You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial “medicinal” effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics.  It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up.  We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

When the conversation turned to Mexico, I should have just mumbled with a fork full of red drippy deliciousness…just keep smiling and nodding like the stupid friggin’ redneck they all think ah is. I guess every family has their black sheep, and I am theirs—only in the form of a beige gorilla. So the conversation went like this…I happened to mention that, no, we did not “take” all the southeast U.S. from Mexico. Arizona was taken from the Apaches, not Mexico. Mexico wanted the area for themselves only after they realized it was beneficial to them.

I had been taught that there were no Mexican settlements anywhere in northern and central Arizona or New Mexico, only white settlers, a few black ones, and some Jewish Indians. Oh wait, that was a Mel Brooks movie. Sorry. Anyway, the same was true in Texas. We settled it when there were little to no Mexican settlements in Texas. Santa Anna wanted to tax the settlers, period. They dint nid no steenkeen badges, but a crap load of U.S. cash would work.  We did win the war, and Texas was ours. Mexico agreed that most of the land was ours, duh, with the exception of about 30,000 square miles of southern Arizona and New Mexico that actually had some Mexican settlements on it.

What part of southern Arizona and southern New Mexico we did “take” from Mexico, I said, we paid for. I said that Santa Anna was broke, and we PAID him, in GOLD, 10 million dollars worth for it after meeting him at a pawn shop in Mesa.  We gave him roughly 33¢per acre. Even The Donald would be proud.

Now here is the part I loved the most. After my little diatribe was done, I got looked at weirdly, and then I was actually asked what alien form of American History had I studied-chuckle-chuckle-snicker-snicker. I then mentioned that there is a plaque near my home at a line across southern Arizona on a map, saying it was ‘The Gadsden Purchase” etc etc. They (including a friggin school teacher) hadn’t a clue. Crickets…………….

I guess it was my imagination. I love being told I’m wrong, laughed at, then another dinner companion states “He still doesn’t get it, when will he see…” followed by the glassy-eyed stare, and “maybe we can get our own country.” I understand they are trying to do just that in Tucson. I can help you move. I have a truck.

By now, I wish I had ordered the something a much lighter. I was starting to taste bites I had eaten an hour ago. It was the reflux diet plan kicking in again.  And, let’s not forget, all this organic Italian food comes only with Pepsi…no Coke-eh, Pepsi. I was screwed from the get go. I mean grief, bullshit, attitude, smugness, all things I put up with regularly, and with a smile, I might add…but NO COKE? That’s where I draw the line.

My other familial liberal, Mikko, as most libs do, uses statistics whenever we say anything positive about Conservatism. Mark Twain had a quote he used, a quote he said came from the Brit Benjamin Disraeli:

“There are three types of lies: Lies, Damn lies, and statistics.”

Mikko also uses half truths a lot. Yes, there was one lawsuit that Acorn did win, in one of the most liberal courts in the country. However, they are still in the middle of suits all over the country that will not be settled for years. And it still does not change what their mission is, and was. You can ignore the likes of Acorn and the S.E.I.U.; I choose not to.

You Liberals, if you do wish to survive, have to realize you must stop insulting the rest of us. At some point in the near future, we will have had about enough of you, as Kirk did with Commander Kruge in The Search for Another Sequel. I’m sure I can make a sauce that goes with liberal. Most of you have forgotten just what the word ‘liberal’ means. Liberals have become closed-minded elitists that want to curtail free speech when it doesn’t align with their thinking. They call it ‘hate speech’ or ‘racism’. They are not above slinging mud in a way that makes Republicans look positively amateurish. And, when all else fails, as it does most times with Mikko, they blame Bush. “Bush did something like that at some point in the past, so all of you arguments are invalid.” No, not in real life.

The way I now look at it, if youse guys want to live in your own little rosy world, laughing at the stupid people, by all means, do so. I only wish I could too. The problem? Someone has to give a fuck. And, someone has to pay for it all. That would be us. In reality, if a Sarah Palin, a Rand Paul or a The Donald Trump does become President someday, it will be blood on your hands, my liberal friends. We would have taken all we could stand and will elect someone who you hate most. It is your choice, but paybacks are a bitch.

Note for the future: only meet with family for coffee. But on the bright side, I wonder if I could ‘bring-up’ a cannolli after it was eaten…

Mmmmmmmm, regurgitated cannollis.

The “burrrp” Crank

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

My platform will be one of openness and will be available to my constituency, at least the cute ones, any time.  Goal number one will be to attack the deficit.  But this war on the deficit will be primarily a police action, handled mostly through intelligence agencies and targeted predator drone strikes.  On the deficit home-front a national lottery will be created—a big assed one—not like that three-state Powerball dipshit.  The proceeds made will be used to eliminate the budget deficit.  Best of all we will not need to pay money out to any of the winners, they will be paid with time.  Jenna Jamison has volunteered time with any of the male winners.  Female winners will be blessed with a few hours of yours truly (oh, and all the homely ones are to report to Mick Zano). 

