So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?

by Ertel • July 30, 2012

Criminals and evildoers the world over: beware! Law abiding citizens: sleep soundly tonight knowing that in your neck-of-the-woods, local criminals (mostly the petty variety like vandals, jaywalkers, and internet pirates) will be taking a healthy dose of justice—justice served with a side-order of spit-talkin’ Dirty Harry style ‘plum mad dog mean’ true grit…I have absolutely no idea what that is even supposed to mean.

Inspired by my recent obsession with Dog the Bounty Hunter, I’ve taken the all-important first step toward becoming a bounty hunter myself. One must prepare mentally for the long road ahead. I’ve committed to things before but, after a brief period of some obsession or another, I usually lose interest in five to seven minutes. I was not about to let this important endeavor, too, become a bona-fide bounty hunter, suffer the same fate. I was in this for the long haul, and I had work to do. I stocked up on water, Twizzlers, and Fun Dip, and sat down for the legally required 45-minute instructional seminar/slide-show entitled, “So you want to be a bounty hunter?”

The first obstacle I would need to overcome was the fact that physically, no matter how hard I sucked in my gut while flexing, I’m just not a very intimidating presence. Me, Mr. Huntin’ that Bounty, comes equipped with all the musculature of a roll of wet paper towels. Anyone who’s ever shaken my hand with even the slightest hint of pressure—after bearing witness to the sobbing and the clutching of my wounded hand—has been known to remark, “Good God…I didn’t even squeeze that hard. He’s like a human Faberge egg” or “I’ve held baby chicks in my hand with more pressure than that!”
Clearly some sort of workout was in order. I chose Zoomba. In retrospect, I shoulda’ picked Tae-Bo or at the very least Pilates. Since me and intense physical activity were clearly NOT on speaking terms, I decided the best defense was a good offense. Why actually “BE” a no nonsense shit-talkin’ bounty hunter, when you can just give off the appearance of one? This also posed a problem for me, because, in addition to not being an intimidating presence, I also have a complete inability to look menacing. No matter how severely I furrow my brow, I still give off the appearance of one searching for his “bounty” …the quicker-picker-upper, er…to wipe the hot sauce from my face after knockin’ down a dozen or so hot wings.

Hey, maybe leather’s the key? So after a trip to the local Harley Davidson store—extremely convenient for ALL of your leather needs—I outfitted myself in a tough looking studded biker’s jacket, a leather pork-pie style cap, and a pair of leather pants. In time these pants would become so pungent with odors, so unspeakable, that I began to question how bikers, completely encased in the skin of dead cattle, could even reproduce at all sitting on a thousand pounds of hot vibrating steel. I came to the conclusion that biker-sperm is probably cultured & incubated by the Harley’s engine. This makes each individual sperm so tough & grizzled that, if you were to gaze at one under a microscope, you could probably see a faint Gregg Allman-style beard on each spermy chin. The pork-pie hat didn’t help either, as it made me look like a fat gay 60’s supermodel Twiggy on her way to Sturgis…that is, if you even want that image burned permanently into your mind. Don’t go there, really. I’m trying to help you out here.

Weapon-wise, I was ill-prepared as well. The only things I own that could come close to being useful in a combat situation with a bail-jumper are a toy sheriff badge, a Walther P-38 (it’s actually the original Megatron) and a container of ground-pepper (to use as mace). I don’t tan well, so I can’t reach the necessary grizzled sun-baked look either, and my hair can only be described as “conservative” at best. Even with all the hair style products in the world, I could not pull off the necessary sweaty pompadour cascade that seems to tell society, “I know you think this hair is hideous, but I simply can’t find the time to care. I’ve got criminals to catch, bitches.” I don’t even own any dangly earrings for Christssakes!

So, with a heavy heart, I gave up my dreams of bounty huntin’ and I suppose it’s just as well. I’m no good with confrontation, what with my innate instinct to curl up into the fetal position and whimper at the first sign of danger. And you can let go of my hand now, sir.

