This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

Review time: the Right still thinks, and always will, that all of the causes for our economic collapse occurred after the actual collapse (Obama’s fault), that all numbers and charts regarding the policies that brought us here are false (the Congressional Budget Office’s), and that our current Constitutional crisis was brought about, not by those who gutted the thing (R), but by those who failed to restore it (D). They invariably side with those who, by choice and policies, brought about our economic collapse (R) over those who failed to fix it (D).

Most disturbing, they fear above all else the onset of socialism, during the same time period when all of our wealth is funneling to about six people. They choose to Tea Party instead of Occupy. They have been on the wrong side of history on about every key issue of our time. They have made up their minds on so many subjects without looking at anything but their own doctored data, wrapped in ideology, and served with a side order of propaganda. Elephantitis? I am not a journalist, I’m a human Baier! (Sorry Bret).

As the last lights fade upon this reality, the Right has started to ask some hard questions like Is Obama in an Alternate Universe? Compared to you? Yep…and thank your God for that.

And it’s not just this ‘weakening of Fox News’ premise from my last post. The right needs to start policing itself properly. We have needed a stronger Conservative brand for a long time. The results are a Gingrich Administration. Hah!

There are some valid concerns on the Right, but their inherent inaccuracies cloud each and every issue. I have written multiple posts on the need for a legitimate conservative media source. You can find a couple of them here and here, and if you’re a real glutton for punishment, here.

I want to know the truth—just not their twisted, faulty, hateful version of it. Last week, Michael Savage, a man clearly sinking to Limbaugh levels, said, “This is the most corrupt, incompetent, dangerous tyrannical administration in American history.” Um, sir, where the f*%$ were you between 2000 and 2008? Why don’t you and the rest of your Savage Nation climb back under the rock? Don’t you read Zano? Obama is a B+ on foreign policy.

Today’s Fox News and Drudge mentality has so confounded, so inundated the discourse with crap that it’s really hard to filter out what’s important. One would think Obama has had hundreds of scandals at this point. I want to know what those are! Scandals need to be based on reality, like Jersey Shore. If the Fast & Furious thing pans out, Obama will still be about 427 behind his predecessor (which in your Universe was Bill Clinton).

I have said time and time again, I can’t focus on the left when some Republican is waging war on clean air, or clean water, or climate change data, or science, or evolution, or worker’s rights, or critical services, or Wiccan Drag Queens for Elvis (WDQEs). God, I love those guys, perhaps a bit too much…

You can’t enact into law the same things under Bush that you’re now railing against Obama about. It shows another keen ability to bend logic into a partisan pretzel (Auntie Anne’s Coulters?).

If you read my feature on a recent Facebook thread, these same people last week were spitting venom at Obama’s failure to roll back provisions of the Patriot Act. This time I remained silent. What’s the point at this point?

“Now Dumbama can pick you up off the street without due process and lock you up forever!”

–Foxeteer number 3, Facebook (last week)

Umm, that hasn’t been news since 2003. The sheer lack of understanding of the Foxeteers remains such a profound story that our ongoing economic collapse seems to almost pale in comparison. Someone else actually said later in this same thread “to arms! to arms!”

That’s impossible! Obama’s already pried them from your cold dead hands and he’s now sending someone over to detain your corpse, right now. Oh, and before they even plant you, he’s going to redistribute all of your accumulated wealth to poor black people. I believe that was his platform in 2008.

As for indefinitely detaining American citizens without due process, I showed some similar outrage when the Constitution was actually being dismantled, over eight years ago. How did you miss all of this? How can you all see reality in such a disingenuous way? Sure there’s some racism in there, as someone else commented later in the post how, “he’s getting away with this because he’s black.” So Bush got away with it because he’s black? I thought that was Bill Clinton.

You felt very safe when your Constitutional rights were being gutted—you even waved flags as you patriotically grabbed your ankles and took one for Uncle Sam—but okay, okay, I’m beating a dead elephant… In a nut shell, the Right is incapable of accurately critiquing a Democratic administration and they go the f^*& to sleep under a Republican one, which has worked out so well lately.

