First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, “they are six really smart people!” I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

Your latest post, Mr. Zano, has many problems, not the least of which is the copious amount of unfunnyness it exudes. It’s like listening to Pink phucking Floyd on the way to work in the morning; it only exacerbates my already powerful feelings of helplessness. I read your political stories and I gaze down at my wrists and cry. Just stop! Who is your sponsor anyway, the makers of Prozac!

The Taliban are wonderful people, I’m sure. I just love the way they treat the ladies. Oops, I seemed to have run over my daughter. Oh well, I’ll just have another. She was getting too westernized anyway. See Mick, no way to make them funny. They all suck, all of them. Not Muslims mind you, I’m talking Taliban. If your neighborhood is taken over by Honduran Mafia, do you talk to the moderate killer/drug dealer? No, you call in some “Sherriff Joe” style artillery.

And it’s just not funny. If it’s OK now to write non funny, I gots’ a shitload for you. Oh, it’s not? Well, then…..

Second, I love charts. Especially yours. Having ADHD, your charts are like a shiny sparkly thing waved in front of me. It’s like “…and then the President says that…Oh look, a Mikko chart….”

Yours of course is bullshit. Why do you never put down where you get this drivel? Even I am smart enough not to copy and paste from the Heritage Foundation; you really need to stay away from MediaMatters.shit.

1. Afghan & Iraq wars, half that amount.
2. Bush tax cuts need to be added to the next 4 years, no one in Washington has the ‘junes to stop them.
3. 152 billion for the health reform? Yeah, I got some waterfront property in Yuma for you. It’s over 1 trillion.
4. The Fed has released documents saying that almost 110 billion went out the back door the Europe and its banks, and they ain’t finished yet.
5. Just today, he added almost 900 billion to welfare and food stamp subsidies.
6. Its only 3 years to Bush’s 8.

7. Oh yeah, Bush was wrong also, so uh, remember this quote:

   How can you tell if you’re a partisan hack?

   When you use something morally indefensible to defend your guy. Thus the whole “I bet you didn’t object when blahblahblah did yadayadayada, so you can’t complain now” logical construct. If the ONLY argument that you have in support of something is a rationalization based on a lack of consistency on the part of its opponents, then you are well and truly sunk intellectually.

Now, there is also this: the Russians couldn’t do shit in Afghanistan. It’s a treacherous shithole. They have no oil, therefore, after we kill all the Taliban fighting men/male children over the age of, well, 7, for their part in 9/11, we need to g.t.f.o. Unless, that is, you want to go pick some poppy? Iraq is another story, we should have taken the oil as payment for letting the Muslim Brotherhood take over the whole region. We repeatedly oust Dictators and then they elect people who all want to kill us. For free. Isn’t the definition of insanity when you keep doing the same fucking shit and keep thinking the outcome will be different? I think 5 or 6 million barrels a year should just about do it.

It’s all for naught anyway, it seems that today Obama just wiped his ass with what was left of the Constitution anyway. You are right, it is all over. It’s just not funny.

And when it comes to politics, neither are you. Oh yeah, and it’s all your fault.

Jeez, I do so love doing that.

Oh yeah, I gave your neighbor a twenty and told him to buy something loud.

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

Winslow’s Note:

I never said you couldn’t write political posts, Mr. Crank, but the rebuttals of rebuttals of rebuttals were giving my ulcers ulcers. I allowed this rebuttal against my better judgment. Actually, I work for the Discord so I don’t really have a better judgment. I’m going to steer clear from any political commentary here, although I will say, for the record, the chart in Zano’s post is from the Congressional Budget Office, not Moveon.org or MediaMatters. He did forget the citation, which is actually quite rare, so I docked him a week’s pay. The chart is considered by many to be the chart of the year (so naturally you won’t see it on Fox News).

