Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked

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Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, “Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking.”

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply “to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads.”

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to “Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy” has also gained little support from California residents.

“Look,” said Lohan, “I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches.”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually

Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your…oh…oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You’re welcome.
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Are you a Serpent or a Rat? Take the Quiz of Yig!

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Alex Bone

Are you one with Yig, or will be cowering in the corner when the Earth comes under peril this December? Take Yig’s Stalwart quiz and see where you stand in the eyes of the All Father Serpent. Oh, but if you fail badly, you might be devoured.

  1. You come across a person who has gotten into a bike accident and is knocked unconscious.
    1. Steal their wallet.
    2. Call for help and begin first aid.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Ingest bath salts and chew off their face.

  1. You come upon a small pond where an invasive species of crawdad has moved in and is in the process of destroying the natural wildlife.
    1. Feed the crawfish crackers and hotdogs.
    2. They are enemies of Yig! Kill as many as you can and eat
      them.
    3. Report it to the park service on your iPhone.
    4. Ingest bath salts and chew off the crawdad’s insect-like
      faces.

  1. Your friend needs to be picked up from the airport.
    1. Screw that, the airport’s like an hour away.
    2. Show up with some tasty beverages on ice and hit a tavern or a nature spot on the way home.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Say sure, but then when his plane arrives accidentally “space it.”

  1. Through no fault of your own, you find yourself homeless.
    1. Move back in with your ex.
    2. Build a house out of pallet wood and ask your ex to move in.
    3. Become a snake and curl up anywhere.
    4. Couch surf baby!

  1. The zombie plague has started. You are about to escape town, when you see two children trapped inside a car surrounded by seven zombies and all you have is a baseball bat.
    1. Pretend to not see them and keep sexting your girlfriend.
    2. Lure the zombies away and kill them one at a time.
    3. Check to see if they eat snakes.
    4. Use this distraction to loot a nearby store for canned goods.

  1. Your significant other wants you to hold her purse/man purse while she tries on an article of clothing.
    1. Toss it on the bench, because that check-out girl is hot and you need to get her number.
    2. Hold it, but only at arm’s length as if it’s radioactive.
    3. Become a snake and crawl inside.
    4. Agree, but only so you can search for loose change.

  1. Your friend has fallen on hard times and needs a place to crash.
    1. Don’t return his calls and if he comes by pretend you’re not home.
    2. Grab a twelver and invite a few people over for a welcome to your sofa party.
    3. Tell him he can only stay if he can become a snake.
    4. Paying half of your rent and utilities to sleep in the shed sounds fair.

  1. You are out camping, you haven’t collected much wood yet, and a storm is approaching.
    1. Play The Doors Riders on the Storm and light a doobie.
    2. Make sure everyone else in the camp completes answer D, while you dig out a cold one from the cooler.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Make a fire, start collecting wood, and get a tarp up.

  1. You are on a long road trip when the car breaks down in the middle of a lonely stretch of desert.
    1. Blame your friend and complain as loudly as possible.
    2. If the car can’t be fixed, gather water and offer to hike back to the nearest town.
    3. Become a snake, there should be a few desert rats around.
    4. Listen to reruns of ‘car talk’ on the radio until they describe your mechanical problem.

  1. You see Jack Primus surrounded by six sickle-wielding Glooms.
    1. Help the Glooms kill that pompous prick.
    2. Grab a weapon and attack them from behind.
    3. Become a snake.
    4. Runaway as quickly as possible and report it to The Daily Discord.

Scoring:

For each question answered “A” give yourself 10 rat points. For each question answered “D” give yourself five Rat points.

For each “B” give yourself 10 Yig points, and for each “C” give yourself a bonus one Yig point for just thinking about snakes.

If you have both Yig points and Rat points they cancel each other out. So for instance if you had 80 Yig points but 20 Rat points you would have a Yig score of 60. A person with 70 Rats points and 30 Yig points would have a Rat score of 40.

Rat Point Scale

1-10 – You are Mr./Ms. Anywhere the wind blows…yawn.

11-20 – You aren’t even a good villain.

21-30 – Embrace the dark side.

31-40 – The homeless and small children run from you.

41-50 – Babies cry at the sight of you.

51-60 – Evil organizations are trying to enlist you.

