Ask The Ghetto Shaman

by The Ghetto Shaman • October 26, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said “primitive” and “savage” I got a little wood.

by Mick Zano • October 25, 2012

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Why is the Right so dangerous? A few things come to mind:

Blind support for oil, coal, and nuclear, because there’s always going to be one Koch Brother funded climatologist (KBFC? We do climate Right?). Blind support for the Patriot Act or even Martial Law, because it’s about freedom. Blind support for the dismantling of our entitlement programs, because it’s about personal responsibility, right Mr. Paraplegiasky? Blind support for the job creators, as the HR director escorts you from the premises. Blind support for the privatization of prisons, as they escort you to your cell. I’m going to stop now…don’t think for a second that’s even a fraction of my beefs with this bunch.

I don’t understand their ideology. And, if you’re going to have such views, why not champion the best parts? At this rate the GOP will never elect some Randian John Galt type; they’re going elect Gordon Gekko’s retarded brother. They protect and back the sociopaths of our society. They’re going to get completely screwed on this deal and, worse yet, so are the rest of us.

Did you listen to the debates? Again, it wasn’t so much the content—there wasn’t any. But the coverage was the story. After the 1st debate the anchors on MSNBC admitted Obama lost. He didn’t lose on facts, of course, because Romney didn’t provide any. But the Left still acknowledged the winner, clearly and decisively. Andrew Sullivan over on The Dish even had a complete live-blogging meltdown and, ever since, he’s only managed to intermittently post sad face emoticons. Cheer up, buddy.

But how can you give a creep like Romney such a free pass? Over the last three debates, Biden destroyed Ryan and Obama dominated the last two, but Fox News apparently missed that memo (Rove Determined to Strike U.S. Reality?).

Crap. I have a retraction to make. I said team Obama would win all four debates. In my defense, I thought Obama would have the decency to show up for that first one.

The Fox News formula is pretty obvious:

Republican wins debate = Republican Wins Big!!!

Republican ties debate = Republican Wins Big!!

Republican loses debate = Republican Wins Big! Moderator sucked

If you think Fox is news, I have some news for you… This is yet another reason why they’re the reigning journalistic joke of our time. A lot of people, even Bill Maher, are starting to get on MSNBC’s case, yet Fox, the greatest offender, goes unchecked by their own misinformed masses. A functional policing mechanism still exists on the Left. It’s called cognition. And I hope that will keep them from sinking to Fox News levels.

The Obama Administration is simply not capable of being as cynical, unprincipled, and as unscrupulous as team Romney. As for the VP debate, the fact checkers attributed 11 questionable statements to Biden and 11 to Ryan. A tie. Of course, that makes them both two digit midgets, but it’s still not really a tie. Biden made 3 to 4x as many overall points. Ratio’s matter. And, whereas most of the fact checking on the Left showed partially true statements, the right always dominates the “pants on fire” level bull shit.

So the least factual spiel from the Dems, by Dr. Verbosity himself, still had waaaay more facts. On the Democrats worst day, there is still more substance. I’m not giving a pass to Biden. He said two or three things that I think he knew were lies. Of course, that can be applied to any time Romney or Ryan opened their mouths. But it doesn’t go unnoticed…er, the way everything seems to on the Right.

The 2nd Presidential Debate:

Not as good as Brokefact Mountain

See? Get your real news on a proper comedy site.

This post-truth spin-cycle has reached absurd levels. That’s why I’ve been covering this story for so long. The story’s not the fact that Biden schooled Ryan, it’s the fact that lies are the new norm. According to many on the Right, Ryan is their “smart” guy. He’s the man with the answers. In the immortal words of Chris Mathews, “HAH!”

How many facts did he offer? Few. How many viable economic solutions did he offer? None. What a joke. I love it when someone on the Right says “math matters”. That’s like Gallagher standing up for watermelon rights.

The Romney Administration represents the completion of a post-truth world. Politics have never been as openly dishonest in my lifetime. The Right is no longer even trying to make any real arguments and I am concerned the Left will follow suit. MSNBC is following the money toward Fox’s tactics and, if reality is truly passé, the Left will follow the Right. Why shouldn’t they? If lies win elections, what would stop them? These are politicians, not choir boys. They’ll do what works.