But I will keep you posted if I ever decide to hunt gators, or get into the burgeoning field of rock star/pest control.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even own a studded belt. But she does love the condom.

by Dave Atsals • July 29, 2012

We sure hope not…

by Mick Zano • July 29, 2012

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

by The Ghetto Shaman • July 27, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about “transforming your demons, not fighting them”, you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha’s first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E

Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha’s time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha’s best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don’t be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Alex Bone • July 26, 2012

I’m probably like you, except for my quasi-homelessness, my unusual cravings for chocolate shaped like human body parts, and my history of stalking women whose names don’t begin with vowels. But I’m different in that…I can’t wait for a real zombie plague! Sure skeptics will say this can’t happen, or they’ll list a bunch of ‘scientific evidence’ discounting the possibility. I ignored science in high school and college, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to start paying attention to it now.

Come on, a zombie plague would be great fun. You can shoot everyone you don’t like in the head and all the beer is free! Hell, I can even move into a millionaire’s home on the edge of town like it’s…er, the apocalypse.

So anyway, you can imagine how happy I was to find out that someone had just been mauled and half eaten only a few blocks from where I was bumming beers from Zano. “Sure, sure, Mick, each beer equals another Discord feature. I think I’m in the red until 2017.”

I was just telling him how an order of chicken wings would give me the strength to work late into the night, when this girl came in screaming. First, I thought she was mad at the way Mick was staring at her torn blouse, but then I saw the blood.

“Someone is eating my boyfriend!” she cried.

Sweet!

After Zano and I gave each other big high fives, we pushed all the good Samaritans—treating her for shock—out of the way and demanded she tell us where this attack took place. I had to slap her a few times to get her to tell me where it was. This ticked a few people off, but I said, “Shut the hell up. She’s in shock. Haven’t you seen any old movies? You always slap the hysterical woman.” Some people’s heads are too far up their asses to enjoy the classics. Later I found out that most Adult Protective Services workers don’t seem to watch much AMC either. I hope my probation officer does.

Without further delay, we sprinted to the scene. Worries tugged at my mind. What if a cop kills the guy before he can infect a lot of people and the plague is stopped? What if the zombie has wandered off and we aren’t the first that get to see it? What if not enough people die for us to get that free beer? There had to be a way to make sure things kick into gear.

Then, there it was, larger than life (even though it was hopefully dead) and covered with blood. Yes, a real zombie crouched over the dead guy and he was chowing down on his innards.

Step one: Take loads of pictures.

Step two: Text all my friends.

Step three: Try to grab the guy’s wallet and the zombie’s wallet without being bitten. Hey, beers aren’t free yet.

I got the dead guy’s wallet, but I had attracted its attention and the grizzly blood splattered corpse started coming at me.

“Zano! Zano! I’ll distract it. See if you can grab the zombie’s wallet!”

“What? I’m not doing that!”

“Oh come on, don’t be a wuss.” I kept trying to get him to do it, but then it was too late. The Flagstaff PD showed up and ruined everything. Not only did we not get the extra wallet, but they stopped the whole damn apocalypse by shooting the guy in the head, those bastards. Goody two shoes, sons o’ *&%^*&^*&^*)*!

The local paper later blamed it on “bath salts.” Riiiight. So now we are back in the bar and the zombie only had about forty bucks on him. But he did have some credit cards and I know the girl with the torn blouse is single, but damn it her name begins with an A. Crap.

by Mick Zano • July 25, 2012

Just sayin’…

by Mick Zano • July 24, 2012

New London Connecticut Mistakenly Prepares for Olympics

New London, CT—Mayor Daryl Finizio admitted to a grievous error not seen since Sanjaya’s American Idol championship denial in 2007. I still believe Sanjaya! The town of New London Connecticut accidentally spent 37-million on preparations for the 2012 Summer Olympics. The mistake originated from a single piece of mis-delivered mail. The International Olympic Committee’s letter was sent to the Mayor of New London’s office, instead of its intended recipients in England.

The Post Master General, Biff Lavin, claims, “The letter weighed several ounces over the 42¢ postage limit and may have had the wrong zip code. Either of these factors might have contributed to the delivery error.”

The ill-timed letter discussing the final preparation for the Olympics sent the Mayor of New London into a frenzy of unnecessary preparation. He is now trying to put the best possible spin on events. “The marathon course will make a great skateboard park, or a barcrawl route…or something. The massive mountain created for the mountain biking event could be converted into a smaller mountain…for the purpose of… Look, this state is flatter than Mitt Romney’s emotional range. We need the elevation. If Connecticut smoked all the pot in Mexico, it still wouldn’t get any higher. It makes Kansas look like the friggin’ Swiss Alps,” said Finizio.

