Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

by Mick Zano • May 3, 2011

London, UK—The Royal Family is denying allegations the backup plan for the happy couple’s big day involved a Las Vegas chapel wedding. A WikiLeaks document reveals the alternative ceremony involved an Elvis impersonator performing the nuptials, and the entertainment included two members from the Blue Man Group, Penn, of Penn and Teller fame, as well as the tiger that ate Roy.

The top secret document reveals a list of pros and cons to holding the wedding covertly in Vegas without media coverage. Some of the pros included: Item 27: save enough cash to send 20,000 of our citizens to college, Item 35: If Prince Harry drops his pants, less of an audience, Item 56: That Cuban sandwich place north of the Stratosphere. Item 112: the money saved on security alone would be enough to send the entire Royal Family into space on one of Richard Branson’s new spaceships. Under the cons column were nearly as many entries: Item 12: parking is a bitch, Item 161: the shilling would not work in a massage bed, and Item 30: the next morning Prince Harry might be married to one of the Blue Man Group.

Less security was also a plus as Prince William would have been disguised as Hunter S. Thompson and Kate Middleton planned to dress as Snooki. The overnight accommodations were at the luxurious Vegas Chalet Motel. The motel “package” came complete with the aforementioned coin operated massaging beds and a complimentary mojito at nearby Frankies Tiki Room (a favorite destination of “Vegas Great” Bald Tony).

“The mojito almost won the day,” admitted Queen Elizabeth. “I mean, we never considered Vegas.”

by Mick Zano • May 2, 2011

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television. You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks. May I kiss your rings?

Sean Hannity: Small talk. Blah, blah, blah [Mick’s request to kiss his rings, denied]

Mick Zano: As a self proclaimed patriotic American, will you apologize to the American people for playing such a key role in getting Bush re-elected—a man arguably the worst president in our nation’s history?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point! Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano:I will ‘get over it’, sir, if and when America rebounds. Why stop blaming Bush, especially if we, as a country, never recover—which has been my position and my prediction all along?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: Ahh, Obama’s spending…riiight. What do you say then to the actual numbers that suggest over the last few decades republicans were deficit creators and pre-Obama democrats were actually deficit reducers?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: OK, Obama’s spending…what about the almost unanimous agreement within the economic community Obama’s deficit spending was a desperate reaction to avoid the Bush depression?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah. Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: Actually the problem is too deep to be resolved by just spending cuts or just tax hikes. Cutting things equitably and responsibly across the board and letting the Bush tax cuts expire for the rich could do the trick.

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point [with added gesticulation].

Mick Zano: No, I don’t think a return to 90s level tax cuts should not scare anyone. You need to come to terms with the facts. Before Clinton, hell, even Reagan had to raise taxes.

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point!!!!!

Mick Zano: Do you need some water? Look, no matter how many times you lie about this, sorry, he raised taxes. Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan so how you deified this bozo is another interesting side show (or was it Bonzo?). Look, let’s agree to disagree on this one. How about socialism? How do you still say that word to your viewers with a straight face?

Sean Hannity: ?????

Mick Zano: Well, you’ve made socialism the boogeyman for the ill-informed (aka your viewers) for quite some time. We currently have wage-inequality in the U.S. on par with Mexico or Venezuela. So today, right now, we have the complete opposite of socialism, so how do you convince essentially half of America Obama’s a full-fledged and successful socialist? Boogey, boogey, boogey!

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point! Blah, blah, blah!

Mick Zano: Let me address your second statement first, I call your viewers ill-informed primarily due to a decade of self observation. It boils down to this, when questioned, it’s their almost single-minded Borg-like ability to spout only Fox News talking points I find most disturbing. If that’s not enough, I could also cite the recent Maryland study that named Fox viewers as the most misinformed media faction in America. As for your first point, I don’t think that statement has any bearing in the real world. You are operating from a bubble of non-reality I like to call the Neococoon.