61-70 – You are wondering if you should put the title Overlord before your name.

71-80 – Anti-social personality disorder, why do they call it a disorder, everything’s working according to plan.

81-90 – You’ll return Satan’s call when you get around to it.

91-100 – Cthulhu has just made you the general of his land troops.

Yig Point Scale

1-10 – Oh boy…

11-20 – Someone needs to step up.

21-30 – Go collect some firewood.

31-40 – Okay, I’ll let you water my plants when I go abroad.

41-50 – You make a good babysitter.

51-60 – You want to go camping this weekend?

61-70 – We need to kill some crawdads.

71-80 – We need to kill some Migo.

81-90 – Yig has an assignment for you.

91-100 – Hey Jack, I didn’t see you standing there.

Would you like to learn more about Yig? Click here!
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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until “It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin”

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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to “rub the lotion on its skin” until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, “If this shit doesn’t recover, I’m gonna tear his eyeballs out and I’m gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!” He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, “Regulate this, Obama.”

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, “No way,” but later admitted to reporters, “But it is a good coffee table book for sure.”
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Cannibals Offended by the Name Zombie

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Erisa Brahe

USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.

There are many who fear these are precursors to a full blown Zombie Apocalypse. While this has many Doomsday Preppers running to their cat-food-filled bunkers with glee, the uproar has left one neglected demographic insulted and alienated: your friendly neighborhood cannibal.

The pro-cannibal program, Cannibals for Humans as an Ethical Food Source (CHEFS), is working diligently to defend the civil rights of cannibals within the U.S. and promoting awareness of this unique life style choice.

President of CHEFS, Manny Tacos, told the Press today, “A zombie is a fantastical creature that is the animated remains of a deceased human with an insatiable craving for the brains of the living. Cannibals, on the other hand, are living humans who consume all of the succulent cuts of flesh from all hominids and deserve to be treated with the same rights and respect as any other minority group.” 

With their slogan, “If you are what you eat, umm, connect the fucking dots already!” CHEFS’ past efforts have covered a wide range of issues from Florida’s Stand Your Ground Meat Laws, to promoting organ donations, to helping develop Huftu (Human-flavored Tofu).

“Some of my friends only eat Vegans,” said Mr. Tacos, “which I think is a noble gesture. And, in a show of good faith, we have dropped our lawsuit against the makers of the Manwich for false advertising.”

Currently, CHEFS is producing a massive ad campaign designed to inform and reassure the public that “Mostly harmless cannibals, not zombies, are devouring folks.”

Mr. Tacos feels it’s similar to the Wanda Syke’s, “When you say, ‘That’s so gay.’ Do you realize what you are saying?” ad.

CHEFS has funded a series of ads and billboards designed to calm the masses, with slogans like, “We’re not Zombies. Please don’t flee,” and “Become an organ donor…today!”

“Calling a cannibal a zombie is like calling a Republican a Democrat, a pirate a ninja, a Fox News anchor a journalist, or a journalist a Discord contributor,” said Tacos, who then left to retrieve some fava beans and a dry Chianti from his pantry.

This gave me enough time to chew though my bonds and escape the human-sized cooking pot in his kitchen. I’m Elisa Brahe, reporting for The Daily Discord, happily not the other white meat.
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers…it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving “Cindy” a gift for “Candy’s birthday.

Blair

Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions…you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch
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The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge

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Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

If you actually read these articles, the facts are typically more damning to the Right. How could they be otherwise? Every day I scan the Drudge and cringe. If you read the articles on June 3rd (yes, one day’s worth of BS), here are the headlines followed by my interpretation:

Hillary Tours Arctic to See “Impact of Climate Change”

Universal Translator = Yes, for those among us who scorn science and reason, this trip is some pleasure cruise to the frozen wasteland. Perhaps this voyage is another example of misspent stimulus funds?

Fact: every year we lose enough ice on this planet to fill eight Lake Eries, so I think you can tear the quotes down around climate change any time now, dip shit. Call me a crazy, but studying our next potential mass extinction seems a worthwhile investment. Besides, Obama understands how sending the Ice Queen to the Pole could refreeze entire sections of our glaciers for the price of a simple cruise ticket. Touché Mr. President. Touché.’ Of course, had he mistakenly sent his big mouthed Veep instead, Manhattan would already look like Venice at high tide.