The mayor is not commenting on why his city built a 7-million dollar luge track for what is obviously the Summer Olympics, or why he chose the same designer from the deadly debacle in Vancouver in 2010.

“Mistakes were made,” said Finizio. “It’s like the deficit, why are we still counting? You try preparing for the Olympics in two weeks on my MF-ing budget, bitches!”

by The Crank • July 23, 2012

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

It wasn’t planes that brought down the W.T.C. on 9/11, it was Rodan and Mothra. Fracking woke them from their subterranean slumber and now they’re pissed. Only good thing…at least now they’re heading toward Japan.

Bush is the space alien from area 51, and, yes, it IS all his fault. He is not in Texas, as they would have us believe. No one can “clear brush” for that long. He was called back to the Klingon Home World to answer for a failed mission. Just when exactly WAS the last time anyone has seen him?

Atlantis was located off the coast of New Jersey, and it was the largest landfill on Earth. It collapsed under the weight of untold tons of ancient shit. The whole Atlantis theory was an epic sewage fail cover-up by the prehistory Mafia. Even Plato alludes to the fact they built it with substandard rocks.

Justin Beiber is the next Anti-Christ and can only be beaten at the Apocalypse by a shirtless William Shatner. (Who has actually beaten Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Hitler in past Apocalypses, also shirtless)

If you play any Joe Walsh song backwards, it makes perfect sense.

The Most Interesting Man In The World is, in fact, Jewish. (Stay tzameh my friends?) Dos XX was originally called He-Brew.

The Etrade Babies are real!! They actually run Wall Street from tiny offices inside the Bull statue’s testicles…which is somehow fitting.

People who die while filming themselves for ‘Jackass’ all come back as MSNBC employees.

John Boehner is a pothead. Look carefully at him next time. Red, moist eyes, heavy lids, slurred speech, hyper emotional. Oh, and he was last sighted entering a secret area beneath the Capital steps with a copy of the Affordable Care Act, a half eaten bag of potato chips, and a rather large doobie. Much laughter/coughing heard later.

Mohammed reincarnated back as Barney Frank. Paybacks are a beeoch. (Fatwah anyone?)

Ronnie James Dio was an Italian Leprechaun. His rainbow ended at a Pot ‘o’ Sauce.

Donald Trump’s hair is actually a portal to an alternate universe where corporations run everything. Oh, wait, that’s here….

Bigfoot killed Kennedy because he “knew too much.” The grassy knoll was some type of forest sprite that took the rap.

Rupert Murdoch is actually a Ferengi after ear reduction surgery. (Think about it…)

Ozzy Osborne sold his soul to the Devil. It was returned for a manufacturer’s defect. When he does reach and remain indefinitely in purgatory…well, that could make one hell of a reality television show.

Hidden in the Affordable Care Act is a new law making use of the term ‘epic fail’ taxable.

Zombies ARE real. “Attention shoppers and welcome to Wal Mart”

The Supreme Court Justices are naked under their robes, and have secret ties to Grounds Keeper Willy. That’s why they never smile. All except Justice Thomas. He smiles. He has reason to smile.

Primus makes music that has subliminal messages in it that make you dance like an idiot. Try it. You start out looking all cool, then within seconds your arms are flapping and your knees are bowing and you are clucking like a chicken. The military is currently trying to weaponize this technology.

I hope this clears some things up.

The Crank

by Mick Zano • July 21, 2012

Bachmann’s Attack Finally Reaches Fabled "Ass Ceiling"

Washington, DC—Last April, progressive liberals sent director James Cameron on a deep sea mission to explore the depths of Republican hypocrisy. He failed. Having reached Dick Cheney’s moral compass at 35,000 ft, the director and explorer was forced to resurface. Despite a sea of ridiculous statements over the last decade, no attempts from within the Republican Party has ever been made to reel in these right wing extremists…until now.

Cameron said this week, “I could swear just before I started my ascent I saw two crazy eyes staring up at me from the abyss. Now I know who it was.”