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: True, MSNBC viewers were mentioned in the study as well and were a distant second on the misinformation scale. I have been disappointed in MSNBC’s decision to follow your lead down this dark road—and I have covered this numerous times here at the Discord. But let’s face it, they’re minor leaguers compared to Fox.

Let’s agree to disagree and move on.org. Global warming…after listening to you over the years, I feel you have only a rudimentary understanding of Earth , at best. Bottom line, why are all clean energy initiatives demonized by the Foxeteers?

Sean Hannity: Fox talking point.

Mick Zano: I would agree with that statement; there is much we still do not know about earth cycles, but why would you side with the minority of scientists on this issue? Especially when the inhabitability of our world is potentially at stake?

Sean Hannity: ?????

Mick Zano: Inhabitability, in this context, refers to the planet’s inability to sustain life.

Sean Hannity: Fox talking point!

Mick Zano: Again, that is not based on this reality, which brings up my next point. How about the continued dumbing down of Republicans at a faster rate than any other faction? For instance, how do you back a Bachmann candidacy with a straight face? Or now maybe even a Trump candidacy?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: Well, it clearly ties into your mantra smart people are wrong about everything and dumb people are right about everything. I see this as a ‘Bush wasn’t dumb enough, so let’s try this even bigger moron’ approach to fixing America, or, as I have referred to it, the ‘doubling down on stupid’ strategy. Case in point, nearly half the country at one time supported a Palin candidacy. Isn’t this more of an indication of our failing educational system than anything else?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: You’re serious? You think I have been duped by the mainstream media into thinking Palin and Bachmann are idiots? So it’s not when, say, during some Hannity interview, they string words into what can loosely be described as complete sentences—it’s not that these interviews typically leave me scratching my head and/or nauseous…it has nothing to do with that? You’re saying somehow these feelings are being projected upon me by MSNBC and the Huffington Post? Hmmm. Nope, I think they’re idiots.

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: You seem very sure of yourself lately. There’s a gleam in your eye as we approach the coming collapse. So you had no warning for us as we drove this country into a brick wall and now, post the collapse, you are gloating as Obama, an American president, struggles to right this country. Is that really patriotism? How do you look at yourself as anything but a shortsighted partisan hack?

Sean Hannity: Empty patriotic nonsense followed by a Fox News talking point medley [oh, and lots of these: !!!!!]

Mick Zano: I don’t see how you feel vindicated just because the new guy hasn’t been able to clean up after your guy. I guess what I’m saying is, that hardly sounds like a clarion call for all fiscal conservatives to rally around.

Sean Hannity: ?????

Mick Zano: In this context, clarion call means… never mind. Look, I believe today’s republicans (and I do distinguish them from the party of twenty years ago—when they had valid points that related to the real world)…again, today’s republicans can now be broken down into three major categories: 1.) those who are greedy, intentionally misinforming America for what they see as potential economic gain, 2.) those who are not horribly bright and have fallen prey to the endless propaganda on Fox News, and 3.) those hiding until a party emerges that does not embarrass the shit out of them.

You, Mr. Hannity, obviously do not reside in category 3.) so, bottom line, are you greedy or are you stupid?

[disruption, some yelling]

Mick Zano: Would you still consider me for your Great American Panel! I used to be a Long Islander too! Please…can I kiss your rings!

Apparently this interview is over. We learned a lot today from Mr. Hannity and the inner workings of what can loosely be described as his “mind.” Stay tuned next week when I interview Professor Stephen Hawking on that illusive stuff known as dark matter…er, but without the aid of his voice synthesizer. It was apparently sucked into an inter-dimensional rift during one of his last experiments. We’ll muddle through, so until next time.

by Mick Zano • May 1, 2011

Pope John Paul II's Body Exhumed for Beatification

Yep, a relevant rerun

by Mick Zano • April 30, 2011

Orcs Vying to Overthrow Sauron through Social Sites

Middle Earth—Inspired by the Middle East, the Middle-Earth prepared to deal Sauron, the Dark Lord, a wicked blow by organizing an adversarial Meetup group at the Orcs’ Lodge in Lower Mordor.