Outside the bubble, other countries are not going keep honoring our currency without movement toward some semblance of fiscal responsibility. The dollar is in jeopardy, as is our collective future. And the last thing we need right now is another no-tax and spend conservative.

Republicans have a point, I just haven’t figured out what it is. Their list of Obama atrocities fall into three general categories:

1. I don’t care

Gay marriage, bowing to other world leaders, portraying weakness, offering more insurance options to women, etc, etc, etc…

As for Obama’s “bowing” moments, that was just a ploy to pick pocket each world leader’s pants. His European tour salvaged some scraps of dignity and credibility for our nation. The fact remains he never actually apologized. He simply convinced the world a competent person had assumed command and, as a direct result, our favorability in 2009 rose in 24 countries (very significantly according to a Pew research poll). Actually, I think he needed to apologize more clearly for the actions of his predecessor. After all, he’s a war criminal.

2. Lies

Snubbing Israel, links to the Muslim Brotherhood, rooting against small businesses, weak of foreign policy and, of course, Obama is a socialist and the most liberal president ever!

The history books will overall praise his foreign policies and they’ll say he governed pragmatically, sadly, slightly to the right of Reagan.

“Even as the president has decried the hollowing out of the middle class, the fortunes of labor and capital have diverged on his watch. Quarterly corporate profits of $1.9 trillion have almost doubled since the end of 2008, while workers’ inflation- adjusted average hourly earnings have declined.”

—David J. Lynch

If he’s a socialist, he’s a pretty lousy one. Meanwhile, the GOP moves so far to the right it might trigger a magnetic pole reversal (poll reversal? Musrassen?).

“When you see an unexpected and sharply upward trend in inequality and want to accelerate it some more, you have ceased to be a conservative.”

—Andrew Sullivan

3. Then comes my personal favorite, the GOP’s only truth. The lengthy list of less than stellar economic news

Poor unemployment rates, slow economic growth, high deficits (mostly attributed to Republican policies) and the collapse of the middle-class.

This is their entire argument and it’s a good one…er, if you have no idea how we got here. This list of atrocities can all be summarized as, wow, it does take a lot of work to clean up after a Republican. Review Clinton’s speech at the Convention. No one questioned any of his arguments and he dismantled the GOP’s economic world. Meanwhile, the stock market had one of the best recoveries in history under Obama. In fact, Wall Street prefers Republicans despite history. I still think our recovery is imaginary, but…

“It’s often said that Wall Street prefers Mitt Romney to Mr. Obama, Mr. Hickey observed, yet the stock market has flourished under the president — and under Democratic presidents generally. Since 1900, it has returned 7.1 percent annually when Democrats have occupied the White House, and only 3 percent under Republicans.”

—Jeff Sommer The New York Times

This is a Zano prediction chart I’ve touted on this site since its inception, and it will prove accurate…well, if Romney’s elected. Obama still has only about 50% chance of avoiding a double dip recession during his 2^nd term. Romney has about a 10% chance…and that’s being kind.

I will never understand today’s Republicans, especially given their consistent my-brain-has-been-deprived-of-oxygen-for-several–minutes version of on any given topic.

“What the current movement right fails to get (but the left understands all too well) is that Obama is a moderate Republican president, and the polarization of the past three years has been a function almost entirely of the GOP’s decision from 2008 on to oppose, obstruct and destroy a presidency that represented – and still represents – a massive rebuke to their extremism and failure this past decade.”

—Andrew Sullivan

by Pierce Winslow • October 24, 2012

by Mick Zano • October 23, 2012

Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

“We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high,” warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this “it’s not what you say, but what they hear” steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. “It’s remarkable,” said Luntz, “I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange…even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies…even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’”

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, “This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!”

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

by Alex Bone • October 22, 2012

Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).