This week Michele “crazy eyes” Bachmann missed one too many Risperdal consta injections and started an all out attack on Hillary Clinton’s Muslim aide, Huma Abedine. Despite her very Jewish husband, or evidence of any kind, Bachmann claims she has clear ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Bachmann told reporters, “I don’t understand, I’ve never needed any evidence before?” The Minnesota Congresswoman has no idea why all of a sudden facts matter. “I never got that memo! Don’t you people watch Fox?”

In Bachmann’s defense, navigating the bubble of non-reality called Fox News for so long can actually change brain structure itself. Problems can occur if and when someone attempts to venture back to Earth. During Fox interviews, she would always arrive tablu rasa—in an almost Zen-like state of ideological drivel. When she handed her crayon-scribbled psycho-babble over to one of the show’s producers, they simply recreated it to the best of their ability using some type of computer program, possibly PhotoShop.

Bachmann added, “Besides, Obama’s killing all the really bad Muslims and my McCarthy-esque bigotry and hatred needs to be directed somewhere, bitches.”

OK, in all fairness to the Congresswoman, we added the word ‘bitches’ but it was clearly implied.

by The Ghetto Shaman • July 20, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin’

Dear Stumblin’,

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Cokie McGrath • July 19, 2012

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Cokie McGrath: Thanks for taking the time away from your favorite bar/coffee shop to meet with me today.

Mick Zano: Umm, we’re at my favorite bar/coffee shop.

Cokie MGrath: Imagine that. Hey, it’s a weekday during business hours. Shouldn’t you be working?

Mick Zano: Everyone gets a lunch hour.

Cokie McGrath: It’s 10AM.

Mick Zano: It’s lunch somewhere. I’m worldcentric.

Cokie McGrath: Ec-centric, maybe. Did you know that drinking before noon is one point on the Michigan Alcohol Screening Test? Oh, and if a colleague is worried about your drinking that’s another point.

Mick Zano: Great, I have two points today and it’s not even noon. Where I’m from that’s called a productive morning.

Cokie McGrath: Where’s that, Amsterdam? So my sources tell me you’ve spent at least 80% of the last three years here at the Discord either on the chopping block, or threatening to resign. Is that about right?

Mick Zano: I don’t know where you get your numbers, Cokie. The percentage is much higher than that.

Cokie McGrath: And, if reports about your pot addiction are accurate, so are you.

Mick Zano: If you’ve just come here to insult me…oh, right, that’s the basis of our relationship.

Cokie McGrath: On that note, what is your stance on legalization?

Mick Zano: The War on Drugs is a fiasco. It’s over. By every measure known to man, we’ve lost. It’s been a colossal waste of money. Obama is hinting that, given a second term, he would clean house. He would legalize pot, or at the very least decriminalizing it, which would be a huge boon for the proponents of reason. Half of the War on Drugs would be over with the stroke of a pen.

Cokie McGrath: Are you a pot smoker?

Mick Zano: No. I joke about it on this blog, but I prefer…er, what did you buy me?

Cokie McGrath: Caffeinated booze. Thus my having to pay your tab just to get this interview.

Mick Zano: Yeah, I learned that one from Alex Bone.

Cokie McGrath: So, besides having the police slightly less interested in your closet farm, there are other benefits to legalization?

Mick Zano: Drug cartels would see half their business die overnight and we could tax the shit out of the stuff.

Cokie McGrath: But wouldn’t pot become more prevalent?

Mick Zano: It’s already prevalent (blows a sweet smelling smoke into Cokie’s face). Remember the whole ‘losing the war’ part? Sure there would be a spike in use and then things would settle down to maybe slightly higher than today’s consumption. Spending our treasure and destroying countless lives for a few percentage points is asinine. Would we do that for alcohol?

Cokie McGrath: You did this story for alcohol.

Mick Zano: I’m just saying, we could shift tons of our funds from enforcement to treatment and education, which might actually be useful. And we would just need better equipment to assess DWI levels to keep our roads safe. Besides, legislating morality has never worked.

Cokie McGrath: Sitting next to you, I would agree with that. So why do you think so many people appreciate your work? And by many I mean four.

Mick Zano: I resonate with a small group of Americans…a very small group. The backbone of the Transcosmetic Party involves very little actual backbone.