The Crank weighed in on the issue, “Obama just wiped his ass with what’s left of the Constitution.” I agree with this statement, but here’s the snag: Obama was put into a corner. If he rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act and we were successfully attacked by a terrorist group, could you imagine the outcries from the right and the left? And, of course, the subsequent Darth Cheney interview? Remember Cheney told Obama he’d “thank me someday for expanding executive power.” This is why I predicted in 2003 the Patriot Act would never be overturned. This is just more selective outrage generated by someone else’s agenda. Hey, it could be worse, Tea Peeps …you could actually be making up all this bullshit yourselves.

I just want the hacks on the Right to zip it long enough for people with some credibility and insight to tackle the issues of our day. Oh, that’s right, there aren’t any with credibility. Conservatives outside of the echo chamber have been banned from Fox News for a long time.

MSNBC is not policing the Obama Administration and the Right is so discredited, so full of shit, so partisan, you’ll likely lose the election even if unemployment climbs another 10%! I would turn to CNN, but I fall asleep almost immediately. CNN…proven more effective than Ambien in most clinical studies.

You just have to watch Fox or read the Drudge Report for their ‘scandal of the day’ mentality to see the stunning level of obfuscation. Let’s see, there’s:

1. The Obama’s ‘Holiday Card Picture Isn’t Christmassy enough’ scandal.
2. The Obama ‘Doesn’t Share Our Values’ scandal.
3. The Obama’s ‘Daring to Fund Alternative Energies as We Run Out of Oil’ scandal.
4. The Obama ‘Celebrated His Birthday this Year During a Recession’ scandal.
5. The Obama ‘Received Loans as a Foreign Student’ scandal (that’s this week’s, courtesy of Mike Shmuckabee).
6. The Obama is ‘On Vacation Again’ scandal.
7. The Obama ‘Spends His Nights Strangling Puppies’ scandal (admittedly, he shouldn’t do that.)

Your scandals are scandalous! Here are the other recent ones:

1. SOLYNDRA – if we had any sense we would find a way to save and fund places like this, but we don’t. The real scandal is this: we’re not funding green energies as oil supplies screech to a grinding halt, or as the Republicans call it ‘seizing the engines of freedom!’ I know, I know, the Canadian pipeline could have let us ignore the problem for another 30 to 40 seconds (hint: you’ve had 30 to 40 years).
2. Obamacare – I didn’t support this either, folks (it’s not the right time), but I at least understand how it will not end life as we know it (Bush already did that). Besides, how much worse could it be than a system with costs rising higher and faster than college tuition and Starbucks coffee combined?

Oh, and it looks like Greenwald checked out one of my recent posts. OK, maybe not, but more and more people are starting to take notice of some of my major beefs within the left-right political discourse:

“Worse still is the embrace of George W. Bush’s with-us-or-against-us mentality as the prism through which all political discussions are filtered. It’s literally impossible to discuss any of the candidates’ positions without having the simple-minded — who see all political issues exclusively as a Manichean struggle between the Big Bad Democrats and Good Kind Republicans or vice-versa — misapprehend ‘I agree with Candidate X’s position on Y’ as ‘I support Candidate X for President’ or ‘I disagree with Candidate X’s position on Y’ as ‘I oppose Candidate X for President.’ Even worse are the lying partisan enforcers who, like the Inquisitor Generals searching for any inkling of heresy, purposely distort any discrete praise for the Enemy as a general endorsement.”

—Glenn Greenwald

I wrote a recent article about this same point. Heck, even our own Crank had this to say on Facebook recently:

“Before voting, one should have to prove that one gets their news from more than one source. There aren’t any honest journalists anymore, and if you only listen to one side of any issue, it would be too dangerous to allow you to vote. Having an opinion today means a little work. If you are too busy or lazy to put in the time, you are not automatically entitled to an opinion. There are very dangerous people on both sides.” 

–The Crank

Well said, sir. But, as usual, Andrew Sullivan is the best at summoning things up:

“The idea that Obama is trying to create a European socialist entitlement-state in America is literally surreal. Again, we have a fantasy about what has happened these past three years, and an even greater fantasy about the eight years before that.”

—Andrew Sullivan, while live blogging the Republican debates.

Andrew, of course, is being assailed right now by Megyn Kelly for his recent Newsweek article Why are Obama’s Critics so Dumb? I can answer that question in two words, Fox News. Kelly won’t have Sullivan on her show, of course, and the misinformation giants have actually blurred out his name in her feature. God forbid some of her listeners go to his site and actually learn something from a knowledgeable Conservative. It’s time to turn off that shit, people, and, yep…more and more people are taking notice of the story within the story of our time.

