an America on the offensive.

“Defunding NPR is win-win,” added former ambassador John Bolton. “Less liberal slant and less Muslims, that’s two for two in my book.”

The Republicans master plan is to borrow more yen from Japan, oh shit, borrow more yuan from China…umm, their plan is to borrow more money from somebody and then bomb our way back to economic and military supremacy.

by The Crank • March 28, 2011

So here we go. The newest video game is titled “Rich Assholes Battle Rich Assholes II.” Only it ain’t a game and WE, the sports minded public, are the ultimate losers. The economy is so far down ‘le crappeurre that even the Roto-Rooter guy has given up. We have a Pres that picks his experts like Bristol Palin picks boyfriends. We are now in THREE fucking wars, doing well enough in each to make Nam look like a swell idea. We are all doing more with less, which is why I now have a word count limit—or at least that’s what Winslow is telling me.

So what do the team owners and the players do? They hold a juvenile pissing match. And we, the public, are the recipients of said golden hosing. Are they THAT stupid that they think either side can garner public support? No, they aren’t, they just don’t give a shit. They all think that “it” will go on forever, like the Europeans thought about their way of life. And, like the Europeans, they have just run out of “other people’s money.”

Teams have become a thing of the past. Each new team member used to go in wanting to help the team win the championship. Now, they go in wanting to know how long they will have to wait to start their own reality show. How do you justify a ten year contract on a player that will, at best, earn the money for three or four years? Stu-fucking-pidity, that’s how. And, as for stupidity, the Discord staff is the authority in that area, I can assure you.

No one can really afford a ticket anymore. Yeah, let’s go to a game we have to borrow $ to see, buy crap food we will pay exorbitant prices for, and wash it down with lousy beer. Yeah, that’s the ticket. How about renaming it the 7^th inning retch? The Yankees found out the hard way with the opening of the ‘New’ Yankee Stadium that you can put any price you want on a seat, but unless you want someone’s smelly food eatin/beer drinkin/fart layin ass in it, you had better make it affordable.

I will put it to them as clearly as possible, if there is or if there is not a football game on opening day, regardless, if the seat prices and TV rights have gone up like crazy, the game will never recover, period. This is a lose/lose sichiashun, here fellas. We The People have all had it up to our collective olfactory with the whole lot of you overpaid Prim donna Neanderthals.

Here’s my own NFL Special Comment:

A notice to all team owners & players, hear ye, hear ye: you are all past triple overtime in your 15 minutes of fame. If the NFL fat lady isn’t singing, she’s pushing her way to the podium. Christine Aguilera was channeling something when she announced before the last Super Bowl, “the twilight’s last reaming.” Nicely put, girlfriend. Don’t go away mad, just tuck yo tails ‘tween yo cheeks and settle this shit, or, well, GTFO…

by Mick Zano • March 27, 2011

An ideological curse that spreads from headline to headline

by Pierce Winslow • March 26, 2011

Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less

Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks. We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of individuals across the globe.

If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza. So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious! The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.

As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence. It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN. Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something. We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.

We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke. Live and learn.

Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend. Or, as he puts it, “Shit happens, bitches.”

We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots. Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything. And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.