Cokie McGrath: Umm, four is within the margin of error of zero.

Mick Zano: I’m not a political pundit, I’m a comedian…but, today, comedians have much more insight than our politicians, which is frightening. Basically, I started this party to make a statement.

Cokie McGrath: Sounds more like a cry for help. What exactly is the Transcosmetic Party?

Mick Zano: It’s a reaction to one of the most ridiculous periods of American history, a time when we, through stupidity and shortsightedness, ruined a great country.

Cokie McGrath: OK, Mr. McGloom&Doom so is this the end of the world?

Mick Zano: …as we know it. Our sick version of capitalism is doomed, for sure, which will be a bumpy transition for many. But trying to maintain this consequences be damned, unsustainable level of consumption…umm, it’s just not going to work anymore.

Cokie McGrath: Speaking of going to work, how are you going to return in this state?

Mick Zano: Arizona is a ‘right to drink’ state.

Cokie McGrath: Oh, a livertarian. You paint such a great picture. Is there anything you are optimistic about?

Mick Zano: Well, the Coyotes are starting to play well. Look, losing a little capital around this planet is not the worst thing that could happen. It is to Republicans, of course, because cash is the only thing they understand. I say, stop deporting Mexicans and start deporting Grover Norquist.

Cokie McGrath: You’re going to mention taxes, aren’t you?

Mick Zano: We have a spending problem in this country, not a revenue problem.

Cokie McGrath: Really?

Mick Zano: No, that shit just cracks me up. We obviously have problems with both overspending and revenue generating, but half our country is only allowed to comment on spending. Ironically, it’s the same group that spends too much.

Cokie McGrath: Some would say Obama spends too much.

Mick Zano: True story…avoiding a depression turned out to be rather expensive.

Cokie McGrath: That’s not all he spent money on.

Mick Zano: True, there’s a number of Republican policies that continue to drain the old coffers. Bush is the first President who cut taxes during a war. Republicans aren’t big on actually reading the bill. They tend to order the surf & turf, lecture the waiter about responsibility, and then sneak out through the kitchen. It’s all just selective outrage. Funny how the party of personal responsibility never seems to take any.

Cokie McGrath: In your posts you always seem like a know-it-all to me. Your articles are funny, but the political ones read like “I told you so about this” and “I told you so about that.” What have you gotten wrong?

Mick Zano: Lots. I predicted we’d be amidst a double dip recession two years into Obama’s Administration, but it’s been almost four…

Cokie McGrath: Some would argue the double dip has already started.

Mick Zano: No, it will officially begin some time during the Romney Administration, as God intended. I also underestimated Obama and overestimated the Republicans. I predicted Obama would be a one term president, yet now he might win his re-election even if unemployment hits 20%. Oh, and I hired you as a field reporter. That wasn’t horribly bright.

Cokie McGrath: True story. Is there anything we can glean from Republicans, or Europeans, or Asians, or anyone else on the planet besides you?

Mick Zano: Sure. Asians are a highly advanced race.

Cokie McGrath: Why?

Mick Zano: Both genders tend to pee sitting down. It’s a real game changer. Of course, if we improve our bathroom hygiene, we could lose thousands of custodial jobs.

Cokie McGrath: Out-house sourcing?

Mick Zano: OMG? Really?

Cokie McGrath: So where does your anger come from, besides your inability to attract women?

Mick Zano: I’m certainly angry with the gross incompetence and greed inherent in the system. We’re all angry, but I would just prefer it if people at least tried to understand how we got here rather than always defending the indefensible.

Cokie McGrath: Like in a few minutes when I tell the bartender, I’m sorry, he’s usually not like this at home…

Mick Zano: Sort of.

Cokie McGrath: What’s the Right getting wrong?

Mick Zano: You mean, besides everything? George Bush was our worst president ever and Obama will likely rate mediocre. Does that match their rhetoric today? They’re trying to revise history by forever repeating falsehoods. And it’s working! You watch, in ten years W will be Reagan and in twenty years Reagan will have parted the Red Sea and brought some stone tablets down from Mt. Sinai. Hell, Reagan wasn’t even Reagan; they just make shit up. I just saw a thing on Facebook today, “click here if you miss President Bush.” Two million people clicked on that shit!

