Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking

Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration admitted they are already giving up. President Obama told the press today, “Congress has seized like an ‘87 Yugo engine coming down from benzos and alcohol. Since there is no chance of reaching a deal with these crazy people, I have 18 holes of golf scheduled for the first 90 days of my 2nd term.”

President Obama added, “At the 18th hole there’s this Tavern on the Green, where I will transition to my evening schedule, which involves doing the people’s work.”

Press Secretary Joseph Gibbs later explained the expression is a euphemism for “drinking heavily”.

“There’s nothing I can do without a supermajority,” continued President Obama. “They are going to block my proposals, my Judge nominations, my mojo, so I’m getting drunk! Then, after the first and only action of my 2nd term, I’m getting stoned!”

Obama admits he feels helpless to stop the fiscal cliff nuggie, the double-dip wedgie, but is even more concerned about this “Greenspan swirly thing” he heard about over on The Discord.

“Can I call a mulligan?” said Obama. “Hell, I’m already at McMulligan’s, so we can call it a theme day? Four!”

As for the President’s comments on a double dip, George Costanza was unavailable for comment.

Dear Fox News

The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

I have ask. Why you lie to me. Mikko say “fox lie”, Family say “fox lie’. Crank say “no, tell trooth.” Crank rong. You lie. You lie like bad toup on Engle guy. Babe with legs at glas tabl say, “hope just around corner.” Legs say “Mitt make all bettr” “Mitt make gas flow, Mitt make food cheap, Babe with big zooms say Mitt make more jobs.” I think, OK, this good, more jobs = more peepl buy my cabinets, Crank pay bills from last 4 years.

Crank get hopes up, bigtime, think maybe get lucky when give wife mony J.Wife no have to pay for me to go work. Fox sed we win big!. Crank hear “cant loose”. Crank hear big head like ET bald guy Rove say,” I write on whiteboard, I know shit- we win!” Crank hear angry femm fat guy Morris say “we win big- 5 pointz!” Crank hear shiney teeth like chicklets guy Eric on The Five say Obama finished. Crank think maybe people get smartr, ignore guys with news. Maybe business guy is best to do business things, things O not do, like rite budget. Not borrow shit not have. Mak sense to Crank. Fuk.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Hay Fox….Polls fukkin rite. you all rong. Ask short Austrlyun guy boss why da fuk they all still have job? I ask? Fuk.

Not tru, none of it. No one get smart, no one want things rite. Peepl all want feel good President. Want ‘kool’ guy, not good guy. Want guy to tell bullshit, no one want trooth. Peepl hear lies from news, they buy the whole thing. “I give you shit, you vote me!” Free fones. Fuk. Mitt no give nuthin, jus trooth, no one make calls on trooth. Stupid Mitt. He rich Fuk, he maybe win if giv Ipads? Maybe he win if giv free rubbers, seems all tey want id free fuking, pay for their fuk pillz. Pay fer dis, pay fer dat. With wut? Granchilds maoney. Fuk.

You play with my head Fox, and I pissd. We no win. We lose like drubnk Indian at casino. We lose like one leggd man in marathon. We lose likggggggggggggg… oOpps just took nap. Cat purring like motorboat in head. Put me to sleep.

I dribnk 3 days. 3 fukn days! Blud shugr in stratosfeer. Cat lik twinkie wrappers. Fuk. Like bad dreem. No help, only kiddng. Ha ha ha, stooppid Crank. Dey say Im fat old wite man. Dey say less fat old wite man repullicns. Bettr be young, bettr be beige-brown-blak-libruls. One problem, fat ol wite men rote constushun. Fat old wite men start country. Dems bettr for Minoritys? Repub free slaves, Repub Romneys Dad walkd with MLK… Dems? Dems rite Jim Crow laws. Never unnerstud that.

Oh well, I gess the fact we see shit coming not count. So, U newbees U run things now, we go golf- we go fish-you pay? When shit hit fan, YOU eat. Figgr it out 4 self..stupid fukz…

No mor Rum, no mor coke. Cat like rum. I Go to bed. Fuk-we looz Wife say get life, move on. I say Cant mov-drunk. Not funy she say. Fuk.

Cat jus pee on keybord

Fuk.

Crzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

We have attempted an intervention, but the situation is complicated because the Crank is so heavily armed. We will keep you posted. Oh, and our editors gave up after the first sentence, but it’s funny, which is about as close to journalistic integrity as we get on this rag. We have forwarded this to the sociology department at Penn State for analysis.

But hey, at least he capitalized Austrlyun. It’s the little things.

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement “several hundred times”.