Unfortunately for the orc uprising, Sauron monitors all online transmissions. Big wizard is watching! In retaliation, the sorcerer sent a devastating shockwave from the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr earlier today with fatal consequences. The bulk of the energy was directed at the Orcs’ Lodge—the blast arrived amidst the Meetup group, disrupting further meaningful online discussion. Witnesses claim the explosion was felt as far West as Minas Tirith and rattled the flagons as far east as the Scrotum & Mallet deep in the crevice of the Grey Mountains. The thaumic burst killed an estimated 1,700 orcs and scattered tens of thousands more of the unsavory creatures throughout Middle-Earth.

Despite the setback for the rebellion, the orc general, Gothmog, is holding out hope that his Twitter account could organize the disenchanted forces of evil much faster.

“Twitter will bring the Dark Lord to his knees! Besides, I got 27 more followers last week and one of them even knows a cave troll who sympathizes with our cause.”

Gothmog has now been focusing his energies on Tweeting the Goblins over in the Mines of Moria and plans to Meetup with them very soon.

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 29, 2011

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out. I read this passage somewhere: “I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence.” I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience. Do you care to comment? Do you know what it might mean?

Vern

Vernon, NJ

Hey Vern,

Vern from Vernon? Really? Sure I am erudic, phonetically. Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite. But I know the quote of which you speak. I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods. Obviously the “fountain bubbling with life” is reference to an ancient CO₂ tap system of some type. “Language is not able to reveal this” translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas. “For the entire 8^th” is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8^th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path. Once the aspirant chugs the 8^th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off. I’m sure it’s one of the two.

by Bald Tony • April 28, 2011

(For full effect please read in a good Sean Connery voice, or a lousy Mel Gibson voice.) Many people think Las Vegas is just hookers, Cirque du Soleil, casinos, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Sure, those things are thankfully prevalent, but there are also many festivals in the Las Vegas Valley (and on any given weekend Zano has been thrown out of most of them). I have attended the San Genarro Festival several times, the Greek Festival VII times, and I especially enjoyed getting leid multiple times at the Aloha Festival. But until a couple of weeks ago I had always missed the Celtic Gathering & Highland Games.

This annual gathering celebrates Scottish, Irish, and English tradition over two days, in the spectacular cloudless 90°, regionally apropos, Mojave Desert. The event is held at Floyd Lamb State Park at Tule Springs, one of the few natural areas I had yet to visit in my nearly 15 years here. The park has quite the history and could make for another Discord article on its own, but since the Discord does not pay well (at all), and has lousy co-workers (see contributor list), I simply recommend researching the place when you have the time.

Many Celtic festival attendees dress in traditional garb, just like you would see at any Renaissance Festival, and yes, I have attended the LV Renn Fest as well, but I opted for sneakers, jean shorts, and a T-Shirt. I would say my kilt wearing days are behind me, but I I never actually had any kilt wearing days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Walking the festival is not a huge deal, but can take the whole day as there is so much to see. There are dozens of vendors selling everything from Celtic clothing to Celtic literature to Celtic cookies, and each of those vendors is a different “clan”. For example Clan Shaman would sell Celtic medical marijuana, Clan Bone would sell Celtic crawdads…you get the idea. There are several Celtic musical acts as well, and I now have a new favorite band name – The Wicked Tinkers! There is also an abundance of food, both the Celtic kind and regular American fair fare. One of the more impressive was the ice cream booth because the ice cream was made the Olde World method, by throwing a snowball at the face of a person eating candy. In this case, the ice cream was created by a steam powered John Deere contraption from the early 20th century. My diet has changed a bit since my visit here, so I opted for the veggie burger and lemonade. That was a good choice as the lass who took my order was right out of Celtic Maxim. Another highlight is the heavy athletic competitions. The Scots had to be drunk to invent these games!