Cokie McGrath: Did you click it?

Mick Zano: Well, yeah, I’m a comedian. The Discord was only around for a short time during the Bush years. It’s sad really…all that lost material.

Cokie McGrath: Does some of the blame rest on the Dem side of the aisle?

Mick Zano: Certainly. I’ve always said they’re about 35% of the problem, but I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong…it’s probably more like 36%.

Cokie Mcgrath: Proportionately, you don’t spend 36% of your time razzing Dems. Are you defending the indefensible?

Mick Zano: Maybe. But how is Obama actually screwing up? Who’s covering the real stories? The Left won’t cover it and the Right, hell, every news cycle Fox News feed us endless plumes of methane emissions…frankly, that’s our job. Their biggest scandal is the Fast & Furious. Really? Sure that could have huge implications for our Attorney General, but for Obama? Even if the whole thing is true I don’t think it would rate anywhere near Bush’s top ten scandals. Oh my, a gun running program which occurred under the last several administrations finally went awry. Imagine that. Yet Fox News has become the Fast & Furious channel. They peddle 24 hours of conspiracy theories that even Agent Mulder would roll his eyes at.

Cokie McGrath: The Fox is out there! So what’s the bottom line?

Mick Zano: A really cool club down in the Village, but I think it closed. Bush should have represented the Republicans bottoming-out phase. You know, when they start hallucinating, stop forming coherent thoughts, and then throw up some blood. Then, in a moment of lucidity, stagger over to political rehab. But nothing happened! They started believing the hallucinations and thought the blood was just all the kool aid they drank. They are becoming even less insightful, which shouldn’t even be possible! I believe this horrible fact is the story within the story of our time.

Cokie McGrath: If you could stuff a dirty sock in someone’s mouth, whose would it be?

Mick Zano: Everything out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth is a lie or based on a false assumption. But we have a first amendment, so I’d rather go all second amendment on his ass.

Cokie McGrath: When you start threatening to shoot people, I think it’s time to get you back to work.

Mick Zano: I’m a pacifist…just one prone to violence.

Cokie McGrath: Makes sense. I think we should do this again….without me. Oh, and sorry, sir, he’s not usually like this at home.

by Pierce Winslow • July 18, 2012

by Mick Zano • July 17, 2012

Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous “Richard Dryfuss incident.”

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26^th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1^st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16^th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species…but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

by Dave Atsals • July 16, 2012

Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

Peeing in a mop bucket on a sales floor is not permitted and will not be tolerated in the future.
Peeing outside on a dumpster with people loading up flooring in clear view is not acceptable either. If you must, use the mop bucket. (OK, I added that last part.)
Asking a customer if their breasts are real or slightly cosmetically altered is grounds alone for termination as it clearly violates our sexual harassment policy.
Making up your own names for carpet products will no longer be tolerated. You must start calling them by their proper names. For example, no referring to “spring mist carpet” as summer’s eve hump.” Similarly, “magic fresh carpet” should not be referred to as “anti-stink” or “hung under your armpits.”
Asking customers if they will keep you if you follow them home, and to feel how hard your eraser is, will no longer be tolerated moving forward. Neither is making cow or pig noises behind the back of our slightly overweight patrons.

I wish I could say I was making this up, but those who know me understand it’s all part of a complex and difficult-to-treat personality disorder. Or at least that’s what that shrink-wanna-be, Zano, keeps telling me.

I then explained my side of the story, point by point, in reverse order:

5. Yes, I am really sorry about the pig noises. The oink stops here. But the fact is these people were not slightly overweight, but morbidly obese and often dressed as if this fact were news to them. Hell, a few even smelled bad. What do they expect?

4. I already apologized for making up my own names for your carpets, but quite frankly your names suck. I cannot look that 6’6″ man in the eye and tell him that carpet named “Teddy Bear” would be a great fit for him.

3. If she did not want a comment on her breasts, she shouldn’t have been flopping them around in my face. This isn’t a ‘blame the victim’ thing, it’s a blame the surgeon thing. Did you see those puppies?

2. I am sorry for taking a leak outside, but trust me Billy Bob did not mind. He told me earlier they had no running water at their house so I was trying to make him feel more at home—just as you instruct me to. And, yes Mr. Billy Bob, I am sorry your wife saw my manhood, but that wasn’t the first time, so relax.