The energy crisis and child obesity will be my next attack.  All fat children, in order to play video games, will have to pedal a bike to make the energy to run said game.  All extra energy will be used to offset energy usage.  To further incentivize the peddling, maybe the zombies in the video games should be real.  Lazy kids should probably stick to reading instead.  Our children will either be smart, fit, or eaten by zombies, all the while solving our energy crisis.   I was even thinking of ‘a zombie in every pot’ for my slogan. 

These brilliant, yet simple, ideas are just the beginning.  This country will not know what hit it, besides recessions, tornadoes, and Tea Party rallies.  My presidency will signify the dawn of a new enlightened age for mankind…or the Mayan shit’s going to happen.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Dave Atsals

Egotistical, moi? When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed. Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed! Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now. But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions.

Fox is never having to think about your last post. The ‘selective outrage’ machine will find some other rapper at the White House or community organizer gone awry to bitch about. But…the other 10% of your outrage is correct and needs to be addressed. There’s important stuff in there…somewhere. But we can’t ever seem to find it through this ‘Are You Smarter than a Fox News Anchor’ approach to journalism.

I know…I’m the problem, not to be trusted. People who see through the matrix have no business addressing the necococoon at all anymore. But here’s the rub, dumb are getting dumber (R) and dumbest (the Tea Party) are becoming the loudest. And as for the just plain dumb (D), the only ones policing them would be better served in a tree somewhere flinging feces at one another. Fox & Feces? Hmmm.

Here’s a brief integral approach to two of today’s issues:

Deficits: The right should be saying:

“OK, we’ll let you raise the debt limit (because the dollar’s collapse benefits no one) but only if you agree to these stipulations about spending cuts over the long term.”

These need to be sane cuts, however. Oh, and if the right gets their way and does block the debt ceiling hike, it’s double dip time. Their own all-or-none thinking may well bring this about. Example: debt didn’t matter, at all, until…er, when was Obama’s inauguration? In this case, none-or-all thinking

Energy/Oil: Now for the left. The alternative energy debate should have started post-Carter, but greed and super-capitalism have a way of derailing anything healthy and good in the world. This is truly pathetic amidst a mass extinction. I‘m talking about the right’s brain cells…what did you think I was talking about? The left should be saying:

“Sure, you can get some of your oil shale permits and permission for new drilling locations, but only as part of a true transitional period to alternative green energies.”

The current Republican plan is to keep the status quo until the shit hits the fan belt; great plan. Neither the left nor the right will budge on this, hastening our demise. Obama needs to be tougher on this issue. The clock is ticking. And as for green energy, how the right has demonized our country’s ONLY route for survival is another testament to both their short sightedness and their propagandic abilities, kudos. You have convinced 40% of our country (in 2011) the only way to proceed is the big three: oil, coal, and nuclear. Oh, on a related note, I did my thesis on clean coal…and unicorn migrations.

Unfortunately, this Discord post project has mired us in debates we should no longer be having. I still believe Sanjaya! Look, here’s the problem, Crankster: your posts always sound well researched and the arguments are sometimes even compelling, but, at the end of the day, perhaps a year from now, we’ll discover most of your assumptions were inaccurate (hint: recently ACORN was absolved of any wrongdoing in a court of law. How many posts was that again?). Not that it mattered. Even if they were as guilty as sin, it still should have been a one and done story. But Fox News, the heart of the misinformation, made it one of the non-issues of the year. Whoo hoo!

The following is a breakdown of your average 10 Fox commentaries:

6 stories: They are pushing an ideology that is dead wrong most. They had a point, somewhere back in the fifties, but have since jumped the shark–at least that’s been their track record over the last decade. Recent example: this week Neil Cavuto defended poor old Chevron again…those poor misunderstood oil companies, all the while hitting the SPA…socialism paranoia agenda. They are always reminding us about our socialist future, when today, right now, twelve people own nearly all of the country’s wealth. What a feat! Paid for by those same twelve people.

3 stories: An average of 3 of 10 are simply “selective outrage” moments, where they choose to be really angry about something completely inane. These generally fall into three major categories:

A.) Stories that hold no interest to me (the mosque debate, birther shit, rapper with bad lyrics invited to White House, yada, yada).

B.) Problems that were actually created by Republican ideologues, but now are suddenly unacceptable under Obama (Secret Service monitoring Fox News!, czar appointments, and deficits that seem to only exist under Democrats).

C.) Simply lies (torture techniques helped capture bin Laden, Bush captured bin Laden, Obama’s a Muslim, etc).