Mitt Romney said, “For too long the domicile-impaired have lived in our refrigerator boxes without paying a dime of rent. This shifts more of the burden unnecessarily, and quite unfairly, to the one percent. And some of my friends can’t even afford another car elevator these days. Think about that for a minute. No, my fellow Americans, the wealthiest can’t pay another dime, or we won’t even be able to hire someone to operate said car elevator. But what about the poorest one percent? Shouldn’t they pay just a little more for the greater good?”

Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ campaign manager, Vincent Drake, said “Once Romney is elected his five point strategy will shift some of the revenue generation back to those who haven’t been earning their keep. First these bums will have to prove how they have been eating, where they are sleeping, and most importantly where they are dropping their loads.”

Romney shared the details of his Operation Cardboard Box with reporters today:

All Dumpster-dived food will be re-taxed. The poor are still getting a great deal, but we’ll get some much needed revenue. For too long they have gotten by on food that has only been taxed once. This ends this January. If you eat it, you will be taxed. I’m thinking of calling it a regurgitax.
Park Benches, shanty towns, and squats of all kinds will now be rented. These will remain very low rents as we’re not trying to be unreasonable here. We’re certainly not looking for anyone to have to downgrade to newspapers.
There will be a small fee for newspaper blankets as well, because otherwise folks might move out of their spacious refrigerator boxes just to avoid their civic responsibilities. And I won’t have it!
All public defecation will be taxed. Yes, this used to be illegal, but our hearts are going out to these poor bastards. Instead of tossing them in jail, there will now be a fee for relieving yourself in public. We are thinking about 25¢ per pee and for a deuce we will be looking for a cool buck…or a hot and steamy buck, I suppose. We all know how much the homeless drink, so this could make great strides toward relieving the burden on our defecate…er, our defishit…oh, you get the idea.
I am so excited about my fifth point, but I can’t tell you about it until after the election, but believe me the slacking 47% won’t know what hit them.

In closing, the Romney Campaign promised to hold all Americans accountable, “Because how are we going to be able to engage in an unnecessary war every few years unless all Americans are willing to pull their weight? Urine alone can get us mired in another land war in Syria or Iran. Talk about a trickledown theory. If I get my way, the shit is going to hit the Iran,” said Romney.

by Pierce Winslow • October 21, 2012

Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?

by Mick Zano • October 20, 2012

St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room.”

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

“Hey, it worked with fluoride,” said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

by The Ghetto Shaman • October 19, 2012

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says “updated Fridays” on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe

Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage…and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It’s kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it’s half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

by Pierce Winslow • October 17, 2012

Not as good as Brokefact Mountain

by Ertel • October 15, 2012

It started off like any other grocery store excursion, but I had spent the week leading up to this trip in preparation. Long, sleepless nights spent staring intently at a blank notepad, a pencil resting uselessly by its side. Frustration builds up quickly when you’re in a creative rut. I suppose I was no different from my writing forefathers: Hemingway, Wilde, even Danielle Steele got their creative wheels stuck in the mud now and again. But I knew inspiration would come. And it did. Oh, did it…

Soon, my empty page was full of ideas, which I had honed down to a razor-sharp comedic timing. Rough lumps of comedy were honed to fine, crystalline diamonds. Now these witty gems only needed the perfect setting. I knew where to put the jokes in, I knew what jokes I wanted to use. Heck, I even cut material that on another week would have made the grade. When my masterpiece was finished, I had the material that THEY would remember me by.

I’m a comedian. But I don’t work the circuits, and I don’t do open-mic nights at PJ’s Chucklehut, or the Laff Emporium. I’ve got a racket all my own, and I aim to keep it that way.

So I decided to work the checkout lines at the grocery store. These were my people.

Oh sure, my sets are only as long as it takes the cashier to ring me up, but boy… I leave ‘em laughing every time. And I’d imagine the cashier thinks quietly to herself during her pre-designated ten-minute break, “Geez, that guy was on FIRE today! A regular Gallagher, minus the senseless destruction of fruit. God, I wonder WHAT he’ll come up with next week!” She’s was already a fan…hell, even Ray Charles could see that.