Even Maureen Dowd Begins To Turn.

Universal Translator = Umm, yeah, because Obama is too conservative for Maureen’s taste. And, sure Libs can change their minds; they actually have minds to change. Liberals are angry because Obama is still pandering to Conservatives when they deserve nothing but deportation. Kidding! Four years of Romney and all political comedians will likely join the one percent. Republicans are a national treasure, comedically speaking.

This Dowd line captures the essence of her article:

“As president, Obama has never felt the need to explain or sell his signature pieces of legislation — the stimulus and health care bills — or stanch the flow of false information from the other side.”

Yes, Matt, you can translate this as Obama’s failure to defend his achievements and failure to have you arrested. How embarrassing.

Weak Economy Points to Obama Constraints

Universal Translator = This implies Obama is restricting things, regulating the markets, and single handedly destroying our economy. Riiight. If you actually read the article—which Mr. Drudge is betting you won’t—it actually blames Obama’s “constraints” on China devaluing its currency, Europe’s woes, and an unwillingness of Congress to pass anything until the early Romney Administration. There’s only one of those three things we have any control over and who’s cock blocking whom? Check out two separate think tank gurus on our Republicans attempt to end our Republic here. Here’s a quote from the NYT article Mr. Drudge linked to:

“And now, despite their own record-low numbers in the polls, they [Congress] have next to no incentive to help an embattled Democratic president lift the economy.”

Republicans have no incentive to save us, which is a Star Spangled Bummer. Maybe a Patriotism for Dummies book could help. The Right is twice as angry at a president who in reality is only half as bad as their last guy. Distortions, delusions, and defund, oh my!

Oh, and then Mr. Drudge has this headline listed on the same flipping day.

This Summer ‘Eerie Echo’ of Pre-Lehman…

Universal Translator = This is an interesting attempt at bending logic (even by Republican standards). Maybe Mr. Drudge just missed the irony while riding the short bus to work. It is hard to see with those special helmets on. No, Mr. Drudge. Don’t hurt yourself! It upsets the other children:

Matt, by choosing this headline, is implying that our financial system is about to collapse because Obama has not regulated big banks, which the Right wouldn’t allow. The Republicans blocked finance reform back in 2010 as covered by the NYT here.

This ‘Eerie Echo’ of Pre-Lehman article believes the market’s vulnerability involves the collapse of the Euro and nothing more. They’re saying the collapse of the Euro may well be on par with the housing bubble. Oh wait but Obama is a Kenyan/European/socialist so I do see the connection. It is his fault.

Here’s another gem:

Rachel Maddow: ‘The less you talk about the election, the more your ratings go up’

Universal Translator = The implication is that the enthusiasm is low on the left and the Dems are quaking in their shoes for the 2012 election. Actually, Maddow just explained the natural lull during an election cycle after the primary season ends. Besides, didn’t we all deserve a lengthy break after 427 of the most ridiculous debates in our planet’s history? Kidding! The 2008 Primaries were worse.

Obama Gets Left Behind; Libs Turn…

Universal Translator = This is true. Many libs, like Maureen Dowd, are piping in their disgust, but it’s because Libs aren’t getting much on their wish list. And the reality that the Right will never admit is this: Obama is governing more like Reagan than Reagan did. Libs want someone more liberal. Bill Maher said it best when ranting against the GOP contenders:

“Newt Gingrich called Obama the most radical Leftist President in history. Senator Marco Rubio called him the most divisive figure in American history. Michele Bachmann said Obama is the most radical President we have ever seen in the history of the country …John Bolton said Obama just doesn’t care about national security. Honestly, there are Mexican drug mules who don’t pull this much stuff out of their ass.”

See more of that Real Time riveting rant here.

We May Have to Work Until We’re 80 Post Crisis

Universal Translator = I know Matt Drudge is again trying to embarrass Obama, but let me sum this one up for you. Keep in mind, the crisis began in the U.S. in 2008 and then spread to Europe soon thereafter. So…

Before George W. Bush was president the world could retire at 65, now, post Bush, one AIG executive thinks we should all be prepared to work until we’re 80.

Yeah team America! Let’s put the Iranian War on Visa too. What’s the big deal? There’s plenty more plastic where that came from. My sources tell me, little Chinese children mine new credit cards each day from deep within the Himalayan Mountains  (at least for our gold and platinum cards).