For any given event, at this fine fest, you will find Highlander and Braveheart emasculating one another. Let the games begin:

The Horn of Boromir

Unfortunately shortly after the above picture was taken, the horn blower was riddled with orc arrows and collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

Above picture depicts several bagpipers belting out Amazing Grace, while on the far side of the field a replica of Spock’s coffin was shot into space.

Here in the above picture we see all types of surreal food items and Scottish delicacies. Yes, that is an oxymoron. Notice there is Haggis, marinated for your enjoyment. And I thought only Dumbledore died in the Harry Potter series.

Zano and the Shaman people were well represented

Despite the fact the Zano and the Shaman did not make this trip, their people were well represented.

And here we see a manly Celtic game wherein the participant must tear off the hook arm of Captain Hook, hurl it into the air and catch it with the tip of his penis. Also, notice the other game in background wherein the participant holds a telephone pole to his crotch with the hopes of running up behind the hook thrower and stealing his glory. In the ancient version the opponent had to catch the telephone pole with the tip of his penis.

The event is two days long in order to accommodate as many people as possible, though one day is sufficient to see everything. If you are in Zano territory there will be another one soon, and I pray Zano’s kilt wearing days are really behind him, not that there’s…. in this case there really is something wrong with that.

If you go you will have a wonderful time, just remember not to drive home on the left side of the road. Luckily Nationwide is on my side…whatever side of the road that may be.

by Mick Zano • April 27, 2011

This “degree” was on my therapist’s wall

by Mick Zano • April 26, 2011

FAA Bans Booze for Controllers, Recliners on Probation

Washington, DC—After several air traffic controllers have recently fallen asleep on the job, FAA head, Randal Babbitt, has set some ground rules for all of our nation’s control towers.

“No longer will alcohol or other depressants be consumed or ingested during shift parties,” stated Babbitt. “All comfy pillows, alcohol, and products containing sedating hypnotics have been confiscated and consumed at one of my house parties.”

Whereas lounge chairs and recliners remain permissible, the new policy demands they must face the windows and the control panels. However, Babbitt warned his staff on Monday, “One more ‘incident’ and they’re gone too, bitches.”

When asked if he felt his measures were too extreme, Babbitt replied, “I think when several hundred people are landing in a plane, I demand at least some of our controllers are alert enough to land the fuckers safely.”

Babbitt understands he needs to balance the dangers of exhaustion with the fact the job is “insanely boring, especially at some of our more rural airports.” Hookers and certain types of wild parties remain permissible, because, “Things like that will actually help keep them up,” added Babbitt. “Pardon the pun.”

When asked about issuing stimulants like crack cocaine or methamphetamine to avoid falling asleep on the job, Babbitt said, “I don’t want to fully endorse such substances at this time—at least not professionally. Such stimulants have their place, like jammed up the ass of an international drug smuggler, but I don’t want them in my control towers, unless someone has to work a double.”

by Mick Zano • April 25, 2011

Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ

Prescott, AZ—This article has been a long time in the drinking. I have several crib notes on this place that have since been completely lost, which is a compliment to the establishment. I found Celtic Crossings a couple of years ago and now it has become one of my favorite Arizona Irish pubs. In fact, this pub changed my life…just not for the better.

How did it I find it, you ask? Well, therein hangs the tale. The girls and I were shopping one day at the Gateway Mall in Prescott, which is one of the coolest malls EVER. This is one mall where I could learn to become a mall rat. There’s an outdoor section with a Wildflower Bread Company, Makaros, as well as the aforementioned Celtic Crossings—all right across from a Barnes and Noble. Too bad they banned me. For the record, I think you should be able to trip your balls off, naked, in the New Age section…but that’s just me. Besides, they should never have good pubs too close to good book stores; it’s a dangerous combo.