This week, I had my A material. I figured I’d start light with some easy observational humor. Checkout lines are FULL of low hanging observational fruit just waiting to be plucked and devoured. Maybe I’ll work in a few sight gags with my grocery items (a la Carrot Top). I mean, why ELSE would I buy a can of whipped cream, a bunch of banana and a box of condoms?! Or a 30-pack of Coors Light, a jar of Vaseline and a rather large cucumber? Well, I don’t want to talk about it.

Then, when I had them in the palm of my hand, that’s when I’d spring it on them. Bam! Topical humor: “Geez, what is up with Obama these days?! I mean, come on!”

I actually don’t have a joke prepared for this… I get my news from The Daily Discord, so I think he’s battling some type of cough medicine addiction or something. Still, this would be the set they would remember me by. Other lines would become my positive reviews. I could hear them talking about me long after I’d left. This was to be my Citizen Kane!

“Hi… you find everything okay?” Debra asked me.

Way to serve up that softball, Debra. You’re about to be part of comedic histo–”

Then I hear, “Oprah Magazine, huh?! Every time I come in here, she’s on the cover! Is she really that egotistical?!”

“Who said that?!” I thought to myself. “It’s brilliant! Why didn’t I ever notice that before?!”

“And what is up with all these rag mags?! Bigfoot spotted on top of Loch Ness Monster with Elvis?! Who reads this crap?!”
This son-of-a-bitch was barging in on my act! And worse than that, he was doing a damn good job of it, too! I craned my head over the candy rack separating lanes 5 and 6 to see who was performing. Apparently, I wasn’t alone on the checkout-line comedy circuit. But I booked this gig weeks ago!

I became flushed with panic and started grasping at straws: “What is up with that hairdo, Debra… Oh no, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry. No no, I wasn’t insulting you… Fuck me! Oh no… I don’t mean you Debra, not literally… look, what… where… Paper or plastic… save a plastic tree?” Ugh! God! I’m bombing, and I can’t stop the freefall! I feel like Obama at that last debate.

“Would you like a bag?” she asked him.

And, with perfect comedic timing, he replied, “Oh no, I left her at home!” Bam!

“You son of a bitch!” I cried, as I lunged over the candy rack between our lanes. “This was MY time! I was supposed to be the star!” In a murderous rage, I picked up a giant jar of pickles and brought them down repeatedly on his hea…
After the trial and the sentencing (14 to 30 years, if you’re wondering), I did a lot of soul searching. And finally, I decided to give up my dreams of comedic stardom. Daily mouth rapings will do that to a fella.

I still observe things in my own weird little way, though. Sometimes I even get a chuckle out of my cellie, but mostly I keep them to myself. After all, it’s kinda hard to talk with your mouth full.

by Mick Zano • October 13, 2012

Live Free or Diet! The War on Taste Buds

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. “They make wonderful projectiles,” said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as “stale multi-grain slabs of blandness.” Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, “We want our old bread back!”

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, “None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea.”

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, “Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge.”

One 9^th grader told reporters, “They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no.”

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, “No options are off the table…well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • October 12, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls

Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3^rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

by Mick Zano • October 10, 2012

Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)

by Mick Zano • October 9, 2012

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, “Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case.”

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

“Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate,” said Obama. “Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly.”

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

“Just sayin’,” said Obama, “that was some crazy ass shit.”

by Alex Bone • October 8, 2012

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

When asked to elaborate on this new strategy, Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ lead, Vincent Drake, had this to say: “We aren’t pulling any tricks here. These are all registered undead voters. If you’re a registered voter and you can pull the lever, then you can vote. We have had some issues with limbless zombies or some losing their hands in the machine, but that’s the price we’re willing to pay to save this country for the wealthiest one percent.”

When asked if voter I.D. laws will negatively impact the zombie vote, Drake replied, “Yeah, most of them don’t have wallets, let alone picture I.D. And, being dead an all, it would be hard to tell if you have the same person anyway. Hell, some may even accidentally vote for Obama. It’s not perfect, but we do hope some liberal voters will be eaten in the process. Then guess who they’re voting for?”

The Obama campaign is hitting back with their, Operation Head Shot, which aims to eliminate some of these Republican supporters.