America is exceptional, so much so it’s ready for the Exceptional Olympics.

Debt Has Increased More in Last 15 Months Than First 97 Congresses — Combined!

Yep, true story = This is all you will hear until the election. They will present this one “fact” in every pie chart and graph known to mankind. It’s the only number that has any meaning to a Foxeteer, which is your hint that there’s more to this story. As not to beat this dead elephant, my take on the botched debt deal debacle here.

The right doesn’t want any course corrections under Obama, even though we all know these are primarily republican excesses accumulated over that last three decades (or Alex Bone’s bar tab).

This headline gives them all a boner (a Boehner?). Headlines like these will run on Drudge right up until the erection (sorry, it’s the Boehner thing). This is the only point they have…they created this problem and locked us into this decaying orbit and have successfully convinced 40% of our population they have nothing to do with it.

Republicans refuse to help fix their own mess precisely because they want a headline that reads: Debt Has Increased More Than First 97 Congresses Combined! You know, a better America through destroying it. (It’s catchy. Maybe we could petition to have it added to the lyrics of America. My country borrowed for these…wars, cuts, and Medicare D, for free I sing). Why are Republicans so mathematically impaired?

Just before sending this off to Mr. Winslow on June 5th, I made the mistake of perusing the Drudge (that’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back…time better spent banging my head against the steering wheel). This was posted the next day but deserves an honorable mention award: ‘Pulitzer’ Newspaper Mocks Drudge For Informing Readers…

No, he’s not talking about The Daily Discord, this time. I’m sure our Pulitzer just got lost in the mail (if our Government could only have afforded to spring for overnight shipping). But notice Pulitzer is in single quotes…just like Climate Change. I think there’s a clear difference between informing and misinforming, Mr. Drudge.

 So, on that note, keep reading The Drudge “Report”.
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Ron Paul Admits to “Partial Erection” after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan

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Ron Paul Admits to "Partial Erection" after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, “Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news.” He went on to call this a “half mast event” not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, “A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis.”

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, “If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again.”

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, “If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt.”

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to “I might have lost the election, but not my—.”

“Hardly,” said Paul.
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Technology Bytes

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The Crank

In a world where we’ve become so totally dependent upon electronic wizardry to do even the most basic of tasks, the failure of such technology makes us old timers long for the old days. The latest tech forces us to choose between quality and convenience. Do we wish to get off our ever fatter asses and actually ‘do’ something? No, we want something done ‘for us’ by the magic little Chinese dude inside our latest job robber from the east. Ask not what your Compaq can do for you, but what you can…a fuggedaboutit.

In our quest to become ‘Hutts”(as in Jabba the-) we are settling for much less quality than we ever had before. Take music. MP3 is about the worst music storage device ever conceived. It literally makes a command decision on just what it wants you to hear, and what it deems ‘unnecessary information’ gets unceremoniously expunged. This is also what Winslow did to my article on Why Can’t that Bitch Next Door Just…Never mind. Perhaps all is for the best.

So you end up with something infinitesimally small and vast in its storage capacity, yet sounding no better than an old 8-track (on a good day). Most don’t see the problem because they have never heard Ride of the Valkyries on a Telarc CD while sitting in front of a pair of odd shaped boxes known to the archeological community as Bose 901s. Look it up. The purveyors of music today are banking on the shear fucking stupidity of the purchasers. Letting other people/things make your decisions for you never ends well. Hear that big Gov? To paraphrase an anti-technology Dodge Charger commercial from a few years back, “We’ve all seen the way THAT movie ends, with machines picking through body parts looking for energy.”

Darwin is alive and well today. Just watch people try to drive/walk/run/cook/clean/work etc. whilst texting/sexting/talking/shopping/working on their own personal little torture devices/prison cells known ironically as smartphones. They are getting smarter as we are getting dumber. Hear ye, hear ye…there is no scenario where ‘texting’ is better than talking. If you call me and I can’t speak right away, they have this thing called leave a fucking message. It works really well. If I am at a meeting and I text you, it means I am at a meeting. I don’t need to be at and I’m ignoring and dissing the speaker. If you text me at a meeting, well, fuck you. I’ll call you back later, dude, it ain’t all about you. If you text someone who is driving, you might kill them, so STOP NOW! If you text back while driving, you might very well deserve to die. (There’s that Darwin thing again). But the dude next to you might not want to go for that same ride. No information I have ever received was worth a human life, mine OR yours (with perhaps one exception: this season’s finale of Jersey Shore).