Today this passes as journalism. Hah! I promise to stop harping on this issue when this “News Station” gets on something to control their collective delusions, Integrizex? Profactz? How about some Retractionol? When’s the last time they admitted a mistake? Oh right, that’s Un-American.

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, “I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps.” Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

There was a recent post on CNN.com that addressed this Colbertian phenomenon and it was a funny article indeed. CNN is now boasting they’re the ‘Colbert No Nomination’ channel. I think, since this “journalist” never admitted he was joking, he’s fair game, so let’s begin:

“Simply put: Colbert must be stopped! He is an existential threat to our way of life and to the exceptional nature of our nation.”

— Dean Obeidallah CNN

Well said, sir! The Colbert demographic is an interesting one. His supporters are comprised of a Conservative amalgam, half of which are so disgusted with their own party they’d rather vote for a comedian in lieu of a legitimate candidate, and a second group so stupid they think Colbert is actually a Republican. These are two factions of our society so sinister that, were they to join forces, it would create a tsunami of neoconservative nonsense not seen since the last Republican debate. That’s my quote, not Dean’s. We are of one mind on this. Colbert could well capture the evangelical vote, because 1.) they are not happy with Mormons or any candidate from that “Cult”, and 2.) the best adjective that describes this faction of our society sounds very much like the word “Mormons”.

“I know some will dismiss the threat posed by Colbert — these apologists will defend him as ‘harmless’ or say he’s no more than ‘a charismatic speaker’ — but that is exactly what they said about Hitler.”

— Dean Obeidallah CNN

Yes, Hitler was a comedian too. As people were marched into the gas chambers, Hitler would often announce things over the loud speakers like, “Later hosens!” or “I shot a Jew in my pajamas this morning. How he got in my pajamas I don’t know.” But if the drummer missed one of the ba-dum-dums, he’d shoot them in the head. Hitler took comedy seriously; what else could possibly explain his moustache? A covert group known as Monty Python believed Hitler was actually trying to counter the creation of the funniest joke—a joke which proved lethal to all within earshot. The joke, now just a footnote of history, actually helped America and its allies win WWII. True story.

“In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.”

–Eric Idle

Dean also had this to say:

“Colbert has not been hiding his extreme views. Night after night (or four nights a week to be exact) Colbert has been spewing his venom. However, for some reason, the media have given him a free pass.”

It’s kind of like Ann Coulter, only he has admitted it’s a shtick, well, not in some many words, but it’s implied.

“And let’s not forget that Colbert admitted that he makes up facts to support his own political arguments, as he gleefully boasted once: ‘I can’t prove it, but I can say it.’”

— Dean Obeidallah CNN

Holy shit, maybe Colbert is ready for Fox News! While Fox News is ideology and opinion in the guise of a news station, Colbert is a comedian in the guise of a Republican. Now, CNN, infinitely complicating the matter, has a journalist posing as a comedian, posing as a journalist, condemning a comedian posing as a Republican. Some people might say I am further complicating things as a comedian, acting like a pseudo journalist, acting like a fool. But who the hell are you to tell me what to do? You’re not Winslow, so just piss off. You aren’t Winslow, are you? Because he’s kind of mean and grumpy lately (SOPA?).

Here’s some of Obeidallah’s other concerns with Colbert’s views:

On unemployment: “Suck it up, unemployed. It is your own damn fault that you don’t have a job … So stop scapegoating Wall Street.” Do we really want an American president who sides with Wall Street over workers?

—Herman Cain, er…I mean, Stephen Colbert

On Gays: “There is nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.”

—Rick Santorum, er…I mean Stephen Colbert

Immigration: “This is America. I don’t want my tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”

—Michele Bachmann, er…I mean Stephen Colbert

When are Republicans going to get the joke, it’s them?

“Colbert has only two qualities I like: 1. He’s a friend of Jon Stewart and 2. He has good hair. Besides that, he is a danger to our Republic.”

— Dean Obeidallah CNN

That’s a good one, Dean. I would like to further lend support to Mr. Colbert by adding, he exudes truthiness and, in both polls and his comments, remains well within the margin of error.

And that’s tonight’s word.