But I did want to make one point. You said of Zano’s post, “Your latest has many problems, not the least of which is the copious amount of unfunnyness it exudes.” You made this point often. In Mr. Zano’s feature I counted 10 or 15 jokes, some of them were very funny, some were mildly amusing, and still others made me wish I’d chosen a career in refrigerator repair. Point being, they exist, they are there, embedded within the story. Meanwhile, your post was completely devoid of even the rudimentary precursors of humor. Well, there is that Prozac joke, but apparently that was added later by an underpaid and often beaten intern. This being primarily a comedy site, the victory goes to Zano.

P.S. Your other shit has been hysterical lately so you should take your own advice.

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the “the plan” since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness…or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

This is where the Republicans need the likes of Christopher Hitchens on their side. Unfortunately, Hitchens always balked at any truce with the Taliban, but, at this point, most strategists are of one voice on this matter (which is two less than Michele Bachmann is hearing at any given time).

Here’s what Vice President Joe Biden said last week about the Taliban:

“The militant Islamist group only represents an inherent threat if it allows Al-Qaeda to strike at the U.S.”

And during an interview with Newsweek, Biden warned against “labeling the Taliban as an enemy.”

Oh, the horror. They’re couldn’t possibly be some good and some bad Taliban, given that it’s a major faction in Afghanistan. After all, we are team binary; good or evil; you’re with us or against us; Fox News talking point or Satan worship.

Even our generals on the ground have been talking about the need for a political solution for many many years. There is no ‘military only’ solution, period. Most have come to the realization moderate Taliban members must be approached…er, especially the ones who score me my shit.

“Western diplomats in Kabul said that even under the Bush administration, the United States had grown more receptive to the idea of talking to the Taliban.”

—Carlotta Gall, New York Times

Admittedly, most Middle Easterners are more tribal or fundamentalist than we’d like. Of course, most Conservatives are a little more tribal or fundamentalist than I would like, so deal. The Arab Spring will likely see a resurgence of Sharia Law, as the dictators we propped up fall to Islamic Brotherhood types. This is inevitable. These countries and their people need to grow up and that’s not going to be a pleasant process. But they have to do the growing—forcing their hand is a fool’s errand, or, as I call it, modern conservatism (it’s such a big tent these days, from the misinformed all the way to the sickeningly greedy).

Let’s see, setting up petty dictators failed, removing said dictators failed, occupying them failed, bombing them failed, and nation building failed…umm, let’s take a little pill from Ron Paul’s medicine cabinet, shall we? He’s in New Hampshire, so it’s probably unattended. Oh that’s right, he’s the one who’s nuts. Riiiiiigght. Less is more in these situations. So what does the right want to do? Hire Rick I-want-to-push-the red-button-already Santorum. Onward Christian soldier! Don’t even get me started. I lived in PA while the Rickster voted with George W. Bush 99% of the time…for his entire senatorial tenure! I think the one time he broke from Bush was the one time Bush was right about something. Now what was that again? Hmmm. I’ll have to get back to you.

Whereas I am all for continuing to attack those who pose a clear and present danger to America, I am not going to condone this broader stroke approach so prevalent in Foxsylvania. If we follow the hawk’s lead, it will once again end any chance for moderate thought to take hold (pretty much anywhere we intervene). When General McChrystal said, nearly a decade into the war, we have a presence in about 1 of 100 valleys in Afghanistan, umm, that should have been your first clue this mission was going to be Mission Tom Cruisable. It’s been about as effective as Alan Colmes trying to hook up at the Fox Christmas party—though it was priceless when Megyn Kelly stood up and slapped him in the face. Next time he’ll say Merry Christmas, not happy holidays, the heathen. That’ll learn em’.

Sorry, but a hundred year war will not go over horribly well with the American people or their bank accounts. But what could possibly go wrong trying to nation build in the Graveyard of Empires? What next, the Necropolis of Nations? The GOP, flat-lining our way to Freedom!

Even Bush understood this! Eventually, well…during his lucid moments, after his meds and before nap time. But Bush’s initial strategy in the Land of the Lost had the effect of driving any moderate Taliban factions underground. Where I believe they then formed a sinister alliance with the Morlocks and the CHUDs!