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, “Have you voted yet?!” and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, “You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!”

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, “I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill.”

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

“I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers,” said Rove. “You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!”

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called “Joker and Two-Face”, which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan

Dear Dan,

We don’t have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague’s statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

Rove V World

Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Before we hail the Obama victory, just how did 57 million people vote for Romney? Is this bubble really popping? I doubt it. Let’s focus on those dubious days leading up to the election, particularly, the whirlwind of drivel bandying about the internet. I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama and NewsBusters on Facebook (one D one R). I am not suggesting these are journalistic sites, but the social site meme is interesting. Even in the trenches, the Right clearly won the “screw reality” award. The Republicans ongoing cognitive dissonance is legendary, and who better to identify discordant ideas than The Daily Discord?

The “information” from NewsBusters and their ilk fall into three general categories:

Tactic 1: Total Bullshit:

Also known as “we already invented an imaginary narrative”, let’s simply repeat it ad infinitum until people believe it. These are falsehoods dressed as subjectivity. For example, this showed up from NewsBusters on 11/4:

“A former aid to VP Biden has written a ‘tell all’ book. Hmm… is Biden an even bigger idiot in private?”

—Jodi Miller

If you ask half the country if they think Joe Biden is a walking idiot, you will receive a resounding yes. Fox News and Drudge repeat this underlying theme over and over again. Is Biden gaffe prone? Yes. Is he a blowhard? Yes. Is he dumb? Hell no. He’s one of our most informed VPs in recent history. Dick Cheney, meanwhile, was an evil genius. Folks outside the bubble can differentiate between smart and dumb, good and evil, regardless of their political affiliation.

Take Jon Kyl for instance, one of AZ’s Republican senators…no really take him. I think he’s leaving anyway. This man is a barely literate bumbling fool. In an effort to help bring along a smaller government, he even started the Politician’s Name Shortening Initiative and then promptly changed his name from John Kyle to Jon Kyl. Yeah, he’s that dumb. I have heard this man speak on many occasions and there’s simply no other conclusion one can draw. But, his Republican partner in crime, John McCain, is clearly an intelligent man. Sure he picked Palin, but only to pursue his dream of joining the Mile High Club on Air Force One…in style (the taking of Palin 123? Wait, that was a train, wasn’t it?).

Meanwhile, the GOP defines everyone on the left as dumb and wrong. They can’t distinguish a Jon Kyl from a John McCain. Oh wait, Senator Kyl talked him into his initiative, so now it’s Jon Mcain. By the same token, the Right can’t seem to tell the difference between a Rosie O’Donnell and a Barack Obama. They are liberal, so they are both dumb. They seem devoid of even basic observational skills. Obama and Biden are not dumb, period. If they are so dumb why did they win every debate? …er, well the ones they showed up for. So it stands to reason your guys are dumber, right? Oh wait, reason is another liberal conspiracy. Of the last twelve presidential debates the GOP won only two of them! And the other one was Cheney wielding a 17% approval rating. This tally is not a coincidence. It’s meant to be an intervention.

Tactic 2: A Barrage of Bullshit that Sounds Important:

It’s like discussing the overall deficit numbers without discussing the policies that created it. The Examiner recently broke down our costly Republican policies here. It’s utter hypocrisy to blame Obama for every dime of the last five trillion. History certainly won’t.

Three days before the election the image below was sent to me on Facebook via NewsBusters—a group busy busting news into tiny shards of sensationalism. Hey, that’s our job! I usually read what NewsBusters sends me, but it almost invariably doesn’t make any sense.

A Tale of Two Economies

So they are comparing the economy at the end of the first Bush Administration to the end of the first Obama Administration? Gazillions chimed in how damning these numbers were to the President. Do I need to explain this? Okay, let’s activate your dormant hippocampuses for a moment. Let’s try to remember something called recent history. This graph skips the whole Bush Depression. Bush started with a surplus in 2000, Obama started with a shit storm that makes Sandy seem like a librarian’s fart. In fact, there is no meaningful comparison. In 2004 Bush was still blowing through the last of the Clinton surplus by invading the wrong country. Remember? Tell you what, four years from now let’s compare the last Bush day V the last Obama day. That will be damning all right (Hint: not for Obama).

The GOP has created all these false narratives and has successfully built an entire ideology on a tower of false assumptions. One key example, they rank Obama’s presidency as “the worst ever.” If you talk to any Foxeteer they will all say, in unison, “Definitely, without question, Obama is the worst ever!” They say this even though historians and scholars still rank him highly. The Right seems to have blocked out the whole W thing (cognitive Busshonance?). At least when I lost eight years I called it college.

“Hey, if you don’t stop talking about Bush, how can we reinstitute his mind-numbingly destructive policies?”

—Mitt Romney

Umm, that’s actually why I keep mentioning him, Mitt. Check out the same list to see where scholars rank W (hint: he looks up to Nixon). I don’t think Bush is even going to be eligible for one of those Futurama head tanks. The Right has a selective memory bordering on a dissociative disorder…well, it does explain why Romney kept channeling Sybil on every issue.

Tactic 3: Take a Kernel of Truth and Make Popcorn:

This is what showed up four days before the election on this Book of Faces:

“Emmy Winning Former CNN Journalist, Amber Lyon Blows the Whistle, says she has proof that CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content!!”

—Mario Murillo Ministries

This is the type of story where I invariably take the bait. I think, “Wow, maybe they have something this time.” Keep in mind so far their score is roughly 0 for 1,364,997, but you never know. It’s like when you lick your finger and stick it into a socket thinking, maybe this time the power won’t be on. Bill Maher has addressed this phenomenon. He will dismantle the argument of some Republican or another, point for point, but then there’s always this one tantalizing piece of evidence they throw out that makes you wonder. Maher later researches this one intriguing hunk of red meat and then reports back that it’s a complete crock of shit. Dig down into the heart of Republicana and there’s nothing there. It’s my quantum-vacuity theory; it’s the invisible elephant in the room (Seinfeldentalism?).

Okay, so the first link to this CNN scandal takes you into the exciting WordPress blog world of one Mario Murillo Ministries. Don’t go there, really. After that first quote, here’s his other deductive gem:

“CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content.”

This was the type of shit flying around the net right before the election. But I see there’s a real reporter there from CNN and the original coverage is by Glenn Greenwald. I like Greenwald and even quote him here sometimes. So, shifting out of the bubble, I read his story over on The Guardian, then the CNN rebuttal, and then Greenwald’s 2nd rebuttal. Excuse me while I lick my finger again and…..OUCH!

Umm, if you read the actual coverage it’s between CNNi (international) and the government of Bahrain. Somewhere between these two entities a decision was made to bury a certain documentary. So this is not our government, as fundamentalist Fred suggests, it’s Bahrain’s government. They seem to have dictated something to CNN International and it worked. It is an interesting read and there is a real question as to why CNN refused to air their own documentary. As for the reason? No one knows. Oh, and Obama is never even mentioned in the article. This is a device often employed by the GOP called Moronic Hyper Extrapolation (MHE). MHE…we don’t make the scandals, we just make up the scandals. I really think there’s something here, but right now it’s a mini-scandal for CNN, not Obama (hint: scandals that involve the President will typically mention him).

Hey, you want to see a real scandal? Search George W. Bush and….no, that’s pretty much it.

The danger is this: if a real Obama scandal emerges it will be fed through the Drudge filter, lovingly turned into fecal matter, and will then be dismissed by any person with a reading comprehension level above a turnip. My main concern remains, they could actually bury a real scandal—and may have already—during this perpetual information manure-glazing procedure (IMGP). Benghazi anyone? I don’t believe anything on Drudge or Fox News anymore and that’s certainly part of the reason.  I’m a Blogstradamus comparatively. Meanwhile, remember that time Dick Morris or Bill Krystol was right about something? I can’t. I cover stories that pertain to this planet, which gives me a clear advantage over the competition. Meanwhile, the GOP is doing a real disservice to reality…and the kicker is, as I’ve said before, they don’t even have to live here anymore!

When I say objectivity is dead on the Right, we’re talking missing-limbed, zombie after the headshot dead. Thankfully, more and more folks are taking notice of this phenomenon, like the electorate. Check out Salon’s take on the Right’s decent into madness. The Left is a mixed bag, for sure, but the GOP hasn’t gotten anything right since…when do they think the world was created? Somehow they remain a proud defiant party, despite their record, despite their candidate, and despite their last primary round—which closely resembled my psych unit…er, just before the court-ordered anti-psychotic injections arrive.

Romney’s tax plan and entire economic “strategy” assumed there would be a 4% growth in GDP. This will not be any industrialized country’s reality anytime soon. I disagree with Fareed Zakaria’s recent rosy assessment of our recovery. See his take here. We are still on the verge of a double-dip, a fiscal cliff, and I am not ruling out at this time the possibility of a Greenspan swirly (those are the worst).

But Romney’s plan also assumes that trickle down/supply side economics works, despite any evidence. Last week, the GOP tore down the findings of this non-partisan congressional research study. Their findings suggest the GOPs economic worldview makes about as much sense as a Kansas ski trip. But, there was such an outcry when this research was presented, the GOP had it removed….yes, removed. They had to, because it flies in the face of their prime mis-directive. What next, Zano posts? Okay, bad example; Mr. Winslow wants to take those down already.

Obama is a progressive when it comes to healthcare and green energies, which simply means he understands our future needs in a way Republicans can’t or won’t. Economically he’s walked the razor’s edge between high deficits and a double dip recession. Meanwhile, the GOP will almost immediately fall right back into any ditch—and, if there isn’t a ditch to be found, they will commission to have one dug (more shovel-ready jobs?).

“I cannot even begin to see how a conversation can begin. We have different experiences of reality. But that’s why, I think, this election is so fascinating. It will, by default, offer us a direct take on the majority’s perception of reality.

—Andrew Sullivan

Before the election the coalition of economists backed Obama, albeit barely. As I’ve said before, I want to know what a poll of a hundred economists think. Similarly, I want to know what a hundred climatologists think about climate change. The Right isn’t interested in a professional’s opinion. They are only interested in someone spewing like an Enron champagne fountain (have a Koch and a smile?). They want to know what a hundred people watching Sean Hannity think, which is an oxymoron by the way.

But what was Romney’s appeal? How did such a disingenuous man almost win the presidency?

“Evidence continues to emerge that Romney is one of the most dishonest, duplicitous candidates to ever seek the presidency.”

—Charles Blow New York Times  

I am not going to rehash all the mistruths… Mr. Winlsow fears it could crash our server, but Spitzer has one theory:

“The president’s first term dealt well with the immediate crisis of economic cataclysm but not with trends of declining middle-class income and security. People are unhappy. And when alternatives appear with promises, no matter how empty and unfounded they may be, people will give them a long look. The anxiety about our future that has allowed Mitt Romney a seat at the table is what will drive our politics for the next decade.

—Elliot Spitzer over on Slate.

Some would say the Right needs something called perspective, I would say…they need a clue. The threats of the Right about obstructionism before Election Day sucked—or, as Dan Savage put it, “We are no longer a democracy. We’re a hostage situation.”

But make no mistake, Romney would have driven us over the fiscal cliff…TO SAY NOTHING OF THE GREENSPAN SWIRLY!!

My hope is that after this election the Foxeteers realize a couple of things:

1. Do I just happen to agree with everything espoused on Fox News, even though the majority of it has been discredited?

2. Wouldn’t a return to facts and pieces of information deemed useful to people on this planet be more helpful toward solving our collective problems?

Either way their condition is, despite all rhyme or reason, deteriorating. I can’t wait for 2016, Hillary Clinton V Tree Stump. Well, tree stump does give a good stump spee…sorry.

How does the GOP still think they’re a competent party? By all accounts, it seems the Foxeteers are intent on remaining in a world of their own creation. Can this election change that? Will they even accept the electoral college results? Someone said on election night the only thing the GOP understands is losing. GOP I hope so.

You know why it’s often a “shock poll” over on the Drudge Report? …because the polls they tout are invariably bullshit. Many in the GOP called for a Romney landslide…the night before the election! Shitmentum, I think they called it. It’s like their filters now have filters. They look at the world through Drudge-colored glasses. After the election Matt Drudge displayed the Liberty Bell to portray a divided country. Umm, I’m afraid history is going to pin this shit on you and your ilk, Sunshine. But I do not believe this will be the Fall of the House of Rove. An Obama reelection is only the first round of chemo.

Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!

Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!

Parallel, DM—Governor Mitt Romney is claiming victory today despite losing the Electoral College. After the Romney camp failed to concede the election, the scientific community made a stunning announcement. Many scientists think the Grand Old Party is now officially a self-contained separate dimension. A solely Republican universe has been forming since around circa 2002, but today this bubble of non-reality has finally broken off entirely from all we know.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Massage, believes, “The GOP universe is now a separate and distinct reality, coexisting parallel to our more conventional universe. The election results are the single event that finally severed these two distinct realms.”

Scientists are concerned this parallel world is based on non-Euclidian mathematics as well as something Dr. Hogbein calls “quantum idiocy”, which could pose a real threat to our own dimension.

President of the Political Physicists Ass., Dr. Karl Fagan, added, “There’s a real danger here. Fictons are the particles that comprise this Republican dimension, and if these fictons come into contact with atoms from this dimension, it could make the Big Bang look like a librarian’s fart.”

Dr. Hogbein agreed, “And not even a very big fart. Indeed, now if someone reaches across the aisle in either the House or the Senate, it could end the world in a single monstrous flash of energy—regardless of the content of the bill in question!”

The Discord staff feels that would be very sad. We think those Mayans deserve a crack at it. After all, they’ve been waiting around so long for this moment. Damn Republicans.

NERDS!!!!!

Tony Ballz

Screw the election, I want to take a moment to talk to you about an important subject, nerds. Nerds are not sexy. Sorry, ladies, if you are an attractive single woman who owns a “Nerds Are Sexy” t-shirt, you should come over to my house. My roommates go to bed early and I have the director’s cut of Buckaroo Banzai always playing in the background. Bring tequila.

The word “nerd” brings to my mind an image of Harvey Pekar’s pal in American Splendor. Ladies, if you want to have sex with that guy, more power to you. You’ll make his day, no question. Nerdiness is not a fashion, it’s a state of mind. It’s an attitude, much like punk rock. Just as putting your hair up in a mohawk doesn’t make you punk, putting glasses on Brad Pitt does not make him a nerd. It’s only Brad Pitt, devastatingly handsome and famous sexy guy, wearing glasses.

And fellas, I don’t know how to break this to you but… Zooey Deschanel is not a nerd. Neither is Olivia Munn. They’re nerd fantasies, sure, but definitely not nerds. They constitute what is commonly referred to as “babes”. They don’t play World Of Warcraft for sixteen hours straight; they have something called sex for sixteen hours straight. They have no time to reread Star Wars novelizations or practice the accordion. They hire assistants to do that stuff for them.

At some point in the past decade a certain coterie of young hipsters decided they wanted to be nerds. God knows why. So they started referring to themselves as such, and pretty soon everyone with a hobby was now “nerding out” on it and Hollywood gave Star Trek a gazillion dollar facelift and everywhere was nerds, nerds, nerds, and eventually you couldn’t throw a Harlan Ellison anthology in the air without it landing on some trendy jerkoff in $1500 black framed glasses cranking Weezer in his convertible and blowing through stop signs because he’s busy texting his girlfriend (who’s in the passenger seat) and “nerding out” on his iPhone!

Then somewhere in here Paris Hilton, or whoever ultimately decides these things, went “OMG, nerds are like SO HOT!” on her Twitter account and all this narcissism came to a head with the “Nerds Are Sexy” t-shirt, best worn by super cute stuck-up twenty something girls who say puh-LEEZE and begin every sentence with that little (tsk) sound and an exhale.

“I’m heading home to nerd out on my O.C. box set!”

“Well, I have to go to the library to study for my test, I’M SUCH A NERD!”

No you’re not, honey. You’re an attractive popular young college girl with a social life and more cash on hand than most nerds cough up at a dozen comic-cons. You’re on the other side of the schoolyard from the nerds. Nerds are society’s outcasts. As adults, they stay at home 95% of the time. They are usually unattractive to look at: either grossly corpulent with all the hygiene problems that follow, or painfully emaciated with Adam’s apples resembling Fukushima-style Granny Smiths. They may have somehow managed to achieve coitus with another humanoid, but possess nothing resembling a sex life. They have zero dress sense and are generally completely devoid of social skills. They don’t “party” on the weekends, or ever. They certainly don’t play drums or any other instrument in an indie band. Many still live with their parents. They masturbate A LOT. Women usually refer to them as “that creepy guy”. And they would never ever have the cojones to call themselves “sexy”, unless there were buckets of sarcasm on the side.

If none of the above sounds like you, guess what?

The irony of “Nerds Are Sexy” is this: the lack of attention from the opposite (or any) sex is one of the major contributors to a life of geekiness. A fairly steady supply of you-know-what helps keep the psyche balanced, boosts the ol’ self confidence, and it feels real good too. It’s also an excellent reason to leave the house, unless you ladies are going to start delivering, like Meals-On-Wheels for horndogs. To most nerds, the constant humiliation and rejection associated with approaching a potential mate isn’t worth the trouble, so when Buckaroo Banzai is over they would rather just walk up to the TV and hit replay. And when they do go out, all the prettiest girls—the ones who would rather choke on their frappuccinos than be seen talking to a loser like you—are wearing “Nerds Are Sexy” t-shirts.

Mmm, irony.

So the next time you females out there spot an obvious pocket-protector high-waters zitface dorkeroo in a public place, don’t be shy. Walk up to him and stick your tongue in his mouth. Let things progress naturally from there. You bought the shirt, now take the next logical step.

Folks, it’s time to give nerds back their nerddom. It’s all most of them have, and you hipsters can find another subculture to co-opt and slap on a t-shirt, there’s hundreds to choose from. How about Migrant Workers Are Sexy? Albinos Are Sexy? Aging Metalheads Are Sexy? Bestiality Enthusiasts Are Sexy? Parrotheads Are Sexy? Hetero Men Who Speak With A Lisp Are Sexy? Clowns Who Smoke Meth Are Sexy? White Sox Fans Are Sexy? Middle-aged Twilight Freaks Are Sexy? Sexy Grandpas Are Sexy? Come on people, be creative.

OK boys and girls … to see if you really are a nerd, here’s a quick quiz (answers have to be off the top of your head, no Googling or any of that lifeline crap):

  1. What is Captain Kirk’s middle name?
  2. What is the square root of 169?
  3. In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which troupe member plays Patsy, the guy with the coconuts?
  4. Who was the inventor of Dungeons & Dragons?
  5. Tell me, how many lights do you see?
  6. What the HELL is Buckaroo Banzai?

And these are EEEEEASY ones, kiddies. Baby steps. OK, here’s the answers:

  1. Tiberius
  2. 13
  3. Terry Gilliam
  4. Gary Gygax (R.I.P.)
  5. THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS!
  6. A flop 1984 sci-fi film about a particle physicist/brain surgeon/rock star/comic book hero/time traveller/genius/Zen master/stud/coolest dude in the universe/renaissance man and his motley crew of fellow scientists/band members/misfits/best friends battling to save the earth from the evil red lectroids from the 8th dimension starring Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Ellen Barkin, John Lithgow (in the performance of a lifetime), Christopher Lloyd, the guy who played Carla’s shifty ex-husband Nick on Cheers, and the guy who played the teacher in Fast Times At Ridgemont High (not Mr. Hand, the other one with the curly hair and the hot wife who was the chick that Phil Spector killed).

The whole concept and design for the flux capacitor in Back To The Future was outright STOLEN from BB’s oscillation overthruster (they call it an homage), and if there was ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD, this charming and witty low budget film would be just as popular and beloved and obsessed over as Star Wars and they would have made the further adventures of Buckaroo and his buds into sequels like the end credits promised … but NOOOOOOO, instead we got pathetic whining sissy-boy Anakin and stupid Jar-Jar Binks and the God-damned Ewoks, God DAMN I hate those little furry mother fuckers, they suck SO BAD, those piss puddles nearly RUINED Return Of The Jedi, what the FUCK was Lucas thinking?

I mean OK, the guy has this opportunity to tell the back story of his hands-down best character, an orphaned boy who grows up to be the most vicious sadistic feared son of a bitch in the galaxy since Cheney, a hideously deformed half-human half-machine clanking around in black armor strangling guys without touching them and blowing up ENTIRE PLANETS of innocent people … adult men are quivering like little girls and shitting their pants in his presence…and the kid’s nickname is ANNIE??!! FUCKING ANNIE??!! REALLY, GEORGE? Not Damien or Beef or Thor, something like that? Annie, huh. You don’t think that tends to undercut Vader’s whole satanic living-embodiment-of-pure-evil vibe and makes his character, I don’t know, KIND OF A PUSSY?

No wonder he changed his name. “Darth Vader” sounds like someone who’s about to rip your head off and shit down your neck, but “Annie Skywalker” sounds like an intergalactic hooker who will blow you for pocket change. “Uh-oh, Chewbacca’s been with Annie Skywalker again, hope the whole crew isn’t infected. Get the penicillin.” Annie? Give me a break. We should have known everything was doomed when those goddamned Ewoks showed up. Assholes.

Well, you can bet your balls there’s no cuddly little squeaky cocksuckers annoying you underfoot in The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (full title), just a bunch of badass shit going down and some of it makes absolutely no sense and there’s a few dead spots and it could have used a better soundtrack and the special effects aren’t that great either and everyone’s wearing white shoes and, although Ellen Barkin is a very attractive woman, she can’t act her way out of a paper bag … but none of that matters because the coolness factor here is off the charts and MAN, it still had the potential to become one of the greatest franchises EVER. I think “Laugh while you can, monkey boy!” and “The deuce, you say!” could have been awesome ’80s catchphrases and Weller is perfect in the title role. I couldn’t imagine anyone else doing better, and Goldblum is transcendently goofy as always and there’s great gadgets and dozens of in-jokes and you bet I’ve got a t-shirt.

And hell yeah, Buckaroo could kick Han Solo’s ass AND nail Princess Leia without scuffing up his white loafers or getting a wrinkle in his pimp Versace suit and, oh sweet Jesus, EVERY WORD out of Lithgow’s mouth is freakin’ GOLD, PURE 24 CARAT GOLD, that man is an ARTIST, A MASTER OF HIS CRAFT and …

Where was I? Oh yeah, nerds.

For that last one, the following answer is also acceptable:

  1. The greatest movie ever made.

There, how’s that for nerding out? Am I getting you hot, baby?

GOP Ramps Up Their “War on Halloween”

GOP Ramps Up Their "War on Halloween"

Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the “garden” state couldn’t have easily participated in the festivities.

Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. “Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5th,” said Christie.

“November?!” questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. “That’s sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description.”

The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, “Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca

Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she’s not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you’re full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Paul Dunk, On Assignment, Massachusetts

Paul Dunk

CDC, Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta are set to announce on Friday a link between televised political ads and the recent nationwide outbreak of lung infection. A spokesperson at the CDC, Eileen DuBonnet, said to expect more details at Friday’s press conference, but that the findings are “based on surveys taken by over 18,000 citizens who have fallen ill at some point during the past two months.” These victims, according to DuBonnet, are experiencing symptoms ranging from a “dry, hacking cough,” to, “thoughts of suicide.”

Asked what specifically about the ads are causing the illness, DuBonnet said, “It’s the lying. In a typical hour long episode of prime time television, such as ‘Glee,’ a viewer can be subjected to at least eighteen 30-second spots for various candidates running for office. Oftentimes opponents run ads back-to-back, so a viewer will get accusations from each camp in a contested election within a minute’s time. Our immune systems just can’t handle the onslaught. The effect is traumatizing, and prolonged trauma has long been known to cause physical and even mental illness.”

Wyatt Edwards, 51, a dry-goods store owner from Atlanta, has been suffering since late September and says the illness has nearly ruined both his business and personal life. “It’s unbelievable,” he says, “I can’t stop hacking! I sure as hell can’t wait on customers at the store. At night it’s even worse. Half the time I’m coughing so much that the wife gets mad and I have to go sleep on the couch. It’s cold in the living room . . . and I’m stuck there all night . . . so the damn thing just gets worse! Antibiotics don’t help! Nothing helps! I just want to go blow my brains out.”

His wife, Jan, 46, concurs: “He isn’t kidding, except for that business about killing himself.  Another week listening to the hacking – – and I’ll do it for him.”

The cure for this malady, according to DuBonnet, is simply refraining from watching live television and editing the ads out before viewing your favorite recorded shows. She went on to say that the CDC has done extensive studies backing up their claims, and will document them at Friday’s meeting with the press. When told about a related story coming out of Flagstaff, Arizona, where researchers at the H.A.B.A. have determined that prolonged exposure to ‘Glee’ can cause blindness or self-immolation among certain American male demographics, DuBonnet declined comment and hurried back to the lab.

Ask your doctor if the mute button is right for you.

Paul Dunk, on assignment, Atlanta

Kansas Woman Forced to Birth Alien Baby

Kansas Woman Forced to Birth Alien Baby

Palinbate, KS—The small rural community of Palinbate announced their decision today. They unanimously forbid 26-year-old, Mindy Fords, from having an abortion after she was allegedly abducted from her home last week by aliens. Witnesses describe how a bright beam of light carried the young lady out of her bedroom and onto an awaiting disc-shaped saucer. There, she claims to have been repeatedly raped by small grey aliens.

Pastor Paul Samuels minced no words. “It was God’s will you were taken aboard that craft and violated in such a manner. Granted, it’s a little unusual the fetus used cephalopod-type suckers to adhere to your large intestine, but you cannot argue that this too is God’s will, you damn liberal hippy bitch!”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro, said, “Once hatched, the creature will instinctively bore through her chest cavity in a relentless search for food. Luckily, the organs en route will provide some sustenance for the voracious little tyke.”

Pastor Samuels is aware of the risks, but is more than willing to “take that chance.”

“If this was a legitimate abduction rape scenario, like in the X-files or something, the woman’s body has ways of inhibiting and shutting down that whole spawning process,” said Samuels. “Besides, when it’s born we’ll ostracize the shit out of it, unfund it, and probably let it die in an alley somewhere. But until that mass of teeth and tentacles tears its way into this world, I won’t abide by anything that could endanger the welfare of that squid child!”

Interview by a Vampire

Alex Bone

Arkham, MA—Good evening, gentle readers. My name is Baron Von Hallens. But let me warn you, if I hear one more David Lee Roth joke, I will lay waste to the entire state of New Jersey! Unless Sandy beats me to it. I have been an immortal for six centuries and I have not seen worse politicians since Ambrosio Spinola back in the 1500s. That guy made W look like Stephen Hawking on ginkgo biloba.

Considering the current state of intelligence during this time period, you are probably unaware that periodically vampires slip into a torpor. In this partial-hibernative state, beyond even the reach of Zoloft, we can sleep for decades. Take that, makers of Ambien! It’s sort of a vampire’s version of a Saturday morning sleep in. I have recently awakened from such a slumber and have found the world has become a horrible place in my absence, except for Survivor. I love that show.

As you can imagine, when I awoke, I felt depleted and starved, so I went on a killing rampage. I had just cornered my hundredth or so victim, a rather rotund man wearing some peasant cloth over his girth which read, May The Fourth Be With You. I was intrigued, for this is the same date as my rebirth, so I allowed him to beg before feeding.

He told me he worked in something called an IT department, which I assumed had something to do with monsters. He begged for his life and in return promised to help me control a place known as the World Wide Web. Interesting. I assumed the IT they were raising must be a nest of giant Shelob-type spiders.

Naturally, I was intrigued. He said he must first build me an identity. I told him I already had one and then he laughed and laughed…well, until I tore off his finger. His whimpering and quaking form got back to work and he assured me that soon I would be able to control this web. First, he made a cartoon version of my face and sent it into this mysterious web.

He set up site after site, but I was barely paying attention, because Survivor was on. He showed me his glowing signals that looked like a window into the abyss or one of those damn paintings my old friend Van Gogh used to paint…before I bit off his ear. Soon I knew this web would be mine and thousands of new victims would be caught in my Internet of doom!

But there were problems. He spoke of such things as an army of Followers that would soon be mine, but when I looked with the help of this little tweeting blue bird, I saw only nine victims had followed me to their demise. And on the ‘Book of Faces’ things proved even worse!

I demanded to know what the problem was, but my new ghoul only hid behind the sofa and tried to offer me something called True Blood, which tasted like sugar soaked in urine.

He explained how hundreds of people pretended to be creatures of the night and, to the masses, I was just another of these poseurs. Spam he called it. This was not going well, especially when they started calling me Nosferyahoo and Spam the Impaler. The insolence!

After teaching him to eat flies, rodents, and those disgusting creatures you call house cats, I made my henchman get back to his task. My ghoul worked until his fingers bled over those foul square letters, but when I awoke the next evening, I saw my followers had only risen to twenty-two! Damn that blue tweeting bird! I demanded that he change the image to a bat, but he said this was beyond his puny powers.

I shaved him bald with a shard of glass, made him eat his own fingernails, and forced him to watch American Idol, but nothing seemed to work. He told me he would try Reddit, but they almost immediately banned us for Spamming. I haven’t eaten solid food for centuries and now this!

We tried other sites, like something called StumbleUpon, which sounded better suited to promote zombie prey, but my ghoul said we should throw everything at the wall to see what sticks. On the third try, my ghoul friend stuck to the wall…or, more accurately, parts of him did.

Then I took up the torch and discovered The Daily Discord. Ahhhhh, Discord! The floodlight of intelligence within a sea of flatulence jokes and pictures of your damned cats doing wacky hijinks. With the Discord behind me and the creatures of IT…the Web will soon be mine! What is that you say? We have only gotten a hundred page views so far. Well, it is a start Mr. Gates, it is a start.

Happy Halloween!

Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t Bolsters Brainless Base

Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t  Bolsters Brainless Base

Boston, MA—The Romney campaign believes its recent senseless, tangential, and often circular arguments have reinvigorated his supporters. Romney had compared Obama’s foreign policy to Jimmy Carter’s, but then endorsed each of the President’s policies during the last debate, with one notable exception.

“If I ever host another Olympics, Russia’s not invited,” said Romney. “And China is going to be charged a higher entry fee than any other country. They’ll have to bow to me before we even let them go hurling!”

His campaign manager later explained that he meant curling.

As for his seeming foreign policy reversals, Romney said, “You remember my work at Bain Capital, right? I simply tailored those tactics to a debate format. I initiated a hostile takeover of Obama’s policies. I purchased them wholesale, loaded them with manure, and then bankrupted his positions in front of millions of independent voters.”

A member of the Obama Administration is flummoxed by Romney’s erratic behavior. “It’s not optimal hearing the word flummoxed used by anyone in my campaign,” said Obama, “especially so close to the election.”

In response, Romney said, “If he doesn’t understand me, then he doesn’t understand America. This is not about obfuscation, because, frankly, most of the people who support me aren’t going to know what that word means. This is about a clear and decisive attempt to muddy the waters before the election.”

Muddy Waters was unavailable for comment.