Back to the pub: so we’re doing some Christmas shopping and everyone wanted to eat.

“Let’s eat somewhere here,” my wife said.

And, I quickly countered with, “Ahhh, we’re a few miles from downtown Prescott, a town where I have a number of ‘happy places.’” I decided to counter with this: “Sure this is a very cool mall, but…no, two words ‘downtown.’”

My wife walked over to the directory and said, “Look honey, there’s an Irish pub right here in the mall.”

“Wow, what will they think of next?”

I have been to my share of mall bars and, by that I mean, I’ve walked into many a dark rectangular-shaped hell hole. You know them as those places where men sit in a shopper’s purgatory, waiting for their women to finish off their credit history. They sit there sadly sipping at any number of overpriced Budweiser products while contemplating suicide, or worse. Sorry, experiencing 17,000 of these poorly-lit Bud Light shitholes have jaded my opinion. Sure, shitty mall joints serve their purpose, but after thousands…fool me a lot shame on you, fool me twi…we won’t get fooled again!

Back to the story, so my wife wants to eat at the mall. She’s a cheap date, which is why I married her, but still not wanting to concede, I resorted to “bu-bu-but the Raven, and Prescott Brewing Co. and that place that still lets me in…”

This battle I thankfully lost as they were hungry and I was outvoted 2 to 1. So we entered Celtic Crossings, a place destined to become one of my favorite AZ pubs. I recently did a story on Mooney’s Irish Pub, which has a very good Guinness on tap, but the gold star standard goes to this joint. Great Irish tunes are always playing, there’s an outdoor area, and the fish and chips are the best in AZ, hands down.

The place has no business being this good, in a mall

Gary, the owner, is doing the thing he
was born to do… “wait on me.”

The owner, Gary, is serious about beer. I usually talk to Dave, the owner’s son, who is not beyond wearing a kilt on any given Tuesday.

Your 10^th Guinness is on the house at the Crossings, but I have had little luck on any of these card bunch freebies south of Flagstaff. Between Flag and Prescott (exit 262 on 17) stood Over the Hill Espresso. To commemorate my 10^th Americano there, the placed closed. I still have the completely punched card and sometimes I gaze upon it and weep. My 10^th Guinness at this bar ended no differently. Did I mention the place is 90 miles from my home? My 10^th pint anniversary happened to fall on my father’s first trip to Celtic Crossings. He treated all of us to food and drink, so the freebie went all but unnoticed when the bill came. In fact, he tipped an extra five spot just to rub it in.

If you ever find the women folk shopping in Prescott, let them shop…I have a plan.

by Mick Zano • April 24, 2011

Eden Trial WikiLeaks Dump Revelation! Not to be Confused with Revelations

“I’m tellin’ ya, boss, the bitch gave me the apple”

by Mick Zano • April 23, 2011

National Safety Council to Discontinue CPR on Grounds it’s "Too Gross"

Washington, DC—The National Safety Council (NSC) has announced its intention to discontinue CPR as a life saving technique.

Dr. Bill Lynn, an NSC spokesperson, said, “I was an EMT and, I can tell you, putting your lips over some fat dying slob is awful. The damn thing never worked anyway.”

Dr. Lynn prefers the Hollywood Method wherein you slam the chest a few times and then yell “Why, God why?!” up to the heavens, preferably with balled fists.

“The results are about the same,” claims Lynn. “Besides, I never liked CPR, except maybe Bad Moon Rising.”

Lynn believes all of the CPR dummies can be shifted seamlessly into state representative roles.

The NSC is now asking all hospitals to cease trying to revive heart attack victims and, instead, just go through their pockets for loose change. The council was apparently inspired by “watching the Princess Bride, drunk, the other night.”

“If you revive them then you have to pay for them,” said an anonymous hospital administrator. “No CPR = less hassle and less paperwork. It’s about staying open during tough economic times. We need to think about the taxpayer…and my pension. And, as mortals, aren’t we just prolonging the inevitable?”