“Afraid of ‘death or Guantanamo,’ some moderates concluded they had no alternative but to return to Mullah Omar. With the war ongoing, he contends, the Taliban as expanded its original commitments to ‘sharia, security and territorial integrity,’ to encompass an international dimension including demands that the U.S. leave Saudi Arabia.”

—Guardian.co.uk, Thursday 2 December 2010

The Guardian doesn’t mention the CHUDs or the Morlocks, but they’re implied. Isn’t it amazing how you can deny the existence of something that you’ve chased to the brink of extinction? Speaking of which, beer in my fridge…what beer in my fridge?

“Reconcilees represent a silent majority in the Taliban who simply want to end the war, and had publicly accepted the constitution though they would favor amendments to enhance the constitutional role of Islam; — Negotiations, reconciliation and restoration of security can and should be followed by elections, and some ex-Taliban would like to be candidates. — Only when key moderates are removed from the 1267 List will they have the credibility needed to convince insurgents they can guarantee agreements they broker with Karzai or the international community.”

And, from the same UK summary of the war:

“The U.S. must identify who within the Taliban is moderate or amenable to dialogue, and work with them to seek peace and agree on how Afghanistan is to be governed.”

—Guardian.co.uk, Thursday 2 December 2010

Obama is going to reach out to moderate Muslims, because it’s the only strategy that has a prayer-rug of working, not to mention it’s the right thing to do. Santorum calls this line of reasoning treasonous, because it’s logical, cheaper, and more prone to generate results (aka, 0 for 3 for the GOP). Not many Republicans are likely to understand this approach, but this President has proven that doing the smart thing is much more effective than whatever the hell the right wants to do. He’s using Bush’s expansion of executive power effectively. I wish last week he’d rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act, but I knew he wouldn’t…no one likely ever will. This was predictable, er….which is why I predicted it back in 2008. And the Foxeteers all supported, because you’re such “patriots.”

The Discord, as usual, sums it up nicely:

2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power

I have been generally silent on the war in Afghanistan, because I don’t know what the hell we’re going to accomplish over there and, frankly, never have. I am also very concerned about the distribution of opium for “personal reasons.” I have suggested a move to predator drones and an intelligence angle on the “War on Error” from the beginning. I always frowned upon nation building anywhere…but I do see why you thought occupying the Crypt of Countries was a swell idea. Those who wanted both land wars are the same people suggesting we continue with Bush’s failed economic policies. It’s the same people bitching the loudest about how broken our economy is. It’s the same people heading to New Hampshire right now on the short bus to Freedom!

It’s time, once again, for what many hail as the chart of the year:

It’s the Policies, Stupid

Funny how I have always blamed Democrats for about a third of the problem and, lo and behold, check out the graph again. It’s the two thirds—the choice part—that should bother us all. $5.07 trillion attributed to Bush’s policies and $1.44 attributed to Obama’s. Our current President’s only choice was “depression now” or “depression later.” This chart sums it up nicely, so you can distort the truth all you want by repeating the words Obama’s deficit and Obama’s spending, until the pundits come home, but that’s not the whole story—it’s a third of the story; the only third you’re permitted to comment on.

Could Obama have immediately stopped both wars? the Bush tax cuts? the unfunded Medicare drug supplemental program? It would have been nice, but then there’s that Republican “patriotic” opposition again.

As for the war, the hawks and neocons had over a decade to win Afghanistan, yet we’re so far from mission accomplished even Bush would hesitate to raise a banner. The double dip recession will get our troops home soon enough, but what a way to do it. This is one point where the late great Christopher Hitchens was wrong. This battle for a higher consciousness—his battle against totalitarian thought—blinded him to how best to bring about such a victory. The health of our economy is inexplicably linked to our security. We seem to be content on having neither.

As I have said all along, the war will be won or lost by the Muslim people themselves. If we’re not careful our actions will only exacerbate the situation. All the military interventions in the world are not going to help the situation (see Iraq), especially if one adds the words incompetently, or Republican President to the mix. There are so many other countries falling under the dark shadow of radical Islam that other non-military solutions must be doggedly pursued. We can help the people of each country grow, or we can foment hatred; the choice has never been clearer.