1. Well, I guess there was no excuse for this, but it was funny as hell! Ask anyone. Except the victims, of course.

The head of HR was not really impressed with my answers for some reason and a lecture ensued. She stated, “Dave these are not the only things you’ve done to jeopardize your employment. Just your general day to day attitude needs an adjustment for you to continue working here. There will be no more standing still with a sign in your hand like a manikin and yelling “BOOOO!” to scare customers. You also really upset that older women when you told her she better buy today, because it didn’t look like she’ll be around much longer. Switching the men and women signs on restroom so the male owner walks in on two women using the stalls…well, let’s just say, not that good at all.”

Because of all this I would like to stay in front of the curve and get a jump on any new employment prospects. My resume is all ready posted on this website. Now I had better get back to work. There’s a fat woman with fake tits heading to the restroom. If I change the signs before the owner gets out of the men’s room. Heh, heh…it will be a real classic if he took his blue pill this morning.

by Mick Zano • July 14, 2012

American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a “romp of humiliation” or “entertainment for the asses,” has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, “We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something.”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!” McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

“It’s called capitalism,” said McGrath. “It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?”

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

by The Ghetto Shaman • July 13, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID

Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don’t want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • July 11, 2012

Tomkat downgraded to Scatkat

by The Crank • July 10, 2012

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of “floundering” as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole “healthy” thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes…or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

Then, after finally reaching the edge of the pool under methane power alone (which is great fun), I proceed to remove my protuberant posterior from its watery retreat and hit the lounge chair to dry off…which in AZ takes about three minutes. Then I always get chilled, “Shit, it’s cold.” As I look at the backyard thermometer the absurdity of the situation comes into frightening clarity. It’s 104°. The water was nearly 90°.

I’m cold? Kill me now, dear lord, as I have truly become just what I have dreaded for so long. I’m officially an old Arizonian. I can remember when I was in my thirties, on Lawn-Guyland, in the winter. If it was over 40°, I was in short sleeves. No problem. I worked in a refrigerated room for almost 27 years! I always went fishing on St. Patrick’s Day, when it was usually a balmy 45° with a stiff wind and stiff drink. And, when it passed 70°, I was in danger of breaking the local public nudity ordinances.

I am standing by my pool with a towel wrapped around my shoulders, freezing. It’s 104°! The term “WTF?” doesn’t begin to capture how I am feeling. As my feet become one with the now glowing-hot cool deck around my pool—a misnomer of the highest order—I have goose bumps on my arms. It’s like not knowing whether to shit or drink Drano. It’s not for lack of body hair, as I am a true ethnic Itralyun gorilla (see picture above). I am also not without the obligatory self-insulation (aka, body fat).

So what exactly IS the fuck, as it were? Am I sick? No. Have I somehow managed to transport the upper half of my body to the arctic, whilst leaving the lower half in Hellazona? No. I am just getting old. And that, my friends, sucks Burro beganga.

As I look at my reflection in the sliding glass door, with flames coming off my feet and icicles hanging off my chin, I am truly mortified. Next I’ll be exchanging my Metallica CDs for Sinatra! Will my Ram pickup magically change into a Buick LeSabre while I sleep? Am I destined to smell like an ‘old person’? Dinner at 4? Will I….(gulp) GOLF? I shudder to think of the string of atrocities yet to befall me…

I’m just a little cold, that’s all. Yeah, that’s it. Just a smidge of those chronological blues. I’m not heading for the great Bingo hall at the rec. center, right?

Or is this the way it all begins?

But I’m not ready…not ready by a long shot. I will fight! I will not go gently into that evil night. Time to play Nothing Else Matters on Spinal Taps’ level ‘11’ and maybe I’ll sneak out into the woods and throw a kegger. Ah…no woods, just the saguaro wastelands…and it’s a little hot and cold today. Maybe tomorrow. Now, where’s my fucking sweater?!

Cranky tip for today: Diesel smoke makes a very good Prius repellent.

Crank

by Mick Zano • July 10, 2012

Higgs-Boson Particle Reveals New 10 Commandments!

Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence… I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit…too kinky.
Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.