Notice you don’t have to look back too far for the bullshit. Most of those are from this week. Meanwhile, the Crank, had two years to list the atrocities of the lame stream media and has named about as many as covered on this week’s Fox & Frauds. What’s curious is not only their ‘selective outrage’ but their ‘selective memory.’

1 story: Here’s the rub, Fox News is right for about 1 in 10 of their features. This spritzer—this glistening effervescent drizzle of actual reporting—is the gas that feeds those Crank features for months. It gives them that hint of legitimacy. Let’s take immigration reform. I agree with the Crank that we need comprehensive immigration reform and that Obama’s handling of this issue has sucked. But Obama can laugh at anything the right says, because they’ve delegitimized themselves long ago. For a healthy debate, we need a healthy right and a healthy left and today we have anything but.

Here’s my appraisal of the last four Fox News moments:

Story 1: who cares?

Story 2: who cares & has since been disproven in a court of law.

Story 3: wrong!

Story 4: Really?? Sure they don’t want to legalize pot, they must be keeping it all for themselves.

The Crank focuses on dumb and I focus on dumber. I focus on dumber because I think dumber has destroyed us. Sure dumb hasn’t helped, but the sheer list of atrocities for dumber is damning. Oh, and I can’t wait until dumbest takes control. That’ll be real swell. Did you know that dumber is in on the whole getting dumbest elected thing…are they dumbing down?

I would like to get on the same page with the Crank so we can focus on what’s going wrong, right now, but it’s hard to get past the Fox approach. It’s hard to watch their network and keep down your lunch. And at the end of the day, most stories on the right tend to be doctored, irrelevant, or fabricated. Fox News is a delicate blend of misinformation and propaganda, steeped to perfection in bullshit. Sorry, but that’s our job. Granted, they’re effective. They have convinced 40% of our country of a whole host of nonsense.

To briefly address your points from the last post, Mr.Crank:

Sorry, we are two countries now, but to call Obama the divider-in-chief is hysterical. Luckily this is a comedy site. Karl Rove ran Bush’s campaign on a polarization theme, divide and conquer, because he knew it was the only possible way to get someone as dumb as W re-elected. And we have yet to recover. As for Fareed Zakaria advising the president, he’s one of the few integral thinkers out there. The fact Obama has identified him as such is awesome. You say scary and I say whoo! hoo!…progress. Remember how safe you felt under Bush? It’s kind of like that. See my related article.

As for Reid & Pelosi’s shenanigans, you mean to tell me a politician has used his or her influence to help their own districts! Preposterous! I’m not defending it, but it’s been that way since General Washington galloped into office. This is yet another example of Stewart’s selective outrage. Where’s your vent about Republicans pulling that shit? I guarantee there’s more material on your side of the aisle. In fact, I think you’re stepping in some.

Clearly some of your valid rants involve the recent expansion of executive powers. What you fail to realize is, these were all created under Bush. I took note of them and complained about them when they were spawned (hint: when it might have mattered). But don’t worry, they will magically disappear again under the Romney Administration, with the aid of some Fox News pixy dust. Why have a Constitution at all, when all you need is a Sean Hannity telling you just how patriotic you are for gutting it? Example, you never complained when Cheney downloaded all of Google after 9/11 to spy on his political adversaries—er, I mean, to keep us safe—but the Secret Service is now monitoring Fox News? Oh the horror!

Remember what our old VP said, “You’ll thank me someday, Barack, for expanding executive powers.”

Let’s all take this moment to say thank you, Mr. Cheney and move on.org. This stuff isn’t news anymore and I doubt those checks and balances are coming back. We had a chance to say ‘no’ to such things back in 2004, but epic fail. Besides, one false Tweet does not a conspiracy make. If the Secret Service is watching Fox News, what we should be worried about as taxpayers is the hardship, the severance pay, and the increased healthcare cost for those subjected.

How about we review a post or two from a couple of years ago, and then compare notes, eh? Or better yet, let’s take the leading issues of our time and see who stands where on what issues. That should be very revealing…well, not to me. Meanwhile, I will try to identify the relevant points you’re making. Er, I may need to hire a staff, Winslow.

Look, I don’t want to focus on the sickest part of this tree called the United States, but that’s sadly what I’ve done. And, yes, I’ve done this using a less than integral approach and for that I am sorry. But, if you continue to rally around the dumbest, no one is going to beat Obama in 2012—even if he turns out to be the worst of the worst! But, I suppose if you keep defending education at this rate… Hmmmm.

Regardless, we need to move the debate to where it should be. I don’t want to play this ‘No Foxeteer Left Behind’ shit anymore. Sorry, but it’s time to report to the emotional support class down the hall. And would the rest of the class please turn to the Chapter marked Alternative Energy.