Romney’s camp responded to that program today. “That’s voter suppression at its worst. It’s just like you leftist tree hugging, welfare mom loving, gay sex having, drug taking, anti-firearm scum! The undead have rights too, you prejudiced bastards. It’s always Breathers First with you people. You’re discriminating against decomposers! You liberals make me sick…right down to my exposed and dangling entrails.”

The Romney campaign is denying allegations they’re raising more of the dead to increase voter turnout.

“We aren’t using any necromancy, if that’s what you’re implying,” said Drake. “After all, Romney only has a few dozen necromancers on the payroll. Obama is probably too good to hire wizards who fiddle with dead bodies, which again proves he’s prejudice against the Life-Impaired.”

All of the undead from Vampires to Zombies apparently love Romney. Think of all the things they have in common:

They both don’t care about human rights.
Neither group wants to waste precious tax dollars keeping people alive through healthcare.
Undead never get abortions.
Zombies may rise out of their grave, but they’ll never raise your taxes.
Both are soulless.
Romney cannibalizes businesses for money, while zombies just cannibalize.
Like the super-rich, vampires drain the life out of the living and leave them a weak impoverished husk.
Much like Republicans, the undead love a nice drawn out war, “mmm, battlefield victims.”
Both use only the primitive reptilian parts of the brain.
Both advocate for mindless consumerism.

Local stalwart, Jack Primus, had this to say, “Romney sucks the life out of everything he touches and he wants to leave our country a desolate wasteland, where the uber-rich hide in gated communities while the rest of us fight for scraps. Every election cycle the Republicans present worse and worse candidates. I thought no one could be dumber or fouler than W, but then Palin reared her diabolical head. Now Romney makes her look like a philanthropist who takes in orphans during food drives. What next Jeffrey Dahmer 2016! Soylent Green in every pot!”

So, as you can see, the Romney campaign might just be getting the shot in the arm they need and just like Reanimator their election hopes could be rising from the dead to take a big bite out of Obama’s chances.

by Pierce Winslow • October 7, 2012

Will the Count lose his castle? “I’m 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah.”

by Mick Zano • October 5, 2012

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the “Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s” request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Initially, I drove right past the event and misinterpreted the bus logo as Tea Party Espresso. This is Flagstaff, after all, and a big bus selling caffeinated goodness is going to be very popular here in Little Seattle. I almost stopped, but the line seemed waaay too long. Then it struck me a short time later…holy shit, The Tea Party Express! Ohhhh, not cappuccino, just a crap machino. Not an Americano, but a ‘Mericano, not a…I’m being told to stop.

(Please see my Manurechiato joke in the director’s cut of this post. Oh, and my Iced Dirty Lie Latte. Okay, I’m steeping…er, stopping. Thanks for allowing me to venti.)

So I grabbed my camera and headed back down the hill. I wasn’t going to be donning my chauffer’s cap for awhile so why not get away from all of my Earthly concerns and enter ‘The Bubble’. I arrived about halfway through the festivities. Great, an hour left. Two words, Mr. Winslow, hazard pay.

About 100+ people were in attendance when I arrived. This Real America love fest was being held in the parking lot of a local car dealership, McCoy Motors. So I immediately asked one of the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ peeps, “Umm, did you know there’s an Occupy meeting over at Hatfield Honda and they’re looking to come over here to start trouble?” No response. I also asked someone if the GOP was trying to court the used car salesman vote? Okay, I was going to need to start behaving myself. After all, I was the only sandal wearing, jeans wearing, hairy guy in attendance. I didn’t have a cowboy hat, I didn’t have an oxygen tank, and I didn’t have an American flag tattooed to my forehead…I stuck out like an independent thought.

Folks like these can smell an ‘occupier’ a mile away. Hey, cut us some slack, we rarely have access to shower facilities. I looked around. None of my friends were there. Imagine that? This was like that Charlie Daniel’s concert last month on steroids. Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

From then on I behaved. I had to. I did make some involuntary sounds when obvious nonsense was being peddled. So, yeah, I kind of sounded like I a rattlesnake with gastritis. Don’t Fart On Me? A couple of people gave me dirty looks when I ssth, or phsffft, or I occasionally coughed ‘bullshit’ under my breath.