Nah, just kidding, let’s occupy, bomb, nation-build, and set up a petty dictator! Hooray for the hawks!

Santorum/Bachmann 2012

Blessed are the Nukes

Occasionally I have been wrong here on The Daily Discord. I know, I know, say it isn’t so Zano. But a few of my predictions have clearly gone astray.

I still believe, Sanjya!

Surely my biggest miscalculation involves the time frame for the double dip recession. But here’s one I’m taking back. My relatively small list of boo boos just got smaller. I did not support “The Surge” in Iraq. I felt, at the time, it only acted as a Bushian human shield, so he could quietly sneak away to go clear brush or conduct some other task more suitable to his relative skill set.

In an article for the Discord in 2008, I said, “the catastrophic decisions by Bush and company are swept away by the success of the surge, which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.”

Back then, this “Surge” marked my only retraction and, likewise, the only bragging point on the Right. Soooo, if that becomes meaningless as Iraq deteriorates then what, exactly, have you been right about? Never mind, I don’t want to hear your version of history; it makes my ears bleed. As we leave Iraq, it seems the country is doing what many predicted, tanking right on cue. So what did this surge accomplish, exactly? …besides weaken our economy, of course. So, my fairly short wrong list just got shorter and the already staggeringly long Republican wrong list, well, I think it’s approaching Santa list length (SLL). Who’s been a naughty neocon?

I’m still waiting for a Foxeteer to cite something that, years later, has proven to be anything but dead wrong. It would be an interesting experiment in futility, or, in their case, a better life through revisionist history. Oh wait, they were against the bailouts and so was I. Uh oh, I sense another retraction in my future.

Christopher Hitchens was about the only person on the planet who could clearly explain the justification for the War on Terror and the necessity of the Iraq War—at least in any meaningful way (aka, he was never allowed on Fox News). These days anyone who can articulate their position is suspect. The day Hitchens’ passed, a collective gasp rifled through my friends and colleagues, many of whom did not even share his political views. The Hitch-22 is this, an irreplaceable rational voice was lost to us last week and our fight against totalitarian thought just became a much more arduous task without him.

Hitchens made a compelling argument for taking up arms in the war on Islamofascism. Although I am more dove than hawk, any given Hitchens’ article found me ready and willing to nuke the friggin’ Amish. There are scant few logical opposing views these days, and that’s a shame. The right, of course, will not grieve his loss. They look on any intellect with disdain and suspicion—after all, dumb is the new smart, which is working out so well for them. Besides, Hitchens was an atheist so why bother? He used to get thrown off  of  the Sean Hannity show regularly for making something that has no place in Hannity’s America…sense!

John McCain had the most stunning comment on the final withdrawal of troops from Iraq:

“Over 4,000 brave young Americans gave their lives in this conflict. I pray that their sacrifice is not in vain. I hope that their families will not mourn the day that their sons and daughters went out to fight for freedom for the Iraqi people. Unfortunately, it is clear that this decision of a complete pullout of United States troops from Iraq was dictated by politics, and not our national security interests. I believe that history will judge this president’s leadership with the scorn and disdain it deserves,”

– John McCain

And to think, we almost made this moron president. Sir, with all due respect, Obama was elected in part to get us the hell out of Iraq, which marks a rare moment of lucidity amongst the electorate. If we left now, or a hundred years from now, the Iraqis themselves have some things to sort out—messy things that involve mortars and martyrs (which, by the way, is also my favorite Iraqi game show; it’s almost as good as Wheel of Fatwa).

Here are two points for Senator McCognitive problems to ponder (the right can, of course, ignore both of them and jump right to my comment on socialism):

1. Obama followed Bush’s time line. Bush wanted oil and revenge, but realized at some point he needed to keep himself out of prison, so he shifted away from the policies of his sociopathic Vice President and set a time table for withdrawal. Yeah of history!…happy clap!
2. Obama tried to keep bases and a presence in Iraq, but we were asked politely to leave. The only way we could stay was if our troops agreed to obey Islamic Law. After forgetting to pay, I love having my hand chopped off leaving the local Iraqi Chucky Cheeses. That would have gone over so well with the military families, eh? Look, Iraq is a sovereign nation. Wasn’t that the point? What are you suggesting, sir? Here’s what I—as a behavioral health professional—am suggesting is your problem, Senator…it rhymes with cement-sha.