When asked about the Hippocratic Oath, he said, “Who sent you?” and then proceeded to climb out of a nearby window.

Our own, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Mortuary, chimed in, “Hippocratic Oath? What do those Greek pussies know? Hermes flew around in his underpants for Gods’ sake. I hate those guys. When we have to shove blood through your system manually, aren’t we just enabling? They’re dead beats…literally. Do it yourself, damn it! If you don’t have the motivation to keep your own heart beating, don’t come bitching to me when you croak.”

When asked about his credentials. Dr. Hogbein asked, “Who sent you?” and proceeded to climb out of a nearby window.

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 22, 2011

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night. I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form. I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA

Dear Dave,

What you call “taking a header” I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me. I am banned from Kimball’s. Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there? If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

by The Crank • April 21, 2011

The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready

One day in the late sixties, Carroll Shelby tried talking Bill Cosby into buying one of his Cobra Super Snake sports cars. For those who remember Cosby’s recording of “200 Miles an Hour,” he wanted a car that does 200 mph to get to work. But, after just one ride, he handed back the keys—suggesting this would be better in the hands of a George Wallace, or a Buzz Aldrin, or a Starbuck of Galactica fame. The car was resold to a gentleman who promptly killed himself shortly thereafter. It was not a car to be taken lightly. The new CTS-V wagon is also not to be taken lightly.

While looking like a cute little grocery retriever, it is nothing of the sort…unless you are Darth Vader, or unless your grocery store is on Mars. So this fat Crankster was bullshitted into driving one at the local dealer, and let me tell you, getting back into my pickup was the hardest thing I have ever done…especially with the erection. If you must know, it lasted so long I had to notify my doctor.

Just to make things clear, it had me at the exhaust note. Everything from there was gravy. What a sound! Any motorhead hears it as his eyes half close like any opiate addict on the ‘good stuff.’ I had a stupid grin on my face, head tilted back, and that noticeable bulge in my nether regions. Ask your doctor if the ‘good sound’ is right for you.

Stick those fart cans up yo’ asses boys, THIS is da sound…

Now, to be perfectly honest, if given all the funding, I would still not buy this car. Why? The Recaro racing seat option. The poor folks at this dealership had to call 911, because I needed the Jaws of Life to be surgically removed from said vehicle.

Caddy-1, Fatman-0

But for the consolation prize, did I mention the erection?

Using a supercharged version of the Corvette engine, this beast will tear you a new one when you put your foot down. Oh yeah, and do so gingerly, the rectum you save may be your own…oh, and your rear tires will last microseconds.

Its competition style brakes will bring you to a stop about as fast as your brains can leave through your nose. Hey, but the handy part is all gray matter will end up in a nifty little storage area on the console! Very handy. They’ve thought of everything!

Transmission? If you’re a real man, it’s a six speed manual and, if you’re a Zano, an auto is available.

With every creature comfort known to man, it’s still a Caddy in every sense of the word. With the exception of the ‘floaty boat’ aspect, it corners like it’s on rails. If you go food shopping for Mexican, just buy the ingredients for your burritos and with a brisk ride in the back wagon area and voila…it’s Messy MexiCaddy Night damnit!

Way back when, Bill Crosby was right; there truly is no reason to build or buy this beasty, but we terminal gearheads are glad it exists just the same. It’s like thinking of screwing Sarah Palin. You know she’s a loon and her voice would decalcify your spinal column, but you would anyway…it’s kind of like that.

Thank god, I’m finally losing the erection…

Ah shit, there it goes again.

The Crank

by Mick Zano • April 20, 2011

For some piece of mime

by Mick Zano • April 19, 2011

The Garbage Gestapo Have Come to Mayberry

Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes. These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips. These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!

Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture! Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step. Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society? Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls.

“We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic,” said Megan Forrester of N.U.T. Counseling.

Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.

Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath.

by Mick Zano • April 18, 2011

Why I Despise Netflix and Want My Old Video Store Back

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old fashioned video store. Currently there are over 13,000 movies in my queue over on Netflix and, invariably, on any given Saturday night, none of my choices are in the mailbox. Whew, good thing I’m out drinking on Saturday nights.

Before I start pummeling on Netflix, I have to say I do enjoy the free play option. Sure, it has cut down on my reading, my meditating, and my thinking, but at least I can now say I’ve seen every episode of Will & Grace. Heck, a few more years of this and I might even vote republican. Having said all those positive things about Netflix, here’s why I despise the thing:

Unless you know exactly what movie you are looking for, you may never find it. There is no feature to search all films in a given genre. You can’t search horror and scroll through everything they have. You can only look through the “popular” models, deemed worthy by the masses. So unless you know the title and enter into the search option, you are shit out of Lucky Fritz (2009) NR.
And did any of you realize Netflix jumped from $16.99 a month to $19.99 a month in January? I don’t think, with all the dipshit they send me, I was ever notified of this hike. Oh wait, here’s the email from 12.21.2010. Let us know if Zoolander arrived. Oh, and don’t forget to rate Godzilla vs. Mothra.
They also have this “Suggestions for you” feature, which doesn’t really work out all that well with my wife and my daughter adding to the mix. So, I’ll choose the genre Horror. I get,” based on your own ratings, here’s our best guess at some selections you might like: Twilight, Saw, and Scooby Doo: Pirates Ahoy!”
Perhaps the most insidious Netflix feature is how you can bump any movie up to the front of the cache. This is akin to those new jukeboxes where you can spend an extra 50 cents to bump your selection to the front of the line—to the chagrin of all those other folks waiting all night to hear Sweet Home Alabama. This feature breeds ill-will toward our fellow drunken man. At times this triggers a kind of bump-war, where people return time and time again to the jukebox, pay that extra damn 50 cents, to gyp their fellow bar goer. There are no winners in this game (except the jukebox), only losers.

“Why is daddy in jail, mommy?”

“Well, this guy kept bumping Sweet Home Alabama for some Phil Collins song. Your father hates Phil Collins and the rest is on the police report.”

I was in a bar once and…I’m kidding, I’ve never been in a bar just once. Anyway, I was in this bar where the jukebox shut down at 1:45AM, cutting off a number of people who never got to hear their songs because of this bump feature spawned by Satan (BFSS). BFSS…we don’t make the jukebox, we added the feature where you can screw up your friends selection.

And in that other awful jukebox war I never did get to hear that Monkees’ song. On a related note, I am no longer a believer. And there are no Jukebox Heroes anymore.

Sorry for the tangent, but a similar phenomenon now occurs in my Netflix cache. My wife bumps the first season of Twilight over my choice, my daughter then bumps my wife’s selection for Saw, ad infinitum. At this rate, I may never get to see Scooby Doo: Pirates Ahoy!

The video store is gone, and the only alternative, besides Netflix type shit, is the evil machine box thingie at the front of the grocery store. Have you seen these? They represent a nearly complete selection of every modern movie I would never want to see and every obscure movie that I would never want to see. Just approaching those things makes me feel a little queasy.

In the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn, “I say, I say there’s something kind of aewwueuieeee about a grocery store video machine.”

What are you supposed to do when your friends come in for the weekend and you want to have Scooby Doo: Pirates Ahoy! on hand? Sure I own it, so that’s a bad example, but what if I didn’t? That’s my point. Damn these new-fangled soulless gadgets!

by Mick Zano • April 17, 2011

Despite Extreme Cosmetic Gesture, Aflac Refusing to Rehire Gottfried

by Mick Zano • April 16, 2011

Trump’s Hairdresser Calling for Exploratory Committee

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, “If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!”

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, “If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?”

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, “Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?”

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 15, 2011

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.

Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7^th and 8^th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness.

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old “get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches” workshop. This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only) Shaman