When I arrived this blond chick was on stage (photo above). She was busy telling the crowd, “Some of you may be thinking of voting for a third party this year, well, let me tell you something, no third party candidate has ever been elected. This country has never elected a third party candidate and we never will. It’s always been a Republican or a Democrat and, when I go into that booth, I can whole heartedly support and endorse Republican candidate, Mitt Romney!”

What a disgusting view. There will never be a viable third party in this country? Oh, that’s right, they don’t believe in evolution. Funny, if they could only see themselves thumping their chests after her speech…then maybe. Republicans in the Mist?

So this group that should have opted to become a third party is now announcing the utter impossibility of anything other than Dumb or Dumber forever. Romney/Ryan 2012: No Hope, No Change, No Chance? Hasn’t she ever heard of the Transcosmetic Party? And what about the Whig Party? They elected a couple of presidents, didn’t they? So it’s not entirely unpresidented. Sorry.

Then that blond chick did something I’ll never forget as long as I live. She pointed to me and made this strange guttural sound. It was kind of like the end of that Donald Sutherland version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only creepier. Then I was wrestled into the bus and forced to watch endless episodes of Fox & Friends Clockwork Orange-style, until my IQ sank like the global economy on supply-side economics.

Okay that didn’t happen. In fact, the last sequence was inspired by our last Crank feature, here . But she did say, “It’s time to send Barack HUSSIEEN Obama back to Chicago.” See how it’s spelled wrong? She said it spelled wrong. I don’t know how she did that, but she managed. Then she railed on the Dems for taking out the words “God-Given” from their platform and then she sang a song about how Tea Partiers are not all stupid racists during a song that sounded…umm, never mind. One verse warned ‘Merica that we were quickly becoming the U.S.S.A (Hint: the other S was not—like in that mattress commercial—for Savings). Soros? Societal elite? Sodomites? Smart?

Wow, what a magical evening. No really, it was a delicate blend of magical thinking and bullshit (magical stinking?). The best things in life ARE Free! When I saw Bill Maher live in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, he said the Republican Party should change their symbol from the elephant to the unicorn. Nice one, Bill. I only caught his show because, upon leaving McMullen’s, I saw this marquee over at The Orleans. I think there’s a lesson in there for everyone. I’m just not exactly sure what that lesson would be.

Then the bus driver for the Tea Party Express himself greeted his adoring fans. He’s apparently like their Otto man, minus the headphones, the long hair, or the illicit substances. “Hey, Bart, dude!” So Otto man, apparently named Ray, came out and yelled, “It’s great to be here in New….

Without missing a beat, someone in the audience yelled “JERSEY!!!”

That someone was me. Heh, heh. No one laughed. I thought it was hysterical. It was the only bit of levity in an otherwise completely inane group of songs and speeches better suited for the children’s fantasy section of my local bookstore. The Dragon Liars of Palin? The Lyin’, the Bitch, and the Dogma? That was by B.S. Lewis, right?

Ray apologized—he must have meant New Mexico—but he chalked up the gaffe to the already long road trip. I can only imagine. What a wrong deranged trip it’s been? I’m a grateful Dem, myself. Then he asked all of us Jersians to do three important things:

Talk to everyone we know to make sure they vote for Romney (I already do that. I’m a comedian).
Pray Obama loses this November or gets hit by a meteorite (the last part was implied).
Fill up this red pail of discourage with cash (which he then waved around meaningfully). This was important, not so much to get Romney elected, but to fill the tank and get us all some much needed beer and chicken wings (the last part was implied).

Then we were all asked to yell, as loud as we could, “We don’t believe in fairies. We don’t, we don’t!!”

And then we stoned a young man wearing a Will & Grace T-shirt to death. It was a truly barbaric act. I just pretended to throw stones to fit in. Really. That was the most honest and accurate part of the evening’s festivities. It all went downhill from there.