Shortly after he died, I caught Hitchens’ last interview with Richard Dawkins. These are two very bright people who share an enthusiasm for atheism, but otherwise come from very different disciplines. Hitch the journalist and Dawkins the scientist made for a fitting last interview. And what did they talk about? The very point I’ve been trying to make since long before the Discord’s inception:

DAWKINS: I’ve always been very suspicious of the left-right dimension in politics.

HITCHENS: Yes; it’s broken down with me.

DAWKINS: It’s astonishing how much traction the left-right continuum [has] . . . If you know what someone thinks about the death penalty or abortion, then you generally know what they think about everything else. But you clearly break that rule.

HITCHENS: I have one consistency, which is [being] against the totalitarian – on the left and on the right. The totalitarian, to me, is the enemy – the one that’s absolute, the one that wants control over the inside of your head, not just your actions and your taxes. And the origins of that are theocratic, obviously. The beginning of that is the idea that there is a supreme leader, or infallible pope, or a chief rabbi, or whatever, who can ventriloquise the divine and tell us what to do.

I’ll give you a hint which side of American politics has been more totalitarian in recent years. It rhymes with preservative. Speaking of which, do all preservatives suffer from cement-sha?

Hitchens represents one of our last gasps of independent thought. Only a few recognize the dangers of totalitarianism, this absolute all-or-none thinking so rampant in today’s politics. As Dawkins asserts, we shouldn’t know all of someone’s political views if, say, they happen to be in favor of gun control. But we do and therefore can predict, with a stunning accuracy, where they fall on every other issue from that point on. Why is this, you think? Well, you don’t think…that’s the point. Cable television does the thinking for you.

Where I would expand on the Dawkins Hitchens premise is this: religious zealots are not the only issue. Although the evangelical branch of the right is clearly problematic, fundamental thought is not only driven by the preachers but also by the pundits. Fox News, in particular, has had a staggering impact on the “real American” psyche. Are you wondering why you can’t find a candidate? The one’s you have must all drink from the Foxian Cup of Stupid. It’s why Ron Paul remains an outsider. Independent news died and what’s astounding is how quietly it scampered off. The blogosphere promised new views and new opportunities to hear endless voices on endless topics. Yet, here we are, listening to dumb and dumber, those talking heads on cable television—who you all magically agree with. It’s all variations of the same two voices, let’s call it KochSoros Syndrome.

As for our foreign policy blunders of the recent past, Ron Paul exposes all the Republican Party’s failings in this area, which is precisely why they despise him. As usual, The Dish master gets it:

A (Ron) Paul win in Iowa would completely discombobulate Fox News. That’s good enough reason in and of itself to vote for him. Any restoration of decent, intelligent conservatism must start with a weakening of (Roger) Ailes.

– Andrew Sullivan

True story…er, my story. Meanwhile, Republicans want Obama to go away, as if that will magically solve our problems. I’m afraid the global economy is in its death throes. Look, if Obama loses in 2012 that may or may not be a good thing for our country, but if tomorrow marked the last broadcast of Fox News? Now that would truly be a great day for America. If there were only more independent-minded conservatives like Andrew Sullivan, or even the late hawk Christopher Hitchens, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. Sullivan actually supported the Iraq War but at some point was struck with the realization that Bush was grossly incompetent. What a rare individual…and on the Right no less!

As the last people in the know leave this dimensional plane of existence, I can’t see this battle for a higher level of consciousness ending well. It reminds of a recent Onion article, Last American Who Knew What the Fuck He Was Doing Dies. As for hawkishness, Christopher Hitchens was clearly that man. He marked the only person who could explain your position on foreign policy in complete sentences. Well, I guess you still have The British are Irish Palin.

What strikes me as sad is this: the only people who did not even take notice of Hitchens’ passing are the very people who needed his voice the most.