So, you now pay hundreds per month for crystal-clear reception to NOT TALK to your friends? You push little buttons with your thumbs and relay a message? And they’re not even real buttons. They are just pictures of buttons. It’s just like the old telegraph, just way more expensive. AND, no one can spell anymore, dorks. What next, Verizon smoke signals?

And watching movies on a fucking phone? Talk about going back in time. My TV in the 50s was bigger. “I got a 66 inch flat screen at home, so let’s go watch my phone?” Jeez. “Hey Bob, I watched the whole game on my phone. Yeah, it was great, except now my friggin’ eyes are permanently crossed.”

Wireless: making your whole life dependent on an internet connection through radio waves. Sounds like ancient technology to me, but it does work until your system bytes the dust. You can’t print, you can’t shop, you can’t work. You pick up a pencil, but you just can’t seem to remember how to use it.

“Wait, I’ll look it up online!” Oh no you won’t. You pick up a newspaper, but it’s in a different language called English—not the lol bff ttfn shit you’re used to. You could go to the “store” to shop, but there are none left. They all closed while you were sexting that chick from accounting. You would eat but you can’t order delivery, and by now your ass is too big to fit out the fucking door. You could clear your weekend schedule and try to figure out how to use the big yellow book that’s been sitting by your phone all these years, but naaah. You couldn’t fit in the driver’s seat of your fucking Prius anyway. You’re fucked, and China is laughing their skinny asses off at our fat asses, you asses!

Technology is responsible for the biggest horror to befall mankind in centuries. It’s called Auto-Tune. It’s when you can’t sing for shit, but you are pretty and have large breasts. So you find someone who wants them boobs enough to pay for a singing career for someone who can’t sing for shit. The machine does it for you. It takes a note that you can manage to sing, and the computer does the rest, manufacturing a song with your voice. Bullshit at it’s finest. Bullshit you pay big-time for when you purchase these idiot’s songs. Back to the purveyors banking on the purchaser’s stupidity, and believe me, there are plenty of stupid people with money and smarter people who want it. Gene Simmons stated the next Kiss tour will be an “Auto-Tune Free Zone.” He then proceeded to disparage all young female “singers” whose names just happen to end in a vowel (a tongue lashing?).

Did you know that the most common word in divorces in America today is Facebook? For real. People are spending more time online than with their spouses and children. Can you say “Demise of the family unit as we know it?” I new ya could. You may think it’s no big deal, but just ask someone who hasn’t had a family. Not so good. Take an interest, or bug out. Make a decision people. Real people are interesting. People watching is great only if you have a loved one with you to denigrate/ make fun of/ laugh at the strangers you see. If you go to Wal-Mart and just sit there alone, laughing at people, one of two things will happen. You will get a visit from store security or from men in white lab coats. Neither of those choices is a good one. Being alone with technology does no one any good.

Except me,

I get material to write about at work when the fucking modem dies, and the IT guy is here trying to fix it at $Arm/Leg per hour, and I can’t do shit. Guess just what he’s doing while working on our computers? Yes, and his smartphone ringtone is the theme from The Jetsons.

But I Digress…

Crank
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Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab

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Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, “For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture.”

When asked why, Bush said, “Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance…and I remember not paying for anything.”

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, “I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh.”

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets

Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith’s novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face…it’s what’s for dinner.
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Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa

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Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, “I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip.”

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, “Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days.”

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David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis

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David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as “an interview”…you know, the usual.

I figured the signing would suit my needs, but man the line was long—the director’s cut of Twilight long. I was about to head back to my seat when I realized the line was down to one person, presumably because they announced, “The show is starting, so piss off.” But I managed to sneak behind the last person in line. Once I was standing before the comedic legend himself, I did my traditional unfolding of the biggest receipt in my wallet. I smoothed it out all nice like and then slid it over for him to sign. Then one of his evil minions said, “That’s it. The other guy was last.” I was shirked, rudely shirked! Now you see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed! I recovered quickly, because I am a professional, after all, and I told Dave, “Hey, I’m looking forward to the show.” He ignored my comment and zipped up his little bag of Sharpies and walked showard. The bastard! So I did the only thing a self-respecting blogger would do…I picked up the one Sharpie that had dropped on the floor and huffed the thing dry.

Actually, this was my small revenge:

My small revenge

That’ll teach him to mess with an important voice of the press.

Before I continue with the Sedaris character assassination, I will state for the record, he’s a comedic genius and a talented author. I enjoy his work immensely. Let’s face it, he’s approaching nearly a Zano level of talent (NZLOT). What really impressed me was his natural wit during the question and answer phase of the night’s festivities. Now, having said that, onward with the personal assault!

The show was very funny, but I had already read one of the selections he chose to recite. It was a story from The New Yorker. In fact, I think they were all recycled excerpts. Then he did the same snail joke he used on The Jon Stewart show. Sure it’s a funny joke, but the second time….?

Guy gets woken up at 2AM by his doorbell. He opens the door and sees a snail perched on his porch.

The snail says, “Hi, I’m going door-to-door selling magazines. Could I interest you in a subscription?”

Enraged, the guy boots the snail off his porch, sending him sailing.

Two years later, doorbell rings again, and one more time it’s the snail.

“What the fuck was that all about?”

[Canned Laughter]

OK, if he can do it, I can do it. Is that his secret to success? You want a great recycled joke?

So this koala bear walks into a bar…No, I can’t do it. Only original jokes here at the Discord. I have higher standards.

I was sitting waaaay in the back of the auditorium, so far back I think it would have taken me longer to get in a question than that snail. And, for all of my trouble, it would have probably ended similarly for me. The show was sold out and packed to the gills with a variety of college students, professors, and locals. Since the whole question and answer thing wasn’t working for me, I decided to catch him after the show, but, again, the line ended up being waaaay too long. Besides, I had places to go and people to see. Parole officers expect punctuality.

I decided to get on David Sedaris’ official Facebook site the next day, as I was still desperately trying to salvage some kind of a story. You see, when Mr. Winslow wants a story, he gets a story. Not a very accurate or well written one—it’s more about deadlines with him. And, for us contributors, it’s more about missing those deadlines. My boss needs to understand I have other offers in the industry. I’m just simply omitting exactly what industry (hint: it rhymes with corn).

So I resolved to ask my thoughtfully prepared question on Dave’s official FB site. Here’s what I asked:

Thanks for coming to Flagstaff, Dave! Enjoyed the show. You were great during the Q&A section. I was in the back so I didn’t get to ask you this important question: was your latest book Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk inspired by Rick Man-On-Dog Santorum?

It’s not a gottcha question. It’s a legitimate enquiry, right?

Fact Check: Mr. Santorum’s statement during the Republican Primaries, wherein he suggested homosexuality led to bestiality, was made nearly two years after the release of Mr. Sedaris’ book. You asked the question, because you are a juvenile proto-journalist with an ego the size of our defense budget.

Damn you Fact Check! Damn you! Can we disable this feature, Mr. Winslow? Otherwise I’m applying at The Onion……again.

Then I check back on the site the next morning and my comment is gone… utterly wiped from our virtual world as if it had never existed! Stripped from the comment thread like it was simply some Constitutional Amendment. Very neighborly, Dave. I think he was afraid of the question. Apparently, my cutting edge journalistic endeavors frighten him.

Well, if you tune in to his Facebook site on 5/29, I will be posting this very question on his site:

Dear Dave,

Here’s another question I never got to ask you in Flagstaff. Was your book When You Are Engulfed in Flames inspired by Michael Jackson or Richard Pryor? Take your time. Oh, and check out my complete grilling of you and your overrated career right here on The Daily Discord.

You’ll have to have near perfect timing, because his Facebook Nazis are fast on the draw. Maybe my next post should be Blogger Seeks Interview. How about an interview with the Discord, Mr. Sedaris? You will be given a fair shake. Or maybe I’ll just boot you off my porch, sending you sailing. Then I will receive an email in about two years asking, “What the fuck was that all about?”

Come on Dave. You don’t want to risk being downgraded to somewhat-near-Zano-level of talent (SNZLoT).

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