Meanwhile, my Congressional district 1 Representative wannabe, Jonathon Paton, took the mic and said:

“I never thought I would live to see the day an American President would bow to other country’s leaders. I never thought I would live to see the day government ran our healthcare system. I never thought I would live to see the day a Muslim socialist fuckwad would be telling our troops what to do!”

Did I mention this part was paraphrased? But you get the idea….this group doesn’t have any. The whole event can be summarized thusly: a watered down version of a Fox News talking point. It was as if someone only had access to Sean Hannity’s noble words from the kitchen, while doing the dishes, on Oxycontin (Oxycontin clean? Sorry Billy). Yep, it was Fox minus all of their usual, er…substance. Think about that for a minute. So you’re saying they had less facts than their candidates, Zano? Is that even possible? Actually, it was about what I expected. How could it be otherwise? Truth trickles down…well, if you start with some. They handed out a flyer listing all of Obama’s failings and broken promises, which can be summarized roughly as:

“Obama has not been able to totally undo the damage of our past voting records…yet.”

It’s disturbing to see, first hand, the damage Fox News has done to these otherwise wonderful god-fearing folks. To think of all the great things these people could have done with their time, like watch Justice Jeanine on Fox News (I’m getting to that). Somehow the bat-shit Right has managed to turn a political rally into a church group, Facebook Meetup from hell. But, then again, it was kind of fun stoning that fag. So it wasn’t a complete loss.

It’s amazing how they can rattle off a whole list of “apocalyptic” things that I don’t give a shit about. I think this faction of our society should all be handed last week’s Newsweek article President Obama: The Democrats’ Ronald Reagan.

Sorry, this is closer to what the history books are going to say. Of course, Obama’s a tad more fiscally conservative than Reagan and a lot smarter, but you get the idea. As for what the Tea Party believes, frankly, that only exists in a world of their own making (Romnia? I prefer to live in Zanodu, which is Never-Never Bland. I do believe in stoning fairies! I do, I do!).

I thought about interviewing a few people, but what would be the point? I know how they think, or, in their case, don’t think. I can answer every question for them. Fox News has already assimilated every misinformed, all-or-none thinker into some sort of Hee Haw Borg. Persistence is fruitful? It worked for Goebbels.

I actually went home rather depressed. Why hadn’t the Tea Party seized that independent vein of our country? Why hadn’t they done something meaningful with their angst? Why were they aligning themselves with the terminally wrong brigade? What the hell were they smoking? I smelled nothing in the air, save the Big John’s Texas BBQ truck parked out back. Yes, the air was full of the spicy hot smell of freedom.

Then I get home and the girls still hadn’t called. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done on a Saturday night…I turned on Fox News. I just had to find some closure. I only had about ten minutes until my daughter insisted on turning on J.K. Rowling and the Goblet of Royalties. I usually focus on prime time Fox News bullshit, but there I was turning on something called Justice Jeanine. Here’s a woman you wouldn’t normally find outside of a Bachmann rally. Again, this is paraphrased, if you want real journalistic integrity turn on Comedy Central:

Justice Jeanine: The Middle East is on fire and Obama and is siding with the Muslims over Israel!

Guest: Yeah, but Obama did kill Bin Laden and most of al-Qaeda’s top leadership.

Justice Jeanine: Who cares?

That’s when I shut it off….after about thirty seconds of her scholarly wisdom. Who cares? That part isn’t paraphrased. She really said that. Who cares? Okay, umm, who cares we nailed the top leadership of Al-Qaeda as well as possibly the single most culpable individual for the death of over 3,000 Americans on American soil. And wasn’t a Republican in charge when 9/11 happened? So the worst Al-Qaeda can do today is attack one dude in an embassy during a vacuum of power in friggin’ Libya? But that’s worse than 9/11…really? So it was better when lower Manhattan and our Pentagon were ablaze…WTF, lady?

Now, let’s pretend Judge Jeanine and the Tea Party ralliers were all willing to hear me talk for five minutes. I would step up to the mic and say, “Damn! Give it up for Big John’s Texas BBQ! How about that brisket, people?!”

Yeah, it’s not worth it. You can’t teach the unteachable.

by The Ghetto Shaman • October 5, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA

Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman